This is the Elizabeth Kubler-Ross model. Just wanted to share it so maybe someone could identify with it. Experiencing loss (not just death, or it could be the death of something besides the physical body) does have it's stages of traveling through....even if not in order. We're all going through the normal process when suffering from a loss....I know that I can identify with it and realize, I'm cruising right along as I should be. In my case it has to do with the relationship w my DD and who she used to be....I hope it helps someone else to read it.
Stages
The stages, popularly known by the acronym DABDA, include:[2]
1.Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions and individuals that will be left behind after death. Denial can be conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, or the reality of the situation. Denial is a defense mechanism and some people can become locked in this stage.
2.Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Anger can manifest itself in different ways. People can be angry with themselves, or with others, and especially those who are close to them. It is important to remain detached and nonjudgmental when dealing with a person experiencing anger from grief.
3.Bargaining — "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just do something to buy more time..." People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example "Can we still be friends?.." when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it's a matter of life or death.
4.Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die soon so what's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed. Depression could be referred to as the dress rehearsal for the 'aftermath'. It is a kind of acceptance with emotional attachment. It's natural to feel sadness, regret, fear, and uncertainty when going through this stage. Feeling those emotions shows that the person has begun to accept the situation.
5.Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their mortality, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event. This stage varies according to the person's situation. People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people they leave behind, who must pass through their own individual stages of dealing with the grief.
Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to people suffering from terminal illness. She later expanded this theoretical model to apply to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). Such losses may also include significant life events such as the death of a loved one, major rejection, end of a relationship or divorce, drug addiction, incarceration, change in office environment, the onset of a disease or chronic illness, an infertility diagnosis, as well many tragedies and disasters.
As stated before, the Kubler-Ross Model can be used for multiple situations where people are experiencing a significant loss. We explain how the model is applied differently in a few specific situations below. These are just some of the many examples that Kubler-Ross wanted her model to be used for.
[edit] Children grieving in divorce
Denial – Children feel the need to believe that their parents will get back together or they will change their mind about the divorce. Example: "Mom or Dad will change their mind"
Anger – Children feel the need to blame someone for their sadness and loss. Example: "I hate dad for leaving us"
Bargaining - In this stage, children feel as if they have some say in the situation if they bring a bargain to the table. This helps them keep focused on the positive that the situation might change and less focused on the negative, the sadness they'll experience after the divorce. Example: "If I do all of my chores maybe Mom won't leave Dad"
Depression - This involves the child experiencing sadness when they know there is nothing else to be done and they realize they cannot stop the divorce. The parents need to let the child experience this process of grieving because if they do not it will only show their inability to cope with the situation. Example: "I'm sorry that I cannot fix this situation for you."
Acceptance – This does not necessarily mean that the child is completely happy again. The acceptance is just moving past the depression and starting to accept the divorce. The sooner the parents start to move on from the situation the sooner the kids can begin to accept the reality of it. [3]
[edit] Grieving a break-up
Denial – The person getting broken up with is unable to admit that the relationship is really over. They may try to continue to call the person when they want to be left alone.
Anger – When the reality sets in that the relationship is over, it is common to demand to know why they are being broken up with. This phase can make them feel like they are being treated unfairly and it may cause them to become angry at people close to them who want to help aid the situation.
Bargaining – After the anger stage, one will try to plead with their former partner by promising that whatever caused the break up will never happen again. Example: "I can change, please give me a chance".
Depression – Next the person might feel discouraged that their bargaining plea did not convince their former partner to change their mind. This will send the person into the depression stage and can cause a lack of sleep, eating and even disrupt daily life tasks.
Acceptance – Moving on from the situation and person is the last stage. The person accepts that the relationship is over and begins to move forward with their life. The person might not be completely over the situation but they are done going back and forth to the point where they can accept the reality of the situation. [4]
[edit] Grieving in substance abuse
Denial – People feel that they do not have a problem concerning alcohol or substances. Even if they do feel as if they might have a small problem they believe that they have complete control over the situation and can stop drinking or doing drugs whenever they want. Example: "I don't have to drink all of the time. I can stop whenever I want"
Bargaining – This is the stage that drug and alcohol abusers go through when they are trying to convince themselves or someone else that they are going to stop abusing in order to get something out of it or get themselves out of trouble. Example: "God, I promise I'll never use again if you just get me out of trouble."
Anger – The anger stage of abusers relates to how they get upset because they have this disease of addiction or are angry that they can no longer use drugs. Some of these examples include "I don't want to have this addiction anymore." "This isn't fair I'm too young to have this problem."
Depression – Sadness and hopelessness are important parts of the depression stage when dealing with a drug abuser. Most abusers experience this when they are going through the withdrawal stage quitting their addiction. It is important to communicate these feelings as a process of the healing.
Acceptance – With substance abusers admitting you have a problem is different than accepting you have a problem. When you admit you have a problem this is more likely to occur in the bargaining stage. Accepting that you have a problem is when you own that you have a problem and start the process to resolve the issue. [5]
As stated above, according to her theory, Kübler-Ross claimed these stages do not necessarily come in order, nor are all stages experienced by all patients. She stated, however, that a person will always experience at least two of the stages. Often, people will experience several stages in a "roller coaster" effect—switching between two or more stages, returning to one or more several times before working through it.[2] Women are more likely than men to experience all five stages.[2]
However, the Kübler-Ross theory holds that there are individuals who struggle with death until the end. Some psychologists believe that the harder a person fights death, the more likely they will be to stay in the denial stage. If this is the case, it is possible the ill person will have more difficulty dying in a dignified way. Other psychologists state that not confronting death until the end is adaptive for some people.[2]
[edit] Cultural relevance
A dying individual's approach to death has been linked to the amount of meaning and purpose a person has found throughout his lifetime. A study of 160 people with less than three months to live showed that those who felt they understood their purpose in life or found special meaning, faced less fear and despair in the final weeks of their lives than those who had not. In this and similar studies, spirituality helped dying individuals deal with the depression stage more aggressively than those who were not spiritual.
All info taken from : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model
That is so helpful and I'm not sure we can quote even from the Wikipedia because of copywrite law. I will ask Kirk. Sending love...
I like this firelight. I can see I have passed through most of these with my son. Also, this is very true with chronic illness. My DD was diagnosed several years ago with a chronic illness and it just turned her world upside down. I can see where we all went through this and you do get to to the point of saying it is going to be ok and deal with it on a day to day basis. You really learn who your friends are too and who you can count on....
I apologize luise if this was not supposed to be done but I thought it would be OK as long as credit is given where credit is due which was all taken from the site I posted....I hope it's ok. I know if it disappears it wasn't ok..... ;)
I just wanted people to know that all our feelings are normal when experiencing some kind of loss and it is a process we go through, even if our feelings feel anything but normal at the time.
I'm glad you liked it Beth 2001. I hope your DD and you are ok. Life can really blindside us.
Nope - as I understand it, copywrite law does not allow for credit being given. I has to be obtained in writing from the source or whoever is responsible for it. However, I wrote Kirk and asked and left if up until I hear back. As I understand it, we can provide a link but that's all. I thought the same thing you did until he called me on it. I thought if it was on the Web is was public domain. Don't worry about it. Kirk will let us know and I will act accordingly. All is well. Sending love...
understood. In the future I will act accordingly. :)
We'll see. The Wikipedia may be exempt.
F - It's Ok! :-) Here's what I got back from Kirk:
Smart you asked.
It's fine to share (and more):
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Text_of_Creative_Commons_Attribution-ShareAlike_3.0_Unported_License
I'm glad he's so smart! I got a headache just trying to read through that and understand it! Lol.
wonderful! good ole wikipedia. :-) Thanks to Kirk for looking it up for us.
Good to know there's an exception to every rule! :)
Thank you for this! I will read it many times. I can't seem to get through the grief of the loss of my dad and losing my mom to alzheimers disease. With everything on my plate, as you know, the grief stages seem to be stalled or taking longer. I want to scream so many times that I want my dad and mom back. They truly were the only 2 people in the entire world (besided God) that loved me no matter what. When I finally decided to reach out with the truth, they were gone. One to death and the other to the death of her mind. Oh how I need to move on. My dad and mom would want me to. It is just so darned HARD! cdb
When I hit that wall, I started writing to them. I know it may sound nuts but I poured out my feelings that way. After a while, I was writing them more about the happenings in my life...and eventually, I started writing answers back to me from them. No, I didn't think it was their voices from 'beyond' or automatic writing....but...I knew what they would say and it brought me (still brings me at times) great comfort. Sending love...
I do the whole visiting my grandma's grave thing and sit and talk to her. Took me a few years before I could go, but once I did, it is becoming my ritual to go talk to her when I'm struggling. Probably strange but it's therapeutic for me for some reason.
Not strange to me. Makes perfect sense. Sending love...
i have learned that it is good to get it out of us and onto paper. This must be my paper for now. I was so strong planning my dad's funeral etc and even with him at his end of life. He once told me about the one time (out of many, confirmed by doctors to me) that he died, he was above his body. The doctors didn't believe him until he told them what they did and what he saw to revive him. He shared this with me many years later. He didn't like to talk about death. He focused on living. I wonder if my mom got alzheimer's from all the worry about him with all her heart problems starting in his 40's. He was considered bionically run by the pacemaker/defibrulator/metal valve/medications. He had 9 medtronic ones. Some recalled, some wires came loose from 1981 to 2010. He survived staph infection 2 times from the wires to his heart/1 time knee surgery and the 4th he didn't make it due to no medications.
I stayed with him at the hospital for that whole month. I am proud of all I did and how I handled the doctors and his care.
I did everything he asked of me with questions to doctors etc. The only thing I couldn't do was get my mom so he could see her before he passed on. There was no travel due to a winter storm and she was in bed with alzheimers at the place she lives. But, the day the owner was going to tell my mom he had passed on. My mom somehow knew! The owner had a religious experience with my mom while holding her hands. My mom's mind was not in good shape. Mom said that: Something happened, My heart hurts, I know something happened. The owner knew that my dad had come to talk to her. Then she didn't speak his name for 3 days. A pastor told me, Jesus was on the earth for 3 days and that my dad had things to do. Who knows. He came to me in a vision of a large picture of him painted with his Shriner's Clown Outfit on. Just his face. I saw his lips move slowly saying I love you. His face was like a cloud of snow. I didn't realize this at the time. Then I heard in my mind, Wait until you see this place.
I wish I could still feel or hear him. I can't imagine getting through life without my dad and mom.
Can I?
cdb
Of course you can. We all come for just a while and then leave. It's the natural oder of things. Sedning love...
Thank you Luise. It is the natural order of things. I am so much of a "Polyanna", I thought my parents would be here and healthy forever on earth. I finally told my dad about my unhappy marriage and realized he was a wise and understanding counselor with no blame. I shared nothing, but the unhappiness. He was going to help me and then he died. He was upset with how my daughter had been too to me. He did say I would see my grandkids again and he was right. But not how I thought I would see them. He fought so hard to stay on this earth for my mom and I. I never saw anyone die before. I was by myself with nurses. I was always "fine" and strong for dad. Even until the end.
Thanks for your support and understanding. No one wants to listen to me or see my cry here.
Life has a force of it's own. I have tried to stop time, but can't. I just want to be happy again.
cdb
CDB.
I'm so sorry for your loss , but from time began this is life .
It took me about a year after the loss of my parents , not to miss them so much .
I know I will see them again , and this helps me enormously .
Life is a cycle , one which must end on this earth , but I believe it goes on .
When people are too ill to remain here , it's a release to end the suffering .
The pain will ease it time , don't be too hard on yourself . Fill your days with
keeping busy .
Sending hugs ....
cdb - We ride the wave of life until we don't. Ups and downs....happy and sad. Good things will come your way again...(it's the natural order of things.) Sending love...