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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My 3 kids want nothing to do with me
« Last post by amflautist on April 24, 2018, 07:06:24 AM »
I realize i have been dwelling on something i have no power to change. I am just devastated to be shut out of my first grandbaby's first days, weeks, months...i am very much feeling victimized, hurt, angry...all of it. At this point im shutting it down. Im moving towards the happy part of my life. My beliefs have been my rock and i thank you for your insight. I cant breath when i think of missing out on my sweet girl, but i cant do this anymore.  ?2?

Dear Hart2Hart, I too know what it is like to be shut out of your first grandbaby's life.  In my case, it is my first two grandbabies - they are identical twins, now 3 years old.  And the shutout has been accomplished by my DIL, with the assistance of her all-too-willing spouse, my DS.  I did not reach peace on this until I finally said to my DS - no more!  I will not be pushed and pulled and promised and sent away at the last minute ever again.  I had to withdraw for my own sanity.  I can't say that the peace comes easily.  I still have periods when it hurts and I think about it - like last Sunday at the library when I saw a 3-yr-old holding his dad's hand and learning how to return books.  However, when you finally decide enough is enough and say it out loud, say it to whomever is listening - including your daughter - you will know it is the right decision.  I felt at peace for the first time in 11 years when I finally told my DS enough-is-enough. 

I hope you find peace too.
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My 3 kids want nothing to do with me
« Last post by luise.volta on April 23, 2018, 06:07:13 PM »
I know I felt like a victim because I was one. My anguish and anger were something I had to go through. The loss was overwhelming. I almost got stuck there and came close to making the rest of my life about it. You sound to me like you are facing it and moving through it. We are here to cheer you on and to share that many of us have found that there is life, and yes, even peace and joy, after parenting and grand parenting. Not our choice, yet fulfilling.[size=78%] [/size]
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My 3 kids want nothing to do with me
« Last post by Hart2Hart on April 23, 2018, 05:11:38 PM »
I realize i have been dwelling on something i have no power to change. I am just devastated to be shut out of my first grandbaby's first days, weeks, months...i am very much feeling victimized, hurt, angry...all of it. At this point im shutting it down. Im moving towards the happy part of my life. My beliefs have been my rock and i thank you for your insight. I cant breath when i think of missing out on my sweet girl, but i cant do this anymore.  ?2?
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My 3 kids want nothing to do with me
« Last post by luise.volta on April 23, 2018, 08:53:36 AM »
Welcome, H. I have a story that isn't the same but it's as sad. It was hard for me to let go of it. That may sound strange but I got stuck in self-pity and how unfair and even cruel it was. It felt to me that to give up trying to understand it and fix it was agreeing with it somehow. On the other side, I eventually found peace and retrieved my long dead self-respect. A tough journey but the healing has gone deep and I'm at peace. Hugs
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My 3 kids want nothing to do with me
« Last post by Stilllearning on April 23, 2018, 03:32:10 AM »
Welcome,H. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

I had a real eye opening moment when I realized that I did not enjoy visiting with my DS anymore.  When I saw him I was constantly on edge, afraid that what I said might drive him further away and I would loose him forever.  Why was I so driven to be around someone whose company made me so anxious?  Was I some sort of masochist?  Did I enjoy being hurt? 

So I stopped.  It sounds easy but it wasn't.  I had to train my mind to avoid the thoughts about my DS.  I adopted a new mantra "No news is good news" and every time I thought about my DS I would say my mantra to myself and force my thoughts on to a more pleasant subject.  I started allowing my mind to dwell on the things in my life that were (and are) good and ignore that one facet of my life that was hopelessly entangled in despair.  I rediscovered an old saying "What you focus on expands" and I actively worked on focusing on the wonderful parts of my life.  I rekindled my relationship with my DH and started planning things that were fun for us.  I even moved Thanksgiving to Friday one year so that my DH and I could spend the last wonderful weather day of the year canoeing instead of me spending it in the kitchen cooking.

All of this happened years ago and there was a definite disconnect with my DS but eventually he has reconnected with us and now our relationship is on an entirely different level.  He does not blame us for his marriage to his bipolar wife or the ensuing problems it has caused.  We enjoy his company and the grands when they come to visit.  For me, there was a light at the end of the tunnel.  For some of the wise women here there was a light but it did not include their children.  Still most will agree that there comes a time when you have to let your children make their own mistakes and live their own lives.  We are done raising them and we deserve to enjoy the rest of our lives.  We did the best we could at the time and now we are finished being responsible for our children's lives, good or bad.

Hart, please explore our archives and I think you will finds some stories that will ring true with yours.  Know that we are here for you and on your side.  Good luck!!!
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / My 3 kids want nothing to do with me
« Last post by Hart2Hart on April 22, 2018, 05:00:59 PM »
Long long history, but I have 3 adult children who run extremely hot and ice cold toward me. They were all raised by their dad and we were finally able to establish a relationship in their late teens and twenties. I have tolerated the abusive and disrespectful treatment always being made to feel i am a horrible mom and i should be grateful they even speak to me. I am a good person, a loving mom who bends over backwards and i walk on eggshells for fear of making someone angry at me (and someone always is). Most recently, my husband and i allowed my pregnant daughter to stay with us while on maternity leave. She was abusive, disrespectful, and inconsiderate. She is 26yo, single, and at the time, homeless. My first granddaughter was born exactly 12 days before my daughter woke me up screaming and angry she had not slept, the baby was crying and wouldn't stop. I offered to help and she went berserk on me. She called me names, said i wasnt her mom and I am not her babies grandma. She left that day and said i would never see my grandchild. Her sister and brother think im horrible and now they want nothing to do with me either. I am heartbroken. I tried, too hard, to make them happy. I have never been so sick with grief. In my heart i know this cycle of toxic love has to stop, but how do i let it go and move forward?
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Ungrateful Grown Children
« Last post by Stilllearning on April 17, 2018, 01:26:22 PM »
Welcome Puddum and cecelikesart! 

Welcome to WWU!  We ask all new members to go the our HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to make sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.

I have been thinking about your posts and all of the frustration you have both expressed.  It was so hard for me when things were falling apart between my DS and me.  I bent over backwards trying to "fix" things.  I reasoned and pleaded and cried.  I tried so hard to figure out why I was being treated that way.  I certainly did not deserve that treatment, and yes he overlooked birthdays, Mother's Day (even though he remembered Father's Day), Thanksgiving, and even Christmas.  I just kept trying to make things back the way they used to be.  I do not know why I wasted so much of my life trying to get back what I had lost.  It took me a long time to realize that the young man I wanted to reconnect with was gone.  He had changed and there was no way he was going to go back, he was just different.

Once I realized that very difficult fact I next had to re-evaluate my relationship with him.  When I did I figured out something amazing.  I really did not enjoy spending time with him anymore.  I was always on edge, worrying about what I said and afraid that I would make things worse.  Wow!  What an eye opener that thought was!  Not only was it an eye opener, but it was also a liberating moment.  Why was I working so hard to be around someone who treated me so badly?  Why was I tolerating such abuse?  Did I really want to continue a relationship with someone like that? 

I looked around and saw all of the people I love who were sick and tired of hearing me rant about things and I realized that if I did not change things I might loose them too.  So I changed.  It wasn't easy and it wasn't fun but it was possible.  Every time I thought about my DS and DIL I would force myself to stop and turn my thoughts to happier things.  I started living again and enjoying life.  My new mantra became "No news is good news" and I said it to myself multiple times a day.  Holidays were hard (and still can be) but by focusing on the things in my life that bring me joy I get through them.  I also started de-emphasizing holidays.  I now move Thanksgiving around according to the weather (who wants to be stuck in the kitchen when it is beautiful outside?) and we have Christmas somewhere close to the 25th.  I think you get my drift.

I think every Mom gets taken advantage of by their children as far as chores go until the children move out.  I certainly did and I really resented it.  I did not find anything that worked well as far as chores were concerned but once they were in college (even while living at home) my DSs spent less and less time at home so it became less and less of an issue.  Sometimes we just have to hang in there (like having a fussy baby). 

So once again welcome and I hope you spend some time looking through the many posts here.  I am sure you will find posts that ring true with your situation and will bring you some measure of comfort.  We all know what you are going through and we wish you the very best.  You both deserve a life full of joy and laughter.  Your parenting days are drawing to a close and you both did the very best you could at the time. 

Hugs from all of us!
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Thank you so much, AF! What a hard lesson for some of us to learn. It took me decades. We give it our best shot and then the choices they make and the paths they take are none of our business. Our unfulfilled hopes and dreams belong to us and are none of their business. It seems so harsh. We see examples around us where the hopes and dreams of others are met and even expanded upon and that magnifies our loss. There are no answers to our 'whys' but/and survival brings us to the acceptance of 'what is', if we're lucky. Hugs
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It happened to me.  After 11 years of abuse by DIL, aided and abetted by DS, I finally realized I had to withdraw from DS's life.  I told him so on Feb 15th, 2 months ago.  It's not easy.  Everyone who has had to do this knows it's not easy.  However, I want to share a video with you, a video where Jane Goodall releases a chimp into the wild.  Every time I watch this video, I think to myself "That's what mothers do for sons and daughters, that's what grandmothers do for grandchildren.  Love them dearly, then let them go".  It helps me recenter myself, tell myself I have done a good job loving DS, and now I must let him go.  His life from now on has nothing to do with me.  Maybe this video will help you too.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/video/news/video-1083422/The-touching-moment-Jane-Goodall-hugged-rescued-chimp.html
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: I'm 33 and Mom wont speak to me
« Last post by luise.volta on April 15, 2018, 10:38:52 PM »
Welcome, L. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.


In the last ten years we have had other daughters-in-law bring their issues to us. When I started this forum, I called it MothersInLawsUnite.com. Within a year I had to change it to WiseWomenUnite.com because several daughters-in-law joined our ranks.


We don't give advice We aren't professionals. We just pas on our experience. I had a marvelous mother-in-law, so I have no experience to offer you. You can read our archives and find good feedback and others hopefully will share with you.


I do recall several truths we have come to agree on here:


If we allow abuse, the young children around us learn it's OK.
We can't explain the unexplainable. Whys are useless.
We can only change ourselves not anyone else.
Our expectations are ours, it's no one's job to fulfill them.
Once an adult child leaves home they get to choose.
We matter and deserve respect. It starts with self respect.


There are many more that others here may want to share.
We care. That's why we're here. Hugs...
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