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Grandchildren / Re: Raising Grandkids
« Last post by luise.volta on September 21, 2018, 08:52:18 AM »
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Grandchildren / Re: Raising Grandkids
« Last post by Stilllearning on September 20, 2018, 06:12:32 PM »
Hi B!!  Welcome!!  We are glad you found us!  We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.  Also you might want to change your screen name to something less identifiable.  We believe that posts are more honest and forthright when there is little chance that the off hand visitor might identify us. 

Your post is written about your grandchildren but you actually raised them so it was difficult for me to choose where to move it.......grandchildren or children?  I hope this choice does not upset you.

I have lots of experience with my DS deciding that my advice was not wanted, needed or appreciated.  He went through a phase like that (and married....ugh!) and he is currently living with the lessons he has learned.  Yes, he now wishes that he had listened to me but.......oh well.  We have two wonderful granddaughters and I love them so much but I honestly still do not see what my DS thought he was marrying.  Anyway with a few more years under his belt and being entirely responsible for his own decisions he has finally seen the light.  I think your grandsons will do the same.  Anyway I hope they will.

For now the best thing you can do for yourself and your DH is to go out and enjoy your life.  Make plans for fun things and try to turn your focus to the things in your life that bring you joy.  My mantras are:
1) No news is good news
2) Not my circus, not my monkeys
and
3) What you focus on expands

Please take heart in the fact that you did the absolute best you could for your grands and one day they will recognize what you did.  Go out and have some fun!!!

Hugs!!
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Grandchildren / Raising Grandkids
« Last post by babsywhit on September 20, 2018, 10:00:24 AM »
Since two of my grandsons were born, I raised them from diapers to teens.  After having the kids in their first four years, I adopted them because my daughter and the father were willing to relinquish their parental rights.  My husband and I nurtured, sent them to school, paid their hospital and dental bills, got involved in their sports activities -- you name it we did it. The reward -- the biological father undermines us and tells the boys we took them away from him, wouldn't let him raise them -- although he chose not to come visit them.  To date, my grandsons have alientated my husband and I.  Family and friends who were an outstanding support system for the boys cannot understand why -- nor can we.

I am hurt, but I have no regrets. Though their last words to us were mean, spiteful, hateful, and sometimes even threatening, we know we did all we could do as parents. Even when those boys eventually got into trouble with the police -- we were there.  Some days I cry more than others.  I love them and I always will.

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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Conflicted
« Last post by gettingoldandcranky on September 19, 2018, 10:05:17 AM »
Frustrated Oma   I feel your pain.  It doesn't make sense and is hurtful.  The solution we have come up with when we are told there is no room for us at birthday parties:  We call on the birthday.  If there is no answer which is what always happens, we leave a message. Hopefully it is passed along, but we called and did what is in our hearts - wishing our loved grandchild a happy birthday.  We ask for a date when we can visit and when we go I bring balloons, cupcakes and we celebrate!  So far this has been allowed to happen fairly close to our grandchilds actual birthday.
A couple of times we were allowed to go to the celebratory party, but a majority of the birthdays there is "no room" for my DS family.
You will get through this and hopefully our grandchildren realize at some point that we love them even though we are not allowed to participate in their lives.
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Conflicted
« Last post by Bamboo2 on September 15, 2018, 08:49:45 PM »
Oma, I'm so sorry to hear about your cancer battle.  You've been through so much.  Please take good care of yourself and treasure the time with those who want to be with you on your journey.  As far as your GS goes, while it may seem like he will miss out on a lot of love throughout his life, as you say, none of us knows the future. 

Sending positive thoughts your way

(((Hugs)))
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Conflicted
« Last post by Frustrated Oma on September 14, 2018, 04:57:36 PM »
Have not posted for a while, been battling ovarian cancer.  Just need a moment to vent, Things between my DS and DIL have been let's just say tolerable,  mostly because I think they are doing what they need to not look like complete jerks in others eyes with what I am battling.  Today I get a text message from my DIL stating that they will not be celebrating my GS 1st birthday as it will be  just the three of them and there will be no other gatherings.  We are welcome to send a gift but there is a whole list of rules of what we can and can not get him.  I just don't get why they are both so adamant about not sharing this child with anyone.  My poor GC is going to be robbed of so much love throughout his life.  I am just so sad..
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Daughter in Law's or Son in Law's Parents / Re: The new grandbaby
« Last post by gettingoldandcranky on September 13, 2018, 07:27:25 AM »
newgranny, I am so sorry for what you are going through.  It is such a wonder to have a new baby in the family. but then to have that joy taken away for no reason is heartbreaking.  I have been going through this for many years.  We have two grandchildren and live an hour away from my DS.  His MIL lives 4 hours away but is with them all the time.  When she visits, and stays for days, we were told we couldn't visit.  It still continues.  It hurts so much that we are not included in activities and our calls to check in or ask for a visit go unanswered.  When I do disconnect because I have had enough things can go silent for weeks.
I find it is better when I let things go and don't push or ask for anything. It only hurts me and their life goes on it's merry way.
We love them.  We have so much to offer - time, love, adventures.  They are missing out.  It is their choice.
Keep coming to this site.  So many go through this problem and it has been so helpful for me to come here and vent.
Good luck to you.  I hope that someday or sometime things change.  And whenever you do get to spend time with your grandson, enjoy and love him like crazy!
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Daughter in Law's or Son in Law's Parents / Re: The new grandbaby
« Last post by luise.volta on September 09, 2018, 07:48:36 AM »
Welcome, N. At first I found it nearly impossible to get that's how things were. I didn't even know about...'what you focus on expands' and the obvious answer, which is 'what you pass on contracts'. My life was about not having it be how it was and keeping track of every hurt. Things didn't change in my case...but I eventually did and my life opened up to the peace and joy I found elsewhere when I finally saw I had a choice and took it. Many hugs!
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Daughter in Law's or Son in Law's Parents / Re: The new grandbaby
« Last post by Stilllearning on September 09, 2018, 07:16:37 AM »
Oh my goodness!  I was so involved in replying I forgot to give you the welcome spiel!!  Here it is !

Welcome,NG. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.
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Daughter in Law's or Son in Law's Parents / Re: The new grandbaby
« Last post by Stilllearning on September 09, 2018, 07:13:51 AM »
Oh NG I know exactly what you are talking about!!  My disenfranchisement started before the wedding.  We were asked to provide the rehearsal dinner (which we did at considerable expense) told two weeks before the wedding that we couldn't serve alcohol (my family always serves it!) we were not invited to the rehearsal and never asked to their apartment for anything other that to help them clean and paint.  When they announced that they were pregnant my DH's first words were "Well we better move away" because he knew how much they had hurt my feelings already and he was aware that the GC would only add to the angst.  That was when I had had enough.  I started looking at my life differently.  I stopped looking at my DIL's facebook page.  I started telling myself  "No news is good news" and "What you focus on expands" and I turned my focus to the things I enjoyed.  It is amazing how my life pivoted!  All of the sudden my DH and I were much happier and life did not look so desperately hopeless.

When my brothers /sister asked about my DS/DIL I would say "not my circus, not my monkeys" and move to another topic because I really did not know how they were and I was relying on the "no news is good news" axiom.  When I thought about my DS I would actively pull my thoughts away and start planning something fun for myself and my DH.  We went canoeing on Thanksgiving day because I did not want to sit at home and bemoan the fact that he was not there.  We ate our turkey and dressing another day (when the weather was rainy and staying in the kitchen was not such a chore).  That was all about 6 years ago and for a long time I did not see my GC very often.  It is funny how if you are the grandparent they don't get to see often (and can therefore spoil them rotten!) they look forward to seeing you so much more.  They spent almost every afternoon with the other grands and eventually my DS started making comments about how the other grands let them get away with everything and how difficult it was to re educate them to  the rules of his house.  Now I get to see them quite often and it is a total delight!  My DIL avoids me like the plague which suits me fine.

Anyway the point is that even though you may feel like there is no hope for you there is.  The first thing that I had to do was stop running after them (phone, texts, emails, facebook) and start enjoying my own life!

Good luck to you!!  Hugs!!
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