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Actually we recieved a formal invitation to their wedding about five weeks ago.  We had till the end of March to send the RSVP.  Hubby and I were struggling with several issues - not the least of which was confusion as to why we were being invited since she has not maintained contact at all.  No one on my husband side or mine received invitations.  As much as we wanted to be a part of her day, we decided not to attend because we don't know any of her friends or 'family' that will be there....we don't know what she has been saying to them about us....and we were given an ultimatum about letting them know whether  we were coming via text message.  The same text exchange said she 'did not have time' to meet with us.  We offered to drive the three hours to her location but still...'no time.'  Some days I feel as if we are being unreasonable and other days like they are.  We did send a gift - the pots and pans set on their registry and I sent a Russian doll measuring up set that I bought when she was nine.  Its been sitting on a shelf in our kitchen all these years. I told her then it was her wedding present.  Given that she 'has no memories of growing up' in our house, I am wondering if she will remember that.

I LOVE the reference of the message in the card.  So much truth in that.  We tend to look at things happening around us rather than things we have had and hold in our memories.  I miss my estranged daughter terribly but rejoice in the delight and enjoyment that we had with her when we had her in our lives.  She was/is a character.  Hugs, my friend.

     Thank you, Bamboo2. True to what I have read about adopting older orphanage children, my DD has always struggled with ownership, decision making and consequences.  I think what we would like to convey in that conversation is that she take ownership for her behavior - and how she hurt us - but also to let her know that we can all move past it and have a decent, adult relationship going forward.  Unfortunately - but again attributed to that orphanage mentality - she is happiest to relinquish control and decision making to other people.  We forced her to think for herself over and over and over as she was growing up.  Sometimes having to choosing a flavor of ice cream would draw tears.  What little contact we have had with the GF conveys that she is in control of their relationship, what they do and where they go.  We feel SHE is the one who would bring animosity to the table in an attempt to sever our relationship with DD.  This is why we insisted on the meeting with her alone first. But she fears us.  Not sure why...unless she really feels the gravity of what she has done.  She left us with quite a few financial obligations when she walked away from school.  We are not paying off her share of her school loan but then neither is she.  We figure she will lose any tax refunds at one point or another.
       

Thank you, Luise.  I appreciate your experience and your words.  I DID read the Home Page as advised and searched postings to find a situation similar to mine first. Its a doozy. 

Oh wow!  Excellent idea to take a trip during that time!  We did the same when the step daughter was holding her wedding events over my husband's head.  Planned a weekend trip with other family members and then she backed down and we had to cancel our plans to be at the wedding.  Kind of a happy disappointment situation! 

    Our DD is 21.  We adopted her from a Russian orphanage when she was five.  She walked out of our house on Easter Sunday nearly two years ago and that is the last time we have seen her.  Contact has been via phone and text, IF she chooses to answer or return a message.  We recently found out that she has disconnected her phone.  We've not received a forwarding or new number. We have been blocked from all of her social media accounts.  Frustrating. What we have received, however, is an invitation to her wedding.
     To list everything we have gone through with her in the past few years would make this post too lengthy.  In a nut shell, she left our home the week before she was supposed to start conditioning for her scholarship sport and disappeared.  Two days later she contacted us through an older half sister and said she didn't want to play the sport any more and didn't want to attend college after all.  She didn't have an alternative plan and just wanted to 'live in the moment.'  We thought she was nervous and told her she should attend for the first year because the financial aid, class schedules and housing were all in place.  She agreed and we moved her things to the shared school apartment.  After three quarters of horrendous behavior and activity - during which we resorted to a tough love stance - she quit and moved out of state with a distant friend.  She met her partner and is now working and living in a rented home.   About a year ago she sent a message saying that the partner wanted to meet us and we told her that before she brings anyone else into the mix, we felt there needed to be a conversation between her dad and I and her...just three adults at the table.
    DD would like people to think that the reason we are not in her life is because of her sexual orientation.  She tells people that she has no memories of growing up in our home.  he and the GF live three hours away but have been in the area at least once that we know of and she never stopped in to see us.  She has never acknowledged family holidays or celebratory events. Never acknowledged gifts or monies sent to her by family members. Never acknowledged stealing from us.  She has never acknowledged bringing alcohol or drugs into our home.(We found empty bottles, syringes and pot when we were packing her stuff for college.) Never acknowledged lying about having a job and selling her Adderall to fellow students. I just feel like this conversation needs to take place before we can move on.  I just want to know that she knows we love her - and we certainly DO - and is ready to change that.  Is this inappropriate or out of line for us??  Any thoughts?