WiseWomenUnite.com

Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: Renet on November 07, 2010, 07:36:52 PM

Title: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Renet on November 07, 2010, 07:36:52 PM
The Awakening
(Author unknown)

A time comes in your life when you finally get...when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out...ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon.

You realize that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you...and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are...and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself...and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

Your stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn't do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and everything isn't always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself...and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties...and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for you next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything, it's not you job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people...and you lean not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody's punishing you and everything isn't always somebody's fault. It's just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You lean that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than you heart's desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in you heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: luise.volta on November 07, 2010, 07:46:25 PM
Beautiful. At age 83 I know that path well. I haven't read the book but I have lived it in my own way. 
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: barelythere on November 07, 2010, 07:57:00 PM
Quote from: Renet on November 07, 2010, 07:36:52 PM
The Awakening
(Author unknown)

A time comes in your life when you finally get...when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out...ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon.

You realize that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you...and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are...and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself...and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

Your stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn't do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and everything isn't always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself...and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties...and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for you next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything, it's not you job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people...and you lean not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody's punishing you and everything isn't always somebody's fault. It's just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You lean that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than you heart's desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in you heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

Thank you!  This is where I am at last after all these years!  No need to roam the websites, begging for answers, getting kicked in the head by misunderstanding DILs who broke me in more ways than I could emotionally take or by real life friends who can't believe this is happening to us.  I am here. I made it.
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: luise.volta on November 07, 2010, 07:59:18 PM
Welcome home!
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: barelythere on November 07, 2010, 08:01:38 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on November 07, 2010, 07:59:18 PM
Welcome home!

Thank you, I have been to war so it's good to be home.
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Renet on November 07, 2010, 09:10:44 PM
This is not from the book........It was written by someone who has known heartache and rose above the devastation it can cause...   In the book,which was written in the late 1800's, the main character gives up and takes her own life......  This celebrates finding life.....This says we can do it...... heartache from children and all......  Wise Women Unite... has lifted me up in the last few days unlike anything else has...including the love and devotion of a very good husband..... I now know where I can come when the dark clouds begin to gather again..... or when I feel like I need to pick up the phone and call my daughter and tell her I am sorry for being a good mother, for loving her, and yet for never being good enough for her.....   
I have sat and read and re-read so many post....and I have sat and bawled....I have felt alone in this sorrow for 10 years......like I was a failure somehow...with this one child.....That I was not good enough for my own mother to love me (she tried to abort me in 1954) and at the other end of the spectrum not good enough for my own daughter to love me..... I had dealt with the loss of never have had a mother's love....but this loss consumed me.....  Finding this site....has literally saved me....  I do not know how to express that enough...
The Awakening....was something I found several months ago....I wanted to share it with all of you strong women whose words have given me strength....
Thank you..........   
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Tara on November 07, 2010, 09:15:19 PM
Dear BT,

So good /heartening to hear 'you made it"!

I always love to hear your thoughts and reflections
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: cremebrulee on November 08, 2010, 05:20:47 AM
Renet
Welcome and thank you endlessly for posting this beauty

I loved this the most...

"You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy."

Hugs and thank you

Creme
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: seasage on November 08, 2010, 06:12:46 AM
Lovely poem.  I was inspired to rewrite the first few stanzas to fit my situation.
Writing this down - personalizing it - changing the pronouns to first person - is helping me to heal. 
The knowledge that I needed to STOP and say ENOUGH has come from the wisdom of other women in this forum.
Here is my personalized version of 'The Awakening'. 
_______________________________________

A time has come in my life, a time in the midst of all my fears and insanity,
while stopped dead in my tracks, and with a voice inside my head crying out ENOUGH!
ENOUGH crying and crawling and gifting and struggling to change Dilly's approval!

Like a child quieting down after a tantrum, I blink back my tears
and begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is my awakening.

I realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change. 
I realize there aren't always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of happiness
must begin with me.  A sense of serenity has arrived.

I accept the fact that Dilly finds me imperfect,
and that she may never appreciate or approve of who or what I am.

I am learning the importance of loving and championing myself, and in the process,
new confidence and self-approval are born.
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: luise.volta on November 08, 2010, 06:32:40 AM
Where did you find The Awakening? Thanks.
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: barelythere on November 08, 2010, 06:43:33 AM
Quote from: cremebrulee on November 08, 2010, 05:20:47 AM
Renet
Welcome and thank you endlessly for posting this beauty

I loved this the most...

"You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy."

Hugs and thank you

Creme

Dear Creme,
I must be misunderstanding this.  I didn't deserve this treatment.  I did not.  Like I've said before, it's a sin to kill a Mockingbird.  I'm not disabled physically but my heart is-- so in the same sense, it is murder to treat me like what has been allowed to happen by my DILs.  Yes, my sons allowed it. 

I did not deserve it....neither did my husband.
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Pen on November 08, 2010, 06:45:24 AM
Quote from: cremebrulee on November 08, 2010, 05:20:47 AM
Renet
Welcome and thank you endlessly for posting this beauty

I loved this the most...

"You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy."

Hugs and thank you

Creme

This is an interesting piece of writing that gives much to think about. Creme, it's interesting that the line you found the most helpful to you is the one line I would edit out if I were to rewrite it for my personal use. I know many who don't deserve the life they ended up with, some who are fortunate and others who are unfortunate.

Again, we can take what works for us and leave the rest, right?
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: luise.volta on November 08, 2010, 07:20:34 AM
My take on that part about "getting what we deserve" is about lessons. The hardest ones for me...the most devastating and unbearable...have been the ones that have moved me the farthest along on my spiritual path. Not because I needed to be tortured but because I needed depth, compassion and wisdom; tempering, like steel in fire.
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: cremebrulee on November 08, 2010, 07:26:10 AM
yes, Luise, exactly why I loved it....
and without the devestating and unbarable, how would we truly know joy, no matter how minute...or short living that joy/true happiness

your insight is most impressive my friend!!!!  ;D
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Marilyn on November 08, 2010, 07:32:06 AM
Thank you Renet for posting this.........It's awesome!!!

And thank you Luise for your take on this also.
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: barelythere on November 08, 2010, 07:34:04 AM
Quote from: cremebrulee on November 08, 2010, 07:26:10 AM
yes, Luise, exactly why I loved it....
and without the devestating and unbarable, how would we truly know joy, no matter how minute...or short living that joy/true happiness

your insight is most impressive my friend!!!!  ;D

Creme and Luise,
You might be right in some ways.  Maybe I needed to learn not to be so naive regarding people.  I loved so they loved, right?  My compassion was overwhelming, maybe that was what needed to be tempered.  It was my gift and I think my world has lost a lot because I took that compassion away and traded it in on skepticism and doubt.  I think I stand up for myself more now so maybe that was it.  Here's hoping.
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Pooh on November 08, 2010, 07:34:49 AM
Thanks Renet.  I really love this.

My fav:

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: luise.volta on November 08, 2010, 08:10:47 AM
What an inspiring discussion. I have never thought we needed to be kicked to the curb to develop as much as we need to develop when kicked to the curb. There's a difference. I'm no masochist and would much rather trip the light fantastic.

Then I trip...
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: barelythere on November 08, 2010, 08:17:30 AM
Quote from: luise.volta on November 08, 2010, 08:10:47 AM
What an inspiring discussion. I have never thought we needed to be kicked to the curb to develop as much as we need to develop when kicked to the curb. There's a difference. I'm no masochist and would much rather trip the light fantastic.

Then I trip...

Luise,
I wish I could have kept my tender and trusting heart.  I think I gave a lot to everyone I knew but maybe I will need the sense of skepticism and doubt in the nursing home where I might be assaulted by who knows?  a gentleman I think is much older but in reality is my own age??   ;D

Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: luise.volta on November 08, 2010, 08:26:35 AM
I don't follow you in the nursing home part but I agree that with wisdom we learn to temper trust.

I trust in each instance until I learn not to. Sometimes that comes quickly...in a gut reaction and sometimes my trust is rewarded. Life can be a minefield full of daisies. I am going t continue to pick them where I find them...while being cautious.
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: barelythere on November 08, 2010, 08:36:14 AM
Quote from: luise.volta on November 08, 2010, 08:26:35 AM
I don't follow you in the nursing home part but I agree that with wisdom we learn to temper trust.

I trust in each instance until I learn not to. Sometimes that comes quickly...in a gut reaction and sometimes my trust is rewarded. Life can be a minefield full of daisies. I am going t continue to pick them where I find them...while being cautious.

This was my poor attempt at humor. Sorry. 
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: luise.volta on November 08, 2010, 08:40:56 AM
Why should yo apologize for my being dense? ???  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: barelythere on November 08, 2010, 08:47:07 AM
Quote from: luise.volta on November 08, 2010, 08:40:56 AM
Why should yo apologize for my being dense? ???  ;D ;D ;D

Because my sense of humor is whacked out, that's why.. ;D  You know how you go to your high school reunion and think: "my Lord!! these people can't be my age!!  They are so much older?"

We likely all do it but we don't realize we look the same way.  (I don't, of course, but they do  :).  Yes, indeedy, they do)
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: luise.volta on November 08, 2010, 08:56:16 AM
My husband is 99. He will tell me when I visit him in the nursing home that a friend of mine dropped in. I will ask who and he will say..." I don't remember her name but she has white hair and she's really old. (That accurately describes abut 99% of us here at our retirement center and the rest color their hair.) Later on someone at least twenty years younger than he is will, say, "I dropped in to see Val, recently...and he knew me!"  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Nana on November 08, 2010, 12:46:26 PM
I read "The Awakening"about 10 years ago.  I love it and had been searching to find it to share it with all of you.  Thanks for finding it.  It is the most inspiring article that I have read and Oh so true.  I think it was written by a Susan...?    I had it printed many years ago but I lost it. 

Barely:  I agree that you didnt deserve nor did your husband the treatment you got from dil and son.  But this can be interpreted many ways.  Say, we deserve what we get because we permit it....could it be so?   Many of us didnt really, truly deserve what we got.  Or maybe when we raised our children and did our best....we missed something?  I dont know....maybe ha?  We are not responsible for our children personality traits either....we raised them just the same and had different outcomes....or probably the peers around them.....who knows....

Nevertheless the article "The awakening"in most parts is awesome....I like the part of not being loved by everyone......it is ok. 

Love 

Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: barelythere on November 08, 2010, 12:58:29 PM
Quote from: Nana on November 08, 2010, 12:46:26 PM
I read "The Awakening"about 10 years ago.  I love it and had been searching to find it to share it with all of you.  Thanks for finding it.  It is the most inspiring article that I have read and Oh so true.  I think it was written by a Susan...?    I had it printed many years ago but I lost it. 

Barely:  I agree that you didnt deserve nor did your husband the treatment you got from dil and son.  But this can be interpreted many ways.  Say, we deserve what we get because we permit it....could it be so?   Many of us didnt really, truly deserve what we got.  Or maybe when we raised our children and did our best....we missed something?  I dont know....maybe ha?  We are not responsible for our children personality traits either....we raised them just the same and had different outcomes....or probably the peers around them.....who knows....

Nevertheless the article "The awakening"in most parts is awesome....I like the part of not being loved by everyone......it is ok. 

Love

Thanks, Nana.  Although I know I didn't deserve it, I did permit it. I was in shock and somehow could not believe it was happening.  I know not everyone will like everyone but this was one of the firsts for us. 

I don't understand people being mean, cruel to other people and I never will.  I do think I've gained some measure of not allowing bad treatment of myself anymore.  I was always a protector of loved ones and I guess I expected them to be a protector of me.  I think that threw me most, not being protected by my son. 
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Nana on November 08, 2010, 01:02:43 PM
Dear Barleythere

She we all permit it for sometime.  It is so hard to take a decision to back off because we want to be near them.  We are powerless and fearful and with beautiful dreams and expectations.  eIn permitting all these we gave them permission to degrade our soul and mind.  Good that we reacted later....better late than never. 

Barely...as I had said before....things only change positive when I reacted back. 

Good luck

Love you Barely
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: barelythere on November 08, 2010, 01:15:37 PM
Quote from: Nana on November 08, 2010, 01:02:43 PM
Dear Barleythere

She we all permit it for sometime.  It is so hard to take a decision to back off because we want to be near them.  We are powerless and fearful and with beautiful dreams and expectations.  eIn permitting all these we gave them permission to degrade our soul and mind.  Good that we reacted later....better late than never. 

Barely...as I had said before....things only change positive when I reacted back. 

Good luck

Love you Barely

I know I need to react back but with my heart, it will be so hard for me.  They knew all I wanted was a family.  I think my DIL and son thinks they are giving me one with the times we see them but I guess it's not like I had hoped for.  It was great when I was a slave to her but she has others to do what she wants now.  I think I'm having a down day today.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.  I hope so.
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: luise.volta on November 08, 2010, 01:23:06 PM
This is the place to come on a down days. We are no fair-weather friends. Sending love...
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: seasage on November 08, 2010, 01:44:57 PM
The Awakening was written by Denise M. "Sonny" Carroll.
http://www.inspirationpeak.com/library/awakening.html


Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Nana on November 08, 2010, 01:54:19 PM
Thanks Seasage for sharing the author's name and site.
I had been looking for the article to no avail because couldnt remember the author.
Thanks
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Nana on November 08, 2010, 02:04:09 PM
Dear Barelythere:

A down day....we all have.  Cheer up girl... on this side of the world....we all love you and wish you the best.  I have been there many a times.....and I didnt know this site existed.  Your heart is blessed indeed.... keep it tight....dont let them touch that part of you.   We have a life Barelythere....we wanted to be part of theirs.....but they got to decide to what extent.... We have many sources for love.....just sometimes we have to look elsewhere.   In this side of the world... we all love you and wish you the best.     Your son loves you too in his own way.....let it be.......he will change overtime....I can assure you.  Just dont beg......if we lose our dignity we are losing ourselves.  We all lose it or some time....but then again.....lets get it back for our own well-being.

Love you Barelythere....a big bear hug....all for you.
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: luise.volta on November 08, 2010, 02:08:57 PM
I learned in a little different situation to imagine anything I said in the headlines of the evening news. :o
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: luise.volta on November 08, 2010, 02:11:04 PM
I love your posts, Nana!  :D
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: barelythere on November 08, 2010, 02:12:00 PM
Quote from: Nana on November 08, 2010, 02:04:09 PM
Dear Barelythere:

A down day....we all have.  Cheer up girl... on this side of the world....we all love you and wish you the best.  I have been there many a times.....and I didnt know this site existed.  Your heart is blessed indeed.... keep it tight....dont let them touch that part of you.   We have a life Barelythere....we wanted to be part of theirs.....but they got to decide to what extent.... We have many sources for love.....just sometimes we have to look elsewhere.   In this side of the world... we all love you and wish you the best.     Your son loves you too in his own way.....let it be.......he will change overtime....I can assure you.  Just dont beg......if we lose our dignity we are losing ourselves.  We all lose it or some time....but then again.....lets get it back for our own well-being.

Love you Barelythere....a big bear hug....all for you.

You're wonderful, Nana....love you
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Nana on November 08, 2010, 02:17:06 PM
Thanks Luise and Barely

We are all here to support each other....we have all walked through muddy road so we know perfectly well what it feels. 

Love you wonderful ladies
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Pen on November 08, 2010, 04:44:11 PM
Quote from: barelythere on November 08, 2010, 01:15:37 PM
Quote from: Nana on November 08, 2010, 01:02:43 PM
Dear Barleythere

She we all permit it for sometime.  It is so hard to take a decision to back off because we want to be near them.  We are powerless and fearful and with beautiful dreams and expectations.  eIn permitting all these we gave them permission to degrade our soul and mind.  Good that we reacted later....better late than never. 

Barely...as I had said before....things only change positive when I reacted back. 

Good luck

Love you Barely

I know I need to react back but with my heart, it will be so hard for me.  They knew all I wanted was a family.  I think my DIL and son thinks they are giving me one with the times we see them but I guess it's not like I had hoped for.  It was great when I was a slave to her but she has others to do what she wants now.  I think I'm having a down day today.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.  I hope so.

I understand the down day, for sure. I hope you feel better soon.
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Renet on November 08, 2010, 05:33:29 PM
Seasage...I love how you edited it....  They must be about the same age......as that name was popular at the time too....  And it's my daughter who wants me to be perfect and can not love me because I am not.....And all the gift giving and phone calls and special attention has never changed her.... 

I realized last year when I started doing small triathlons that I wanted her to be proud of me more than I wanted to do them......Is that sad or what?   Do you know what her response was when I told her that I, (an overweight middle aged couch potato) was doing a sprint triathlon (which is a 500 meter swim, 12 mile bike ride and 5k run or walk and I did not even know how to swim a year ago)  Erica's response was.... "that's not even a real triathlon."

We deserve the things that come to us as a condition of being human.....  There needs to be opposition in all things in order to understand the good.  Pain and sorrow.  Joy and Healing.  I am so aware and much more appreciative of the love of 3 of my children, because I know the hate of one of them....Opposition in all things...to understand the good...

It's so true the things that are hardest for us strengthen us the greatest.....  I love the saying about...."We can not avoid the storms but we can learn to dance in the rain....."

Thank you again to all of you for being my strength.....for leading by the hand and teaching me to dance during this storm in my life...
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: luise.volta on November 08, 2010, 05:52:51 PM
Please leave given names out of posts just to be cautious. Thanks. I use them because it is my site and I am very visible but everyone else is wise to aim at some level of anonymity.
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Renet on November 08, 2010, 05:59:36 PM
Luise....Thank you for reminding us to keep names out.....I think I write before I read!!!!    Is there a place to find out what all the abbreviations do mean....Sometimes I am not sure.... Like  DS...... 

I am so grateful for this site and these other women.....  I can do it Luise...I can stand up to my Daughter because of the support on this website.....   When I think of her, and start to feel sad because of the Holidays coming up....and when I want to pick up the phone and call her, or write an email and tell her I am sorry....(which is so dumb)  I come on here.....It is just so much better and healthy for me...and then I can do it one more day....

I truly love you all......
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: luise.volta on November 08, 2010, 06:11:22 PM
Go to our Home Page and scroll down to Resources. You will find them there. (I personally love FOO (family Of Origin.) We just make them up as we go along. DS is dear Son. MESS is Me Every Second Saturday. (I'm kidding!)
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Renet on November 08, 2010, 06:16:20 PM
OD my DWF!!    Thanks a whole big bunch for all you do for my OH

(Okie Dokie)   (Dear Newest Friend)  (Owie Heart)     :  )
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: luise.volta on November 08, 2010, 06:25:25 PM
LOL!
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: seasage on November 08, 2010, 06:45:46 PM
Quote from: Renet on November 08, 2010, 05:33:29 PM
I realized last year when I started doing small triathlons that I wanted her to be proud of me more than I wanted to do them......Is that sad or what?   Do you know what her response was when I told her that I, (an overweight middle aged couch potato) was doing a sprint triathlon (which is a 500 meter swim, 12 mile bike ride and 5k run or walk and I did not even know how to swim a year ago)  Erica's response was.... "that's not even a real triathlon."

Well, I am proud of you for your triathlons.  Tell us where your next one is, and we will come and cheer you on.  We have an Olympic gold medalist in my family, and I know he would be proud of you too.  Your DD is mistaken: real athletes know how hard it is to accomplish any of those things!  I hope you are proud of yourself for your accomplishments. 
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: luise.volta on November 08, 2010, 06:50:08 PM
Wow!! Seasage!
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: seasage on November 08, 2010, 06:53:11 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on November 08, 2010, 06:50:08 PM
Wow!! Seasage!

No. Not wow seasage.  Wow Renet!  Renet is the woman who is accomplishing wondrous things.  All I am doing is giving her a little encouragement.
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: luise.volta on November 08, 2010, 07:01:52 PM
Come on...with a Gold Medalist in the family! That's got t be solid gold encouragement!
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Tara on November 08, 2010, 07:09:01 PM
we all permit it for sometime.  It is so hard to take a decision to back off because we want to be near them.  We are powerless and fearful and with beautiful dreams and expectations.  In permitting all these we gave them permission to degrade our soul and mind.  Good that we reacted later....better late than never. 

Dear Pen & BT,

This is my story. 
The only difference on my end is that I was a young, immature mom just turning 31 when I let my son go live with his late fathers
family for a year while I finished my undergrad degree and he never came back.  I felt I deserved poor treatment, I felt grief stricken
and guilty and overtime some PTSD.  But now I'm 66 and I see things differently.

I am also an optomistic and know what is positively possible, but must also back off, and this won't be the first time.   
I'm going to asia in 2.5 weeks and so wish we could be in contact.  (I am sending DS a bday card with gift card and Ordered a gift basket for xmas for DS and DIL but that is it, no other communication unless they initiate it)   They know I'm leaving.  A friend
said:  "They won't give you their blessing as you leave but I will"  and hugged me. 

Renet:

I'm thrilled for you and your mini marathon. 
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: luise.volta on November 08, 2010, 07:13:56 PM
Couch Potato no more! I'm rooting for you!  ;D
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Tara on November 08, 2010, 07:17:08 PM
Thank you!
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Renet on November 08, 2010, 07:40:39 PM
Aw you guys are all so awesome...... Makes me really wonder how come our silly kids just don't get it......

Thanks for all the support on the Triathlons!!!   I will tell you if I can do it anyone on the planet earth could......   After doing my first one in April (where there were 600 people and I came in dead last....but came in!!!!!!!!!)   My friend who did it with me and I said, let's do one for the women in our church.  And we did!!!!!  Sept. 25 the.  250 women.....It was amazing.    I will tell you ladies, feeling like I could conquer this at this point in my life helped me to realize I was an amazing woman, with our without my DD approval.    Getting up and being physically active is a great cure for many heartaches....

And wow....and Olympic Gold Medical.....how incredibly cool is that.....What an awesome honor to have in your family....

Ok, I live in Oregon and will be doing the Oregon State University Triathlon again next April.....Whoever wants to join me let me know....

Sometimes I have dreams during the night where my DD loves me and wants me in her life.....  I always wake up from those very sad and heavy hearted..... Do others of you have that??

I want to tell all of you.........I love my daughter with all of my heart....I will never ever not love her, stop missing her, or stop wishing it was different....  I want to make quilts with her and laugh and giggle....... I want to have her lay her head in my lap once again and let me run my fingers through her hair until she falls asleep.......   I want to show her daughter, my little granddaughter, the Lilac tree her mama gave me when she was 14 for Mother's Day.  Her and I planted it beneath the kitchen window because she told me... "Mom, whenever you look out the window you can think of me....."  I want to play with my granddaughter who looks so much like me and uses the same hand gestures I use......I want to talk to her on the phone and not be afraid to say "I love you."  When I hang up the phone.  I want her to call me out of the blue and tell me thank you for being there for her through all the hard times.  I want her to simply say...."Mom, I love you."   
I am having a hard time.....I invited her home for Thanks giving.  They have not been here in 4 years.  They go to my SIL parents every 6 months....and have spent the last 3 Christmas's with them.......  They have never spent a holiday with us since they were married 6 years ago.....What in the world have I done that she hates the site of me.......................I wish this did not break my heart.... I wish my husband would quit telling me I need to just devote myself to the other ones and forget about her....I wish my husband would not tell me how cruel she is to me and that I need to stop trying......  I know all of that....I have quit trying.......  I just....I just miss her....and I miss all the dreams I had about her growing up...............I hate the way she treats me.....But I love her...still
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: barelythere on November 08, 2010, 07:46:17 PM
Quote from: Renet on November 08, 2010, 07:40:39 PM
Aw you guys are all so awesome...... Makes me really wonder how come our silly kids just don't get it......

Thanks for all the support on the Triathlons!!!   I will tell you if I can do it anyone on the planet earth could......   After doing my first one in April (where there were 600 people and I came in dead last....but came in!!!!!!!!!)   My friend who did it with me and I said, let's do one for the women in our church.  And we did!!!!!  Sept. 25 the.  250 women.....It was amazing.    I will tell you ladies, feeling like I could conquer this at this point in my life helped me to realize I was an amazing woman, with our without my DD approval.    Getting up and being physically active is a great cure for many heartaches....

And wow....and Olympic Gold Medical.....how incredibly cool is that.....What an awesome honor to have in your family....

Ok, I live in Oregon and will be doing the Oregon State University Triathlon again next April.....Whoever wants to join me let me know....

Sometimes I have dreams during the night where my DD loves me and wants me in her life.....  I always wake up from those very sad and heavy hearted..... Do others of you have that??

I want to tell all of you.........I love my daughter with all of my heart....I will never ever not love her, stop missing her, or stop wishing it was different....  I want to make quilts with her and laugh and giggle....... I want to have her lay her head in my lap once again and let me run my fingers through her hair until she falls asleep.......   I want to show her daughter, my little granddaughter, the Lilac tree her mama gave me when she was 14 for Mother's Day.  Her and I planted it beneath the kitchen window because she told me... "Mom, whenever you look out the window you can think of me....."  I want to play with my granddaughter who looks so much like me and uses the same hand gestures I use......I want to talk to her on the phone and not be afraid to say "I love you."  When I hang up the phone.  I want her to call me out of the blue and tell me thank you for being there for her through all the hard times.  I want her to simply say...."Mom, I love you."   
I am having a hard time.....I invited her home for Thanks giving.  They have not been here in 4 years.  They go to my SIL parents every 6 months....and have spent the last 3 Christmas's with them.......  They have never spent a holiday with us since they were married 6 years ago.....What in the world have I done that she hates the site of me.......................I wish this did not break my heart.... I wish my husband would quit telling me I need to just devote myself to the other ones and forget about her....I wish my husband would not tell me how cruel she is to me and that I need to stop trying......  I know all of that....I have quit trying.......  I just....I just miss her....and I miss all the dreams I had about her growing up...............I hate the way she treats me.....But I love her...still

:'(
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: luise.volta on November 08, 2010, 07:51:34 PM
Your love will always be there. And little by little you will find a new kind of wholeness. It doesn't come easy but you are well on you way with your Triathlons. Focus makes a lot of difference, eventually. When you focus on it, down you go and it doesn't help anything. When you focus elsewhere you give yourself room to heal. Pour your heart out here and share your victories, as well. You might have come in last but think of the people who didn't even try. You're a winner! Sending love...
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: seasage on November 08, 2010, 08:08:05 PM
Quote from: Renet on November 08, 2010, 07:40:39 PM
Ok, I live in Oregon and will be doing the Oregon State University Triathlon again next April.....Whoever wants to join me let me know....

The 'Beaver Freezer'?  Hmmm, wonder if I could make it by then .... Good thing they have age categories.  Are you a student at the university?

Quote from: Renet on November 08, 2010, 07:40:39 PM
Sometimes I have dreams during the night where my DD loves me and wants me in her life.....  I always wake up from those very sad and heavy hearted..... Do others of you have that??

I too used to dream about the impossible.  I woke up crying, real tears in my eyes, for 4 months.  Then I started begging on my knees.  It wasn't until I read the wise advice of women here that I knew it was time to stop.  Stopping feels so good right now. 

Your memories are beautiful.  Hold them in your heart.  Just stop beating yourself up about your loss, because it wasn't your fault. 
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Renet on November 08, 2010, 08:32:15 PM
Seasage!!!!!!!  Yes the Beaver Freezer!!!!!!   (the Beavers are the mascot of OSU for those of you not from Oregon) .   No, I am not a student.  I am 56 years old.   But I did it last year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I did it.....   I had no idea what I was even doing.... And it was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but crossing that finish line was the best thing I ever did for me!!!!!!!!!!!!  If I could do it Seasage...you could........I am shocked you knew what I was talking about.......  I live very close to Corvallis, that's why I did it.......I did not even know how to swim.....The first time took me 45 mins. to go 4 laps.....seriously.....I now do 1500 in 45 mins. 
Seasage...if you are serious.....I will get you more details........   

And Luise.....You are so comforting.....and wise....  Did you start this web site......
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Tara on November 08, 2010, 08:43:37 PM
Renet,

I am a southern oregonian
8)
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: luise.volta on November 08, 2010, 08:51:26 PM
Yes, I started WWU on Mother's day of 2009. Five years after I started my counseling Website: www.MomResponds.com My son, Kirk is my Webmaster. You can read about us and see his picture on the Home Page under Read Me First...How it started. I live in a retirement center in WA state and Kirk and Sandy live on Kauai but they have a park model trailer they stay in here in the summer. I'm 83, and taught myself computers with very little help in my 70s. I won two awards in 2009 for my web-volunteering...one from the Foss Foundation and the other from the Bank of America. This site was www.MotherInLawsUnite.com for the first year but so many wonderful DILs joined us in search of help with their MILs that I renamed it on our first anniversary. I started it because my most often question asked on my other site is "Why Do My Son and DIL Hate Me?" My husband is 99 and in a nursing home...and I have a 15 year-old Chihuahua, "Me, Too." My eldest son died at age 52 from a stroke from sleep apnea and I was the "evil mother and MIL". My younger son, Kirk and his Sandy are probably my best friends. I have never understood the huge difference in perception. (That's the short version.)
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Renet on November 08, 2010, 09:19:24 PM
Luise....You are so inspiring....I just told my husband about you and your age..... and I only knew a little part of the story.....Wow.....what a blessing you have been....I am grateful that you had the drive and the nerve to start learning computers....  Little did you know the difference you would make.....

I am sorry about the loss of your son.   I am grateful you have another who loves and appreciates you. 
I have somewhat the same situation.   4 children.  My oldest is son is ok.  I love his wife and wish he was more loving to her....but he is just like that....  My next is the one daughter who has broken my heart, after her another son...He is my best friend....although his wife is not as good to him as I think she should be.  But she loves him and he her....so it's ok.  And my last one is a daughter who was adopted as a new born....(an abandoned drug baby that I fostered)  She is my icing on my cake.  A senior in college.  We are very close to but she is pretty independent so not as close as my one son.  But so much better to me than my bio daughter.....  I have much to be grateful for..... But my heart aches for the one....  I have learned for the most part not to take it personally.....But some days are better than others......
Thanks again for the blessing you are to so many of us....And thanks for being a new hero in my life....  :  )    TOWH   (tons of warm hugs)
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Renet on November 08, 2010, 09:22:40 PM
Tara....of course your smily would have sun glasses if you are in Southern Oregon!!!!    Up north, we just get the rain.....  :  )
:'(      But then again, we learn to live with it and accept that our sunshine comes from within....    Gads...that was lame....  I hate the rain...who am I kidding......    :-\
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: barelythere on November 08, 2010, 09:40:01 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on November 08, 2010, 08:51:26 PM
Yes, I started WWU on Mother's day of 2009. Five years after I started my counseling Website: www.MomResponds.com My son, Kirk is my Webmaster. You can read about us and see his picture on the Home Page under Read Me First...How it started. I live in a retirement center in WA state and Kirk and Sandy live on Kauai but they have a park model trailer they stay in here in the summer. I'm 83, and taught myself computers with very little help in my 70s. I won two awards in 2009 for my web-volunteering...one from the Foss Foundation and the other from the Bank of America. This site was www.MotherInLawsUnite.com for the first year but so many wonderful DILs joined us in search of help with their MILs that I renamed it on our first anniversary. I started it because my most often question asked on my other site is "Why Do My Son and DIL Hate Me?" My husband is 99 and in a nursing home...and I have a 15 year-old Chihuahua, "Me, Too." My eldest son died at age 52 from a stroke from sleep apnea and I was the "evil mother and MIL". My younger son, Kirk and his Sandy are probably my best friends. I have never understood the huge difference in perception. (That's the short version.)

Thank you, Luise for all this and putting up with my lame jokes. :)
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Tara on November 08, 2010, 10:30:41 PM
Luise,

I appreciate you sharing the short version of your story, and also your work here on the website.  You give a lot and it
makes a significant difference in our lives, (and I'm just a newbie)

I'm struck re:  your story about your sons death and being the evil mom and MIL and different perceptions.  I'm sorry for your loss and happy  that you have a wonderful relationship with your other son.
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Pen on November 09, 2010, 06:17:08 AM
You are all inspirational! What an amazing group of WW. I'm in awe.

We have pretty good weather for outdoor sports but are in cougar/bear country. My human hiking buddy moved away a couple of years ago, my doggie buddy passed recently, and I'm kind of chicken to head out alone. Didn't used to be, maybe it's an "old lady" thing? DH & I get out to enjoy our favorite sports every now and then. I'm feeling the need for more intense exercise more often, and you all are kicking my rear to get going again even if I have to resort to a treadmill.

Another part of my life that I put on hold while raising children is my creativity. I'd love to start expressing myself visually again but I feel so clumsy when I pick up my favorite art tools these days (way out of practice.) After a hard day of working in an art-related field, the last thing I feel like doing is anything related to art, LOL.

And thanks again, Luise, for being a great role model for learning new skills at any age. If you had been less willing to try that "gol darn new-fangled computerizing," (my 90-yr-old DF's joke), we'd be without this wonderful resource.
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: erma on November 09, 2010, 09:33:26 AM
love, love, love the awakening! so inspirational! i too read this years ago, glad you re- berthed it so to speak.
i am trying my best to get it in gear, walking the pups every day again. who knows, maybe ill go crazy and get a pass to the gym!  ;D
i am trying on a new sort of selfishness these days now. i must rethink, revamp, redoo my doo.......... and I'm doing it!  8)
all of you people here are sooooooo awesome!   8) 8) 8)
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: jomama on November 09, 2010, 10:05:02 AM
Quote from: Pen on November 09, 2010, 06:17:08 AM
You are all inspirational! What an amazing group of WW. I'm in awe.

Another part of my life that I put on hold while raising children is my creativity. I'd love to start expressing myself visually again but I feel so clumsy when I pick up my favorite art tools these days (way out of practice.) After a hard day of working in an art-related field, the last thing I feel like doing is anything related to art, LOL.
I felt the same way, Pen. I used to do everything- paint, woodworking, crochet, embroidery. It seemed like forever since I'd done any art. I have one word for you- DOODLE!
Just pick up a pen and DO A DOODLE! LOL. Next thing you know, you're at Michael's loading up on paper and colored pencils.  ;D

I think I'll make that my motto: DO THE DOODLE! (http://i185.photobucket.com/albums/x144/wotsleft/emotes/smiley_drawing.gif)
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: luise.volta on November 09, 2010, 11:15:47 AM
Regarding the wet, Northern Oregon weather...I live in Western Washington and we get "washed " all the time. I think I have webbed feet! But to be honest I love it. And when the sun comes out...on my!!!  8) 8) 8)
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: elsieshaye on November 09, 2010, 12:28:05 PM
Jomama, I totally agree with "do the doodle"!  I had a long creative dry spell, but started coloring a couple of months ago - printed out some black and white drawings made for coloring, got myself some cheapie markers at the drugstore, and went to town.  It's fun and relaxing, and brings a little creativity into my day without me needing to devote a lot of time and space to it.  My coloring stuff is in a shoebox next to my couch, and when I need a little downtime I just sit and play with the markers.  Once I was coloring, I found myself wanting to crochet again, and am in the middle of a scarf.  Fun!
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Renet on November 09, 2010, 02:09:03 PM
Luise....It must be nice to live in Western Washington where the sun comes out.   I live in Western Oregon and I think the last time I saw it was maybe   2006 or 2008....
:o
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: luise.volta on November 09, 2010, 04:12:31 PM
Oh, did you see it then? I think it was early 1997 here!  I was blinded and had to put on my shades! 8)
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: seasage on November 09, 2010, 08:45:29 PM
I thought you Oregonians and Washingtonians were exaggerating about your lack of sun.  But here it is - a list of 10 cloudiest cities in the US!

10 cloudiest cities
Avg number of cloudy days per year

1. Astoria, Oregon   240
2. Quillayute, Washington   240
3. Olympia, Washington   229
4. Seattle, Washington   227
5. Portland, Oregon   223
6. Kalispell, Montana   213
7. Binghamton, New York   212
8. Beckley, West Virginia   211
9. Elkins, West Virginia   211
10. Eugene, Oregon   209
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Tara on November 09, 2010, 08:50:02 PM
amazing. 
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: luise.volta on November 09, 2010, 09:06:51 PM
Yup. That means we get about a month of sunshine a YEAR...around 35 days. And we have "bad" years when it's 25 days or less! I just love it here...but then, I'm a Pisces...(water sign..two fish!) ;D ;D ;D

Quillayute, WA in in the rain forest and Astoria, OR is at the mouth of the Columbia River where it flows into the Pacific Ocean.

The good news is that it doesn't get terribly hot in the summer or terribly cold in the winter! Very nice!!  :D :D

Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: jomama on November 09, 2010, 09:48:28 PM
Quote from: elsieshaye on November 09, 2010, 12:28:05 PM
Jomama, I totally agree with "do the doodle"!  I had a long creative dry spell, but started coloring a couple of months ago - printed out some black and white drawings made for coloring, got myself some cheapie markers at the drugstore, and went to town.  It's fun and relaxing, and brings a little creativity into my day without me needing to devote a lot of time and space to it.  My coloring stuff is in a shoebox next to my couch, and when I need a little downtime I just sit and play with the markers.  Once I was coloring, I found myself wanting to crochet again, and am in the middle of a scarf.  Fun!

That's great! You might like these then- http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_27?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=coloring+books+for+grownups&sprefix=coloring+books+for+grownups

DO THE DOODLE! (http://e.deviantart.net/emoticons/w/woohoo.gif)
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Rose799 on December 14, 2010, 06:08:17 AM
Quote from: luise.volta on November 08, 2010, 06:32:40 AM
Where did you find The Awakening? Thanks.

http://www.sapphyr.net/largegems/theawakening.htm
written by Sonny Carroll

Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Gram on December 15, 2010, 01:27:24 AM
I have copied "The Awakening" to put on my frig. There's quite a bit to absorb there, and thanks for sharing it! I realize I am so far from reaching my "awakening" that it's disheartening. I continue to suffer from not being allowed to be grandma to my only grandchild, due to the selfishness of my DIL and my son's apparent inability to step up and not allow his mom to continue to be treated unfairly. I DO get to see them very infrequently, when it suits DIL, which is not very often, even though they live only three or four miles away! I have been assured by son that I was a wonderful mom, but it just isn't convenient for me to come over when my son is at work (DIL excuse: the dogs bark when someone comes over, and it makes her nervous), and when he's home, DIL says they need their time alone together.

Christmas coming up is making it so very painful; my three kids and their spouses, along with my granddaughter, are coming to our home Saturday. The tension is building in me more each day. I haven't decorated yet; I don't know what I'm fixing for a meal; I just feel so alienated and hurt by my DIL and my son, and I can't seem to accept it, that they don't seem to care if I'm in my granddaughter's life. I get pictures online periodically, telling me when she's sitting up, and now this week she's starting to pull herself up to stand. It just crushes me when I get these updates and it would be so harmless for them to let me stop over, or them stop at my home, but it just isn't convenient for DIL. I am more heartbroken every day and am unable to function many days.

I DO find comfort from the posts on this website, and never realized there were so many others out there that were going through situations so much like mine. Tell me, when can I find happiness again, how can I find happiness again? I try suggestions, such as from the wisdom of "The Awakening," but it's as though it's a "fake" reprieve, because the pain never ceases to come back, again and again, dropping my emotions even lower. HELP!
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: cadagi101 on December 15, 2010, 06:01:57 AM
Quote from: Gram on December 15, 2010, 01:27:24 AM
I have copied "The Awakening" to put on my frig. There's quite a bit to absorb there, and thanks for sharing it! I realize I am so far from reaching my "awakening" that it's disheartening. I continue to suffer from not being allowed to be grandma to my only grandchild, due to the selfishness of my DIL and my son's apparent inability to step up and not allow his mom to continue to be treated unfairly. I DO get to see them very infrequently, when it suits DIL, which is not very often, even though they live only three or four miles away! I have been assured by son that I was a wonderful mom, but it just isn't convenient for me to come over when my son is at work (DIL excuse: the dogs bark when someone comes over, and it makes her nervous), and when he's home, DIL says they need their time alone together.

Christmas coming up is making it so very painful; my three kids and their spouses, along with my granddaughter, are coming to our home Saturday. The tension is building in me more each day. I haven't decorated yet; I don't know what I'm fixing for a meal; I just feel so alienated and hurt by my DIL and my son, and I can't seem to accept it, that they don't seem to care if I'm in my granddaughter's life. I get pictures online periodically, telling me when she's sitting up, and now this week she's starting to pull herself up to stand. It just crushes me when I get these updates and it would be so harmless for them to let me stop over, or them stop at my home, but it just isn't convenient for DIL. I am more heartbroken every day and am unable to function many days.

I DO find comfort from the posts on this website, and never realized there were so many others out there that were going through situations so much like mine. Tell me, when can I find happiness again, how can I find happiness again? I try suggestions, such as from the wisdom of "The Awakening," but it's as though it's a "fake" reprieve, because the pain never ceases to come back, again and again, dropping my emotions even lower. HELP!


Gram I am really sad for you,   please stay strong, I can't imagine the pain you are feeling.  I am not a grandma but reading your story made me very sad.   You have other family visiting for xmas, enjoy them, don't feel you have to be on top of every bit of preperation for xmas day.   Have you asked other to bring something along for lunch.    Your kids can help you decorate, your granddaughter would love to help.  That is what xmas is all about just being together with the ones you love and the family that show appreciation for you.   It is not  about what you do in preperation for the day or  the meal you cook.  My mum is 74 and she bought a small synthetic tree, she has told us she can't get motivated to decorate it, we don't care if it doesn't get done.  I have my parents and that is all that matters.    My sister-in-law put my parents, her husband and the rest of the family through hell for about 10 years.  Refusing us to spend time with her children, my mum felt as you do and it broke our hearts to see them hurt.  Do you know I didn't think that girl had a heart..she had breast cancer and a very difficult time her future is still uncertain, but it was like she was hit with a bolt of lightening,   she is so different now and is loving and kind and appreciates us all now.    She admitted to having bipolar and maybe that admittion help her accept it.    It is midnight I must go to bed, I usually catch up with WWU daily and your story saddened me greatly.     The nicest people can be hurt the most, it just isn't fair.     
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Barbie on December 15, 2010, 06:29:50 AM
Gram,

My heart goes out to you. I know exactly how you feel as I went through the same thing myself, I still don't get to see my only grand daughter whenever I want but when DIL feels like it. I've come a long way, most of the times I'm ok with it but once in a while it still hits me, my GD is two and I feel so much time has been wasted already.

You start by taking care of yourself. You and only you are in charge of your life. Force yourself to get out and do things you once enjoyed doing. Even when you go to the supermarket look around you, there's always somone who's in worse shape than you are. It takes time but it can be done.

                                                                  Hugs.



Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Pooh on December 15, 2010, 06:30:11 AM
Welcome Gram.  It is very hard, but you have to take baby steps and not let it consume you.  It takes awhile, but eventually the good days will outweigh the bad.  Concentrate on you and your hobbies and you will find the days will get easier.  It doesn't happen overnight.  Lots of hugs to you!
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: luise.volta on December 15, 2010, 06:40:08 AM

Thinking of you and sending love. For me it is all about focus. I acknowledge the pain and then I look at the other facets of my life and marvel at their perfection...like this Web-forum. And when my focus shifts...so do my feelings.
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Pen on December 15, 2010, 07:33:48 AM
Gram, I'm so sorry you're going through this but I'm really glad you found this site. As you can see, there are many wise women here who are dealing with similar situations. Right now you're in a bit of a crunch to get Christmas going while you feel devastated. Norman Rockwell pictures of happy families abound, adding to our feelings of rejection. But it won't do to appear miserable and needy in front of DIL, DS, GC & your other family members, so you must take care of yourself. You've received the best advice already, but here's my two cents:

Before take off flight attendants always remind us to don our own oxygen masks before helping others during an emergency. Do one thing right now that will be your "oxygen mask" today, even if it seems silly and non-prductive. Then do something else that will help you find your center again. Give yourself permission to scale down the holiday decor/food/activities and focus on doing a couple of things really well so you won't have another reason to feel bad. Like Julia suggested, get everyone involved. Enjoy your family!

A lot of us here have noticed big changes when we've moved on with our lives. It seems to take the pressure off others and they often come around when Mom isn't always available or eagerly awaiting the least little crumb. I'm not saying you do that, but even a phone call or email once in awhile can be perceived as hovering by someone who wants to spin it that way. We can only control ourselves, unfortunately.
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Rose799 on December 15, 2010, 08:35:48 AM
Quote from: Gram on December 15, 2010, 01:27:24 AM
Tell me, when can I find happiness again, how can I find happiness again?
Hi Gram, I'm a little ahead of you but I most certainly haven't "arrived" yet.  I think it's the hardest when the gc are young, like yours.  Nothing prepares us for being shut out, after giving & doing for our c the majority of our lives.   We gp's, too, had hopes & dreams.  Hopefully, in your case, the new will wear off & things will change for the better with your dil.  I truly hope so. 

That didn't happen with my dd.   I believe that awakening comes as a process, similar to grief.   Broken hearts take time to heal.  Eventually, it reaches a point where we have no choice but to face reality.  That's when it becomes less about them & more about our own survival.   My New Year's resolution is to bring happiness to myself.  I've forgotten how to do that. 

You need some way of letting out those pent up emotions.  It helps me to mail packages to my gs, though he's only 10 miles away.  If you sew, maybe you could make a quilt for your gd.  Embroider the date & sign it, with love from Gma.  Make it large so she won't outgrow it soon.   Use it as an avenue to express your love for her, & as she gets older, she'll think of you when she looks at it. 

I get very wound up before events where we'll be spending time with dd.  I never know what to expect.  But when that day arrives, it's usually always better than what I had imagined.  Ask that everyone bring a dish so that you won't have to do it all.  Try putting on some nice music, set a timer for 15 minutes & start on one thing, because it's Christmas, because you're grateful to have a new, healthy, happy gd, & so that when she looks back at this year's pictures, she'll see the grandma you want her to see.   :)

Rose


Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: SunnyDays09 on December 15, 2010, 02:40:55 PM
I have never been near my grand daughter.  Except in passing.  A parking lot I believe in my town.  I didn't realize it at the time *was too lazy to put contacts in and glasses are readers only.  But my DIL knew it was me passing her that day and she had this to post  about me on her myspace:

QuoteThursday, September 04, 2008
     

the disappointment continues

It just makes me sick to my stomache that my hubby's mother (if thats what you call her) could just walk past her granddaughter, pretend that she didn't see her and keep walking with her head down.  She should be ashamed of herself. Her granddaughter is an innocent child.  What a sad and pathetic life to have and lead...thank God her son doesn't take after her!!!!!!!!!!

7:49 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment -
What is sad is that she makes a veiled reference that I hurt an innocent child by not recognizing them.  What??!!   If SHE noticed ME, then why didn't she say something to me???  But all that is left in memory is that I hurt an innocent child.  The Shebat my ex-son married is conniving and very mentally disturbed.  I will have NO part of their lives...ever

Then this reply:
 

QuotePxx
   

Just read about the crazy woman. Where did you see her? Does she live close? I know remember Bill's mother hasn't seen B------ in 5 years of T----- and D---- in 3. She is crazy person. Luckily for us she lives in SC. Sucks doesn't it having an awful mother-in-law. Pxx

Posted by Pxx on Sep 27, 2008 10:22 AM
[Reply to this]

DIL replied: 

QuoteJxxxx
   

It is sad to say that she only lives 15 minutes away and I saw her at Marshal's. We haven't talked to her since out wedding 4 years ago. If she was in our lives it would be hell anyways b/c we would never be able to be at her standards for son/daughter-in-law/granddaughter. We are WAY better off!!!

Posted by Jxxxx on Sep 28, 2008 5:35 PM
[Reply to this]


Then DIL adds this to her myspace: 
Quotefamily
it has been 4 years and i don't think i will ever understand in laws...maybe just the mentally ill ones!!! Really, who doesn't talk to their own child in 4 years????  I just don't get it...I have talked to dozens of mothers and EVERY single one of them said they would do whatever they could to fix things with their child v/s not talking to them!!! Just is mind blowing.  Bipolar may be the bigger issue...I am not sure...I just don't get it!!! Thank God my family is so wonderful and supporting.  I don't know what I would do with out my mom in my life!!


There was also an "anonymous" letter sent {addressed to me} to my home telling me how dispecable (misspelled) I am for not apologizing to my son to be in his child's life,as well as some other very hurtful things. 

   I have NOT contacted those individuals.  I contacted the Post Office.  Some of the content sounded threatening.  I don't know what those people are capable of.  I do not ever want them in my life.  I do not regret the choice I made NOT to apologize to her and her family as my son demanded to "get passed this".  He made it clear he did not want ME in his life. 

  I truly am fine with this.  I don't miss them or the child they created.  I don't miss the mean.  The nasty games.  Her "insidious damage" of psychological abuse on me and those I love.  Along with my son's denial.  Really.  Why would I bother with people so cruel, so intent on hurting me?   
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: jill on December 15, 2010, 05:30:58 PM
Dear Gram,
Just wanted to let you know I know exactly how you are feeling.  I have felt the same pain, my dd has had nothing to do with me for four months.  We had a meeting a couple of weeks ago, and we are going to try to take things slowly, and have minimal contact.  I don't hold out much hope that we will ever be close, but I will get to see my granddaughter on Boxing Day.
You will get a lot of comfort from the wise women on this site.   Just keep posting and venting.  It is good that you will spend some of the holiday time with your other children, and you will see your granddaughter this weekend.  Make the best of the time you have with her.

Dear HappyDays,
I am so sorry to hear your situation.  But you do sound very angry still, and it has been 4 years.  If you love your son I think you should contact him and let him know that, and also that you love your granddaughter.  I think you are hurting yourself  by saying you do not ever want them in your life.

Best wishes..........Jill
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: SunnyDays09 on December 15, 2010, 06:55:48 PM
Thank you Jill.  I was just trying to let Gram understand that sometimes we can bend backward for those we love only to find it just isn't enough, but it isn't the end of the world.  There is just so much a caring person can take from these "types" .
   But I thank you for your kindness and compassion.  It actually has been six years.  I last spoke to them in June, 2004.  For my own sake, I cannot fathom having them in my life for what they did to me and to those I love.  Not for all the grandkids in the world would I allow it.  For in my heart of hearts I feel she was only seeking a free babysitter.  She will only allow those people in her circle, those she can use for something.  Be it money, job, free tickets somewhere...free babysitting. 

  I actually have no feeling for any of them any more.  I am more angry that I was fool enough to think they were capable of real compassion.

  I was to find we didn't have the $$$$ to keep my son happy and I wasn't about to be "Gramma Nanny" to suit her needs.  No.  I don't need them in my life.  I have people that reciprocate what I give to them.  Actually those I choose to have in my life give me back more than what I give them.   In ways of the heart.  People I want with me are those I would give a kidney to.  And they to me, I guess would be a good analogy, I suppose. 

My son would demand the kidney if he needed it as would his s/o.  But if it were reversed the reply would be "why should we give you one of ours if there is a chance it might become damaged anyway?"  Or something like that!!  Thems are takers.  I am a giver.  And they took all that I could give. 
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Gram on December 15, 2010, 10:46:10 PM
Hello Everyone. To EACH and every one of you, I thank you! I felt truly blessed tonight when I logged on and saw the outpouring of care, compassion, and even wonderful suggestions!! As so many of you have said, this place is remarkable, joining with women that have so much in common, women that can not only try to understand what we're going through, but really CAN understand because of what they've been through. I will keep all of you with me when the family comes over Saturday evening.

Earlier this evening, feeling more and more upset, with this aching seeming too much, I sent a message to my DD asking her if it'd be okay if they all just skipped coming to my home this Christmas. I've been hesitating to cancel though, because I don't want to draw attention to my pain or cause drama. She called me back immediately, and we had a long talk. DD is so understanding and caring, trying to help me through this.  My regret is that she has to feel my pain. My mother always tried to shelter us, and I have tried to do the same, probably too much.

I look forward to the day when I have grown through this, or am at least further down the path, like many of you are, when I am able to take the good and not dwell on what's not fair. Every day I wallow in despair is another day wasted. As HappyDays09 said, we can sometimes bend backwards for those we love and it's still not enough, but it doesn't need to bring our world to and end! I know I need to let go of the expectation that there will be the closeness I desire, that my son and SIL will also have an awakening and see how easy it would be for them to relieve so much pain. I AM really so fortunate to have my other kids and their spouses that I can share love with too.

Julia, you sound like such a loving and caring person. Please don't be sad for me (heck, I don't want to feel guilty about that! Just kidding!). But really, your post, and those of others, let me know you connected, felt, and listened to me. By that, I am comforted and strengthened.

I don't mean to leave any of you out; I found wisdom in each of your posts and will use the suggestions! Again, thank you, dear Wise Women!! I'm coming back tomorrow!

Hugs, Gram
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: cremebrulee on December 16, 2010, 05:04:10 AM
This was indeed truth and beautiful and a great inspiration to me....thank you....

I was watching a movie last evening, and thought this might be a great thread to share it....it was called, "The Family Stone"

Excellent movie (I thought)  For those of you who have not seen it, it's a must see in my opinion.

Takes place in a fictious Conn. town at Christmas.  Sarah Jessica Parker is an uptight strigent conservative executive from Manhattan, and is serioulsy dating Everette, (Dermot Mulroney), who he and his family are liberal and very rambunctious. 

Sister Amy, is a school teacher, who previously met Meredith and took an instant dislike to her
Thad is a deaf and gay architect who lives in Boston and is adopting a child with his Afraican American Partner
Ben, is a stoner, who makes documentary films and lives in CA and Susannah is a stay at home mom, who has one child and is expecting her second.

Father is played by Craig T. Nelson, and Mother is of course, Diane Keaton. 

There is a serious bond between all the sibblings and they're parents, and fun to observe and I'm a very conservative person, however, thought the movie was done very well.

In one scene (I thought of all of us here in this forum) they're all sitting at the dinner table, and Meredith brings the topic to Mother, Sybil, (Diane Keaton) regarding gays at the table, regarding nature vs. nurture & the gene debate about homosexuality....Sybil says, she wishes all her sons would have been gay....
Meredith then says that she can't see why Sybil would wish her kids to be gay (said jokingly by Sybil, but with Meredith not getting the point across about what she really means about being gay just adding more difficulty for a child and wondering why a parent would wish that on them). Diane Keaton replies, "Then I wouldn't loose any of my sons"

And I thought she had a point....as we all have said many times, we've lost our sons.

So, I thought about it further and have resolved it in my mind...yes, I was very close to my son, yes, he was kind hearted...extremely polite and thoughtful...with a laid back disposition....and yes, many son's marry and the DIL's not only accept they're MIL's but love them and get along fine with their extended families....and yes, some of us have had big problems with our new DIL's and for those of us who have, I just want to say, your in my thoughts and prayers, and I hope someday soon, it all gets better for you.  It is not easy to face the fact that we do loose our sons to a great degree,and life as we know it, will never be the same...and I don't know if this will help any of you, but I've resolved myself to believe, as hurtful as it is....this is life, and life may not always seem fair, however, as life does, it keeps evolving, and change is inevidable....there is life after our son's marry, and we do have a choice....we can stay within the grief of that loss for the rest of our days, and harbor much discomfort and negative emotions towards our new DIL's and son's, or we can simply let go and realize, life must go forward, and we're not going to ever have the same relationship with our son's again...it's normal and meant to be...and if we fight it, we keep loosing, if we accept it we may have an even better relationship with them given time and patience, and a whole lot of giving....meaning, letting go.

People ask me if my son is coming home over Christmas, or if I'm going there to visit him....and I say no....and these people question this, as if, there is something wrong b/c we will not be getting together over Christmas....that hurts me more then anything...that they're response to me, suggests, that they are viewing this as odd...and if they make me feel that way, by continuing the questions, (which by the way, I think is very rude, they are suggesting that this is weird or something) I tell them, "listen, my son, has a wife, and a child and this is his priority....we can't always be together, and I'm no longer his priority and shouldn't be."  His life is now his family...and being with his family and making sure, they are fulfilled, happy and choosing to do what they want most to do over the Holidays, and I not only respect that but support it".   Then I think about all those times I was made to feel, that I HAD to be at my MIL's home, spending every single Holiday with them, and How I hated it, that I couldn't just stay home for the day with my son and husband....and it made me cry a lot...which lead to me actually hating the holidays....because I was afraid, if I'd say no, I'd start a huge what to do, and if I had it to do all over again, yanno what I'd do....
I'd tell my mother in law, way in advance, I'm looking forward to staying home this Christmas and taking our time opening our gifts, and having breakfast together and our very own Christmas dinner together...and if you'd like to come, your more then welcome, however, I really do need to have a peaceful Christmas at home with my family and not worry about running all around living up to the traditions and schedules of everyone else.  By doing so, I lost a whole lot of precious moments with my son....that could have been our very own tradition....

Anyway, when people do that to me, it makes me hurt so much and I cannot believe they are so oblivious to the fact, that everyone thinks differently about things, instead of making me feel odd, b/c my son and DIL are not coming home...where they live is they're home...and again, just proves how primitive some people are in they're thinking, and inability to focus on anything else but they're own beliefs.....just b/c they don't think and feel like I do, they are trying to make me feel like an outsider, or weird, and next time, someone does that to me, I'm going to respond, "What's the matter, do I have one eye and two noses?"

So before I respond in that manner to others, I hope I always keep in mind, that what folks choose do do, to live and be, is they're business, doesn't make them a monster from outer space...

Society isn't always right, and as most of you already know, just b/c someone thinks and feels differently about something, doesn't make them right and you wrong, it's simply about personal culture and what our beliefs and traditions are....

so my lesson out of this is, stop judging, and allowing others to dictate what happiness is for me.  My happiness, isn't they're happiness...and stop looking for approval to be happy...if your going on a vacation, buying a house, having a child, changing jobs, moving out of state, of course, there are those that will not be supportive....a good friend will not look for the negative in your decissions to live life the way you choose to....they will encourage you to go forward and be happy...but if someone is not happy for you, and doesn't encourage you, don't allow it to bring you down, b/c it is out of they're boundaries for happiness, and are afraid to live or do something different....it's they're culture, not yours....so, don't look for appoval to be happy...and in the same, encourage people to move on and support they're decissions, even if it doesn't agree with your belief system....we may learn a whole lot from them, by supporting them....don't be afraid of change, and above all, be well with self....our traditions are not the traditions of others...and in giving (letting go) that is a gift to all involved, which is Godly and will prove only goodness and peace....

Do I miss my son?  Yes, with all my heart...but I never ever want them to feel like I was made to feel, like we HAVE to be together or my life will be ruined....it will not...and they're happiness is my reward and the answer to my prayers....it's no longer about me...no matter how much it hurts....and that to is a choice, how long am I going to allow that hurt to erode my life? 

Gram, I don't know if your feelings are the same as mine, every situation is different, and I don't know if there is anything in this post that will help anyone here, this is simply emotions I've written down on paper that was my personal feelings and experience, of which I'm not stating you should be and feel...it is for me, what works....and simply felt a need to share....may not have a thing to do with any of your situations or how you feel....and meant with much love.

In many of your situations, people treated you badly...which isn't right, but we still have a choice, we can let it consume us and continue to be angry lonely heartbroken women, or we can let it all go, like leaves blowing away in the breeze....and be whole again, in our own way....and utilize what choices we do have.  And to, I also believe a lot of our anger is misdirected anger, due to the way we responded to situations....we are angry at ourselves for allowing it to change our lives to nagative and hurt feelings....? 

Hugs and love
Creme
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: SunnyDays09 on December 16, 2010, 07:25:54 AM
G it sounds like you will have a good balance of people surrounding you.  And I am praying that it is a wonderful time to just be together.  Sometimes the sharing of pain is necessary too.  It's a process.  I am so happy to hear you are staying open and talking and feeling.  That's good.  The journeys we take sometimes have some incredible obstacles to overcome, but you will not be alone.

Keep smiling.  Hoping for best for you and your family. 

~~~Happy
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Gram on December 17, 2010, 12:16:16 AM
Creme, I'm so glad you shared. I do long to be with family on the holidays, although I do remember years when the three kids were young, making the five hour trip to my parents' home, then the 10 hour trip to my husband's parents' home. Sometimes it got to be a bit much. For us, it was something we looked forward to and  a special occasion to share with them. But I definitely understand that we do not all feel that way, and your post makes me  more sensitive to that. Especially if you had a negative experience when your son was young, when you felt forced to get together, I could understand your feelings now. Too bad we just can't all be matched up with relatives that want the same thing we do! You are gracious to allow your son to choose, especially if he feels as you did. I am sorry you have been hurt by insensitive remarks of others. Most of them probably don't realize how it affects you. (Hmmm, that's a good lesson for me too: I tend to think that my son and DIL should really know how much they hurt me, especially since I have told them, but they are not seeing it from my viewpoint, so don't truly "get it.")

HappyDays09, thanks for your encouragement. I still feel a bit shaky about it all, but thanks to all of you, I have taken a deep breath, thought about what is important, and not just what I want, and counted the blessings I have. This will hopefully allow me to enjoy the evening my kids are here on Saturday, as well as help my family to have good memories because of my contribution.

Hugs to all,
Gram
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Pooh on December 17, 2010, 05:28:59 AM
Creme, I can so relate to you on the whole "people asking then looking at you like an alien".  I get asked all the time by people at work, friends and family "So are you getting to see the GD for Christmas when YS comes in?"  And when I say, "No, his visitation was only set through his basic training.  He has to go back to court and get the next year set when he gets a permanent base station."  They always look at me and say things like, "Oh wow...so you guys haven't seen her in a year?  I would do this...or I would do that....there is no way that I would put up with that!"

I usually just smile and say something like, "Well, I hope you are never in this position then, because you will find what you want...gets trumped by the courts."  And then I have to walk off before I start some waterworks. 

I know that they have good intentions.  I know that they mean the best.  But I don't think they realize that by constantly asking, it keeps it in the forefront of my brain.  I want to look at them and say, "You don't think I live every day wanting to see her?  You don't think I KNOW it's been an entire year?  You don't think this is hard enough on all of us without everyone making us feel like we are not doing enough to see her?"

I feel more sorry for my Son though.  I was talking to him last night and he said that everyone in the family that knows he is coming home for a few days at Christmas keep saying, "Oh, so we are going to get to see XXXXX!!!! Yay!"  He said he then has to say, "No, I don't have her by law, and her Mother said No.  So until I finish training and go back to court, I can't see her."  He said they then all start in with the same things on him.  "I would do this....I wouldn't put up with that...I would call her Mother and demand...blah blah blah."  He told me they are making him feel like he is not doing anything and doesn't care.  I had to reassure him that we have done everything (legally) that we can and that we just have to be patient until the next stage of his career.  That he is doing the right thing because he is providing for her and going to make her life better with his choices now.  But that doesn't stop him or me for feeling badly that we can't see her.  I wish people would understand that.
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: cremebrulee on December 17, 2010, 05:38:01 AM
Gram, Please know my thoughts are with you, and I do care...when I write a post, something that someone else writes, sparks an idea or thought in my head, and I tend to ramble on about what I know best, my experiences....not that they are helpful to everyone, however, I always hope that something I write in my posts helps someone...so, please excuse my jibber jabber....LOL

big hugs sent out to you....

creme
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: cremebrulee on December 17, 2010, 05:41:40 AM
Quote from: Pooh on December 17, 2010, 05:28:59 AM
Creme, I can so relate to you on the whole "people asking then looking at you like an alien".  I get asked all the time by people at work, friends and family "So are you getting to see the GD for Christmas when YS comes in?"  And when I say, "No, his visitation was only set through his basic training.  He has to go back to court and get the next year set when he gets a permanent base station."  They always look at me and say things like, "Oh wow...so you guys haven't seen her in a year?  I would do this...or I would do that....there is no way that I would put up with that!"

I usually just smile and say something like, "Well, I hope you are never in this position then, because you will find what you want...gets trumped by the courts."  And then I have to walk off before I start some waterworks. 

I know that they have good intentions.  I know that they mean the best.  But I don't think they realize that by constantly asking, it keeps it in the forefront of my brain.  I want to look at them and say, "You don't think I live every day wanting to see her?  You don't think I KNOW it's been an entire year?  You don't think this is hard enough on all of us without everyone making us feel like we are not doing enough to see her?"

I feel more sorry for my Son though.  I was talking to him last night and he said that everyone in the family that knows he is coming home for a few days at Christmas keep saying, "Oh, so we are going to get to see XXXXX!!!! Yay!"  He said he then has to say, "No, I don't have her by law, and her Mother said No.  So until I finish training and go back to court, I can't see her."  He said they then all start in with the same things on him.  "I would do this....I wouldn't put up with that...I would call her Mother and demand...blah blah blah."  He told me they are making him feel like he is not doing anything and doesn't care.  I had to reassure him that we have done everything (legally) that we can and that we just have to be patient until the next stage of his career.  That he is doing the right thing because he is providing for her and going to make her life better with his choices now.  But that doesn't stop him or me for feeling badly that we can't see her.  I wish people would understand that.

Pooh, I'm so sorry that this is happeneing to your family...
it's funny, how our individual cultures do not allow us to think before we speak...and a lot of times, good thoughts and well being are taken the wrong way.....

When you grow older, you tend to say what you think, I don't know why, it just comes out...guess I'm just so tired of all the bull....yanno...so I tell people, and I don't know if this would be helpful to you and yours, but I say, well, thank you kindly for the advice or for your thoughts, however, talking about it, makes the hurt worse, and every situation is different....

and you would be telling them in a nice way, to back off....?

I do hope things work out Pooh, I really do.

Love and hugs

Creme
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Pooh on December 17, 2010, 05:52:06 AM
Thanks Creme.  I think that is my problem too.  I speak my mind and I know they are just doing the same thing.  And I also truly know that they have good intentions.  No one does it to us to hurt us, they just don't realize because they are not going through it. 

I have a couple of times kind of barked before thinking, "No, and I don't want to discuss it!"  They look stricken and then I end up going back and saying, "Sorry, it's very hard on us and I know you meant well."  That usually does stop it from that person.  I will try your suggestion.

Thanks Creme
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: cremebrulee on December 17, 2010, 05:58:10 AM
Hugs to ya Girlfriend, I totally understand....

and yes, they do mean well....really....but it can be very painful to have to talk about it at times....or to have to answer questions....or explain, and I feel like I don't owe anyone an explaination....unless I want to....

but I know that sounds harsh...and probably a bit to harsh...I'm a cut and dry kinda person, a big big flaw....

so, just know, your in my thoughts and I do care....and hope in the end, it all works out for you and everyone else here....

Love ya hun
Creme
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Gram on December 21, 2010, 02:21:17 AM
An update from me: I had my three kids here for Christmas this past Saturday, along with their spouses and my one GD. With the problem of being kept at a distance from my GD so often, and the confrontations about it that have occurred, it was a bit strained. But thanks to all of you and your encouragement, I kept a smile on my face and interacted with my nine month old GD when I was allowed briefly. The result for me was that I felt much less hurt after they left than I have in the past, and I think maybe I am a tiny bit further along the path of acceptance! It's still so hard, so disappointing, but I believe this approach resulted in the best outcome for all. Blessings to all, Gram
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: Pooh on December 21, 2010, 06:51:19 AM
Yay Gram!  So happy for you!
Title: Re: The Awakening...this gave me hope...
Post by: mareluvsbrig on December 21, 2010, 09:38:23 AM
I loved this.  It really does give me a lot of hope.  Thank you and welcome back, safe and sound.