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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: BitterDIL06 on October 28, 2010, 12:41:15 PM

Title: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: BitterDIL06 on October 28, 2010, 12:41:15 PM
Ok so.... I have an issue with my MIL  :) Why else would I  be here?

Here goes.....


I have been married to my husband for almost five years. We have two little boys ages 4 & 2. My husband comes from a divorced family. His dad is remarried and his mother is divorced again. Right after the birth of my first son, we moved closer to my parents because I come from a VERY close knit family and my husband had lost his job. Where my parents lived had a much higher call for his background for employment options. My mother is one of my best friends and was willing to stay home with my son so I could return to work.   His mother hates that fact. She feels that we should have moved closer to her instead of my family. First of all my husband rarely called his mother before I came into the picture, we are talking about maybe a phone call once a month and a vist once every 18 month.  During my entire pregnancy NO ONE in his family called to check on me while he was gone on travel except his stepmother but as soon as my son was born, it was like they were entitled to him. His mother was mad that she was no allowed there for his birth, (Yes my mom was there for the birth and two weeks after), she was upset that she was only able to stay for 5 days (her choice) and then she was upset that my family returned for Thanksgiving that year to help me. The year he was born we spent Xmas with my parents at their house because that was all I wanted from my husband that year. (I had spent the previous Xmas with him and his mother which was the only Xmas I have not spent with my parents since birth!) Well after we moved, she came to visit us (my brother was returning from Iraq the same time and my husband told her no it wouldnt be a good time but she came any ways) and asked if she could stay at my parents house. I thought that was rude but my husband told her my parents house was full. She then came down for my sons 1st first birthday and proceeded to tell EVERYONE at my house that since she was not allowed at his birth, she was at his party. She also got mad that  my son was distant with her (he is shy still!) and was very loving with my parents, who he stays with every day. This is a repetative cycle to this day. She invites herself down to stay with us on their birthdays (not offering to get a hotel room) and then proceeds to tell everyone that I didnt allow her at the births and gets mad that my children interact more with my family and that they dont know her. She even suggested to my husband that we hang an 8x10 of her in their rooms so they can see her every day!    I have told my husband that she should come down other times besides their birthdays and then she would get more one on one time with them but neither him nor her listen to me. She expects me to not invite my parents to their parties, Xmas, Thnxgiving, etc.  This year I decided not to have a big party for my sons bday because both my husband and I work full time and I am in school full time and our weekends are jam packed. We had taken a long weekend and took our sons to Disney instead of a party. She is mad about it ! We chose to exclude her is what she told my husband. No we excluded EVERYONE and had a family vacation (which we needed!)  She even invited herself on our vacation but my husband actually put his foot down with her (for once!) and told her no. So instead of his bday, she asked us when she could come up and my husband gave her 2 weekends that we didnt have school finals and he wasnt working. Well neither of those were conveinent for her and she got mad telling us we were excluding her. She invited herself and her friend for Thnxgiving to stay on my couch, which irritated me to no end. She changed her mind about Thxgiving and set her sights on Xmas. When I said no to Xmas (because I have a new neice and new nephew this year, plus my brother is in the Army and set to deploy in January) she became irate and told my husband that she wasnt welcome here, she was one person and didnt take up much room and we have excuses for any time thats convienent for her. Well my husband and I both work full time, I go to school full time, he goes to school part time, plus his job requires weekend work) so right now we are barely staying afloat this semester. His mother does not understand this though she wants us to drop all of our plans (homework, work, out of town visitors, visits out of town) so she can come visit. I finally cancelled my husband's bday present ( suprise weekend away, its been 3.5 years since we have gone away together) so that she could come visit when she doesnt have plans.  I know it sounds like the ramblings of a bitter DIL but I mean her and I do not see eye to eye on my children (I spank) and she doesnt even like her son and I to be romantic and kiss in front of her! (How does she think she got grandkids?) She is a very high maintenance guest (expects to watch whatever she wants on tv, needs to be constantly entertained) and never offers to pay for anything while she is here (which i dont expect her to pay but the offer would be nice!)  And she has told my husband that she wishes he would have married someone more like her! ( I am her polar opposite and PROUD of it ) My list could go on and on and on.
Help me please learn how to deal with her!!!!!     
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: catchingup on October 28, 2010, 01:05:03 PM


I would say with confidence that Mother-in-law problems are always on the sons side.
She is lucky you have made the effort you have and have not rejected her totally as some daughter-in-laws do.
In fact you have not rejected her at all. This is in her own mind because you spend more time with your own mother and family which is quite natural because you feel at home ,accepted and more comfortable with them.

I had a terrible MIL but at least it has given me insight ,what not to do when I am a MIL which i will be pretty soon.

Mothers spend the best part of their lives bringing up children then they have to let go when another woman ( or man)takes over.They feel a loss and react accordingly.
If I was you I would try my best to make her feel loved. Take her out to lunch or do something special for her.
It sounds as if she lives a way from you. Perhaps you can phone her and just ask how she is. Dont give up on the first bad reaction. Phone again,take an interest in what she is doing and if the efford yields no results then at least you have tried. She also needs to know how busy your lives are and why you cant spend as much time with her as she would like.
Also give her the opportunity to talk to your children on the phone.
If this does not change her attitude nothing will.

My problem with my MIL was never really resolved but she was very difficult.
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: LaurieS on October 28, 2010, 01:09:06 PM
Do you really want to 'deal with her' or do you need a sounding board?  Throughout your posting you gave examples and immediately followed with justification an example that I felt stood out was this:

The year he was born we spent Xmas with my parents at their house because that was all I wanted from my husband that year. (I had spent the previous Xmas with him and his mother which was the only Xmas I have not spent with my parents since birth!)

I  have to ask.. who did  your dh share his holidays with if it wasn't his parents and family?

You went on to speak about how inconvenience her visits are etc.  I'm not saying that  you are wrong, please do not misunderstand, but no where did I hear in your post where you really wanted her to be a part of your life at any time. Nor do you have time in your or your FOO's hectic lives to squeeze her in.  She sounds to me like a parent who feels like she's been put on the back burner and feeling restless.  None of us know her financial situation but you seem insulted that she is not getting a hotel room.. could it be that she doesn't have the funds?

I'm not trying to label you as "one of those" DIL's, but I think if you read your own posting with open eyes you'll see that this could be a case of 50/50 responsibility for this path that you both following.  Wishing you well.
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: catchingup on October 28, 2010, 01:33:23 PM

Laurie to a certain extent you are right but will this MIL ever be satisfied.

Reading Bitterdil's post is like reading the other side of the story most MIL's post here.It is always a matter of being rejected by DIL
If she is given more attention will she become more demanding or will she set her boundries. It is a matter of personality.

If and when I gave my MIL my little finger she would take my whole hand.

I think bitterdil should keep on posting and get some good advise from all the wise women here and lets hope we have results,results results.
So welcome Bitterdil we are here for you.
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: miss_priss on October 28, 2010, 01:40:48 PM
QuoteFirst of all my husband rarely called his mother before I came into the picture, we are talking about maybe a phone call once a month and a visit once every 18 month.  During my entire pregnancy NO ONE in his family called to check on me while he was gone on travel except his stepmother but as soon as my son was born, it was like they were entitled to him.

It may very well be a case of 50/50 in reaction...but I have to call attention to the fact that DH and his M didn't have a "tight" relationship BEFORE DIL, so how can that possibly be DIL's fault?  Why the sudden change of heart from the MIL, and pushing herself into their lives once her son is married and has children?  MIL didn't have an interest in them before, what reason does DIL have to trust her now?  I mean, it really sounds like this woman is trying to move in now that she has some sweet little babies to get her hands on!  Why now?  Did she think that grandchildren was her ticket in the door?  Grandparenting is a priviledge, not a right.  And she obviously didn't care enough to maintain a relationship with her son or DIL BEFORE the grandchildren came along...she couldn't even call DIL when she was pregnant.  But now she thinks she has a right to be a grandma?  Come on.   

BDIL06 - Sheesh, what a "lovely" person you have for a MIL.  Her complaints and demands sound SO familiar.  I don't even know where to start dear.  Boundaries maybe?  It sounds like this woman doesn't have a clue what that word means, and sadly there are some women out there who honestly believe there shouldn't be any boundaries between them and their children.  They feel "entitled" to them and feel it's their RIGHT to have a controlling presence their entire lives simply because they are mothers.  It's really true-to-form that she suddenly wanted a quasi-relationship with her son once he reproduced and she had new babies to play with!  JOY!  You've got a real piece of work on your hands. 

I would suggest you pick up the book "Toxic In-Laws" and read it.  Then read it again.  Then have DH read it.  Then have DH read it again.  Then get yourselves to counseling so that you and DH can learn how to set, and clearly communicate, healthy boundaries.  Her lack of concern for a relationship with her son until he had children, and now she's jealous that your FOO loves him as their own...my gosh, she should be thankful that someone gave him the love she obviously didn't care to give him before he had children. 

I'm very sorry you're going through this.  The best advice I can give you is to lower your expectations of her.  She sounds very unreasonable and socially inept, and if you expect her to act differently then you'll just be setting yourself up for disappointment and unnecessary drama.  You can't change her, but you can change how you react to her, and the best way to react is by not giving her the satisfaction of a reaction at all.

Best of luck to you.     
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: free_at_last on October 28, 2010, 02:02:55 PM
Is your husband willing to back you up in setting some boundaries?  It sounds like you are trying to be reasonably accommodating and she continues to be disrespectful....he should be backing you up in not allowing that behavior from her.  If he wasn't close to her before he met you, and hasn't shown any interest in you or in your pregnancy, she has no right to expect that she should get equal access to her grandchildren as compared to your family which you are apparently very close to. 
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: miss_priss on October 28, 2010, 02:21:09 PM
QuoteIs your husband willing to back you up in setting some boundaries?  It sounds like you are trying to be reasonably accommodating and she continues to be disrespectful....he should be backing you up in not allowing that behavior from her.  If he wasn't close to her before he met you, and hasn't shown any interest in you or in your pregnancy, she has no right to expect that she should get equal access to her grandchildren as compared to your family which you are apparently very close to. 

I agree with 99% of this, except for the part about him backing YOU up.  It's HIS mother, HE should be setting the boundaries and YOU should be backing HIM up.  Don't let him put you in the awful position that so many DH's do, where you get to play the bad guy while he sits back all innocent letting you take the blame for everything his mother doesn't like. 
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: LaurieS on October 28, 2010, 03:23:07 PM
Ok 60/40 or 70/30.. whatever the ratio might be, making it right starts when you can accept any part of the problem.  While I agree that this should be a case of her dh accepting responsibility for setting some boundaries with his mother, the dil has the right to decided where she can and can not bend as well. 

I was saying that I can see with the lack of balance in this situation why there would be issues to overcome.  I can only relate to issues I have with my own DIL, it has become obvious that she always needs (and rightfully so) individual quality time with her family, but whenever my son sets up something with us, we are expected to share all of our time with them and with her parents involved as well.
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: LaurieS on October 28, 2010, 03:27:36 PM
Quote from: catchingup on October 28, 2010, 01:33:23 PM

Laurie to a certain extent you are right but will this MIL ever be satisfied.

Reading Bitterdil's post is like reading the other side of the story most MIL's post here.It is always a matter of being rejected by DIL
If she is given more attention will she become more demanding or will she set her boundries. It is a matter of personality.

That is the question Catchingup, but until they try it will remain unknown. 
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: Pen on October 28, 2010, 07:18:39 PM
Just because sons don't call their FOOs as often as daughters do doesn't automatically mean they're not as close to them. I don't think we can use the same criterion for men and women to measure who has more right to spend time with their FOOs.

As a young DIL I prefered my FOO's way of doing things. My then-DH enjoyed being with my family because we shared common interests and there wasn't any childhood baggage for him to deal with. But, he also loved his FOO and I wouldn't have dreamed of coming between them. Then-DH didn't see or speak with his FOO as often as I did with mine because they lived across the country, but he loved them just as much, maybe more; who can say? How does one measure?

I cannot condone MILs who behave horribly, but I finally understand where some of their pain comes from now that the shoe is...you know.

Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: LaurieS on October 28, 2010, 07:38:08 PM
Well stated Pen.
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: barelythere on October 28, 2010, 07:41:50 PM
Quote from: Laurie on October 28, 2010, 07:38:08 PM
Well stated Pen.

Very well stated, Pen.  It hurts to be a Mother In Law.  You can't do anything right. You always are the loser and it hurts deeply.
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: justdontunderstand on October 28, 2010, 10:19:56 PM
Dear Bitter,
I am a MIL but I definitely can understand your hurt and frustration. When you feel you are trying (even if you are making inadvertent mistakes in reading the other person), it is never an easy road. I am glad you could vent some of that frustration here. It really can help just to get it all out.

Needy or self centered people can become, over time, very tiresome.  if they aren't family, we can just walk away. If they are family, it is much more complicated. It sounds to me that you definitely see your MIL as unreasonable in her needs and/or is self centered. It seems that you also are saying she failed to make a strong bond with your DH and you therefore resent her behavior even more because of that simple fact.  "How dare she be so demanding when she didn't meet your DH's needs enough to form a strong bond"  or something along that line.

It seems to me that DH, might take the lead here on what boundaries you both can set. If somehow you can make her feel welcome within those boundaries, then things might get better. My own dear sweet Mom used to say, "You can't be a carpet unless you lie down!".  My suggestion is, if you truly feel she oversteps boundaries and is TOO often thoughtless, then come up with a plan with DH to include her but on terms that work for your family.

Another suggestion is that when she repeats that "I wasn't at the birth story" then say, "You know I think we all know that story and we really need to move on. What we are doing right now is the important thing not ancient history!" Smile when you say it! Hopefully she will get the message that it doesn't help her to keep dwelling on the past. GOOD LUCK!
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: Nana on October 29, 2010, 12:32:16 AM
Dear Bitter dil

I am a mil who did have a lot a problems with dil for some time (not anymore thank God).  But I think that your mil didnt ever give you a reason to want her near; that I understand.  Because she was not close and did not have a concern for you, she never won your affection.  You dh has a good relationship with your family because he feels comfortable with them and they have always been there for you.  You mil wants more time, acknowledgement and love from her gc thus putting herself in a no-win comparison with your family.

She is jealous of your foo's privilidges.....but privilidges are won....not forced upon.  I do feel sorry for your mil because she always gets "No"answers.  But what surprises me is that the most she is rejected, the more she pushes. 

I agree with the advice of trying to show her some bit of affection, calling her once in a while and maybe inviting her by surprise some day to have some time with you (make the sacrifice lol).  But she will understand that it all depends on your time and agenda. 


You are not a bad dil.  You do worry about it-- if you didnt you wouldn't  even try to justify yourself.
Set boundaries for her.... she does sound a very possessive person.  Just keep the necessary distance from her.

That is my opinion....
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: free_at_last on October 29, 2010, 06:07:59 AM
Yes, it should be her DH that  communicates the boundaries, but if he's not willing to do that and is willing to at least back her up, that is a start.  In my case it was my fault no matter what....when my husband told them that he made his own decisions, they still didn't believe him.  I would hope that isn't the case in most situations, though.

BitterDIL didn't say that her husband doesn't love his mother, she only said that they didn't speak to or see each other all that much and that MIL didn't take any interest in BDIL or her pregnancy, not even bothering to call and see how she was doing once in a while.  Yet, she suddenly expects "equal time" and access to the babies whenever she wants it, and gets upset when she doesn't get her way.  I don't see the logic in that, at all.  As someone else said....grandparenting is a privilege, not a right.
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: cremebrulee on October 29, 2010, 06:38:58 AM
I don't believe any son stops loving his mother..you can't turn love on or off....however, I do feel that some son's do deem it necessary to back off of they're parents due to conflicts...he wants to keep his wife happy, understandibly so, and hopes that by back off his parents, his parents will learn not to interfer or smother....or whatever the problem is...but if they choose to back off, and then want to discuss the issue again....I really feel, if the inlaws do refuse to understand his plight, and responds negatively and in a angry way...it will not be reconciled....

When son's and DIL's return, they are saying, we want a relationship with you, but some things need to change...and....

it is very difficult for a parent to acknowledge that son desires this, to keep the peace and emotional turmoil out of his life....

Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: Orly on October 29, 2010, 09:28:51 AM
How about doing the split holidays?  If you have Christmas this year with your family because of deploying relatives and new nieces/nephews...why not have Thanksgiving at hers?  Then alternate next year?  Do the two of you  ever make the effort to go see his mother?  Or does she always come down your way?  If both of you can't get away...could one of you do the "take the grandbabies for a visit", if just for a weekend or two ..twice a year?

Is your husband wanting to be actively involved with his mom?  Does he still call her monthly?  Do you send her pictures of the kids, crayon pictures from them and updates on how everyone is doing?  Or is the total involvement only when she shows up standing on your doorstep? 

Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: BitterDIL06 on November 02, 2010, 04:28:24 AM
I try my best not to be one of those DILs but sometimes its really hard not to be.  I dont limit her time here except with our work & school constraints. I dont have tons of vacation time to take off and entertain her and neither does my husband. We both get limited sick leave and with two little ones you know how quickly that goes! The vacation we just took was our first vacation ever since we were married.  My husband does talk to her monthly or when he calls but honestly their relationship over the years(way before I joined the picture) has always been somewhat strained and even he doesnt want her to visit all that often.  We didn't put her on the back burner, she put my DH there and now wants to move him to the front only when she wants it.  Part of my resentment towards her does stem from things that happened before me and believe me I am trying my best to move past it but its so hard to hear her talk about how much time she spent with my DH in one breath and then my DH to say no I was at Grandmas/dads/ Grandpas more than home, or to hear her tell how he was alone while she went to her "socialization" activities. My children come first to me, before my job, husband, friends etc. and I honestly dont understand how she could do all of her activities while her son was at home. And when he got to be teenage years, she had his dad take custody of him because her new husband didnt want him to move with them. I mean I understand that all this happened before me but I do resent her because of it and am not sure how to let it go. I have talked it through with my DH, my mother, my girlfriends and I just cant let go of the nagging feeling that if I let her too close to my babies, she will let them down the way she did their dad. I mean yes she could totally surprise me but I mean she cant give up her "social" activities for  a weekend, so I doubt I will be suprised!

I guess my big questions is to her, how come you cannot put your singles dance on the back burner for the weekends that we don't have exams or he is not working but you expect us to put exams on the back burner ? Honestly yes I tend to get a little nastier towards her when things like that happen because I feel she is being selfish by expecting us to drop everything when it suits her but her never make the sacrifice for us.  I just do not understand it :-(

I do really try because I see what it does to my mom who has two daughter in laws and she gets rebuffed by them occasionally now that they have kids. Atleast my mom has me, my  MIL does not have any other children so I do feel bad for her.

Miss Priss-  Thanks! I ordered the book ! Now if I can just get DH to read it.... That may be harder than pulling teeth!
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: Pooh on November 02, 2010, 06:13:03 AM
Welcome BitterDIL.  I'm so glad you found this forum where you could vent and be heard.  You will find it a good place to get your thoughts down in writing.

It very much sounds like your MIL is very selfish, self-centered and requires a lot of attention.  She doesn't understand that you guys have a life and that she needs to keep your needs in mind as well as her own.  I agree with the other ladies here, that you and DH need to agree to some clear boundaries with her.  Talk to him and find out how often he would like to see her.  Then pick some dates that would accomadate his needs and give them to her.  If she can't make arrangements during those times, then that is her choice.  Inviting herself on your only vacation was very, very wrong!  She has no right to do that and you shouldn't feel the least bit guilty about that. 

No matter what your DH's relationship was during his childhood or teenage years, that is his to deal with.  I know you love him and are angry for him, but the past is the past and if he is still calling her once a month, then he is choosing to have a relationship with her.  You don't have to like it, but you have to honor it.  You don't have to love her or even like her, but you should try to let his past go and can't hold it against her.  He can, you can't.

It sounds like you are making an effort to keep her in your lives, and for that, you should be respected.  Her lack of interest during your pregnancy then expecting to be at the birth, was her fault.  Her constant "reminding" of everyone that she wasn't there shows that she was hurt by it, but that was her own doing and there is nothing you can do to change that.  She is never going to see it any other way but that she wasn't there.

Now I am going to say the part you are not going to like.  I have heard several times on this site from DIL's about their busy schedules.  I raised two sons, 15 months apart, worked full-time, ran them to sports 5 days a week, went to night school for 5 years, had friends, cleaned house, paid bills, did yardwork, went to charitable events, etc. for my entire life, but I still made time for my DH's parents to be included.  If you have time for your family, then you have time for his.  It's about choices and I gave up getting my nails done or my hair done to make time because it was the right thing to do.  Would I have liked to have had more time for myself?  You betcha, but I chose to foster that relationship, even though I could not stand my MIL, because it was his Mother.  I did it for him.  My Mother did it for her DH and her Mother before her.   I think when a woman marries and becomes a Mother, that it is normal for us to become superwomen and juggle everything.  What you choose to juggle is up to you.

From everything you posted, it does seem that you are trying and that says much about your character.  I am truly sorry you are having such a hard time with your MIL and hope that she realizes some day how lucky she is that you are still trying.
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: Sheen on November 02, 2010, 07:45:50 AM
Welcome BitterDIl,
I too am sorry you are having such trouble but I tend to agree with Pooh. Most of us on this site have had to deal with raising our children, work schedules, school schedules and activities etc but you will find that few every actually cut their inlaws out of the picture so completely as seems to be quite common these days. I had four children, worked full time, commuted over an hour a day, and yet when it came to family, whether it was his or mine, we always found time. We did alot of running around when the kids were small to both families during the holidays although we eventually stopped that . Even so both families were always welcome in our home and everyone got their share of the children.  Was it easy?  Absolutely not and there were times when I was ready to pull my hair out but to say to my hub, I don't wish to spend time with your family just did not seem fair to me.   We both had close relationships with our family and I could not in good conscience say my family was any more important then his.

Another thing that you might wish to consider is although your hub states that he was not really close to his mom and lists things he feels she neglected , it is a fact that you are only hearing one side of this story. As many of us can attest to, some of our sons come up with stories of their childhood that we as parents can not even relate to or remember.   It is hard to pass judgement on things when you are only hearing one side of a story and your mil might have an entirely different perspective . Granted it is easier to believe everything that has been said and react on that but sometimes you just need to sort thru everything to find out the truth.

I do hope the problems work themselves out , good luck.
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: BitterDIL06 on November 02, 2010, 12:48:07 PM
See but I am not saying that we are always to busy. Just this semester we asked her not to visit during exam weekends. We did offer three different weekends where we did not have exams but she was busy during those timesThis has been a temporary no visit time just because of school and work. This one semester is the first time we have really set up a real boundary regarding visits! Usually she comes down twice a year (each of their birthdays) and maybe another time.  Thats part of my point, this was a one time thing of being busy, (yes it was a long stretch)and she took it extremely personal. Since none of the weekends that we offered worked for her, we offered for her to come up the day after Xmas (when my brother left) but that wasnt good enough for her to celebrate Xmas. She wants Christmas morning, which is me and my husbands special time with the kids. My parents & sibs are not there, its just me, my dh and our children. I wont even let my family be part of that because that's MY time.  I know that may sound selfish but that is one thing sacred to me. My kids are only going to be little once and my MIL had her Xmas mornings with her son, my parents had theirs with me and now it is my time to have Xmas morning with my kids!

Yes we do see my parents every day while I drop off and pick up my kids but we dont spend our weekends with them or visit really with them because we are busy. I pick my sons up from my mothers house, say hello/ goodbye and we go home. I spend a few hours with them and as soon as they go to sleep, I hit the books. Same thing on the weekends, as soon as they go down for their naps, we hit the books! She doesnt believe us that we have that much work but we do. The only reason my boys spend so much time with my family is because they are here and provide day care for them.
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: Pooh on November 02, 2010, 01:47:14 PM
Then I think you are being very reasonable in your requests and she is just going to have to deal with it.  I also think your Christmas request was very understandable.  I think parents and grandparents forget that you have a family too, of your own.  All you can do is what you have done, set the boundaries and hope that she understands someday.
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: barelythere on November 02, 2010, 02:01:54 PM
Quote from: BitterDIL06 on November 02, 2010, 12:48:07 PM
See but I am not saying that we are always to busy. Just this semester we asked her not to visit during exam weekends. We did offer three different weekends where we did not have exams but she was busy during those timesThis has been a temporary no visit time just because of school and work. This one semester is the first time we have really set up a real boundary regarding visits! Usually she comes down twice a year (each of their birthdays) and maybe another time.  Thats part of my point, this was a one time thing of being busy, (yes it was a long stretch)and she took it extremely personal. Since none of the weekends that we offered worked for her, we offered for her to come up the day after Xmas (when my brother left) but that wasnt good enough for her to celebrate Xmas. She wants Christmas morning, which is me and my husbands special time with the kids. My parents & sibs are not there, its just me, my dh and our children. I wont even let my family be part of that because that's MY time.  I know that may sound selfish but that is one thing sacred to me. My kids are only going to be little once and my MIL had her Xmas mornings with her son, my parents had theirs with me and now it is my time to have Xmas morning with my kids!

Yes we do see my parents every day while I drop off and pick up my kids but we dont spend our weekends with them or visit really with them because we are busy. I pick my sons up from my mothers house, say hello/ goodbye and we go home. I spend a few hours with them and as soon as they go to sleep, I hit the books. Same thing on the weekends, as soon as they go down for their naps, we hit the books! She doesnt believe us that we have that much work but we do. The only reason my boys spend so much time with my family is because they are here and provide day care for them.

Dear Bitter,
Your MIL will have to get over it.  These are the parameters you have set up so she doesn't have a choice.  She might be very sad, depressed, etc. but in reality she will either have to come the Day After Christmas or not see her family at all.  I hope all goes well. 

This is one thing I have a blessing about; my DIL wants us there when the kids get up on Christmas morning. We have Christmas Eve here the night before.  I guess I am blessed.  The other DIL and son we see the day after because they don't live here but when they did live here, it was a battle to see which son and DIL got the first visit from us on Christmas Day. If we went to the other one first, the DIL we visited second was hurt.

Whatever the DIL wants is how it's going to be.  Period.
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: cremebrulee on November 03, 2010, 04:49:57 AM
Dear Bitter
I understand your dilema and it is tragic....MIL feels like you don't want her there, and that isn't true....you do, but now is just not a good time with exams....

Suggestion, give her time to cool down....then call her and invite her there....when she comes, you and hubby sit her down and try and explain to her that it wasn't meant as a personal attack and your very sorry she took it that way...

for the life of me, it's so difficult for me to understand why people take things so personal, or as a personal attack, why are they not able to see, that now is just not a good time period? 

Not that it is anything against them, but they are unable to see beyond themselves and understand, that right now, you are busy....that's all, nothing personal....or is it about anyone dislikeing anyone else...it's simply that you need this time to yourselves for whatever reason...

hugs
Creme
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: stilltryen on November 12, 2010, 03:56:30 PM
New rule:  Christmas morning is our time.  Period.  No IL, no FOO.  Just your little family.  Stick to it - and apply it across the board.

Sometimes parents feel like they made mistakes raising their children and might feel like they're getting a second chance to do better with the grandchildren.  Your MIL might be one of them. 

My DIL is always making rules.  Every time my DS starts a sentence with, "We don't want . . , " that's code for "DIL has a new rule you need to follow."  These have included:  Don't tell anyone she's pregnant, don't buy anything for the baby unless she gives you permission," etc., etc., etc.  Now that the baby is going to be a girl, new rule.  "Don't buy anything pink, she hates that color."  After the last baby shower she was complaining that everybody didn't follow the register.  Yes, God forbid the guests buy what they want, she wants to dictate every little thing.  Gratefully DS and I are very close, and he works close by.  I try to meet him for lunch a couple times a month and keep in touch with him.  And nope, other than asking how she is and how she's feeling, I never bring her up unless he does.  I refuse to get caught in the middle and have her think that I'm complaining about her or talking about her behind her back.  I always tell DS that, of course, we'll follow whatever the latest rule is and I do try.  However, do you know how hard it is to find baby girl clothing that is NOT pink?  Arggghhhh.

Funny thing, she thinks she's all sensible and accomodating and gracious . . . . hahahahaha
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: LaurieS on November 12, 2010, 07:21:13 PM
She'll be in for a rude awakening when the hospital brings to her, her new precious baby girl swaddled in pink
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: Nana on November 13, 2010, 02:17:56 AM
Laurie... thats funny jaja
Stiltryen...not wanting pink clothes for the baby girl.... she is weird....


Love
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: 1Glitterati on November 13, 2010, 07:46:38 AM
Quote from: Laurie on November 12, 2010, 07:21:13 PM
She'll be in for a rude awakening when the hospital brings to her, her new precious baby girl swaddled in pink

Really...every photo I've ever seen of a hospital swaddled baby is that white blanket with the couple of colored stripes on near one end.
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: erma on November 13, 2010, 08:07:41 AM
 :-X
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: erma on November 13, 2010, 08:09:17 AM
oh well, my post went into cyber poof!  :P
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: LaurieS on November 13, 2010, 08:12:46 AM
Stilltryen .. I hear what you are saying, sad part is they are taking all their own fun out of having a baby if they feel that they need to orchestrate life.  Hopefully a lot of this is a coping mechanism and new parent fears.

At least you are very perceptive when you stated, "Every time my DS starts a sentence with, "We don't want . . , " that's code for "DIL has a new rule you need to follow." I probably thought I was setting up a wall of protection with  my first child by setting up my mental rules.  A lot of that went out the window when I realize that if I didn't put the rules in writing and force others to acknowledge them with a blood signature that others couldn't read my mind and well you learn to become a bit more flexible.

I thought it was sadly funny when you mentioned the shower and how invited guest did not all follow the declared gift registry.  I've seen this with young brides as well as soon to be parents, heck my BIL's, DIL (got that?) even had a registry for her son's first birthday.  But never have I seen a invitation that said you are formally invited to purchase only gifts that have been pre-approved. 

I'll bet you're very thankful to have the relationship with your son that you do.. one day everyone will look back and chuckle about the making of the Rule Master.  well maybe not everyone :)
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: LaurieS on November 13, 2010, 08:14:46 AM
Quote from: erma on November 13, 2010, 08:09:17 AM
oh well, my post went into cyber poof!  :P
That's because it was swaddled in pink Erma :)  Hope you are having a good day.
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: Tara on November 13, 2010, 08:53:22 AM
Quote from: Nana on October 29, 2010, 12:32:16 AM
Dear Bitter dil

I am a mil who did have a lot a problems with dil for some time (not anymore thank God).  But I think that your mil didnt ever give you a reason to want her near; that I understand.  Because she was not close and did not have a concern for you, she never won your affection.  You dh has a good relationship with your family because he feels comfortable with them and they have always been there for you.  You mil wants more time, acknowledgement and love from her gc thus putting herself in a no-win comparison with your family.

She is jealous of your foo's privileges.....but privileges are won....not forced upon.  I do feel sorry for your mil because she always gets "No"answers.  But what surprises me is that the most she is rejected, the more she pushes. 

I agree with the advice of trying to show her some bit of affection, calling her once in a while and maybe inviting her by surprise some day to have some time with you (make the sacrifice lol).  But she will understand that it all depends on your time and agenda. 


You are not a bad dil.  You do worry about it-- if you didnt you wouldn't  even try to justify yourself.
Set boundaries for her.... she does sound a very possessive person.  Just keep the necessary distance from her.

That is my opinion....

dear Bitter,

I agree with Nana. 
Also, there is some missing info about why dh and MIL didn't talk have a lot of contact prior to the marriage    Seems like MIL is being held accountable when relationships with MIL and DS are a mutual creation

Also, its interesting that we discuss grand parenting as not being a "privledge"  and having a relationship w/gc having to be 'won' on this board, seems like a new concept in this generation?    Maybe if we removed the word privledge/right  and said a normal expectation we could see where these difficult MIL's are coming from


Re:  the boundaries, wonder if the situation you are dealing with 'on the ground' (you have SO MUCH on your plate) is
communicated to her so she gets it. (you have probably already done this )  then if boundaries are communicated to her in a loving but clear way - even if her feelings are hurt initially  she will be able to reflect on what was said and be able to process the info.

I wish you well.

Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: JaneF on November 13, 2010, 12:19:20 PM
I am a MIL. I do understand boundaries, and once  child marries, their  priority should be his  own family unit. I also have experience of DIL that only wants her family involved in their lives. I have always told my son I don't care if they spend  holidays with her family, I can sacrifice and we can pick a  different day to have "Thanksgiving" or  Christmas. Could be same week, week before, week after...whatever. It's not  about WHAT day you spend together. People have lost the true meanings of these holidays. I  get upset because our side of the family isn't even given "another day", we get nothing. Maybe like I said in another post a half hour to get their loot and away they go! I agree that MIL's need to not be pushy, and demanding of time. Our grown kids have their lives now, they have busy schedules, we need to understand.  I would like an invitation just once though to a school program, I've never been given  opportunity to see GD in one and she is in 6th grade now. DIL's parents and grandparents attended ALL of them, which is lovely...maybe I'm being selfish in thinking I could have been invited to see one or two programs in all these years, but I  don't think so. There are always different situations in every family. It isn't always the fault of  DIL's, but it also isn't always  fault of MIL's either. Saddens me, I am one who wants everyone to be happy, I think sharing and compromise are parts of that golden rule thing we should pay more attention to. My GS's mom just called ( one that was never married to my DS), wanted to know when I wanted to see GS and "adopted GD" for holidays!!!  Inlaws that don't understand study time and finals or exams are a busy time, and were upset because "visit" at that time wasn't a good time for their DS and DIL, should look at it from their angle. Family that has DIL that refuses to allow their inlaws some time also should try compromise. We aren't teaching kids how to be great adults if we don't set the example for them. Wishing us all a chance to have peace in our hearts.
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: LaurieS on November 13, 2010, 02:52:57 PM
I try to accommodate everyones busy schedules, and it is hard.  I too have said repeatedly, it's not the day it's the time together.  My ds called a few minutes ago, I was pleased to tell him that his grandparents from another state will be arriving in time to see him off before his deployment, so that will make for one very large family gathering and not just for him, it's for all of us.. My parents will for the first time in my 32 years of marriage have dinner with my own in-laws.. We have never had all gp and kids in the same room at the same time.. My ds was thrilled with the idea...  And then I asked my DIL if her parents would like to come over as well so they too can say goodbye to ds, and of course have dinner with us.  I'm not selfish concerning time with my kids, but my dh and I need a little time to hug him and give him all the mom and dad warnings.  As long as I feel that my feelings are being respected I'm pretty much game with everything else. 

You're right Jane.. we do have to set the good examples.  I've always been thrilled to know that my ds's in-laws love him as if he's always been a part of their lives.  There is a way to blend two families without one feeling abandoned.  You're not being selfish with your longing to attend gc's events, or to have the opportunity to spend quality time with your son and dil. Have you been able to speak directly to your son about your feelings?  Thinking about you... Laurie 
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: JaneF on November 13, 2010, 05:48:45 PM
Laurie, to be honest I haven't come out and confronted DS about not getting holiday time (another day etc), or school program because I try so hard not to be pushy demanding MIL, I have tried to always be accommodating in hopes they'd throw me a  crumb once in a while! lol Didn't work though. I've told them kindly though how much I have enjoyed going to see another of the other GC's school programs in hopes they'd see that I'm an interested grandma and would accept an invitation to see their childs program, but it didn't work. Some may say that's passive aggressive, but problem is I' ve had to walk on egg shells since DIL has been with DS and if I dare mention anything at all about seeing a program, or am I invited to the birthday party (I have been to 1, she will be 12 in a few months), she'd have made life difficult for DS (his choice to tolerate it, but it IS his wife afterall) or would take away the half hour time I MIGHT get on a holiday once in a while. So I don't dare. DIL is bipolar, judgemental of people though she has done drugs, been caught stealing from family members, gets in arguments on computer with 11 year old kids because of my GD's bad behavior,but she feels she is better than others if they do those same things. You can't reason or compromise with people like that, and I know that. She's nice to your face, and talks about being a "Christian" person , then you find out she is talking horribly behind your back. I refuse though to get into confrontation and let her know I am aware and ask why they keep our side of the family away, simply because it wouldn't do a bit of good. A parent that says it's normal behavior for GD to be on Facebook acting sexy in half undress, having boyfriends that range from 13 to 17 and talk to strange adult men on there and give her cell phone number out when this child is 11 years old is not thinking rationally in my opinion, but that is what my DS and DIL are doing. My concern is for GD's safety. My DS is also bipolar (my ex was diagnosed too 5 yrs ago). This is a hard stuation but I try to think positively because it doesn't help to be negative.
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: stilltryen on November 13, 2010, 07:30:36 PM
Quote from: Laurie on November 13, 2010, 08:12:46 AM
Stilltryen .. I hear what you are saying, sad part is they are taking all their own fun out of having a baby if they feel that they need to orchestrate life.  Hopefully a lot of this is a coping mechanism and new parent fears.

At least you are very perceptive when you stated, "Every time my DS starts a sentence with, "We don't want . . , " that's code for "DIL has a new rule you need to follow." I probably thought I was setting up a wall of protection with  my first child by setting up my mental rules.  A lot of that went out the window when I realize that if I didn't put the rules in writing and force others to acknowledge them with a blood signature that others couldn't read my mind and well you learn to become a bit more flexible.

I thought it was sadly funny when you mentioned the shower and how invited guest did not all follow the declared gift registry.  I've seen this with young brides as well as soon to be parents, heck my BIL's, DIL (got that?) even had a registry for her son's first birthday.  But never have I seen a invitation that said you are formally invited to purchase only gifts that have been pre-approved. 

I'll bet you're very thankful to have the relationship with your son that you do.. one day everyone will look back and chuckle about the making of the Rule Master.  well maybe not everyone :)

Oh, I should clarify - the invitations didn't say anything about "following" the registry.  They only noted where she was registered.  She was the one who was complaining afterwards that she wished everyone would have ONLY bought things off the registry instead of the stuff she did get.  I think it's funny too, because I recall when I was pregnant, I was going to do this, only this, blah, blah, blah with the baby.  Reality will intrude itself in no time and she'll be singing a different tune soon enough.  In fact, at one dinner we had at my house a while back, my sister-in-law, my mom. my sisters, my nephew's wife, and a couple of my married nieces were all sitting around after DS and DIL had left (they had another engagement that same evening they had to be at).  Anyway my sister-in-law is recounting all the rules that DIL had laid down during the evening about the baby - all of a sudden we all looked at each other and burst into laughter.  We're all laughing saying, "Can you imagine what's going to happen the first time that the baby does -------------------?" and we'd burst out laughing.  Then someone else would pop up and say, "Or -- what about when the baby does ------------------?" and we'd laugh even harder. 

Live and learn, eh?
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: LaurieS on November 13, 2010, 08:43:45 PM
Yes we do live and learn... I remember my MIL just lovingly smiling at me as I prepared for my first child... Now I know she was probably thinking that I was going to be in for the ride of my life (which I was).  I used words like "my child will never" only to realize that one day that would change to "wow all three of them did that".  Babies are special, but every  mother eventually finds out that they come with  a mind of their own.
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: LaurieS on November 13, 2010, 09:13:44 PM
Jane you are in hard situation.  I can understand your concerns for your dg and lack of proper parental guidance as she is coming into her teenage years.  I'm assuming that your ds is aware of his daughters internet activities, if by chance he is not I think you would feel guilty if you didn't bring it to his attention.  From what I gathered in your post, it sounds like he is aware and finds her behavior acceptable as well.

Never will I understand why so many parents allow their children to participate in activities that are not age appropriate.  There is no age group that is not capable of falling victim to internet ruses, everyone knows that young children are preyed upon at an incredible rate.

It is obvious why you wish you were included and invited to more functions, but if you were you might witness more then you want to.  If you were to be more involved with their lives there would come a time when you would have to speak up on behalf of your gd's safety and of course there would be consequences.  As you said some people can not be reasoned with.

You sound like a strong woman, I hope someone here can help you shed some light on this and offer sound advice. 
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: stilltryen on November 13, 2010, 09:20:17 PM
Quote from: Laurie on November 13, 2010, 08:43:45 PM
Yes we do live and learn... I remember my MIL just lovingly smiling at me as I prepared for my first child... Now I know she was probably thinking that I was going to be in for the ride of my life (which I was).  I used words like "my child will never" only to realize that one day that would change to "wow all three of them did that".  Babies are special, but every  mother eventually finds out that they come with  a mind of their own.

Haha, not just MIL, but my mom too!  They would just nod their heads and say, "Ummmhmmmm," as I pontificated away.  Too funny!  I tell my son this, "I can't wait until she figures out that she'll be more than happy to use those 'crappy' disposal diapers when she's in a bind and baby has pooped everywhere."  (She's not using disposal diapers, they're awful and she won't put them on HER baby!!!)  My son just laughs and says, "Yep, but she needs to learn that."  DIL was only child, my son had a sibling - and knows a thing or two about babies.  It'll be interesting, that's for sure.
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: LaurieS on November 13, 2010, 09:28:09 PM
I also declared that there would be no disposable diapers.. I don't think I lasted more then a week or two with cloth.. Honestly I thought they only sold cloth diapers now so I had a supply of cleaning rags.  28 years later, I'm still using them.

I was going to make all my sons food fresh.. the only thing that I really stuck to was breast feeding and after a very long while I had to call La Leche League and ask them how to get the human slug off my chest.  Growing and learning is the best part of having those babies.
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: JaneF on November 14, 2010, 06:39:41 AM
Such great advice here! I'm still chuckling about thought of NO DISPOSABLE DIAPERS. I got mental picture of when baby has the "scoots", ends up with poo clear down into socks and shoes, never mind clear up his back (and on all the bedding!)bet she'll wish she had disposable on him at that particular time. lol We start with good intentions, then learn how life REALLY is. A wise MIL just smiles  lets them learn on their own! In response about my oldest GD, yes son is aware of her behaviors and apparently agrees or has to not go against wife for fear Attilla the "Mrs. Hun" going berserk on him. Her mom raised her that way by going against her dads rules behind his back, allowing DIL to spend long alone hours with son at my ex husbands house hmmmmm. Two teens unsupervised for hours, gee, wonder why they ended up expecting my GD while in high school. Duh. My DIL does not work outside the home, my son works full time a physically hard job. On his days off he was taking 5 or 6 loads laundry to grandmas house while toting my infant GD and watching older GD too, because DIL needed a break. lol He also does any cooking, but they mostly eat out EVERY DAY  :o, that's costly (because DIL doesn't cook much). Their house is disgusting,  just filth. I never utter a word though. It's his life. He used to be like his dad, physically and mentally abusive to her, which I DON'T condone, he knows that. NOW the opposite is true, SHE is CHIEF,  she mentally controls him. What a soap opera life. You are right about if I was more involved I'd see more that I might not want to see, but I was thinking I might be able to tell GD about GOOD things in life, give her correct attention, set a better example for her and just let her know about safety, dangers of predators via internet etc. Hope she doesn't repeat mistakes her parents made, have baby as a teen. They are the parents so I have not butted in, sad the GD's will suffer for bad parenting. Yes, I am strong, I've  had hardship, even loss of a son in 1979, but I also have had many blessings!
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: LaurieS on November 14, 2010, 09:59:01 AM
Quote from: JaneF on November 14, 2010, 06:39:41 AM
I might be able to tell GD about GOOD things in life, give her correct attention, set a better example for her and just let her know about safety, dangers of predators via internet etc. Hope she doesn't repeat mistakes her parents made, have baby as a teen. They are the parents so I have not butted in, sad the GD's will suffer for bad parenting.
She has already suffered due to a lackadaisical style of parenting. This pre-teen is not going to listen to you. At this point if her parents decided that they would take their job more seriously, she wouldn't listen to them either. Now you start praying for the child, or possibly fund a extracurricular activity that she could become involved in that might place her in a more positive surrounding.. Off the top of my head.. Karate maybe.
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: JaneF on November 14, 2010, 11:03:08 AM
You might be right about her not listening to me at this point because of her parents lack of supervision, or her being allowed to act badly all this time. And I also agree that she won't listen to her parents now even if they try to set limits and boundaries...but if they were smart they'd at least try! First thing I'd do I'm afraid is rip that cell phone with it's text messaging functions apart piece by piece, then remove her facebook page and myspace and all that and only allow computer use for homework, but I'd sit right there and WATCH hER! lol Her grades are in the toilet, and I'm not surprised. When she is on computer or cell phone at 2 or 3 am????? THEN I'd remove any article of clothing that showed more than an 11 year old needs to be showing, remove her MAKE-UP, and fake nails...and last, the next time she walked with that arrogant swagger or did that "gangsta peace sign crap", or listened to that SHOCKING vulgar music they allow, she'd have so many extra chores to do to keep her occupied her head would spin! I know perfectly well this child is on the way to OH MY GOSH!!! SAD when her great GF is a PASTOR! On DIL's side, not mine.
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: LaurieS on November 14, 2010, 11:28:53 AM
This is sad and very disturbing, but your gd is not alone.. there is a very high percentage of pre-teens being raised this very way.
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: JaneF on November 14, 2010, 12:07:20 PM
Thank you so much for your response. Yes, it is very sad and disturbing! Hard to believe that so many kids are being raised that way, but indeed they are! Sometimes I think maybe these parents need a lobotomy or something. (Sorry, that was not nice), but the ultimate damage to future generations is going to be awful. What a shame. The GD my husband I are raising is nothing like my other GD at all even though they are only 5 months apart in age. This one here still gets tucked in at night by papa, still actually PLAYS like a child should, was on high honor roll this quarter, and we supervise computer access! We are told by bus driver and teachers how polite and well behaved she is. Her Christmas list contains things like clay for art work, paints, a pair of furry boots for winter, and a game having to do with pet care! Kids feel more secure and loved with limitations and boundaries, and a good support system at home I think. But then in all fairness my husband and I are not bipolar either. We can't fix the world I know, but if everyone was kinder to others and did the right thing, it'd help a lot!
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: LaurieS on November 14, 2010, 08:51:00 PM
Jane... it is a fine line we walk as parents.  While you don't want to hold the reigns to tight you sure don't want to let kids run headlong into the night.  I've known of parents who do everything right and still have more issues then one can possibly deal with easily.  Some  kids get so sucked up into the peer groups that they lose themselves before they ever had the chance to know themselves. 

I met a young mother recently who learned of my son's AF adventures.. it was mentioned how polite my son is (like has a choice in the AF) she  asked me how we accomplished this.. I told her that we used the Roosevelt method, and we did try to speak softly and carried a big stick. But you know that  takes effort and effort is something that most parents are not willing to put forth.  It's so much harder to stick to your guns when you've said no, it's harder to make your children responsible for what they've done then to make excuses.  You really have to make an effort to monitor what your kids are doing, who they are interacting with, and some parents are just to darn lazy to try.  These same parents often blame their jobs, daily stress.. any reason will do.. when I've noticed that a lot of the time it's plain laziness.

On a good note... these kids that are allowed to live life with so few rules are usually a tad more street smart.  They are certainly not as naive and are more cynical by nature, which often helps to protect them.  While your  gd is not proving that she is a good student, rest assure that she will not be a push over in life.  Once she can channel  her energy she will be the type of person who has enough gumption to succeed. 

Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: Marilyn on November 20, 2010, 07:07:05 PM
I want to thank you DIL's on here.You all have problems with your MIL............but you at least TRY to work things out.You really want to resolve the issues not just blame.

It has really helped me soooooooo much.I have dealt with probably one of the worse DIL anyone could have.I really really mean that.My situation is hopeless.My DIL does not want to compromise or bend any!!! I have never gotten a Holiday ever,they have been married 12 yrs.I really hate to put it this way,but she is the closest thing to Satan i have ever met.I know that's awful of me,she really has a mental disorder.I have never met anyone so mean spirited.I wonder if something really bad happened to her when she was little.

I get so little time,or communication there isn't even a relationship any more.The constant excuses,lies and head games,and i say that because no matter what i say it's twisted and not even logical.I love and miss my grandchildren,but i dont even have the desire to try any longer.I wonder if this is normal.
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: Pen on November 20, 2010, 07:25:20 PM
MIW, our DILs here at WWU are truly wonderful women, I agree. It's an honor to have their input.

I think your feelings are valid regarding the loss of a valued relationship and the illogical behavior you've dealt with. You've simply reached your limit, or you just plain old got tired of it all. You could look at reaching that point as a blessing, really. Time for you to take care of you.
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: Marilyn on November 20, 2010, 07:50:55 PM
Pen,yes your probably right.......it's a blessing i have reached this point.A new chapter of my life begins.
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: Nana on November 21, 2010, 01:28:39 AM
Mominwaiting:

So sorry that you have one of those dils.  I think that people can be really but really mean when they want to be.  Can she sleep at night?  I wonder. 

Nevertheless, you get to write what comes next.  A new page....forget about her and move on....you lost hope on her and have your reasons.... You do win....you win yourself back....and she does lose a lot even if she does not think so. 

I agree that the dils in this forum are good persons dealing with bad mils.  Even if we are not like their dils, their input is great and help us know exactly what is expected of us.  We should keep ourselves focus on our objective in understanding we will never be our sons/daughters number 1 priority because now they have a new family.   In many cases (including myself) we really tried to be the perfect mils because we wanted so much to be near our children and grandchildren.   

I once spoke to my dil about our relationship (hers and mine) and she told me that if she unvoluntarily disrespected or offended me she wanted me to tell her in that moment  and that she would do just the same.  She said we shouldnt never let resentment take over us for something we did not clear out.   I liked her attitude and there was when things started getting better between us. 

I never take for granted how lucky I was resolving my issues with dil.  But I can tell you that I am always very careful in not crossing boudaries.   Many dils and mils can really change in a positive way if they are good persons.  With bad people you cannot do anything....they dont feel guilt,  remorse or empathy.....just mean stuff.


Hope the best for you...
Title: Re: DIL that has a dilemma
Post by: Barbie on November 21, 2010, 05:31:01 PM
MIW,

I've felt like you many times and feel so guilty for it. I love my DS and want him to be happy. He's so afraid to mention anything about us to DIL. Do you know that he just told me that they'll be here for Thanksgiving, we asked him a month ago so that we could make plans, I don't understand how he can live his life this way, in constant fear, i can't imagine not being able to discuss things with DH openly and so to make his life easier I've wanted to just let him go for good but he does call me everyday even if it's for a few minutes so that tells me he wants to stay in touch.