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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: pam1 on April 04, 2011, 02:59:31 PM

Title: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: pam1 on April 04, 2011, 02:59:31 PM
Anyone dealt with your parents or parent in laws playing favorites with their children?  Or grandchildren?  Any advice would be appreciated.  The type of stuff we are dealing with is the favorites control holidays and family plans.  They make plans together without our input, we are told information last etc.  A lot of forms of control. 

What, if any, things have you used to sort of even the playing field?  My suggestions to DH are if they don't tell you until last minute, don't feel obliged to go or do whatever it is they want.  But it's pretty hurtful to him.  He's tried talking to them but they can't see it? 

Also, DD has a bday coming up.  My parents are coming into town and haven't been able to celebrate DD's bday in person in over 3 years.  So I planned something really special this year, a bday party and an outing that a lot of people will want to go on.  Turns out the in laws (again!) made plans with the favorites for that day to celebrate a holiday early -- and were expecting us to come.  So it kind of ties into the favorites thing, again they did this without our input, which is fine -- but why expect us to show up with bells on if you're just going to only consult two peoples schedules?  And two, they want me to move the date of DD's party so they can come but that's pretty much the only day it *can* be done while my parents are here? 

What should I do?  Plan another party at the same exact location on another date after my parents leave?  I really don't want to, it's a lot of money and I already feel like one party is enough.  Any advice? 
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: elsieshaye on April 04, 2011, 03:02:57 PM
It's only control if you let it be.  Otherwise, it's just poor planning on their part - too bad they get to miss out on your DD's party.  Better luck (for them) next year.  Enjoy having your parents there, and realize that if the inlaws really, really wanted you to attend, they'd consult you about the date.  That's hurtful for your husband, but not any less true for that.  You can't protect him from that.
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: misunderstood on April 04, 2011, 03:16:05 PM
I would go ahead with DD party, in laws and favourites can either change their plans to join you in her celebration or not.  Their loss, I made the mistake of changing my DD plans as her birthday weekend was the same as my MIL unfortunately she now thinks that she is more important than DD and is having to learn the hard way, by being disappointed when we no longer change our plans. 

It is really hard for my DH too, to feel like they constantly put him in the middle, however apart from initial bumps he now places our needs first and offers alternative suggestions to them.  He wants to spend time with them but my DD, 11 comes first.  Its very unreasonable of them to expect you to move it.

It sounds as if they expect everything to go their way.  If your parents can only make that date and haven't been around for 3 years definitely don't move it.

If il's miss party that is their choice, they could see your DD on another day, perhaps over a meal with a second birthday cake that MIL could provide if they cannot possibly make her party.

It must be very hard for DH to feel bottom of the heap all the time, perhaps if you don't alter your plans all the time they'll realise that your time is important too.  Hang on in there.
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: L on April 04, 2011, 04:16:03 PM
I completely agree with the others, go ahead and have DD's b'day as already planned.  Some people only learn the hard way.  Hopefully of course for your DD's sake they can come but hey, it's her special day and not a day to be planned around "other" peoples plans who are to insensitive to you when they plan family things so, hey what comes around goes around. 
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: holliberri on April 04, 2011, 04:36:47 PM
Again, preaching to the choir.

Keep that party exactly as you have it, they can either change their plans if it suits them, or miss the party. You already made your plans.
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: luise.volta on April 04, 2011, 05:28:50 PM
Yup!
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: Kennedy on April 04, 2011, 07:54:45 PM
I agree with everyone else. Don't change a thing about your DD birthday. They should of ask y'all if those times were good with you first.
My In-Laws are the worlds worst!! They can make my BP climb to the roof!  They have *1* person who they think the rest of the family should bow too!
And I just fell in line like all the rest for the 1st 5 years we were married. Then I just said, "NO MORE!" and I haven't done it any more.
So you smile and have a blast at your little girls B-Day party and take tons of photos with your Parents! God Bless!
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: lancaster lady on April 05, 2011, 12:46:47 AM
Hey Pam :
It's your DD , it's up to them to contact you to see what you have planned .
this weekend my ODS is coming to town , haven't seen him in six months . so we are having a family get together ,
but I wouldn't expect all my family to change their plans for me .
They are all invited , but if they have other plans that's fine .
Maybe next time your DH FOO  will check your plans before arranging things .
Happy birthday to your DD , it's her day . As your parents missed out previous years it's their turn now .
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: Scoop on April 05, 2011, 05:46:45 AM
Do not change your DD's party and don't schedule another one.  If they put up a fuss, ask them to change their plans.  (See how THAT goes over!  Ha!)  Every time they ask you to change yours, ask them to change theirs, until they see the parallel, or give up.

In the future, every time they ask you at the last minute, if you have plans (please have plans!), tell them that you wish they had given you more notice, you would have LOVED to go, but, sadly, you already have plans and it would be the HEIGHT OF RUDENESS to change plans at the last minute.

You're letting them dictate that THEY are the victims because you never come to their planned events, when, in reality, YOU are the victim, because you would LOVE to go to their events, but they never give you enough notice and it makes you and DH really sad. 

Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: Pooh on April 05, 2011, 06:07:22 AM
I am with the others.  Do not change your plans or the party.  If this was the first time, I would feel differently, but they have set a pattern of doing this.  I would tell them politely that you can not change it and you are very sorry they are going to miss it.  If they get mad, well then they get mad.  But that's on them.

If MIL wants to do something for DD at another time, sure...but on her dime.
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: LaurieS on April 05, 2011, 08:27:30 AM
Quote from: Pooh on April 05, 2011, 06:07:22 AM
I am with the others.  Do not change your plans or the party.  If this was the first time, I would feel differently, but they have set a pattern of doing this.  I would tell them politely that you can not change it and you are very sorry they are going to miss it.  If they get mad, well then they get mad.  But that's on them.

If MIL wants to do something for DD at another time, sure...but on her dime.
Ditto.. but I'd leave out the 'politely' part .. but there is no way I'd suggest that mil do a repeat even at her own expense, only God knows what your mil would do with that open end suggestion.. Pooh forgot who we were talking about :)  her mind is already on the weekend.
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: Pooh on April 05, 2011, 08:30:16 AM
Nope, didn't forget....said IF MIL wanted to...

No...not really looking forward to this weekend, going to be doing DH's 25th year reunion.  Trying to be optimistic...
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: LaurieS on April 05, 2011, 08:34:18 AM
I'm afraid with Pam's mil that she would run with that and make Barnum and Bailey look mild. I feel that it would also open the door to MIL feeling as if she could always trump Pam's plans and that she would just do as she wanted later.. that would be a double whammy on Pam feeling like her time and plans were being dictated to her by her mil
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: Pooh on April 05, 2011, 08:42:25 AM
You are probably right with Pam's MIL, but it just wouldn't bother me.  If I planned a birthday party for my child, and my MIL couldn't make it and asked if she could put together something for later, I would say sure.  If her party ended up being bigger and better than mine, ok.  I would just go with the flow, and I have had that happen to me with my Ex-MIL.  The kids enjoyed both parties and I didn't worry if she tried to outdo me.  I knew she would, because that's the type of person she was.

By this time, I had set my boundaries with MIL, so that made it easier to just let alot of it go and chalk it up to that's how she was.  I didn't cave to her demands on my time any longer, but did let her do things her way when I could.
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: LaurieS on April 05, 2011, 08:49:09 AM
Call me old fashion.. but I think a child's birthday party is an event for the child and his/her parents to plan and hold. If it was important to a family member and they were unable to attend I would by all means welcome a lunch/dinner out.. something that would include the previously missing person so they could express to the child how much they enjoy having them in their lives.. but a full scale party.. nope wouldn't be happening here
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: Pooh on April 05, 2011, 08:53:58 AM
I don't think that's old fashioned.  I think that's just a personal choice and certainly a parent's right to decide.  Things like that never bothered me.  Now when my Ex-MIL wanted to put a chicken wire fence up in my front yard.....yep....that was an issue.  ;D
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: LaurieS on April 05, 2011, 08:56:37 AM
my fil just asked me to put plywood over our pool as a safety measure
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: Pen on April 05, 2011, 09:01:53 AM
Were DH's parents invited to your party before they made their plans for the holiday party? Did they know ahead of time?
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: misunderstood on April 05, 2011, 11:09:58 AM
I agree with Laurie a lunch or dinner out with family members yes, a full scale party no. As parents its nice to plan and organise DC parties how they would like them, its on of our expressions of love for them.  If GP or anyone else was constantly trying to one-up us it sets a precedent that that person can do bigger and better and nothing that you do will end up good enough in later years.
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: LaurieS on April 05, 2011, 11:18:20 AM
yep sometimes when you allow it once.. it automatically becomes a tradition
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: Pooh on April 05, 2011, 11:22:08 AM
I take my parents to eat at Outback.  My brother takes them to 5 star, personal chef, type expensive places.  Do I worry that  my DM/DF think that I love them less because he spends more and takes them to fancier places?  No. 
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: LaurieS on April 05, 2011, 11:27:34 AM
I was making reference to a child, not my parents.  I encourage my parents to eat all that rich wonderful food on my brothers dime.. because  when here, it's Mexican fo sur
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: Pooh on April 05, 2011, 11:32:44 AM
I know...but to me it's the same thing.  I never worried about MIL one-upping me, because I knew she was going to.  That was just her.  She also spent more at Christmas on my children, than I did.  She would buy them name brand clothes when they were teenagers, while I bought things that were on sale. 

The point I was making, in my own experiences was that I had boundaries with a difficult MIL, but I did let up on some things to be able to get along.
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: LaurieS on April 05, 2011, 11:40:25 AM
Like in any relationship/friendship I think there is a lot of give and take... it does seem at times that we have a lot less tolerance for family then we do for total strangers
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: Pooh on April 05, 2011, 11:46:20 AM
We do.  I am guilty of it too.  I was just thinking, after something on another thread, that I tolerate my crazy Aunt that drives us all bonkers, because I know she is that way and I guess I grew up just knowing she was weird and pretty much ignoring her antics.  But yet, I wouldn't tolerate as well the exact same personality in my DH's family.  I would tolerate it, but probably not as well.
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: luise.volta on April 05, 2011, 03:29:12 PM
Good point!
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: LaurieS on April 05, 2011, 03:35:20 PM
good example of that is my dil  when it was said:

No, I do not want to schedule a visit yet to see the new baby, there are so many variables, and you may not feel up to having company 3 days or when ever after your due date (assuming the baby is punctual)

From friend she would hear... wow how sweet, she is going to give me some breathing room and to make sure that everyone is ok and ready for visitors, she is respecting us as new parents how wonderful

From me she heard:  No I don't care about your baby, or the fact that my son will be a father, I'll get there when I get there.

And this is how problems start :)
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: pam1 on April 05, 2011, 04:38:45 PM
Laurie, that is exactly what I'm worried about.  It's not just one-upping me that bothers me (although it does and it's pretty much every holiday that it's done) but it's my parents that I'm worried about.  I'm not sure that they would care, but I'm afraid of the message it sends DD.  We already combat quite a bit with the in laws and the one-upping concerning DD and others that she notices, I guess I'm just not willing to go there over a birthday party.

And yes, if given free reign it will be insane. 

Pen, DH actually called MIL to invite them....3 months early lol.  And that is when he was told that this holiday was already planned to take place on this day.  If he hadn't called, we would probably wouldn't ever have been told of the holiday party until a few days/week before that it had been moved to a different date than the actual holiday.  In fact, this is really unusual that the date was even moved but what the favorites want and all.

Just feels like we are between a rock and hard place.  I want to keep relations smooth and don't really want to go back to a cut off or time out.  Just want a harmonious relationship.  If they don't get to come (which is what it'll be, it won't be something simple as conflicting plans) and I don't reschedule another party for them at the same place/outing and they don't get to have a something better...ugh..this is when the fireworks start.

Ugh.  But thank you all, I needed some validation to see that I'm not so out there with this.  We are just going to have to hold strong.  I did already think a lunch with them would be a good compromise but I can tell you from personal experience it won't be enough. 
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: luise.volta on April 05, 2011, 04:48:36 PM
"You're booked? Well, darn! We were hoping you could make the birthday party. We're going to miss you!"
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: Pooh on April 06, 2011, 06:53:05 AM
Hee hee, I like that response Luise...but I would follow it with Officer Click.  That's what we call it when we hang up quickly.

I see what all of you are saying about not giving them a license to do it every year.  I didn't have to deal with that, as it was just a couple of times and they came to ours the other times.  But your also talking to the girl that had two birthday parties, every year, for each son.  One that my DM/SD and MIL/FIL were invited to, and another one that my BD/SM (biological Dad..lol) were invited to.  Yep, would have one party at 1:00 on Saturday, and a second at 5:00.  I wasn't asked to do it, I did it out of respect for my Mother because I knew she didn't want to be in the same room with my BD.  The boys used to tell everyone that they were very special because they got two birthday cakes and parties every year.
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: lancaster lady on April 06, 2011, 07:07:33 AM
Laurie ;

Have you scheduled a visit since that last response ?
This is how it works always against us MIL , had you said ...Oh I will be there on the same day you have the baby , can't wait !
The response would have been .. Oh can you give us a couple of days etc .....
I think it's a power thing , whatever we suggest will be the wrong thing . They have to assume the superiority status
from day one .......and we wait for the crumbs !!
Hope things work out for you , at least you know all the pitfalls from this forum .. :)
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: LaurieS on April 06, 2011, 07:34:48 AM
No I did not... I told her that the only thing that I set in stone in my life right now is I will be at Old Faithful Lodge on Aug 25th.. that's it.. the rest of it I'm rolling with.   We are tentatively scheduled to come through their area the beginning of Sept.. I said depending on what is going on, we could just stop for a quick hello and dinner, we could stay over night.. if my son has a project going on we could stay for a couple of days to help out... Between friends here.. I really don't care if I visit more then dinner or not.   I heard her take a deep  breath and she said .. but if you are coming through here on the tail end of your vacation.. and I'm due the 13th, just when will you see the baby.  Once again I calmly explained that when the baby decides to get here and we see how he/she is doing, and how the mom and dad are doing will dictate when we will plan a visit.  Once again, her mom plans on being there for an 'extended' stay.. her dad/sister, grandparents/ great grandmother, cousin and her two kids are all planning on seeing the baby almost immediately.... I will not be there with the herd... this grandchild is not going to disappear after it's first week of life.. I don't need to 'see' it being delivered to love the child... I'm just a little more laid back then that... I thought that would have been appreciated .. lol.. wrong
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: elsieshaye on April 06, 2011, 07:37:55 AM
Pooh - my son had two or three parties for every occasion for a long time since the divorce.  One with his father and me (this was usually the kid party for his friends as well), one with my parents (since they couldn't stand my ex and I didn't want them in the same room), and one with the ex's family (who could never get to town for the b-day itself, so it might be up to a couple months later).  Ditto for Thanksgiving and Christmas and Easter and...  He loved it, and now is a little bummed that he only has a birthday-day, not a birthday-week-or-more.
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: overwhelmed123 on April 06, 2011, 07:38:41 AM
Just hearing all those people who plan on being there when the baby is delivered makes me want to have an anxiety attack.  I could not handle that.
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: Pooh on April 06, 2011, 08:03:43 AM
Quote from: elsieshaye on April 06, 2011, 07:37:55 AM
Pooh - my son had two or three parties for every occasion for a long time since the divorce.  One with his father and me (this was usually the kid party for his friends as well), one with my parents (since they couldn't stand my ex and I didn't want them in the same room), and one with the ex's family (who could never get to town for the b-day itself, so it might be up to a couple months later).  Ditto for Thanksgiving and Christmas and Easter and...  He loved it, and now is a little bummed that he only has a birthday-day, not a birthday-week-or-more.

Had all those too elsie.  My kids were the same, thought it was great.  It was exhausting but worth it to have happy get-togethers.
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: Pooh on April 06, 2011, 08:04:49 AM
And it just hit me...I guess that's why when MIL wanted to have things for the boys too, I didn't sweat it.  I was so used to having multiple things anyway...it wasn't much different for me.
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: LaurieS on April 06, 2011, 08:47:03 AM
Quote from: overwhelmed123 on April 06, 2011, 07:38:41 AM
Just hearing all those people who plan on being there when the baby is delivered makes me want to have an anxiety attack.  I could not handle that.

I sure wouldn't, couldn't and didn't.. everything in her life is like that, is this like the princess mentality? I really do not know, but I think it's odd that everyone is suppose to stand around, while she is on display.  But that is where I had set one of my boundaries... We do not do her family any more lol.. We  do not like how we are made to feel, we do not like being judged .. .since they can not judge us financially as in Pen's case.. my dil's parents look at us like we have no emotional attachment to our kids.  It was easier for us to say.. ahhh nope, not working, not doing it.. so sorry.. so sad.  I just get the feeling and I could be very wrong, but my dil seems more upset with us since she had the timing/control removed.. it's not that we won't see the baby, but it's that we won't see him/her when dil says we should.

But really, as a dil... this is what I would have wanted to hear.. no pressure... we'll play it by ear... if  you need me I can be in the car and there in less then 12 hours.. if not enjoy your FOO, I'll not interfere. 
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: Pooh on April 06, 2011, 10:19:50 AM
That's cause you are removing all her playing pieces from the game board.......UNO!
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: Kennedy on April 06, 2011, 10:21:53 AM
Laurie,
Is this your first Grandchild?

Also what did you mean about her family looking as if you have no emotional attachment to your kids? is it because y'all refuse to be ordered around by your children?

It's true whats being said , Many DIL's (not all) are going to be upset no matter if you wait or if your in the waiting room? Its a guessing game so many times. And I hate games!!


Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: Kennedy on April 06, 2011, 10:24:35 AM
I also meant to say that many (not all) MIL's like to play those games too.
Like I said before, I hate games and that may be what keeps me in trouble?
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: overwhelmed123 on April 06, 2011, 10:30:56 AM
I read you loud and clear, Kennedy- I hate games, too.  I know that is what gets me into trouble a lot in life.  But I know I appreciate honesty all the time- even if it I don't agree with it.  There are some women out there that I just do not get.
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: Kennedy on April 06, 2011, 10:48:19 AM
Quote from: overwhelmed123 on April 06, 2011, 10:30:56 AM
I read you loud and clear, Kennedy- I hate games, too.  I know that is what gets me into trouble a lot in life.  But I know I appreciate honesty all the time- even if it I don't agree with it.  There are some women out there that I just do not get.

I so agree with that last line! I'm not trying to say to be so honest as to every tiny detail in life that would needlessly hurt others feelings. But about the main core in our lives I do.
I believe in being polite at all times and I can paint a smile on my face if need be like anyone else. But these silly mind games that some play with in their families..Well like you, I just don't get it! And I don't like it! I've called a few of my family members out on it too. The running "joke" if you can call it that? Is don't ask Kennedy what she thinks unless you really want her honest opinion. Because she will be HONEST! LOL
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: lancaster lady on April 06, 2011, 11:20:47 AM
My ole Dad used to say ''Honesty is the best Policy ''
Maybe not brutally honest , but I hate hidden agendas , no eggshells in this family now !
Folk may sulk for a while , but they usually come out of it , aye the truth hurts sometime .....lol
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: justus on April 06, 2011, 01:16:50 PM
Laurie, your DIL reminds me of SD and it is a princess complex. She was the only child until DH married me when she was 14, and she was the first GC on both sides for three years. Another GC who lived in a different part of the country was born a couple of years later and another one wasn't born for another 15 years. The adult relatives all competed for her attention and love. She was the center of their world and she could do no wrong.

Enter me into the picture and it took her several years to learn that when she said "Jump" she would be waiting a long, long time for me to jump. She went from in control and the center of the world to being just another kid in the house. She would literally walk into the room talking and expect everyone to shut up because what she had to say was so much more important. After the first couple of times when I had to pull jaw out of my lap because of how rude it was and how DH just accepted it, I refused to stop talking. The first time, she talked louder than me, but I ignored her and when she threw a fit, I told her exactly how rude it was to do what she was doing. She had no idea what to do with someone who expected her to be a decent person and I don't think DH realized how much of a spoiled brat she was. Part of it was the age, but a lot of it was her.

She was totally loyal to those relatives who had spoiled her and still spoiled her. They kissed her behind, gave her what she wanted when she wanted it, and made her the center of their world when they saw her. Me and my kids, well, even though we got her through some rough times when those other relatives were no where in site, we weren't important. They showed up for the picture worthy events, I spent time in the hospital at her bedside.

When she had GC, she went stupid. All of her issues showed themselves, and she has lots of issues. It was like she didn't have any control over her stupidity. She took statements out of context just like your DIL and had no sense of who was important. Even though me and my kids did so much for her when GC was born, there are pictures of none of us with GC until she was 6 months old. There are tons of pictures with friends who SD never talked to again, and of family she has since CO, but there are none of us. DD wasn't even allowed to hold her, and she wouldn't bring her to our house because it was too "filthy." I am not the best housekeeper, but we are not filthy by any means. After GC was 6 months old DS, who refused to leave the hospital during the birth because SD almost died, wasn't ever allowed to hold her or to see her when GD was an infant. SD did some really horrible things that she now feels very guilty about and realizes were totally wrong.

She did come around when GC was about 6 months old and we all developed a wonderful relationship with GD. DD became THE Aunt and one of the few people SD trusted to babysit. When DS came home to visit when GD was a year old, SD came to see him even though she was very sick so he could see GD and GD who used to be very shy around new people took to him like a duck to water.

SD moved about a year and a half ago to be with those relatives she was loyal to and one of them hurt GD in a bad way. Those relatives are blowing it of and acting like SD is overreacting. Now SD regrets moving, regrets leaving her "real" family behind, regrets moving away from those people who loved them and who they could count on. Now, at 26, she gets it. There is hope. Sometimes the Princess grows up.

Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: LaurieS on April 06, 2011, 04:32:55 PM
Quote from: Kennedy on April 06, 2011, 10:21:53 AM
Laurie,
Is this your first Grandchild?

Also what did you mean about her family looking as if you have no emotional attachment to your kids? is it because y'all refuse to be ordered around by your children?

Yes, Kennedy this will be our first grandchild, as well has her parents first ... I believe a halo showed on the ultrasound :)  You asked about the emotional attachment or lack of... I have come to realize that for some reason, dil's foo seems to think that we are not close to our son... I believe it is due to the fact that we do not follow him around and insert our faces into his every memory.... We instead stepped back and let him enjoy college/military and so on with love and support from us but not a constant  intrusion into his adult life. 

When we  have been ambushed with her family we have declined invitations for events and visits... I'm sure my dil has painted us with a pretty negative brush when speaking with her FOO... Only parents who do not love their kids would back out of a trip at the last minute, is most likely how we are being presented.   What made me realize that our love for our children was on the judgment table  was when my son was sitting in a chair.. I was standing behind it and had my hands on his shoulders.. my DIL's father looked at my hands then looked at me.. I just thought that was odd.. I think I was asking my son if he wanted something to drink or whatever when I slid my hands down his chest and kissed him on top of the head... both her parents stopped and looked at us.. they looked at me like I had invaded his private space.. and they looked at my son as if they were expecting a negative reaction.  They were obviously surprised that my son and I were comfortably interacting and had a normal parent/child relationship.

What this stems from I'm not positive.. I know my son would never be gushy about his parents, but how many guys are?  I'm equally certain that he would never imply to anyone that we did not love him.. he may say that his sister is spoiled and gets more.. that I could see him saying.. but he would not have denounced our love and pride that we have for him. 
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: LaurieS on April 06, 2011, 04:34:10 PM
Quote from: justus on April 06, 2011, 01:16:50 PM
When she had GC, she went stupid.

LOL.. that description made me laugh... sometimes they do grow up... I have my fingers crossed
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: justus on April 06, 2011, 05:27:55 PM
I have mine crossed for you, as well. Even if SD hadn't gotten sane, GC is such an amazing kid, she would have loved and appreciated us despite DD. I think that will be the case for you.
Title: Re: Playing Favorites/Another birthday question
Post by: justus on April 06, 2011, 06:17:00 PM
I have also been characterized as "uninvolved" by my own FOO. M is diagnosable. I won't go into it too deeply, but I will say that my M was/is afraid of abandonment. When I did the healthy thing and put my DH before her, she then went after my kids. So, even though my Ps were comparatively uninvolved, they totally criticized DH and I if we didn't go to every single little thing our kids did. I am not a helicopter parent, many of the things my kids did, they did even though I didn't even know these programs existed and they chose to do them themselves. They always had our support, but their drive was their own and I admire them for it. DD was afraid of water, but she joined the swim team. DS joined because DD had joined. DS was the star in two of our local children's theater productions and I didn't even know he tried out until he got the parts. They are pretty wonderful. I, if not DH went to everything I could go to. DH went to many events if not everything, but, he is their SD and their D never went to anything.

I can count on one hand the events my Ps attended of mine, but they attended almost all of my DS's, if not my DD's and used that as a comparison instead of their involvement my and my sibling's lives. 

I have been on so many sides of the judgement thing, and not always as the victim. I have mistakenly assumed so many erroneous things and been caught out you would think I would have learned my lesson, and yet I persist in being judgmental.

My children have seen that their GP's take on things is not to be taken seriously, but it took a while. I hope your DS and DIL will also see this. There is sometimes such a clash of cultures when people marry. I think this is why several religions warn against marrying outside one's religion and even the American Indians warn against marrying outside one's tribe. But love will come where it may and the rest of us just have to deal.

I truly think  that as your DS and DIL try to become a family on their own and are blocked by over-involved parents their tune will change.