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Problem Solving => Daughter in Law's or Son in Law's Parents => Topic started by: second wife on January 30, 2010, 07:04:31 AM

Title: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: second wife on January 30, 2010, 07:04:31 AM
BG:  I'm the second wife to a wonderful man, his first wife passed away.  He was very close to his first wife's parents (who are in excellent health & could still be here in 20-25 yrs.)  My DM has health issues & if she's lucky she'll live another 2-3 yr.

The problem is this - 

DH & his ILs insist that we spend mother's day at the ILs home.  Since I've married DH I've spent all but one Mother's Day with his deceased wife's mom.  It's all about her... DH would rather hurt me, my DS (from my ex), and my DM than upset his deceased wife's DM.

I have wanted to start our own traditions & have all the DMs to our house (my DM, his DM & deceased wife's DM); but they (DH &  his ILs) want to keep doing things the ways they've always done them. 

What would be a polite way to tell the deceased wife's parents that their insistence on keeping their traditions (which ignore the fact that I have a DM & hurts her a lot) isn't going to happen anymore?

DH has finally agreed not to ignore my DM anymore, and start a new tradition of INCLUDING everyone.

Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: cocobars on January 30, 2010, 08:17:46 AM
Dear second wife, welcome!

It sounds like you are in the middle of a sticky situation.  So is your hubby.  Have you tried to sit him down and honestly tell him what you just stated in your post.  You sound perfectly reasonable to me.

I also can understand that he has grown an attachment to his deceased wife's family, but if he understands how you feel maybe there is some compromise you can reach.  Since you have both taken those vows to be that "team" you are now, he should be open to hearing your feelings on this and considering them.  If he doesn't want to upset his DW (deceased wife's) family, then you should also be able to talk to them - honestly.  I think they will understand the situation when it's put to them tactfully.

Their daughter has passed and they all have that common link.  Your husband may feel like he's in the middle of a tug-of-war.  It's up to you to let him know your feelings, and come up with suggestions to talk to them about it.  When (or if) you both agree to talk to them, do it as a team.  You are his new wife and although I'm sure he, and they, loved her dearly and miss her - you are his wife  now and there needs to be some consideration all the way around the circle...

Do you think you could ease into your own traditions in some way?  Also, mention your mother's health and her limited time here.  I can tell you what I've told people about mine (my parents are elderly and I'm taking care of them and their property), and people do seem to understand where I'm coming from:

My parent's time left on this earth is limited now.  I don't feel like this is "MY time" right now, but "their" time.  When they leave here, it will be MY time.  Your mother deserves to "go out" feeling loved and considered.  She needs to know before she leaves that she was very important to her children (you didn't mention your father, so I'm assuming you are all she has).  In other words, this, right now, is "her" time and making things like that convenient for her is all part of letting her know how much she means.  You have a common link with them (wouldn't they have all done that for their daughter/DW?).

Just my thought.  Let us know how you are and keep us posted...

Take care!
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 30, 2010, 08:34:47 AM
that's beautiful, Coco... :'(
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: luise.volta on January 30, 2010, 08:37:55 AM
"DH has finally agreed not to ignore my DM anymore, and start a new tradition of INCLUDING everyone."

Reading that at the end of your post made me think that you are well on your way to resolving the issue. It would seem to me that it is DH's job to inform everyone, especially deceased wife's parents.
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: cocobars on January 30, 2010, 08:42:24 AM
Just wanted to add.....

I've found that when I'm really upset sometimes my wording is off, or the tone in my voice.  People, even family get wrong impressions.  When I talk, my voice tone sometimes doesn't come across as being compassionate toward them, even though I know in my own feelings that I am.  At times like these, I write a letter to them explaining my feelings, etc.  I sleep on it, edit it a few times, and go back the next day to check it.  Sometimes I see where the wording can upset them and I change it.  Then I just leave it out where they can find it.  That's just me.  I have to find ways of getting around myself and I've found that helps.

You could try that with your husband, if this is a heated discussion.  Seeing your true feelings on paper, including how you understand him and this situation with him may just open a door for him to consider you more too!

Chickie,  thank you!  It's true though isn't it?
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 30, 2010, 08:53:53 AM
yes, it is true, Coco
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: cocobars on January 30, 2010, 08:54:14 AM
Luise is right.  It may not be a good idea for you to talk to them with him.  It would be viewed in a more positive way coming from your husband since he already has that link with them. 

Luise has much more experience than I do, and thinks of so many things I don't.

This was nuther compliment ;D But true...
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: luise.volta on January 30, 2010, 08:55:26 AM
I just wanted to add that I have been "The Second Wife" for the last 20 years and at family gatherings have felt, metaphorically, that there has always been an empty chair at the head of the table with a black ribbon across it. I have never wanted to sit there yet, at the same time, it has been hard for me to sit on the chair marked "invisible."

My husband was married to his high school sweetheart for 54 years, after being engaged for 5 years. That's a year shy of six decades. I deeply respect that...but...
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 30, 2010, 09:36:44 AM
I want to relay something that happened to my husband yesterday, Friday.  It was so profound that it's very hard to speak of it right now.  I'm going to need some time to compose myself before I tell it.

A man whom he had not seen in years called and asked to come see him at his office.  My husband said, "of course"

So the man came in.  He was very thin and you could tell he had been sick. 

They greeted each other and the man began his story.  He asked my husband if he (my husband) had come to see him in the hospital last week?

Since my husband didn't know he was in the hospital or sick for that matter, he told him, "no, I didn't".

The man began......more later. 

Please don't think I'm crazy or anything (well, I am nuts but I'm sweet) but this thing has shaken us to the core!!

Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: cocobars on January 30, 2010, 10:00:29 AM
I think I know what you are going to say.  I had written a post on it, but thought it might be too much for anyone to digest, so I removed it.

I'm nuts too, Chickie.  But we have huge hearts!
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: cocobars on January 30, 2010, 01:58:30 PM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 30, 2010, 09:36:44 AM
I want to relay something that happened to my husband yesterday, Friday.  It was so profound that it's very hard to speak of it right now.  I'm going to need some time to compose myself before I tell it.

A man whom he had not seen in years called and asked to come see him at his office.  My husband said, "of course"

So the man came in.  He was very thin and you could tell he had been sick. 

They greeted each other and the man began his story.  He asked my husband if he (my husband) had come to see him in the hospital last week?

Since my husband didn't know he was in the hospital or sick for that matter, he told him, "no, I didn't".

The man began......more later. 

Please don't think I'm crazy or anything (well, I am nuts but I'm sweet) but this thing has shaken us to the core!!

I can't wait to hear the ending of this, Chickie.  You have frozen our faces to our computer screens...
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: cocobars on January 30, 2010, 04:36:15 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on January 30, 2010, 08:55:26 AM
I just wanted to add that I have been "The Second Wife" for the last 20 years and at family gatherings have felt, metaphorically, that there has always been an empty chair at the head of the table with a black ribbon across it. I have never wanted to sit there yet, at the same time, it has been hard for me to sit on the chair marked "invisible."

My husband was married to his high school sweetheart for 54 years, after being engaged for 5 years. That's a year shy of six decades. I deeply respect that...but...
Luise, that's so sad that you have felt "invisible" for all this time.  Truth be known, you are not and I would be hard pressed to believe that your husband of 20 years feels that way.  I believe he loves you dearly after all this time...

I also think your son loved you so much, but with all the time that passed may not have known how to "go back." 

You have touched so many lives here, there are good things waiting for you.  It's just my belief from what I see with my little human eyes.   I don't know what your belief system is...
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 30, 2010, 05:28:04 PM
The man told him that he got up and passed out, his son called 9-11 and they took him to the local hospital.

While there, he died.  He heard them say, "he's gone".  He could see what the Doctor was doing...putting pads on him to jolt him back to life.  During this time, he doesn't know how long, he saw what appeared to him to be Heaven in the distance, a totally peaceful, wonderful place.

He was still on earth but while here, all the people he knew were here.  The people who had some bad traits, like bad tempers, liars, etc. were horribly exagerated like monsters.  He was terrified of them.  The people were everywhere and all their badness was worse than anything he could have ever imagined. 

He was tearing up as he told my husband about it.  He didn't mention any names but since they are in the same industry, it was apparent that they both knew who these people were.

He told my husband that there was a horrible, terrible war going on here on earth beyond anything imaginable.  He was adamant about this war going on and with people they both knew.  It seemed to him that the entire world was at battle, like being controlled by some entity.

He didn't know how long this state was but right before the Doctors paddled him back, my husband came into the room, stood by his bed and told him that everything was going to be all right.  The man really cried when he was telling this and my husband was quite emotional too.

He was suddenly at peace then. This man was an educated, non religious person.  He had no frame of reference of any kind of faith to build this on.  He said he had to tell my husband about it.

My husband is very loved in our community.  He has a way about him that brings comfort to people. 

I hope I wrote this so it can be understood.
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: cocobars on January 30, 2010, 05:47:57 PM
Oh Chickie.  My experience wasn't scary at all.  It was absolutely heavenly but I have noticed from talking to other people who pass and then come back, It is such a highly charged emotional experience that there is no way of telling anyone without the tears turning on...    Over the years (my experience being about 15 years ago) I've learned not to talk about it unless I really know someone personally.  Otherwise the twilight zone music starts up and some doctor starts chasing me with a syringe and a straight jacket!  HA!  No, I just get looks.  So now I make sure someone knows me very well before I tell them.

That was an awsome experience for him.  Another thing.  People who go through this passing and coming back experience change.  It just changes them.  I'm happy he talked to your husband.  He shared what he went through and there must be a reason for him to do that.  We don't always know why God does what he does, but there is always a reason.  It's just not always aparent right away what that reason is.  I've realized reasons for things happening to me in "hindsight" most times.  Like I said in my post last week.  It's hard to understand when you're going through it.  It wouldn't surprise me if there were a terrible evil vs. good war going on here right now.  Look at our whole world.  Do you think things have changed for good?

I left my body too.  Maybe some day I can talk about it here.  I'm just happy I found this place You and Luise started.  I feel safe and accepted here and I love that feeling.
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 30, 2010, 06:03:24 PM
I would love to hear your story, Coco.  You're among friends and are safe to do it.

I want to say that the man that this happened to is totally changed. Not that he was bad in any way but changed and is radiant in his appearance, although still weak from the ordeal.  They kept him in the hospital for 6 days.  He has started attending a local church, which he had not done before.

He came to see my husand right after he got out.  He really came to thank him for coming to the hospital.  But my husband had not gone to the hospital. The man was a little shocked since it was so real to him that my husband was there.   
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: Scoop on January 30, 2010, 06:08:33 PM
Second wife, why do you have to spend Mother's day with your husband?  If he wants to see 1stW's parents (and not his? aroo?) on Mother's day, well, let him.  And YOU and your DS can go see your Mom.  I don't know why it has to be a fight or anything, just "See you later hon!  Have fun!"

Don't forget that you're a mother too - you should be able to celebrate how YOU want to.  My DH and I have a deal, we do what *I* want on Mother's Day and we do what *he* wants on Father's day.    I think that's fair.

I really like your idea of hosting everyone - but you should make it a BBQ or something that the "menfolk" are responsible for, so that YOU get celebrated too.  As for how to tell them, say "We thought we'd try something different this year and celebrate ALL of these Moms, we'd really like for you to come."  And if they don't come, then TOO BAD, SO SAD for them.  You've invited them, and then it's up to them to show up.

Scoop
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: cocobars on January 30, 2010, 06:35:09 PM
This is so awesome, and I don't understand why people that have these experiences have such diverse ones. 

It always changes the person that it happens to though.  It is the most life-changing thing to go through!  Nothing is the same after that happens, and you want to tell everyone!  LOL!

I'm happy he is going to church now.  Maybe he needed to grow close to God or reach out to God and wasn't doing that.  I believe God loves every being here.  Even the birds, squirrels and rats!  HA!  The message doesn't seem to ever be clear but the memory is vibrant.  For me, even 15 or so years later it is. 

When I first had to move here and live with them, I was so very depressed.  I felt like a faliure, unloved, unwanted... Just so discarded.  I used to sit on my patio (I've since had separate patio's put in, so there's a "my patio" and "their patio")  and I would just weep and weep.  There were birds that slowly started landing in the bushes and trees next to the patio, and then squirrels came.  It was sort of funny, but they would sit in the bushes and watch me crying.  After awhile - it was interesting, like a little audience waiting for me.  It stopped me from all that crying.  I started bringing bread out with me.  The birds loved it, and the squirrels would eat it too.  Then I bought shelled nuts and would sit and take the shells off, throwing them to the squirrels.  Long story short, I have birds now that almost eat out of my hands (a robin couple nested beside where I sit and raised their babies this year), and the squirrels come up to me and ask on their hind legs.  I ran out of nuts one day, and ( I have named the squirrels) Sammy Squirrel jumped into my lap and stuck his head in my pants pocket (I always have a stash there).  So maybe I'm nuts, but I truly believe those birds and squirrels had a mission - and I was it.  I believe there are alot of things we don't understand that some animals get, because they don't have the veil over their view that we have.  I believe they have what I call direct instinct.  I could be wrong.  I'm just one person in a whole world of people - just a little speck.  It was strange how those birds and squirrels appeared out of nowhere, and stayed until I noticed them back.  We all had a staring contest for about a month, before I started bringing them food, and they would be there each morning waiting for me.  I went away for a week (my son's house) and my father said they weren't there?  Strange.  Nobody can convince me there isn't a wise being (call it God or whatever you want to) looking over us. 
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 30, 2010, 06:48:40 PM
That is so beautiful, Coco....God uses everything and every one.  I think you only know that when it happens to you.  It happened to you!!
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: cocobars on January 30, 2010, 07:10:20 PM
I feel very undeserving.  I've met such nice people who were more deserving than me.  I don't quite understand why these things happen.  I can only think that I am looking - paying attention so they may happen to other people who aren't recognising them for what they are, or maybe the meanings are different for them.  I haven't figured out that part. I KNOW I've been touched!  That's good enough for me.  It's all I need to know for now.

The karma fairy has been through.  I've looked at your "thumbs up" and I noticed you are loved (no it wasn't all me, but I have my suspicions).  I think you have alot of people here who love you Chickie!  I've watched your minuses and plusses all day and the plusses have gone up as different people came through!  LOL! 
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 30, 2010, 07:57:37 PM
I begged for them, Coco!!  Thank you for doing that for me.

I think the reason you were visited by those birds and squirrels is because you were looking for something to show you love.  We need to start looking more often.  It's there
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: cocobars on January 31, 2010, 06:21:37 AM
Chickie, You friend?  God loved him so much that he HAD to be asked.  That was his invitation.  He took it...

By the way, I wasn't the only one giving you "thumbs up" on your karma.  You are truly loved here and there were others who went through and did that.  I watched the numbers all day...  I wanted to know who was on when they went negative.  Didn't catch them, but I did catch a few karma fairies coming through...

:)
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 31, 2010, 06:23:51 AM
You're so sweet, COCO!!  So sweet....wish we were friends in real life :)
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: cocobars on January 31, 2010, 06:30:26 AM
Your friend was "pinged" by God! 

But, Chickie - we are friends in real life.  This IS real life here, even if we don't know our addresses.  I believe I have true friends on this site, otherwise I wouldn't tell everyone such personal things.  That's real and I love everyone here so much.  It's hard to put into words what this site means to me...

You've created a playground for blessings (or pings)! :)
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 31, 2010, 06:36:09 AM
It is wonderful...we can be ourselves here.  I love it too.  I'm so worried about Creme..if she's out of town, I guess that's the answer but it just seems so odd that we haven't heard from her!!

I wish someone knew her to contact her to see.  I think she has some special people in her life but of course, not her ownly child, which is horrible!! 

Happy, do you know her in real life? 
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: cocobars on January 31, 2010, 06:44:28 AM
Why don't you send Happy a PM?  Maybe that will alert her to come on the site. 

It's funny, you mention Creme every time I think about it!  HA!  I hope she is on a vacation, but I'm worried too.  Thinking to myself, I believe she would have said something so nobody here would worry about her.  That thought makes me more worried.  I'm sorry, didn't want to worry you more. 
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 31, 2010, 06:46:40 AM
Good idea....I don't think Happy knows her personally, but I will send it.

We're on the same wave length :)
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: cremebrulee on February 01, 2010, 11:08:21 AM
Quote from: second wife on January 30, 2010, 07:04:31 AM
BG:  I'm the second wife to a wonderful man, his first wife passed away.  He was very close to his first wife's parents (who are in excellent health & could still be here in 20-25 yrs.)  My DM has health issues & if she's lucky she'll live another 2-3 yr.

The problem is this - 

DH & his ILs insist that we spend mother's day at the ILs home.  Since I've married DH I've spent all but one Mother's Day with his deceased wife's mom.  It's all about her... DH would rather hurt me, my DS (from my ex), and my DM than upset his deceased wife's DM.

I have wanted to start our own traditions & have all the DMs to our house (my DM, his DM & deceased wife's DM); but they (DH &  his ILs) want to keep doing things the ways they've always done them. 

What would be a polite way to tell the deceased wife's parents that their insistence on keeping their traditions (which ignore the fact that I have a DM & hurts her a lot) isn't going to happen anymore?

DH has finally agreed not to ignore my DM anymore, and start a new tradition of INCLUDING everyone.

i would explain to them, which they should already know, (and this is such a shame) that you have a mother and she is first and foremost, especially with her health issues.  And your husband needs to stand up for you on that...he needs to understand, he is no longer married to his 1st wife....so so many times, men get remarried, and only to be taken care of....and they're 2nd wives live with the ghost of they're 1st wives....

I would get into counseling...right away...he needs to understand, that this must stop...I mean, it's ok that he is friends with them, but not to the point where he chooses them over you....and if you allow him to get away with it, then you will wake up one morning a very very hurt, lonely and out of love woman....you need to take steps now...

Get that man into counseling and if he refuse you go, and if he refuses to prioritize your mother on mother's day and holidays, then you just go...by yourself.

My mother passed on a few years back....my younger sister's husbands mother lives a few states away...and when our mother passed, it was a rude awakening for him...every holiday he spent with us....and now, he realizes, she has an alloted amount of time, therefore, every Christmas he drives out to see his mother, and if my sister wants to go, fine, if she doesn't, fine to....she comes to my house for the holidays...
and she encourages him to do so....to me that is perfectly normal and healthy....I don't believe you can spend 24/7 with your spouce...it works for some marriages, but myself, I would feel absolutely smothered...

but that is just me....

I hope something changes for you soon, and am so sorry that this is happeneing to you....

Hugs
Creme
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: second wife on February 05, 2010, 03:28:52 PM
counciling doesn't work

the councilor said that in order for OUR marriage to be successful, WE needed to do create our own traditions (a combo is fine), not do everything the way he & his first wife did things

DH doesn't want to change things
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: 2chickiebaby on February 05, 2010, 04:00:12 PM
Dear Second Wife,
We have a DIL or two on here who could be of so much help to you.  They know a lot about counseling so I hope they can help.

I'm afraid I'm not that up on it.  You have a hard situation to have and I am so sorry. 

Sassy??  Can you help?  Luise?  Can you?
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: Scoop on February 05, 2010, 06:50:22 PM
But SecondWife ... that's it?  He says no and that's the end of the discussion?

That's a really scary prospect, because if he's not willing to negotiate then what?  Then you either stay with him and suck it up or else you leave him?  That's ridiculous! 

Personally, I would stop arguing with him over it.  Why argue in February over something in May?  But sometime around the end of April, I would make plans with my Mom and my son, and then I would GO.  Because if it's okay for him to make decisions that make him happy, YOU can make decisions that make YOU happy.  And if he doesn't like it, he can go suck on a lemon, you offered a compromise and he rejected it. 

Scoop
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: cocobars on February 05, 2010, 08:37:46 PM
Second wife, I have to agree with Scoop on this one!  The fact that he states even to a counsellor that he doesn't want to change is a real scary prospect.  Can you stay in counselling, or has he nixed that idea also?

If you can stay in there, it will give you the chance to reach him in time.  He just may need time.  He sounds very set in his ways and stubborn that you are just supposed to go along with what he has planned.  It may be an adjustment for him to understand that you are his new wife and he needs to consider you as much as he did his deceased wife. 

Anyway, we are here for you!  Don't you hesitate to come through and keep checking your post.  You will get other opinions and suggestions also! 

Take care!

Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: luise.volta on February 05, 2010, 09:00:39 PM
Well. I, for one, am mad at him!
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: cocobars on February 06, 2010, 06:39:13 AM
Quote from: luise.volta on February 05, 2010, 09:00:39 PM
Well. I, for one, am mad at him!
I agree with you Luise!  I just didn't want to say it "out-loud."  I honestly don't understand some of these men with second wives.  The women love them so much and aren't considered.  Most treated as you so well put it, like they're "invisible."  How awful to feel like you are overshadowed by a wife who is no longer here.  You would think the first wife would be remembered and her memory respected.  But secondwife should be just as important.

Makes my decision not to date even more reasonable sounding!  LOL!  I don't think I could live through another one like my husband anyway!  My parents said I wasn't the same "coco (insert my name)" when I came back and have never been the same since.  There is only so much the heart can take sometimes...

Second wife, you keep trying.  If not, then Scoop had a really good idea.  Let him do what he wants to do.  This is YOUR mother's day, and he should be respectful of that, just as you are of him.  Keep us posted and know we are thinking about you!
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: Pen on February 06, 2010, 08:42:22 AM
What an awkward situation. There's got to be a way to assure DH and his kids that you are not out to destroy all memory of the first wife, but also that you need to be treated as the wife now. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I hope DH wakes up soon and realizes he's got to put these relationships in their proper places.
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: luise.volta on February 06, 2010, 08:51:39 AM
It all worked out for me because it was the family, not my husband, who took that position. He was really amazing and instantly gave me his 100% loyalty. I moved into "their house" and every drawer, closet, file and shelf was packed with stuff that I was unfamiliar with. His solution: sell, sort and move on!  ;D

I am "tolerated" after 20 years...that may be as good as it gets. Oh, well...we're just fine!!  :)
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: Hope on April 07, 2010, 09:06:50 PM
Quote from: coco on January 30, 2010, 05:47:57 PM
Oh Chickie.  My experience wasn't scary at all.  It was absolutely heavenly but I have noticed from talking to other people who pass and then come back, It is such a highly charged emotional experience that there is no way of telling anyone without the tears turning on...    Over the years (my experience being about 15 years ago) I've learned not to talk about it unless I really know someone personally.  Otherwise the twilight zone music starts up and some doctor starts chasing me with a syringe and a straight jacket!  HA!  No, I just get looks.  So now I make sure someone knows me very well before I tell them.

That was an awsome experience for him.  Another thing.  People who go through this passing and coming back experience change.  It just changes them.  I'm happy he talked to your husband.  He shared what he went through and there must be a reason for him to do that.  We don't always know why God does what he does, but there is always a reason.  It's just not always aparent right away what that reason is.  I've realized reasons for things happening to me in "hindsight" most times.  Like I said in my post last week.  It's hard to understand when you're going through it.  It wouldn't surprise me if there were a terrible evil vs. good war going on here right now.  Look at our whole world.  Do you think things have changed for good?

I left my body too.  Maybe some day I can talk about it here.  I'm just happy I found this place You and Luise started.  I feel safe and accepted here and I love that feeling.

I am absolutely fascinated by stories of living through a death experience.  Thanks for sharing the story, Chickie.  And Coco, I'm really ready to hear your story whenever you are ready to tell........and I'm so thankful you are here to share.
Hugs, Hope
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: catchingup on May 15, 2010, 11:53:21 AM
Quote from: cocobars on January 30, 2010, 05:47:57 PM
Oh Chickie.  My experience wasn't scary at all.  It was absolutely heavenly but I have noticed from talking to other people who pass and then come back, It is such a highly charged emotional experience that there is no way of telling anyone without the tears turning on...    Over the years (my experience being about 15 years ago) I've learned not to talk about it unless I really know someone personally.  Otherwise the twilight zone music starts up and some doctor starts chasing me with a syringe and a straight jacket!  HA!  No, I just get looks.  So now I make sure someone knows me very well before I tell them.

That was an awsome experience for him.  Another thing.  People who go through this passing and coming back experience change.  It just changes them.  I'm happy he talked to your husband.  He shared what he went through and there must be a reason for him to do that.  We don't always know why God does what he does, but there is always a reason.  It's just not always aparent right away what that reason is.  I've realized reasons for things happening to me in "hindsight" most times.  Like I said in my post last week.  It's hard to understand when you're going through it.  It wouldn't surprise me if there were a terrible evil vs. good war going on here right now.  Look at our whole world.  Do you think things have changed for good?

I left my body too.  Maybe some day I can talk about it here.  I'm just happy I found this place You and Luise started.  I feel safe and accepted here and I love that feeling.

I would love to hear your story.

It is true that people rarely accept stories like this but they do happen.

I had an experiance. I was very worried about something concerning my health.

I had fallen asleep on a Saturday afternoon and I woke up but could not move. I was in a trance and I had a vision of the lord and he reached down and cupped his hand in mine.

It was not scary just awesome. I never speak about this unless I feel the need to. There must be a reason why I am doing so now.

I had a friend who was ill with lung cancer and I phoned her one day and said"I dont know why I have to tell you this" and related my experiance.
She wept and I just allowed her to cry. Somehow she needed reassurance that there was a God.

I have repeated this to very few people and never done so publically.

One other time I told someone this was to a Methodist minister (86 years old).
It was at a market. He was talking to me at my stall.
He turned around and walked away, without saying a word , to the stall opposite me and kept his back turned as if he wanted to hide from me.
My immediate reaction was "He thinks I am nuts"

I think he was on the verge of tears. He turned round and walked back to me and said"I cannot tell you what you have done for me today"

He died shortly afterwards.I think even ministers need reassurance.
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: Hope on May 15, 2010, 11:59:42 AM
Catchingup,
Coco is no longer with us so she will not be able to share her story.
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: catchingup on May 15, 2010, 10:11:47 PM

Did she pass away?
Title: Re: second wife's DM = second rate to DH
Post by: Hope on May 15, 2010, 10:19:14 PM
Oh, no - sorry I gave that impression.  She was removed from the site.  She can no longer post here.

Modified to add that Coco may still be visiting the forum but is no longer able to post. She was loved by many and her absence is noticable.  I still miss her.