When my son and DIL married, I was ecstatic and couldn't wait to have a Daughter to love...honestly took it for granted that she would immediately fit right into our family. I was very close to my son and expected her to be close to me to..why? Because he chose her, she must have been wonderful, b/c my son was and I thought his choice would instantly grant us immunity.
As a MIL, mother, wife, I had been so used to calling all the shots, being in total control of situations...learning so much during the 30 years of growing up with my son. Being a mother for so long, I forgot about people skills, self awareness and self discipline....I had been so used to making all the decisions and being in control...as well as having a son whom I literally grew up with and was very close to...he was the light of my life...and still is but in a much different way.
When something happens, I become very angry with the situation, and am a shouter...however when things happened with my DIL, as hurt and mad as I was at the situation, and thought I was to old to do anything wrong. Years of experience, had given me a confidence. I was so unable to put myself in her shoes...
Had no idea how frightening and overwhelming it must have been for her, entering into several new families....it wasn't just mine, but his father's, his stepmother, step parents and step sister and brothers, plus they're wives/husbands...
I couldn't wait to love her...expected her to accept me immediately...she was shy, and standoffish...and probably very afraid...wanted me to like her...my son probably told her that I would love her....I assumed she'd see me as a sort of surrogate mother, mentor and would love me instantly...I had this fantasy for many years, even before my son met her, that she would be the daughter I never had and couldn't wait....and now believe most of our problems were unspoken but conflicting expectations and assumptions.
I think a lot of daughter-in-law's assume that no matter how modern their mother-in-law's are, they are being judged based on the standards of traditional housewives, the ability to keep a clean and cook.
I think mother-in-laws often interpret the decisions of their daughter-in-laws to perform differently, as a rejection of their own choices.
It's the disappointment felt by both women that "gives these relationships their distinctive negative outlook," Add to that a mother's conflicted feelings of pride and loss as a son marries; a wife's insecurity that she's adequately balancing work and home responsibilities, and the tendency of most women to be more sensitive to slights and criticisms than men, and you have the formula for years of trouble. In some respects, jockeying for position which translates a downward spiral from there...
Each is the primary woman in her own primary family. Each tries to establish & protect her status, each feels threatened by the other and you have two women fighting over one man.
Mil's have to let they're son's go, and realize, it's a natural human instinct for the son to leave the nest and start his own family, which may no longer include the many traditions which took MIL years to establish...now DIL wants to start her own traditions, or carry on the traditions of her family.
Being a MIL is tough...painful...and represents loss in some cases...and if the MIL cannot perceive that before her son is married, and accept change, it will be a very significant blow to all she has known for years...which she is interpreting as DIL, trying to drive a wedge between son and herself. It starts off very innocently and builds into a vital war of life and death.
I found in reading forums, most MIL's who are having problems with DIL, were in that same mind set as I was...and didn't realize such drastic changes would not only take effect, but are essential and normal for a new couple. Right away, MIL starts calling all the time, stop by way to much and asks for many dinner arrangements...when her invites are cast off, she views it as a personal rejection failing to perceive that her son and his new wife, need privacy to set up a new household, which in itself can be very trying. Plus they both have full time jobs, and are busy, busy, busy.
MIL's interrupt her visits to her parents as even more of a rejection...and quickly become hurt, green-eyed, defensive and the war begins. MIL's refuse to acknowledge or even think about the fact that DIL is comfortable with her own parents...and wants to be there...son, is willing to do anything to make his wife happy, as his wife's happiness, interprets success to him, plus if she is happy, he is happy. So, he chooses to go where his wife wants to go, and forgets to remind her, that he has family to, that he needs to see...and therein lies the problems that begin a long and agonizing conflict between two families. MIL, deems it as a seemingly deranged scheme to divide her family...DIL, sees it as the MIL, disapproving her, and also as a deranged scheme to divide her brand new family, jealousy on both they're parts, and a fight until the end, for the loyalty from son/husband.
If MIL is speaking to son about the problem, and son defends his wife, which he will of course do, MIL views this as a disloyalty, or that she is making up stories...and if DIL is speaking to husband about her MIL, she also misjudges his actions as a disloyalty to her, when all he is so desperately trying to do, is make them both see, that they're expectations were not lived up to, and both these women are not some alien from another world. It puts him completely in the middle, and it becomes so devastating to him, b/c he can't fix it...and he so wants both they're approvals for wife/mother...for them to just get along.
Then the children come...Oh my? This is another story...same story but magnified, and MIL's takes initiative, due to enthusiasum and a desire to be part of her son's family, to once again, overly project her skills, knowledge and nuturing, not realizing that things have drastically changed since she had a child...
Dil wants to only have her mother there, constantly and gain knowledge from her..once again, MIL, takes this as a rejection of not only her, but her skills, beliefs and personal instutions...and she thinks DIL doesn't trust her, dislikes her, or is trying to keep her from her grand child. Some MIL's are so hurt b/c her mother is there first...and more then she is, and refuse to understand, that maybe it's b/c DIL feels comfortable with her mother...so, MIL, pushes out of hurt and wanting to be just as much a part of her GC's life as DIL's mother. If MIL's could only stand back and wait, give them time, but we're impatient...stubborn and now fighting for our right as a Grandparent and feels that DIL doesn't trust her or let alone like her and often times that isn't the case.
Creme, that may be how it started for you and for many here. That's not what happened in my situation. I'm glad you've found a path that brings you peace; unfortunately we're not all dealing with the same exact dynamics and issues. Best wishes :)
Quote from: Pen on October 25, 2010, 07:40:57 AM
Creme, that may be how it started for you and for many here. That's not what happened in my situation. I'm glad you've found a path that brings you peace; unfortunately we're not all dealing with the same exact dynamics and issues. Best wishes :)
I realize that Pen....and everytime I post something like this, I know someone is going to come in and say exactly what you said...and your right, you couldn't be more right....
however, just once, just once Pen, I really pray, that you and some of the others here wouldn't take the defense when you read my posts, I'm venting, not talking to you personally...it's like you don't like it cause I'm trying to show you some positive aspects of the dynamics of relationships....I realize there are some situations that don't apply?
however, there are things in my post that we can all learn from....
even if it doesnt' apply to our DIL's or MIL's....
Pen, I was simply trying to share some perspectives, from a positive view point, from a generic viewpoint....take what works for you and leave the rest.....
Creme, I think you make a lot of good points. And no, it doesn't fit everyone here but it gives me food for thought. When you were describing the DIL and her mother dynamic it got me thinking of another way to explain to DH to help better set our boundaries. In our case, MIL wants, wants and wants things I wouldn't even be comfortable with my own parents doing. It's not a tug of war here between my parents and his parents, which I think MIL keeps wanting to make a factor and vents to DH about, my parents never even picked up the rope lol! And in any case, it simply doesn't matter what my parents do or not do.
Quote from: pam1 on October 25, 2010, 07:53:48 AM
Creme, I think you make a lot of good points. And no, it doesn't fit everyone here but it gives me food for thought. When you were describing the DIL and her mother dynamic it got me thinking of another way to explain to DH to help better set our boundaries. In our case, MIL wants, wants and wants things I wouldn't even be comfortable with my own parents doing. It's not a tug of war here between my parents and his parents, which I think MIL keeps wanting to make a factor and vents to DH about, my parents never even picked up the rope lol! And in any case, it simply doesn't matter what my parents do or not do.
Hi Pam,
Thanks so much
hope it does help....
Creme, I'm sorry I commented after your post. It wasn't out of defensiveness but for clarity that I said anything at all. You're right, sometimes you just need to write out your feelings without getting a comment from someone. In the future I'll try to be more aware of which posts are which.
Creme your posts are so enlightening. It's refreshing to hear a MIL take evaluation of dynamics and genuinely try to understand where our relationships go wrong. I think you're a good one.
This post really circles back to the previous posts on entitlement and expectations from MILs and DILs alike.
I think we can all learn from the learnings of others. No path is identical with another but there are usually similarities. There is a lot of soul-searching in that post and a there are lot of "ah-has." Mine were different but I can relate. Each one of us who opens up here takes the chance of being misunderstood. Some never open up for that reason.
If we stay we find that being different isn't necessarily being wrong. This isn't a you or me site, it's you and me.
My first DIL thought I was the greatest thing since sliced bread. That gave me a false premise that came back to haunt me as time went by. Now, decades later, my surviving son and his lady are very dear friends. I am sometimes the mom to be revered and I am sometimes the mom in her mid-80s who needs a helping hand. They live their own lives and so do I, but we would be there in a New York Second, if a distress call came.
Great post Creme!
Good post Creme. I really liked the part about DIL being confortable with her family, thus more visits. I also think my DIL is afraid of disappointing her Mother because her Mother is very demanding and would gripe at her about it. So DIL goes along with whatever her Mother wants. And then DS goes along so he doesn't get griped at. What was that old saying, "The squeaky wheel gets the most oil." Or something like that.
I wanted to apologize publically to Pen and others here...and say I'm so sorry for the outburst yesterday...I just get so frustrated, as everyone else, and feel when I sometimes post, there are people here who feel like I'm talking to them directly and are hurt by those posts and feel like they must defend they're feelings due to my posts.
Anything I write here is certainly up for discussion be it you agree or not....that's how we learn, and I learn....I feel badly, because I know people are hurting, disappointed and suffering due to they're problems...and, as everyone else, when some come in and post, that my post doesn't have anything to do with what they're going thru...it makes me feel like they feel I'm directly speaking to them and insulting them, b/c it isn't what they are going thru...I was wrong...and I'm very sorry for offending anyone or hurting anyone...I love philosophy....poetry and am a fixer....always analyzing situations in hopes of helping others...and I get reallly frustrated when some people feel badly b/c of my posts...and think and I was apparently wrong for thinking this, but felt that Pen and others here feel like they must defend they're actions, feelings and beliefs, due to my posts....they are always open for discussion be it you agree or don't agree...I'm very sorry. My reply to Pen wasn't one of yelling at her, it was more frustration and hurt, b/c I feared someone is going to take my post as if I'm saying my experience has to be everyone elses and I'm insulting someone or hurting they're feelings...that isn't my intent.
Please know, and understand, a lot of times, when I'm posting, I'm talking to myself, verifying my own actions and how things happened....reinstating my own beliefs, and trying to recondition my way of thinking....just writing throughts down, and if you disagree, that's ok...I just don't want anyone to feel like they need to defend they're postions b/c of my posts...and if anyone does, then I honestly aplogize..however, I understand now, that I was totally off base.
Sorry
Creme
:) Good morning all. Creme I think your post was perfect! I think we are all feeling our way, venting our own experiences and trying to map out a way to deal with all of this. For me I know my anger was a big factor :o
I sat down yesterday and wrote 5 pages on my blog www.stuckintheprincesspit.blogspot.com (http://www.stuckintheprincesspit.blogspot.com) about my anger, it's a big issue for me, might not be for everyone.
Please keep posting, I'm learning so much from you and I think we can all learn from each other's experiences!!
Good Morning
thank you for the encouragement....and I loved reading your blog...thank you for sharing...
I found it so brutally honest and true...in a comical way...however, not so comical when your living it....there was also a lot of food for thought in it....self examination is good....
I'm wondering...what is the anger from? Is it all due to son's wife, or is it much more, because you seem to have a great grasp on what is going on and how things should be....
you write very well....
;)Thank you and God help me if my family ever finds it, I am toast. I think and this was hard, that my anger was really sparked by my son. I'm in my late 50's and looking back at 28 years of spending all my time living my life for him, and he seems to have forgotten all about it! I didn't expect my DIL to love me right out of the bat, but I never expected my son to stop. :'(
I know he hasn't but his actions are making me feel that way, that's the hard part for me.
Quote from: tryingmybest on October 26, 2010, 06:12:29 AM
;)Thank you and God help me if my family ever finds it, I am toast. I think and this was hard, that my anger was really sparked by my son. I'm in my late 50's and looking back at 28 years of spending all my time living my life for him, and he seems to have forgotten all about it! I didn't expect my DIL to love me right out of the bat, but I never expected my son to stop. :'(
I know he hasn't but his actions are making me feel that way, that's the hard part for me.
I now know the hardest part of being a mother, is letting them go....and wonder sometimes, does it have to do with my son being my only child? Is it b/c I just loved him to much, or because he was the light of my life, or all 3 and more? Yes, we do go thru that period of time, when our lives are extremely dedicated to our children, and believe to, we become as dependent on them as they do on us? Just thoughts, I don't know, really, just contemplations, however, we don't react and feel for one reason, but many...and I believe your son isn't trying to make you feel that way, it's simply a transition we all go thru...
Perhaps my girlfriend who really has great realationships with her DIL's didn't go thru this, b/c she had 5 children? I don't know, perhaps she was more mature then I was, and much further along intellectually then I was? I don't know, but what I do know is, that our son's actions are not meant to hurt us....he's just trying to adjust the best way he knows how to his new life...it isn't as hard on them, b/c your right, he has another woman to go to....to take care of him, and to even make his life more rewarding....it is a must....and very essential part of life....you did it, he's doing it...however, when we did it, did our parents take it so hard and just kept things to themselves? I think they did....b/c I know they were not fond of my husband....
nor what he allowed my son's step mother to do to all of us....especially my son....however, that to was part of life, and I do believe in destiny...was it right for my son to suffer the indignity of being slapped across the face and degraded verbally? No, but as in all things in life, I do believe it is what made him who he is today, a very strong willed, and laid back person....wish I could be more like him....I'm very proud of him....not b/c I raised him but because of who he is....oh, yes, he does make mistakes, he is not perfect, but he is extremely gifted in awareness, writes very well, has a very unique ability with people, guess that is why he's a cop?
Anyway, anger is something I believe we all have to conquer, in different layers....and understanding why we're angry is the first part of managing it....but I believe that showed all throughout your blog....
Quote from: cremebrulee on October 26, 2010, 03:55:29 AM
I wanted to apologize publically to Pen and others here...and say I'm so sorry for the outburst yesterday...I just get so frustrated, as everyone else, and feel when I sometimes post, there are people here who feel like I'm talking to them directly and are hurt by those posts and feel like they must defend they're feelings due to my posts.
Anything I write here is certainly up for discussion be it you agree or not....that's how we learn, and I learn....I feel badly, because I know people are hurting, disappointed and suffering due to they're problems...and, as everyone else, when some come in and post, that my post doesn't have anything to do with what they're going thru...it makes me feel like they feel I'm directly speaking to them and insulting them, b/c it isn't what they are going thru...I was wrong...and I'm very sorry for offending anyone or hurting anyone...I love philosophy....poetry and am a fixer....always analyzing situations in hopes of helping others...and I get reallly frustrated when some people feel badly b/c of my posts...and think and I was apparently wrong for thinking this, but felt that Pen and others here feel like they must defend they're actions, feelings and beliefs, due to my posts....they are always open for discussion be it you agree or don't agree...I'm very sorry. My reply to Pen wasn't one of yelling at her, it was more frustration and hurt, b/c I feared someone is going to take my post as if I'm saying my experience has to be everyone elses and I'm insulting someone or hurting they're feelings...that isn't my intent.
Please know, and understand, a lot of times, when I'm posting, I'm talking to myself, verifying my own actions and how things happened....reinstating my own beliefs, and trying to recondition my way of thinking....just writing throughts down, and if you disagree, that's ok...I just don't want anyone to feel like they need to defend they're postions b/c of my posts...and if anyone does, then I honestly aplogize..however, I understand now, that I was totally off base.
Sorry
Creme
Creme, no worries. I can't speak for everyone, but I know for sure I was not ever offended or hurt. We just had a misunderstanding regarding what your needs were. It's all good.
Yanno, Pen, I've been trying so hard to be strong...but am dealing with my own inhibitions about son, DIL and GD....sometimes it's so hard to be strong....and yet, deep down I know, it's got to be this way....I miss my son...and miss having a relationship with my DIL and GD....I can't tell you how difficult it was, when they moved back to the other state after trying it out here for a year. I had my GD every weekend, both days....and when they left, it was so so hard....but I fought it and tried hard not to think about it. I remember everytime we spoke of it in front of GD, she seemed distant, and sad...she was only 3, but she didn't want to be excited about it...she knew there was a change coming, but didn't know what exactly, I think?
Anyway, they called me in route, and my DIL said, GD got sick and thew up....and when they arrived back home in they're state...GD was nervous and upset....
Yanno, my son's stepmother I think was jealous that I had GD every weekend....and yet, go figure, she had all her own grand children from her three kids who had several...I only had one child and one GD, however, she made it a point to let me know my GD was hers....I left it go, but it cut very deeply. What I struggle with is, I was able to let go of the part in my son's life where she hit him and verbally abused him....it was horrible b/c when I was little, and my own mother beat me and verbally abused me, I vowed to God, no one would ever do that to my children, and I was going to have several children....so, there was a time, when I would have been perfectly happy to grab my son's step mother and do the same thing to her...however, in the stead, I clenched my fists everytime she was around....but talk about the devil inside of us, and what something like that can do to your persona and life.....and what bothered me most, was that his father, his own father, dismissed it...being right at all costs was important. Sheesh, that disgusts me...allowing this woman to slap my son across the face repeatidly...and the judge told him right out, that was like telling a kid, they're a piece of sh__. Those were his exact words. My son was so nervous...yanno, when he was little he used to sing and sing very well....he sang at a lawn fete and that was the last time he sang...I believe his step mother badgered him, he just stopped singing and refused to ever sing again, even to this day. When he'd have to go there, he'd get so nervous....she'd grab him by the arm and scream at him...tld him his father was sick because of him...he was only 7 years old????? Some one like that, to me, is nothing but evil....
But, as time went by, I thought, if my son can forgive her then so can I. But it took years....
Then, after my last visit, DIL and I really didn't do well, this was about maybe 4 or 5 years ago, I'm not good at remembering dates, time, etc. My mother was in a nursing home, and so was my son's father's mother. Her and I and my son's one aunt have remained good friends, however, I have to keep my distance, due to son's stepmother, she is so jealous and I don't know why???? She has everything anyone could ever want????
I've discussed this with my ex mother in law, and my son's aunt, and told them, I'd visit more, but don't want to cause trouble, they both understand and know she is so jealous, it would only cause problems if his step mother knew I went to visit them.
So, I was leaving the nursing home and DS's Father and Stepmother were also there...b/c my son's, father's mother was also there...yanno, they don't know this Pen, but we took mom out on the porch, b/c it was summer, she was in a wheel chair, and so was my son's father's mother...so I went and got her and also wheeled her out and we all had such a nice chat together, my sister, my mom, my ex mother in law....and me....
So, I'm leaving the home, and bump into ex and his wife....and they asked me about the trip...and I was so angry then, thinking and believing DIL was mean to me on purpose, you know the whole story...so, all of a sudden, my son's step mother says to me...."Creme, when you were there did DIL work?" I questioned a "no, why"....she says..."well when we were there, DIL worked and we had GD allllll to ourselves".....I near dropped on the floor...all I did, was turn and walk away....it was all I could do to keep from crying.
Another time, when the kids were little, I used to invite her older son to come over to our home sometimes....and we'd take him places, etc. My son and he were good friends....and I thought it would help my son acclimate to they're marriage....the new sister and brothers.
Do you know, that my son's step brother once said to my son when they were little, "I don't understand, why mom treats you so mean?"
Then time passed, and we went thru the stage of they're marriage and all of a sudden she changed and became very jealous of me and the friendship my ex and I had....all went well until then...I will never ever forget the phone call from them and they were both on the line....by the way, whenever he would call me, she would be on the other end listening....how sick is that?
Anyway, they proceeded to tell me, they were going to have my son call her mom...! God that cut deep...do you know, when we divorced he came to me and said.."Creme, can I ask you a question, if we remarry, can we not have our son call our new spouses mom or dad" I said, "sure, of course?" So, I get this phone call and wanted to fight it, but when they said they wanted son to feel like part of the family, I thought, "I can't do what my heart wants me to do, I've got to do what is right for my son..." so I didn't fight it...
The hell that was to follow I cannot tell you...I've forgotten a lot, due to the MS, and maybe that is a good thing...but I also worked on forgetting, I had to...I just had to....
and now, we're moving ahead in time, and my DIL and I don't get along....once, my Girlfriend asked me if she thought that my son's step mother may have a lot to do with this...? I said, I didn't think DIL would allow her to sway her about me, however, you never know? So, Pen, it's really the same for me, b/c they lean towards his father's family and step mother....DIL calls them mom and Dad, and me creme...however, I'm just very fortunate right now that we're friends....but Pen, it will never be the same again....time has caused such great hurt and pain for all of us....and while we are friends, thank God, and I'm crying now...I try so hard to be strong and be realistic....and to pursue on, keep myself very busy...travel, good friends, we have girls night out every Friday...and
I have no husband, which is ok, but sometimes, I wish I did...then I think, Nope.. ;D don't ever want to live someone Else's idea of what my life should be...." ;D so I talk myself out of that pretty quick...LOL....but, I'm really no better off then all of you....and sometimes, yes, it cuts deep...but I tell you true, if I had known, then, what I know now, it would have never happened, I wouldn't have allowed it to happen....
My son's step mother, is loving this...it's like sticking the knife in my back and twisting it. Matter of fact, one of my new friends said, she grew up in the area and school district my son's stepmother did and she knows the family...do you know what she told me? She said, my son's step mother's mother, was a whack job, and the kids were so screwed up....she said, she heard stories about my son's step mom and how controlling and angry she is...and also heard stories about how she treated my son and the horrible custody battle we all went thru....and it was very difficult....the hardest part was forgiving them...but I had to...I couldn't continue to live as I was living with all that anger and hate....oh by the way, this women who told me this, isn't one to gossip, but she was so shocked to find out who my son's step mom is.
When this was going on with me and DIL, it worked to my son's step mom's favor...but cha know, she'd call me, and ask me how I was doing, get me to talk about it....and I confided in her...she told me when I was down to stop by anytime....and talk about it, and a couple of times I did...I did b/c they were close to the situation, I was looking for validation and b/c I wasn't hearing from them, thought perhaps they could help....but all I did was say, "I didn't do anything wrong"....????? All the while, she was setting me up...????? My girlfriend warned me about it, she said, someone like her doesn't change....do not to trust her....but I didn't listen....I was desprate...felt forelorned, grasping at straws....I didn't listen...they were close to the situation and I really thought and believed, or wanted to believe, they could help...????
So, my son will never know how I feel about this, I could never breath a word...I don't want them to feel obligated to me for anything in the world....I want them to be and call me, what ever they feel comfortable with...and visit me according to they're comfort level....it can't be any other way...I don't ever want them to feel like that HAVE TO? I've been there and know what that feels like...it causes resentment and makes you feel like you don't want to be there all the more, b/c you feel obligated to...yanno...so, even though, thank God, my DIL are friends, it's never going to be that Norman Rockwell painting, for many reasons....1. The distance, 2. They need to be with his father more 3. the problems with my DIL...
and yet, we as mothers, Pen, we'd give our lives for them....wouldn't we....
just to have some sort of normalcy with them....it really hurts and I know I shouldn't allow it to, to know, they gravitate more towards his father's family....I see it as them gravitating towards her....his stepmother...however, logically, my son has grown close to her children...and her children's spouses and the grand children...and the grand children call my DIL aunt..and I'm really glad my son and his wife have the family I could never give them...I just don't know why I couldn't have more children, I always lost them when I was pregnant....lost 3, and was very lucky to have my son....very fortunate, he was the light of my life...a very good and easy child to raise....and it was hard to let him move on....I just thank God, for all the quotes and poetry that remained in my head, like, "loving someone isn't loving them just when it's easy to do so", and "sometimes the greatest gift you can give someone you love, is to let them go". Those surely helped....along with many good friends and supportive family....my foster family that is....so, things could have been a lot worse...
Whew...must be getting closer to the holidays....huh....sorry for the book but had to vent...I suppose this needed to be said....LOL
Last year, we had a great holiday season and I plan the same this year...lots of friends and family....lot's of food, wine and drink....we all had a great time last year and this year will be the same...I won't allow this to get me down....it is as it should be and I trust life, destiny and God.
Really hope you understand....
Creme
((((Creme)))) I have no words, some people are just awful.
A good friend of mine always say that people choose mirrors to marry/be friends with. They see something in the other person that they recognize or want. My guess is that you really, really don't want a relationship with a person who chooses to be close to this stepmom. Birds of a feather flock together. It is no surprise to me that your son would choose to marry someone like her, what is that saying? He "recognized" her in the mirror and he wants to fix a childhood trauma.
He is going to have to work it out on his own. You just keep being you, Creme.
Creme, your story has always resounded with me (have stepmother issues of my own.) You've conducted yourself with restraint for your DS's sake, and I hope in the future he can understand all that was going on and why you had to do what you did. Your holiday plans sound wonderful; best wishes for a joyous season, Creme, for you & for all of us. This time of year is intense so we must take care of ourselves. I feel so blessed to have this WW family. Creme, thank you for sharing your very painful stories with us. I know it isn't easy....take care.
Quote from: pam1 on October 27, 2010, 07:37:02 AM
((((Creme)))) I have no words, some people are just awful.
A good friend of mine always say that people choose mirrors to marry/be friends with. They see something in the other person that they recognize or want. My guess is that you really, really don't want a relationship with a person who chooses to be close to this stepmom. Birds of a feather flock together. It is no surprise to me that your son would choose to marry someone like her, what is that saying? He "recognized" her in the mirror and he wants to fix a childhood trauma.
He is going to have to work it out on his own. You just keep being you, Creme.
No, My DIL is not like my son's step mother....believe me....we just reconciled our differences this year...but if my DIL were like my son's step mom, she wouldn't have agreed to even talk....I really do believe there are a lot of character similations between my DIL and myself....and don't think she is anywhere near what his step mom is....and Pen, his step mom, is hugely cunning....you don't even know she's going to hit you with a whammy....it's difficult to explain but believe me, she is extremely good at hiding her persona....and the thing is, my son's father is aware of this....and yet, he never says a word to her when she hurts people...
Yanno what I think Pen, I think she's very angry and hurting others gives her satisfaction and makes her feel complete....she thrives on it....and control, and since my son grew up seeing her like that, and his father being passive....and giving her, her way to survive as peacefully as he could....
One time she said to him in front of the kids at the dinner table....
"when you die, I'm going to be a very rich woman"....I know that because my son asked me about it and I said why and he told me when they sat down to eat, she said this at the dinner table...and oh....
my ex was dating a wonderful woman...I loved her and actually told her that I hoped they'd marry....and she would be my son's step mom....saw her much later, and apparently this woma he is now married to was her best friend, they worked together, and my son's now step mom, worked her way into his father's heart....imagine....her best friend? Never saw that girl again....but sheeesh....
so, no, Pen, I know my DIL is nothing like her....my DIL and I just had problems of insecurity and both of us thought we hated each other....but I wonder if my son's step mom, didn't have a hand in that? Hope I'm wrong?
anyway, restraining myself, was the toughest thing I've ever had to do in my life....I was like a mama bear protecting her cub...I could vision myself in a room with this woman, a very small room with a locked door, for one minute....isn't that awful? I had to really work on getting those thoughts of wanting to grab her out of my mind....I can't imagine if someone would have slapped her children across the face, time after time....and I never ever wanted my son to feel the indignity of that...
my son was so little, he's probably forgotten most of this...and he surely wasn't aware of the great fear that was pending due to a custody hearing. You see, I sought out an attorney to make certain my son wasn't around her when his father wasn't there, and they counter sued me for custody and you should have seen the visitation they were seeking...sheeesh? Anyway,I had my son see a school counselor, because his grades were dropping plus the school principle was my teacher and we had a lot of documentation and they knew it so they agreed to stop the custody suit if I agreed to they're visitation....again, super controlling people...so, I bought a home 1/5 hours away, so they couldn't have the control they had...it was nasty...really nasty....
Oh, my I better stop, I'm getting angry all over again...but no, my son doesn't remember much...and he doesn't realize how brutally nasty his step mother was and is....she does take good care of his father and she did apologize to my son....said she'd never do it again....so end of story....
so just know, I'm not the tough guy I appear to be...it's an act..deep down, I'm struggling sometimes to....like I say, It's a constant work in progress, and I try to kick these thoughts out of my head as soon as they enter and consentrate on positive things, if you don't, it will eat you alive.....I know.
Thanks Pam and Pen
Hugs
Creme
I'm with you, too, Creme. There is such a delicate balance between moving on and getting stuck. For me, they sometimes alternate when I am up against something really hard...for instance my husband's present "existence" in a nursing home or the loss of my eldest son when he was 52. I think we have to dive into these hard places to be able to get through them. When we vent, they are highlighted and seem to consume us but we can't "grow through" something we can't or won't address and face.
I too have lost two babies; one was premature and the other was still born. Then my eldest son died at 52 right after my surviving son moved to the middle of the Pacific Ocean (Hawaii.) Luckily, we don't know, when we "sign up," what's in store for us and beyond that...what it has to teach us. Sending love...
Quote from: luise.volta on October 27, 2010, 11:42:19 AM
I'm with you, too, Creme. There is such a delicate balance between moving on and getting stuck. For me, they sometimes alternate when I am up against something really hard...for instance my husband's present "existence" in a nursing home or the loss of my eldest son when he was 52. I think we have to dive into these hard places to be able to get through them. When we vent, they are highlighted and seem to consume us but we can't "grow through" something we can't or won't address and face.
I too have lost two babies; one was premature and the other was still born. Then my eldest son died at 52 right after my surviving son moved to the middle of the Pacific Ocean (Hawaii.) Luckily, we don't know, when we "sign up," what's in store for us and beyond that...what it has to teach us. Sending love...
Luise, if I let it, I could sit and cry about loosing those babies....I don't allow it to happen and don't talk about it much....however, if I do, I really really wish, yanno? Do you feel that way to?
Thanks for your kind words...and yes, we don't know, however, I must believe for my own self preservation, that everything that happens to us, is b/c we have our own personal journeys to learn from this and move on, if we don't move on, we do get stuck like you say...plus, I believe it makes us stronger mentally for the next onslaught....? But that's just me, it works...LOL
Hugs
Creme
I think we all do it, because we are human. I have resolved myself to my granddaughter situation, and I know there is nothing I can do about it right now. People ask me about her, and I can talk about her just fine. I have pictures up in my house of her that I cherish. Doesn't bother me. But me and DH are at the store the other day, and I am looking at Halloween stuff and all of a sudden, water-works. He's looking at me and around the store like, "Who do I need to kill?" and I am bawling in the middle of the aisle. Bless his heart, he didn't know what was going on. I just kind of shook my head at him and headed to the parking lot. When I got in the car he is looking at me all pityful going, "Honey, whats wrong? You sick or hurting?" I finally managed to stop crying and explained. Last year, we had my GC for Halloween. We dressed her up and went trick or treating. It was so great and standing there, a year later looking at all the costumes, just reminded me of her and how long it had been since I saw her. I mean, BLAM...out of no where. So it happens to everyone and if it didn't, that's when I would worry about you.
Poor DH. When I told him, he understood and took me to Starbucks for a double-chocolate chip frappacino. So then I was crying but hyper. ;D
Creme - I don't think we can ever get completely past the "what ifs." Our losses and wins are part of who we are. Sending love...
Cremebrulee I think your first post here makes a lot of sense.
When we moved into our first flat one would have thought that MIL was the wife who was going to make the decisions regarding furniture,curtains,pictures on the wall etc.etc.
I wasn't even consulted.
Before we were married our week-ends were spent on her choice of entertainment.
Goodness how stupid I was not to see what was happening.He was so tied to her apron strings.
She critized everthing I did whereas my mother always encouraged and believed in me.
My mother lived far away so I was left on my own to fight my own battles.
She did not only hold on to her son she took over our marriage until I kicked her out.Then I was the baddie
I believe mothers must let go totally.Even our conversation can sometimes alienate DIL's because we treat our sons as a single person instead of including them and DIL as a unit in conversation.
What I mean is we will say to son "When are you going to..." instead of "When are the two of you going to...." just as a simple example.
My MIL could never accept me as part of the family and she ended up not being part of ours. Then I was to blame.
I guess being a sergeant major in the army and having servants to do her housework,cooking,gardening etc all her life allowed her to think she could order me about.
I read some of these posts on here and I wonder whether some MIL's are examining themselves, saying or doing something unintentionally that they are not aware of.
Their sons are normally so part of their lives that MIL's tend to think they can carry on being the one's to make the decisions.
Even though it is normally with good intentions.
I think mothers have to let go to such an extent that they must feel free to catch up on all the things they missed out on while bringing up children.
They have to feel like they felt when the bell rang at school at the end of the school term.
Holiday freedom. Who wants to take the teacher on holiday with them? Bugger off and enjoy yourself let them get on with it is what I say.
Our lives revolved round them. Unfortunately that is no longer the case when they marry.I just say we as MIL's have to push the bird out of the nest and let them get on with it.Set it free and it will come back to you . Hold on and it will struggle until it is free of you.
I agree, CU - and for me it was sometimes easier said than done. When "It was over" I didn't know it was over and I couldn't understand what was happening. There was no process leading up to it that lead me to believe that things would change that much. I was so naive...I thought all I had to adjust to was DS not living at home and that I got to have a DIL, which I was really looking forward to. When DS came home from his stint in the Marines in Vietnam, I was already used to his not living at home so all that was left was the wonderful DIL part. Right? Wrong...
However, I saw nothing ominous on the horizon. I had never heard of the dynamics we see on this site every day. I didn't know that if I had been an over- involved and over-protective mother or that DS would find a lady of like ilk and the door would close. I actually got fired, I suppose.
None of those dynamics appeared with my second son. Partly because I was a more relaxed mom, I suppose and partly because my expectations never returned to that all-time high. Email has saved me/us. Wherever we are, there is an almost daily stream of consciousness that we both enjoy. And of course, he has a different personality and a vastly different concept of me.
It's sure a sticky wicket! :o
They say there is a reason for everything and there sure is a reason for this site.
It is a godsend--well thought out by a wise lady.
It has given me so much insite into what can happen and the way to prevent it.
I would say it has made me realize just how often things go wrong in relationships. No one is alone.
Ofcourse with my own MIL experiance I should know what not to do in my relationship with FDIL's.
Quote from: Pooh on October 27, 2010, 12:20:33 PM
I think we all do it, because we are human. I have resolved myself to my granddaughter situation, and I know there is nothing I can do about it right now. People ask me about her, and I can talk about her just fine. I have pictures up in my house of her that I cherish. Doesn't bother me. But me and DH are at the store the other day, and I am looking at Halloween stuff and all of a sudden, water-works. He's looking at me and around the store like, "Who do I need to kill?" and I am bawling in the middle of the aisle. Bless his heart, he didn't know what was going on. I just kind of shook my head at him and headed to the parking lot. When I got in the car he is looking at me all pityful going, "Honey, whats wrong? You sick or hurting?" I finally managed to stop crying and explained. Last year, we had my GC for Halloween. We dressed her up and went trick or treating. It was so great and standing there, a year later looking at all the costumes, just reminded me of her and how long it had been since I saw her. I mean, BLAM...out of no where. So it happens to everyone and if it didn't, that's when I would worry about you.
Poor DH. When I told him, he understood and took me to Starbucks for a double-chocolate chip frappacino. So then I was crying but hyper. ;D
ahhhh Pooh,
I'm so so sorry...I know, I do know...
my grand daughter barely knows me any more...but I won't allow it to interfer with my life...life is to short...and maybe someday, Pooh, you and me, we'll meet them all over again, when they're older...I'm so hoping...
In the meantime, I vow to be happy, and you must to...ok? Hugs
Now can we hug and sing "Feelings".... ;D
Hugs
Creme
Quote from: catchingup on October 27, 2010, 01:23:54 PM
Cremebrulee I think your first post here makes a lot of sense.
When we moved into our first flat one would have thought that MIL was the wife who was going to make the decisions regarding furniture,curtains,pictures on the wall etc.etc.
I wasn't even consulted.
Before we were married our week-ends were spent on her choice of entertainment.
Goodness how stupid I was not to see what was happening.He was so tied to her apron strings.
She critized everthing I did whereas my mother always encouraged and believed in me.
My mother lived far away so I was left on my own to fight my own battles.
She did not only hold on to her son she took over our marriage until I kicked her out.Then I was the baddie
I believe mothers must let go totally.Even our conversation can sometimes alienate DIL's because we treat our sons as a single person instead of including them and DIL as a unit in conversation.
What I mean is we will say to son "When are you going to..." instead of "When are the two of you going to...." just as a simple example.
My MIL could never accept me as part of the family and she ended up not being part of ours. Then I was to blame.
I guess being a sergeant major in the army and having servants to do her housework,cooking,gardening etc all her life allowed her to think she could order me about.
I read some of these posts on here and I wonder whether some MIL's are examining themselves, saying or doing something unintentionally that they are not aware of.
Their sons are normally so part of their lives that MIL's tend to think they can carry on being the one's to make the decisions.
Even though it is normally with good intentions.
I think mothers have to let go to such an extent that they must feel free to catch up on all the things they missed out on while bringing up children.
They have to feel like they felt when the bell rang at school at the end of the school term.
Holiday freedom. Who wants to take the teacher on holiday with them? Bugger off and enjoy yourself let them get on with it is what I say.
Our lives revolved round them. Unfortunately that is no longer the case when they marry.I just say we as MIL's have to push the bird out of the nest and let them get on with it.Set it free and it will come back to you . Hold on and it will struggle until it is free of you.
you are so right Catching up...I know in my heart, and soul, it is what a mother has to do....and feel as if I'm doing the right thing for all 3 of them....it's they're turn to live they're lives, however they choose, and all I wish for them is happiness....
Hugs
Creme
Quoteluise.volta
I agree, CU - and for me it was sometimes easier said than done. When "It was over" I didn't know it was over and I couldn't understand what was happening. There was no process leading up to it that lead me to believe that things would change that much. I was so naive...I thought all I had to adjust to was DS not living at home and that I got to have a DIL, which I was really looking forward to. When DS came home from his stint in the Marines in Vietnam, I was already used to his not living at home so all that was left was the wonderful DIL part. Right? Wrong...
They don't give us a manual when we have them, and they certainly don't prepare us for when they leave...
there is no right or wrong Luise, it just is.... ;D I think?
QuoteHowever, I saw nothing ominous on the horizon. I had never heard of the dynamics we see on this site every day. I didn't know that if I had been an over- involved and over-protective mother or that DS would find a lady of like ilk and the door would close. I actually got fired, I suppose.
yes, we sure did...fired...LOL...funny but not...so true...however, in my heart Luise, I know it is right for them to go...but it is tough...however, for me, once I became aware, there was great peace....
QuoteNone of those dynamics appeared with my second son. Partly because I was a more relaxed mom, I suppose and partly because my expectations never returned to that all-time high. Email has saved me/us. Wherever we are, there is an almost daily stream of consciousness that we both enjoy. And of course, he has a different personality and a vastly different concept of me.
It's sure a sticky wicket! :o
yes, a sticky wicket, but life is so grandeur...isn't it?
Thanks so much
Creme
Quote from: cremebrulee on October 27, 2010, 03:16:32 PM
Quote from: Pooh on October 27, 2010, 12:20:33 PM
I think we all do it, because we are human. I have resolved myself to my granddaughter situation, and I know there is nothing I can do about it right now. People ask me about her, and I can talk about her just fine. I have pictures up in my house of her that I cherish. Doesn't bother me. But me and DH are at the store the other day, and I am looking at Halloween stuff and all of a sudden, water-works. He's looking at me and around the store like, "Who do I need to kill?" and I am bawling in the middle of the aisle. Bless his heart, he didn't know what was going on. I just kind of shook my head at him and headed to the parking lot. When I got in the car he is looking at me all pityful going, "Honey, whats wrong? You sick or hurting?" I finally managed to stop crying and explained. Last year, we had my GC for Halloween. We dressed her up and went trick or treating. It was so great and standing there, a year later looking at all the costumes, just reminded me of her and how long it had been since I saw her. I mean, BLAM...out of no where. So it happens to everyone and if it didn't, that's when I would worry about you.
Poor DH. When I told him, he understood and took me to Starbucks for a double-chocolate chip frappacino. So then I was crying but hyper. ;D
ahhhh Pooh,
I'm so so sorry...I know, I do know...
my grand daughter barely knows me any more...but I won't allow it to interfer with my life...life is to short...and maybe someday, Pooh, you and me, we'll meet them all over again, when they're older...I'm so hoping...
In the meantime, I vow to be happy, and you must to...ok? Hugs
Now can we hug and sing "Feelings".... ;D
Hugs
Creme
Thanks Creme and yes, we are gonna be just fine!
Ok you asked for it, and remember I warned you about the whole cat's tail in the door thing.......
Feeeeeeeelllllinnnngggggssss.........whoa whoa whoa feeeeelllliiinnnggggssss.......
LOL
ahhhh, that was BEAUTIFUL...!!!!!!!!
Hmmm.....you never mentioned you were tone deaf :o
;D ;D ;D