I haven't written a topic for awhile but I need advice again on how to put up with my DIL's drama. I feel like a puppet walking on eggshells. For Easter brunch, my oldest son had to work so DIL & GS joined my hubby, youngest & his wife & I at a local restaurant. She invited her FOO at the last minute. They all arrived late. We already shared with the waitress there would be 6 on our tab. She asked DIL's FOO who was on what tab. I spoke up & said to include her with our 4. I guess she didn't hear what I said but saw that I motioned our 4. Most of us left the table to go thru the buffet. When I returned to the table with my plate, our youngest son's wife was crying & ran out of the restaurant with my son following. My husband said there's a problem. The Drama Queen DIL came over to me & says "We're done". You can imagine I had no idea what had just occurred. I asked what was wrong, she shouted "if you can't include me as family then we're done." I asked what happened. She didn't think we included her. I said we asked you to come with us. She yelled, "but you couldn't pay for me". I said we did include her on our tab. Then she proceeded to yell that we should pay for everyone at the table & runs out of the restaurant. Her sister proceeded to tell me I was rude. I was still trying to figure out what happened to cause all of this. All I said was I'm sorry but DIL must've misunderstood. My husband grabbed my arm & said let's go outside. I was in shock. My husband was trying to talk to Drama Queen while I went to console my son & his wife. Youngest son goes back in to pay for he & wife & my husband & I. Comes back out to say he wants to leave. They rode with us. Drama Queen comes over to declare war on all 4 of us. It was just awful. All of us kept out cool but Drama Queen was determined to verbally bash us down. Should I have just said we'd pay the tab for everyone to start with? I feel terribly embarrassed & terribly upset. I know she again will keep my oldest son & GC away from us. It will be months before we'll see them again. Today is my birthday & I got no phone call from son #1. We live 4 hrs. away. Last year, we didn't see them all summer for some other indiscretion until she called in November saying the GC missed us. What is with these Drama Queens? I just don't get it. Why am I even trying....because I love my GC & son.
Oh Dear ,
This little lady seems very immature to me and maybe insecure too ?
Once she doesn't get the attention she craves , this drama queen will stop acting .
I would ignore this and all her other attention seeking scenarios . What does your Ds make of all her
play acting , he must be embarrassed in front of his FOO .
One day she will realise she is attracting the wrong kind of attention , as you have already apologised
for a misunderstanding outwith your control , I would let her wait out her silence .
SH, IMO some people are looking for any excuse to cause a rift.
I hope someone can be brave enough (DIL's FOO? DS?) to let this young woman know how immature & unattractive her behavior is. Other than that, you'll likely have to continue walking on eggshells.
If this hysterical behavior was acted out by a MIL instead of a DIL, the MIL would probably be cut off immediately. In this case the DIL will do the cutting from DS's FOO even though she was the one with the poor behavior. MILs can't catch a break sometimes :P We can't cut anyone off w/o losing our DSs & GC. Sad.
Can someone help me out with the abbreviations so I can better write any replies? I'm still a newby and don't understand them all. Please & thank-you!
Here's a list of some of them http://www.wisewomenunite.com/index.php/topic,2826.0.html
If you go to the home page and scroll down to helpful resources , it's under abreciations .....aka Abbreviations ....lol
you can still write any reply in full , it just makes it faster .
I hope it gets better with the Drama Queen but not so sure , I agree with others she is very immature and must be very insecure. AS I've found out by our drama king ( sil) this kind of person will find something to get upset about , I think they like chaos in their life so they just can't function unless there is always a crisis going on and they seem to like to call the shots on the crisis. WE had a scene of a drama king at the wedding reception so I can understand how embarrassed you were , at least you got to leave I had to continue on like things were fine for another 2-3 hours when all I wanted to do was go home . I think next time they come i ought to go to a breakfast house , get egg shells to dry and crush on the floor for us all to remember to step softly around him. lol Good luck and send any ideas to us all .
It sounds like your DIL really doesn't feel included in your family, so the moment she thought you purposely excluded her, she flipped a switch. My guess is there is a history here.
Honestly, I would be very hesitant to consider going to any in law function with my DH unless I was on very good terms with my in laws and I doubt you are on very good terms given her reaction. My speculation is that your son convinced her to go after significant persuasion. He probably told her that you would pay everything too. He may have even told her that her FOO was welcome in order to convince her to go. Frankly, had I been in your shoes, I would have just paid for everyone to ensure that everyone felt welcome.
I can see where if DIL didn't hear you and just saw the motion to the 4 of you, that could have hurt her feelings. Did she react well? No, it would have been cleared up at check paying time or she could have asked. Or even after getting upset and then you explained it, that should have cleared it up. As far as her inviting her FOO and not checking with you, then expecting you to pay, that was her mistake. Could your DS had told her to invite them and you guys would take care of it as FooFoo pointed out, sure...but we are making an assumption about that and then she should have been upset with her DH, not you. If she then told her sister that you guys would be paying, then that was on her and DH too, not you.
I don't think you should have paid for her FOO since you didn't invite them.
My DIL always flips a switch. She never listens to explanations or reason. She just jumps to conclusions & shuts me out. I believe this all stems from DS blaming me for divorcing his father. His father was never faithful & was abusive. Should I have stayed with him for the sake of the children - NO! His father has forever bashed me & I've had my moments of bashing too. My DS only remembers his father's side because I tried to shield him from verbal bashing from me. My DS can't accept things that can't be changed. I know DIL thinks she is defending DS by constantly watching me for any indescretions & to put me in place when she deems necessary. When DIL bashed my youngest son by calling him the favored child, that also seems to come from DS. My youngest son has an understanding about my ex & I. Both sons have a different opinion about me. I don't see why this whole mess can't be fixed but if nobody listens to reason it simply can't be fixed. Our DIL is very insecure & very immature. She too has to live with divorced parents. I just wish DS & DIL could understand that all we want it to have them in our lives, let go of the past & move forward. My DIL keeps a tally sheet & with each time she an "indescretion" she informs you of all your "indescretions". We rarely see them & sometimes we can have a visit & come out unscathed. Most times not. It kind of comes back to the saying "If a dog bit us, we wouldn't give it a treat." I just don't know how to fix all of this but just walk away forever from my son's life but my heart says "hang in there....keep trying to get through to them." All of this just makes me sick inside.
And this kind of 'divy-ing up' is done all the time in restaurants, nobody likes it or feels comfortable with it but only on the rare occasion can one generous benefactor pick up the tab for the whole table. However, I think both DIL's were out of line, tears in public and creating a scene... well just no. This was just a simple misunderstanding, carried to the extreme of a cat fight and what a sad end to what should have been a special and happy day.
soft hearted, I wouldn't spend too much time analyzing this. I've never liked, nor do I understand, spouses getting involved with latent childhood/parent wars. I'm not at all sure DIL is thinking these things out on a level you are imagining. She may just be a very highly strung person who as you said, loves to create drama.
Walking away from your sons life forever - is also too much drama. I would suggest and hope that you will do just what I have to do also, step back and try to live your life and turn in your badge. Our a/c won't mature and/or see the light until they are ready and want to, the same as we do. We are all responsible for our own actions as adults, there comes a time when its just over, the blame game that is.
SH - Part of your responsibility in coming into the Forum is reading and accepting the Forum Agreement and reading How This Happened and How to Postal on the Home Page under Open Me First. The abbreviations are referred to there. Thanks.
Now your drama queen DIL sounds really familiar. I've been there, walked on eggshells, got hurt, was told off, the lot ...
But now that she is ExDIL, I wish I could have her 'warts and all' (and my GC) back in my life and none of the awful things that have happened after the break-up would have come to pass. Give me drama queen any time, I say now but one is always wiser in hindsight.
I'm not writing this to make light of your concerns and hurt because I've been there and know how it can affect our sense of well being, all I'm trying to say is there is always worse. If your DS is somehow happy with the situation that's better than him wanting to leave the drama queen because he can't stand her any more.
Good luck with your DIL, she sounds immature and not that confident. Maybe she will change for the better some day.
Thank you for your replies. My situation with my DIL is a tough one. She's very narcisisstic. She is always bullying someone, not just family members. She has anger issues. Anyone who crosses her path in the wrong direction will hear about it loudly. It doesn't matter if she's wrong because in her mind she is always right. My OS is a good guy but rarely stands up to her because he knows he will be picked apart. This is his 2nd marriage & he has 2 kids from the 1st, 1 child with the 2nd. She has 2 kids from her previous marriage. That brings up another issue that worries me. She is constantly picking at the GK. Her kids can do know wrong but OS kids can't do anything right. I don't know how many times I've witnessed her disciplines. Whether at home or in public, she yells at them. Mostly yelling about lying about something. These kids are scared of her. They're afraid to say the wrong thing. I've seen these kids cry so much, she goes off on them "You are liars, you discust me, I don't want to even look at you." Our 13 yr. old GS, has in private told me that he gets blamed for everything. I worry that they will feel they have no value or self worth (if they dont already). These kids are straight A students. I have bit my tongue until it bleeds. My son just goes along with her demands. I see my son doing most of the work at home. He cooks all of the meals (otherwise she'll order out), he cleans, he does the laundry, does the grocery shopping & takes care of the kids. He looks tired most of the time. She whines all the while that she has so much to do but it appears that she just washes the dishes & runs her little Shark vacuum. She doesn't even have that many dishes since she uses throw away plates, cups & utensils. When her employees stop by, I hear her whining to them then see them folding her laundry & funny thing is that they know where it all gets put away.
We don't visit with them unless we're invited or needed for babysitting. It's been 4 yrs. since they have come to our house. We invite them only to be told they have too many functions going on. When we go visit, we spend quality with the GK & stay out of her way. I have never treated DIL unkindly, I always try to make her feel part of the family, I don't interfere or give advice or meddle, I babysit when asked, I have no expectations, I just try to get along. She just doesn't like me. Period! After the Easter episode, it became very clear that she doesn't like YS & his wife too. I don't want drama & I don't do drama. I only hope she will grow up & treat others as she would like to be treated. The first DIL was self centered but was never mean. The 2nd DIL just takes the whole cake. We will miss our GK deeply all Spring, Summer & Fall but DIL will call & want us again right before Christmas. Then we'll get to enjoy them for 3 or 4 months tops. During the good months, we'll get to have OS kids maybe once or twice at our home with no parents. That is pure heaven! It's been this way for the past 4 yrs. My DH & I will live our lives as best we can & wait for whatever crumbs we can get. Is there something I can do to make this situation better?
Sorry Soft Hearted, I didn't realise you had gone through a break-up as well when I posted my earlier response. So you know what that's like and to get a second DIL from hell, just such tough luck. I'm sorry to hear this, what a pity that the children are suffering also. Thinking of you, it seems a no-win situation ...
DIL is immature, self-centered, but her foo is so close and pretty much the same as she is! (Codependent) There is lots of drama and hard feelings in her foo.....we aren't built that way. Thank goodness never had the drama of the OP! We avoid drama a lot!
Yeah, I don't get that. My DIL's FOO are always fighting too. Mine never fight and just shrug and go on, roll with the flow. Maybe it goes back to the squeaky wheel. We could drive ourselves bonkers speculating.
Hey! That's the same over here, amazing the similarities. DHs FOO is always fighting. I said it to them once and they claimed they liked stress lol.
Not my DILs FOO.... they are all joined at the hip. Early in his marriage my son made the comment that the only thing her family argues about is who loves each other more. lol!! How do you even think about fitting into or being included in that?
It is odd. I can't tell you how many times, when DIL and OS were dating and she would be at the house, her phone would ring and it would be her Mother. She was constantly mad because her Mom was telling her on her way home to stop and grab milk, bread and her Dad some tobacco. She was always complaining about how they made her do stuff like that. Would say, "Mom doesn't work, sits on her hiney all day and then makes me go to the store and stuff. I can't wait until I'm not living around here and she has to do it herself." Then they move 5 miles from her!
She also play softball all the way through school. She traveled for a year with a college team that was really good. Tournaments every weekend, in some state or another. Her Mother would go to all of them, and then when she quit playing, handed her the credit card bill she had ran up traveling with them telling her she had to pay it off because it was her expense. What??? OS and DIL were angry about it. Then they move 5 miles from her!
Well , well, well , we have a link ! My dil foo argue all the time ! She says its normal in their house . Well my friends ,.not in my house ! We never have shouting , slanging matches . I hate that atmosphere . So is this a common denominater amongst us ?
Lilly says not in hers, but so far, 3-4? Mine never scream, shout or yell either. Hmmm....
Quote from: Pooh on May 08, 2012, 12:20:32 PM
Lilly says not in hers, but so far, 3-4? Mine never scream, shout or yell either. Hmmm....
I have been at several events organized and hosted by my DILs FOO. Their wedding shower, the baby shower and two baby Christenings. They catered it themselves and organized the cooking and serving in the kitchen. It was like 10 women operating from the same body! Everyone knew what to do and how to work together without hardling communicating. Of course they did, they had been together doing this stuff for decades. I offered to help, and was told there was nothing for me to do. Just go sit down and enjoy myself. I offered to help clean up, and was told the same thing. I felt like a guest, not the mother of the groom/father/etc. I was out of place. I know they thought it was nice of them to do the work and for me to sit.. OR perhaps they talked about me afterward and how lazy and unhelpful I was... who knows. These women form a tight wall around their family. My son is now their family and knows how to fit in with them. As a woman, I was not allowed to participate. I guess I would only have gotten in the way of their well oiled machine. They were always polite to me, but I just felt awkward.
It get it and know it must have felt awful. (However, I am lazy and just love it when someone tells me they don't need me and to go sit down.)
Quote from: Lillycache on May 08, 2012, 11:56:49 AM
Not my DILs FOO.... they are all joined at the hip. Early in his marriage my son made the comment that the only thing her family argues about is who loves each other more. lol!! How do you even think about fitting into or being included in that?
I'm sorry, but that's a bit nauseating, lol. Do they have matching holiday sweaters too?
Oh, forgot to chime in on the fighting poll - DIL's FOO has major drama and constant battles amongst the aunties and ILs. Someone is always being cut off or shunned. We don't even know these people but we've heard all about how awful they are (kind of makes us like them, lol.) DIL's DM is not a happy woman; she instigates a lot of the fighting, apparently.
Quote from: Pen on May 08, 2012, 10:12:07 PM
Quote from: Lillycache on May 08, 2012, 11:56:49 AM
Not my DILs FOO.... they are all joined at the hip. Early in his marriage my son made the comment that the only thing her family argues about is who loves each other more. lol!! How do you even think about fitting into or being included in that?
I'm sorry, but that's a bit nauseating, lol. Do they have matching holiday sweaters too?
I can just see them all wearing those Kitty sweaters and hugging trees.
There is a touch of humour in this thread which made me laugh first thing in the morning and boy do I need that! :D
I agree with Luise, why not revel in the peace and quiet and really enjoy yourself doing nothing - it wasn't your choice, you offered.
Nothing weirder than folks and humour is the best way of dealing with it, otherwise we are heading for a premature demise and that's not worth it, is it girls? Here is fighting on against the odds - yours FS
Great! Now I have that image in my head FS! ha ha ha
LOL forever spring.
They really thought I lost my mind when I told them the fighting was exhausting at holidays. I'm the weird one. Oh! And I don't get along with women, forgot that little nugget I was told. That's funny because I get along with my FOO, never had fighting on a holiday ever, no one screams or yells, none of that stuff ever happens. I have friends, kept friends from childhood and I was told that to be a part of their family I should cancel my plans with my friends for even minor family events, no matter what. It didn't matter if I was told last minute (see the key word, told...not invite) I should cancel on my friend to go with the family. I said I thought that would be rude to my friends and if my presence was important than I would gladly go with enough notice or if it didn't conflict with any prior plans. I was then told putting family first was probably personal growth I needed to work on LOL.
Then they complain they can't make or keep friends. Go figure.
I want nothing of this little clique. It reminds me of middle school, no thanks!
Just had a thought , I think they should have a new reality show or two. MIL of ______ and DIL/Sil of ___________- just like they do the Housewives of __________. I think it would be a great hit , some of us could all send in scripts to use .
Quote from: pam1 on May 10, 2012, 07:21:28 AM
I have friends, kept friends from childhood and I was told that to be a part of their family I should cancel my plans with my friends for even minor family events, no matter what. It didn't matter if I was told last minute (see the key word, told...not invite) I should cancel on my friend to go with the family. I said I thought that would be rude to my friends and if my presence was important than I would gladly go with enough notice or if it didn't conflict with any prior plans. I was then told putting family first was probably personal growth I needed to work on LOL.
This is exactly what happened to me when I was living close. The moment DIL knew that I was doing something else, she would txt to say she needed urgent help. There is a lot of bullying going on in relationships such as these ones.
One example of many: I had invited a friend for lunch one day but had to change the day from Tuesday to Wednesday. Wednesday was the day DIL had to go to GS's playschool for a little party and wanted to leave the baby with me. All hell was let loose when I couldn't babysit because of the change of date with my friend. In my view, it wasn't even an important appointment for DIL. She could easily take the baby with her to playschool and give older GS the opportunity to show off the little brother. But because I wasn't available, I was made to feel really bad. I did feel the weirdo in this scenario.
Mind you, I did enjoy the lunch, cooked up a storm and chatted and chatted with my old friend. The questions remains, with a little bit of loving and understanding, the whole thing need not have been an issue at all. I didn't let her down for a really important appointment, did I?
Like you I have a lot of friends and extended family. Fortunately I could leave that situation but I hate to think what could have happened if I had been dependent on them in one way or another. Nightmare!
DILs on this site what do you think? Did I let her down in your opinion?
I think it depends. Did you agree to babysit before the reschedule with your friend? If so, then yes I can understand DILs annoyance. It's one of the biggest issues I have with my in laws, canceling plans.
On the other hand, I know what you mean about the reason for babysitting not being very important. I'm not sure what it is but my SILs ask for babysitting for things like this too and I'm always a tad confused. Their husbands don't help much at home and they seem to think that the women in the family should help pick up their husbands slack. Instead of getting an appointment for their hair when their husband is home, they will schedule while he is at work and then call frantically around for a babysitter. Or they will want to go to the preschool or school for lunch to spend one on one time with one child yet they don't do it at home when their husbands are available. It's pretty annoying, I have not experienced people needing babysitters so much and then they think they are doing me a favor. "you get to spend more time with little one!!"
Quote from: forever spring on May 08, 2012, 10:42:27 PM
Nothing weirder than folks
Haha, this is soooo true! I need to cross-stitch that on something.