Hello .I need your input.My sister and I used to be pretty close.Talked at least once a week.I took care of our mother for ten years.My sister called her every night but visited for one day once a year.When mom passed two yrs ago in Nov my sister didn't come to our mother's bedside or take care of anything.My DH and I did it all.We are both in our fifties and sixties.I have called her and tried to keep in touch.She rarely answers my emails.Her birthday is next Monday.I don't know if I should send a gift or a card or nothing at all.Could you please give me your wise comments.Louise if I am in the wrong forum I'm sorry.PS she is the only family I have left.She has two sons which I didn't meet until they were four and six.My DS saw his cousins aboutii four times in twenty seven years.He has no contact with them because he says that he doesn't know them.My sister never kept contact with my son since he was 18.He is 37.I do keep contact with my oldest nephew and I call once in a while and talk to brother in law about my computer problems.My sister is at work usually.I tell him to say hello to her tell her I called and to call me when she isn't too busy.No call.BD gift or not??
Nik - Don't worry about posting in the right category. We will move your post if we think we need to. No big. My take is that you might want to see what would please you, not your sister. It sounds like a pretty lopsided relationship to me. If you would enjoy sending a gift and you can let go of any expectations regarding it, why not please yourself? I used to have a hard time giving gifts and letting go of them. I have learned that once sent, they belong to the other...and if they never respond and even toss the gift, it is theirs to do with as they wish and then acknowledge it or not. Others often have different agendas and even varying ideas about manners and ethics. That's about them, not you. Sending love...
Thanks Luise.You are right.Since ahe is my only sibling I will send a gift and not expect anything.I enjoy giving.It still hurts not to be ackowledged by her.I wasn't even invited to her wedding thirty five years ago because she didn't like my first husband.My parents went and her DH family.I did send a gift.Just like my nephew's Baptisms.No invite but I did send each one a gold chain and cross.She used to make a big box and send all of us Christmas gifts.That stopped about five years ago.I did the same.Thanks for your advice Luise.Maybe i's time to just let go and send cards and gifts to my friends who seem to care more than DS.
nikncon - when I think about it, my parents never exchanged gifts with their siblings, except maybe at 'significant number' birthdays, and nothing was thought about it either way.
About 10 years ago, my DH and I spoke with our siblings and said "how about we don't do birthday gifts anymore?" And everyone agreed that it was a good idea. We still send a card and good wishes, and usually include a scratch-off lottery ticket (for fun).
The only reason to give your sister a gift this year is if she's already given one to you for your birthday. Then you should reciprocate and make a deal for next year.
I'm with Scoop. I'd go with a card, skip the gift.
Instead of buying & shipping something, spend the $$ on yourself/DH - diinner out? music? day trip? It's time to be nice to yourself.
I'm with Luise - do what you feel is right. Sometimes social gestures are so much a part of a person that not following them feels worse than following them and getting no response. Sort out the 'shoulds' vs the 'wants' can be a helpful exercise sometimes.
Yep, do what you feel is best to you.
Well ladies.I decided to order a gift card online for her Kindle.She loves to read and she got me one for my birthday last year.Will let you know if she thanks me.Hugs and thanks to all you WW. What a great group we are"!Thanks to Luise. ;D
Nikncon - when you get to the point of exchaning gift cards, THAT's when it's time to stop the gifts!
I would send her a message in the New Year saying "Let's keep our money in our own pockets this year and only exchange well wishes for birthdays from now on."
Thanks Scoop.I agree.Unless her attitude towards me her only sister does change in the next few months which I doubt will ,a greeting on an email is all she is getting for Christas too. :'(
I do the same as Luise now and I used to do the same as Luise..Lol. Get my feelings hurt if someone didn't acknowledge or say thank you for a gift or card I sent. I finally figured out the same as Luise. A gift is simply that..a gift. If it makes me feel good to do it, and I do it with no expectations any longer. I actually enjoy it more now because I don't have an expectations with it.
I just posted an idea I was going to do for the girls here at work. There are about 12 of them. I always get them something very small for Christmas. Only 2 of them give me anything. It doesn't matter to me that the other 10 don't because I don't do it with any expectations any longer. I do it because they work so hard in a very thankless profession all year and I want to. Also, I love Christmas and the selfish part of me says that this particular holiday, for me, is supposed to be about giving.
So do what feels right to you and you will not go wrong.
I will add a wise point of view here that my husband lived by. His statement was "I don't keep score." ;)
This forum is new to me. I just joined . Have never done this before and stayed up almost all night reading everything. I am amazed and touched by a number of things .
First, regarding the gift subject. I was mulling around in my head this very thing today regarding my 38 year old daughter. Her birthday is next month. Suffice it to say I have allowed my heart to be wrenched out of my chest for the last time. I think I finally have peace. I will send her a card and write " Love, Mom" just to acknowledge her day. No more gifts. I gave her and her husband a piece of lake property worth $500,000 and now have been kicked to the curb . All I asked them was that they allow me, my son and my other daughter one week each a year at the cabin. They said they would do that and have now reneged on their promise. Oh well. I am pretty poor but felt that would be nice for the entire family. A done deal here and I will move on
I noticed that there are like 18,000 problems listed under Son/daughter problems yet only 400 some success stories. That makes me sad for all of you. I will be fine and I cannot tell you how much this site helped me, and I pray all of you will find peace. I know I will and finding all of you helped me already. It will be difficult for me to write because my faith is the core of my being, but I thank you all again and was shocked at how many stories I read that I could have written myself and my prayers are for healing for everyone, including the ones who have been thorns in our lives, stabbing aches in our hearts. You all keep up this good sharing and there will be no need for therapists. Love to you all. Having good friends like this means not having a huge therapist's bill.
Welcome Anna.You'll find so many great cyber friends here.We are like a big family.I did send the gift card.Got an email from sister thanking me and that it was thoughtful of me.Said that she would call after Thanksgiving dinner tonight.She did not.Not surprised.Glad that she can buy ebooks with it.Case closed. ;)
Yay! Moving on.... ;)
My sister yelled at me , in a drunken email, WWI (writing while intoxicated ) and I had had it after a lifetime of her doing this as an adult, she is 60 I am 66. We did not speak or write or see each other for the last 4 years, she is mad because I did not vote for Obama. That is why she went on her last tirade and, as alcoholics will do, yell and make up stuff. She does not like or respect me because I am a Christian and a mom too. Anyway, to make a long story short, two years ago I sent her the hand made candles I sell, because I KNOW she LOVES ROSE and that is hard to find and I had an extra one. I did not expect ANY response. I do not want to go back to the way things were with her, but I wanted to give that to her because it made ME feel good to do it. I have always loved giving gifts and have fun thinking of others, it does ME good. So I did it. To my amazement, she wrote a short thank you. I sent her a Christmas candle, then another few of them on her next July birthday, because I LIKED doing that and expected nothing in return. Well, in one month, she asked ME if I would like to meet her for lunch. She sent me a photo recently of a dinner she was at and there was a glass of wine on the table. She emphatically told me it was NOT hers. I suspect she has stopped drinking. Little miracles can happen when you just give of yourself without asking or expecting anything in return. It made me feel happy to bless her with something I KNEW she would love, and here we are 4 years later at a nice new starting point. I will NEVER accept abuse again, but to share a few funny photos, a few nice recipes, and two lunches a year will be lovely, for both of us. So I have found, to just follow your heart, that is the answer. It is all that matters in healing from painful relationships. Do not expect anything back because if you do, you are controlling the situation.
I now have similar problem with my daughter. We are estranged and most likely always will be but I have some peace. The SIL is a terrible problem, but she has made her choices, and when her birthday comes, instead of the big birthday gifting, I think I will just send a card and sign it Love, Mom, and that is all. Just to let her know I am thinking about her whether she cares or not. I do not expect to ever see her again, if I do, then that will be lovely, if I do not, I can handle it now.
Another reason not to discuss politics! ;D ;D
I started reading your story, ready to feel your pain, and was glad to read the happy ending! It sounds like you have an internal compass guiding you through your relationships and you'll be fine. The photos, lunches and recipes are the stuff of life, aren't they? Glad you got your sister back
I have been devastated all day. I felt I needed to come here just so I could get to sleep. I have a wonderful husband who put up with my tears all day. My daughter is so mean. Her husband abuses her emotionally and then they group together and take it out on me. I gave them that cottage land, worth a small fortune, and they have found every lie under the sun to keep me and my son away from the place now. I just give up. I have to get over this heartache and there is no explaining anything to either of them. She hates her husband, then she hates me. I do not want to get involved in their personal life. All I do is give, all she does is get crabbier and hate life more. It is a long story. Her dad was an alcoholic. I put up with him for 22 years, and supported the family myself. My girls seem to destest me, my oldest daugther is bi polar and I have a hunch this younger one is too. My son is funny, and good to me and adores me, thank God for that. I am going to bed now. to sleep, and hope tomorrow will be better. I honestly believe I will never ever have a decent relationship with this second daugther ever . She got so bad after her dad died. She seemed to turn on me at that point and it never was the same. I have read all the books of adult children of alcoholics, did all the counselling over the years but it still does not dull the pain of separation. I just want life to be over, but not suicidal. I will be ok. It will just take time but I feel I can have no communication with her anymore, it is all crazy making. I am going to bed to read other stories from other women so I do not feel so all alone. My husband told me today that some of the most dysfunctional families in history not get a long either. Son's tried to hurt fathers and did. So, I guess it is a human condition, it just happens and we are not in control of anyone else, and we cannot force our love on anyone else or make them love us. That is not true love and it has to come from the heart, it cannot be forced. Thanks to everyone who has shared their hearts, you have all helped me very much. Bless you all, this too, will pass.
QuoteShe hates her husband, then she hates me.
Maybe - but more likely she "hates" herself even more. Sometimes what appears to be true, is not. For several years, our DIL (now ex) would not allow us into their home even though we "gave" it to them. I thought it was because she did not like us (which was, in part, true), but the main reason was that she was an alcoholic - we did not know this until she left her husband (our son) and abandoned her children (our grandchildren). So, I'm wondering - maybe there is "more" here ...
What grabs me most about this story is how much you are allowing her behavior to dictate your own happiness. There is so much more to life than your daughter. From what you write, she's running her life and yours too - and you're the one who gives her the power to do that.
You ladies are right I cannot allow her to dictate my feelings...you do help, thank you. I think because I had to raise all three myself, and I did very well owning my own business, I just cannot let go. I have the dreams of the happy family around the Christmas tree and that is not reality. I will learn from this and go on. I cannot believe how many others are in the same boat. I have my opinions on this but they are spiritual and I beleive we cannot post about stuff like that, but it will be ok. Thank you eveyrone for your honesty. I hope I can help someone some day like I am helped here. Thanks. At least my son is good to me, he makes up for the sadness from my two girls age 39 and 42. He is 35 and dotes on me and my husband and jokes and is a happy guy. That sure does help.
You're welcome, A. My youngest son, our Webmaster, and I have a wonderful close/far relationship. We aren't in each others pockets but our caring and loyalty runs deep. I brought him up through many wonderful, traditional Christmases. His memories are beautiful but/and as an adult...he and his wife see it as "just another day." They have no children. They'd be grown and gone, now, if they had. He and his wife don't give each other gifts or decorate. I kept buying things for them until a few years ago when I wanted to give them something very expensive, to our standards. They said OK, but that was it, no more. (I keep trying to sneak stuff past them when they aren't looking but they always catch me. It's become a family joke.) They always buy me something. I think that's because they don't dare not to. LOL!
AnnaB, I just want to remind you that this letting go stuff - sometimes just getting some light between yourself and someone else helps. That is, let go a little so you can get some breathing room and begin to recognize where you begin and end. Maybe if there is some distance, you can find some way to tolerate the nasty side of her without it being so devastating to you.
I'm glad to hear about your happy son. I have one of those, too.
I just seriously think all of this is fallout from their dad. I lived with abuse for 22 years. I raised all the kids, ran a business...he did nothing but terrorize us. He died 6 years ago, I am remarried to a wonderful human being of a dear man. Thank God for that. I have a cute cat. My life is busy. My son adores me, my two daughters hate me, my granddaughter love us so much but she and her bi polar mom are ready to leave for England to live there. GD is 12. MOther is on her 4th marriage and cannot keep a job. The other daughter is suicidal and depressed. My son is just fine. He spent the least amount of time with his dad and saw him for what he was. My second daugther, the one who as of today will have nothing to do with me, turned on me when her dad, who she wrote out of her life, died. She had not seen him in at leat 10 years becasue he was so awful.Now I made the mistake of sending flaming emails and texts to her and her husband, when they banned me and my son from the $400,000 value property I gave them. When I gave it, and I have no money, they promised to let me and my son and husband use the cottage one week each a year, well, now they changed their minds. I gave her a job, him a job while he was in college, him a car, paid their health insurance. $15,000 down on their home, Now he has a great job and built a new cottage on the land I gave them and they have turned sour. Oh well. Now I do not know if I should even send a card for her upcoming 39th birthday. I wrote a mean but true letter, sent emails to her and a text to him telling him how miserable he had made my life when I tried to give him this property and how he broke my heart when he broke his promise of my ONE request, with the land, to only let us all use it one week a year. They just turn it all back on me every time something like this happens and I am quiet around them, polite, I help with the pets, we help them all the time. I was working a show today and there was a mom there with her two daughters, I could hardly hold back my tears wishing that was me. I have decide to look at my daughter and her husband like they are my ex mean husband. I have many friends and younger women who look up to me as a mentor, their kids love me, and I guess that is where I will focus more, on the ones who give love back. It will take time, I will be ok. I am shocked at how many of us experience the same angst. I hope I can be of help to some of you some day.
It looks to me like we have pretty much answered this one for Nik, so I'm closing her thread. Sorry we got so far off into left field. Sending love...