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As a mom I cannot imagine expecting or wanting to be involved or included in such a sensitive and private matter where my sons are concerned. It wouldn't be my place to tell them how often they should or shouldn't be having sex. That, to me, just sounds truly bizarre. I think some things are best left to the couple to deal with and I think this is one of them.
My son called me and said he had just left therapy and was going home to tell his wife he wanted a divorce. He said they have only had sex 5 times in 18 months. They've been married 6 years. He also approached us 8 months after they got married and said they had only had sex 4 times in 8 months. His therapist had told him his wife was probably asexual and he had to decide whether to live with that or not.
She asked him to go to her therapist, who told him wife was not asexual. They started couple's therapy with DIL's therapist.
Husband and I feel angry at DIL for hurting our son for so long. We were kind and supportive and sent them to therapy after the first incident, and then stayed out of it. We never asked them if it was better or not.
This time, we feel angry, and want to make him report to us about the sex. We think he should have separated from her. He did not. He agreed to try couple's therapy.
We feel like we cannot be around them, we are angry at her. Advice, please? We think she is probably asexual, as son's therapist suggested, and feel hopeless about her changing.
Thank you.
My husband and I totally understand "leave & cleave"  and dealt with it in our young marriage with his Mom, but it worked out, and I loved his Mom, and she loved me.  However as parents of 3 sons and 1 daughter, "leave & cleave" is taught so much in our churches, but no word on the daughter-in-laws who are close to their own Mothers, and everything seems to swing that way.  We are in second position, and sometimes not even regarded.  Sometimes I want to scream from the housetop "I gave birth also!  I nursed and parented and raised children!".  We feel as if we have to fit in with our son's in-laws and their culture. Our sons & their families travel to see daughter-in-laws parents all the time, because she wants to be with them. We have to go there or hope to be invited in order to see them. If we step out of line at all, we are scolded. We love our daughters - in-law and feel our sons have chosen wisely, but the who comes first in the parents role is so obvious, it hurts!  Would appreciate some feed-back and wise counsel/answers.
Oh Tona, I am sorry for you and feel your pain! So glad I found this site....I have the same problem and, for years, have driven myself crazy with blame and guilt. Sadly, my daughter now has MS and things have gotten worse. I am absolutely heartbroken over her disease and realize things have gotten worse due to the disease. She now lives with me as does her boyfriend of 20 years. They lost a home I gave them. Things are worse than ever but I do the best I can each and every day. 
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Christmas gift giving
« Last post by Stilllearning on December 08, 2018, 06:33:37 PM »
Oh the pressure we put on December the 25th!  For some reason most of us believe that if we are not surrounded by loving family and presents galore on that day every year that we are failures at life, love and happiness.  I decided a few years ago that I would no longer be held captive by that particular social phenomenon.  After all there were 364 other days every year and a gathering of my loved ones on any of those days is a great occasion for me!!  I have actively started avoiding celebrating holidays on the days every other person celebrates them.  It is quite liberating to shift the day for celebrating, say Christmas to lets say, December 27th.   Why not?  That way it doesn't interfere with anybody's plans.  I enjoy the holidays much more with this attitude.

Anyway I hope you find a way to make your holidays tolerable and if you don't feel like giving a gift to someone just don't do it.  Giving gifts when you don't want to is giving into the hoopla foisted on us by retailers who want to sell stuff. 

Good luck!
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Christmas gift giving
« Last post by shiny on December 07, 2018, 04:13:39 AM »
Raindrops, sorry to read about your family holidays — these times can bring up some of my worst emotions.
I think in many cases our children/GKs have come to ‘expect’ our gifts, because that’s what we’ve always done. AND, if they have established a pattern of not giving us anything, even ‘thanks’, that continues, too.
A card? Those things are from another era - bygones.
I know it hurts, but have come to realize that my children/GKs are focused on themselves now. It might change as they get older, and then, maybe not. I remind myself that I give to show love, not to get anything back. But when it becomes a source of aggravation and even anger, I will stop, because I don’t want to participate in bringing misery into my own heart.
Sounds like you are at the crossroad already and it feels strange to choose a different way.
For me, I would consider having family gift, such as flowers or food, delivered, letting them all know I was thinking of them and loved them.
Lastly, my town has many who are impoverished and there are ways to help them, so, I am blessed by giving to those who really appreciate it, yet they can give nothing back. It’s a matter of the heart.
Blessings and peace to you through holidays!
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Christmas gift giving
« Last post by luise.volta on December 05, 2018, 03:46:28 PM »
That sounds pretty tough, R. I have gotten to where I look to see what brings me joy. If it's gift giving, fine. If not, I don't do it. I've finally gotten to where I give my myself what I feel I deserve no matter what other's think. And I am not going to let others teach the children in my clan that it's OK to be abusive. I no longer set myself up to be a victim. That may be selfish. If so, so be it. I had to give up looking for reasons and hoping for change but I'm much happier. I matter. So do you!
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Christmas gift giving
« Last post by raindrops_on_my_soul on December 05, 2018, 09:19:02 AM »
I have been having a bit of a hard time lately as I usually do around the holidays. Every year it's the same old thing. I am always put on the back burner while my son who lives locally celebrates with his wifes family. Christmas day is spent there and they don't come out on Christmas eve either. I am not invited to go spend any time there. Gift exchanging with me has to take place when it isn't interfering with their plans and never with her family present. I am always at the bottom of the rung even though I have done more for him than any human alive. Loans, forget it.......he comes to me for that because her family doesn't have it to loan. If a babysitter is needed for her children ( not my sons ) they only come to me when her family isn't available because otherwise it hurts her families feelings. What about my feelings though, I wonder. I suppose I'm not supposed to have any of those. I feel that if I am not viewed as a member of the family that they want to spend time with during the holidays, why would they want to exchange gifts. And my son that lives out of state never does anything, not even a card. I always make sure that him and my granddaughters have gifts for Christmas but he doesn't even give a card nor does he have the girls call and thank me for my thoughtfulness. The thank you only comes from him and it doesn't seem very genuine. It feels more like it's what he expects of me because it's what I've always done. Nothing about any of it feels good or right anymore, hasn't for a long time. Truthfully, I have nothing to lose by stopping the effort because they haven't given me anything to hold onto. I think this may be the last year I do any gift giving and may not even do it this year. I am tired of the nonsense and the terrible feeling it brings, which is the opposite of what it should be. I don't feel like I'm being true to myself by keeping after it.
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Unusual situation son in law
« Last post by luise.volta on December 04, 2018, 09:01:37 AM »
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Unusual situation son in law
« Last post by WinfordH on December 04, 2018, 04:04:35 AM »
Honestly, he seems like a rotten guy. If your daughter doesn't see that, I'm not sure there's much else you can do. I'm only hoping that your health had improved since you posted. Any updates?
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