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Problem Solving => Grandchildren => Topic started by: Jana on March 28, 2011, 08:12:47 PM

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Question: What should I do?
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Title: Sad grandmother
Post by: Jana on March 28, 2011, 08:12:47 PM
Here is my story! I need some help, please!!!!!
My daughter was married two years ago and last year she got pregnant with my first grandchild. I am 72 years old, she is the only child I have. All went along well, until before Christmas, when she got pre eclampsia, that took over her life. She worried all the time, had bouts of depression. She was ordered bed rest, but not total, but she did not want to do anything, just surf on the net for health related problems. I came over every day to cheer her up and she wanted me to be there, also in the hospital. She was in the hospital last two weeks of her pregnancy and it was decided to induce labor month in advance, which was the best alternative for both, mom and the baby. Through the labor, of which she asked me to be present, she had some problems and doctors decided to perform Cesarean section. Her husband is a sweetheart and very supportive in every which way. We get along very well. The baby was born slightly under weight, but not needing steroids for lungs or an incubator.
He stayed in the hospital for few days and she was discharged little earlier. While visiting in the hospital I asked her if I could hold him and she said "no" we have to go, we don't have the time. I did not say anything. Baby came home and is two weeks old and I have not seen him or held him, yet. My husband and I have received one E mail in which we were asked that they would like to lay low for few days, not to visit. In a week we have received another E mail with pretty much the same message, no pictures of the baby. I reply that since we can't see the baby, could we at least have some pictures, we got picture later that day.  I can understand that they need time for themselves, but would half an hour visit from us be too much to ask for? He comes from very large family and has lots of siblings and we think that that could be part of the problem, it would be too overwhelming for my daughter to have so many people. I don't want to call my daughter, when she doesn't call me, yet I am so worried that there is something wrong, she said she felt robbed by having Cesarean. I don't know what to do and I torture myself with all the worries! What if she is depressed, she said her husband gets up and feeds the baby at night. What should I do? Please help!!!!
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: cadagi101 on March 28, 2011, 09:17:34 PM
Quote from: Jana on March 28, 2011, 08:12:47 PM
Here is my story! I need some help, please!!!!!
My daughter was married two years ago and last year she got pregnant with my first grandchild. I am 72 years old, she is the only child I have. All went along well, until before Christmas, when she got pre eclampsia, that took over her life. She worried all the time, had bouts of depression. She was ordered bed rest, but not total, but she did not want to do anything, just surf on the net for health related problems. I came over every day to cheer her up and she wanted me to be there, also in the hospital. She was in the hospital last two weeks of her pregnancy and it was decided to induce labor month in advance, which was the best alternative for both, mom and the baby. Through the labor, of which she asked me to be present, she had some problems and doctors decided to perform Cesarean section. Her husband is a sweetheart and very supportive in every which way. We get along very well. The baby was born slightly under weight, but not needing steroids for lungs or an incubator.
He stayed in the hospital for few days and she was discharged little earlier. While visiting in the hospital I asked her if I could hold him and she said "no" we have to go, we don't have the time. I did not say anything. Baby came home and is two weeks old and I have not seen him or held him, yet. My husband and I have received one E mail in which we were asked that they would like to lay low for few days, not to visit. In a week we have received another E mail with pretty much the same message, no pictures of the baby. I reply that since we can't see the baby, could we at least have some pictures, we got picture later that day.  I can understand that they need time for themselves, but would half an hour visit from us be too much to ask for? He comes from very large family and has lots of siblings and we think that that could be part of the problem, it would be too overwhelming for my daughter to have so many people. I don't want to call my daughter, when she doesn't call me, yet I am so worried that there is something wrong, she said she felt robbed by having Cesarean. I don't know what to do and I torture myself with all the worries! What if she is depressed, she said her husband gets up and feeds the baby at night. What should I do? Please help!!!!

Jana I wish I could offer you more and I am sure someone else will.   My immediate thoughts are...she may have a bit of post natel depression, maybe you could read up on that.       She may feel a failure not haveing had a natural birth, there is so much pressure on mother's to and she said dh feeds baby in the night (which is great)   Dad's are so much more "hands on these days"  not like years ago,  it doesn't wave red flags.   Again the pressure to breastfeed is there as well and it isn't always an option.  I wonder if you breastfed?  Does she see you as having been a mother that took her baby  in her stride, I know I thought my mum was great with her babies and she managed everything else brilliantly plus kept a spotless house......(reality sheck)    If i asked my mother I'm, sure she would tell me a few home truths.      That didn't stop me thinking she was "mother of the year"   

I know i felt like i couldn't live up to mum's standards (imagined)  when I had my baby.

That aside she and dh might just need time to themselves.  You said in your post he is a sweetheart so feel happy that she has his support.  Having a baby is such a huge adjustment dh probably just wants to lay low as well and rightfully so if dd isn't feeling up to visitor's then he should abide by her wishes.   As for sending photo's that can be timeconsuming which is something they do not have.     She sent you an emailing stating her wishes to ligh low so you need to respect her wishes.      If she does need help, she has dh and if she needs you she will ask for you.   

   My dsister  had trouble breastfeeding, and would cry about it, the health nurse would also weigh baby everyday and expressed her concern bub wasn't putting on weight.     I on the other hand told ds not to worry a bit, just offer  now and then when baby wants it she'll feed it'll be Ok.    Mum on the other hand told me with tears in her eyes I feel useless, I can't help her, I think I should go home.   Mum and I travelled 7 hours to see her.   

Can you see the confusion??  In the end we left her and her dh to themselves,  all was well everyone is happy it just took a bit of readjustment on all our parts.     Babies 2 and 3 were a breeze she got into the swing of things, first bub can be a trying time.       Can I also suggest kindly that when you do visit, only if she  asks you to don't clean the house.    You may of course offer, hard as it might be to understand that small gesture shouts out loud and clear to some new mums, oh no my mum doesn't  think I'm coping..chances are she may be feeling like that if baby is demanding and might not sleep well for a few more weeks or months...

I hope this helps a bit, please just try not to worry that something must be terribly wrong with dm or baby.      Chances are everything is fine.     
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: Scoop on March 29, 2011, 05:34:05 AM
Jana - please don't take your daughter's actions personally.  It's not meant as a slight against you.

She could have died at any time in the past few weeks / months.  Her baby could have died.  Of course she's hoarding her time with him, she almost lost him.  You know how sometimes, an emergency happens and you keep it together and you get things done, and then when it's over, you're shaking and crying?  It sounds like she kept it together for months, and now she's having the reaction.

Also, some Moms have a VERY strong reaction when they don't get the birth of their dreams.  They often call it birth-trauma or even birth-rape.  Some of these women end up with PTSD over it.   And you can't compare similar births, saying "well I had a c-section and it didn't trouble me" (not that I think you're saying that, but it's something *I* could say), because it's entirely dependent on the woman and how strong her expectations were for her ideal birth.

One more thing, it's still flu season here.  Premature babies are more susceptible to illness.  She might be afraid of 'germs'.  She already almost lost him and she may not be taking any more chances.

Give her time.  Time will heal her.  As she sees him getting stronger and she sees that she's taking good care of him, she'll come around.  Keep sending her messages of support.  Send over a gift certificate for a take out meal.  Ask her if you can do anything for her.  Tell her that you won't be calling her, for fear of waking her or the baby up, but you welcome her calls at anytime, day or night.
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: overwhelmed123 on March 29, 2011, 06:43:15 AM
Jana,

I agree with Scoop.  There's no sense in feeling slighted by your daughter's actions because they really don't have anything to do with you.  Just make sure she knows you support her and will be there for her if she needs help with anything and give her some time to adjust.  Sounds like she's got a great H who will know if she needs "help."  If you have a good enough relationship with him, you could talk to him directly just to check up on her, meaning ask him how she's feeling and if she's doing okay, and let him know he can call you day or night if he needs anything.
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: Pen on March 29, 2011, 07:37:56 AM
Jana, I'm so sorry you're feeling left out of this time with GS and DD. It's especially painful when your DD wanted you around before his birth but suddenly changed her mind afterwards. I'm concerned about her mental and physical state, and I'm sure that's what's foremost on your mind too. I hope things improve when your DD becomes more confident about the health of her son and her abilities as a mom.

I'm curious about this "perfect birth" syndrome. When DH & I went to birthing classes the instructors taught us to not have expectations that might make us disappointed if the birth didn't go exactly as hoped for. They stressed that sometimes changes must be made for the health of baby and mom, and that all births are beautiful and special in their own way. Do they not cover this in birthing classes nowadays?

And what if a child is born with disabilities - do the parents resent him or her for not being perfect? Is this a trend that mirrors the entitlement many young people exhibit these days? Big, upscale homes and fancy cars from the get go? Designer bags and jewelry? Perfect birth and perfect kid? Unfortunately life dishes out other experiences that are often more rewarding in the long run.

Sorry, got off on a rant. Jana, I truly am sorry you're hurting. Take care of yourself and be ready to go to them when they indicate the time is right. You're a good GM!

Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: L on March 29, 2011, 08:30:13 AM
Congratulations on being a grandmother.  Your daughter is probably just overwhelmed.  A cesarean is a major operation also so she may be totally exhausted.  I really think she is just stressed with it all.  I wouldn't read to much into it.  I would just let her know you love her and are proud of her and if she needs you for anything that you are there and you can't wait to see the baby!  Maybe you could offer to bring over a casserole or food?  Again, congratulations!

Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: lancaster lady on March 29, 2011, 10:25:34 AM
Sad grandmother:

Try not to feel rejected , after the unexpected speedy birth of your GS has been a shock to your DS system .
I can't see how a phone call would hurt , put your mind at rest .as there have been no cross words between you
I can't imagine she would object to a call . If your SIL answers you could speak to him .
There is always attachment parenting which my DIL practised , if she is going down that route , I hope she
lets you know about it .
that cuddle will be all the more special when it comes ...grandma ... :)
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: Pooh on March 29, 2011, 12:51:58 PM
Welcome Jana and congratulations on your GC.  It is very hard to not feel used, when you gave so much during her pregnancy and she welcomed it, and then nothing.  Totally understandable that you are confused, worried and hurt.  We are so excited to be GPs that we have expectations of getting to hold our GC and help.   It is not a purposeful intention to be intrusive, we are just excited and think that is how it works.

I agree with the other ladies here.  There could be many different things going on.  She has been so stressed mentally during this pregnancy and birth, that she probably has just crashed mentally.  And she probably had her own expectations of coming home, running around with the baby, pampering her baby, doing everything, etc., that now that she is so tired, she feels bad she can't do it all.  Give her time and like everyone said, just offer support in any way possible right now.  Don't push it, offer it once and be patient.
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: holliberri on March 29, 2011, 01:35:37 PM
Pen is right about the pressure they place on Moms about that natural delivery. I don't think it's entitlement, but our society does give you the standards you're "supposed" to live up to and depending on the birthing class you take, there's tremendous amount of pushing you to try and give birth one ideal way. I had a nurse say to me on my way into deliver, "You'll give birth like a REAL woman...the natural way." They make it a gold standard: natural, no pain meds, skin to skin contact right away. It's all about bonding and experience and ya-di-ya-di-ya-da.

Well, I failed to jump that hurdle b/c I didn't even go into labor naturally. I was induced, and pitocin is nasty stuff. If I was a little less secure and less of a whimp, I might not have been begging for an epidural so soon, but alas, I'm a whimp, and I didn't care at that point! Then 29 hours later, I was still fighting with the doctor  and telling him that I could deliver naturally. He started laughing at me and left the room to prep for surgery, and said this baby needs out NOW, whether you or her agree with me or not.

And that skin to skin contact immediately after birth? That's a no-go with a c-section. I was like, "My baby won't know who I am...this is the most important part of the bonding process. Where are you taking her??? Can't she stay in here??" The doctor was like, "Um...she needs her nails trimmed and excuse me, CAN YOU EVEN WIGGLE YOUR TOES?"

You know what? DD is totally fine; we're bonded, maybe a little too much AND you know what? I still call myself a real woman.

But still, this affected me for quiet a few weeks; people spent so much time telling me "how to give birth the right way" that I believed them. And, it is an experience that if you have a c-section, you don't get to say you had. It's such an event that I can see where there might even be a grieving process for some women.

I also kept my family at bay, b/c DH agreed to keep his at bay for my sake, so I could see where something like this happened. I'm very sorry Jana, but I do think you'll get to see the GB soon. It's such an upheaval, that I think everyone handles it differently. Good luck. I hope everyone settles in to a smoother rhythm soon.
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: pam1 on March 29, 2011, 02:17:27 PM
I think you will see your GC soon too.  Just give them a little time, these things are so hard b/c everyone is so different.

Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: Jana on March 29, 2011, 02:50:23 PM
Thanks you all for taking the time to explain things from different views. My husband spoke to my daughter today, while I was out and was told that the baby is not gaining weight, in fact lost little bit, D is on high blood pressure prescription drug, which does pass into the maternal milk. He is so tiny about 4 pounds he can't afford to be loosing weight! Nurse did not suggest formula feeding I am worried that the milk is not the best with the medication in it. It is all so hard, when you cannot discuss it, because I am afraid to even touch the subject for fear that she would get mad at me and tell me that it's none of my business. I do think she might be depressed and that must be affecting the baby too! It is such a hopelesss feeling for me! I don't want to ask to come and see the baby, because I respect their wishes, but I fidn it all so hard. After all I want the best for that baby and for everybody involved. I always believed in communication, but my D is the opposite, she just shuts everybody out!
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: lancaster lady on March 29, 2011, 03:03:44 PM
hi Jana
Not sure of the procedure in your country , but here the midwife visits every day till 14 days .
I'm  sure as he is tiny they will keep a watchful eye on him .Are you sure she is breastfeeding? If he doesn't put weight on , I think they will recommend  formula milk .
Once he is thriving , I'm sure she will welcome a visit . She will be so confused and worried that she is doing everything right .
Some new Moms accept help , whilst others don't .
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: holliberri on March 29, 2011, 03:46:35 PM
Jana,

That must be so hard, for you and them. I hope he starts thriving and gaining weight like he should. Make sure you keep us posted. I think you're managing as best you can.
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: Jana on March 29, 2011, 04:58:42 PM
I just phoned my D and offered help and was told the baby has an umbilical cord infection and is not gaining weight, has the same weight as born 10 days ago. I asked if they needed some help and I was told they don't need me to burden them on top of everything else (appointments, feedings and so on). The nurse sees him in community clinic and I can't understand how come they are not concerned with his weight, an umbilical cord infection can also be so serious for little baby like that! My D was telling me that she has headaches and doesn't feel well. As a mother I feel helpless and all I can do is just sit here and cry!
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: L on March 29, 2011, 04:59:29 PM
4 pounds?  I didn't even know you could bring a baby home from the hospital that small.  I thought they had to be at least almost 5 pounds.  My daughter was 5"11 at birth.  Actually, it is not uncommon for babies to lose a little right after birth in beginning before gaining, but not sure if that's the case with a baby only 4 pounds.  Breast milk is best, don't know about her medicine, but I would think she would probably discussed that with the doctor's at the hospital before she went home.

It is natural that you would be worried but try to remain calm and positive.  It will do you or DD no good if you get yourself worried sick.  Give it some time.  You have to let her be the mom.  I'm sure everything will work out.  Take a deep breath, say a prayer, and just call and ask her if she wants you to drop her off a Wendy's burger or something!  Lol!  I know I would not say no to that!  (or whatever your daughter loves to eat!)  Hang in there.  Sending prayers and good thoughts!  :)       
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: L on March 29, 2011, 05:03:43 PM
I've never heard of an umbilical cord infection.  Is that what the doctor told them?  All you can do is tell them you think that perhaps they need to get the baby to a doctor as soon as possible if they haven't already.  Then it's up to them.  So sorry. 
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: pam1 on March 29, 2011, 05:07:38 PM
Quote from: Jana on March 29, 2011, 04:58:42 PM
I just phoned my D and offered help and was told the baby has an umbilical cord infection and is not gaining weight, has the same weight as born 10 days ago. I asked if they needed some help and I was told they don't need me to burden them on top of everything else (appointments, feedings and so on). The nurse sees him in community clinic and I can't understand how come they are not concerned with his weight, an umbilical cord infection can also be so serious for little baby like that! My D was telling me that she has headaches and doesn't feel well. As a mother I feel helpless and all I can do is just sit here and cry!

Do they have a meal service where you live?  Maybe you can provide something like that for a week or two.  My parents did that for me and I was so, so, so grateful.  I didn't say it at the time but I was so bone tired I couldn't even fix myself something to eat.  (DD was a preemie too and had to eat like every hour and all the meds, so stressful)
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: jill on March 29, 2011, 05:17:34 PM
Jana,
Congratulations on the birth of your grandson.  As everyone knows bringing a newborn home from the hospital is one of the most stressful times of your life.  It takes a while to settle in.  If she is seeing a nurse I am sure they will have everything under control.  Stress can really affect milk supply, so if he is not getting enough, I would think the nurse would recommend a supplement.
When my first gs was born my  ydd was determined to nurse which she did, but he did not gain much at first, I remember thinking how skinny he was.  I think she took something to increase milk supply and then he started gaining.
It sounds like your dd is really stressed, she probably also feels she wants to do this on her own, without any advice from anyone.  I am sure everything will be fine, he will turn a corner, and start gaining by leaps and bounds.  Best wishes....Jill
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: LaurieS on March 29, 2011, 05:19:53 PM
Quote from: jill on March 29, 2011, 05:17:34 PM
As everyone knows bringing a newborn home from the hospital is one of the most stressful times of your life.  It takes a while to settle in.

Are are allowed to say Amen!!!!
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: Scoop on March 30, 2011, 05:37:14 AM
And Laurie, can you imagine how stressful it is to bring a teeny-tiny 4 lb newborn home, when you're feeling like garbage?  My DD was 7.5 lbs and that's almost TWICE as big as Jana's new GS.  Oh that poor woman.

Also Jana, maybe your DD doesn't want to burden you with 'work' around her house.  If she thinks of you as 'frail' in anyway, she won't be asking you to vacuum or do laundry.

Jana, is there a dish that you make that DD likes (and can eat one-handed while nursing the baby)?  Talk to your SnIL and see if you can bring it over.

As for the meds & the milk, please don't worry about that.  There are blood pressure meds that are safe for pregnant and nursing women.  However, if it's the one I think it is, it makes you feel AWFUL.  Your poor DD is certainly having a rough start at motherhood!  She should be at home nursing a fat & sassy baby, and here, she feels like garbage, and her poor skinny baby is sick.  I really feel badly for her and I hope things turn around soon.
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: Pooh on March 30, 2011, 07:03:21 AM
Good job Jana.  You called and offered and they said no.  That's all you can do at the moment.  Wait for them, although I know it's hard because you are just worried about the GB and DD. 

I was going to breastfeed, but when I got my OS home, he would feed and then start screaming within 30 minutes.  I forget the technical term right now, but I was producing the stuff you do for the first few days, which is then supposed to be followed by milk.  (I'm so glad you all know what I was referring to...Lol.)  So by the time he fed for a while, then screamed 30 minutes later, I was feeding every hour.  On top of that, anyone that does this knows, it is not the most comfortable feeling in the world at first!  So I was literally looking at him going, "Seriously, you have got to be kidding."  I was miserable, he was miserable. I was exhausted, but nobody could help me with it because I was having to keep him on my chest constantly.  I am 100% I probably snapped at my Mother, my MIL, my DH, the TV, passing cars, the garbage man......because I had absolutely no sleep for days.  Plus, as Holli was talking about, I had the most spectacluar vision of doing natural birth.  No medicine, nada.  Oh, I was superwoman for 36 hours and did it all natural.  I am not bragging.....I am reminding myself how stupid I was!  What they don't tell you is that you can do it all natural, but if you tear....yeah, which I did badly in four directions, you now have to have shots (down there) that made me come out of the bed!  I had 72 stiches, so the last thing I wanted to do, was sit down. 

This went on for 3 days, and he was soooo hungry all the time, and I was in such pain from feeding constantly.  I called my midwife and she had me come in.  He was losing weight and turns out, my milk wouldn't come in.  They gave me pills to help, and two days later, nothing.  So I had to put him on formula.  I felt like a total failure, was hurting, exhausted and I am sure what we would call depressed over the whole thing.

So if this is happening with you DD, plus on top of that, the baby is having some medical issues that she is worried to death about, plus the C-section, plus still reeling for all the months on bed rest.....bless her heart.  I know you just want to help them and have the best intentions, but she probably sees everyone right now as something else for her to deal with.  When you are in that state of mind, you don't see it as help, even if it is.

You are going to be a great GM Jana, and they just need time.  They know they call you any time, day or night and you would do anything for them.  They know it.

(And for future reference, second child?  You bet your bottom dollar I planned for an epidural when I was 6 weeks pregnant!)
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: pam1 on March 30, 2011, 07:13:02 AM
OMG Pooh.  I used to be upset because I didn't tear at all...lol (DD was under 5 lbs too) and it made me think I was a freak down there.  But now, I'm so glad after reading what you went through.  Oh my, how painful.  Of course you'd snap at everyone, yikes. 

Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: Pooh on March 30, 2011, 07:18:33 AM
My OS weight 7lb 14 oz and had a head the size of a basketball!  He did eventually grow into it thank goodness.  ;D

Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: pam1 on March 30, 2011, 07:35:04 AM
I measured one of my younger brothers heads (he's 10 years younger than me) when he was 3 and it was bigger than mine, much bigger.  He's very smart lol but dang, I can't imagine that. 

Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: Pooh on March 30, 2011, 08:04:24 AM
Well I don't consider myself naive, but I remember yelling at her, "You're gonna put that needle where?????????"
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: LaurieS on March 30, 2011, 08:35:47 AM
Jana... I too developed severe preeclampsia with my first child, while he was full term, he was only 4.4 lbs and 17" long.  It was a struggle as he was also born without a sucking reflex.... my baby had to stay in the hospital for a few days  after I was discharged.  The day I brought him home he was 4.8 lbs and I was exhausted... I don't know if I felt like a failure but I do know that I felt guilty about the obvious, which was I did not give my son what he needed during his development.  Natural things like breastfeeding became a chore.. first the no sucking reflex.. then we weren't together, then pure exhaustion kicked in.

I asked my mother not to come up to soon after my first was born... I had my mil with me because I really needed the kind of help that she could offer.. my mil is a one woman cleaning machine, fantastic cook and I knew that my dh would be more at ease with his mother being around then to feel like he had to in part entertain my mother.  It didn't dawn on me at first but my dh was as exhausted as I was.. mentally and physically.. looking back no one took that into consideration.

It took me 3 weeks to begin to feel like a whole person again... it was 3 weeks before I could breath easier around my new baby and begin to feel truly comfortable in this role of mother.  Give your  daughter a little more time, she may just be struggling and if she is suffering from any form of depression it will add a cloud that she will have to fight through as well. 

What you can do for her is to let her know that you are there if needed.. encourage her to speak honestly with her own doctor as well as her pediatrician, especially if she is feeling the weight of depression.  Offer to have meals delivered, or what I would have loved was to have a cleaning service come in every so often for the first 3 months.  Find out what your sil needs as well..I'm sure he is getting stretched thin.. a complimentary lawn mowing for a month.. sometimes it's the little things that seem to add up when you are so short on time.  I do feel that encouraging her to understand that postnatal depression even in mild doses needs to be addressed by her physician.

Wishing you and your daughter luck... Be patient, I'm sure she'll come around when she feels that she has retained some control in her life.
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: Pen on March 30, 2011, 08:40:16 AM
Quote from: Pooh on March 30, 2011, 07:18:33 AM
My OS weight 7lb 14 oz and had a head the size of a basketball!  He did eventually grow into it thank goodness.  ;D

If he gives you any guff about doing what you ask, just remind him about his big head....he'll get the point, LOL. "Eewww, Mom!"
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: holliberri on March 30, 2011, 08:41:55 AM
Tagging onto what Laurie said: I had a great c-section recovery and wasn't in a lot of pain, and my baby was formula fed, slept great, ate great and wasn't fussy for the first few weeks.

She was perfect, for some reason, I was not. I was exhausted. It was the biggest culture shock for  me, and it took place in my very own home. I appreciate that downtime I had to recover myself, even if only mentally/emotionally. It was 6 weeks before I was ready for visitors. DH was also totally exhausted too. And more people around tends to add to our frustrations and  stress, so we both agreed on that ground rule.
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: lancaster lady on March 30, 2011, 10:56:27 AM
You all know my story ....new born baby was a no go area for me .
I know how helpless you feel Jana , but he will be getting the best medical help available .
If they think he is in trouble , the medics will step in immediately , they won't let his weight
drop for too long .
Babies are strong little things and tougher than we think .
Let us know how he's doing when you get some news ....LL
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: luise.volta on March 30, 2011, 03:44:30 PM
We are in your corner. Step back. It feels like it is aobut you but it isn't. Take a deep breath. Sending love...
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: Jana on March 31, 2011, 08:21:51 PM
Today is 14 days since my GS was born and I only saw him in the hospital, when he was born. I talked to my D, asked her how she is, how is the baby, she said that he gained tiny bit of weight and has infection of the umbillical cord. Last night I couldn't not sleep. I kept thinking about everybody and just feeling sad. Altought I am up i n the age I am very active and I could be of lots of use, my health is excellent. There was no word of her inviting my husband or I to visit. I did not say anything, but it is very hard for me to deal with. I think the unknown is what is worst, if I could see them both that they are OK I would feel better. It is very hard after being in contact with my D every day for month and a half when she was sick before birth and then not to be contacted at all, even once a week. I really try to be understanding, but it gets to me.
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: jill on March 31, 2011, 08:58:27 PM
Hi Jana,
Hang in there, I can understand your worry, when we become grandmothers, it's another little person to worry about.  They are always in our heart.  It is a big change for your dd, she has so much to contend with.  I am sure she knows she can call you if need be.  He has gained a little bit which is good.  Take care.....................Jill
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: Nana on March 31, 2011, 09:22:47 PM
Cheer up Jana

Your daughter, at this moment need alone time with baby.  You as a mother want what is best for you.  There will be plenty of time to see and hold your precious gc.   Dont take it personal, your daughter is dealing with a lot.  I am sure she does not want or intend to hurt you.  We, as mothers,  need to be needed but ...she is a big girl now.  It is a good sign of maturity that she wants to be on her own for now.   You dont know what is in her mind.  Both will be fine.

Wishing the best of luck

Love
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: L on March 31, 2011, 09:49:32 PM
Jana, hang in there.  I know you want to see her and your GS.  Maybe she is just totally exhausted from the birth and everything.  I hope you do get to see her and the baby soon.  I guess there isn't much you can do.  She knows you love her and that you are there. I'll bet everything will work out fine.  At least she is talking with you on the phone so you know she is o.k.  Hang in there! 
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: Pen on March 31, 2011, 09:53:45 PM
Jana, I'm sorry you're still not able to help your DD and see the baby. Your DD is lucky to have you, and I hope she feels up to a visit soon. Maybe she'll realize how comforting and helpful you could be. What can you do to keep busy in the meantime?
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: luise.volta on March 31, 2011, 09:57:01 PM
Do your best not to "feel" pressure. She will pick it up. Feel gratitude. Keep swimming in gratitude regarding this miracle. Sending love...
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: Jana on April 04, 2011, 02:10:40 PM
Last Friday we got invited to visit my D and GS. We were invited for 7 pm, we brought some gifts and food. We visited for about an hour. My D was not talking at all, my SIL gave us the baby to hold and was really friendly. Through all of an hour my D did not speak at all when I asked some questions she did answer n mono syllables. I felt not welcomed and so did my husband, it felt like visit to someone we hardly know. I just can't understand what's going on other then I think my D is depressed, when I asked her she said no. This behaviour started the day of the birth of the baby. Before when I went to see her to visit in the hospital she called me every day to come and said many times she wanted me in the delivery room. The day she was induced I came to see her in the morning, no sooner I sat down, she asked me how long I plan on staying, so I said as long as you want me to, she did not answer, so I left soon after, my SIL was there, so I figured they wanted to be by themselves.
Ever since this silent treatment, all she keeps saying that she has high blood pressure and headache, when I call her, which I try not to often., because I don't want to impose on them, but still I am worried about her and don't know what to do. Even from few things that my SIL said things are not as they should be between them. I know she is an adult, but she is still my child and I worry that she is depressed and needs help. She had major anxiety attacs before. How can I help? We are not the only one feeling left out, it's my SIL family, her friends, everybody!
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: LaurieS on April 04, 2011, 02:30:46 PM
It's up to your sil and her doctor to take charge and get her the obvious help she needs.  As her mother you do have the right to ask your sil if he has had any concerns since the birth of his child.  She needs to be evaluated by a medical professional, you got to see her condition first hand if she needs help encourage your sil to take the first step.  This is just my opinion, you could be dealing with a situation which may be dangerous for your daughter and/or her child.
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: lancaster lady on April 04, 2011, 02:56:56 PM
Jana;
I'm so pleased you at last got to see your GS , who gave the invite ? your SIL or DD ?
Also do you have any concerns about who is looking after the baby ? As your DD is clearly not well , is she able to look after
him ? Some mothers are not able to bond with their newborns , also she maybe blaming him for her illness .
If it were my daughter , I would have to make sure that all is well with her and the baby , regardless if she wanted me to
or not .If she won't discuss it with you , you must approach your SIL and ask what treatment she is receiving .Also is the
baby still being monitored .
As you say this is so out of character for her , she obviously is finding it all too stressful .I understand she doesn't want an audience , but as her Mom you should be there . IMHO.
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: Jana on April 04, 2011, 03:32:04 PM
The invite came from my daughter,  becasue my husband had birthday. The baby is doing OK, she breasfeeds during the day and my SIL feeds him every two hours at night. Now he is back to work, so I don't know how is he going to manage. I am trying to get hold of him at work, so I can talk to him in private. I myself question the bonding since things have not turned out the way she wanted and she is a perfections. Bu, really short from talking to my SIL can't do much of anything else, because she is closed to all the help we offer and won't even say what bothers her.
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: L on April 04, 2011, 04:26:15 PM
I agree with the other posts you got.  If your daughter is saying she is having a headache constantly that's not normal.  She would probably do good to get checked out by a doctor.  Just try to reassure your DD that everything will work out.  She is overwhelmed.  Glad you got to see your GS.  Congratulations!  I hope your daughter gets back to her old self soon.  Maybe she just feels horrible physically and it's affecting her mentally.  It's hard with a new baby.  that's great that the SIL gets up to feed baby at night!  :) Sounds like a good dad.  Take care.
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: holliberri on April 04, 2011, 04:45:30 PM
Er...not to be an alarmist, but most people I know with HBP take headaches very seriously and go right to the emergency room. I'm so sorry she is overwhelmed, probably depressed and also not 100% healthy. I am thinking of you Jana. I'm sorry the visit didn't assuage your fears but added to them. I think if the red flags are there, you need to talk to SIL.

He may think this is quite normal after a pregnancy. They talk so much about hormones and everything else that there is a very fine line between what is normal and what is not afterwards.
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: jill on April 04, 2011, 06:51:44 PM
Hi Jana,
I am so glad you got to see and hold your grandson.  Could your daughter be suffering from post partum depression?  I don't know much about it, but it is apparently quite common.  I would keep in constant touch with your SIL to see how she is doing.  Is she seeing her doctor because of the headaches?  She has been through a lot, a difficult pregnancy and delivery, and baby being underweight.  I would keep checking on her........................Jill
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: Pooh on April 05, 2011, 05:28:04 AM
It is good news that she called you Jana.  Even if it was because of a birthday, that means she is keeping up.  I'm so glad you got to see GS and hold him.  I'm with the others, keep in touch with SIL.
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: Jana on April 18, 2011, 04:58:53 PM
Today my GS is month old. We have no contact with our daughter or SIL. When I tried to call my SIL to work, being concerned about post partum depression I was told by my D that he will be no mediator between us. Yet she won't hear me out. She tells me that I don't offer help, every time I went to their place I brought food, baking. How can I help when she won't see anybody in the family including in laws. I am to the point I feel depression coming on. In a month of GS life I have only seen him hour and and another ocassion 15 minutes. After the visit I was told that all I do is fawn over the child, well who wouldn't when you don't see him hardly at all. I asked my D how she feels "fine" is the answer, no more converasation from her part.  It is heartbreaking specially after being so close before the birth! How can I uderstand, why is he closing doors on everybody around her and mainly I am so worried about her health!
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: Pen on April 18, 2011, 05:04:11 PM
Jana, so sorry to hear this. I have a feeling your DD is sad too. Perhaps a way to close this gap will show itself soon. Best wishes.
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: holliberri on April 18, 2011, 06:14:25 PM
I am so sorry, Jana. I do believe that if you feel depression coming on, you need to try and focus on making sure you are okay, regardless of the unfortunate state that seems to be at the moment.  I find it hard to believe that you fawned all over the baby for the time that you saw him when you clearly picked up on signs of distress from your DD. Not that it matters, but I was just pointing out the fact that generally, when I feel people are "fawning" over my DD, they are a.) ignoring the needs of DD and b.) totally unaware of my discomfort  at time and c.) DH gets frustrated b/c he would like to have a quasi-adult conversation even though the baby happens to be in the room.

Your second to last post made it seem like you very aware of the situation going on around you, and that above all you were more concerned for your DD than anything else.  While I don't think the amount of time you spent with your GS is unusual (especially given that no one else has been over, if I understood your post correctly), either; your explanation of your DD's behavior does seem concerning. It would be more understandable if you were there for an 1 hour and 15 minutes and everything was totally fine.

I do hope that something will avail itself to you; I think your DD might need it more than anyone.
Title: Re: Sad grandmother
Post by: jill on April 18, 2011, 06:22:37 PM
Hi Jana,
So sorry this problem is ongoing.  It sounds like your dd has a severe case of post-partum depression, is there any way you can contact her doctor, to put your mind at ease.  Is baby gaining okay now?  I know how you feel, worrying about your dd and grandson......Jill