Ok ladies what do you think started your problems with your IL(MIL, DIL, SIL, FIL, SonIL ect)?
When I hit a wall with one of my DILs, "it" (whatever that was) was already in place. I know it wouldn't have made any difference what I said or did. I was already the "enemy" and needed to be disposed of. It really didn't have anything to do with me at all. We were polite when we met but she made sure that was seldom. When my son moved on...I was so grateful. Mostly for him, not me. I had a life...he didn't.
SassyDI, DH & I were blindsided, truly. We helped DIL through some legal issues, paid for our share (?) of the lavish wedding she planned, welcomed her into our family, etc. We thought all was well. Suddenly DIL announced to DS that she hated us, that it wasn't anything we did or said, it was who we were. We were shunned by DIL & her FOO until DS stood up for us.
So to answer your question, I don't know.
DH did counseling for a while to work out his problems with his father. It didn't work. When FIL came he was asked what started this for him. His answer on what made him not like me was Laundry. When we were dating I moved into DH house(Dumb dumb dumb dumb move on our part) that he owned with his father and helped DH out a lot with the stuff FIL was to do.(Long story but DH has always had a family member as a caregiver) No problem it was my way of helping. I worked in a resturant 3 days in a row two doubles and a single shift. I had one workout fit why now I have no clue mostly not wanting to buy more then one work outfitt. I would try to get more clothes but there wasn't always enough and so I would wash my pants and shirt (Seperate as it was jeans and a while dress shirt). FIL complained about this and DH told me not to listen to him and do what I was doing. (He owned half the house). He said by not listening I was disrespectful. Mainly I think it had more to do with money and the house that he and DH owned. He couldn't afford it on his own and DH and I could at the time. We no longer live in the house now.
More background: I have had six DILs. Two hated me before they met me and four thought I was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Now, I only have Sandy because my eldest son died at age 52 of a sleep-apnea induced stroke. Sandy would take a bullet for me in a New York second...and I would do the same for her. She, like the other three that were wonderful to me, loved me before she met me. None of them ever changed their minds. The two that hated me never let go of it either.
Kirk's ex-wife before Sandy, Sonja, is my closest friend and always will be. She is also very close to Kirk and Sandy, as is her husband, Bill. My deceased son's "ex" and I are also close and when we have a family picnic, they all show up with my ex husband and his wife.
I'm serious. ;D ;D ;D
That is sweet, Luise! I think, hope we are on our way there with my DD's father and his wife. His wife and I get on pretty well, she's actually asked me to lunch with just her and her mom lol. It was pretty nice and I admire her.
SassyDI, looking back I see several red flags. The first being before I even met her when she kept grilling DH about me and giving him a list of intrusive questions to ask me lol
There were a lot of little things, like the time she told me I could talk to her whenever I want b/c she goes to therapy a lot and knows how to "do that stuff"
But the turning point was when she started using my Mothers death as a weapon to hurt me. Telling DH that I don't know family love b/c I don't have a mother, I'm motherless so I couldn't understand what a marriage was about. That was the "Apollo, we got a problem here"
Quote from: pam1 on May 16, 2011, 07:31:02 PM
But the turning point was when she started using my Mothers death as a weapon to hurt me. Telling DH that I don't know family love b/c I don't have a mother, I'm motherless so I couldn't understand what a marriage was about. That was the "Apollo, we got a problem here"
Are you sure this was how she intended to sound, because that seems rather heartless. We all know that it's easy to hear a different message then what was actually being implied. Sometimes things get jumbled when with the addition of emotions especially strong emotions that you would have felt with the passing of your mother.
As a transplanted Houstonian, I need to correct you the quote is actually "Houston, we've had a problem here"
Quote from: pam1 on May 16, 2011, 07:31:02 PM
That is sweet, Luise! I think, hope we are on our way there with my DD's father and his wife. His wife and I get on pretty well, she's actually asked me to lunch with just her and her mom lol. It was pretty nice and I admire her.
SassyDI, looking back I see several red flags. The first being before I even met her when she kept grilling DH about me and giving him a list of intrusive questions to ask me lol
There were a lot of little things, like the time she told me I could talk to her whenever I want b/c she goes to therapy a lot and knows how to "do that stuff"
But the turning point was when she started using my Mothers death as a weapon to hurt me. Telling DH that I don't know family love b/c I don't have a mother, I'm motherless so I couldn't understand what a marriage was about. That was the "Apollo, we got a problem here"
OMG my FIL's wife when I was dating told me that I was causing all FIL's health problems. And if anything every happen to him it would be all my fault. She denys she ever said it.
lol thanks for the correction! I'm telling you these prescriptions are doing a number on me.
Yes, she really did mean it that way. She said it multiple times to multiple people in multiple conversations -- all where people tried shushing her or changing the subject. She was apparently very angry at me that I wasn't up to spending the night at her house in anticipation for their annual Memorial Day cookout and I wanted to go to my mothers grave instead.
Remember this is also the lady who claimed I made up a miscarriage b/c I didn't want to spend Xmas with her. After already spending 2 days of Xmas with her. Xmas Eve and Xmas Day, her third day I couldn't do b/c I was miscarrying. Instead of offering condolences she was threatening to pick up DH and DD from my doctors office to go celebrate with "family, where they should be."
And after getting back together with her and trying to work things out, talking to her and inviting her to go to the gym with me -- she has the nerve to say she doesn't remember any of that at Xmas at all this past year lol. She doesn't remember a miscarriage, she doesn't remember seeing us on Xmas Eve and Xmas day.
You'd think she was starting some kind of mental slide but nope, she's all there lol but that's how she gets around confronting her own bad behavior. I'm mostly over it but it doesn't mean I don't realize how she is.
Quote from: SassyDI on May 16, 2011, 08:17:24 PM
Quote from: pam1 on May 16, 2011, 07:31:02 PM
That is sweet, Luise! I think, hope we are on our way there with my DD's father and his wife. His wife and I get on pretty well, she's actually asked me to lunch with just her and her mom lol. It was pretty nice and I admire her.
SassyDI, looking back I see several red flags. The first being before I even met her when she kept grilling DH about me and giving him a list of intrusive questions to ask me lol
There were a lot of little things, like the time she told me I could talk to her whenever I want b/c she goes to therapy a lot and knows how to "do that stuff"
But the turning point was when she started using my Mothers death as a weapon to hurt me. Telling DH that I don't know family love b/c I don't have a mother, I'm motherless so I couldn't understand what a marriage was about. That was the "Apollo, we got a problem here"
OMG my FIL's wife when I was dating told me that I was causing all FIL's health problems. And if anything every happen to him it would be all my fault. She denys she ever said it.
Wow, that was heartless of her. I was just posting almost the same thing, the denial of ever saying it ;) lol I'm pretty sure she knows she is lying and she knows that everyone else knows she is lying...but it makes it all better just to say it happened differently.
Quote from: pam1 on May 16, 2011, 08:22:17 PM
Quote from: SassyDI on May 16, 2011, 08:17:24 PM
Quote from: pam1 on May 16, 2011, 07:31:02 PM
That is sweet, Luise! I think, hope we are on our way there with my DD's father and his wife. His wife and I get on pretty well, she's actually asked me to lunch with just her and her mom lol. It was pretty nice and I admire her.
SassyDI, looking back I see several red flags. The first being before I even met her when she kept grilling DH about me and giving him a list of intrusive questions to ask me lol
There were a lot of little things, like the time she told me I could talk to her whenever I want b/c she goes to therapy a lot and knows how to "do that stuff"
But the turning point was when she started using my Mothers death as a weapon to hurt me. Telling DH that I don't know family love b/c I don't have a mother, I'm motherless so I couldn't understand what a marriage was about. That was the "Apollo, we got a problem here"
OMG my FIL's wife when I was dating told me that I was causing all FIL's health problems. And if anything every happen to him it would be all my fault. She denys she ever said it.
Wow, that was heartless of her. I was just posting almost the same thing, the denial of ever saying it ;) lol I'm pretty sure she knows she is lying and she knows that everyone else knows she is lying...but it makes it all better just to say it happened differently.
Denial is her middle name. When DD was first born she came to visit then when thing back fired in her face. Well her daughter got onto my personal webpage for DD and wrote a message something like "Sorry I wasn't there to welcome you HUGE baby into this world. Hope you lose all your pregnancy weight." there was more but I don't remember. DH called up his dad's wife and she said and I quote(I was listening) "I told her not to be to mean." But after she denied knowing about it claimed her daughter got onher computer without her knowing. I call BS. The site was password protected.
Ours was when they supported the person who defrauded and nearly bankrupted us. As in...they chose the other person over us...even though they knew the other person pretty much ruined us. They even supported the other person legally against us.
Dh has rebuilt his relationship with his dad. His relationship with his mother will never be the same. He will never trust her again.
I will never trust either of them again. At best I now feel indifference toward them. At worst...I have hated them and wished they would die. I think indifference is progress, and more than they deserve. Admittedly...I did it for me...not for them.
They now treat me with kid gloves, and I think are scared of me.
Or they think you're psychotic :) Either way, they have taken the giant step back that you demanded.. some people would not be so willing.
Quote from: Laurie on May 16, 2011, 08:31:18 PM
Or they think you're psychotic :) Either way, they have taken the giant step back that you demanded.. some people would not be so willing.
No...they haven't taken a step back. They have done as they have always done, which is whatever they want.
I didn't let them see the kids for almost two years. Yeah, I'll own that. I'm not ashamed of it. I should trust my children with people who would do such a thing to us?
They do see the children now...but they do not see the children as much as my parents do. That's because I take my children to see my parents. Dh is responsible for taking the kids to his parents. If they see the kids less than my parents...that's not on me. They should be happy for what they get from their son and leave me out of the equation all together.
They basically are with us twice a year as a family---Christmas afternoon and a dinner for dh's birthday. That's all I'm willing to do, and those are the only times I will welcome them into my home.
What do your kids think of all this? I really do want to know, do you see the grandkids being negatively affected by this hateful relationship? I'm not trying to to snide.. I think it's a question that a lot of people would be interested in hearing the answer to since there are many volatile relationships here on wwu.
Quote from: Laurie on May 16, 2011, 08:57:15 PM
What do your kids think of all this? I really do want to know, do you see the grandkids being negatively affected by this hateful relationship? I'm not trying to to snide.. I think it's a question that a lot of people would be interested in hearing the answer to since there are many volatile relationships here on wwu.
I don't badmouth the ils in front of them. (In fact...it's a very rare thing that I say anything negative about them at all to my husband.) They have asked my why I don't visit and I HAVE told them the truth. That grandma and grandpa did something that made me very, very angry and that I don't want to be around them anymore. My oldest asked for more details about what made me very angry (this was after the visits resumed) and I told him. Among that truth was that grandma and granddaddy called me a liar and even when they were forced to admit I wasn't that they wouldn't apologize. I told him that I no longer liked or trusted his grandparents and that I probably never would. I also told him that my relationship with his grandparents had nothing to do him. That I would not be angry at him for liking his grandparents. That it was okay to like his grandparents.
I wouldn't classify our relationship as hateful because we no longer have a relationship.
ok, but how do your kids feel was my question.
Quote from: Laurie on May 16, 2011, 09:12:18 PM
ok, but how do your kids feel was my question.
I think they are occasionally, briefly sad that I don't like their grandparents. I don't think that's going to be psychologically harmful. You aren't going to like everyone you meet. It's okay not to like other people. It's just part of life.
I don't see any reason to fake it. I think it would be a bad example to show them and something wrong to teach them.
Do your kids see your in-laws as people that 'they' can trust even if you do not.. or are they standoffish in that manner. I just know that if my kids were younger and I stood up and said for any reason "I don't like Robert Gates" they would almost follow suit (btw.. I love Robert Gates) ... if I told my children that someone isn't trustworthy I think I would have been informing them that they too should view them untrustworthy. Telling your kids that a grandparent called their mom, who they worship and love unconditionally, a liar, would you not in some way be undermining their views and values place on that set of grandparents?
I'm not saying that my approach would be the same or different, as I have not found myself in this type of situation with a family member... I just have a hard time believing that all these negative views and opinions have to have some bearing on our children's views as well.
G,: I so admire your honesty. My grandfather (a minister) tried to sexually molest me when I was 4. I got away from him and told my mother, who, thankfully...believed me. She made sure I was never left alone with him again...but she was a sweet dutiful DIL who never confronted him or told my dad (that I know of.) Appearances were everything...and what I learned from it was that lying was proper and truth-telling wasn't.
I know there are no such issues in your situation...but I also don't think you would be doing yourself or anyone else any favors by appearing to like someone you don't care for. Kid's are smart, they can tell, and they can learn from such role models lessons we don't intend to impart. No one likes everyone. To me that's a great lesson to learn, early on.
Just my 2 cents.
My relationship with my DF & his wife has not been great, but I never wanted to influence my kids against them. Since there wasn't an issue of abuse or litigation between us, I figured I'd shut up and let them build whatever relationship they were going to build. It wasn't until recently that DH finally told DS that my SM had been treating me poorly all this time in answer to DS's query as to why I wasn't more enthusiastic about an impending visit. DS, as an adult, can do with that info as he will.
Quote from: Laurie on May 16, 2011, 09:30:45 PM
Do your kids see your in-laws as people that 'they' can trust even if you do not.. or are they standoffish in that manner. I just know that if my kids were younger and I stood up and said for any reason "I don't like Robert Gates" they would almost follow suit (btw.. I love Robert Gates) ... if I told my children that someone isn't trustworthy I think I would have been informing them that they too should view them untrustworthy. Telling your kids that a grandparent called their mom, who they worship and love unconditionally, a liar, would you not in some way be undermining their views and values place on that set of grandparents?
I'm not saying that my approach would be the same or different, as I have not found myself in this type of situation with a family member... I just have a hard time believing that all these negative views and opinions have to have some bearing on our children's views as well.
They have a relationship with the inlaws. They seem to like their grandparents very much. It's not my responsibility to see that they trust their grandparents, especially when I DON'T think their grandparents are trustworthy. I do not badmouth their grandparents.
As for telling the oldest that I was called a liar...it's the truth. There's nothing wrong with that. There's way more wrong with whitewashing things or pretending they didn't happen. I'm not going to cover their bad behavior...they're going to have to own it. If that influences their relationship with my children...so be it. They should be glad I'm not seeking to bend the children's opinion of them to mine.
I won't put on a fake smile and a fake relationship for DD sake. Sorry it just leads her to think everyone has to get along and they don't. But I also won't fill her head with meanness about them. Will I be honest? Yes but to the degree of how sometimes people just don't get a long. And its got to be age approperiate.
Quote from: SassyDI on May 16, 2011, 08:27:12 PM
Quote from: pam1 on May 16, 2011, 08:22:17 PM
Quote from: SassyDI on May 16, 2011, 08:17:24 PM
Quote from: pam1 on May 16, 2011, 07:31:02 PM
That is sweet, Luise! I think, hope we are on our way there with my DD's father and his wife. His wife and I get on pretty well, she's actually asked me to lunch with just her and her mom lol. It was pretty nice and I admire her.
SassyDI, looking back I see several red flags. The first being before I even met her when she kept grilling DH about me and giving him a list of intrusive questions to ask me lol
There were a lot of little things, like the time she told me I could talk to her whenever I want b/c she goes to therapy a lot and knows how to "do that stuff"
But the turning point was when she started using my Mothers death as a weapon to hurt me. Telling DH that I don't know family love b/c I don't have a mother, I'm motherless so I couldn't understand what a marriage was about. That was the "Apollo, we got a problem here"
OMG my FIL's wife when I was dating told me that I was causing all FIL's health problems. And if anything every happen to him it would be all my fault. She denys she ever said it.
Wow, that was heartless of her. I was just posting almost the same thing, the denial of ever saying it ;) lol I'm pretty sure she knows she is lying and she knows that everyone else knows she is lying...but it makes it all better just to say it happened differently.
Denial is her middle name. When DD was first born she came to visit then when thing back fired in her face. Well her daughter got onto my personal webpage for DD and wrote a message something like "Sorry I wasn't there to welcome you HUGE baby into this world. Hope you lose all your pregnancy weight." there was more but I don't remember. DH called up his dad's wife and she said and I quote(I was listening) "I told her not to be to mean." But after she denied knowing about it claimed her daughter got onher computer without her knowing. I call BS. The site was password protected.
Yuck, that is awful SassyDI! I'm sorry you had to put up with that :(
I admire your backbone too 1Glitterati.
Hmmmmmmmm.... What started it?
I was one of those DIL's who had their MIL on a pedestal in the beginning. I was raised in a Christian family, was home-schooled, and all that. My dad was killed tragically just before my 18th b-day. In college (at 21) I went on my first date with a nice guy. Well, long story short we broke up 19 months later over religious differences and his mother (who didn't like that I wasn't a "good little Catholic girl").
A few months later I met DH. We have the same religious views, he was home-schooled as well. So when I first met MIL at a Sunday night FAMILY dinner. I thought, "This is wonderful! They are just like my family." As the months passed, I found out that I couldn't have been more WRONG!!! These "crazy" people lol are nothing like my family. They pretended that they go to church (they don't). Their educational values, well, just not up to the standard set by my mom. And this "family" dinner, was put on for my sake.
Then the SIL worship began. I slowly realized that everything in the house revolved around SIL and SIL's happiness. And, a lot of stuff as a Christian I just don't approve of. (stuff like a teen-age daughter being allowed to have her BF in her room, on her bed with the door closed. Sorry, But if you are supposed to be a godly family, you wouldn't be allowing this IMO).
Then the wedding. As soon as we were engaged, MIL's controling nature came out. EVERY single thing that I wanted with the wedding she manipulated until it was changed. She invited herself along on our honeymoon and we had to cancel it. I think she wants the "happy little family," but her DS is married now and the time for the family vacations is over. Time for her to move on. He isn't a little boy and I am not her new daughter. I am a Grown Woman who is married to her son.
Then, her affair came to light and the last remaining respect that I have for her completely vanished. I put on a happy face for my DH's behalf because I feel that as his wife I should do that for him, but I will never have a close relationship with her. But maybe we can comeday be "friends" (just not confidants).
It's funny how we all have different trigger points. None of what you posted would have bothered me Adil, I figure most of that stuff is personal anyway and not really my business. People's relationship with their gods and how they want to worship is simply not my place to judge.
The SIL stuff could annoy me but as long as I and those around me were getting respect I'd personally be fine. That's the core issue I have with my in laws, just plain old lack of respect for another human being.
The annoyances about the wedding and us having it near my place (so I could plan it while DH was in Italy...duh) I managed to get past.
The Christmas where DH got sick (like nearly died) and everyone refused to take him to the hospital (I didn't have a car) for fear of "ruining" Christmas was a trigger point.
Our best friends dying in Italy while we were over here vacationing with MIL and her stomping her foot and crying b/c we were thinking of going back to Italy to both offer and receive support was another one. We bagged that because she cried and I have a husband who is still dealing with guilt 4 years later. Her contention was that parents come before best friends. Certainly, most cases, I can agree, but not only did we lose 2 best friend that day, our remaning best friends had children and wives to care for. We needed to be apart of that support system then, not eve because our friends needed it, but because we needed it.
Add tremendous pressure about religion, guilt trips because we live near my family, assumptions about the amount of time spent with my family, crocodile tears, basic insensitivity when we were battling subfertility, phone calls consistently while I'm on a date with DH that last for 30 minutes to an hour, disrespect over my parenting choices for DD, ignoring DD's needs when they are contrary to MIL's wants, and the general impression that has been given to me that she woudd prefer to be the parent to DD instead of a GP to the two incidents above...and here I am today.
ADIL what give you the right to judge their relationship with God. If you were a perfect Christian I don't think you would be judging them.
Quote from: SassyDI on May 17, 2011, 07:21:33 AM
ADIL what give you the right to judge their relationship with God. If you were a perfect Christian I don't think you would be judging them.
I must disagree. We are told that when we view others sinning we are to tell them as much. If they continue in their sin, we are to take another member of the church and confront them again. If they continue, they are to be cut off. I know that I am not perfect, but I do have the right to my own opinions. Religion may not be important to you and some of the other ladies on here, but for me it is a critical part of my being. I could not survive without it. If that means I look at the world and see all the wrong in it, so be it. I also openly admit my own shortcomings and "judging" my MIL as a Sinner for having an affair is NOT one of them.
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on May 17, 2011, 07:36:00 AM
Quote from: SassyDI on May 17, 2011, 07:21:33 AM
ADIL what give you the right to judge their relationship with God. If you were a perfect Christian I don't think you would be judging them.
I must disagree. We are told that when we view others sinning we are to tell them as much. If they continue in their sin, we are to take another member of the church and confront them again. If they continue, they are to be cut off. I know that I am not perfect, but I do have the right to my own opinions. Religion may not be important to you and some of the other ladies on here, but for me it is a critical part of my being. I could not survive without it. If that means I look at the world and see all the wrong in it, so be it. I also openly admit my own shortcomings and "judging" my MIL as a Sinner for having an affair is NOT one of them.
Is this for other believers of the same religion? Or do you do that with everyone? Just curious
I was raised Catholic and we were not taught this at all.
Quote from: pam1 on May 17, 2011, 08:19:09 AM
Is this for other believers of the same religion? Or do you do that with everyone? Just curious
I was raised Catholic and we were not taught this at all.
Other believers of the same religion (which MIL is). I hold people with the same professed beliefs to a much higher standard than others because "they know better"? By that I mean, MIL states that having an affair is wrong, but she is having an affair. If you know that something is wrong you shouldn't be doing it and others (of the same religion) are well within their rights to point this out to you.
On the other hand, the man she is having the affair with is not of the same religion (not religious at all). So he doesn't "know" it's wrong, so I don't hold him to that same standard.
I'd really like to get back to reading about triggers...I think we're at an empasse.
I understand that our beliefs are important when dealing with our individual situations, but they are also personal. Discussing the fine points of a religion can be tricky on a forum like this since many of us are in a fragile emotional state to begin with. Perhaps before we get into a situation that will be difficult to deal with we should get back on track?
Quote from: Pen on May 17, 2011, 08:42:17 AM
I understand that our beliefs are important when dealing with our individual situations, but they are also personal. Discussing the fine points of a religion can be tricky on a forum like this since many of us are in a fragile emotional state to begin with. Perhaps before we get into a situation that will be difficult to deal with we should get back on track?
Yes, Ma'am. ;)
Then quit asking adil :)
You are right Pen.....religious discussions will take us no where. So lets move on....
Love you all
Ok, I'll move it on...Lol. I think my situation became what it is because of timing. My DIL entered my OS's life (as a GF) while he was still in High School. It became a battle between us because of me trying to be a Mother clashed with her personality of wanting to be number one in his life. By the time he graduated and then they got engaged, the battle lines had already been drawn between us and nothing was going to change that.
In my case it started long before I ever came into the picture. DH's biological mother lost custody of him when he was a pre-schooler due to abuse and he became a ward of the state. Another relative did take him in and become his legal guardian but he never had any kind of stability and as he grew up he was passed around to whatever relative needed free labor. Eventually he was adopted by one of them but again it was for the wrong reasons, he was expected to drop everything and do whatever they asked whenever they asked and even as an adult if he didn't do what they asked he would get the silent treatment and be badmouthed to the rest of the family, until they needed him to do something again.
The only good thing I can really say about his childhood is that he turned out to be the hardest working man I have ever met and he knows how to do everything from cooking to cleaning to childcare to fixing anything and building anything. He had a very rough start in life but he is the most wonderful husband and father that I could ever hope for.
Quote from: Pooh on May 17, 2011, 10:29:43 AM
Ok, I'll move it on...Lol. I think my situation became what it is because of timing. My DIL entered my OS's life (as a GF) while he was still in High School. It became a battle between us because of me trying to be a Mother clashed with her personality of wanting to be number one in his life. By the time he graduated and then they got engaged, the battle lines had already been drawn between us and nothing was going to change that.
Pooh,
I had to laugh, b/c I always thought if I met MIL in high school while I was still growing up and had to follow rules (I"m a rule follower), I would have an easier time with all of the above I talked about. I also think I would have been better off because in high school, it seems an impossibility to be #1 in another's life. I mean, my boyfriends often had to hang up the phone b/c it was 10 o' clock or had to skip out on a Friday night b/c their chores weren't done, and I had my own rules to follow at home as well. That seemed totally natural to me. Without trying to add fuel to your fire, I think her expectations were totally unreasonable.
I would venture beyond the meeting while in highschool to while they live at home! My 1st bf was 25 when I met him, he was sooooo controled by his mom it isn't funny.
Met DH when he was 23 (almost) and he still lived at home. Guess who thought (and still thinks) she can control his every move. lol
Sometimes it seems like it would have been so much easier if DH had already been out of the house. The next DIL will luck out (partially because MIL already has me to hate lol) because BIL has already moved out. MIL still tries to control him, but he is handling it magnificiently. I can't wait for him to find a nice girl to settle down with. :-)
Quote from: Holly on May 17, 2011, 12:49:31 PM
Quote from: Pooh on May 17, 2011, 10:29:43 AM
Ok, I'll move it on...Lol. I think my situation became what it is because of timing. My DIL entered my OS's life (as a GF) while he was still in High School. It became a battle between us because of me trying to be a Mother clashed with her personality of wanting to be number one in his life. By the time he graduated and then they got engaged, the battle lines had already been drawn between us and nothing was going to change that.
Pooh,
I had to laugh, b/c I always thought if I met MIL in high school while I was still growing up and had to follow rules (I"m a rule follower), I would have an easier time with all of the above I talked about. I also think I would have been better off because in high school, it seems an impossibility to be #1 in another's life. I mean, my boyfriends often had to hang up the phone b/c it was 10 o' clock or had to skip out on a Friday night b/c their chores weren't done, and I had my own rules to follow at home as well. That seemed totally natural to me. Without trying to add fuel to your fire, I think her expectations were totally unreasonable.
I can see that about you because you are rational! Lol. No, I think it turned out the opposite for us. She didn't like that I could still tell him what to do, like homework before playing, curfews....normal stuff. When I grounded him for a week for something he did, she became very angry because she couldn't talk to him...things like that. She disrepected my house, and when I said things to him like, "You are responsible for your company", she became livid. That carried over into their adult years.
Probably all came to a head when my DH moved 30 minutes away from them.
Oops, I meant to add...because well, 30 minutes is just too far and seeing them every other week or sometimes every week was just not enough!
I'm sorry, I just have to say ADIL, I find it hard to believe a grown adult man would not "know" that having an affair is "wrong."
Quote from: overwhelmed123 on May 17, 2011, 01:18:41 PM
Oops, I meant to add...because well, 30 minutes is just too far and seeing them every other week or sometimes every week was just not enough!
You mean you didn't want to live in the same house with them? *Gasp* You shameless little hussy! (this was ALL sarcasm, hope you got that).
MIL told me when we were house shopping "Well, you WON'T be moving to XXX (my hometown)." Guess where we moved. My hometown lol
LOL! Yeah I was told by my MIL once when my DH was job hunting that I better make sure he did not apply for anything out of state because he "can't move that far away." Not gonna lie, it kinda made me want to move to another state. Then we didn't, but it didn't end up mattering anyway because we still don't see them. Anyway, you would have thought we moved to China, the kind of backlash we got.
Quote from: overwhelmed123 on May 17, 2011, 01:25:01 PM
Anyway, you would have thought we moved to China, the kind of backlash we got.
If you had moved to China you would be dealing with fields of exploding watermelons now... Just FYI lol I read it on Yahoo! LOL
Oh dear....that is just...scary.
Do you think that if people knew what they said makes you want to do the opposite, they would take this into consideration? Reverse Psychology has it's uses.
DD picked up on that awhile ago ::)
back to the triggers :
for those who don't remember my story .....the dratted Facebook !!
I left a comment for my own adult kids , which my F/DIL took personally !
To anybody else meant nothing , but for those with a guilty conscience was a red flag !
I figure anything can be negative if that is the way you want to see it.. FB is not always family friendly :)
No it isn't...I dreaded the day my mom got a facebook. Haha.
Well after that I came out of FB ....but my friends thought I had deleted them ....so I came back by popular demand ! lol
Quote from: overwhelmed123 on May 17, 2011, 02:52:44 PM
No it isn't...I dreaded the day my mom got a facebook. Haha.
I have the most boring fb page on earth.. I'm not even friends with my children :) but Lowe's and I have quite a good time with postings.
When my son and dil were dating, we had a very close relationship. She would come to my house (my son was still living at home) and she was all very smiley...and we would talk a lot. She used to bring home her niece with her (three year old) and I would treat her as my own gc. They even sometimes left the small girl with me babysitting for a couple of hours. I didnt mind, I had no gc at that time. My dil (which was my son's girlfriend) even confided me about problems she had with her Mom. I never gave my opinion, I just let her vent and supported her. But on the wedding day, I had problems with her mom because she was rude to my husband's family. I confronted her about this issue, asking her in a low calm voice why had she done this.....and she just walked away.
From there on.....hell in my life.....dil would hardly look me in the eye, would ignore me when we were in the same place and so on. There was this huge transformation.... things got worse when their first baby was born.....couldnt even hold him, if I did, she would be watching and would look for any excuse to take the baby away. Many things happened at that time and luckily for me, I bursted and said ënough is enough....we had helped them in every way posible....with the wedding, their honeymoon, the hospital bill when baby was born. I was not intrussive, nosey, never visited, never gave advice, didnt know frankly what I have done wrong. So after a very severe depression (one year) I spoke to my son about distancing myself from them because I felt that I wasnt even me anymore and it wasnt a healthy relationship because I was emotionally ill. I may sound drastic...but I really wanted to die....because of dil....go figure! Son and I cried together but he said he understood and respected my decision...but that still he would come to visit with the baby. I told son that he should take care of his relationship with dil, that I would always love him, and knew he would always loved me and nothing could change that.
It was not until I said no more baby-sitting, no more contact with dil either....it was that she did come and spoke to me and was very humble to apologize and now we do have a nice relationship....always with respect.... Now I have three grandchildren from them and they visit a lot and we have the children over to sleep often. We never visit them unless we are invited. We respect her rules...and once in a while we slip...spoiling our gc (just a little lol) and she reprimands us (hubby and me) with a smile. She knows that we loved her kids with all our hearts and I have known that she comments that she is very lucky to have us and her parents close to her children.
Sorry I vented so much....I know ...it was a simple question...how did it started....lol
Love you all
Thanks for your patience for those who read my post.
Nana......you and I have similar stories .....I am a few years behind you ,hope mine turns out as well as yours !
Nana, you have nothing to apologize about. You are always so caring and uplifting to everyone here. You are entitled to vent too! Muah!
Nana, I felt I was coming apart at the seams too when my DIL suddenly turned on us after the wedding. It was so disorienting and bizarre. I turned myself into the amazing pretzel woman trying to please her so I could continue seeing DS but ended up being shunned by her & her FOO. My DH was so worried about me 'cos I cried all the time as well. My health took a dive, my work suffered....for what? Because a teenaged princess didn't like the inconvenience of having to factor ILs into her perfect life?
If that stuff isn't rant-worthy I don't know what is, LOL. Thank goodness my DS stood up to her and her FOO. We're tentatively moving forward. I hope we all continue to progress; stay away from FB, LOL.
Thanks Pooh....I was in a venting spirit this early morning. Must have been 4 or 5 oçlock a.m. when I was posting.....I did not go to bad until after 5. Cant believe it...stayed up all night. Thanks again Pooh....you always make me feel good too. Muah
Pen...So we have a very similar story too Pen.....I was also a wreck at that time....couldnt understand... My husband had another attitude....he was not sad...he was angry at dil.....he ate, slept and functioned well lol. My husband is very outgoing and when she was around he just ignore her too. He did not give her power at all. He just stopped offering to help.
Pen...good that your son stood up for you....feels good.....Of course there will be progress, you have a good son Pen....and that is so good. Of course we have the right to rant--- we are all together in this and at least for me, we are here to support each other and have our ear ready to listen to what others have to say. Love you
Yes Nana, it comes and goes. Do you feel that the sad times are more spread out as time passes? I find that weeks go by in between vent/rant/sad episodes now, whereas before I was lucky to have a peaceful day or two.
I think what hurts the most is feeling that in DIL's eyes because I am DS's mom I have no value other than as the womb that carried him. My years as a hardworking, caring mom count for nothing to DIL. She doesn't see me as a fellow human, a sister in womanhood, or anyone else deserving of acknowledgement. I made a commodity that she values, but I am not valuable; I'm like the guy on the BMW assembly line to her, except that he gets a paycheck for his work, LOL. Once you buy the coveted car you don't give a rip about who put it together, I guess.
When my mom passed away I was in my mid-twenties. I went to visit my GM who lived far away, and was shocked to see her cry. It had never occurred to me that she would miss her own child as much as I missed my mom. We mothers of adult children have feelings! We love our kids forever.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Pen)))))))))))))))))))))))))))), what a sad way for her to view you. This makes me very sad for you. You don't deserve a DIL like this.
Thanks, ADIL, you deserve wonderful ILs too! At least DIL isn't preventing DS from contacting us anymore; she is trying in her way. As I often say, we admire her greatly...just wish she could give us a little acknowledgement.
Quote from: Pen on May 18, 2011, 01:35:13 PM
I think what hurts the most is feeling that in DIL's eyes because I am DS's mom I have no value other than as the womb that carried him. My years as a hardworking, caring mom count for nothing to DIL. .
This is how I feel about FIL's wife and why I don't want her to be Grandma. For me its my mother though blood sweat and tears raised me as did DH's mother. Who went far beyond what most mother's have to do for their ds at the age of 16. My mom should get her own special title and in memory so should the woman who help mold my DH into what he is today. I know they don't understand and most don't but for me its very emotional. And when she tries to compare herself to dh's mom and my mom its like she is acting like what they did counts nothing. Again I said its how I feel.
But what about giving FILW the chance to be loving and caring? Is it her fault that she is the second woman that FIL married and not the "womb" for your DH? You seem to have a complete lack of concern for her feelings. She must feel like a complte outsider and completely unaccepted by her DH's family. I feel for her very much. It hurts to not be accepted by your spouse's family. My MIL/SIL still have contact/a good relationship with DH's EX-GF who cheated on him, but refuse to accept me. They haven't given me a chance. I can relate to FILW very much.
Quote from: SassyDI on May 18, 2011, 08:54:05 PM
And when she tries to compare herself to dh's mom and my mom its like she is acting like what they did counts nothing.
I understand exactly what you are saying here. My DH's biological mother made the comment to me more than once that DH is so successful because "she raised him right". Ummmmm, really? When?? It's irritating, and hearing comments like that from someone who did NOT mother him is a slap in the face to the one person that truly did care for him when he was a child.
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on May 19, 2011, 05:17:22 AM
But what about giving FILW the chance to be loving and caring? Is it her fault that she is the second woman that FIL married and not the "womb" for your DH? You seem to have a complete lack of concern for her feelings. She must feel like a complte outsider and completely unaccepted by her DH's family. I feel for her very much. It hurts to not be accepted by your spouse's family. My MIL/SIL still have contact/a good relationship with DH's EX-GF who cheated on him, but refuse to accept me. They haven't given me a chance. I can relate to FILW very much.
No one is saying she can't love for our daughter.
ADIL, I removed your last comment. There was nothing constructive in it. You do not have to agree with a poster, but writing condescending comments is not productive and in direct conflict to what this forum is about.
Sorry, Pooh. Frustrated here. :-\
You know our motto here, take what you need and leave the rest. We don't have to always agree, but we need to respect the feelings of others.
And you can't change other people only how you react to them. ;)
I'm so glad that I have been able to apply that to my relationship with my MIL. We aren't "buddies" but we get along peacefully. :)
Exactly. Now let's move on.
Quote from: Pooh on May 19, 2011, 06:15:08 AM
We don't have to always agree, but we need to respect the feelings of others.
We have been telling FIL and his wife something simular for years. "You don't have to agree with it, but you do have to respect it at least in following it if nothing else."
I think I get what you are saying in regards to your FIL's wife. I think you are saying that just because she married him, doesn't give her a free pass to the title "Grandma"? I can appreciate that. I think we are all just hung up on titles sometimes, when in reality it's just people treating people with respect. I do have a step-father, but he earned the title "Daddy" because he is the man that as always there for me. It has nothing to do with "blood", it has to do with how we are treated.
But Pooh you gave the person a chance to be who they are and base your relationship on that.... Throwing up roadblocks and dead ends as the first move is not constructive either. Shallow people with small hearts will banish someone to forever be an outsider, because they just don't have the capacity in their hearts and minds to accept.
Sometimes people are just wary after being hurt by someone else. It would be nice if there could be a way to accept the newcomer while honoring the original family members.
I agree. You have to be willing to accept people into your life that are trying.
Issues arise when the newcomer isn't viewed as "trying" or isn't "trying" in the way that the FOO want them to try. Just because the newcomer isn't bending to the FOO's every whim that doesn' mean that they aren't trying.... That goes in any relationship. DB doesn't like DM's BF or my DH. Both of which have TRIED to get him to like them, but nothing is good enough. So instead he is a total jerk to both the guys. :-\
She is excepted as family member even if she is not called Grandma or something to that affect. FIL got to choose who he married we had not say. He doesn't get say in what his new wife is considered to us or DD. As parents we make that choice and we make it alone. I am not shallow or heartless just because I choose to to allow her to be called what she wants.
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on May 19, 2011, 09:21:55 AM
Issues arise when the newcomer isn't viewed as "trying" or isn't "trying" in the way that the FOO want them to try. Just because the newcomer isn't bending to the FOO's every whim that doesn' mean that they aren't trying.... That goes in any relationship. DB doesn't like DM's BF or my DH. Both of which have TRIED to get him to like them, but nothing is good enough. So instead he is a total jerk to both the guys. :-\
So your brother's jealousy gets in the way. This isn't about jealousy ADIL its not the same. This is about a woman who encourges her Daughter to write a mean message on a site my family, DH's family and our friend go onto. This is about a woman who when I was pregnant tried to hurt me by telling me people were saying my baby shower was the worest shower ever. Among a slue of other things. I am not saying I am perfect but I am sorry this woman isn't trying she just wants it her way all the time. Everytime they sit and wait for DH to wear down and then they add something else to it. Its been like this in the past with everything. They do one thing at a time. Because my DH is classic for caving into them if they just wait long enough.
Obviously, these are two different cases.
Sometimes I just wish my DB would see how much DH has tried. And, if he would be willing to "try" a little himself, maybe we could all be one big happy family again. I can't believe how different the family dynamics are now than when my Dad was still around. He would say that "Compromise is essential in every relationship." We was a very wise guy and I really miss him.
The dynamic between my DB/DH is the same as my relationship with DH's sister. I have TRIED so hard to get that girl to get along with me. I've tried to the point that I can't try any more. She obviously doesn't want a relationship with me (or her DB) so I guess it is time to move on.... But maybe someday we will all eat rainbows and poop butterflies and she will come around lol
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on May 19, 2011, 09:58:49 AM
Obviously, these are two different cases.
Sometimes I just wish my DB would see how much DH has tried. And, if he would be willing to "try" a little himself, maybe we could all be one big happy family again. I can't believe how different the family dynamics are now than when my Dad was still around. He would say that "Compromise is essential in every relationship." We was a very wise guy and I really miss him.
The dynamic between my DB/DH is the same as my relationship with DH's sister. I have TRIED so hard to get that girl to get along with me. I've tried to the point that I can't try any more. She obviously doesn't want a relationship with me (or her DB) so I guess it is time to move on.... But maybe someday we will all eat rainbows and poop butterflies and she will come around lol
So in other words your taking out the problems you have on your brother out on me because they are not one in the same. Its easier to lump me like him so you can let out your anger on me because you can't on him.
SassyDI, I was going to say: I think we've left the OP topic "What started it?" behind long ago. If the next few posts don't address the OP I'm locking it up 'cos it's way off track now. Maybe you guys could start an 'extended family dynamic' topic? It would continue to be interesting/helpful if the focus was on learning and progressing, IMO.
But now I'm just locking it.