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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: miamilady on December 08, 2013, 09:43:19 AM

Title: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: miamilady on December 08, 2013, 09:43:19 AM
Hello all,

I've been reading a few of the topics here and thought I'd write one myself. One of the things that caught my eye was a few comments by MILs of sons, who pointed out what goes around comes around. The premise is that one day their DILs would be mothers of DS and then they would know what its like to have a bad DIL. Or, perhaps they'd one day have a DS who completely leaves his FOO.

I've been thinking about this concept for a while and wanted to write a topic on it, but didn't bc I didn't want to offend anyone. But, after careful consideration, I've decided to take the chance & write on it with the hopes that I might shed light.

I agree wholeheartedly in Karma. I believe if you mistreat someone (whether you're a MIL, DIL, or whatever)  you'll have to pay the piper. BUT, I also believe that perhaps there are MILs in here that are experiencing karma for some of YOUR actions.

I'm a DIL, and to make a long story short, I don't care for my MIL. I'm respectful and cordial. But I can only take her in small doses. If you listen to her side of the story, she'd probably say that I used to be nicer when DH and I were dating, but over the years I've distanced myself for no reason... When in reality, I've distanced myself bc she wasn't  willing to give me the respect that I deserved as wife and mother. Her son has also distanced himself. NOT bc I want him to, but he has told me that he doesn't feel the need to be around his mom as much anymore. He's still a great son & he loves his mom dearly, he just doesn't go around her as much as he did before we were married. I do encourage him to spend time with her (just not with me).

Interestingly enough, DH told me that MIL and her MIL never got along. They never spent the holidays together, never called her etc. Well, maybe what goes around does come around... BUT that goes for everyone, doesn't it?

Even though I'm not a MIL, I do believe we are all in the same boat. Someday my DSs will be adults (their toddlers now). I have to ask myself, would  I want a DIL like myself? Even though I'm not perfect, I think I'm a pretty good deal... Time will tell. Ask me again in 20 years. But for now, what are your thoughts?
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: luise.volta on December 08, 2013, 09:50:52 AM
Welcome, M - Please go to our HomePage and under Read Me First read the posts there for new members. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to see if it's a fit. We aren't so much a discussion board as we're a place to bring and work on current issues.

Is there something that you want to change in your situation or learn to adapt to?
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: herbalescapes on December 08, 2013, 10:01:43 AM
I've always wondered if my ILs ever considered that their kids grew up in a family where the paternal FOO was majorly sidelined.  All holidays were spent with the maternal relatives.  If the paternal GPs came to visit, they were dragged along to one of my MIL's relative's home for the celebration.  My FIL's siblings were never part of the holidays.  I don't know if there was some type of crisis or my MIL was a DILFH like my ILs consider me or if it's because my FIL is tempermentally more in sync with my MIL's family than his own.  I don't say that as a criticism of my FIL or his relatives, they are just very different. 

It's tempting to wish what goes around comes around onto your AC/DIL/SIL, but think about what you are wishing for your GC's futures.  I've always said if I end up with a DIL (or SIL) like me, we'll butt heads, but do ok. My nightmare would be to end up with the DIL (or SIL) my own ILs would want.  Then I'll have to start following my own advice and bite my tongue a lot.
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: luise.volta on December 08, 2013, 10:21:36 AM
I'm coming from a lot of retrospect here. I'm 86 years old. It seems to me in my case...that it was very personal and individualistic. There were no Web-forums, of course, since there was no Web. My original in-laws had two sons and yearned for a daughter. They had known of me since I was a toddler because we were neighbors but there was no interaction between our families. I have posted, I think under the Success Stories category about what my MIL put up with...which was a great deal and how we became lifelong friends, my divorce from her DS notwithstanding. My take is that you sound like you are handling your situation in a very mature way and factoring in history sounds wise. Feelings are what often drive many of us more than logic. As far as the future goes...who knows? The dynamics shift like drifting sands.
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: MountainGirl on December 08, 2013, 10:28:06 AM
I have a very personal example of where DH's parents sidelined themselves. They lived in the same city as us, but never offered to help, babysit or have the GC's for sleepovers. They felt that their children were grown and their parenting stopped. They were more interested in having dinner parties with their friends than getting to know my children. When one child got seriously ill and needed medical attention out of state, they still did not offer to help care for my oldest while I was away. The final straw was when my FIL, who had drinking problems, got drunk and told me I knew nothing about parenting as I was adopted myself. At that point, DH cut off communication with them until they apologized. They did eventually but the relationship was always strained.

IL's on both sides need to remember that our children chose to marry and start their own family.  When the FOO offends, it's up to the DH/DW to support and stand up for their partner, which my DH rightfully did and it strengthened our own marriage. My parents have become closer to DH as a result, because the relationship was built on mutual respect.

Having one side of the family in the shadows, and your children not knowing their grandparents, is not something I'd wish on anyone. Thankfully I was raised by a wonderful mother, and will follow her approach with my DS, not my MIL's!
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: miamilady on December 08, 2013, 12:27:24 PM
thanks guys for your responses.

I think its a great topic, bc it forces us to look at ourselves and possibly make amends in an effort to change things for the better. Now some moms might not be able to relate to my story at. Some moms simply have bad DILs or DSs. I'm sure everyones situation/family is different. I really do feel bad for moms who don't have a great relationship with their DS, DIL, or GC... But when reading these stories, i really can't help but wonder what my relationship will be like with my DS when their older, or if I'm creating bad karma for myself. In other words, when is it ok to distance yourself from someone? After all, my MIL distanced herself from her MIL; and sadly, I feel the need to create some distance from her.
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: Stilllearning on December 08, 2013, 01:45:03 PM
Miamilady, have you ever heard people say that girls pick out a man like their father?  I thought that I had avoided that but now 35 years later I realize that I was wrong.  My DH is so much like my Dad in so many respects it is incredible.  I loved my Dad until the day he died so I guess our marriage is intact.   ;D 

If I unknowingly picked out a man so much like my father it stands to reason that your DS's might unknowingly pick out someone like you.  That is a possibility that you should consider when you deal with your MIL.  Actually I am surprised by how much like my MIL I am......


Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: miamilady on December 08, 2013, 03:13:37 PM
thats a pretty good point. my mil and i do have a lot of similarities.
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: Stilllearning on December 08, 2013, 04:14:52 PM
Yep Miamilady.....that is only one of the things I have to ponder while I have so many issues with my DIL.  Things are getting better for us though.  I found out during Thanksgiving dinner (first holiday they have spent with me since my son moved out) that her Dad's Mom, who passed away recently, demanded that her children and grandchildren spend every holiday with her.  There must have been a lot of resentment in that family about being so controlled (she had lots of money so she threatened disowning them) by their Dad's mom.  I think some of that was transferred to me.......Now that she is gone maybe there is hope.  My DIL is like a different person.  I cannot imagine how emotionally impoverished that woman must have been.  I guess they are right.....money does not make you happy.
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: luise.volta on December 08, 2013, 05:21:32 PM
In the retirement center where I live...I see some of that. Not about money so much as obligation.
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: Stilllearning on December 08, 2013, 06:37:56 PM
None of us want to have our children visit us out of obligation but a lot of parents fall on that as a last resort.  The only way to avoid it is to let them go.  There was a poem about that wasn't there? 

http://quoteinvestigator.com/2012/04/08/love-set-free/ (http://quoteinvestigator.com/2012/04/08/love-set-free/)

It sounds a lot easier than it is!!
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: Pooh on December 09, 2013, 06:03:03 AM
I totally believe in Karma.  It can happen to anyone, no matter what the title.  I see most of our MIL's and DIL's in here readily admit that they didn't do everything right and could have done some things better. 
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: Footloose on December 09, 2013, 08:00:03 AM
The very saddest thing that comes from this FOO cutoff is to the children who are cut off from relationships from other adults who LOVE them. 

I do not get the cut off thing and never will!  It all boils down to CONTROL.  My DIL can control her own world to include DS but cannot control me and that's the biggest rub to her.  I miss DS and GCs so much as they are growing so fast w/o me but I know that they do have a very loving mom and dad who are doing a fine job as parents.  Just a cruddy job at being FOO family.

I get on w/ my own life and keep it full....I get comments fr DS that I am too busy for them and brag too much about my and DH's happiness and good life.  I have tried it on her terms and on my terms but it never worked because it takes BOTH parties to be interested in making things work.  I always felt I was doing all the work and when i stopped and let it go, I started to really heal. 

I learned that it wasn't about DIL, it was about me.  Not getting what is needed or wanted but never asking for anything either.  Just wait until the other party "sees the effort and will do the right thing by including me, or giving me that promotion" or what ever. 

If we want it it is up to us to work towards it and be clear about our own needs and wants w/o putting the other on a guilt trip.  Just a matter of fact....u ask me to get back on FB and I do so I can see the pics of the GCs.  DS and DIL are just too busy to send me any.  I must go fetch with the masses of their 2555 closest "friends".  So I am on their for less than 2 weeks and am happy to see into their world a bit.  Then my thoughtful DIL makes it a point to announce GPs day and how her kids just love her parents so.  Not a mention to me or about me.  So why wouldn't she simply give them a private shout out?  a personal email, card or gift?  Well I think it was to get my goad and I deleted the FB account the same day and unfriended all contacts, deleted all personal info so I wouldn't be tempted at future voyeurism.

A cpl weeks later, my son asked  if I saw the newest kid pics and I told him I had to excuse myself from social media as it was not a fit for me.  He asked what happened and I told him a person on the site was not nice.  He told me I could block the offender but I wasn't going to give. I know enough about this dynamic to tell him what happened.  It would only lead to denial and hurt feelings.   

People cannot read our minds but they do note the behavior and I made it easy for them to treat me like they did.  Now I have dropped the tug o war rope and simply live my life for me and DH.  That is enough for me.  Yes I am saddened and disappointed but I am not dead and I still have a lot of love to give away.  I am working on that and in giving my love and time to others who have the capacity to reciprocate in kind respect and love.

I too came over to WWU from another site that was supposedly for grandparents but it was just a forum for DILs to vent and bash.  So glad I found THIS site and am thankful for our administrators who keep the blamers and bashers OFF of this pure site for sharing and healing!!!
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: Lillycache on December 09, 2013, 08:12:32 AM
Absolutely Karma is real..  I have experienced it.  I can look back to times when I was thoughtless or selfish or self-absorbed and note how I NOW understand how hurtful that was to the other person.   Since, my only MIL died shortly after I was married, my reflection into the "Karma Big Bite"  comes from my own mother.  I understand how hurtful an adult child can be  but only because I was once a hurtful adult child.  So.. in answer to the OP.. YES.. Karma is real.. it WILL get everyone of us.  It's up to us to learn from it..  Unfortunately, those lessons come too late, because by the time we understand how wrong we were, that other person is usually gone and there is no chance for amends. 
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: luise.volta on December 09, 2013, 09:12:25 AM
Monday Musings: The term 'believe in' sometimes is a red flag...since belief systems are so personal. The last time I referred to Karma with someone I got into deep trouble. So I have renamed it...'Life.'  ;) What I put out there is a mirror and mirrors reflect back; lessons come, imperfections reign, learnings are usually in retrospect....Life. Since I will be 87 in less than three months, I find it really interesting that I am still making mistakes and learning. When I keep making the same mistake over and over again, it's is invariably because I got stuck (again) in being right and refused to learn. The way around that, for me, was/is to take responsibility for my part in 'whatever' while accepting that others will do that when (and if) they do. Their learnings are their business...even when they are my own (adult) kids!

Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: Stilllearning on December 09, 2013, 11:33:00 AM
Yes Louise!!  I have had people look at me like I was some sort of devil worshiper when I mention 'karma'  LOL!!  You don't hear me say it very much any more either, but I do believe that what goes around comes around.  Same thing....right?
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: luise.volta on December 09, 2013, 11:46:04 AM
To me, it's just semantics and I don't want to be shot for using the wrong word!   ;)
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: Lillycache on December 09, 2013, 11:46:40 AM
Quote from: Stilllearning on December 09, 2013, 11:33:00 AM
Yes Louise!!  I have had people look at me like I was some sort of devil worshiper when I mention 'karma'  LOL!!  You don't hear me say it very much any more either, but I do believe that what goes around comes around.  Same thing....right?

   Karma is a concept prevalent in East Indian religions meaning action or deed which causes an entire cycle of cause and effect.   Nothing horrible or satanic about it just as many of the Christain beliefs would be odd or scary  to someone not practicing Christianity.   Yes, I think the notion of "what goes around comes around" is exactly the same concept.. just not as exotic sounding to our western ears.
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: Pen on December 09, 2013, 07:13:40 PM
I don't know about "what goes around comes around" since I know of lots of people who are real hard cases but seem to be lucky as can be, and good people who can't catch a break. Maybe in the Great Beyond it'll all even out, lol.

What I do know is that most of the MILs here have also been DILs at some point. Not all DILs have had the experience of being MILs. I've observed really heinous MIL tactics (my first MIL, as well as my mom's MIL aka my grandma) and also wonderful MIL traits (my DH's mom.) When I became a MIL I vowed, and have kept that vow, to follow my DH's mom's lead rather than my grandma's lead.

Oh well, my DIL had an agenda (shunning the paternal ILs is a tradition in her FOO) so I lose out anyway. :(

Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: Lillycache on December 10, 2013, 04:26:55 AM
Quote from: Pen on December 09, 2013, 07:13:40 PM
I don't know about "what goes around comes around" since I know of lots of people who are real hard cases but seem to be lucky as can be, and good people who can't catch a break. Maybe in the Great Beyond it'll all even out, lol.

What I do know is that most of the MILs here have also been DILs at some point. Not all DILs have had the experience of being MILs. I've observed really heinous MIL tactics (my first MIL, as well as my mom's MIL aka my grandma) and also wonderful MIL traits (my DH's mom.) When I became a MIL I vowed, and have kept that vow, to follow my DH's mom's lead rather than my grandma's lead.

Oh well, my DIL had an agenda (shunning the paternal ILs is a tradition in her FOO) so I lose out anyway. :(

I know what you mean Pen.  I think we all know people who can fall in doggie doo-doo and come out smelling like a rose every time.  These are the people that always seem to luck out and nothing seems to stick to them no matter how obnoxious they behave.  Yet I have to believe that they too will face unpleasant situations which deep down inside they know is their personal "comeuppance"

I don't always think this takes exactly the same form as their crime or dirty deed.  Yet it is exactly the result of the cycle they put into action... as in the definition of "Karma".    A DIL who has hurt and ostracized her husband's FOO may not get that treatment in return from HER children.. especially if she has all girls.  However, knowing what it's like to lose a parent that I didn't always treat the best I could.. I feel the loss and the guilt everyday, and know that there is no way in this life that I can make amends to that parent.   Therefore, I wonder how the husbands will feel after their moms are gone.   Will they feel the guilt off knowing they allowed their mother to be hurt and mistreated?   Will they turn and look fondly at their wives knowing that they caused their mother grief and pain?  Could I personally have affection now for someone I know mistreated my mom?  I don't believe I could.  Therefore, the "karma" or comeuppance will take another avenue... but it WILL exist in one way or another.  It's simply the effect of ones prior actions that were set in motion by those actions.  It has to happen in some form or another.
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: DixieDarling on December 10, 2013, 05:36:54 AM
My parents taught us children many things. (I was very blessed in the parent area of life!!) but our 1st golden rule was, "treat others how you would want to be treated. Not how you believe they deserve."

I've lived by that code my entire life. And I can honestly say I've never been ashamed of who I am. Disappointed in myself sometimes yes but I jerk myself in line when need be.

That doesn't mean that I am treated good all the time by others because  I'm not. And I make mistakes daily. I get stuck in the "I'm right" mode to Luise, so I got that.
But at the end of the day I want to always be proud of who I am.

I'm learning so much here and I find myself saying, "why have I never looked at it this way before?" On many issues.
I've always believed if we stop learning we're dead.
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: luise.volta on December 10, 2013, 08:47:36 AM
We need to be careful here. If we write that we know we're not supposed to discuss our religious beliefs here "but"...we're off and running. After years of monitoring this Website, not going there seems to work best in the long run. It's not easy, I know, because our religious beliefs are part of us. 
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: stilltrying2010 on December 13, 2013, 10:06:29 AM
All very thought provoking. I believe in treating others the way you want to be treated. I feel in my own situation its getting difficult to continue to invest in a relationship when it isn't reciprocated. I am pleasant and respectful and send appropriate gifts/acknowledgments. Silence from them towards me. After nearly 10yrs married it is clear that all the married-in people are second class.  Its very lonely for me to be around them all.  I have been told to step aside and allow the relationship btwn them and our children.  The thing is, they do nothing to interact with our kids. Where Id like to be is indifferent... I admit I just go through the motions now but they have rekindled a relationship with my DH after a death in the foo.  I am glad.for my husband but wish that instead of just taking what they wanted they gave something to us as well (not material things)... I guess it's just my expectation and as long as i keep it is as long as I'll be disappointed.
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: luise.volta on December 13, 2013, 02:47:16 PM
Yes, that's how it was with me, ST. I was in the final analysis responsible for my own happiness and it just wasn't where I thought it would be. Hugs...
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: Sarah on December 16, 2013, 04:16:32 AM
Hi, I don't wish karma or anything bad on my mil.  I just like it when she leaves me alone.  I have gone from wanting a nice relationship with her, to being angry and not understanding why she is the way she is, to now, just being plain apathetic.  After all of the nasty, nasty comments she has made to me over the years, all out of earshot of her son, she can now live her life and I wish her well.  I don't wish harm or negativity on her.  I don't believe in karma.  I really just prefer it when she keeps to herself. 
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: Pooh on December 16, 2013, 06:54:48 AM
I understand that Sarah.  My first yucky MIL, I used to sit around and go, "Please don't call today...Please don't call today..."  I would have been perectly happy if she just left me alone.

I believe that whatever you put out into the world, is returned to you. May not be today, tomorrow or even 10 years from now, but I do believe the energy is returned.  Yes, I too know people that never do the right thing, and still seem to have good heaped upon them.  And I know good people that seems they never catch a break.  I think in both cases, eventually it will.  And it may be returned in a way that you don't even think about.  I know many good people that never catch a break, that live extremely happy and love life.  Those same people that that are negative, have good material things happen to them, but are some of the most miserable people I know.

Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: luise.volta on December 16, 2013, 07:40:03 AM
S - Good to see you! I am touched that you aren't harboring a grudge and that you wish MIL well. It is so true that hating others only hurts us. I had a very hard time learning that letting go didn't have to have to mean agreeing with or condoning. Hugs...
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: Sarah on December 16, 2013, 11:52:10 AM
Thank you all for your kind words.
I learned a long time ago that my hate wasn't leading towards anything but me being bitter and resentful. 
Pooh - you are right, my mil has all of the material possessions one could ever want, but constantly berates and puts down her only son, my husband.  My husband is a functioning alcoholic and it has been hard to deal with and it is hard when my husband goes to see them and he comes home drunk and hostile from them berating our marriage.  I have learned that I will never have a relationship with her, that I can never let her into my world any longer.  I do not stop her from seeing our children but I listen to what they come home and say.  So far, there's really nothing she is saying to my kids so I am thankful for that.  She dislikes me intensely but I have learned to let that go.  I see them when I have to and only with my husband present and it is very civil.  Not warm, but civil on a superficial friendly level. I am so thankful for this site and you and Louise's kind words.  I may not post all the time, but I take things with me reading your posts and you and Louise is are absolutely correct.  You have to find a place of acceptance and know that you can only control you.   Only you can find the peace within yourself.  So on that front, I think I'm a work in progress!  Thank you.
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: Pooh on December 16, 2013, 12:06:46 PM
You're a good person to continue letting the kids go.  I always did too and as bad as my MIL was, she really never said anything to the kiddos.  That was a big deciding factor in me continuing with the visits. 

I'm always a work in progress.  Right now, I'm having more issues at work than I am my personal life.  I love my job, but I swear I work with a bunch of 4 year olds!  They will work their hineys off but yet leave a sink full of dishes for someone else to do or leave a garbage bag in the hallway.  It's like picking up after kids!

So yes, I've been ranting and raving about that, and today I had to remind myself that I can't control them either and their dishes will be there tomorrow.
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: confusedbyinlaws on December 17, 2013, 08:43:51 AM
I tend to think people suffer the consequences of their own actions.  In my case I suffered the consequences of not speaking up for myself enough.  I am not inherently assertive.  However on those rare occasions when I did speak up about things that upset me about my inlaws, it was met with things like " you shouldn't feel that way" or "we don't mean it that way."  So then I would think I was wrong to feel the way I did so I would shut down again and things would continue on as they were.  However, just because I didn't get the response I wanted doesn't mean I was wrong to feel the way I felt and to respect my own needs. If I had had enough respect for myself, I would have taken better care of myself and established clear boundaries in my own home.  They might not have liked me as much, but I would have felt better towards them. What was wrong is the way I dealt with those feelings (or didn't deal) and I suffered the consequences of that for our entire 30 year relationship.  My inlaws are experiencing the consequences of not listening to me and not supporting or respecting me when I did speak up now because apparently they still want to have a relationship with me and I don't want to right now.  I simply don't want to be with them. However they still have a relationship with my husband and adult children, so they have never had to have the consequence of not having them in their lives.  But they have always treated my husband and kids great.
I don't know if I will have trouble with my DIL in the future and if that will be my Karma, but so far things seem good.  I think knowing how I felt when my inlaws took over or expected me to adapt to their family has helped.  I have a clear understanding that my son and his partner are in charge of their home and family and I am only extended family who is allowed to be part of it.  I don't think I am as intrusive as my inlaws, but maybe I am doing something else that might cause my DIL to hate me. 
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: luise.volta on December 17, 2013, 08:53:59 AM
I'm just now learning to 'speak up' and I'm 86 years old! I'm very uncomfortable saying 'no'...like it's a lack in me, if I can't say 'yes' or simply don't want to.
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: Pen on December 17, 2013, 09:34:24 AM
CBI, some of us haven't done anything to make our DIL's hate us but they do anyway. We can do everything "right" and still end up "wrong." At least we know we didn't intrude, demand, hover, or any of the other deadly MIL sins.
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: Stilllearning on December 17, 2013, 09:40:37 AM
CBI IMHO....if karma has a hand in things your DIL will not say anything about the things that bother her.  She may imply things but she, like you, will not be direct and you, like your MIL, may think nothing of it.  To avoid future conflict you will need to be very vigilant and when your DIL even hints at an issue you will need to ask her, point blank, if there is anything wrong and how you can correct it.  That will be difficult for you because you do not tend to face things head on......until it is impossible to ignore.  I hope it all works out well!!
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: confusedbyinlaws on December 18, 2013, 06:00:27 PM
Stilllearning,  I know what you are saying.  I tend to be overly sensitive to implications and hints, so I think I will sense if there is a problem, but the coming out and asking will be harder for me.  I agree that if I want the relationship to work that I'll need to work on that.  There are some differences between my DIL and me and  she does seem to speak up about what she wants a lot of the time. I like her.  She's genuinely nice.  And there are some differences between me and my MIL.  One is that I respect my DIL in her position as mother of my grandchildren and partner of my son and I respect that their life and their family and their home are  theirs and I am but a guest in their lives.  And if someone tells me something I am doing is hurting them or causing issues for them, I will acknowledge it and stop.  Having respect for other people's feelings has never been my issue.  It's been allowing others to disrespect me because I haven't had enough respect for myself  to speak up.   I have gone to therapy since all this happened with my inlaws and have figured a few things out.  I'm doing better... still struggling but better.  It's hard to change lifelong patterns. I guess I can thank my inlaws for bringing me to this point.
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: confusedbyinlaws on December 18, 2013, 06:04:56 PM
Pen,  I know it's not always the MIL's fault and not always the DIL's fault that they can't get along.  It is by it's nature a difficult relationship.  I don't blame my MIL completely for our problems.   But I also don't think I was 100% to blame either.  I haven't had problems like this with anyone else.
Title: Re: DILs...What goes around comes around.
Post by: Stilllearning on December 18, 2013, 06:36:45 PM
CBIL...You can tell a porcupine that its spines hurt you and the porcupine can wish that its spines were gone but barring major surgery.......

It stinks, I know, but we have to learn how to deal with them the way they are.  You can hope they will change, but to expect them to change is most often unrealistic, the same way it was unrealistic for them to expect you to not be bothered by their behavior.  I hope you keep trying because that is what family is all about.  It is not about everyone getting along, it is about everyone being there for each other even if they are not getting along.