I first came to this site when DS was planning to marry DIL. DIL's FOO completely took over his life and shunned us. DS was trying to do the right thing for his relationship with his ILs and his marriage & we were put on the back burner. DS would call or come by while DIL wasn't around, so we knew he still cared about us, but we weren't "in the loop."
Enter the FB phenomenon. Again, I was left out (actually told by DS/DIL not to join.) I'd read here at WWU and other places about FB ruining relationships, so I heeded the warnings and stayed away. Missing the occasional baby shower or birth announcement didn't seem worth the risk of possibly being cut off completely by DS.
A couple of days ago a friend called asking if I knew about the passing and upcoming memorial service of another dear friend's mom since everything had been posted on FB. I would have been sad if I'd missed paying my respects. Right then and there I decided to take back my life! I am tired of not seeing what my family and friends are doing (we have relatives all over the world.) So, I joined FB. DS & DIL accepted my friend requests (DH encouraged me to get over my fear.) So far all is OK.
We'll see...
Wonderful, Pen. You are at choice about what you read and who you keep as 'friends'. I wouldn't know anything about my grandsons or great granddaughter if it weren't for FB. I comment from time to time and love being current, even if 'shelved.'
It's the only way that I can keep up with everything going on in my family (the ones that I have a relationship with). It is the preferred mode of communication for my friends and family.
Just prepare yourself mentally. You KNOW that DS/DIL spend a lot of time with her family. But it is totally different to see it in black and white, pictures and see heartfelt posts about other people when you don't get them. I'm not discouraging you, as I truly do find the benefits of FB outweigh (for me) the cons. Just want you to go ahead now and make a pact with yourself that you will not let it get to you.
Thanks for your concern and support. It's taken years, but I do believe I've finally "accepted things that I cannot change." I'm grateful for whatever I can get, lol. This is not to say that I won't ever have moments of jealousy again, but I've put in a lot of hard work so I'm pretty sure I can get over it quickly (with some WWU wisdom, of course!)
Good for you Pen.
I have always been amazed at how my children think they need to tell me what I can or cannot do. Its your life!
I am with Pooh on the be careful of what you see. It can hurt even if you know it shouldn't. I would advise also to keep your comments very short and vague if you comment at all on their posts.
My own children seem to try to read something into anything.. I learned the hard way.. good luck
Thanks for the advice. I think you're right...my DS will not appreciate my comments unless they are very brief and generic. I see my friends posting all kinds of things back and forth with their adult children, but that's not likely to happen in my situation. Oh well, I'm just glad to be catching up with my friends :)
One good thing about Facebook, you can group people into "categories" and then exclude everyone in that category from seeing certain posts. I grouped DILS and their families, and my sons into a group called "The outlaws".
If I post anything that may or may not ruffle feathers, ie: the sun is shining, none of them ever see it.
I also unfollowed all of them that way none of their posts go into my newsfeed, I have to click on The Outlaws category to see their posts. only do that when I'm in a good place, with a roaring fire and a glass of wine. :D
Love it! Thanks so much. This really helps!!
Yay!! You are in control of what you see and not see on FB. There is no reason why you shouldn't be a part of this social media. I know I find out lots of stuff about my S and DIL because she writes about everything. Fortunately I'm not dealing with negative stuff, but if I were I would simply adjust my settings -- just like we can do with our lives. :)
Just saw this!! I feel exactly the same! My DS has been on" family vacations " with FDIL's family for the last 7 years! Needless to say he hasn't been able to go on one of ours. I think this incredibly selfish and is intended to hurt us. DS has also not been home on Christmas for the last 7 years. He is always at FDIL'S in another state. They Gift us with their presence 4 days after christmas and spend the majority of their time with there friends in the city. By the time they leave we feel like we never even had a discussion or time to catch up! My DS knows this but is unwilling to discuss it for fear of getting into it with FDIL. After they leave they return to FDIL parents house for a few more days and then on to their home. Im sure it must be evident to FDIL parents but nothing is ever mentioned. I'm at a loss as to what to say! It hurts us to the core! FDIL is completely in charge of DS's life. I wish I could talk to him about it , but it just makes things worse. Any words of advice out there??
My suggestion would be that next year during the 4 days they visit you you should plan things. Tell them about it and invite them but don't stay home if they don't go. It would be something like "we are going to the movies....do you want to go? That's fine, I know you are busy visiting friends. See you later!" This could be movies, parks, parties, out to eat, or anything but make sure that your involvement is not dependent on their involvement. Let them know that you love seeing them but you are not sitting at home waiting for them to hang out with you. Hopefully they will feel the shift in focus (from them to yourself and your DH) and maybe things will change.
Good luck!!
My experience, eventually, was they get to choose. They are adults and that is their prerogative. They aren't wrong...they are just on a different wavelength of their choosing. It was a long, hard battle for me to get there. We don't get to vote on their choices any longer...once a new relationship is established...not unless asked. I felt, in similar circumstances, that we were being used as a free hotel. I think the suggestion that you plan those days around your own interests and not sit there waiting and hoping is brilliant. Sending hugs...
Thank you for your advice! I was just sitting here thinking about it and all of a sudden a travel deal came across my computer screen..Get away from it all, spend Christmas in the islands! Hawaii that is. I'm seriously thinking about booking a vacation with my DH . I think he would love it. Every year we say we want to and by the time we are really serious, everything is sold out or ridiculously expensive! Sounds like a great idea and what a coincidence that it pops up now!
Some say there are no coincidences! :) Go for it!!! You matter...A LOT!
I agree. Book that trip! ;D ;D ;D