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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: 2tired2fight on March 02, 2011, 04:03:48 PM

Title: The Dragons Keep
Post by: 2tired2fight on March 02, 2011, 04:03:48 PM
I'm new here but have been lurking for a while now.  I am a DIL and I think my current problem could use a MIL's and DIL's point of view, which is what makes this site so wonderful. 

I could write a novel here, but I will try to keep it short and the short of it is, there is no love loss between me and my inlaws and I am tired of being my DHs and my inlaw's social secretary.  What I mean by this is, after almost 14 years of being with DH, I am tired of being placed in the middle of the their relationship.  I no longer want to play.  My DH puts no effort in the relationship with his parents and they put even less and I am expected to make up for their lack of effort.   >:(

I have been with my DH for almost 15 years, living together for almost 14 and married for almost 13.  In this time, my DH has never bought a single card, gift or even called the inlaws without my insistence.  On t he other hand, my inlaws never call unless they want something, demand our presence at every single holiday (MIL and FIL are divorced) with only 48 hours notice, never remember DH's birthday and only remember our kid's birthday's because I make DH call and invite them over for a party.

Throughout at all this, I have them say I keep DH and our kids away from them, I never give them their messages and basically that I am the evil dragon keeping DH locked up in his lonely tower.  If they only knew (or cared about) the truth.  Example:  Last year on MIL's B-day, I had to remind DH 7 times to call her.  I told him, repeatedly, that his GMIL had called and he never called back.  This last Christmas, I told DH he needed to buy presents for his parents, because I was done.  I figured that if I was going to be seen as the bag guy, I might as well not stress over doing anything for them.  Against my better judgement, I did remind him several times of this.  But then Dec 23 rolls around and guess what, he still had not bought a thing.   >:( I should have just let hm face the music on that one but I went ahead and helped him out.  That will be the last time that happens. 

I, myself, have a huge family, DH has a small one.  I never expect DH to do all this for me or my family.  I would never expect him to remind to buy a present or to call my dad or sisters.  Especially if they treat him they way his parents treat me.  My DH definitely has more free time than I do.  He travels for work and can call, text, email them anytime he wants.  He just doesn't, yet somehow, this is my fault. 

I'm done.  I don't want to play this game anymore.  But the minute I tell DH I am done, he goes nuts.  He panics because I am the  only reason his parents are involved in our kid's lives and I just don't want to do it anymore. 

In fact, I really don't want anything to do with my inlaws.  I know that makes me sound bad, I just don't have the energy anymore.  I will no longer buy gifts, cards, make phones, remind my DH of party invites, sporting events, or anything else.  This will need to be on him.  And I know my inlaws will say I am controlling him, but they already don't like me, so whats the difference. 

My question is, how do I get my inlaws and my DH to take responsibility for their own relationship and to leave me out of it?
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: JaneF on March 02, 2011, 04:31:44 PM
First of all glad you are here and decided to post! I am a MIL, and of course have been a DIL as well! I agree that it is NOT your job to be the social secretary for your husband or the inlaws. He is a grown man and could make the calls to invite his family to kids school programs or sports things. He could also pick up a card and send it for occaisions that require that, same for gifts for his family. I'm sorry you get the blame for things not your fault, doesn't seem fair does it? We cannot control other folks, but we can control our reaction to them. I can't remember who said that on this website, so I do not know who I quoted! I apologize to who ever did say that for not remembering! I think it was a great statement though. The inlaws ought to feel lucky that you are a DIL that has not cut them out of their sons or grandkids lives...some of us have that to deal with. Blessings to you, and I'm sure you will get good support here.
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: Tara on March 02, 2011, 04:42:25 PM
Deas 2 Tired,

no wonder you are tired. 

Its an uncomfortable position to be in to have to be bugging your DH to do what he needs to do.

Seems like it is as much between dh and you as it is your iIL's and yourself  With this big of a change, it might
be useful to sit down with dh (you may have already done this) and talk over the change in a calm way
and not an angry way (if possible)

He may just fall flat on his face initially when learning to take over some of the responsibilities you usually handle.   It will be a learning curve and he may test you to see if you mean what you say.     Your IL's might blame you as in some circles its seen as the "woman's job" to buy the presents, cards, etc.  so you might want to be prepared with a response


Re:  problems with your IL's you will get alot of good advice from the wonderful wise women here.

Welcome!!   Tara
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: willingtohelp on March 02, 2011, 06:35:39 PM
If you keep doing something and neither side seems to be appreciating it, then stop.  I agree with the PP.  You're DH will stumble.  He will try to get you to take it over again.  And your ILs will likely blame you for the lack of contact.  There's nothing you can do about that.  But if you're alreay putting up with complaints and false allegations, what's a few more?  And at least this way you've at least gotten rid of the stress of being social secretary. 
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: Tara on March 02, 2011, 06:52:23 PM
Yes, and maybe DH will appreciate what you do a little more when you stop for awhile.
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: LaurieS on March 02, 2011, 07:10:19 PM
Quote from: 2tired2fight on March 02, 2011, 04:03:48 PM
I'm done.  I don't want to play this game anymore.  But the minute I tell DH I am done, he goes nuts.  He panics because I am the  only reason his parents are involved in our kid's lives and I just don't want to do it anymore. 

In fact, I really don't want anything to do with my inlaws.  I know that makes me sound bad, I just don't have the energy anymore.  I will no longer buy gifts, cards, make phones, remind my DH of party invites, sporting events, or anything else.  This will need to be on him.  And I know my inlaws will say I am controlling him, but they already don't like me, so whats the difference. 

My question is, how do I get my inlaws and my DH to take responsibility for their own relationship and to leave me out of it?

I'm not sure what you are trying to accomplish at this point.... I feel that you made your statement quite clearly that you do not want/need to communicate or interact with your in-laws.  You've decided that you will no longer purchase gifts, cards, etc nor will you play middleman for any of the social activities.. so why does it matter if DH and his parents pick up the slack.. You've stepped back..

The way I see it is, if you declare that you do not and will not having any more to do with the situation, then you need to do just that.. you can't take a giant step back and still feel that you can orchestrate their relationship from afar.

BTW-welcome
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: Mariatobe on March 03, 2011, 01:18:45 AM
Hubby panics because he'll have to pick up the slack.  Either he does it or he doesn't.  Take yourself out of the equation altogether.  Don't mention them at all.  Birthday's roll around, if they're not there, he didn't call.  Same with holidays.  By the way, that works both ways.  You might not hear from them at all.  Or....you may be surprised...and they will call each other on their own.  Start picking up their own slack.  But quit, for a year, and DO NOT mention them.  You've done all you can, the ball is in his court. 

Also, I wouldn't tell him I was stepping back, gives him a reason to respond and get mad, just do it :)
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: Nana on March 03, 2011, 01:56:33 AM
2tired:

Welcome aboard

I am a mil and a daughter in law as well (my mil is almost 90).  I am always bugging my husband to call his mom.  I know that my hubby works all day in three different jobs.  I just tell him to simply call to see how she is doing.  She has been a great mother and deserves at least that.  He things that as long as I call or visit his mother...it is fine.  He feels I am the ambassador or representative of himself.   I dont mind visiting or calling my mil because I do love her and appreciate all she has done for us-- but I am no substitute of my husband.   

Of couse you are tired of trying to keep husband close to his family.  If he doesnt care nor does his family why should you?   As you said, all you have done has made no difference.  Let him deal with it and not worry anymore.  You have already done your homework...if husband didnt learn....let him deal with the consequences. 

You have a big heart indeed. 
Good luck

Love
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: Faithlooksup on March 03, 2011, 05:23:46 AM
Greetings 2Tired and Welcome~~~~~There is no if's and's or but's about this, just as all the others have said---"Just Say No" and mean it....As mentioned just tell Hubby--you are done with that.   Yes, he will test the waters and once he see's you are not backing down on your word~~he will then have to change and pick up the slack......And if he does not--then so be it...Do not feel guilty no matter what.....

Hang in there--you are a very special person.....Faith
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: holliberri on March 03, 2011, 05:37:41 AM
I think you can leave yourself out  of it, and you just have to get used to the fact that they prefer to blame his behavior on you. (I think that's common; it's awfully hard to admit your kid is doing something wrong, so blaming a spouse makes it an easier pill to swallow).

If you leave yourself out, the responsibility will still be his, but it might not be taken. That's not your problem, and that's between him and his parents. What is to come is also between them, and doesn't have anything to do with you.

It's not easy I know, especially when you're depicted as the person behind all of it. But, if you're not involved at all, you really can't be behind anything. It doesn't matter what they think is actually going on.
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: catchingup on March 03, 2011, 05:39:20 AM
Because you are getting the blame you will tend to go on reminding your husband
Dont!! Dont make ant move towards anything where they are concerned and when someone blames you answer really!!
Just Stop!!!!!
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: Scoop on March 03, 2011, 06:18:39 AM
My feelings on this are that you're already "doing the time", so why not "do the crime"?  Step back completely, no more calls (unless you actually WANT to), no more gifts, no more cards.

However, in the interests of fairness, I would calmly tell DH that this is what you're doing.  He may try and call your bluff, he may not.  He will likely try and take it out on you when it explodes in his face.  You can warn him in advance that you will NOT be accepting that baloney from him.

Also, you can expect the IL's (and DH) to ramp things up.  When you make a change, the people around you who are uncomfortable with it, will try and make you change back.  You have to be STRONG.  There is also something called and "extinction burst".  Where just before giving up, people (and dogs) will try one last big push to try and have their way.  If you give in, you will have a LONGER road to travel next time.  So DON'T GIVE IN.

I think the trick is to NOT do it out of bitterness.  Tell DH that your resources are limited, and thus you're cutting back on your emotional outlay to people who don't appreciate it.  But really stress that this is "self preservation" not punishment for him or anyone else.  So that when he complains that it's hard to pick out a present for his M, you can say "See?  It was hard for me too!  And she's not even my Mother!"

Good luck - STAY STRONG.
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: Pooh on March 03, 2011, 06:32:48 AM
Welcome 2tired2fight.  I have been where you are now.  I was married for 21 years to a DH just like yours, with in-laws that were very difficult and unappreciative.  I would be willing to bet (correct me if I am wrong) that DH is like this with everything?  Not just the in-laws.  I would be willing to bet he lets you do everything for everyone?  And then smiles when everyone talks about how wonderful HE is?  I am saying this because I do know how it feels and I use to get so angry and upset because I had to do all of the things you mentioned for his parents.  In the first 10 years, I didn't balk because I just assumed that was how most wives had it.  I figured it was pretty much normal for wives to have to do all that for DH's parents too.  In the next 5 years, I started growing up a little and finally realized it wasn't just his parents.  It was everything.  Any event, charity, sports thing he got involved with, I ended up with the work, he ended up looking really good.  Everything he forgot, I fixed.  Everything he joined, I did the work.  Every mistake he made, I took the flack.  He never sat down with the boys and did homework, spelling words, projects, etc. but you can be darn tooting he would show up for the parent-teacher conference to smile at them and look like an involved parent.  Sound familiar or am I way off base with your situation?

If it sounds similar to my situation, then you may have difficult in-laws, but the true problem is with DH.  It took me 15 years to come to that conclusion and say what you are saying.  "No more".  I stopped doing everything for him.  I let him fall flat on his face with everyone.  I stopped making excuses for his irresponsibility.  I took care of my sons, my job and myself.  Everything he signed up for....he was on his own.  I took a stand for myself.  I figured if I did this, he would learn.  But, if you are going to do this, you have to be prepared for it to go the other way, like mine did.  Instead of him learning and wanting to change over the next 5 years, he went looking for sympathy.  And he found it in another woman that was 15 years younger.  He now had a new audience to say, "Whoa is me.  My wife is horrible and doesn't help me with anything."  And he was right...except he failed to mention the 15 years that I did everything.  Imagine that.  And he never changed his habits, just made himself out to be the victim, to his friends, parents, and her.  So we ended up divorced, and he now has another female that will cater to him.  He didn't learn...he just moved on to someone else that would do everything for him.

It is easy for me to sit here and tell you my advice is that you need to stop doing all this for DH and let him fail, and he will learn.  But that is not always the case.  He will only learn if he wants to.  And only you can decide if your marriage can withstand your decision.
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: LaurieS on March 03, 2011, 06:34:30 AM
Happiness for my in-laws and other family memebers has always meant a lot to me.  I may be the odd one here, but I do keep up with cards and important dates.  I do remind my dh to call his parents, and I also arrange for our social events.  I also remind my husband when one of his kids has a upcoming birthday and always on their actual birthday I remind him again.. and why?  I love my family very much, and I  know that my dh does as well.. dh is a busy busy man and this is one area where I can and do pick up the slack.  DH would be devastated if he were to forget one of his kids birthdays, these are important dates to him even if he has a hard time remembering them.  And yes I even remind him of my birthday, anniversary, etc...not so I may receive a gift but because I know it would hurt him if he were to accidentally miss the event. 

I call my in-laws to check in or just to gab... I know that dh doesn't always have time, and since the conversation almost always is small talk about the weather and upcoming doctor appointments (making note to self.. do not bore children with dr appts)  I might as well use up a portion of my day hearing it, and that will always make more time for me and hubby uninterrupted.

As the woman of the house, the wife, the mother... I have always been in charge of social events.. we discuss it, but to be perfectly honest.. If I took a step back and refused to lend a helping hand, I could have events planned without my knowledge that would require my participation. 

Gifts... In the world of the internet I do not understand what is so hard about purchasing a gift... I see something that I feel mil or fil would like I one click shop.  If I'm out shopping and I see the perfect little something, I purchase it.  Does it really matter if the gift if for your parents or his?  Maybe I'm just one of the lucky ones because I do not see a lot of difference between my parents and my husband's parents when it comes to love and respect.  I took the "in-law" out of our lives from the beginning...we have no his brother, her sister, my kids etc.. about the only true separation I maintain is.. it's MY car and HIS truck :)
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: Pooh on March 03, 2011, 06:41:52 AM
Laurie, I agree with you.  I remind my current DH about important things too and it doesn't bother me.  But, that's because he is an all-around responsible person with memory gaps!  But if you have difficult in-laws that take it out on you if he doesn't call or misses something, it makes it hard.  I don't have that now, but I did the first time and it is very hard.  It doesn't bother me at all to do things for my current DH, because he shows me appreciation and is a very loving person and I like my MIL now, and she shows love and appreciation.  So it's not a chore now, it's a "I want too."

But I can sympathize with women that don't have it that way and it turns out to be another chore for them.
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: LaurieS on March 03, 2011, 06:56:38 AM
Oh I understand the difference, but I'm willing to jump on the bandwagon of .. it's his parents, let him deal with them... each family is quite different.. What I do not understand from the OP is this statement
QuoteMy question is, how do I get my inlaws and my DH to take responsibility for their own relationship and to leave me out of it?

Why does it matter if her dh and his parents have a relationship.. I thought her intention was to remove herself.  I think she probably drove herself into this state of exhaustion by doing things like forcing her dh to call his parents to invite them to a party so in turn they would remember the grandkids birthday, and thus eventually acknowledging the event... whew.. made me tired.  This type of thinking turns into manipulation.  Simple fact, you can't make your in-laws care if they choose not to, you can stop lending that type of help to dh but I think you do need to ask yourself.. are you helping or enabling poor behaviors?
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: Pooh on March 03, 2011, 07:10:02 AM
I think you just summed it up very well.  There is a big difference in helping because you want to, and enabling someone.  I learned the hard way.
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: LaurieS on March 03, 2011, 07:18:38 AM
Hey Pooh... I love puppies too
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: Pooh on March 03, 2011, 07:29:04 AM
Hee hee...that was my sarcasm over the other day
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 03, 2011, 07:33:18 AM
I guess I am lucky (or lazy lol) on this one because I don't remind DH to make plans with his famly. MIL is more than willing to call us (77 times in one month! lol). As far as gifts for the IL's, I usually ask DH if there is something in particular he wants to get so and so. when he says, "not really," they get a gift card. :-) lol I do try to think of something for the women (MIL/SIL), but since all my gifts for SIL have been a bust, she isn't worth my mental energy. She'd probably prefer a gift card anyway. :-)

Although, MIL is probably going to get a pasta pot for Mother's Day. It was the coolest gift we got when we got married and my mom is getting one too! lol
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: Mariatobe on March 03, 2011, 07:37:21 AM
Laurie - I don't think the OP was being manipulative at all.  She was trying to bring everyone together and have events with both sides of the family.  Maybe her husband is busy like yours and she's always trying to get her husband to pick up the slack.  She doesn't get along with her IL's, but tried to keep his family involved.  I don't know how you can call that manipulative.  She's just plain tired of it, and tired of her husband for depending on her to keep his family involved, and in turn, is tired of being blamed and probably feels like now she's just nagging and is done with it.  Manipulation would only be if she tried to get people to act a certain way by guilt or crying or trying to get your own way.  She wasn't doing that, just trying to keep her IL's involved in their lives, and she's tired of no reciprocity.

After all the posts I've read on here about problems with cut offs and so forth, she is acting in a commendable way by trying to include her IL's.  It's just gotten too much.
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: LaurieS on March 03, 2011, 07:46:06 AM
I'm not saying that she doesn't have the right to feel one way or another.. my point was what is it that she is really after in the end

And your definition of manipulation could be correct.. so can mine  http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/manipulation (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/manipulation)   skillful or artful management
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 03, 2011, 08:02:17 AM
Just going to throw this out there......

A lot of MIL's (not all  :)) like to complain that when their son gets married they no longer see them or hear from him. These MIL's like to blame the DIL for being some horrible manipulator who has stolen away their baby boy and won't ALLOW him to contact them. Sometimes however, it is just that the DS just doesn't think about it. Not that he is trying to be mean or anything.

So a DIL like 2tired "knows" that MIL's can be like this so she decides that she doesn't want to be that horrible manipulator so she begins by "reminding" DH to keep his family involved in the early stages. This "reminding" inevitably progresses to "Nagging" and eventually to the point she is at now where she is just too tired to continue.

No one is really to blame in all of this. It just stinks that she will suddenly get all the blame when DS doesn't keep in contact with his parents. And, heaven forbid, if anything happens to one of them in this time period, she will most likely get the "Why didn't you remind me to have more contact with them?"... it is a lose-lose. :-(

Maybe it should be "skip the middleman (DH)" and just call them yourself to invite them to parties or wish them a Happy B-day and just hand DH the phone. Takes away the stressful nagging. :-)
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: LaurieS on March 03, 2011, 08:09:34 AM
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on March 03, 2011, 08:02:17 AM
Maybe it should be "skip the middleman (DH)" and just call them yourself to invite them to parties or wish them a Happy B-day and just hand DH the phone. Takes away the stressful nagging. :-)
Absolutely this is the right approach.. you are not twisting yourself into a pretzel in order to achieve a end result that is suitable to everyone.  Now if you really have no desire to speak to, hear from, or ever see his FOO then that might not work :) 
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: Scoop on March 03, 2011, 08:26:53 AM
I think it's insulting to men to assume that they can't manage the simple task of remembering the special days of people who are important to them.  What?  They can't work a calendar?  They can't program the important dates into their computer or their phone, to remind them?  Baloney.  This is pure laziness on his part.  It's like saying that my DH doesn't make ice because he doesn't know the recipe.
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: LaurieS on March 03, 2011, 08:34:36 AM
Scoop.. have you not heard the story of my husband and the house alarm key pad?   Trust me, I'm thankful that he keeps up with the bills... I'll do the social aspect, it's a lot easier to get the final results that work for us.
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 03, 2011, 08:37:01 AM
Scoop, my DH surprises me by remember special dates for us, but he doesn't know his parents b-day's when I ask. And he doesn't know how old his siblings are. It is really quite sad lol

I don't think it is so much that they are lazy, just that they are designed differently. Men usually have a hard time multitasking, so if the big game they are excited about is two days after MIL's b-day, they are probably going to forget.

And, if I took care of all the arrangements for a party, he would probably assume that I invited his family unless I remind him to do so....

Quote from: Laurie on March 03, 2011, 08:34:36 AM
Scoop.. have you not heard the story of my husband and the house alarm key pad?   Trust me, I'm thankful that he keeps up with the bills... I'll do the social aspect, it's a lot easier to get the final results that work for us.

I haven't... sounds interesting.....
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 03, 2011, 08:38:46 AM
My dad always forgot my parents anniversary. The one year he remembered my mom accidentally called the cops on him! lol

He left for work (3:00am) and snuck back in with his gift. Mom didn't know it was him and freaked out! lol
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: holliberri on March 03, 2011, 09:11:22 AM
I don't think men have a hard time multi-tasking. My DH was swigging a beer, feeding DD and and folding laundry in between her bites before he left for his business trip. He remembers my courthouse wedding anniversary, and I don't. I'm always like, 3 days off. 

I think it really depends on the dynamics of your relationship and what the couple has worked out that works for them. I think it depends on both personalities as to who winds up taking care of what. My stepdad plans things like parties and dinners and takes care of invites...mom couldn't be bothered.

I think if a person wants to do it, they find a way to do it.
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: Tara on March 03, 2011, 09:17:41 AM
I'm in agreement with you Holliberry. 

But I think when women are younger they may try it one way and then want to change and what works one year doesn't
work 5 years later for some.

by the way Holliberry, what do you liked to be called:  Holliberry, HB, Holli.  I know various nicknames don't work for everyone.

Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: holliberri on March 03, 2011, 09:27:04 AM
That's probably true, Tara. Both DH and I have had to adjust to our changing expectations...I guess it's growing pains.

I don't know what I like to be called, LOL. I never thought about it. You can call me whatever you like, (just don't call me late for dinner? Is that how that saying goes?).
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: cd1029 on March 03, 2011, 09:32:13 AM
You are tired of doing what you have done.  So stop.

I like the idea of explaining to your husband that you are simply tired and are going to back away for now.

It can be exhausting to do what you don't want to do and no one appreciates it or knows you are doing it ... so why do it.
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: justus on March 03, 2011, 09:39:50 AM
I agree you should just drop the rope here. Make a calendar for him with birthdays, anniversaries, and other pertinent days written on it, then give it to him and tell him it is the only reminder he is going to get from you this year, and  he better man up and take the blame if he forgets and not let anyone blame you. Then bite your tongue bloody all year. Don't even ask if he has done anything, because that is like volunteering to save his behind. If he asks for help, give him a few suggestions, and go WITH him to purchase gifts if he wants you to go, but don't do any of it for him. Suggest he get a gift bag because you are not going to wrap anything for him.

You are not going to be able to change your IL's opinions of you, so don't worry about. Let them think what they will. You have gone above and beyond for them for a long time, now let them see what it would have been like if you had done nothing. You also cannot get them to be more involved than they are. They are who they are and you cannot change that. You might be pleasantly surprised, but I doubt it.

From the beginning of our M, I started doing it all, but then it occurred to me that DH never did anything for my family and he actually knew them. (His family lived on the other side of the country and I had only met them once) I didn't even know his family, so why should I struggle to get them gifts when they barely acknowledged my existence? I didn't even know when their special dates were. So, I dropped the rope and he picked it up occasionally. Truth be told, neither of us are very good at keeping in touch with people. We have to write on our calendar to remind us to call our kids and SD makes us a calendar every year with all the special dates on it.

I think your difficulty here is that you expect to feel guilty for not doing your job. It isn't your job, it is just something you thought you were expected to do, but it was you who expected yourself to do it. Now, everyone expects it of you. Let yourself off of the hook. let go of the control. If you can let go of that, you will be able to let go of the guilt.
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: Pen on March 03, 2011, 09:41:01 AM
They might want to do it but don't know how or feel uncomfortable. If it's awkward it's easy to put it off until the moment has long passed. My DH won't shop for me in Victoria's Secret for the same reason - he might want me to wear the lingerie, but his discomfort keeps him from following through. He also hates to try new vacation spots or restaurants.

Perhaps as wives/moms we need to encourage our DHs so our DSs will have good role models regarding the calendar stuff. Pooh has a great training method for her DH  ;)

Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: lancaster lady on March 03, 2011, 09:51:41 AM
I think a lot depend on the man's occupation !
If he has a stressful job which requires a lot of brainpower ,I'm sure the last thing on his mind would be birthdays , presents etc .
The other angle is that he simply doesn't care about his FOO enough to send cards .
some men aren't a bit sentimental at all ,and think it's all a waste of money ,doesn't mean he doesn't care or love his family .
The thing is if you've had enough ..stop !!
does he remember your birthday ,anniversary etc ?
If he can't be bothered with his FOO ,and they never acknowledge you ,why bother ?
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: 2tired2fight on March 03, 2011, 09:52:44 AM
Thanks everyone for the replies.  I have read everyones replies and I love the different points of view.

I will say that this is more of a DH thing than an inlaw thing.  I am going to admit to my first mistake on this.  Yes, I wanted DH to have a relationship with his parents, I just don't want anything to do with it.  They are both adults and should be able to handle this much.  My DH is also traveling a lot for work and I have a lot going on with my own work and kids, and their social activities.  So I calmly sat DH down and told him I was overwhelmed and gave him a list of stuff I thought he could handle while traveling.  Some bills, some contractor stuff for our house that can be handled by phone or online and he needed to take care of his parents b-days, presents, etc... He was fine, till I got to the last part.  :-\  My DH has no problem remember our anniversary, my or a our kid's B-days, etc... Once He realized I was serious, he had a complete fit, accusing me of not wanting him to see his parents, blah, blah, blah, just because I longer want to be responsible for their relationship. 

The main reason I nag him about inviting his parents to the kid's B-day parties is this, my inlaws make a huge deal out DD1 B-day, showing up with bells and whistles.  Not so much my other two kids.  In fact, if we don't call and remind them, they completely forget about their birthdays.  They play favorites horribly with my kids and yes, my kids notices and it really does hurt them.  No amount of talking this over with the inlaws helps.  They make excuses, twist the facts and just plain lie to make it sound better.  The truth is, they didn't even acknowledge my younger kid's birthday at all last year. 

That was my last straw.  I was done.  They have limited their contact with my younger two on their own, I am choosing to limit their contact with my oldest until they all can be treated equally.  My DH is on his own. 

Oops, while I was posting, I saw Justus's post.  I do have a master calendar of the entire families events sitting on the side of the fridge.  It cannot be missed.  Everything from the kid's scouts, soccer, ball and choir, to every holiday and family b-day, including the inlaws.  Since DH travels, I do another master calendar and add it to our joint email address so he can have access at any time. 
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: holliberri on March 03, 2011, 10:12:36 AM
LL,

What would you say to the woman (married with kids) that has a stressful job that requires a lot of brainpower? Is it okay for the last thing on her mind to be birthdays or presents? Or are women just supposed to do this b/c it's their job or role? I just don't see that possibility as carrying much weight if we were talking about a woman and not a man.

2tired,

I just spoked with a social worker who explained to me that people that can not treat my kids equally (after a fair shot and open dialogue) should probably not be around any of my children. There is no differentiation. I only have one child now, so this doesn't apply to anyone in my family but it was a concern of mine. I don't blame you for limiting contact; we do have to protect our children.
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: lancaster lady on March 03, 2011, 10:26:32 AM
Holli:
I guess that we women care more .... :-\
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 03, 2011, 10:28:59 AM
i don't care more lol! I forget even my own b-day! But, I do fairly good with remembering everyone else's. For once, Facebook is a good thing! lol
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: lancaster lady on March 03, 2011, 10:35:04 AM
I suppose we do make excuses for the men in our family !

I had three children ,ran my own business ,bred cats ,ran a local art club .....and still remembered
birthdays etc ..
So I've no explanation why men forget anniversaries etc !!
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: holliberri on March 03, 2011, 10:42:27 AM
Ah, now that's the answer I like. I think we've been taught to hold women to a different standard.

I was visibly pregnant before I stopped law school. The guy next to me was married to a woman who had the same due date as me. Guess who was consistently pulled aside and told about the "burdens of family/work/life balance"? Not him. Me. They were expecting me to fail; it turns out I didn't like, switched majors and found a full time job just before my due date. I wish they'd come ask me about life balance now. Ha!

I've just been amazed at the different expectations; I catch myself with them as well...I've been raised with them.

I think Pen's right.
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: Pooh on March 03, 2011, 12:19:53 PM
I don't think it's a man or woman thing either, but again boils down to personalities.  But I was totally guilty of taking responsibility for everything and letting my Ex-DH off the hook for years, simply because I was of the mindset then that women do just normally take care of more stuff.  And I did try the nice approach for several years before just finally saying, "No."  I sat down with him and asked if he could start paying the bills to take some stress off of me.  Made him a calendar with due date, when to mail them and how much.  This lasted 3 months before I started getting ugly late notices and threats of turning off electricity.  So I took them back and started doing them again because we needed electricity.  Nothing ever worked with my Ex, because it was just laziness and no desire on his part to help.

So it boils down to the person, not a gender.

Quote from: Pen on March 03, 2011, 09:41:01 AM
Perhaps as wives/moms we need to encourage our DHs so our DSs will have good role models regarding the calendar stuff. Pooh has a great training method for her DH  ;)

Hee hee...works like a charm!
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: justus on March 03, 2011, 12:28:38 PM
Holli, you brought up a great point. I think my ILs expected I would do what DH never did even before I met him because I was the woman. DH is a Professor and gets a lot more time off than I do, so he not only had more time, but more energy.  He just doesn't care to do it.

I think it goes the other way, too. One of our students just gave birth to her 6th child two weeks ago and is back already. I was telling DH how amazing that was. I was back on my feet in two weeks after my second, but only had two children. Six kids, one of them a newborn and picking up her classes like nothing happened. Amazing!! But, I just realized that I haven't gone on and on about the Dad like I have the Mom. He works here full time and is taking classes, too. He hasn't skipped a beat even though he is a very involved Dad. He isn't one of those guys that "babysits" his own kids, he takes care of them as much as the Mom does. Granted, he didn't give birth two weeks ago, but I am sure he is having as many sleepless nights and he has taken over the bulk of the childcare and housecare when he isn't working.
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: holliberri on March 03, 2011, 12:46:02 PM
Justus,

That's amazing what both of those parents are doing. 6 kids, whew! I'm amazed. It definitely goes the other way! Dad's don't get enough credit for the work they put into their family too...it's not recognized. People say that DH goes to work to pay the bills, but they forget that I work, and he is also changing diapers, playing with DD and making sure she's fed. We do butt heads sometimes, but he's wonderful.
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: LaurieS on March 03, 2011, 04:02:02 PM
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on March 03, 2011, 07:33:18 AM
Although, MIL is probably going to get a pasta pot for Mother's Day. It was the coolest gift we got when we got married and my mom is getting one too! lol
Apparently this is the newest and coolest with younger people.. my dd said that her bf will help cook just to get to use the pasta pot... I was looking at one today in Target, made by calphon or however you spell it.. I have to admit... looked like fun
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: AnonymousDIL on March 04, 2011, 05:26:12 AM
Quote from: Laurie on March 03, 2011, 04:02:02 PM
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on March 03, 2011, 07:33:18 AM
Although, MIL is probably going to get a pasta pot for Mother's Day. It was the coolest gift we got when we got married and my mom is getting one too! lol
Apparently this is the newest and coolest with younger people.. my dd said that her bf will help cook just to get to use the pasta pot... I was looking at one today in Target, made by calphon or however you spell it.. I have to admit... looked like fun

TARGET!!! Woohoo!!! Someone else had gotten it for us and I didn't know where they got it. Now I know where to look. Thanks, Laurie!

It really is cool. So much easier than pouring it into a collander that tips over and spills your food into the sink. Plus, it is a really BIG pot so it is good for making soups and stuff too.
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: LaurieS on March 04, 2011, 06:20:47 AM
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on March 04, 2011, 05:26:12 AM
Quote from: Laurie on March 03, 2011, 04:02:02 PM
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on March 03, 2011, 07:33:18 AM
Although, MIL is probably going to get a pasta pot for Mother's Day. It was the coolest gift we got when we got married and my mom is getting one too! lol
Apparently this is the newest and coolest with younger people.. my dd said that her bf will help cook just to get to use the pasta pot... I was looking at one today in Target, made by calphon or however you spell it.. I have to admit... looked like fun

TARGET!!! Woohoo!!! Someone else had gotten it for us and I didn't know where they got it. Now I know where to look. Thanks, Laurie!

It really is cool. So much easier than pouring it into a collander that tips over and spills your food into the sink. Plus, it is a really BIG pot so it is good for making soups and stuff too.

Reply moved to Grab Bag "Neat Gadgets"
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: luise.volta on March 04, 2011, 10:52:09 AM
Lots of great stuff on this thread. (I have been off with my son, Kirk, having fun.)

My take is that what you are describing is a game called...what? Incompetence? Dependency? The two of you have been playing it. You have stepped away from the board. Good for you. Let the chips fall where they may. Sending love...
Title: Re: The Dragons Keep
Post by: spacecase1 on March 08, 2011, 07:40:19 AM
I could have written your post 2tired!!  I am in the same boat, and have been for the 15 years of marriage.  I think what someone else said is true: "I think you can leave yourself out  of it, and you just have to get used to the fact that they prefer to blame his behavior on you. (I think that's common; it's awfully hard to admit your kid is doing something wrong, so blaming a spouse makes it an easier pill to swallow). "

When my DH forgot his Stepmom's birthday, I recieved a venomous email from his stepsister.  The short of it was I was to blame.  He doesn't like his SM but that is NOT my fault.  That is between them.  Also, he has never NEVER purchase jack S*** for my parents, sister or neices.  So, it is quite a case of lazy.  However, he buys for his brother and father- he likes them.  But not for his mother, SF, SM, SIL, neices and nephew, Aunt or GF.  I usually do all of that.  And you know why?  It is easy for him.  And like I said before, he only likes his brother and dad.  Oh, and they call to thank him and I never hear a word, which shows a great lack of manners on all parts.

Unfortunately, I believe societal standards give the impression that the woman in the relationship does not have the luxury of only liking certain people, or she is label PMS or a filthy name.  It's really not true, as a woman, just as a man, has the right to not like someone too, and why should she have to do something because a "role" is defined for her?  Sounds like the barefoot and pg line to me.

And you know what, we are busy too.  I have a 3yr old, work and am doing a PhD, so why is the idea that I have time to shop for your family while I what, eat bonbons and watch soaps??

Women are usually the peacemkers.  So we find ourleves in a position of doing what is needed to keep peace in the family.  But I believe that role can go to anyone and you have the option to quit.