Hi, what a great site! I have been losing sleep over what might be a dumb issue. I have a 21 yr old son who moved 1.5 hours away 2 years ago to attend community college and he wanted to be independent. That was all fine until he met his current girlfriend. She is just 20 years old in April and just had a new baby girl April 18. I am loving the grandbaby but here are my issues. She grew up in this town where the school is located. We helped buy a house for them to live in and they are paying us rent. It was a nice foreclosure and my husband put tons of work into it for them. My son loves the house and the feeling like he has his own place. The bad part is that it is 4 blocks from his girlfriends parents house! It was all against my better judgement but everybody said it would not be a problem!! Wrong..... Since she had the baby her mother has been totally controlling and involved in every aspect of their lives. Her and her mother are joined at the hip. If the girlfriend isn't at her parents house the mother is at our sons house. When I see them and talk with the girlfriend I don't think a sentence goes by that doesn't include "my mom and I". I almost think she spends more time at her parents house thenwith my son at their house. Her mom is the type that seems to just take over when she is around the baby. She doesn't have much going on in her life and it seems as if she has made this her life. It drives me crazy that she is so smothering. Although the girlfriend is going along with it and seems to need it. I think they are both very dependent on each other and can't cut the apron strings. The bad part is she is never going to grow up because her mom does everything for her and buys her everything. They text each other constantly if they are not together. We only get to visit once a week at most because we work during the week and they are almost two hours away.. When we do visit her mom is usuallythere! It makes us feel weird because they just sit there talking about everything they have done together like they are raising the baby and not my son. My son has asked her to not be so involved and she pretty much ignores him and does what she wants. He is going to school and working so isn't home as much as the girlfriend. I think it is an unhealthy relationship between the mom and daughter? Am I wrong? When the girlfriend goes back to work next week she has scheduled her work around her mothers so the mom can watch the baby when she or my son are at work or school. I guess this is nice but at the same time I see the mom taking over even more. Do I say anything to my son or the girlfriend or do I keep my mouth shut? I feel like I am obsessing over this and feel really frustrated. I almost wish they would move to another town. Then they talk about getting married next year and I think they need to resolve this first or it will only get worse and my son will be more unhappy. I think the girlfriend needs to put my son first and not her mom.
I would say you are right. The girlfriend should absolutely put your DS before her DM.
Welcome to the Forum! When you get a chance please read our Forum Agreement. I know a lot of ladies will be able to relate to you!
Hello seems as much as you don't like it you need to nicely just stay out of it. Its not your relationship you DS needs to handle this on his own. If he comes to you for advice advise him but I wouldn't talk to him if he isn't have an issue with it. Do you have dd. It seems MD/DD is just different then a DM/DS relationship. Girls are more attune to their feelings and express more feelings then men do. Its not unhealthy until it interfer isn their relationship. And if DS doesn't think it is then you don't have a problem.
Futher you see what you see but you don't see the stuff they do on their own when you are not around. My DH's family assume some big things about me that turned out not to be even close to the truth. Your only seeing their relationship when you are with them. You don't know how it is when they are 100% alone.
Welcome Gaylab.
I think you are absolutely right. This sounds like a very unhealthy DM/DD relationship. However, I wouldn't say anything because it is liable to come back and bite you in the behind! It is DS's "problem" and he needs to be man enough to handle it on his own. I know it is difficult when you see your DS unhappy. And it is awful to see his relationship in turmoil and possibly end especially when there is a little one involved. But, if you say something and things work out, anything "negative" you say will be held against you. If things don't work out, "I told you so" is heard even when you don't say it. Best advice, Tread Lightly. :)
Quote from: gaylab on May 24, 2011, 03:05:36 PMI almost think she spends more time at her parents house thenwith my son at their house.
Although the girlfriend is going along with it and seems to need it. I think they are both very dependent on each other and can't cut the apron strings.
My son has asked her to not be so involved and she pretty much ignores him and does what she wants.
It is very that DS has a problem with his GF/FMIL's relationship. It isn't a matter of a daughter being "close" to her mother or more "emotional" than a DS. This is NOT a healthy relationship. If you do anything, perhaps you should recommend that he and GF go into counselling. His FMIL sounds like a well, you know what. She should be minding her own business. Counseling for them ASAP if they dream of saving their relationship and having a happy marraige.
YS still needs to handle it himself her getting involved will only spells trouble. Also did he know this about he GF before the baby was concieved? If so then he shouldn't have gotten to that point with her. What is healthy to one is unhealthy to another.
A lot of times, you don't always know beforehand how a person is until it is too late. People that are in abusive relationships, people that have been cheated on, and people who marry folks with awful in-laws and people whose children marry awful in-laws often have no idea beforehand. It happens. To point out that they should have seen the signs or somehow should have known better is akin to victim blaming in my mind.
Counseling would be of a help; I would certainly offer that suggestion if I were a parent and I was asked for advice.
I wouldn't worry about it. Families have been living in multi-generational households for thousands of years. It seems entirely natural to me that a young girl with a new baby would ask advice from her mother. As long as GF and DS are happy, have a good relationship, the baby is happy, what's the foul? It's heartening to me that the girl is going back to work, and the mother will help by taking care of the child. These things will probably work out.
My inclination is to recommend that you stop worrying, but keep a channel open for DS to talk to you if he wishes. Above all, don't complain about any intervention by GF's mother. In fact, don't complain to DS about anything related to GF. Let him bring it up if it bothers him.
Relax and enjoy your son and new grandbaby.
I should have given practical advice also. My practical ideas are these: 1. Make sure your son can call you whenever he wishes - without worrying about whether he is going over the monthly minutes on his phone plan. 2. If he seems to resent GF's mother being at his house all the time, you could say something like "It's OK to tell GF's mother that you and GF would like to have time alone with the baby when you get home from work."
Quote from: seasons on May 24, 2011, 04:43:33 PM
As long as GF and DS are happy, have a good relationship, the baby is happy, what's the foul?
I don't think DS
is happy
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on May 24, 2011, 04:02:32 PM
My son has asked her to not be so involved and she pretty much ignores him and does what she wants.
Well that's still his problem not hers. He is an adult he has to figure it on his own. I have il problems its not my mom's place to step in and fix it for me.
Sadly you can't force people to change you can only ask. The contrl he does have is, is this a deal breaker for him
SassyDI, I agree with your sentiment about not stepping in. I see a relatively young couple dealing with a large number of issues all at once, and young people often stay a little too close to home before they stand on their own. I think this is just growing pains.
Gaylab's son already addressed his gf's mother and asked her for space. It sounds like he is trying to set up some boundaries of his own. It is ashame that she wouldn't respect that. Sometimes the best help one can offer is space, while being an occasional sounding board and a support network if need be. Gaylab, while frustrated, is doing the best she can to avoid interfering, meanwhile the other parent is involved in DS's and GF's life at every turn, against one of the parties explicit wishes. That has to be tough when you know your child isn't happy with the situation and you're trying to do the right thing at the same time.
I am not say its right but ifs not something she can change. I do have to say childcare is expensive can they really afford if.
Holly, I agree that Gaylab is in a frustrating, sad situation. She can't speak up or risk losing DS & GC. It's a cruel double standard since we'd probably be looking at this differently if it was DS's mom who lived 4 houses away and was a constant presence.
Gaylab, welcome to the site! You're not alone.
Gaylab... I agree with you, the young couple does need to get a handle on this unhealthy relationship or the basis of their marriage may not remain strong.
I have a rather similar situation, as my dil and her mother are inseparable and while they are not living in close proximity this does not prevent them from constant interaction. There existence seems to revolve around the next time they will be together. As in your case they have become so inseparable that we have not been able to see my son/dil without her families presence in approx two years. Like your ds mine has commented on his concerns over the constant interference. In their situation, my dil's extended family is often involved as well, father, sister, grandparents etc.
I did once tell my son that it was up to him to work this out.. but it became painfully apparent that his opinions were going to be overlooked, as more then anything he was outnumbered and made to feel that he was interfering with her NEEDS. The problem lies with my dil, and I believe yours as well. Until she is ready or willing to give her relationship with your son the attention it deserves there will be no change. This unhealthy extreme attachment to her mother will continue to dominate not only their relationship but your relationship with your son and his future wife and daughter. You can hope that a little more maturity will make some positive changes, in our case I sure haven't seen this, actually quite the opposite.
Gaylab :
Welcome to WWU !
I think its a case of new Mom living next to her Mom , wanting company , help and reassurance with her new baby .
Your own son has to state his case of privacy and together time with his new family .
Any suggestions from you will look like you are interfering .while wanting to sort things for your son , its now his
family and he must be allowed to do this , which it looks like he already is trying to do .He will soon get
fed up with a house full of folk while wanting some quiet time , hopefully he will speak up to his partner .
You have already done more than enough to give them an excellent start , if he comes to you , by all means
voice your opinion .Don't become a grumpy grandma , then they will love having you there .
so an answer to your question , should I butt out ?....Yes , but be there for your son if he asks , when I ask my DS
'' How's things ?' , I either get ...'Fine ' or get a monologue of complaints .
So sometimes a simple question is all you need .
Ok hope I don't go to much of a rant here. First of all OP reading your post I have to say something struck out at me you said DS talk to her about butting out. First of all while I do agree this is not healthy I have to say how was it handled? First of all i always follow rule of thumb your parents you deal with them. I go to my DH not to the ILs because well I think DH can get a better handle on him then I can. 2nd young man sayng it I have to guess those might have been his words which truely put FMIL on defense mode. Last DS cannot control what happens when he is not around. So if he is at work and she is at home with the baby she visit who she wants. When DS gets home he still can't control where she goes but he could tell her you go to your mom's I will stay here with the baby. Or if FMIL is over then he could say "Hey you hang out with your mom taking the baby for a walk father DD time." He also needs to sit down with your FDIL and explain how he is feeling. And they can work it out. Compermise is the key. Its always going to be easier for FMIL to see the DGC because she is closer.
Also she is a very young mother and young mom's like her have a real tentsey to rely more on their mother's. Its why I think YA (young adults) need to wait to have children. She is barley out of the teen years of life so I think cutting a little slack is importnant too. Heck just the other day I was calling my DM over DD pooping problems. She never has a problem but she was freaking out and would not go. And when it came out I could see why. I know a little TMI but she pooped on the floor and when I got tissue to pick it up it was rock hard. It was Sunday and I had never delt with it before. DH was just as confused on what to do for her. So yes I called my mother because DSis had these problems growing up. I think if DH's mom was alive I would still be going to my mother. I mean its just how it works. And sadly men just don't always go ask for help its not manly enough so its never going to be balanced.
I also think childcare is something no grandparent can do for the very reason of your kind of right she is going to think she has more control because she is in a sense helping raise this child. I truely believe while many might not agree Daycare is the best because daycare is Switzerland. As they are so young and DS is in school I think they really don't have a choice. Daycare at least around here is very expensive. So in this I don't think they really have a choice.
I can imagine this must be hard but I think you just need to breath take a step back and focus on GC. Can you ask DS and FDIL to come visit you two? Is that possiable? Or met half way?
Welcome Gaylab. I am going to answer your question because "been there...done that...got the t-shirt". The answer is yes, you have to butt out. You are in good company here, because some of us can so relate. I saw all the warning signs with my OS and I did have conversations with him about how unhealthy my FDIL's relationship was with her Mother, plus how unhealthy their own relationship was. I was doing it because I loved him and thought I was helping. It totally backfired on me, and he was telling FDIL everything I said, she was in turn telling her Mother everything, which caused major issues between all of us. I have now not seen him in about a year and a half, and have not spoken at all in six months. I see no hope in a relationship with them.
So as much as you know he is unhappy and that his wishes are being ignored, it is for him to work out. Anything that you say in regards to this, could cause you some major issues, so tread carefully. We can no longer make their decisions for them and all we can do is support their right to make their own mistakes. I know it stinks, and I know it makes you feel helpless to watch what he is going through. Let him know that you are always there for him, love him and are willing to listen.
I agree Pooh. If you can't sleep at night please go talk to someone it might help you. Sense you can't tell your DS how you feel maybe talking to someone professional would help you.
Gaylab, I've been in your DS shoes. My parents kept their mouth shut for the most part, however if I was frustrated or upset they would point out things like how their parents treated them, how involved my grandparents were. I think they were trying to illustrate without bad mouthing that something was wrong.
I think it's normal to be worried about a grown adult child in this situation, I remember our marriage counselor saying that she wouldn't know what to do if one of her children married into an extended family that behaved like that.
So take it easy on yourself. Be a soft landing spot, one day your DS will need it.
She's very young and has a baby. She probably is leaning on her mother quite a bit. It's her mom. I know this may not be what you want to hear, but it's possible your son doesn't mind as much as you think. You sound pretty aggitated by the situation and even if you have not been saying anything to him directly, he is your son and he has picked up on it.
He may have told you that he said something just to make you happy. My husband did this with his mother for a while. She was not happy with the way we did this or that and when she would talk to him he would say 'I know I tried to tell cpr, but that's how she wants it' just so his mother would leave him alone. It ended up backfiring when a conversation turned to something that she and I actually agreed on and he was using me as an excuse! Now he sees how that created a lot of tension between her and I and he wishes he could take it back. Your son is young too. He probably still wants to make you happy and proud and may feel just a bit guilty not taking your side as you have been very generous.
As far as her mother being there for every visit, have you ever thought that you may make her a little nervous? I noticed that when you spoke about their home you called it your son's home, not their home. You may not even be aware of how a little thing like that could intimidate a very young mother. I know that you purchased it, but she lives there with your son and they pay rent. Even if he is working to pay the rent up until now, she has been taking care of your GC, birthing your GC and growing your GC within her body. If she feels like a visitor in her own home when you come around she may be asking her mother over for moral support. It sounds as though you may not be hiding your feelings as well as you think.
I may be wrong, but I do hope that you will give these possible scenarios some thought. This is not just the partner of your son, this is the mother of your grandchild. Developing a respectful relationship with her is in the best interest of you, her and your GC. This relationship with your son may or may not last. I hope that it does, but should it not you do not want to be part of the reason it didn't and you will wish that you had a good relationship with her. My cousin and her husband had a similar situation and it did not work out for their son, but they always stayed on good terms with the mother of their grandchild and respected her role in raising that child. They now see that baby more than their son (unfortunately he does the bare minimum). Because of the respect they showed to her and with which they treated her, they feel very comfortable calling her when it is not their son's weekend if they have something special they want to do with GC. And so far she has never said no. For everyone (including yourself) I would say you should 'butt out'. If not for your son, if not for you then for your grandchild.
Welcome, cpr. I hope you have a chance to read our forum agreement. I look forward to hearing more of your story and hope you feel like you fit in here.