I already know the answer: I have to change my own feelings/reactions to the way another person acts; I can't change their actions. So, maybe it isn't the best idea to "vent", but I am going to try it anyway.
Why do some people have such a hard time grasping the idea that each set of parents has a choice on how to raise their children, and that if parents choose to do things differently than them, it is wrong or insulting. In my case it is my MIL, but I'm sure there are DILs, DMs, sisters, friends, etc. that are guilty of this. I'm not talking about endangerment, abuse, neglect. I mean, of many examples, if DH and I have found that our baby goes to sleep better using method 123, and MIL believes in method 345, she can't stand it. She gets so defensive. I explain to her that I didn't think her way was wrong, but that our way has proven to work for us, so we are sticking with it. The funny thing is, MIL speaks of her own MIL in spitting anger because she was so intrusive and critical of her parenting. So, instead of saying "you are wrong, I am right, do it my way now." She says, "I am nothing like my MIL, so I won't tell you what to do, but things would be so much better for you if you just....." DH and I have not engaged her in this, we never, ever, complain about life/parenthood and never ask her for anything. In fact, I usually get this "helpful" advice after she prods me with questions to which I answer "Everything is wonderful, we are so happy!" And trust me, she has made it crystal clear which parenting techniques she does not agree with and wants me to change. She doesn't have to say it just like her MIL did to have the same effect. What is this? Insecurity? Control? Some less sinister quality that I am not seeing?
Another vent about "helping": When you ask another adult if they need something, and they say "no, thank you" and you ask/beg again and again to the point of harassment trying to break the person down until you get the answer you want "Yes, please! How could I ever survive without you! You are so smart and capable and I am so incompetent! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!!" At what point does a sane person come to terms with the fact that they are not "helping" but in fact hurting? Again, this is my MIL, but I'm sure it could be anyone. With her it is always something that DH or I would prefer to do ourselves... like, cleaning the bathroom, doing the laundry. She asked several times if she could be added to our checking account so she could deposit sometimes and "monitor" it. Seriously?? No, thank you. It wouldn't be so bad if she could just admit that she wants these things for herself, to feel useful, needed. But this woman will stick to her guns to the bitter end, claiming that she only wants to "help" us.
Oh chickie...I couldn't help but laugh, I'm sorry. My MIL is the same way (and yes, like you said all titles do this same exact annoying thing.)
You know though, I actually *like* hearing peoples advice/stories/experiences, it's never bothered me in the least to hear a different way. But I guess it's in the delivery, most people I know deliver it with "hey, this worked for me..maybe it could for you." And that was that.
Not so with my MIL. She just doesn't offer up her opinion, she follows it up to see if we followed it, then goes around crying to everyone that I've rejected her..on and on. And boy, should I ever voice an opinion on something different than she thinks, it's like she reacts as if I've punched her. Or judging her. I tried just *once* explaining that this is only how I feel, it's ok that you feel differently, *I* do not care as long as it works for you and makes you happy. Yeah, that went over like a lead balloon lol. So now I say nothing of importance, just easier that way. But I do have to be careful if she says something like she likes green crayons and I'll go with my standard "how nice" well, I'll end up with a 100 green crayons and why am I not coloring with my green crayons and do I want to bring my green crayons over and have a play date. You get the drift..
Anyway, I guess my only point is that venting is ok sometimes, heck I think we all need it. But maybe find some humor in it. If I have anything to say about my MIL, well I know no one like her and she definitely provides some gut busting material.
Pam, You are hilarious ;D Thanks for making light of it... I needed that.
This is my MIL also. It's like DH and I cannot have independant thought from 'the clan.' The second we don't want to do what the rest of them are doing, we get brow beat. The odd thing is, since we've been living together, not once has this method worked on us. But they sure keep trying!
I can't imagine how this is going to get worse once baby comes. DH and I have decided not to give our child a certain sort of product (don't want to get into it lol). We did a lot of research - this was initially an idea from my family that was being discussed (not with me I overheard it) and I did my own search and found I agreed. So we looked up substitutes, etc. And we eliminated this food from our diet as well.
I made the absolute mistake of telling this to MIL. I admit it was in the heat of another conversation around something I didn't agree with her. She went...nuts. Basically told me it would be abuse not to give this to my child. I told her I shouldn't have discussed it with her as it was none of her business and ended the call. This was a couple months ago.
Sigh. Yes, opinions can be invaluable as they come from experience. But she knows DH and I aren't careless and wouldn't put our child in danger. So c'om. And if we don't agree, LET IT GO. I don't call her and tell her diet of frozen foods and donuts is going to deprive our children of their grandmother as she won't live long. So back off.
No, it's true that you can't change it...but you sure don't have to like it. Sending love...
Quote from: alohomora on January 26, 2012, 03:44:18 PM
But she knows DH and I aren't careless and wouldn't put our child in danger. So c'om. And if we don't agree, LET IT GO.
This is something I hope to goodness I remember when I am a GM. For the most part, young moms and dads are borderline obsessed with making the absolute best decisions for their children. We read every book in the parenting section, we ask our doctors a million questions, we listen to experiences from other parents (young and old), and try to stay up to date on current pediatric recommendations. At the end of the day, the best advice is: "Trust your instinct and do what works best for your family. If you are doing what you believe to be in your baby's and family's best interest, it is probably the right thing. If it doesn't work, change it." That means, we can all decide on different methods, and all be right!
You know, I think we are all guilty sometimes of giving unwanted advice. Last week my GD had her shots and DD was telling me she was cranky. Before I thought, I said well did you give her Tylenol before the shots. I got this "yes mother" I gave her Tylenor. Well, last Saturday, at my sister's funeral several people asked about the baby and DD told them about her being cranky after getting her shots. At least 3 people said - Did you give her Tylenol? DD just rolled her eyes and said y'all are all alike. So, to me no more Tylenol questions.
I was pretty lucky that my MIL was pretty cool and I try to be like that to my DIL. Of course, she doesn't understand all my Southern Redneck speak, so I'm sure she just laughs her butt off at me!
My favorite new thing is when someone gives me advice is smile and say I'll get right on it.
Oh FAFE, that wasn't so bad! Just a little eye roller ;) And sorry to say it, but a little advice like that is probably a lot easier to stomach coming from DM or FOO, when you actually can roll your eyes, than coming from MIL when you have to keep those eyeballs front and center!
My real problem with MIL is the insistent advice that she already knows I don't agree with. If your DM had already mentioned that she read up on Tylenol and decided that she was never going to give it to her baby, and you still asked about it, several times, made a point of bringing it up over and over again, listing all the people you've ever met who have had success giving their children Tylenol that would be the thing I'm dealing with.
Phillek, I'll be your MIL. You sound like a really sweet person. But, I will give you advice every now and then, just to keep you on your toes!!!!!
Quote from: FAFE on January 26, 2012, 05:17:53 PM
Last week my GD had her shots and DD was telling me she was cranky. Before I thought, I said well did you give her Tylenol before the shots. I got this "yes mother" I gave her Tylenor. Well, last Saturday, at my sister's funeral several people asked about the baby and DD told them about her being cranky after getting her shots. At least 3 people said - Did you give her Tylenol? DD just rolled her eyes and said y'all are all alike. So, to me no more Tylenol questions.
FAFE -- Join the Wallpaper Club (membership open to both MILs and mothers of AC). IMO, your response was not at all intrusive or anything that should have warranted your DD rolling her eyes. After all, SHE was the one who brought up the topic. ??? What are you supposed to say when she says the baby is cranky -- "Oh, that's nice." ? ? ? ? ? Of course not. If DD doesn't want you to respond with a logical comment or question (obviously it was a fairly logical question, since 3 other people at the funeral asked her the same question), then maybe she should quit telling people the baby is cranky.
I guess in the future you'll know to just say "Gee, that's too bad." rather than ask a normal question that to most people would be considered innocuous. But with an insecure DD it triggered an eye-rolling reaction.
Glad I read this thread. No GKs yet, but I'll never ask an innocuous question like that - I'll just say "Gosh, that's a shame."
But fortunately you said it to a DD, who will presumably forgive you for this cardinal sin. Heaven forbid you ever say it to a DIL. ;)
Thank
Oh Shelby, that was written kinda tongue in cheek. DD knows that we are full of advice, unwarranted or not. She and her husband have been such good little parents since they adopted the baby (at birth). It is an ongoing learning experience for her (as we have all found out). DD had just driven 3 hours to attend my sister's funeral and had another 3 hours to return home. There's a reason why she calls all her "old aunts" crazy.
She does, however, asks for advice with the baby and whatever I tell her I also add, you may want to ask your doctor so and so. Usually my advice is right on as to his answer.
I'm so sorry phillik. It seems you have married my Ex and got his Mother! Good luck with that! (Both of them) ;D
Quote from: FAFE on January 27, 2012, 06:24:01 AM
Oh Shelby, that was written kinda tongue in cheek. DD knows that we are full of advice, unwarranted or not. She and her husband have been such good little parents since they adopted the baby (at birth). It is an ongoing learning experience for her (as we have all found out). DD had just driven 3 hours to attend my sister's funeral and had another 3 hours to return home. There's a reason why she calls all her "old aunts" crazy.
She does, however, asks for advice with the baby and whatever I tell her I also add, you may want to ask your doctor so and so. Usually my advice is right on as to his answer.
Actually, FAFE, my comments were quite sincere. A bit sarcastic of course, but sincere. It sounds like your relationship with your DD is great - she occasionally asks for advice and you gently give it when she asks. A wonderful balance. Kudos to the both of you.
I believe you when you say there's a reason she calls her old aunts "crazy" - but their response of "did you give the baby tylenol?" when DD comments about baby's crankiness can't be the reason. Anytime FOUR people (you and the three others at the funeral) have the same innocuous reaction to a young mother's comments about baby's crankiness, it would seem to be a reasonable, conversational reaction by those four people - not cause for eye-rolling.
Glad you have such a good relationship with your DD. Fortunately so do we - just no GKs yet.
Phillek :
you just say ''We have discussed this before , and you know I don't agree with it '' .
I try not to give advice unless asked which isn't often , however if I think my little GD is suffering
I will ask what has been tried do far .
Also when staying here , a dose of paracetamol was given every evening for teething whether she
needed it or not . I thought of her little liver coping with that and suggested cutting down .
It's hard NOT to offer suggestions , and we know you are the Mom .
As you say it's how these suggestions are offered , but it's only because we love our GC .
Quote from: FAFE on January 26, 2012, 06:13:29 PM
Phillek, I'll be your MIL. You sound like a really sweet person. But, I will give you advice every now and then, just to keep you on your toes!!!!!
FAFE - yes please! :D
Shelby, I don't think FAFE's DD was being insecure or disrespectful. I think that kind of advice just triggers a certain reaction in a young mom, because her world revolves around the baby and OF COURSE she gave her Tylenol (or chose not to)... At this point in her life they might as well asked her if she remembered to tie her shoes. I'm sure DD knows they didn't mean it maliciously, and it sounds like they all made light of it, had a little laugh, and moved on. I think that is probably the key, because we get can ourselves into a situation where everyone is all defensive and clammed up, and that's not good for anyone. So maybe the answer is: give the little tidbits to DIL or DD, but know that she probably already heard it before, and don't get upset when she gives you a little eye roll or expect her to keep her experiences to herself so you can keep your advice to yourself.
Once, MIL asked over the phone if DS was enjoying taking baths. DH said, "Yes, he loves them, but he always cries for a short time transitioning out, probably because he gets a chill." MIL replied in a stern tone, "Well, you better make sure you are wrapping him in a towel!" DH just rolled his eyes and changed the subject, thinking,
No, DM, we are parading him around the cold house, naked and wet.... how dumb do you think we are??? If that comment doesn't warrant an eye roll, I don't know what does. But no, it didn't start some kind of feud or cause us to be angry with her for any amount of time. Again, my initial post wasn't really about that kind of thing.
Quote from: Pooh on January 27, 2012, 06:29:35 AM
I'm so sorry phillik. It seems you have married my Ex and got his Mother! Good luck with that! (Both of them) ;D
Pooh, thank goodness for my DH. We are actually on the same page for the most part and have a united front.... I don't know what I would do otherwise. Really, I just feel bad for him, because he had been conditioned to deal with MIL his whole life and knows what works for him (ignore, ignore, polite smile, keep conversation superficial, ignore, erase the encounter from his mind) and I haven't been able to get the "erase encounter from my mind part down" so when I get upset, he has to go through that with me.
Lancaster Lady,
Thanks for your post. I said before that I want to try to remember what its like to be a young mom when I am a GM... but I don't have the luxury of knowing what it is like to be a GM. I'm glad to get that perspective.
Phillek, I know where you're coming from. It's not the giving of advice that's hurting the relationship, it's the pouting that happens if the advice is not taken, immediately!
It's your MIL's problem if her feelings get hurt when you and DH do something differently than her. As long as you're not saying 'OUR way is the ONLY right way and your way is STUPID'.
I think you need to talk to DH and find out how he 'handles' her (other than folding in half!). For my MIL, I've found that there are a few ways to make her stop:
1 - tell her it's DH's decision. MIL and AuntIL were hounding me about "when are you going to have kids" and what finally stopped them was me saying "I'm ready, it's DH, you should talk to him about it!" Of course, they didn't, but they did stop nagging ME.
2 - My MIL is a workaholic, so "work" is always an acceptable excuse for ANYTHING. Lie if you have to. We've already established that my MIL prefers to be lied to, because she doesn't want to hear the truth.
3 - the 'yeah, yeah, whatever' approach, where you 'sort of' agree with her, without making promises and then just do whatever YOU want. This one has been one of my DH's CLASSIC moves, such that he's even tried to 'yeah, yeah, whatever' ME - so not flying Buddy, but good try!
3a - with my MIL, you just don't say "NO", you say "not right now" or "maybe later" or "maybe another time" or "we'll see" or "we're just SO busy right now".
Good luck. Don't forget that you don't have to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) ANY of your decisions!
FAFE, that's cool that your family can just laugh that off. When DD was a baby (first grandchild on both sides) I heard non stop stuff like that and usually I was pretty good with "thanks!" But every once in a while a smart aleck comment would slip but luckily both sides (DD's fathers FOO and mine) were pretty understanding and got my sense of humor.
Quote from: phillek on January 27, 2012, 07:05:37 AM
Shelby, I don't think FAFE's DD was being insecure or disrespectful. I think that kind of advice just triggers a certain reaction in a young mom, because her world revolves around the baby and OF COURSE she gave her Tylenol (or chose not to)... At this point in her life they might as well asked her if she remembered to tie her shoes.
Phillek - I agree FAFE's DD was not being insecure or disrespectful. I don't think I said she was. I agree the older women should not be giving advice - my only point is that it was FAFE's DD who opened the conversation with - if not a complaint - at least a "situation". That seems to be an implicit invitation to comment. If the DD can take comments in stride - (and FAFE's DD may do pretty well with this) - then great. But if the DD (any DD, not just FAFE's) doesn't like the reaction, then that DD should probably stop bringing up the subject. Kind of hard to blame the older women for making fairly innocuous observations when it was the young mother bringing up the situation.
Quote from: phillek on January 27, 2012, 07:05:37 AM
MIL replied in a stern tone, "Well, you better make sure you are wrapping him in a towel!"
This had me laughing out loud! If only you could see how funny this character is - you could get a lot of laughs out of her - but I do understand when she's in your face, it's frustrating. I think laughing at her might get some change you are looking for, maybe.
I think I would take it as small talk if Fafe's DD was my friend and probably sympathize. Maybe there is something to it with the older, more experienced Moms who see it as a "situation?" Rather than just general chit chat. Moms in general probably just want to fix it and that probably doesn't stop even their kids are adults. So maybe it's a mix of the older Mom still under the impression that she needs to be Mom right now and the younger Mom annoyed with all the comments/advice when she's just chatting. Interesting, I hadn't thought of it this way before.
Cause I mean it, I love hearing peoples stories/experiences. That's how I usually find out my gems...like tea tree oil to wash the floors with....makes doggies stop peeing on it. I would have never found that out before lol
Quote from: pam1 on January 27, 2012, 07:58:21 AM
I think I would take it as small talk if Fafe's DD was my friend and probably sympathize. Maybe there is something to it with the older, more experienced Moms who see it as a "situation?" Rather than just general chit chat. Moms in general probably just want to fix it and that probably doesn't stop even their kids are adults. So maybe it's a mix of the older Mom still under the impression that she needs to be Mom right now and the younger Mom annoyed with all the comments/advice when she's just chatting. Interesting, I hadn't thought of it this way before.
Cause I mean it, I love hearing peoples stories/experiences. That's how I usually find out my gems...like tea tree oil to wash the floors with....makes doggies stop peeing on it. I would have never found that out before lol
Agree it is small talk. The aunts and older women at the funeral probably thought that was the spirit in which they were responding. So why can't the young mother take the response as small talk, not intrusiveness?
Quote from: Shelby on January 27, 2012, 08:09:42 AM
Quote from: pam1 on January 27, 2012, 07:58:21 AM
I think I would take it as small talk if Fafe's DD was my friend and probably sympathize. Maybe there is something to it with the older, more experienced Moms who see it as a "situation?" Rather than just general chit chat. Moms in general probably just want to fix it and that probably doesn't stop even their kids are adults. So maybe it's a mix of the older Mom still under the impression that she needs to be Mom right now and the younger Mom annoyed with all the comments/advice when she's just chatting. Interesting, I hadn't thought of it this way before.
Cause I mean it, I love hearing peoples stories/experiences. That's how I usually find out my gems...like tea tree oil to wash the floors with....makes doggies stop peeing on it. I would have never found that out before lol
Agree it is small talk. The aunts and older women at the funeral probably thought that was the spirit in which they were responding. So why can't the young mother take the response as small talk, not intrusiveness?
Just from my experience, it's probably cause she's tired of hearing it lol. I'm not excusing the eyeroll, that's pretty rude but I remember how I felt back then lol. I said thanks a lot and every once in a while a little comeback would come out. It's probably just human nature.
Give and take, both sides can try a little more patience probably. As a friend, it's easy for me to say to my new mom friends "oh that stinks, hope baby feels better soon" but now thinking as what I would feel like it it was my daughter telling me baby was cranky...I probably would be a bit more invested in fixing the situation. I'm sure it's a transition and adjustment for everyone but if I were to respond to all my new mom friends with my advice, well I'm not sure I'd keep so many friends. And I would think the same would hold true for new mom's in the family, it's just an irritation to some people.
Hey Doe, I'll start a new thread in Grab Bag. I bet there's some more tips people can add :)
People are always giving advice that is obvious, it's their way of connecting or expressing concern. Rather than making snide "Captain Obvious" references, I just nod and say "Yeah, we've tried that" or "I'll keep that in mind." I really don't think most of them are questioning my intelligence or critical thinking skills, they just speak what flashes into their mind at the time (the "wrapping baby in a towel" comment for example.)
We were living in a rental for a month or two waiting for work to be done on our house & kept most of our stuff packed up so I didn't have cutlery dividers in the kitchen drawers, we just threw everything in a mishmash. SM took me aside & earnestly told me, "They make these things that will keep your forks & knives organized, I'm sure you can purchase them in your town." DH & I had a good laugh.
This is the same DD that when she was going to her first prom, all four of my sisters' came to help her dress! They all had boys and one of them said, by Gawd, she was gonna dress somebody for the prom and it might as well be DD. So, she knows anything that any of them says that it's just us! This baby is a gift straight from heaven and everybody worships her and would never knowlingly say something bad to her mama.
I think most of here are of the generation that really thinks that we need to give advice, whether it's needed or not. I overheard a conversation in Walmart this morning about a mother potty training her DD who is nearly 5 years old. When I saw her later in the store I said you might not want to hear this, but this is what worked for my DD when she was being potty trained. The mother said, oh my gosh, I would have never thought of that and thanked me profusely. I tend to do that to complete strangers and I do get an eye roll from DD if she is with me. But, I know she's doing that because she would never walk up to a complete stranger and give them advice!
;D ;D ;D I would never have the courage to do that but..truth...I think sometimes advice is a lot easier to take from complete strangers! Sending love...
Okay, so I think there is a difference between my original vent and the Tylenol comment...
FAFE was giving an example of a little piece of harmless advice, which young moms might be tired of hearing, but we'll all have to get over it and see the humor in it. I agree that this is like the towel comment, and honestly, while annoyed at the time I don't think my MIL meant it to hurt/control us and really I just think it's funny.
This may be opening a whole can of worms here, so I will try to tread carefully:
I get very frustrated - and I don't think it's funny - when MIL tries to talk us out of something that we have decided to do with DS (things that are working well for us!!), simply because she wouldn't/didn't do it that way. These are things that DH and I have discussed with each other ad nauseum, researched to the hilt, asked doctors and other parents, and came to a solution that works for us... Happy baby, happy mommy, happy daddy = happy MIL, right?? Wrong. She will bring it up again and again, trying to break us down until she gets her way, and it has become clear to both DH and me that her number one priority is being right, validated as a mother and mentor, and whether or not the advice actually works for us is unimportant to her.
It's totally different than what I think most of you DMs and MILs do, which is more along the lines of the Tylenol or towel comment: completely forgivable and kind of funny.
I'm hesitant to give a detailed example (though I have several) because I don't want to start a discussion about what is the "right" way to handle certain parenting issues (like sleeping, eating, discipline, schedules) but I'll say that most of them are controversial because there is no right answer, and if experts/doctors/parents can't agree, then why can't I take in all the information, trust my instincts an do what works for my family? Why should I be harassed into doing something that makes DH, me, and DS miserable just so MIL can feel good about herself? I know none of you thinks I should, again just venting about my MIL, and certainly not about anything anyone on here has said.
^
That's very true sometimes. My MIL raised three very healthy children. And I don't have my own mother. I do have a lot of older sisters though, but none of them had multiple children like we intend on. And they all had them much later in life and under very different circumstances (little to no involvement from the fathers) then DH and I will have (he will be home everyday by 4:30pm and is the sort who will be rushing through the door to take baby and help).
So I could DO with someone to vent to and ask for help. The problem with MIL? She tells everyone everything - all the IL's do. I know b/c I've done this before. Ex.
Me: MIL I'm feeling tired b/c we did X activity.
MIL: Oh no well don't do X activity.
Next day: phone calls and text messages from the rest of the ILs. This will last a month. Constant badgering about 'are you still doing X activity? I hope not as it made you soooo tired I heard!!'
I know if I tell her I'd rather she keep our conversations private, a) she won't and b) she'll get offended.
Sucks.
Scoop, I just now noticed your post for some reason... Great advice!
Alohomora, I think we have a lot in common, sister. :P
phillep, you may have to go with the advice the peditrician gave me when I had my first child. He said, you will be getting advice from everyone, but YOU do what you think is in the best interest of your child. YOU would never cause harm to come to him, so you do what feels right to you. You may have to explain that to your MIL or just mutter under your breath and smile and say thank you! Then do what you think is right in your situation. Sorry your post got hijaced by my DD's eye rolling over the Tylenol! I am now officially your new MIL!
Glad to see another MIL/DIL pair formed at WWU. It's becoming quite the little matchmaker here ;)
Phillek, is it necessary that MIL have any of this info? I used to just chat away and got the same reactions you speak of and finally I realized....hey! I don't have to tell her *any* of this. So, I don't. Life is calmer that way.
P - My take is that you have every "right" to say (over and over again, if need be) that she got to make the choices and decisions in her home and you get to make them in yours. Your home is not an extension of hers. And you are the adults in charge. Then if she continues, you can have a boundary that says, "I'm not going to discuss this." And stick by it. You have a "right" to your integrity and self respect and she is challenging that. Seen a broad sense...it can be a variety of abuse.
FAFE (My new Adoptive MIL) - you make me smile!!! ;D I'd ask you for your opinion any day!
Pam - trust me, we try our very best to keep mum on any topic that we know she doesn't "approve" of. It's mostly just exhausting dodging her questions (avoid, ignore, change the subject, be vague) and it is impossible when she visits because she is witnessing our parenting first hand. I get so stressed out about it. I just need to learn how to not let it get to me and keep doing what I know is best.
Louise- thank you, that is excellent advice and I hope I can be strong enough to follow it!
Just a positive note since you all have been so helpful: We just had our two year checkup this afternoon and the little guy is doing great! He hardly cried at all when he got his shots and is meeting or exceeding all his milestones. We are proud parents :)
Gold Star!! :D :D :D
WOW! So I just figured out I have another grandchild! Yah! That's what comes from having such a great new DIL. How is my SIL gonna like all his new in-laws?
Darn, I forget to ask if you gave him some Tylenol before his shots!!!!
FAFE you are too funny! Thanks for welcoming us all to the fam!!
Seriously, though, I meant to say earlier congrats to you and your DD on the adoption... that must be so special for all of you.
Good to hear phillek that you and DH are on the same page mostly. You have to forgive me. My Ex ignored his MILs antics and left me to deal with it. That's what I was thinking when I first read how he handles her and I was feeling bad for you for having to do it alone. No, what your MIL is doing is not advice, it's trying to control. Huge difference.
Gotcha, Pooh. Sorry that you had to go through that. DH definitely ignores her antics for the most part, but I think he has the right idea because the reality is that she has no actual say and we do whatever we think is best, anyway.
Before we were married, he didn't just ignore, he humored her ("Oh, DM, so glad you are finally here to cook for me, I would starve without you!" - totally untrue and he only would say it to make her feel good, not realizing he was throwing me under the bus in the process), and I had to tell him there was no way I was marrying into something like that, and thankfully he stopped a long time ago.
Men can be so clueless!
Quote from: phillek on January 29, 2012, 05:25:41 PM
DH definitely ignores her antics for the most part, but I think he has the right idea because the reality is that she has no actual say and we do whatever we think is best, anyway.
Smart man!
Colleen01 wrote that she used to feel that she had to talk about issues till they were resolved (hope I got that right, Colleen). I know what she's talking about - I was in 'fix it' mode for years and felt that people who didn't hammer out issues just weren't able to face them. Now it's more shrugging, chuckling and changing the subject. That Serenity poem that Mama had over the sink that I thought was corny makes more and more sense every day.
If you are getting too much unsolicited, unwanted advice, the only response is:
Yes, dear MIL/Mother/Sibling/Etc., you are perfectly right and that advice would be on target if I wanted to raise a healthy, happy, well-adjusted, law-abiding offspring. But you're forgetting that my deepest desire is to raise an obnoxious, mal-adjusted criminal so that when s/he is arrested for the most heinous of seriel killings, I can write a tell-all book about raising the devil's spawn and be on all the talk shows. That way, in my old age i'll have fame and fortune rather than be abandoned in a rundown, rat-infested nursing home.
You have to do this with a straight face and deadpan voice.
herbalescapes, LOL, I LOVE IT!!!
H- Hilarious! I am practicing it in front of a mirror but I keep cracking up! Sending love...