I will try to make this as short as possible. My DS is married for 3 years . I have a granddaughter who will be 10 months old in September, 2011. 9 months ago,My DH and I invited my DS, DIL and grand daughter to spend part of our yearly week in Maui with us. I spoke to my DS only to make the invite ( which I now know was a mistake..I should have talked to both of them) My son said yes..it would be a great time for us to bond with our GD for several days in a row since we live far away and are only able to see GD 1-2 times per month. Now my daughter-in-law tells me that she and DS and GD are coming to Hawaii (BTW, her parents invited themselves without talking to DH and me and they see the baby everyday)and will only be able to see us one day since our vacations now overlap. We can't change our vacation dates because it is a fixed week at a timeshare. My DH and I are very upset and I want to talk to both my DIL and DH and tell them how disappointed we are...but I just don't know if I should say ANYTHING. My DH wants to call our DS and tell them what spoiled brats they are and how dare her parents invite themselves and that we are treated like 2nd class citizens (My DIL is very immeshed with her parents and she and my DS work with her parents. Her parents are also very wealthy. I need some advice!!! HELP!!!
Welcome - I personally would tread very carefully since the deck is already stacked in their favor and you don't want to start WW lll and see even less of them. Others may not agree with me but I would just put up with it and write it off as a lesson. You have learned that you need to communicate more clearly with them both. However, I'm not sure that will change anything in the future. It may already be a set pattern of her family dominating everything they do and everywhere they go.
Money talks, employment talks, proximity talks. Sad but true. Sending love...
I wouldn't call and use the phrase "spoiled brats" although I think they are.
I think the wealth effect is hard to fight. I would lower my expectations for them. We are on this forum because our sons, daughters and their spouses aren't always interested in spending time with us and sometimes use the grandchildren as a weapon.
I have learned that hope and expectations can lead to disappointment and resentment.
Good luck, and don't be afraid to surrogate grandparent some other young kids in your neighbourhood, biology isn't everything.
This dynamic is familiar to me as well. Unfortunately I think no matter what you say or how you say it you'll end up looking like a bitter, jealous, & whiney person which will justify any future poor treatment of you by DIL & her FOO. I'm so sorry your hard-earned vacation isn't turning out the way you'd hoped. Scream into a pillow, take a long walk, post here, whatever you need to do...but don't say anything to DS, DIL, or her Ps. That's just my opinion.
Hi GM.....
I would look on this a s a learning curve , and goodness knows how long they can be !
Just enjoy the one day you will have , and don't let this spoil your holiday .
There will be other times , and holidays to share .
Are they aware that you would like to see more of your GD ? Sometimes these things go unnoticed . However once or twice a
month is considered normal , or generous on this Forum .
Enjoy this holiday , and plan the next one , now you know what not to do .....:)
Welcome GM. If you haven't had a chance to do so, please read the "Forum Agreement" under "Open Me First". There is nothing wrong with your post, we just ask all new members to read it.
I'm with the others. I'm afraid anything you say will make things worse. Since you recognize that DIL is so involved with her FOO, then she is just acting normal. It's not fair, it doesn't make it feel any better, but it is what it is. The only person that will be able to resolve this is your DS.
I have to ask, are they trying to stay at your home? Since you said that they invited themselves without talking to you or your DH? I'm asking because if they are not, well then I'm not understanding why you would think they should have asked you. If they are, well then that is where you do have some say so. I do understand that DS and/or DIL should have called after DS already made plans with you and apologized for changing plans on you.
As far as you asking DS and not DIL, I'm not going to say much on that as we have had that discussion here before. IMO, I think it is fine for a Mother to ask her Son about plans without asking DIL. DS should have told you that he would talk to DIL and get back with you. DIL has a right to be upset with DS for saying they would do something with you without talking to her first. She should be upset at DS, not you. I always say that's a DS/DIL problem and should work both ways.
I don't think you should say anything and please try to get over your feelings of hurt and betrayal before you see them next. You want your time with them to be pleasant, not fraught with negative emotions just under the surface. People don't like to be around angry people.
I bet it never occurred to them that her Ps shouldn't come along. They don't get the whole GP thing and wouldn't think that this was just a vacation for his side of the family. Try not to think the worst of them. Just assume they did it out of ignorance and let it go. Next time make it clear that the invitation only extends to DS, DIL and GC.
Poo is right, you didn't do anything wrong by asking just your DS, but he should have consulted with his W before committing to anything. That is between them. Next time, if you extend an invitation to you DS, you should say, "Let me know what your answer is after you talk to DIL."
DH and I are going to be struggling with something like this when we go see SD this winter. Last time we made the trip, we met them at MIL's home. This meant the entire clan was there for a week and the clan is huge (DH has 6 siblings and they all have kids). It was great seeing them, but we didn't really get any one on one time with GD or SD and SIL. This time, we want to visit them alone, but his parents live about 6 hours away from SD and if they find out we are going to be there, they will come and probably bring along some kids and grandkids. This will mean that DH and I will just be another couple of adults in the room to GD. We really don't want this, we want to spend as much time as we can with just SD and her little family. I don't know how DH is going to handle this with SD, because if MIL finds out, it will be from SD.
Before you ask, DH and MIL are not close and for that to change they would both have to unbend a bit, and neither is willing to do that. FIL simply isn't that into DH. So, not seeing them is what he wants, because MIL will create drama that he wants to avoid. She would make the trip all about her. I don't mind them. We aren't close and that is because we live so far away, but I don't dislike them and we get along when we see each other.
The two things I think you need to avoid here is carrying your anger and hurt feelings around and letting them fester. All it harms is you. And, don't make this all about you. Essentially, don't be needy or demanding. These two things easy to do, but they are bad mistakes in MIL land. By being that kind of person, you become someone who is difficult to be around, and the consequence is that no one will be around you. You will lose exactly what you want so badly. So, let the anger and hurt feelings go and enjoy what time you have with them. Make sure that they enjoy every second they are with you so that they will want to come back and will regret scheduling things the way they did.
Take the high road. Take the classy road. Prepare a picnic lunch for everyone, including her Ps, and revel in how great and generous you are!! Enjoy your day!!
Welcome - amflautist!
I read your post a few times and I can understand your disappointment. Though you won't get the vacation you want, it does sound like you do get to see your GD on a semi regular basis. Without knowing too many details, it just sounds like your DS and DIL weren't thinking. If your relationship is normally ok, they may just not understand how much this meant to you. Sometimes it's hard to think outside of our own feelings and thought processes. It does just seem like ignorance to me. Next time perhaps be clearer about what you are really looking for and depending on how your DS is with communicating, involve your DIL.
Welcome amflautist. Welcome GM. If you haven't had a chance to do so, please read the "Forum Agreement" under "Open Me First". There is nothing wrong with your post, we just ask all new members to read it.
Are you paying for their vacation?
Are they staying with you?
Did you tell DS, right away, that you're disappointed you won't get to spend more time with them?
Today I came up against a similar, yet smaller in scope, situation and I should have taken my own advice to shut up and let it go.
DS & DIL made plans with us to attend an event. A few days ago I asked if they wanted to get together for a bit beforehand since we wouldn't be able to visit once the event got rolling. We didn't solidify plans, but DS knew for sure that DH & I were hoping for more time w/them. It turns out they will be hanging out with DIL's FOO (apparently it just now came up) and won't have time to visit w/us beforehand.
I said something. Yup, I knew I shouldn't, but I'm sick and tired of being pushed aside in favor of DIL's fabulous FOO. I totally get that DS & DIL would rather hang out in fabulousness than come to our house, but it still hurts and I'm having a hard time getting over it. >:( I hope I can keep my emotions and words in check when we do see them later! The thing is, I must accept that this is how it is and forever will be, since we cannot ever hope to provide the same goodies DIL's FOO can.
Thanks all for being here...just when I think I'm progressing I take a few steps back; so grateful to have a safe place to admit it.
I think of the song in the Disney movie - Alice in Wonderland - that came out in the 50s..."I give myself very good advice but I very seldom follow it. That's explains the trouble I am always in..."
My theme song, Pen.
Pen :
I think you should speak up ...if you don't , they might think you are perfectly happy with the situation .
I couldn't stand my situation any more ...hence the showdown .
Then they noticed me , that's for sure !
Quote from: Pen on July 04, 2011, 10:51:13 AM
I said something. Yup, I knew I shouldn't, but I'm sick and tired of being pushed aside in favor of DIL's fabulous FOO. I totally get that DS & DIL would rather hang out in fabulousness than come to our house, but it still hurts and I'm having a hard time getting over it. >:(
You said something here that rings bells for me. Right now, I don't get any chance to complain, because DIL won't have anything to do with DH and me. But --- when and if the time comes --- I think I would want to complain about unequal treatment also. I think I would probably do exactly as you did.
I vacillate between ennui, dislike and nuts-to-you-lady feelings for DIL. Last week I was discussing the fact that I want to get myself in better mental tune, so that I could accept DIL graciously if she ever agrees to darken my doorstep. (Fat chance!) This week, well ... clearly I'm not making any progress on my program. This week I am in an argumentative mood. Good thing they are with the FOO, and not here.
Amflautist, sorry you're in a funk this week. Let's say our two steps back are just momentary glitches in our progress, OK? It really doesn't hurt our DILs or DSs when we are bothered by this stuff, which makes me even more upset, lol.
LL, I'm just afraid that one day I'll say just enough of the wrong thing, even without meaning to, and that will be that. DH would be furious if he couldn't see DS again over my mistake. I couldn't bear it.
It seems grossly unfair that I have to choose between sticking up for myself and losing DS, or squelching my thoughts and maintaining what is passing for a relationship right now. I know, I know, life is unfair.
Wish me luck - we'll be seeing them soon, briefly.
sorry Pen it has to be like that ...I know how you feel , and how frustrated and heartbroken it can be at times .Who would have thought that my family would be moving in with me ?...not in a hundred years ..!
Now my Ds doesn't care what his partner's FOO think .Perhaps your day will come too .
Meanwhile enjoy each moment together , and be the happy grandma .....even though it's through clenched teeth ....lol
Quote from: Pen on July 04, 2011, 01:42:43 PM
Wish me luck - we'll be seeing them soon, briefly.
Briefly trumps not at all...
And with that thought, I happily wish you Good Luck!
Quote from: lancaster lady on July 04, 2011, 02:22:35 PM
Who would have thought that my family would be moving in with me ?...not in a hundred years ..!
Now my Ds doesn't care what his partner's FOO think .Perhaps your day will come too .
Meanwhile enjoy each moment together , and be the happy grandma .....even though it's through clenched teeth ....lol
Moving in with you? Ouch! I hope you have a good relationship with your DIL. Maybe this is the time to buy the camper you discussed earlier today, so you can hide out when needed. Good Luck to you too!
Pen
Regardless of your son/dil unequal treatment of their parents....you still know that you are very valuable and unique. Good if your dil's foo have a lot to give them....but that doesnt put you in a second category. I give a lot to my son/dil and gks because I work and earn my own money....and love to share with them and see that my gks have all they need. I am just observing and jump up to help them solve any monetary problem they are dealing with. Dil and ds are very grateful.....but they dont put us first....or last....we are just the same for them--. their parents and their children's gps. It is how it should be. We all give what we have....nothing more nothing less. I would love my grandkids remember me when I am gone not for the toys or things I bought them....but for the time and love I gave them.
Life have many turns....and your son/dil (specially your son ) has a lot of growing to do. And I say your son....because he is the one your raised and the one should care about your feelings. They still dont know what the things that matter are.
You are great Pen... cheer up....theirs is the loss.
Love
Amflautist ...... my future DIL .....is the reason I found this site ! If you have a spare hour ,you could go and read.my posts from 6 months ago ....lol They are moving in with me because I love my DS and GD and she is part of the package . I hope in my heart this works out and it doesn't blow up in my face . They are also getting married next month ! ! This is a temporary solution to a huge financial problem ........Hmmmm get the straight jacket ready ,I may need one ......lol
I hope everything went well during your visit Pen! I know we say that saying nothing is better than causing a possible big ruckus, but there are times that you do have to speak up. I am a firm believer (because been there, done that) that if you just clamp down and never say anything, it will fester and boil and then then something small will cause you to explode eventually. It's human nature Pen, nothing about you. Sometimes, I believe you have to say something, even if you know it will do no good, for yourself.
My Mother always said, "Pick your battles"
Just prior to finding WWU, I sent dd a "long" letter. I was shaking in my boots till I heard back from her. Thankfully, she wasn't upset; in fact, she blew off the majority of it. The one thing she admitted to was understanding that we want to see the gc more often. That hasn't happened, in fact, it's worse, but that's partly because I've stepped back. She knows exactly how we feel though & she knows the ball is in her court. It took about 2 weeks to write it, and I meant every word. I have no regrets. I know I tried. But we miss them all the same.
Pen, I hope your day went better than expected. Without communication, I sometimes wonder how anything gets resolved.
Thanks guys. It was short and sweet, I managed to make only agreeable, pleasant comments when needed. Life goes on, we're slowly being faded out, I've just got to accept it. Really, there's no other option.
The goodies DIL's FOO can provide are too enticing. DS is theirs now. There's no solution, it is the way it is. We will be the fringe family, hardly a photo in a scrapbook... you know, the odd bunch no one really knows about, the page you flip past on your way to the 'real family' stuff.
No one wants to feel as if the bulk of their years add up to nothing. I must come to grips and make some sort of stand, but don't know what yet.
Quote from: Pen on July 05, 2011, 08:54:51 AM
Life goes on, we're slowly being faded out, I've just got to accept it.
If you don't mind, think I will adopt that philosophy.
Quote from: Pen on July 05, 2011, 08:54:51 AM
The goodies DIL's FOO can provide are too enticing. DS is theirs now. There's no solution, it is the way it is. We will be the fringe family, hardly a photo in a scrapbook... you know, the odd bunch no one really knows about, the page you flip past on your way to the 'real family' stuff.
You say it with such good humuor. I'm in the same boat, and in need of your humour. I think I'd like to have a set of notecards with this saying. Or maybe a fridge magnet, or a rubber mat to set in front of the kitchen sink.
It seems to me that there is some kind of right of passage in acceptance. A blossoming of the soul.
And for things to blossom, there must be rain...hence my tears the last couple of days :'(
I think in my situation it all happened so fast, I wasn't prepared. These past couple of years have been a whirlwind. DH deserves a wife who is all there, not one who is sad and focused on missing DS. DH tends to blame himself when I'm not happy, and I do not want him to feel like a failure over our inability to keep up with the ILs.
It's up to me to deal with it, be brave, smile...and ultimately accept it. Whew. Definitely not there yet.
Yes, the rain. So necessary. Sending love...
After my last posting here, I spent an hour with Charlie Rose and David McCullough
http://www.charlierose.com/view/interview/9000
Pen's wisdom, plus McCullough's perspective. I am renewed.
Dear Pen :
don't give up on your DS , he might need you one day .
do you think he knows how you are feeling these days ?
I know these last two years have been hard for you , but I don't think he wants you out of his life .
Please don't let her win , and fight for your GK's ......shout louder , then they can't ignore you !
Sending Hugs ..... :)
Your a dear, sweet women Pen. Hang in there! There is a whole life waiting on you out there!
Thanks, guys. It's a journey.
Amflautist, the last time my name and David McCullough's were in the same sentence, a librarian had sent an overdue notice, lol. Wow, what great company I'm in - McCullough, Charlie Rose, and all of you WWU! ;D
The feelings of rejection are just so acutely painful. We are so tender toward our children, whatever their age, and to feel that we are no longer important or relevant is the hardest thing in the world for me to come to terms with. I really doubt if your DS and dil even have a clue what they are doing to you emotionally, pen. It seems people have to 'grow a soul' before real empathy kicks in, and this usually comes either with age or with getting enough punches from life that you learn to stop and think. I encourage you one mother to another to try and not catastrophize this situation. Goodies lose the appeal with age and maturity. Then wisdom and life experience become more valuable. I can't erase the pain I feel from my own child's rejection, but I can keep telling myself when it hurts the most that my job is done now as a parent and the ball is in his court.
Nice post, Ruth.
You know, I don't want to parent him any longer but I would love to discuss topics in his field with him. He and I shared many interests, one of which ended up being his major in college. I guess I just miss him, the way I'd miss any close friend or relative who moved away, with the added emotion of being his mom.
It's not that he's rejected us, it's that we've been replaced. Like comfy old worn out shoes you keep around even after you've bought the flashy new Christian Louboutins (well, so I've heard...I've never had the pleasure.)
No, you're wrong, Pen. You could never be replaced & ds knows that, too. He may think it's greener on the other side of the fence at this moment. But he'll eventually learn, as the majority of us do -- "the best things in life are free..." :)
I am also a firm believer that everything comes with a price. Someday, there will be consequences to them "lumping in" with DIL's FOO. This sounds horrible of me, and I am sure there are some people in the world that have tons of money that sincerely help people out of the goodness of their hearts and expect no payback, but I think they are few and far in between. I have yet to meet one personally. The ones I know demand loyalty and undying committment. They are used to buying people just like they would a fancy car. They make them possessions. That's not love, that is greed and an unhealthy need for admiration.
I would rather be loved for who I am, not what I can do for someone any day over that. You don't realize Pen that you are the one that DS truly loves. You actually are much richer than DIL's FOO could ever dream of being, because DS loves you for you. Someday, he will tire of having to admire FOO and the novelty will wear off. It doesn't make you feel less rejected right now, but I truly think in time it will get better.
Lovely post Pooh. Very comforting. Thank you.
Lessons abound, Pen...for both of you. Sending love...