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My dd's future mil is visiting this weekend to look at the two venues that the kids have narrowed things down to for their wedding.  I'm debating on whether or not I should go with them  as I have already visited both places.  I invited her to stay overnight at our house since driving home would be to exhausting without a nights sleep. 

So the question is.. should I go?  Oh and what can I make for dinner, she was just diagnosed as a diabetic.... and do any of you know of a good breakfast casserole that I can make the night before?

I wouldn't go. She's staying with you and you've already seen the places. This gives her a chance to be honest with the kids about the venues and gives her some one-on-one time.

I'm googling P90x breakfast casseroles for you at the moment...not having much luck.

Can you ask DD if you should go or not?  Personally I don't take much of an interest in what other people do for their wedding so for me, it would be purely a social visit.  I'd compliment both their venues...but we don't know how FMIL views weddings?

Laurie, I'd ask DD. Really, ASK HER!!!! (Yes, that is an order! lol)... I wish my mom would have been "around" when we discussed wedding stuff with MIL. She wouldn't have "stood up for me" (as I think you would  ;) ) But, it would have been helpful knowing that there was someone else there who supported my decision. I secretly wish my Mom had called up MIL and told her "Anon wants he wedding outside with a potluck reception so if you don't like it stick it where the sun don't shine and quit stressing out my little girl! There are things such as coolers and crockpots and the idea that food will spoil during a brief wedding ceremony is Hogwash!" LOL

Will your DD, FSIL, also be coming back to the house for dinner? Give you all a chance to talk about the venues pros/cons. Do you know which they are leaning towards at this point and why? I hope your DD is getting a good MIL like the ones on here and not one that is talked about on here lol

IDK, ADIL, I'd love my mom to stand up for me, but it  won't resolve anything...and I'm an adult, so I can't expect her to do my bidding for me.

Quote from: Holly on May 17, 2011, 07:33:10 AM
IDK, ADIL, I'd love my mom to stand up for me, but it  won't resolve anything...and I'm an adult, so I can't expect her to do my bidding for me.

You're right, but it sure would make me feel good! LOL

Oooooor..... that boxing ring would work. :-)

This is supposed to be a diabetic breakfast casserole, but IMO it sounds like it would make a tasty dinner. :-) Might put it on our menu for next week.

http://www.ifood.tv/recipe/bertha-s-breakfast-casserole


I mean really, ground beef in a "breakfast" casserole? Not in my neck of the woods lol

Here's a casserole one that gets refrigerated over night.

http://www.ifood.tv/recipe/simple-sunday-brunch

Where are the boxing gloves :)

Actually I've met the fmil once and found her to be quite nice. We also seem to have quite a bit in common, two sons the same age, etc.  The fmil and I are probably pretty close on our views, I may be considered a little more laid back, and fully aware of the fact that her son and my daughter are not the perfect angels that they are trying to portray :)  She tends to think more along the lines of, if I don't know then it's not happening :) 

The only area where my dd has expressed concern is the fmil has stated a couple of times that they would like to host "a really nice" rehearsal dinner.  I know that the kids were thinking more of a casual dinner at my house where they could turn it into a pool party and save money that might be floated over to the wedding because without doubt there will be a shortage of funds.

Now I could be wrong but I told my dd that I THOUGHT that this is not a case of fmil not listening because no one (her son and fdil) has clearly and fully explained to her what it is they would like to do.  I tried to explain that she has been left to assume that the rehearsal dinner will be the only part that she'll be allowed to freely participate in.  I'm also making the assumption that she is speaking about a nice/formal rehearsal dinner in part because well by traditional standards this is where she will be judged as the mother of the groom.

The truth of the matter is... the kids are only looking at a semi-traditional wedding... I had made mention at our first meeting that my dd and her son have decided to have dd's best friend officiate the wedding.. the woman looked at me like I was have crazed. LOL at that point I said ok, all information such as that is coming directly from my dd and her son.  I think that if fmil has more time to sit and talk that she will see that these two have a pretty clear path they are choosing to follow.... the goal that the young couple has is to get fmil to roll some of the funds that she earmarked for the dinner into the funding of the wedding.  I don't know if it's right or wrong, but I gave my dd and fsil a set amount that we will spend on the wedding, and it's not quite enough to cover the whole thing... but they have options.. set their priorities, scale back..or come up with funds of their own. 

I will consider the weekend successful if the fmil leaves understanding that no one is viewing this as 'my daughters wedding' but as their wedding.  DD told me recently that they would like to change the traditional invitations that state the parents of the brides names and instead use more encompassing terminology.  I fully agreed.. the only thing I would ask for is a front row seat.. the rest is about them.

Quote from: AnonymousDIL on May 17, 2011, 08:04:38 AM
Here's a casserole one that gets refrigerated over night.

http://www.ifood.tv/recipe/simple-sunday-brunch

That sounds great Adil.. I bookmarked it.. but my fsil will not eat ham... I mean really who doesn't like ham.. I can see the green peas that he picks out of everything but ham?  Guess I could change that to sausage?  He didn't even like the honeybaked ham I had at Christmas..

Does he not eat ham because he is .... a vegetarian/vegan..... Jewish..... or just doesn't like it?

He just doesn't like it.. this boy can devour a half of a meatloaf in one meal.. he's definitely not meat shy :)

I wouldn't go unless invited by FMIL.  I think by giving her the opportunity to go without you, it is saying that she is valued as a participant.  I am saying this because of her coming back to your house afterwards, and I think that would be a great time to sit down, all of you and discuss things over dinner.  Maybe then they can voice their ideas and communicate what they would like to see happen?  That way, there is no misunderstanding on what is communicated to FMIL.  It's coming from them and not you.

I think your DD and FSIL have good heads on their shoulders and will make her understand what they want.  Maybe you could ask DD/FSIL if that would work for them and then communicate to FMIL that since you have already seen the venues, you thought you would stay back at the house and let her go with them?  Who knows, she might interject with, "Oh no, I would love for you to go too."

Laurie - can I make a suggestion for the invitations?  If they're trying to save money, they can try and print them themselves.  There are some really nice print-your-own packages out there!  That way they can personalize it as they see fit.

For example, for our wedding invitations (13 yrs ago now), we chose 2-up cards (which means 2 cards fit on one sheet of 8.5 x 11 cardstock), on the front we printed out our wording


And then inside we printed (using a mail merge):

Dear Auntie Mae,

Please join us for a reception at xxxxx.

And then we printed the map on the back side of the invite.  That way, there was only one piece of paper to keep track of. 

Our RSVP cards we used 4-up cards and made them up like postcards.  So on the one side we used a stamp that said LOVE (fancied it up with embossing powder) and then on the other side we printed our address on the right and on the left the RSVP information "will /will not attend" type thing on the left.

Our goals were to save paper, save money and make it more personalized, because it had every invitee's name on the inside.

I think you're approaching this really well.  Keep up the good work!

Maybe I am way off base here, but I am thinking that if she feels valued as a participant in other matters, she might be willing to give on the rehearsal dinner? 

I wouldn't say that is way off base at all.

I like the seed paper invitations.  I believe they are fairly inexpensive as well.

Was this the FMIL who said she was watching Jeopardy and could DS call her back when he was calling with news of the engagement? 

Laurie, I am really impressed by your treatment of FMIL. She is a lucky MOTG, for sure. I hope all continues to go smoothly.

One of my friend's daughters just got married and they took a picture of both of them that they loved, and had them made into invitations using the picture cards (like you do a Christmas card) at Walmart (designed them online).  They were very nice, inexpensive in the grand scheme of things and fit their personalities.  Then they included an RSVP like Scoop just mentioned that they did themselves.  I loved them and we had a great picture of them to boot!

We (and by "we" I mean I lol) did our own invitations. Printed black and white engagement photos of us and hearts that we had made in the sand on cream cardstock. Then printed the words on vellum (available at Jo Ann Fabrics for around $10 a pack that will do 100 invitations). Used a wavy paper cutter along the edges and tied with a pink ribbon to the back. It printed with my pic in one corner looking down over the words and DH in the bottom corner looking up at me. :-)

You can make really nice invitations on your own. For CHEAP! We spent  maybe $25 for all the vellum, cardstock, ribbon and envelopes. Plus then they are very personal.

Quote from: pam1 on May 17, 2011, 08:22:42 AM
I like the seed paper invitations.  I believe they are fairly inexpensive as well.

Was this the FMIL who said she was watching Jeopardy and could DS call her back when he was calling with news of the engagement?

LOL.. it was the Bachelor that she was watching when he tried to tell her of his engagement.. yes I thought that was pretty funny

My dd is trying to find ways to include her fmil.. we all thought that it might be fun to meet in Austin one day and go dress shopping.. while I know that is suppose to be a grand mother/daughter event.. I've lived through 3 of her prom dresses and I'm quite willing to share the more intimate affair.. the only thing that my dd has mentioned that she really just wanted my participation in and not her fmil is when she actually puts on her dress for the ceremony .. we can do that.. besides fmil may not feel comfortable seeing her butt floss panties and her I had to buy some cleavage bra.

Besides the more interaction this woman has with my daughter the more she'll know who she is, because I can guarantee that she hasn't seen the 'real' her yet. 

Good ideas about the invites.... my dil is super big into card making... I mean like she is the card queen.. she is very creative and my dd was thinking of asking her if she would like to help make the invitations in lieu of a wedding gift.  My dil mentioned to me that she was hoping that she would be asked to participate in some fashion but did not want to interfere.  lol.. but then my dil asked me if I would include her mother when we went to the venue to try out the dinner selections.. that was one of those times I hung up the phone and said wow I think I need a glass of wine :)

I'm now picturing you as carrying a flask in your purse for "emergencies" lol

adil... if you could see the size glass of wine I had before my son's wedding you'd be shocked... I had been up all night with a very sick husband and by 6 the next morning we were at the hospital (thank god for onstar)  The staff got my husband stabilized and with his consent I ran to the hairdresser who insisted on making me look like I was headed to a rap concert...  I walked into the hotel room and everyone about died laughing at my spiked hair.. so with very little time left to undo the do, get to the church.. explain to my son that his father was not going to make it to the wedding.. oh and I  needed to stop crying.. I downed a baked potato and this mega glass of wine.  Upon arriving at the church the Pastor approached me to tell me how sorry she was to hear about my husband's sudden illness... I smiled and said if I don't talk about it.. I won't cry.. she said but you look so happy and relaxed.. I admitted to her I was half drunk :)  While I find a flask to be a little to masculine for my taste I think I can strap a whole bottle of wine to my thigh if I wear the right dress.     

Laurie, that story belongs in a movie.

I love your DD's desire for a more casual, fun wedding. My DIL went from small & casual to fancy & expensive in a minute! We spent way more than we'd anticipated as PsOTG. We drank a little that night...

Quote from: Laurie on May 17, 2011, 08:54:46 AM
While I find a flask to be a little to masculine for my taste I think I can strap a whole bottle of wine to my thigh if I wear the right dress.   

My BFF has one that has pink rhinestones all over it! LOL If you go Southern Belle with a hoop skirt you could fit 2 bottles easily.

No open bar at this affair?

hoop skirt it is :)

I hear you Pen.. and I think it's easy for people to get caught up in the romance of the wedding... but we have always said that it's a party.. lol... yes a wedding but a party.. and while some people can justify a 10,000.00 per hour party I am not one of them. 

We said this is how much we'll contribute.. do with it as you would like no strings (with the exception of my front row seat)  and I only offered 5k  .. we may give them a little more at Christmas but not planning on it at this point...My dd is a 4.0 gpa grad student studying project managing... if she can't figure out how to lay all this out and make it work, and stay in budget, then it's hers to deal with.

nope no open bar.. but you know doing a southern belle wedding with everyone in hoop skirts could have it's perks :)

The one venue has in an adjoining room a nice full bar and the bartender is part of the venue package.. it will be a cash bar with a champagne for all the guest

oh besides there are going to be 20 cops there ... lol.. those boys can drink.. I thought it was funny that this one venue would not wave the security fees.. I thought oh man that security guard will be so out gunned at this event... I might have to get my concealed license just to fit in.

This is so much fun, like I said yesterday I'm living vicariously through you, MOTB. I wish I could stay here and talk weddings all morning.

Can't wait to see your hoop skirt! Can't wait to see you try to extract your flask or revolver gracefully from under one of those things.

Quote from: Laurie on May 17, 2011, 09:10:45 AM
My dd is a 4.0 gpa grad student studying project managing... if she can't figure out how to lay all this out and make it work, and stay in budget, then it's hers to deal with.

She can always use that experience in job interviews in the future. They love asking for examples of how you managed X lol

Psst! you can get some long tubing and run it up the dress so you have a super long straw.... :-)

I'd be one of those who fell over and never got back up :)  Weddings I guess are fun.. my own was perfect but it was just me and the hubs.. no guest and that was perfect for us. 

Pen you can help me come up with something for table centerpieces.. each table seats 8.. tight budget here.. the kids are having their names and date printed on rally towels which will be used to see them off instead of bubbles or birdseed.. everyone will wave the rally towel and then its also a party favor.. so I was thinking the towels are white with blue print.. how can I roll, fold, do something with 8 towels as part of the centerpiece?

Quote from: AnonymousDIL on May 17, 2011, 09:24:08 AM

Psst! you can get some long tubing and run it up the dress so you have a super long straw.... :-)

yes we can run the tube up and through our bustiere.. I'll just look like I'm checking for wardrobe malfunctions as I'm tucking my head down.

What about those diaper gift baskets as a guide to the towel centerpiece?

That's funny about FMIL, I'd like her already.  I think you all got a good thing going there, I'm happy for you all!

I'll look up diaper gift baskets.. great idea..  now I have to run.. I just told someone I'm not going to be home and he said well I'll come measure the outside area if that's ok with you.. shoot now I have to go to Curves so not to look like the liar I was being.. it always haunts you

2 things!

- just say *NO* to hoop skirts!  Sure, they conceal your bottle BUT if you sit down (or heaven forbid pass out) that sucker pops right up and gives everyone an upskirt view!

- centerpieces, we had our wedding cake maker make a cake for each table, it was the centerpiece and  the dessert in one.  The reception facility gave us pizza at 11 instead of the dessert that came with our meal package.  We also had a MUCH smaller actual wedding cake because of it, but it was okay.  It went with our casual theme.

Here's all I have to say about hoop skirts....Junior Prom....Southern belle dress theme with hoop skirts....date arrived in a convertible....use your imagination!

I now think we have to take our creative minds and come up with a nice size purse design that allows a rum runner to be filled with wine for Laurie, with an opening of some sort in the bottom corner, with a small straw that she can sip from...hmmm....

Quote from: Pooh on May 17, 2011, 10:03:23 AM
I now think we have to take our creative minds and come up with a nice size purse design that allows a rum runner to be filled with wine for Laurie, with an opening of some sort in the bottom corner, with a small straw that she can sip from...hmmm....

These "In-Law Purses" will be available for sale on Pooh's website....

Yes, and if you call in the next 30 seconds...I will throw in the trial size bottle of "Eau De Back-Off" for FREE! 

They make a "camel-back" backpack for bikers that can hold a liter or TWO.

But then Laurie would have to look like she has a dowager's hump!

Decisions, decisions.

That's not a bad idea Scoop....have you seen those dresses with the huge collars that stand up...that might cover it up...

We can make them special for alcoholic beverages. Call it "The Drunken Camel."

You know I went off to be good and do my curves routine this morning and look at what you guys did with my topic :)

Ok hoop skirts are out.. thanks Scoop... you know I did think about doing the individual cakes at the tables but hubby to be is all freaked out because he says that he wants a special police badge cake... we tried to talk him into a krispy cream donut cake but that was a no go...  Oh he had one other request.. if they use this one really pretty venue, there is a ramp (shhh handicap ramp) that the groom and his guys will walk down.. the groom has requested that we put a banner on the railing that says 'Walk of Shame'  ....

I do know that my daughter is talking about cutting out most flowers she said that that is an expense that means nothing to her..  I'll bet the cake on each table looked precious.. any pictures of that Scoop?

Hey Laurie,

I think it's really sweet of you to even consider what you should do to make FMIL feel secure and involved.  I would say since you've already seen the venues, just let the 3 of them go unless they insist you come, too.  FMIL might want you there to bounce the "mom" comments off of. 

Also, we designed our own Save-The-Date magnets (had them printed and shipped to us from an online store- they will do a proof for you for free) and printed our own cards and I got so many compliments on both.  It was not expensive at all. 

fmil said that she would like to see save the dates sent out..... I just want for both kids to realize that we see this as 'their' day.. my ds was a little frustrated with the months leading up to his wedding... actually I wasn't.. I was like ok you want to me what.. sure tell me when and where

Laurie :

I really envy your excitement and involvement for you Dd wedding .
How kind of you and your DD to involve the motg in everything .
Makes me sad , that I am missing soo much of my Ds's wedding arrangements .

I'm grateful that I too have a DD yet to be married ....she's waiting for the perfect man ... so I won't hold
my breath !

They all went for a tasting yesterday of the wedding feast , F/DIL her FOO and my Ds .....I wonder what it was like ?

LL, are her parents paying for the reception?

Yes they are .....with a contribution from my DS FOO ....us !

LL, not so nice Pam thought it would be fun if there was a touch of food poisoning at the wedding feast tasting.

I put her in the corner for now.

LOL

I don't want to spoil Laurie's post with my rant ....so I won't !

Laurie:

Everything sounds great , I can feel the buzz from here . ;D

Quote from: Scoop on May 17, 2011, 11:30:41 AM
They make a "camel-back" backpack for bikers that can hold a liter or TWO.

But then Laurie would have to look like she has a dowager's hump!

Decisions, decisions.

How about a camel-back frontpack, tee-hee-hee  ;)

Quote from: lancaster lady on May 17, 2011, 02:42:45 PM

They all went for a tasting yesterday of the wedding feast , F/DIL her FOO and my Ds .....I wonder what it was like ?

Well that makes me sad and you aren't going to ruin anything by talking about it.  I was not invited when the bride-to-be, her mom and her grandmothers went to sample the meal for my son's wedding.  The only real involvement we had was when we had lunch and picked out the food for the catered rehearsal dinner. 

Oh I almost forgot I was invited to the bridal shower where the bad mother-in-law was joked about before I stood up and said.. hello.. I am the mother-in-law-to-be.  At first it did hurt a little but then I saw that everything about that wedding was 100% all about the princess bride.. this is what she and her mother had dreamed about for a very long time and who was I to interfere with that dream.  So when the opportunity arrived for me to pick up a big hunk of the tab, I opted not to. And.... I did not feel more then a smidgen of guilt.  To this day my dil refers the day has her wedding.

My dd still shakes her head in disbelief as to how little our family was considered and I think in part that is why she is trying hard not to make the same mistake.. well what we view as mistakes.. my dil thought her day was perfect as she should.. the exception of her new fil trying to upstage her with emergency surgery :)  Actually I'm joking about that.. my dil rolled so well with the dilemma  had it not been for the ever constant grapevine no one would have been the wiser. Newly married bride and groom even went to the hospital so dad could see his son for the first time in his dress blues, and my dil really was beautiful in her gown.

But LL you should have been invited and I'm sorry that you weren't .. a gesture as small as including  your future mil would have meant the world to at least one person, I hope that they overlooked you based on nothing more then ignorance.  I'm really sorry.   

Thanks Laurie....I guess when our DS gets married his DM is last in line.......you know I found out the wedding date on FB ......also the bride and her mom picked the venue together .My DS finally saw the venue two weeks ago ! When I asked if they wanted a contribution ,the answer was no .However as we get nearer the date , monetary funds have been asked for ......Now I could let all these things build up into a huge showdown ,but we've been there already and the stress landed me in hospital .There are lots of other things niggling away ,but they are going over my head.I think they are giving me lots of access to my GD to keep me sweet ........hhhmm ! Who by the way will be spending the wedding night with my DIL foo ......whom I have met twice ! .......Anyway my outfit is bought ,and I also bought my GD a beautiful dress ......August is the date ,so until then I am keeping out of the way ........who said I was the best MIL in the world ? ..........lol

Dear Lancaster Lady...you will look beautiful. in your new outfit....... How can you be the best mil....dil didnt earn it.   The loss is hers.

Love

Thankyou Nana......I just posted that you and I have similar stories .......time will tell....thankyou for caring ..x

LL, my DS had his wedding at my Mother's house.  They asked us to do the rehearsal dinner and wanted a big cook-out.  No problem.  They invited 50 people.  No problem.  Then proceeded to complain to everyone that we did not want anything to do with their family because we were unsocial.  Problem!  Lol.  It was hard to be social when DH and I spent the entire time grilling so DIL could have what she wanted!  Here I was thinking I was doing exactly what they asked us to do...silly me.  I have learned.

So don't sweat it.   Go and look fabulous, smile and enjoy the day that you didn't have to stress over.  Like Nana said, their loss.

I don't know if this is like any of your DILs, but I just want to share with you guys that my MIL was not invited to our taste testing, for several reasons, and none of it was because we didn't want good family relations or were just thinking we didn't want her there.  Actually at this point in the relationship, I was bending over backwards to accommodate their family and make sure they felt included and valued.

For one, it honestly really didn't even come up.  It wasn't something that really went through my mind because MIL was not paying a dime for this venue, for the food, for the drinks, for anything having to do with this place and I was just so thankful and gracious to my parents for even considering the venue we booked that I was concentrating on making it the best experience for them.  This was a golf club who offered to do a full 4 course sit down dinner with drinks included for us so we could be comfortable with their chef.  I mean...really nice place and they served us steaks and prime rib, so I didn't feel right inviting more people than necessary to make the decision because I thought it would be rude on my part to say, "oh freebies?  Cool, I'll bring everyone I could find."  I almost just had my mom and dad go because I even felt like 4 of us was a lot.  Second, I am pretty sure I have talked about this before, but I have anxiety problems and I felt like at a lot of turns, I was getting a lot of "clutter" from different people giving me their opinions about this or that dealing with the wedding and I didn't want it.  It felt chaotic to me to involve more than who was paying for it in the decision.  For the rehearsal dinner, my parents weren't involved in it at all.  It was all between us and DH's mom, so I held everyone to the same standard.  That's just me.  I didn't want to clutter everything with trying to get everyone involved in the decision for everything- and I didn't feel right bringing more people than necessary to a venue for a free dinner from a 5 star chef.  There wasn't even one second where I thought to myself, "Oh I'm going to leave MIL out of this because I don't want her there."  There just wasn't a reason for her to be there.

I do want to add also that I really did bend over backwards to make them feel part of it.  I took my MIL with my bridesmaids to show them the dress that I was picking and try it on for them.  My own mother was not even there.  But my MIL was.  I took MIL out to lunch with my mom to talk about the wedding and if she had any special requests (which ended up being "yes I want to be able to invite whoever I want, unlimited number" but I digress).  I kept her updated about everything- when we checked out the venue, I sent her the website link and pictures of the place to show her (not ask her if it was okay- but just "keep her in the loop" because I thought it would be a nice gesture).  I told her what we had decided for our menu.  I told her our colors, of course I told her the date before everyone else, in the event there was something wrong with it.  I sent her a bunch of our engagement pictures after we took them.  I offered to send announcements to a bunch of her friends that weren't invited to the wedding- I printed them myself, addressed the envelopes, mailed them all at my own expense.  I didn't know any of those people, they weren't relevant to my life, I just thought it would show good will.

SO, I just wanted to clarify that I didn't invite my ILs to the venue for our test dinner, but that didn't mean I was purposely excluding them, or felt any ill will towards them. 

Thanks OW :.

mine is a lot more complicated than just the meal tasting .
By writing your own wedding experience to make me feel better , well then I thank you .

Good points OW.... I told my dd and her fiance that if every decision was put to a popular vote that they would be totally stressed out before the wedding.  If they can figure out what are the most important issues for her fiance, his parents, and her parents and the rest will fall into place.  To me it's like a pot luck dinner.. everyone brings a little something to the table and you instantly have a meal..

I like that philosophy.  I guess I'm a weird MIL because I'm in agreement with OW.  I would never expect to be included in everything.  I still think wedding dress trying on, picking out bridesmaids dresses, venues, food tasting, invitations and most everything should be left up to the couple and her parents (I know there are situations where parents may not be in the picture and MIL/FIL may fill those roles).  IMO, I just wanted and want as an MIL to be included on the outskirts.  Niceities like, hey we are having a photographer...anything in particular you guys want?  Hey, let me share what we have decided on for flowers.  Hey, look at these invitations, aren't they adorable?  Or how about, Thank you so much for doing the rehearsal dinner and asking us what we would like.  It was great and very much appreciated.

I think those DILs that are trying hard to include their MILs, should be commended greatly.

I think my dd wants to include her fmil more because her future husband told her that his mom said something about how wonderful it would be to experience these things, yet she does not have a daughter.  I think this is my daughters way to say hey I love you and I hear you.

As far as I go.. sharing these events makes it all that much more enjoyable.. I want to see my daughter interact with her fmil.. how else will I continue to really know my child as an independent adult if I don't get to see her in other relationships?

Quote from: Pooh on May 18, 2011, 09:35:31 AM
(I know there are situations where parents may not be in the picture and MIL/FIL may fill those roles). 

I about choked on that! I know there are some genuine circumstances for this (I lost my dad and had my DB fill in, FIL was on the "list" but DB was asked first), BUT MIL actually used that as her reason for being so intrusive into our wedding planning. She didn't want me to "miss out" on anything. Um, Hello, My MOM is STILL alive!

Thinking about it, my MIL really tried to squeeze my mom out of everything with the wedding. Probably another reason I was offended by the bridal shower gifts from "Mom." That and I am very obsinate! lol

But I totally get the including the MIL in special "girl" moments when she doesn't have a daughter. Mine does, so I felt she could share the "help the bride get dressed" when her daughter gets married.

I really didn't go into my wedding planning thinking that *anyone* needed to included.  DH and I already had ideas on how we wanted to honor our parents.  Unfortunately through the wrangling with MIL, we didn't implement on our own ideas so she got a fake pony show.  I figure it's her loss.

Even dress shopping, while that was my mothers thing I never saw that as an issue that anyone could possibly feel left out of b/c in my mind, there isn't an expectation that anyone else gets to decide anyway lol. 

Personally, the expectations people have concerning other peoples weddings are not my cup of tea.  I don't know how even get to the point to have an expectation concerning them.  *shrug*  Then again, I wasn't planning my wedding since I was a kid.

However, I have always felt extremely honored just by being invited to a wedding, let alone being asked to be a part of the bridal party.  It seems like nowadays the invite itself is taken for granted and people lose sense of the perspective of being treated to hospitality.

But that's jmho

Update.... The future b&g returned from their diving trip to Cozumel and couldn't wait to tell me that they scrapped the entire formal wedding venture... instead they are going to greatly reduce the guest list and have a casual wedding in my backyard (her dad said.. oh great) ... Fmil came for a visit and dinner on Saturday to see the house and hear what the kids came up with and I think she left agreeing that it was very workable.  So now they are taking the money and applying a lot less to the actual wedding and tossing more into the honeymoon fund and going for a exotic/erotic diving honeymoon.  Ok, I added one of those adjectives :)

Last night I got the aerial view of my house off of google maps and was able to kinda draw in tables/chairs etc... we are only talking about 50 people...we should be able to hand that without breaking a sweat right?

That sounds sooooooooo nice! I really wanted my wedding in my DM's side yard so I could be married under the archway that my dad built. Yeah, that didn't happen lol...

50 guests should be relatively easy. What time of day are they looking for? If they do sunset/early evening, you can put christmas lights up in trees and bushes to give the subtle romantic atmosphere.

This sounds so lovely! It will be nice for them to take a great honeymoon! Why spend all the money on the ceremony/reception for everyone else and nothing on the honeymoon? (that's what we did, Bleh! lol)

they are looking at early evening.. and in June they will have to do that to avoid the heat.. it's in the 90's here today.  Her fiance wanted to do the ceremony in the exact place that he proposed to her... I said see he does have a romantic side :)

Diving trip sounds great to me for a honeymoon....hope they had a great time in Cozumel!  Wish I could go back (and this time not end up in the hospital :) ) right about now!

OW if you do I'll have to send you the info on this place they stated.. all inclusive food/alcohol.. 15 dives.. reasonably priced.. and the place was very pretty and very clean

Quote from: Laurie on May 23, 2011, 07:17:20 AM
they are looking at early evening.. and in June they will have to do that to avoid the heat.. it's in the 90's here today.  Her fiance wanted to do the ceremony in the exact place that he proposed to her... I said see he does have a romantic side :)

Awwwwwwwwwww......... That is sooooo sweet!

I think that's great Laurie.  I know more work for you, but I bet they enjoy it so much more.  Glad to hear FMIL was agreeable to it and I think it's wonderful that they are going with the more casual theme.  Seems to suit their personalities better...on a side note...will you email me the info on where they stayed.  DH and I are looking at vacations...Lol.  We don't dive but are looking at all inclusive resorts.

Sure I'll get it from my dd and send it to you

Thank you.  I was just looking at cruises again this morning and other things.  YS threw a monkey wrench in our vacation plans.  We both had taken off in August to go on vacation (cruise) and he calls yesterday and tells me he has a projected graduation date of end of August now....so....change of plans.

Pooh.. they had snorkeling areas right on the beach.. and I believe they do certifications and shallow dive areas.... I know they have fishing outings as I saw the Dolphin they were hauling in.. the restaurant cleaned and cooked the dolphin (mahi-mahi) and the hotel is walking distance to the town... I'll forward as soon as dd replies... poor baby had to go back to work today... vacation is over

I totally just had to look up the Mahi-Mahi/Dolphin thing! lol I am relieved to hear that it is "DolphinFish" and not "Dolphin." After petting the sweet dolphins at seaworld, I could never eat one. :-)

Flipper doesn't even look tasty.. but yeah he ain't the only dolphin in the sea

If you go to Korea, you can eat Lassie! LOL

Trust me.. we have areas in Houston where Lassie wouldn't be safe :)

What's that, Timmy? Lassie's in the crockpot?! ROFL

Disclaimer:  There will be no Lassie's harmed in the making of this wedding.

Laurie- will you go ahead and send to me as well?  When we went diving in December we didn't stay at an all inclusive and I wish we did.  I'm sure we'll plan another dive trip soon so it will be nice to know one that's been recommended.  Did they see any sharks or turtles on their dives?  The sea turtles were my favorite.

Sure OW.. this is the second time my dd has been to this resort and loved it both times..... She said that as they were checking in a waiter greeted them with Blue Hawaiians..now that is a greeting.  The first dive they dropped down and saw 2 nurse sharks (my dd calls them nerf sharks) and several turtles...  her fiance is new at diving this was his first ocean dive, sucked all his air in record time, but by day 2 got it together and had a fantastic dive.. he said no more lakes for him. 

I like your DD & FSIL! Spend more on travel and less on the foo-foo stuff, that's my philosophy. You'll all have a more relaxed, unique, personal wedding experience. 50 guests? No problem!

Snorkeling is about my limit and I like to fish in the surf.  Just don't like catching those baby sharks....reminds me that their Mommy and Daddy is out there too!

Quote from: AnonymousDIL on May 23, 2011, 07:56:38 AM
If you go to Korea, you can eat Lassie! LOL

If you want to pay an arm and a leg lol.  Its a delicacy over there so there's no chance you'll accidentally get some like you could in the States lol

The casual wedding sounds really nice, I'm glad they are budgeting their money for the honeymoon.  Smart

Quote from: pam1 on May 23, 2011, 11:12:18 AM
The casual wedding sounds really nice, I'm glad they are budgeting their money for the honeymoon.  Smart

I know a lot about casual weddings and money budgeted for travel.  DH and I were married in the back yard with four good friends present.  We took them out to dinner at the best restaurant in town.  Extravagant, I know.  At least it felt that way then.  DH and I then took off on a year-long adventure in England, France, Netherlands, Ireland, etc. 

The only expensive wedding I have been to was my DS and DIL.  I think the budget was 30-40K.  You can spend a lot of money but if you can't find it in your heart to let your inlaws visit you, and if you won't go home with your DH to see his family, what good is all that money?

*Jaw Drop* lol We didn't even spend $4k! lol (And I wanted it even cheaper! LOL)

Seasons, I think it all depends on your ILs...lol.  My original idea for our wedding would have been around 10k but MIL threw a fit and we gave in and spent well over 20k, it could even be over 30k (I quit paying attention in disgust) so that we would be married properly in her eyes. 

IMO, money spent on the wedding really has nothing to do with the IL relationship.

Quote from: pam1 on May 23, 2011, 01:00:31 PM
IMO, money spent on the wedding really has nothing to do with the IL relationship.

LOL!!! I disagree, Pam. :-) I'm still annoyed by how much I had to pay the caterer because MIL insisted that with the potluck reception I wanted, the food would spoil during the ceremony. I could have had a really nice honeymoon with that money... Oh, wait, I was supposed to havea FREE honeymoon, but MIL invited herself along and we had to cancel it..... *find your happy place, Anon. Find your heppy place* LOL I'll be rehashing these memories on our 50th anniversary! LOL But at least they make me laugh for the most part now.

Hah money is just the red herring to me.

What kind of potluck was this? 

Our wedding was supposed to be outside at the state park where DH proposed. In leui of gifts, we wanted the guests to bring a covered dish with the recipe attached. That way I would start off with lots of recipes which is what I needed. I already had an apartment so i didn't need another blender or serving spoons lol. It was geared to be ultra low key and CHEAP! lol We were going to have a hawaiian luau theme for the whole thing. MIL squashed that idea. I was furious. I wish I had been stronger because I look back at the wedding with so much resentment towards her. There are things such as coolers and crockpots and yes there was electric. Grrrr. lol

I know what you mean and that's kind of where I was going -- it's not really the money, it's the entitlement that some people have towards other peoples milestone events.   It also didn't help that we weren't strong enough at the time, although I'm not sure that is the word.  Maybe it's wise?  Or clairvoyant?  lol

Even if someones wedding isn't my cup of tea and I have accepted the invite or accepted a role, I do it without saying anything, it's not my day.  There were so many people involved with my wedding you would have thought they were the bride or groom lol. 

Quote from: seasons on May 23, 2011, 11:24:38 AM

The only expensive wedding I have been to was my DS and DIL.  I think the budget was 30-40K.  You can spend a lot of money but if you can't find it in your heart to let your inlaws visit you, and if you won't go home with your DH to see his family, what good is all that money?

Seasons, can you clarify what the wedding budget has to do with getting along with the ILs?  I'm not following.

Yep, the entitlement. It wasn't a matter of her being DH's mom or not. It comes down to her NOT being the bride lol... We would have saved sooo much money. The guys weren't going to be in tuxes, they were going to wear hawaiian shirts and khakis . DH was wearing a hawaiian shirt and khakis the first time I met him.  :D

Quote from: overwhelmed123 on May 23, 2011, 01:50:20 PM

Quote from: seasons on May 23, 2011, 11:24:38 AM

The only expensive wedding I have been to was my DS and DIL.  I think the budget was 30-40K.  You can spend a lot of money but if you can't find it in your heart to let your inlaws visit you, and if you won't go home with your DH to see his family, what good is all that money?

Seasons, can you clarify what the wedding budget has to do with getting along with the ILs?  I'm not following.

Not to put words in Seasons' mouth. But it sounds to me like DS/DIL had an extravagant wedding, asked her/DH to help fund it, and now won't spend time with them. Is that what happened, Season?

See, those are the personal touches in a wedding that I love going too!  What a good idea, Adil.  it's too bad it didn't work out, I told DH one day I was going to be a bridezilla and have a do-over lol.

Maybe on our tenth anniversary I'll have that dang carnival.

Quote from: pam1 on May 23, 2011, 01:54:51 PM
See, those are the personal touches in a wedding that I love going too!  What a good idea, Adil.  it's too bad it didn't work out, I told DH one day I was going to be a bridezilla and have a do-over lol.

Maybe on our tenth anniversary I'll have that dang carnival.

HAHA!!!! We are having a redo on our 10th too! AND it falls on a Saturday! Going to have that hawaiian wedding if it kills me! LOL (With my Sandcastle Wedding Cake  ;) )

Mulligan!

LOL Adil, you mean business girl, already knowing that your anniversary falls on a Saturday LOL

Hopefully by the time our 10th's roll around we will have met in person and then we can send each other invites to our wacky weddings :)  And yes, I was just fishing for an invite to the rodeo LOL

Uhhh...I don't even know what day our anniversary falls on THIS year...LOL.

The entire time my dd's fmil was at the house, all I ever heard her say was 'yes if that is what you kids want".  All I saw was someone who only wants for her son to be happy, content, and looking forward to the event.  I never caught a glimpse of someone who would push her agenda onto the kids wedding day.. meaning that she has  no agenda to push. 

Even if she or I had this fairy tale dream, I can't see my dd or her fiance rolling over and allowing their special day to be shanghaied to match our dreams.  Adil and Pam.. how did you two find yourselves in the situation you did with your mil's? 

Laurie, you and FMIL sound like dream MILs.  I'm serious.

How did I find myself there?  Well, it's a little hazy but I remember a lot of crying.  Not me, I was mostly in shock.

There was a lot of that triangulated communication I was talking about in the other thread, MIL is a master manipulator.  She'd tell DH one thing, me another etc.  At one point she was telling me things that were absolutes she wanted in her sons wedding so I accomodated and she was telling DH other absolutes so he was choosing that for the wedding. 

It wasn't clear cut and a lot of the time after the fact when we couldn't take it back, signed a contract or put a down payment on something, DH and I would have unraveled the drama and who was at the end knotting it up?  MIL

I also wanted to be nice and figured that the wedding was just one day and the relationships with ILs would be forever.  I figured if I gave up stuff then she would naturally see me as less of a threat and we could begin our own relationship.  I was really looking forward to having a relationship with her, I was down right excited to put it mildly.  I *LOVE* family, I love everything about families.  So it was pretty important to me that she be happy.

Basically I became a doormat and then resentful.

I guess I have to ask.. why were you and fdh not communicating as this was going on?  I'm not being snide Pam.. do not take my question as being so.. but I guess what I don't understand and it may not apply to your family since you said that your mil has been diagnosed with a mental illness but.. if you allowed yourself to become a doormat (which does not strike me to be your typical approach) are you more resentful towards your mil, your dh, or yourself?

And I'm far from a dream mil I'm sure in my dil's eyes :) 

Eh the princess just doesn't know what she's missing :)

No, DH and I did not have good communication at that time.  We've improved but it's still difficult with MILs personality, things you would never dream of asking or check up on you have to do with her.  Or you will come away with a totally different idea of whats truly going on.  She's very, very good at it and our last conversation admitted that guilt is the only way to raise children.  So she clearly has no qualms with using some of those lesser valued qualities.

A lot of it is just our personalities, I think.  I'm not typically a doormat but I also just don't care about a lot of things enough to have a specific outcome.  I just like peace and harmony so 99 times out of 100 I will always let someone else get their way.  There's so few things I actually value that have to do with other peoples cooperation so I'm lucky in that respect, I guess.  My value system is totally different than my MILs and really, there's not a whole lot she can do to change that or participate in my own world lol.  I just find different things rewarding.  When people talk of being disappointed about things like weddings or those type of things I can't naturally relate to them.  So with MIL and getting to know her and she would be upset or something, in my mind it would go....oh, this must mean more to you than me, so yes lets do it your way.  I can always go to the park and people watch to make me happy with life lol, I don't need as much as she does if that makes sense.

DH is similar to me in that he doesn't care about a lot of those things either.  And then we have MILs personality who will take and take and take.  And as I'm not a total doormat, I'm just weird...my kindness is taken as weakness....and ka-bam, fireworks!

Oh and yes, this dynamic made me much more resentful towards myself.  I had momentary phases of being resentful towards DH and MIL but at the end of the day, I realized that the problem was me and not staying true to my value system.  What irks me now is the constant game, I do not like game playing.  Hopefully MIL will realize one day soon and will quit it. 

Quote from: Laurie on May 23, 2011, 03:01:41 PM
I guess I have to ask.. why were you and fdh not communicating as this was going on?  I'm not being snide Pam.. do not take my question as being so.. but I guess what I don't understand and it may not apply to your family since you said that your mil has been diagnosed with a mental illness but.. if you allowed yourself to become a doormat (which does not strike me to be your typical approach) are you more resentful towards your mil, your dh, or yourself?

And I'm far from a dream mil I'm sure in my dil's eyes :)

You have the wrong DIL, Laurie!

And I know the Q was for Pam, but.... My MIL pulled the same thing. DH and I were on the same page, but he still lived at home. After I had told her "no" many many times over many many things she stopped addressing wedding Q's to me at all. (Why? I was the BRIDE! Grrrr). Soooo, what she started doing was harrassing the you-know-what out of DH. I didn't like him being upset, so I gave on the first thing, BIG mistake. EVERYTHING ended up changed. I mean, the Woman already had her day, why did she think she needed to take over mine? *sigh*

Pssst! Pam! I think we might be twins lol ... People misunderstand my kindness/politeness as I am letting them have their way. An innocent thing as "Do you like these flowers?" "They are pretty." ends up with MIL buying all the flowers for my flowerbed without any input from me. Sure the flowers were pretty but I didn't want them in MY flowerbed (incidentally, those flowers have still not been planted! HA!)

Heh Adil, I've had to make sure I add so many qualifiers...."yes, those flowers are pretty, but I'm looking for ____"  can't even say a color cause you will just get those color flowers.

I just wish people stopped buying me things.  So much clutter.  I wonder if it's rude to ask them just to put money in my allowance account lol.

HaHa, Pam! That is soooo true! I remember the cake. MIL had a wedding cake business when DH was younger (He "attacked" a cake when he was little so she gave it up lol). When DH told me, I thought "What a Perfect way to get her involved, but out of my hair!" Soooo, "What kind of cake do you want?" "We want a three tiered stacked cake." MIL:"Stacked cakes are ugly. You should have pillars." Me: "I liked pillars, but they don't really go with our theme. Our cake topper is seated with their shoes off." .... She seriously didn't let it go! I did get the three tiered stacked cake in the end though lol, but I did have to go to the trouble of finding and buying all the separater plates and dowels, plus calculating how many boxes of cake mix she would need. If I had known she would turn it into such a headache I would have just bought one.

Adil now this is just getting weird.  We had a cake issue too.  I thought it would be nice to ask MIL to go cake tasting, she's an excellent baker so she would know high quality and all that.

Anyway, she turned me down b/c she didn't want to pick out a taste that no one liked and she didn't want to be the one who ruined our wedding cake. I mean, this tirade of being the picker of a future doomed cake went on and on. lol, like we weren't going to be there and we were just going to let her pick willy nilly anyway. 

But she had no issues in trying to pick out my dress! 

ADIL- she had a wedding cake business, but used cake mix? 

my dd wants to go with a cupcake cake.. it will just have the more traditional top layer.. so I've been watching cupcake wars... they come up with some strange combinations but according to that show if I had any talent I could whip out the cupcakes in less then 2 hours from start to set up

Cupcake cake is awesome!  Are they doing different flavors?  They can do it in the shape of a cop badge...lol....or a police baton. 

I think they will stick with the traditional chocolate and vanilla... The plan on playing down the police theme lol.. but I did suggest that he write his vows on his ticket book.  Maybe they can do a little grooms cake.. funny thing.. I was looking at some pictures today of my oldest son's wedding..and I saw his grooms cake for the first time.. just to many things going on at a wedding to catch it all.

Wait a minute, you didn't do the grooms cake?  LOL.  I forgot in our cake fiasco to mention how MIL wasn't willing to have any part in the wedding cake but later insisted that it was the Mother of the Grooms *DUTY* to make the grooms cake.

So, Laurie are you telling me you didn't do your duty?

Was the grooms cake themed?

Groom's cake? Huh?

It's a smaller cake for a different flavor.  A lot of the time it is tied into a hobby of the grooms or something.  I don't think it is so popular anymore but it used to be for awhile.

OMG, you guys don't do grooms cakes up there?  It's all the rage in TX.

We didn't do one- just made the layers of our wedding cake different flavors- a couple chocolate and a couple vanilla.

Layers..I meant to say tiers.

yeah my son's was the TAMU band logo with some jets... cause he is a piccolo playing pilot :)  And I guess I didn't live up to my responsibilities :)

My fsil said that he want dd to have her bridal portraits and he wants groomal portraits too... he said that he really wants an engagement ring to let the world know that his playin days are over... now how serious is he... I haven't a clue :) 

Haha, he is too cute!

lol Laurie.  My DH wore his wedding band as soon as it was ready.  Maybe they can go shop for his now.

Quote from: overwhelmed123 on May 23, 2011, 05:28:24 PM
ADIL- she had a wedding cake business, but used cake mix?

I guess she isn't as fabulous a she thinks she is? LOL

I wanted a Rainbow Chip cake. It was my FAVORITE growing up. It ended up not being this way because MIL couldn't get the white icing to cover it completely so the colors still showed through which I would have LOVED, but instead of asking me on that one she put too muich icing on it and then the bottom layer couldn't support the weight and the whole thing collapsed and we ended up with plain cake (I'm kinda thinking this was planned.... lol). And then the day of, the groom topper tried to commit suiced! It fell off and broke off his leg, ripped off the side of the cake. They "glued" the cake back together with extra icing and tied the leg back on with black ribbon and shoved their butts on top instead of at the edge.

We didn't have a grooms cake. MIL did make sheet cakes for the guests. She put little rosebuds on EVERY piece. I told her it seemed like an awful lot to go through for cakes that no one would see. She wanted me to have them on display with the wedding cake. Um I don't think so!

Thank God it's over! LOL

wedding Cake ;
found out that THE wedding cake is going to be ....
one layer vanilla , one layer chocolate , one layer carrot .....YUM ....
wonder if I'll get a taste ??

LL, that sounds yummy. Make sure you get a great big piece at the reception!

We weren't involved in any of those sorts of preparations either when DS married, just paid our bills and kept quiet. DS did get to choose the venue/menu for the rehearsal luncheon, and although we paid for it we were not invited to sample beforehand. I was kind of hoping DH & I could choose the venue/menu since we were supposedly the hosts, but never got the chance. To the guests it appeared that the bride's FOO had arranged it and paid for it. Oh well.

That's pretty sad, Pen.  It wasn't even made clear in a public thank you to you guys or anything?  I just can't even imagine.  My MIL sent out the invitations and made sure to say it was hosted by her, and I was fine with that because it was her deal.  What did the bride's FOO do that made it seem like they hosted?

Often it's what they didn't do... with my son's rehearsal the event was requested by the bride-to-be to be held at her grandparents.. nice suggestion... but yes everyone assumed that held in her families home, their family was more comfortable in the surroundings and lead the party.. so yeah the assumption was made.  My son did thank us as he thanked everyone for being there.  To me it wasn't a big deal.. I knew what we were doing for the kids, and I knew that they appreciated our efforts.. that was really enough in our case

Well Pen :
Just little snippets I keep getting fed , think they are after my money ...lol

We hosted our own rehearsal dinner. We had pizzas (cheap, yes I know, but after everything else we were spending....). It was delivered, paid for via credit card and MIL had to interupt the rehearsal to get DH to sign (it was his business CC which she was authorized to sign for). Any help would have been greatly appreciated on our part.

Did I already say this? THANK GOD IT'S OVER!!! LOL

Quote from: overwhelmed123 on May 24, 2011, 09:08:14 AM
That's pretty sad, Pen.  It wasn't even made clear in a public thank you to you guys or anything?  I just can't even imagine.  My MIL sent out the invitations and made sure to say it was hosted by her, and I was fine with that because it was her deal.  What did the bride's FOO do that made it seem like they hosted?

As Laurie said, some of it was what they didn't do. The luncheon was held at the same venue as next day's wedding. As I said, DS picked the venue but we had no input. I don't know if his FILs suggested it or not. After DH stood and made a little speech welcoming everyone, he spoke graciously about DIL & her FOO, thanked her Ps in advance for the wedding, etc. w/o making a big deal out of our involvement. When DIL's DF got up to speak he didn't mention us or thank us for our contributions or for "hosting" the rehearsal luncheon. We didn't know at the time how they felt about us, but shortly after the wedding we were shunned.

Quote from: Pen on May 24, 2011, 09:45:10 AM

Quote from: overwhelmed123 on May 24, 2011, 09:08:14 AM
That's pretty sad, Pen.  It wasn't even made clear in a public thank you to you guys or anything?  I just can't even imagine.  My MIL sent out the invitations and made sure to say it was hosted by her, and I was fine with that because it was her deal.  What did the bride's FOO do that made it seem like they hosted?

As Laurie said, some of it was what they didn't do. The luncheon was held at the same venue as next day's wedding. As I said, DS picked the venue but we had no input. I don't know if his FILs suggested it or not. After DH stood and made a little speech welcoming everyone, he spoke graciously about DIL & her FOO, thanked her Ps in advance for the wedding, etc. w/o making a big deal out of our involvement. When DIL's DF got up to speak he didn't mention us or thank us for our contributions or for "hosting" the rehearsal luncheon. We didn't know at the time how they felt about us, but shortly after the wedding we were shunned.

:'( >:( :'( >:( Every time I read your story I get sad, then mad, then sad, then mad. I wish I could knock some sense into your DIL.  :'(

ADIL, thanks for your thoughts. I wish you could have the ILs of your dreams! It's so frustrating to read these stories and know that with just a little less self-centeredness and a little more compassion a lot of our DIL/MIL pain and suffering would be greatly diminished.

True that.  :)

Quote from: Pen on May 24, 2011, 09:54:44 AM
ADIL, thanks for your thoughts. I wish you could have the ILs of your dreams! It's so frustrating to read these stories and know that with just a little less self-centeredness and a little more compassion a lot of our DIL/MIL pain and suffering would be greatly diminished.

but all to often those who are being self-centered feel justified and then it's actually supported and validated by others... so those who are being self-centered will not change because they do not feel that they are in the wrong.

As someone great said: True that.   :)

Quote from: Laurie on May 24, 2011, 12:26:15 PM
But all to often those who are being self-centered feel justified and then it's actually supported and validated by others... so those who are being self-centered will not change because they do not feel that they are in the wrong.

Pssst! Are you talking about my SIL? She does have her loyal band of followers lol

Quote from: Pen on May 24, 2011, 09:45:10 AM
As Laurie said, some of it was what they didn't do. The luncheon was held at the same venue as next day's wedding. As I said, DS picked the venue but we had no input. I don't know if his FILs suggested it or not. After DH stood and made a little speech welcoming everyone, he spoke graciously about DIL & her FOO, thanked her Ps in advance for the wedding, etc. w/o making a big deal out of our involvement. When DIL's DF got up to speak he didn't mention us or thank us for our contributions or for "hosting" the rehearsal luncheon. We didn't know at the time how they felt about us, but shortly after the wedding we were shunned.

My gosh, he stood up to speak AT the event you were hosting and didn't bother to mention one brief "thank you?"  That man must have some cajones.  Am I allowed to say that?  I don't know a good word for...cajones.

As this wedding of my Ds draws closer , I am beginning to get the wrong vibes coming through .
Money is a huge issue now . Perhaps F/DIL has gone a bit too far with her dream wedding , I wish my DS
had put his big foot down at the beginning , too late now , bills are spiralling out of control I think .
Now I know the reason for my DS sad face .
thought weddings were supposed to be a happy event ??

 :-[ Money troubles can turn the happiest event into a nightmare.  :-[

Quote from: lancaster lady on May 25, 2011, 12:50:56 AM
As this wedding of my Ds draws closer , I am beginning to get the wrong vibes coming through .
Money is a huge issue now . Perhaps F/DIL has gone a bit too far with her dream wedding , I wish my DS
had put his big foot down at the beginning , too late now , bills are spiralling out of control I think .
Now I know the reason for my DS sad face .
thought weddings were supposed to be a happy event ??

I'm sorry LL.  Yes, it should be but unfortunately, many of them are not just because of money.  It's very sad.  Please LL, just don't let them drag you into it.

thanks Pooh ,
Have tried to give my DS some financial advice , not monetary , hopefully to point him in the right direction .
They know I will gift them some money for the wedding , but I think this goes deeper than that .
Now perhaps they will see the error of their ways , rushing headlong into being parents before being financially
secure .Yes they planned their DD and wondered why f/dil 's parents were not best pleased !!
They had just paid for their DD's education through Uni , to have her graduate and then become a Mom
9 months later . Had it been my DD I would  have been mad too .
I knew where they were heading and kept out , my heart cries for my DS , who has a good job and has provided
solely for his little family successfully until the wedding came along .How can you tell a 33 year old man who is besotted
how to budget carefully .Who had never seen his own wedding venue until 6 months after it was booked .
If you knew you were struggling financially , would you go and order from a fashion house , a dress which
took 5 months to make ?? My heart sank when I heard this , I said nothing !

So we parents who are not allowed any opinions are the same parents who are expected to pick up the pieces.
However , the bride's FOO are paying for the biggest part of the wedding , but somehow I don't think that
covers the dress too .

I am not the kind of person to say I told you so , and had I ventured any kind of advice beforehand would it
have been heeded , probably not . So I kept quiet , rightly or wrongly .
We were fighting different issues at the time .

So here I am worrying once again . They are now talking about moving in with F/DIL's parents temporarily to give
them some leeway to pay off some bills .
I told my DS to explore every avenue before committing to this , for me this would be disastrous , newly married living with
inlaws .All this before the wedding .......oh dear .

I am not portioning any blame either  way, I think they are both equal in this mess .
Not a good start to married life .

No, definately not a good start.  I think you are doing great even though it's hard to watch. 

LL, I agree with Pooh, try not to become entangled in their mess. Those of us at or near retirement age need to be thinking of our security and not helping our adult children out of debt. Even if finances aren't involved the stress can wreck our health at a time when we need to be taking better care of ourselves. I understand your concern. I blame the Royal Wedding, LOL. They say the bridal industry worldwide are rubbing their collective hands with glee.

Thanks Pen :

I hope we will be able to enjoy the wedding on the day . My F/DIL acts as is everything is hunky dory ,
but I knew something was wrong looking at my DS ......we worry from the day they are born , no matter
what their age is !

LL, fake it 'til ya make it! Even if that smile has to be plastered on, do not give your new DIL & her FOO one single reason to dislike you!

You'll be the epitome of charm and grace. And we'll be there with you in spirit (or spirits, as the case may be - some of us WW won't be able to pass up the bubbly.)

Quote from: Pen on May 25, 2011, 08:39:57 AM
LL, fake it 'til ya make it!

That's my motto Pen... we are still talking social events right?

Hi, I just read the last 10 pages about your dd's wedding  planning Laurie, what a joy.


LL:  I appreciate how you are handling yourself re: ds wedding. 
Thats unfortunate that ds and dil will have so much debt due to wedding, etc. that they
have to move in with IL.  far from ideal.  I'll be interested to hear how it unfolds.

Its fun to hear about different weddings.  DH and I got married 10 years ago last week
at the San Francisco Zen Center.  We had about 50 people and then had a little reception
at a Victorian next door to the SF Zen Center.  We ordered Mediterranean food from a local
restaurant , served buffet style and had zen students take care of clean up and catering aspects.
I and  my sister and 2 friends wore kimono jackets, so did dh.  Paul Haller, Zen priest and my
practice leader when I lived there married us. 

Quote from: Tara on May 25, 2011, 11:15:34 AM

DH and I got married 10 years ago last week at the San Francisco Zen Center. 

Tara... I don't think there would be another place on earth as perfect for you as the Zen Center :)

Yes, you've got a point there.

Since then though dh got into a 12 step group and in finding his 'higher power' he went back to the cathoic church
and likes it allot.  We support each other in our spiritual quests. 

I think you might already know that.

Tara, that sounds like a lovely ceremony.  Happy belated anniversary!

Thank you dear Pooh.