I was 17 when I married to get away from home. We ran away to get married, and my MIL was a dear sweet loving wife....however, they were very rich, and she was used to having what she wanted and giving to her children....they didn't want for anything....
So after we were married, we had huge problems....she was so interferring....so smothering...and thought she was my mother....she even used to call us on Sunday's and ask why we were not in church. So we changed churches and she called us every sunday to check to see if we went. Oh the list goes on and on....I tried talking to her about all this towards the end, and told her we were going to counseling....we did, and the counselor told my husband, he had to break away.
Now me, I was so young, immature, controlling, wanted to set up housekeeping and do things my own way...even if they were wrong....Now, looking back, there were of course, things I gave her a hard time about that I shouldn't have...there were times when I would get very angry with her....like the time, she came over, took the baby and never said a word to me until I saw they were gone....that was mean....however, we worked it out....because we were both willing....but we discussed it...like the counselor said....
she took it hard...at times....but she was willing to listen...and she did slowly take a step back....I love her to this day....she is a strong willed woman, but she was instrumental in helping me be the woman I am today....and oh boy, did we have our differences....but long story short, I know where she was coming from.... ;D
Does anyone else remember?
I'd love to hear your stories about MIL and you....
Oh Creme! I don't think you want to hear about my MIL!
* I had a whole post outlining all of my grievances against my MIL and then I thought better of it.
It comes down to the fact that my MIL and I got along when I went along with everything she wanted and liked. As soon as I demonstrated that I was different and like different things and stood up for myself as a Person, our relationship went downhill.
I would also say that MIL never got to know me as a person. She could not tell you anything personal about me, where I went to University, what degree I have, what foods I like, what foods I dislike, or even my age and birth date. And I've been married for 12 years now.
I have to say that one of my most strident memories of MIL was a few weeks before we got married. She asked us what we expected them to say in their speech, I said "Oh, the usual stuff we'd like to welcome Scoop to our family ..." and she said "What if we don't mean that?" Ok, ha-ha! But then we were talking about my cousin's wedding (the week before) and MIL asked what the POG said in their speech and I said "Oh, the usual, we'd like to welcome Cousin to our family..." and MIL repeated "Well, what if we don't mean that?" Not so funny the second time.
I think that might have been the beginning of the end for us. And the funny thing is that MIL would DENY ever saying those words. She would vehemently argue that she "wouldn't" say anything like that. Except I know she did. I could even tell you where we were sitting when she said it. I think this is why I'm suspicious when a MIL on this board says that they've done NOTHING to deserve the treatment they're getting. I think that hurtful things get said "off the cuff" that damage the relationship, sometimes without the person even being aware of it. And I'm sure it goes both ways too.
Quote from: Scoop on August 27, 2010, 07:48:25 AM
Oh Creme! I don't think you want to hear about my MIL!
* I had a whole post outlining all of my grievances against my MIL and then I thought better of it.
It comes down to the fact that my MIL and I got along when I went along with everything she wanted and liked. As soon as I demonstrated that I was different and like different things and stood up for myself as a Person, our relationship went downhill.
I would also say that MIL never got to know me as a person. She could not tell you anything personal about me, where I went to University, what degree I have, what foods I like, what foods I dislike, or even my age and birth date. And I've been married for 12 years now.
I have to say that one of my most strident memories of MIL was a few weeks before we got married. She asked us what we expected them to say in their speech, I said "Oh, the usual stuff we'd like to welcome Scoop to our family ..." and she said "What if we don't mean that?" Ok, ha-ha! But then we were talking about my cousin's wedding (the week before) and MIL asked what the POG said in their speech and I said "Oh, the usual, we'd like to welcome Cousin to our family..." and MIL repeated "Well, what if we don't mean that?" Not so funny the second time.
I think that might have been the beginning of the end for us. And the funny thing is that MIL would DENY ever saying those words. She would vehemently argue that she "wouldn't" say anything like that. Except I know she did. I could even tell you where we were sitting when she said it. I think this is why I'm suspicious when a MIL on this board says that they've done NOTHING to deserve the treatment they're getting. I think that hurtful things get said "off the cuff" that damage the relationship, sometimes without the person even being aware of it. And I'm sure it goes both ways too.
sheesh, talk about Narrow minded....was her son there when she said that?
if he was, he should have really given her a verbal whatfore and said, "I never want to hear you talk like that to my wife again"....
and yes, of course it would have been damaged....she wanted it to be....how dare she be so cruel....??????
What I remember about my mil is that I once truly loved her. Truly. I used to feel smug for me and sorry for other people when they complained about their mil. I loved her for a very long time--nearly 20 years.
It turned to hate in a matter of weeks. Hate coupled with nearly mind bending rage. (Oh...and fil was included, too---but I held her more responsible and blamed her more (fair or not) because of the relationship I had with her before.)
Now...it's mainly indifference. Most times I just don't care about her at all. Don't love her, don't hate her. (Same for fil.)
My MIL died nine months after DH and I were married. She was very easy going and very nice to me, I must add that DH is the youngest and was very much a mama's boy but I really didn't mind, I was raised believing that a good son makes a good husband and he is a wonderful husband and father. My Dh's oldest sister is a lot like your MILs, she's manipulative, bossy, etc., we don't always agree on everything but we know our boundaries and have always worked out our differences, there's nothing we wouldn't do for eachother.
Isn't that what relashionships are all about? Even our DH's sometimes do and say things that we don't like or hurt us but we don't always get a divorce, we work it out or simply agree to disagree so why can't MILs and DILs do the same?
Good point, Guest1..I guess it has to do with what each party has to lose in a break up. Couples work it out because they both see the benefit.
Scoop, I can assure you that I have done nothing wrong; DIL has said so repeatedly. She just prefers her own family and wants DS to like them best as well. Your suspicions may be right in many cases, but not in mine :)
I've had 2 MILs. The first was very controlling, smothering and mean, and I vowed to never be like her. The second was sweet, helpful, kind, and accepting (not at all interfering or smothering) although there were many reasons for her to not accept me into the family (religious differences, etc.) She focused on our shared interests and chose to ignore the rest, as did I. She passed away a few years ago and DH's dad's new wife is rather cold and manipulative. I don't know her very well & don't really consider her my MIL since we're kind of way past that.
Quote from: Pen on August 27, 2010, 10:23:25 PM
Good point, Guest1..I guess it has to do with what each party has to lose in a break up. Couples work it out because they both see the benefit.
Thank you for putting that into words for me. It's what I've been trying to say but couldn't get right. (I feel kind of duh-ish now.)
Unfortunately my MIL passed away 3 years before DH and I got married. I do remember though that she didn't approve of our dating because I was younger than DH (I was 14 and he was 19)---although as I grown up (LOL) I do understand her concerns. Wish she would have been here to see what a wonderful husband and father he became.
Pen,what you said makes sense, I guess I've just never been put in that position.
I also wish my MIL would have been here to see the wonderful son she raised.
Thanks, Glitter & Guest. I can't speak for all MILs, but in my case I have a reason to work it out (DS & future GCs) but DIL doesn't (she has a perfectly fine FOO & doesn't see any need for us at all.) Since she "runs the show" you can understand where that leaves us :(
What I don't understand is how she can love DS, and she truly does seem devoted, but resent his FOO's presence in his life. Sometimes it seems that for her a DH is like a material possession, something that helps define her the way a car or house might. She's making sure he's polished and tidy so others will be impressed by her fabulous choice. We're the old french fries under the seat or the trash in the attic, to carry out that analogy :)
Again, I didn't express myself correctly. I'm on the same boat as you Pen. In my case DIL and her mother run the show and we have to be happy with what we get which isn't much. As a DIL/SIL, it has never crossed my mind to write anybody off, we've been fortunate to be able to get along.
I know DS would like to have us in his life a lot more but DIL makes sure he has a busy schedule.
You sound like a very nice and reasonable person and I really hope that things continue to get better for you.
Thanks, Guest1. You sound like a reasonable person yourself. I hope that you, too, can find peace and joy in your situation however it may twist and turn in the future :) And we thought driving them all around to all their activities and making sure their homework was done was the tough part of parenting, LOL!
My mother in law has always been my second mother. It has a lot to do in the fact that he was the only son. When I married my husband he was studying to be a doctor and she always saw how I supported him through all these hard years. She evens credits me for my hubby being able to finish his career. When my children were born...she was very supportive in all aspets. -emotional and financially. She use to express her opinion regarding the way we were doing things with the children but she respected and abide by our decision. I never mind hearing what she had to say because she did not try to impose things upon us. Besides she helped me so much and I welcome her orientation. She was never over us all the time. She was always at her home and we were the ones that visited her any time we wanted and she always received us with open arms. She used to get along wonderful with my mom and people even said my mom and mother in law looked alike.
My mom died many years ago but my mil even helped me through the process of accepting mom would soon died after a painful battle against cancer.
I had problems with husband about 10 years ago with my husband in his mid-life crisis and she stood there for me and against him.
What else could I asked for....she still loves me and of course loves her daughters and son more but I think that after her children, I am the person she loves the most.
She likes to play slots in Casinos and I take her often. When she needs something she calls me to help her out more than her own children. She has been a blessing for me.
That is why I have never understood why do we now have problems with dill What changed?
Love
Quote from: Scoop on August 27, 2010, 07:48:25 AM
It comes down to the fact that my MIL and I got along when I went along with everything she wanted and liked. As soon as I demonstrated that I was different and like different things and stood up for myself as a Person, our relationship went downhill.
I would also say that MIL never got to know me as a person. She could not tell you anything personal about me, where I went to University, what degree I have, what foods I like, what foods I dislike, or even my age and birth date. And I've been married for 12 years now.
I think that might have been the beginning of the end for us. And the funny thing is that MIL would DENY ever saying those words. She would vehemently argue that she "wouldn't" say anything like that. Except I know she did. I could even tell you where we were sitting when she said it. I think this is why I'm suspicious when a MIL on this board says that they've done NOTHING to deserve the treatment they're getting. I think that hurtful things get said "off the cuff" that damage the relationship, sometimes without the person even being aware of it. And I'm sure it goes both ways too
Scoop, I hear you loud and clear on this. Isn't it remarkable how we van manage to remember the tiniest details when someone else burns us, but the perpetrator manages to conveniently forget or outright deny it ever happened?
My DH and I invited his parents over for the 4th of July for a BBQ at our house last month. It was the first time they been to our home in nearly a year, but DH and I agreed that we needed to take baby steps toward reconciling with narcissistic, controlling no, so inviting them to our home turf would keep some measurement of control for us
Things went extremely well, I was surprised, until several days later we received a 'ThankYou' from her, which in itself isn't shocking. She's a prim and proper woman who loves to put on the show that she's always doing the right thing. Anyway, this is the woman who ruined literally every single thing about our wedding so badly that I genuinely haven't a single good memory about it...and she knows it.
So after the 4th of July, she sends a thank-you note, on a bridal shower thank-you you card, complete with the little 'love' stamp, thanking us for inviting her to our BBQ, and gushing about the wonderful opportunity to 'make a memory '.
I really just wanted to slap her. She's so conniving. I really don't have a single good memory of her. My DH threw the card out, he could see but the actual card and what she wrote that it was all a little dig from her, but she'll be the first to turn around and say that she did the proper thing, because she sent a card, she'll deny, deny, deny that it was sent in such a hurtful manner. (I still cry over our defunct weddding.)
:'(
Oh dear. I am so sorry you were hurt over this. I cringe because I did almost the same thing to my DIL/Son, thinking loving thoughts when I sent it.
I found a sack with a lot of cards I bought for future events...each had been carefully chosen and the sack had been promptly misplaced.
I found the sack about 9 months later and although those special birthdays and the DIL/Son wedding had already been celebrated with other cards, I decided to send those cards as well, even though they were very late.
I wrote those cards with love and the same sentiment in which I purchased them. I also wrote in them that I wish I had found those earlier, but loved them and sent them anyway. I never even received acknowledgement. I am just heartsick that something so trivial might have caused more reason for dil and son to hate us. :'(
I heard research that indicated, we will find proof to support the ideas we believe to be true. New information doesn't really change our minds. I am inclined to agree.
neecee, thank you.
I think that if you purchased the cards for a birthday / anniversary for them, intending to send them but genuinely didn't until late, then your intentions are honest. You seem like you are genuinely concerned about your DS/DIL misunderstanding your intentions, asking them if you had unintentionally hurt their feelings couldn't do any harm.
My story goes a lot further back with my MIL being a master manipulater. I never even had a bridal shower because of her and my SIL...long story. So the bridal shower thank you card with a 'thanks for the 4th of July memories' was downright rude on her part. And after all that she's put me thru, I'm sure she intended it that way.
So send her a thank you for attending message back on a "Congratulations on your Plastic Surgery" card? Oooh, strike that...not productive.....not productive.....
;D LOL! Thanks Pooh, I needed that.
I was doing great with the loss for a very good period of about four months. I really thought I was over things, although I knew some days might be bad here and there.
About 5 weeks ago, I started feeling very distressed again, even though nothing had really changed. I felt my thoughts of the kids were just waterfalling over me again.
Turns out DIL is pregnant about 5-6 weeks. So, part ten of a drama that has played too long begins again.
I don't have any positive memories of my current MIL. I've tried to think of something positive, but really there just isn't anything. The woman didn't even want to meet me, and when she finally did it was all downhill from there. I can't honestly say there have been any positive interactions with her.
But the memory that will forever stick out in my mind of her....oh boy.
DH and I had been together for about 2 years and I was 3 months pregnant when his parents came down to visit. They did not say how long they were staying until they got to our house...they were staying for almost 3 weeks, which, in itself brought stress, on top of being constantly nauseated and moody from pregnancy. When they would not confirm how long they were staying, I knew enough of them to know that meant they were staying a while. I asked DH if he was ok with them staying for an extended period of time, DH shrugged it off like it was nothing.
Within 2 days of MIL being there I had already had my fill of them. Snarky comments, rudeness, taking over our house as if it were her own, FIL hogging the remote, and MIL dictating what we were to eat, what time we were to eat....and on top of that, their two dogs were jumping all over our furniture, leaving hair all over the place (I have severe pet allergies MIL just doesn't care about) and one of the dogs pees...on EVERYTHING. By the end of the 2nd day I had cleaned up easily ten pee stains. You guessed it, MIL and FIL had cleaned up ZERO. It was like they genuinely did not care that their pets were destroying our floors. MIL just giggled and said "awwwwww, he can't help it, he's just old" as she daintily walked over the pee stains. I was steaming, and wanted the dogs outside, but still I said nothing.
On the third day, "Pregzilla" as I called her, made her grand appearance. I had been in meetings all day, came home from working over 10 hours at my job, tired, hungry, moody, nauseated, and just ready to go to bed; to find that my house now smelled like a pet-shelter, my MIL had made some kind of dinner that my pregnant nose and stomach immediately didn't agree with, and to top it all, I had beat DH home from work...so there I was, alone with them. The very first thing out of my MIL's mouth was "I think it's very rude when you don't call to tell me you'll be late for dinner." I didn't say anything, I just went to my room, closed the door, and burst into tears. Any other day that would not have bothered me but it did that day.
When DH arrived a half hour later, she immediately began slamming me, right outside our bedroom door loud enough for even the neighbors to hear her. "She didn't say a word to me when she got home. She's got to be the rudest person I've ever met! What are you doing with such an inhospitable <bleep>?" DH got her to calm down, then came to talk to me in the bedroom. I threw up, felt better, and came on out to be civil. She immediately started in on the comments again. DH couldn't seem to muster up the courage to say anything to her, so I did. I told her as calmly as I could that she was a guest in our home, that it was not her home, that her snarky comments would no longer be tolerated, and that on future visits they would need to find a sitter for the dogs or I would help them find a place to board them for the duration of their visit. I told her and FIL that they were quickly overstepping their boundaries and overstaying their welcome. She then informed DH and I that I needed to "treat them better on their visits and plan things to entertain them if we were just going to work the whole time they were visiting," and that they should not be considered "guests," but that as family they have the right to come whenever they want and stay as long as they want, and they don't need permission to do it. She also told me that if I ever tried to keep my unborn child from her she would sue me and DH for "grandparents' rights." She called me names, screamed at me, shook her water bottle in my face, pointed her finger inches from my face....and DH did nothing to stop her, so she just kept escalating the issue, putting her water bottle in my face, pointing her finger in my face, saying "oh little girl, I bet you'd like to hit me wouldn't you!"...and that's when she said it: "little girl, you need to respect your elders!" I tossed the contents of my glass of water in her face and shouted "when you ACT like an adult, I'll treat you like one! Now cool off or leave!"
MIL and FIL left the next morning. Within a few days I called to apologize to MIL for losing control and throwing water in her face, but told her that I did not apologize for what I had said to her because I really did mean it. I told her that our home was not her vacation house and that she would no longer be allowed to visit until she could learn to at least be civil to me in our home. To this day, she tells everyone that we "kicked her out onto the street in the middle of the night for no reason." It's really awful the sympathy she gets by omitting everything she did to land there. She has successfully turned nearly her entire family, and FIL's entire family against us. We are the monsters who "treat her badly," and it's really sad how many people DH and I used to be close to that believe her every word as gospel. They really think she's a saint!
So likewise, that's why I'm now eternally skeptical of any MIL who says "I didn't do anything to deserve this." Call it what you want, but it's an immediate red flag to me. DH and I have been through hell with this woman, so I will admit that I am somewhat jaded.
But it wasn't always bad. On a positive note, I want to share a story about my ex-MIL. She was a wonderful lady, and still is. My fondest memory of her was when she called me to ask if I would like to participate in a bake sale for her church. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I can cook great...but my baking skills are in much need of improvement, to say the least, LOL! I told her that I wasn't great at baking, but that I would be glad to come help her with her own baking. So I drove the 2 hours to her house on a Saturday morning and we worked nearly all day on cakes, cupcakes, brownies, pies, etc. When she wrapped all of the items for the sale, she labeled them "Made with Love by <MIL> and <DIL>." It was something so small, so irrelevant to most people, but it meant so much to me because I knew she meant it, it was just another one of the millions of small ways she told me that she really did love me. I told my xDH that evening what an awesome day I'd had, just me and his mom. I still talk to her and see her often. Still love her, she's such a peach!
M_P, you've got a truly heinous MIL. Believe that we're not all like the current one, if you can.
I know it's hard because your MIL sounds truly horrid. I can't imagine going through all of that without completely losing it. But we're not all that way. Some of us truly haven't done anything (& DIL will corroborate), or at least nothing even close to what your MIL has done. The red flags may fly, but they're often not warranted. Try believing us?
I'm sorry you were treated so rudely.
I have been in very limited contact with my MIL since around May of 2008 and this is an interesting question because my MIL has pretty much left us alone since about June of this year simply because she has her second oldest son now in the spousal substitution role that my spouse once occupied.
If I could think back as a whole after being away from her for a while, what do I remember most?
The part I remember most was her behavior when I first met her, she has escalated at various times in the time I have known her, I have noticed a pattern there.
I remember being told right off the bat that MIL was this innocent angel who did no wrong while FIL was this horrible beast who maltreated her so. I go and meet these people and I always do what I call the "Richard Hatch" (he was a character on a reality show and the first thing he did was sit in a tree and watch the contestants before deciding who to align with)
So I observed this family, I wanted to see who they were before I made the decision on if I would be comfortable joining this family or not should my now husband propose one day.
I know alot about abuse, I had a very abusive first marriage and my first degree is in psychology. I was baffled in watching MIL and FIL interact because it was not FIL that had all the text book tell tale signs of being the abuser, it was MIL. I watched MIL set up her husband to give the impression that he abusing her, she had the act complete with walking on egg shells when he made comments such as "the blueberries are bigger in Germany then here in Canada". FIL has a thick German accent that MIL was depending on us not understanding his words through, she would responde to such statements by hanging her head and stating "oh (FILs name) why must you always berate me?", FIL was frustrated, wondering where this came from. MIL was playing a script, playing victim.
The thing with her victim play is what was required of her two sons to "make it up" to her. It was to spend large amounts of their money showering her with big ticket item sort of gifts, especially ones that took all their resources in terms of time in installing them for her. MIL danced in the shower of the gifts and attention she was receiving caring very little about how her sons thinking she was so maltreated was grating at them.
I remember MIL smothering us that summer, not allowing us to have ANY couple time together. We could not even take a walk on the beach without MIL on my husbands other side. We were very much a threesome, MIL was his first wife (so to speak) and I was his second wife, who MIL was sizing up to see if I would fit in to the family. Her definition of fitting in is the question of "am I willing to take a back seat to her?" MIL mistook my observing as a resounding yes I will be okay with this and that is the basis on which she called me "friend"
When my husband proposed, MIL was not happy at all, she looked more lost then anything else. I had 3 weeks of planned vacation that my husband and I would use to plan our wedding starting on December 13th of that year.
December 13th comes along and we get a "rescue call" (I would find in time that these are all the time). MIL had broke her hand. All of a sudden the woman who goes to the doctor for everything she reads about in health magazines refused to see a doctor, the only rescuer that would do is my husband. We take the 2 hour drive to rescue her and she is sitting in her kitchen with her broken hand in a bucket of ice with crocodile tears coming down.
My husband asks her why she did not go see the neighbours, they would have taken her to a hospital, they are like family. MIL at that point lied and claimed they were gone all weekend. We spoke the to the neighbours and no, they were there, they even waved at her from their car as they were pulling into the driveway.
Next thing we know MIL is insisting that she must come live with us, her reasoning was that she did not want FIL seeing her naked and how else will she bathe?
She moved into my house (it was my house at the time, my DH was moving in once we got married) and now we had absolutely no time without her. I could not even move my arm without it touching her, that is how close she was to me at all times. We could not take a walk without her, could not even watch tv without her. Even our conversations had to include her now, my husband would explain to her what I was talking about with every word that came out of my mouth. MIL intruded this much.
The highlight of this experience was MIL asking me to wash her hair. I go into the washroom expecting to see MIL with her head over the sink, only to find her naked in my tub, telling me that it is okay, I can wash her boobs.....(which I did not do)
Finally I had enough and told my husband that I am not marrying him, his mother is just way too much. For all intense purposes he already has a wife in his mother. There is no room for me. I was not interested in this life with him.
My husband decided on his own that he did not want to live like this any more and I agreed to marry him only after he sought counselling and I could see that this spousal substitution he had going on with his mother was going to end.
That week, MIL effectively took away all the time that we had been planning to spend planning our wedding and put the attention onto her.
Oh and for the broken hand, it was a self inflicted injury...I would find in time that MIL self injures for each birth of a grandchild as a means of taking the attention off the newborn and putting it onto herself. For my kids she burned her own face in about 6 dime size spots. For SILs birth she *accidently* fell and the big question now was not "can I see the baby?" but "oh no, why is your hand in a cast MIL?"
Same trend for all the grandchildrens birthdays, not self injuring herself but she would come up with some emergency fiasco that put her in the limelight and effectively took the attention away from the one, or two year old grandchild.
This is the memory that has effected me the most and my MIL is a doozy of a woman, but this is the memory that sticks the most, the one that will always stick in my memory. I have such a hard time forgetting this for some reason, it was just so shocking to me somehow.
There you have it!
Your experience is truly horrible, GWN. She sounds like a hard case from day one.
My heart goes out to DILs who are dealing with MILs who have major issues regarding their DSs. My DM had to deal with a cruel MIL, my GM, so I've seen this first hand. My GM was the neglected wife of a loner DH; she smothered her narcissistic DS (spousal substitution, possibly) and resented my mother passionately. My mom tried to reassure her, but GM never softened. It really amped up after my GF died. After throwing a huge tantrum which we children witnessed, she did not visit us again. I can only conclude that my parents decided to cut her off somewhat.
And to think my worst crimes as a MIL are having out-dated appliances and no regular pedi/mani app't. Sheesh. If only my DIL knew how really awful it could be...
WOW GWN - that's all I can say, is WOW. You have the patience of a saint! I can't honestly say I wouldn't have found a way to put her in a high-security nursing home somewhere far away.
I appreciate that you bring a psychological perspective to this forum. I think a lot of the people we are dealing with here have some issues "upstairs," aside from a simple lack of communication skills and plain old "meanness." Unfortunately, we have to realize that those who truly need help usually won't get it because "they don't have a problem, everyone else does." Those who are left to pick up the pieces after their tiradic storms through our lives are usually the ones who wind up in therapy.
Pen- I see what you are saying there. Our neighbour is a lovely lady and I get the impression that her DIL is not so nice to her. When I see this all I can think of is how lucky this DIL is to have our neighbour and if only she would put into perspective what is truly and issue and what is not. I would give my eye teeth to have our neighbour as my MIL.
Miss_priss- Your MIL is the closest I have ever read to my MIL, so I think that you have the patience of a saint as well. I think you are a very bright person who will be just fine though.
In my situation I have never felt that I have the normal MIL/DIL conflict that one hears about, I think in my case it is more that the woman who happens to be my MIL is severely psychologically diseased period, the MIL title is simply the relationship she has to me. I would probably be better suited on a board about horrific psychiatric conditions and how to waddle through those.
But then again, I think you have a point, many of these DILs/MILs that we read on here, there probably is deep psychological issues involved and just as you say, the psychologically disturbed are not the ones that go to counselling or think anything is wrong with them at all, they tend to use projection and scapegoating. It is the victims of these people that suffer, that end up in counselling, that ironically wonder if they are the ones that are insane when they are not.
The biggest thing that I learned and is probably true for many here that have disturbed MILs or DILs, is that even though we are the targets of it, it actually has nothing to do with us at all. In my situation, my DH had an abusive mother-son relationship with his mother well before I ever came along, where it touches me is like the waves in the ocean, it is the ripple effect that I feel. The heart is the dysfunction that existed probably since my DH was just a child from him severely psychologically disturbed mother.
His family does a sort of dance around her, it defines how they behave as a family. Right now her mental condition is getting worse with age as most mental conditions will, especially if they are not effectively treated mental conditions, and the big family dance of dysfunction is to hide her from the mental health community, because if they see her they will surely put her away in a psychiatric institute somewhere. FIL is busy trying to save her from this, BIL is busy trying to save her from this. Of course "saving" her requires them to renovate her cottage again and in BILs case the "saving" requirement so far had four parts.
1. Buy MIL a house out of his own money (even though MIL is loaded) on his street- doing this alleviates her psychological syptoms, this never ended up happening, in the end but it was on the table for a very long time.
2. Gift MIL his sports utility vehicle (the only thing that even remotely bothers MIL about anything written about her is that I have mentioned her "clunky old van"). This is like the house, was on the table for a really long time but MIL declined it after a while, she wants a new one instead now.
3. "Save" MIL by moving her into a townhome complex and pay her rent on her behalf and have all her bills mailed directly to BIL. (MIL had a 2 day long temper tantrum when BIL tried to say no to her then emotionally blackmailed him by telling him that if he does this for her she will seek medical attention for her "condition" but if he will not she will not go- he fullfilled his end of the bargain, MIL did not fillfull hers- only left BIL in tears not knowing what to do next). This did happen, every weekend while she occupied the place, BIL drove down to service her.
4. Go to MILs cottage and reestablish the role of "endless sonny do list completer" but now BIL is in the role instead of my husband. This requires the list that MIL hangs on her fridge of all things that BIL can do for her but also BIL is to think on his own and make a list of all things he can do for her.
Yes, these are things that help MIL, if these things are given to her, her symptoms disappear apparently.....
See the enabling and the cycles...........MIL is simply a very entitled and self centered woman who *only* thinks of herself. She is a severe form of what they refer to as a Malignant Narcissist period.
I see what she is doing to BIL, looks alot like what she did to us years ago, but my job is to let it go and fight our battles not BILs. It is hard, I come dysfunction myself, so this is where I need to work on my boundaries.
It's funny that you mention "entitlement." I think some people think that this is a "new generation" thing, when it's anything but. It has nothing to do with age or generation, its a personality attribute that is as old as the human race itself.
And MILs like yours and mine are the reason for the negative MIL stereotype. And I agree with you. The title "MIL" has nothing to do with it, these people were nuts long before we ever came along. All we did was expose it.
To Miss Priss, you said
----I appreciate that you bring a psychological perspective to this forum. I think a lot of the people we are dealing with here have some issues "upstairs," aside from a simple lack of communication skills and plain old "meanness."----
I hope I misunderstood your words and if I did please forgive me. I understand your anger towards your MIL as yours is truly one of those extreme cases, but sometimes when you write you come across as if you're attacking some of us here. That is not what we come here for and I believe that is not the intent of this forum. The women here are in need of understanding, most of us don't come here just to vent but to try to learn and make things better for our families as well. Please try to show some compasion. Again, if I misunderstood you I apoligize.
Hi Guest1 - I believe you may have misunderstood me. I apologize if I wasn't clear. I did not mean to imply that the women on this forum have psychological issues (although we might, who knows?). What I did mean was that I think that a lot (not all) of the people we have problems with could have psychological issues. Some of the cases we discuss on this forum go far beyond normal communication issues into obvious personality and other psychological disorders. We are all here to try to cope and understand those issues, and encourage one another through it. I'm sorry I wasn't clear.
Ladies, I am truly sorry for what you've had to deal with....your stories are heart wrenching...
All I could think about reading these stories was my very own maternal mother...She hated me from time she became pregnant with me. Now, from my other postings, I suppose you know her father was an alcoholic and there was incest going on. All her sisters except one, were mentally incompetent. One killed herself. They're mother died very young, from cancer, but from what I understand, my Grandfather was physically abusive, and it must be true, b/c my mother beat me badly.
I remember her as a child, being married to a very abusive man...he hated me also, used to chase me around the coffee table, calling me a whap and a dego....b/c I'm dark skinned, and don't really know who my real father is? My mother lies terrible....and it's all for attention...she generates sicknesses, for attention, and when my last really nice step father was dying, she was so mean to him....plus we didn't believe that he was that bad, until the doctor called me....b/c she uses other people to generate attention.
My life as a child with her was horrible....however, the parts where she made me cook, clean, iron, and grocery shop were to my benefit. I did everything but pay the bills. I remember my foster mother telling me, that the men at the store used to feel so sorry for me, that she made me grocery shop, they'd help me carry the groceries home...I just thought they were being helpful and doing they're job.
she used to scream at me so badly, that my ears would ring...all about,
"I could have given you up for adoption but didn't" and I'd think, "I wish you had" and even told her that once. She's slap me so hard across the ears, they'd ring, and I can still hear that sound today. She gave me bloody noses, etc. She was very cruel and mean...and when I told her I was leaving home and going to work my way thru college, she replied, "no your not, your staying here and working a full time job and pay me back for all the years I raised you". Well, I worked since I was 13 years old and handed every cent over to her.
So, I told my boyfriend I was leaving and he said, marry me instead, I love you and we'll be fine. He was a rock for me during high school, along with my foster parents....I don't know what I would have done today without them....they were my lifeline.
What I struggle with is this....I feel very sorry for her...she has no friends....none...but she uses people....big time....always has.....and I don't go to see her much except on her birthday, mother's day, Thanksgiving and Christmas. I always give her money, b/c if I buy her a gift, she makes me take it back and get her something else, which always costs more.
When I was little, she'd do the same thing....and when I left home and she married the nice man who was my last step father, she made him do all the grocery shopping....and made him go back if he got something wrong. Actually she'd find something wrong, just to make your life miserable.
she'd make me clean and iron, before I'd go out to play...and I'd try to get done so I'd have some play time, however, if it wasn't done right I had to do it all over again....
she talked about everyone, no one was any good, and she was brutal....hated people who were well to do...hated herself really.
I could tell you stories that would make your hair stand up on your arms, but I refuse to go there any longer, and some of the things, I just would be to embarrassed to write or tell anyone about. I did see a physcologist for a long time while I was married....and told him everything. My husband would go in after me, and told me, the doctor shook his head saying, "I've know women who were much less off then her, and are in mental hospitals. She's a strong girl"
It's been difficult not to hate her, and I really don't think of her as my mother, I can't. And I don't hate her, but am very very angry with her for the way she treated my step father. The doctor himself called me to the hospital, on a Sunday no less....and when I got there, he started yelling, "you mother is a sick woman and should be hospitalized and proceeded to tell me how mean she was to my step dad. She made him feel so unwanted and sad....you see, he has to have a bag put on....he had cancer...and she went crazy about the smell and that she wasn't going to take care of him and he was a burden to her. However, it was HIS home they lived in, and he left everything to her. Do you know, the moment he died, she wanted to race home, cuz she kept saying, over and over again..."I know he changed the will, I know he changed the will".
He didn't.
Anyway, I feel guilty at times, b/c I don't really care about her....well, I do and I don't, if that makes sense? But I believe most of it is guilt, and I wonder how God feels about me. It's just so darn hard to visit her....or call her on the phone. She is really sick....you walk in, and before she closes the door she starts in about her, her, her....her bills, her sicknesses, and any other disgusting thing she can think of to talk about, and if you try and ignore her and watch the TV, she keeps on going, never stopping, never asking you if you want something to drink, or how is my son, her grand son....etc. It's all about her...and then she starts in on me, and my foster parents, and how she should have never left me go with them while she was working, and what a horrible daughter I was...and oh by the way, while I was growing up, she told everyone I was bad....and used to tell me, "Your going to get pregnant...." I vowed as a child I wouldn't, wouldn't give her that satisfaction to be right about me. And I didn't until I was married, it was that ingrained in me.
Here I am 61 years old, and have lived a pretty darn good life considering....consider myself extremely lucky, but have carried the fear all my life of being like her...so, I learned as a child to seclude myself from people....reason being, I was afraid that I'd disappoint them...but while growing up, I remember running around like a chicken without a head, trying so hard to please everyone. My foster family was very controlling...I suppose out of love and concern for me, and felt like they constantly had to tell me how to live my life....I appreciate that but it smothered me, so when my foster mother died, I cut them off, not completely, but told them they had to assume boundaries.
So, now I live in solitude and love it more then you could know, and very seldom do I get lonely. The one regret I do have, is, that b/c of my childhood, I always gravitated towards men that had to be fixed and had very unsuccessful marriages. Men who were so insecure, and just as mean as my real mother. Sheesh? Except my son's father...he was and still is a nice man, however, I was not in love with him, I loved him like a brother, and we were married very young, both very selfish and immature. We both made huge mistakes.
I just don't know, what I'm going to do with my real mother....she's getting worse and I could never have her come live with me....she'd go thru everything I have, and it's not the point I have anything to hide, it's the point that she is so untrustworthy....plus she'd yell and scream at me and I couldn't take it, I just couldn't. My son, has a very difficult time with her....he looses his temper, and he is so easy going and laid back.
When I ran away from home, she called my foster parents all night and all day long, I'm not exhaugerating....when I was a kid, and she was working at the theator, she'd call them constantly to check up to see if I was there, maybe 3 or 4 times a night. She'd tear my room apart looking for things, she'd call me when I was babysitting and make me say the most horrible things over the phone to make certain I didn't have a boy there with me. She is so horrible, yet, I could cry when I think of her....literally, my emotions about her are anger, frustration, embarrassement, and on and on.
So, ladies, all I can say, is God bless you for what you've had to deal with...and I sure hope our husbands are ok...if they are not, please, get them into counseling, b/c there has to be problems.
My foster mother used to always tell me, "She's still your mother, don't ever abandon her". Do you know they helped her out 3 times when my real mother was hospitalized. They paid her rent for 3 months and pre-paid her grocery bill for 3 months so we could eat and never told anyone they did it until later on when I was older, my foster sister told me, yet I suspected. And when my foster father died, my real mother didn't even as much as send flowers or a card....to my foster mother, and my foster mother took me into her home and raised me as if I were theres...but my real mother is so upset with that, b/c I made something of myself....oh, let me tell you, I'm not successful as a lot of people, but have done well considering....meaning, stability and being able to take care of myself....asking her for nothing.
She once even accussed me of making love to one of her husbands when I was older....she was filled with so much hate, she used to hit her husbands so much so....pushing they're buttons, so they'd hit her back. She didn't just yell and scream, but would keep on and on for hours about it, saying the most horrible things...I used to think that Satin was in her....b/c she'd be so cruel and degrading to you or anyone that ever cared about her....my first step father, beat her up terrible, but I witnessed the fights as a little girl...she'd push him, slap him, hit him, knock his glasses off...and there is no excuse to hit a woman....but she actually drove him to it....then she'd walk around, telling everyone he beat her, which he did, and he was wrong, he should have walked out...but from my own personal experience, let me tell you, growing up, there were many times, I almost hit her....she'd actually chase me into my closet and go at me verbally and physically, then throw all my clothes out of my closet adn tear my bed apart....turn over furnture, then come back to me....and I'd thank God when she left....and the people downstairs in the store used to hear it, we lived in a second floor apartment above a grocery store, but no one came to help?????? Or reported her????? I would have.....
Anyway, girls, you are to be commended for putting up with your MIL's and your husbands should be so greatful to have you and they're families after growig up with a woman like that....I bet a lot of times, deep within they're souls, they are not only embarrassed by they're mothers but fear that b/c they have they're mother's genes are afraid they may be like her.
It's very difficult to grow up like this....and yet, it does make us stronger....
I once tried to have my mother committed, and b/c I was only 20, I had to have someone an adult who was older testify to her behavior. My aunt, whose's husband was the one who abused us, said, my mother wasn't insane, she was just a child and never grew up...and needed a lot of attention....my 3rd step father, left my mother with just the clothes on his back, got on a plane and came home from Florida....he called me to meet with me and asked me why I never told him these things, and I said, "Would you have believed me". I wanted to, but I knew she put up such a good front, he wouldn't believe me.
He was so upset cuz he hit her....and told me, there was something very evil in her...she wouldn't stop until he hit her and then he started to cry, and said, he never hit anyone in his life....and literally couldn't take it any longer....I was angry with him for doing so, but understood how he felt....and felt sorry for him....
So, ladies I do understand what your going thru...there are just some people out there who are deeply disturbed....and I understand, why my mother is so dysfuncational, and thank God I had foster parents who cared....b/c I could have turned out just like her. My mother was beat as a young child, sexually abused and made to quit school and go to work and bring home all her money. Then bake and clean, and do laundry, cuz she was the oldest, and I think she was very angry about that. Then got pregnant with me, and was in those days, banned from society....everyone talked about her....she just lost it....
I should do more for her, I should....but it's so hard to be around her...I really loose patience with her....I'm a mature adult....and I should be able to put up with it, but I can't....why? Is it hate? I go off on her and get so angry with her, then when I leave, I think, why the heck didn't you just keep your mouth shut and let it roll off your back...you know what she's like? She brings the very worst out in you???? She is not capable of love....nor does she understand it....and I just don't know what to do.
Hugs and please forgive me for this rant....reading your stories, really touched my heartstrings and bought it all back....I'm glad your husbands have you....and thank you for contributing to this thread....
Creme
Quote from: miss_priss on September 01, 2010, 01:34:01 PM
Hi Guest1 - I believe you may have misunderstood me. I apologize if I wasn't clear. I did not mean to imply that the women on this forum have psychological issues (although we might, who knows?). What I did mean was that I think that a lot (not all) of the people we have problems with could have psychological issues. Some of the cases we discuss on this forum go far beyond normal communication issues into obvious personality and other psychological disorders. We are all here to try to cope and understand those issues, and encourage one another through it. I'm sorry I wasn't clear.
As far as I'm concerned, I didn't think you were suggesting us here...and knew what you meant....and yes, they do most certainly have psychological issues. After reading some of these stories, it just really breaks your heart, that these woman, have effected so many other lives so negatively....makes me want to look further into they're past...you wonder how they were bought up...and it also makes me so thankful to know, that I'm not like that....and yes, there are probably still, in my life, some baggage, however, I'm confident to know, that I'm not a bad person....just very cautious now....
Thank you Miss Priss for all your contributions and for reassuring the content of your post....I find you to be a very strong lady, not to mention, very honest...and that's ok....there will be some, that occassionally misunderstand you, and others here, because it's very hard to sometimes read the words of others without seeing facial expressions and such....and sometimes we interruit words that are written wrong....so, rest assure, we all need to explain what we mean, because we're all very sensitive about these issues. I'm greatful for you and all the others here....but most of all for this forum...
there are things which I've been able to vent here, which I wouldn't ordinarily consider talking about....this forum is a God sent....and I can't thank all of you enough.
Hey Anna, I'm so glad you had such a wonderful time on Holiday...where did you go, if I may ask...would love to hear about your vacation....
To Creme-
Thank you so much for sharing your story of your mother this way, it must be painful to even write about. I can only imagine what that must have been like for you. Sorry that you had to endure that as a child and then deal with the aftermath of it as an adult.
I typically also read mother stories too, I related to them alot because MILs are mothers when it comes down to it, it all inter relates very well.
Typically if we get enmeshed in the dysfunction of another dysfunctional person there is typically a reason in our lives (the same is for me, I was severely scapegoated by my family of origin, still very much am). With growth and reflection it is once we deal with why we got enmeshed, that seems to be the healing point, when we can let go.
I was being triggered by MIL scapegoating me, everytime MIL was unhappy it was blame, and bash Great White North for it, it is such a knee jerk reaction that I don't even have to have anything to do with the situation but she still scapegoats me. Scapegoats tend to take on too much responsibility for things that have nothing to do with them, I was reminded about what it feels like to be scapegoated as a child.
I have actually been following your story for quite a while and to be honest, you have grown substantially in the last little while. It is truly phenomenal and you should be proud of yourself for that. I think you have truly overcome this. If life is about getting challenges and then growing from them, if that is that point, then you my dear have excelled. Be proud of yourself for that.
You can't help who you were born to, that is truly a luck of the draw thing, and your mothers behavior is that of a very sick and twisted woman which again had nothing to do with you either. Let the issues be hers and hers alone.
You have grown wise from all you have endured, so you can use that gift to help others, which you are.
Greatwhitenorth
Can't thank you enough for the support and understanding....yeah, it is hard to remember, basically I try not to, however, the stories some of these gals told which they have to endure, bought it back...my heart goes out to them, and to you....no one should have to endure that...however, I do believe, there is a saving grace, and that is, to choose and what not to be like....and I refuse to allow hate to guide me....or my decissions...
There are so many very wise, mature, understanding and down right good souls in this forum....they have helped me along the way a lot....some of them being DIL's....who amaze me by they're resilence and fortitude of not hating, but realize, by understanding.
I'm sorry GreatWhite, that you are her scapegoat, however, you seem to understand that it is not personal against you....she would have been that way with anyone your husband would have married....the same with DIL's who are this way....and I think by realizing that, is one giant step to freedom from it all...
Again, thank you kindly...and wishing you great things in life....
Creme
Quote from: Anna on September 03, 2010, 07:17:15 AM
Creme, thanx for asking, & letting me remember our wonderful vacation once again. We went to Prince Edward Island, & stayed in a little cottage right on the ocean. Just steps to the beach. We went sight seeing, shopping, went to the toy factory, the cheese lady, the Charlottetown wharf, Avonlea Village, went to some fisherman's villages, it was beautiful. Watched the sunsets & the sunrises over the ocean, swam, lazy days suning on the beach, cooked simple meals, mostly on the bbq. Woke when we did, went to bed when we were tired, didn't even wear our watches. The cottage is in a very private area, & most days we had the beach totally to ourselves. We saw seals, osprey, jellyfish, lots of crabs washed ashore, we collected seashells, some of them I painted wth little boats, sunshine & ocean pics, & gave them to my gc, & other little ones in our family. I wrote their names on them, & P.E.I. & dated them 2010, little souvenier keepsakes for them, & they were totally free for me, found the shells on the beach, & I already had the paint. My hubby liked the little treasures I made so much that he asked where his was! LOL. We talked & laughed, & reconnected. It felt like we were on a honeymoon. These last few years, since our gc were born, have been very stressful on us, our dils behaviour took it's toll. So much so that hubby & I almost called it quits. I wonder how dil would feel if she knew how deeply she affected us, & the people around us. Would the knowledge bring her joy, or shame? The vacation my hubby & I took, just the two of us, was just what we needed. We will never allow anyone to do that to us again, we are stronger together!! Our vacation helped us to heal a little bit, & we plan to continue the healing, do what ever we need to, for us!! (((((hugs))))) Anna.
Ohhhhh my Anna, I am smiling here like anything! So, now you know what I was talking about don't you? And isn't it, extremely wonderful to reconnect, not only with hubby but with yourself....
When I was going to the islands...it was such a spiritual awakening....I felt like for the first time in my life, I was home...really home, within myself...everything seemed to come together....first time I spent 14 days there, and I don't care how much it costs, it's worth it, to live that kind of life for awhile. No watches, no schedules, no preplanning, no TV's or computers...just commune with the self....my oh my what an exuberent feeling....you come home and your brain is mush....which is really neat...
I realized my life was way to small, and I needed to get involved in other things, tostart fulfilling some of the dreams I put aside as a wife and mother....I also realized something very important....and I'm not saying this is you or anyone else here in this forum, however, it might help some of you, I don't know....but I realized, when you grow up living a hard life, as a child, you tend to look for the worst, and tend to expect them...b/c we feel we deserve nothing more....we don't know anything different, so we are conditioned to believe we need to worry to be productive...we look for things to worry about....so, I decided I wasn't going to be that kind of person any longer....you know I have MS, it's the recurring kind, there was a time they thought I'd never work again....or I'd never come back....but I did, and realize now, that it may be due to a lot of stress I put myself through...worry is very unhealthy for us. I have a girlfriend who has parkinsons, and she swears it's from the life she lived with her husband, very sad story...and I believe our emotions has much to do, with our physical health...so, I'm determined to let life fall where it may....it is, what it is...remember in the Bible, where it says...the birds don't worry about where they're next meal is coming from...well, what he's saying is, it is what it is...or whatever....LOL....and that is how I'm trying to recondition myself....
Oh Anna, it sounds wonderful...I'm so so so happy you went....and so happy you took the time to create something very special for yourself....there is so much to see out there isn't there? And it's vast and wonderful!!!!!! What nice pictures to paint in your mind, huh?
big big hugs....
Creme
Quote from: Anna on September 03, 2010, 07:29:59 AM
Creme, I just want you to know that you are a huge part of the healing process too, That you really do care, comes shining through in your posts. Just want to say Thankyou for that. :)
and thank you so much for you Anna....I couldn't have gotten to where I am without you and so many other people in forums....there are tons of good people out there....
I am still a mother, but I can't live for my kids and they can't live for me, they can't fulfill my dreams or expectations of how they should live or dictate to me, how I should live mine....grandkids are wonderful gifts, but cannot and should not be our whole lives...we can't depend on our children for our only purpose in life, there is so much more out there to live and see....it's 2010 and time we shed the bras.....LOL
love ya
Creme
Creme & Anna, so true. It's our time to re-discover ourselves and our grown-up relationships. This stuff can be very hard on a marriage or on friendships, which is kind of ironic since those are the relationships that will see us through. If we put it all into our kids, forever and ever, we're asking to be disappointed.
Anna, when you said "These last few years, since our gc were born, have been very stressful on us, our dils behaviour took it's toll. So much so that hubby & I almost called it quits. I wonder how dil would feel if she knew how deeply she affected us, & the people around us. Would the knowledge bring her joy, or shame?" I suddenly realized something:
On this site, when DILs/MILs are tearing their hair out in pain and confusion, it seems the people they're dealing with don't feel shame over their behavior. I've read posts by MILs/DILs here who do 'fess up and express regret or shame, but the perps we're dealing with continue on unabashedly. My DIL is never wrong, in all the stories she tells us about interactions with others, I've never heard her express remorse or sadness. She is always right, she never has moments of doubt, she never questions her behavior. Others are morons, others are wrong.
Early on in my situation with DIL, before I found out how she felt about me, I thought we were bonding a bit. She asked about our parenting strategies and DS's childhood. I told her what I thought were successes, but also some regrets. She used that info against us, spinning it to her advantage and influencing DS to see his childhood, and us, very critically. Shortly thereafter the bomb dropped. It was as if I showed weakness and she went in for the kill.
Perhaps that's the main issue in all our frustrations, DILs and MILs - that some people don't have any sense of other's feelings or any compassion. They'll use any sign of "weakness" (AKA having a balanced view of one's self) as an excuse to treat others poorly.
Hi Pen
yanno, I truly do believe these people know full well they are hurting others...
and yanno why, b/c she feels the negative energy off of you....don't allow her that...you have power over anyone who tries to hurt you....for instance, when I first started writing on the internet, oh how niaeve I was...and when someone came in and said cruel things, my goodness it shook my tree, and I would coware and run....some people are simply bully's. They are very very unhappy people and they do things simply to get a negative reaction....to push your buttons....she was raised to be like that, so she's got a real head start on you....
Now, I go in and post and if someone comes in and says cruel things I come back with a shame on you type of thing...and let them know how unintelligent they really are....you can do the same thing, but knowing full well, she is never going to be able to live up to your expectations....and there is nothing wrong with your expectations, however, she is just all wrong....and, I bet you any money, she doesn't like herself very much....not really....
Let them go....and when you need to be around them, try to work on (and this takes time) adopting a new attitude, that what she says and does, isn't going to bother you...you get to a point after years of this, that you don't really care anyway, it just makes you so mad, b/c you feel like this person is controlling your life, when in all truth, we are allowing them to.....by getting all upset, letting it really grind our whole being to the point of obesssing and replaying events that happened over and over again in our minds. It also wears on our husbands....b/c we're constantly talking to them about it....and it can, in time, literally play havoc with your health....so, why, why let it....she is your son's choice....let him go, let him live with it...if he chooses to allow her to estrange him from his family, that's his fault....annd there is nothing you can do.
I oft times wondered if, as a mother I was so used to being in control...and now, I couldn't control this, I wanted what "I" wanted and had to have my way...and the more I fought, the more I lost....we women can really be mean to each other, and when you take two women with a personality conflict and stick them in a room alone together, well, no wonder they call it cat fights.
I really really believe the only way we can fight this and come out alive, is by understanding our selves more, and by accepting where we fault in this....I can't speak for you, but I do know, where I faulted in my Relationship with my DIL....and yanno something very funny....I see a lot of me in her now....she is very strong, independent, used to doing things on her own, making her own decissions, raising herself...relying on her own self....it's difficult for her to trust people, b/c people have left her down so much....my son, choose a woman, who is much like his mother, and how flattering is that?
Pen, there is good and bad in all of us....and there is something good about your DIL to....right now, your just so overwhelmed and consummed with hurt....and rightfully so....stop letting her words hurt you and start living life without them....I mean really having fun....forget them....they can't and won't make you happy...the only one who can do that is you....
It's a horrible thing what she has done, it is....and some day, maybe, she will be sorry, maybe not, but you can't just sit by and wait for that day that might come, or might not....life is to short....and it's his turn now, he's going to make big big mistakes....he already has....but it's solely up to him to make ammends, and if he doesn't then shame on him....really....but, for the time being, do what Anna has done, try and consentrate on other things that can make you happy....do it....you've got the power to do that....and after a while, it's going to come first nature to you...and by darn, the first few times, they call you and want to shower you with they're presence, have plans, go out, and don't change them for anyone, no matter how bad you want to....and let them know, they are dispensible....and your not at they're beckoned call....don't call them.....don't make any attempt....let em wallow in they're so called choices....but one day they will call, and it's up to you to realize, if they are genuine, for if they're only calling b/c they want something....and YOU CHOOSE...tell them, geeze, sorry, we're not going to be home....don't make them your life....she knows you are now, and she knows your hurting....and one day, when she has children of her own, she might just change all her perspectives....you do you know....when children come along, boy do we start to change, and it's a slow process, but we do.....
I'm so so sorry for you....it's so difficult when we dream of how we want things to play out and it doesn't happen....but if we realize, that life just isn't like that....just when you think you've got it all, life comes along and punches you real hard in the stomach...it's b/c we're supposed to learn something from this one, to prepare us for the next...I so wish, like anything, that things would be different for you and your DIL wasn't such a selfish little thing....but she is....so, our next step is, to learn how to deal with it....
I think you have to start blaming your son as much if not more then her, for allowing her to estrange them from you.
But if you are able to get past this, someday, maybe they're going to get curious and come around, and believe you me, when you get to the point that I'm at, there is no way any body plays games with me anymore....I'm to old, and I want peace in my life and I choose my friends, they do not choose me.....and if someone smothers me to much, I'm gone....but I refuse to live my life any longer trying to live up to everyone else's expectations, I can't. I was suffocating....
I don't know if I said anything here that will help you, I just so wish I could.
Hugs
Creme
Creme- it is not how you start the race sometimes but how you finish it and you should be proud of yourself for how you finished it. How you started it was not your fault in the least, that was your mothers dysfunction, not yours...but you get to deal with the aftermath of it, I know, but guess what...you have and done so beautifully.
Now you have the gift of wisdom...which I have notice people who have had painful lives seem to have if they choose to learn from it and not be bitter.
O, so true. That drumbeat of things told to her in confidence and sent to him through her can be lethal once it makes landfall. Why? Why do some DILs have to make us look like criminals to our sons? It makes you think you can't live another minute. I wish I'd never talked to her in the beginning. Course, then, she would have said your mother never talks to me. How do you get over this?
Hi Anna, I think someday my son will regret allowing all this to happen, and I hope we're still alive to see it. LOL.
Glad you and hubby had such a wonderful time.
I want to say something about the sons and a few daughters having regrets or feeling guilt in the future for what they have done. There has been a seed change in thinking over the past years. Guilt is a dirty word now and shame, well, shame is just the dirtiest word of all. I think they do feel guilt and they do feel shame but it is bred out of them till their hearts are stone. Shame and guilt are the things that separate us from animals and it's being drummed out of humans today. So, will they feel guilt and shame for what they've done? Yes, because they're human but will they be talked out of it by books written to make them feel better and by people they're married to telling them that this is their life and they owe nothing, not even respect to their parents? Yes, because like they say, "I didn't ask to be born". How many times have I heard that one?
QuoteI want to say something about the sons and a few daughters having regrets or feeling guilt in the future for what they have done. There has been a seed change in thinking over the past years. Guilt is a dirty word now and shame, well, shame is just the dirtiest word of all. I think they do feel guilt and they do feel shame but it is bred out of them till their hearts are stone. Shame and guilt are the things that separate us from animals and it's being drummed out of humans today. So, will they feel guilt and shame for what they've done? Yes, because they're human but will they be talked out of it by books written to make them feel better and by people they're married to telling them that this is their life and they owe nothing, not even respect to their parents? Yes, because like they say, "I didn't ask to be born". How many times have I heard that one?
I have to add to this as well. We can't narrow this down to sons and daughters. There are older adult parents that do not know shame or guilt either, or rather they use "shame and guilt" to manipulate their children. It's not generational for sure. Of the DILs on this site, I think we'd all agree our MILs are absolutely shameless. Mine, for one, has told others that she has done nothing to feel guilty about, and the only thing she regrets is that she didn't try harder to get rid of me.
Shame and guilt are personal emotions as old as the human race itself.....the lack of shame and guilt are just as old.
I have an internet friend, who I've been friends with for oh, maybe 8 years now....and while we don't wish anything bad on anyone, his wife was very cruel to his mother...cut him off from her and he allowed it....she was also very hard to live with. They had children, 3, and I've found if DIL's and MIL's are cruel to anyone in the family, they are also cruel to they're spouces, etc.
Well, this woman was so bad, he left her, and found out the 3 kids were also treated badly by her....they left her to, and moved on with they're lives and refuse to see her unless she gets help.
He is very much like I am...after he left her, he gave her everything, and the kids were upset with him for that, however, he didn't want any more laywers playing games, as well as, he simply wanted to get on with his life....
I know he is struggling, he worked so very hard all his life....however, material things are not worth it to him....
Life plays out in strange ways...and there are just things we cannot control....to fight these things and fear change, is one of our downfalls, but if we work at acceptance, and changing our lives, it goes a bit easier....
adding, and some people just never get it, all of they're lives...they are so self absorbed, that, they leave this earth unfulfilled...it's a shame...