Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to help me find a really funny joke. I do a charity event every year where we do 3 performances of a show. It is called "Hee Haw" and is modeled after the original show with all the characters and singers dressed as famous country singers, our own band, etc. It's a blast, has been running for 22 years and sells out.
At practice last night, they told me that they had inserted another joke for me and want me to come up with a really good one (everything else is scripted and is the old corny stuff like they did on Hee Haw). So I need a really good joke that will get lots of laughs. ;D It needs to be a clean one, as it's a family oriented show. So help me out ladies!
Is there a theme?
Do you need a question / response 'skit'?
What do you call cows with no legs? Ground beef!
What do you call a cow with one leg shorter than the other? Lean beef!
What do you call a dog with no legs? Nothing, it's not like he can come when you call him!
Where do you find a turtle with no legs? Right where you left him!
Or do you need something short like ....
Aw man, I'm not doing so well, ALL NIGHT last night I dreamt I was a muffler, this morning, I'm EXHAUSTED!
Or do you need a longer joke? Can you do something physical (actions in brackets)?
So one day, a guy decides he needs a pet, but he wants something DIFFERENT. So he goes to the pet store, and asks the guy for something DIFFERENT, a conversation piece, you know, something NONE of his friends would have. The pet store guy says "I have JUST the thing." and comes back with an octopus and a shovel. So the first guy pays and walks out with the octopus and the shovel.
Well, doesn't he drop the octopus on the sidewalk. (Make the motion of one hand splayed on the ground, like the octopus stuck to the pavement, make a sucking sound too.) SO he tries to pick up one arm, and another arm (mime it), but he can't get all eight arms up at once.
One of his friends comes by and they BOTH try picking up one arm and another arm (mime it), but they can't get all eight arms up at once.
So the guy decides to call the pet store. The pet store guy says "Okay, you tried to pick him up, but did you try the shovel?" So the first guy, shoves the shovel under the octopus and tries to pry it off the ground (mime it). Nothin'. It won't budge. So he calls the pet store guy again and the pet store guy agrees to come and see what he can do.
The pet store guy gets there, assesses the situatio, takes hold of the shovel (mime holding it back over your head, as if you're going to WHACK the octopus really hard) and says "ONE!" (pause swing like you're winding up) "TWO!" (again) "THR ..." (say quickly) and the octopus went (cover your head with your arms, make a pfft sound).
But you'll have to practice it a bunch of times to make it your own. There's nothing worse than someone trying to SAY a joke that they've READ. It doesn't always translate.
But if you have a theme, let me know, I've got a TONNE of jokes. In fact, sometimes when I hear a joke, I don't laugh, because I'm memorizing it and thinking of how *I* will tell it.
Funny Scoop! I can't remember jokes for the life of me and screw up the telling, so I got nothing :)
I don't have a joke for you, Pooh, but thought I'd share this funny with you all...
http://memeftw.tumblr.com/post/4163306462
I'm very thankful my dc are grown! ;)
"She's so old that her blood type has been discontinued."
I have another one:
So after a whirlwind tour, the Pope lands in Italy. Of course, there's a limo waiting for him. The Pope sees his chance and TAKES IT. He says to the chauffeur: "I've always, always wanted to drive a limosine. How about you let me drive the limo back to the Vatican?" What can the chauffeur say ... except "Yes, Your Holiness" So the chauffeur gets in the back seat and the Pope gets behind the wheel.
Well, the Pope is having a BLAST and maybe he's got a bit of a lead foot, we'll put it down to the fact that he hasn't actually DRIVEN in years. Doesn't he get pulled over by the Polizia! So the police officer swaggers up to the driver's side window ready to ask for license and registration and does a double take - huh? - then he hightails it back to his patrol car.
He radios in to the station ..."Captain, captain, what do I do? There was a limo driving crazily down the street, with no attention to the rules of the road, and going REALLY fast, so I pulled him over. But ... but ... but... I looked in the driver's window and the POPE was driving ... What do I do? ... I think I just pulled over GOD!"
Ha ha ha...I love those Scoop! No theme. Our scripted ones are mostly one line zingers along the lines of what you posted, but in this spot, they are giving me a longer spot to tell an actual joke. I can semi do actions, but we are standing in front of a microphone, so I'm limited to what I can do and still speak into the mic. We try to stay away from controversial, politics (unless it's ragging the local politicians...they're free game, religion or anything too suggestive.
Keep em' coming.
I found one today I thought was cute....and by the way, I guess I should have told you that my character is the stereotypical, dumb, blonde farm girl. I can get another character to help if I need to. I found this one earlier and giggled.
Me: (Standing there looking forlornly at a box of animal crackers)
Jr : What's wrong Julie?
Me: I'm tired of never getting to eat my animal crackers
Jr : Why can't ya eat em'?
Me: (Pointing at the box) Because it says right here "Do not eat if seal is broken" (Opens the box and shows Jr the inside)
And sure enough.........every time
My wife said she's leaving me because she can't handle my OCD.
"Close the door eleven times on your way out," I said.
I went to an italian restuarant last night and a 30st woman was on the door.
I couldn't get pasta.
Just had curried Pelican at the local Indian Restaurant. It tasted great but the bill was enormous.
Went into the kitchen this morning, the wife was face down on the floor and not breathing. I panicked and didn't know what to do!
Then I remembered that McDonalds do breakfast until 10.30.
My wife rang me on my mobile today and said, "Where the dickens are you?"
I said "Remember that jewellery shop we looked in on Saturday?" "The one that had those earrings you really liked in the window."
"Yes," she said, in a much more cheerful tone.
"Well, I'm in the pub next door."
A bit of British Humour ....don't know how well it travels ..... :)
Ha ha ha ha.....I should have asked for these a long time ago....you guys are a hoot!
Oh, I remembered one! Are "your momma" jokes allowed? ;D
Your momma is so skinny she has to run around in the shower to get wet.
Way to chime in there Pam....ROTFL!
BLONDE Jokes! You want BLONDE jokes?
What do you call a blonde with an IQ of 150?
A golden retriever!
Here's the one I would do if I were you:
I would come out and say: Y'all know, as a blonde, ah'm SICK a' hearing dumb blonde jokes. It makes me crazy. You know, blondes can be doctors, lawyers and rocket scientists. So to prove all y'all wrong, ah went and studied, in fact, ah learned the capital of EVERY state, go ahead and ask me. Any one of 'em, ah know 'em all.
Crowd: Vermont or whatever (don't worry, you don't have to study!)
You: V
Okay, now that I think of it, most of my blonde jokes are pretty crude.
omg that is funny, Scoop. I can see it lol
Oooh that's a good one!
What did the blonde say when she saw the box of Cheerios?
Ooh donut seeds!
A man is in an important business meeting and his cellphone keeps buzzing. Finally, he says "I'm sorry, I have to take this, it's my wife, it must be important."
On the phone, his wife is angry and frustrated, apparently she's working on a puzzle and she just can't get it, none of the pieces fit, ARGH!
So the husband says "Honey, sweetie, what puzzle are you doing?"
Wife: "You know, the one with the rooster."
Husband: "Honey ... Sweetie ... put the cornflakes back in the box."
I actually did the corn flake joke last year!
Ok, thought I would let you in on the verdict, since I have a full blown rehearsal tonight. First, ladies...thanks for your help. Scoop, I gave your "blonde capitals" joke to Nurse Goodbody to use...she loved it!
My friend found this one and I laughed because I substituted the original names for our local Sheriff, Mayor and a County Commissioner (yep, I'll be in trouble again).
The Sheriff, Mayor XXXX and Commissioner XXXXX were traveling to a conference together.
They got lost, it was starting to get dark and they needed to find a place to sleep. They came across a farm and asked the farmer there if they could spend the night. He said, "That's fine, but my guest room is only big enough for two people. One of you will have to sleep in the barn."
The Sheriff said, "I don't mind. I will take the barn."
So they all agreed and went to their rooms. About an hour later, there was a knock at the guest room door and there stood the Sheriff. "There is a chicken in there that won't stop clucking! I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room."
The Mayor got up and said, "I'll sleep in the barn. I'm used to the country noises."
They all agreed and traded places. About an hour later, there was a knock at the guest room door, and there stood the Mayor. "I can't stand the odor from that cow in there anymore. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room."
"Well, I guess that leaves me," said Commissioner XXXXX.
So he went to sleep in the barn. About an hour later, there was a knock at the guest room door, and there stood the chicken and the cow.
Love it!
An Italiona Boy's Confession
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'..
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
So you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew,
And his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
Ha ha ha...that's bad! ;D
What a compliment...bad at 84! I love it! :o 8)
BBBBad to the bone, Luise! ;D
Here's my addition:
http://www.yousaytoo.com/a-woman-was-sitting-at-a-bar-enjoying/390458
Hee Hee!
I have to tell ya'll, I didn't realize how "risky" Minnie Pearl was with her jokes all those years on Hee Haw. I guess because I was a child that I didn't get her jokes. Our Minnie Pearl orders all of the real Minnie Pearls tapes, books and joke books and uses them. Most of them, are pretty scandalous.
We try to keep things very family oriented and clean, but we do get a little borderline at times. Our Minnie tells some of her "risky" ones that have to be approved by our grand leader! Lol. This is my favorite ones she is telling this year:
An elderly lady was sitting in her room in the nursing home when one of the male residents wandered in. She said "Hey Luther, what are you doing?" He replied, "Just out for a walk." She smiled at him and said, "If you take all your clothes off, I can tell you how old you are." He gasps but says, "No you can't." She nods at him, "Really, I can. But you have to remove everything."
So he shrugs and starts disrobing slowly. When he finally has everything off, he stands there waiting. She stares at him, looking him up and down for a minute before smiling, "You're 92."
He looks shocked and says, "Oh my goodness. I am 92. How do you do that?"
She shrugs and smiles, "You told me yesterday."
Luther said would never tell on me! >:(
Who else isn't telling? ;D
Pooh, how was your show? Wasn't it this weekend?
It went wonderful but I am exhausted! I always am. We do 3 shows, Thursday - Friday - Saturday and now I have Hee Haw hangover....
It is always well worth it and is so much fun. Our grand total was $24,317 raised for the Cancer Society! Woo Hoo! Thanks for asking Pen.
Wow Pooh ....well done ..what a good cause .....wish I could have been there..... :)
Wish you could have too LL!
Congratulations!!!! :D