WiseWomenUnite.com

Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: cremebrulee on March 03, 2010, 06:00:12 AM

Title: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: cremebrulee on March 03, 2010, 06:00:12 AM
I am starting a new thread for Willingtohelp in hopes that we can continue to learn from each other...I don't believe Willingtohelp is a bad DIL, or caused this problem existing between her inlaws and herself.

First, there is no way, on God's green earth I would treat any woman who was at the hospital with my son, the way his parents threated her.  They should have been happy he had someone there with him....

there are, unfortunately, a lot of parents, including mothers that are not able to leave they're son's go...it's a shame, but they expect when they're son's marry for things to stay the same, with the exception of now having a Daughter...and it doesn't work like that...change is inevidable and heathy...we cannot expect to run a son's life once they marry...we have no business interferring in they're private lives...yes, it would be so nice to have them be a part of our families...but unfortunately there are some personality conflicts which clash, and not every DIL,MIL relationship is a good one...

I believe in this case...and this is from my heart...Willingtohelp is justified in her feelings about her inlaws...they should have never, ever been that rude to her in the hospital...and/or have done some of the other things they have done.

What they did in the hospital to this woman, I think was more then rude...

Just my feelings...

but I'd surely like it if we could discuss this issue...b/c as much as we ladies have been scarred by our DIL's, there are an awful lot of young women out there who are decent people who have been treated just as badly if not worse, then we have by they're inlaws. 

So, what I'm saying is, when a DIL comes into this site...even though we don't always think alike...it's important to remain nutural and kind.....respectful and most of all, try to view it from another point of view and not our own personal experiences...not every DIL out there is like ours...and WillingtoHelp sounds to me like a very wise young woman, whom, we could all learn from, and not your evil DIL that we have been made subjected to...

And Willingtohelp, I'd also like to say welcome, please do come back and share....remember, everyone, written words are never taken in the same way they would be taken if we were sitting across from the person writing and seeing they're expressions and empathy....sincerity sometimes doesn't always come through in written words, and I can definately atest to that...as a lot of times, my words have been taken wrong and completely the opposite of how they were meant.

Also, we may between ourselves, get a little overheated and argue a bit...but I don't believe and maybe I'm wrong, it's a reason to shut down a thread...I think we should be allowed to disagree and post our reasons for feeling as we do...we are bound to become emotionally charged, and I believe that should be allowed in this site, as long as people explain themselves and give they're apologies. 

It couldn't have been easy for Willing to Help to come into this site...or any DIL for that matter....so, I ask you all, that when they do...can we drop our own personal experiences and give them the benefit of the doubt...and try to understand and see it from they're point of view and not our personal experiences...you can't dislike all DIL's b/c ours are dysfunctional...right? 

What does everyone else think, and please tell me if you think I'm wrong...

I just don't want this site to be a hate site...or have DIL's who really do have problems fear coming in here and posting...deep down, I believe willingtohelp was looking for our feedback and compassion....sometimes, it takes the whole world off your shoulders just to know someone else understands, no matter who you are....

Creme
Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 03, 2010, 06:45:23 AM
Quote from: cremebrulee on March 03, 2010, 06:00:12 AM
I am starting a new thread for Willingtohelp in hopes that we can continue to learn from each other...I don't believe Willingtohelp is a bad DIL, or caused this problem existing between her inlaws and herself.

First, there is no way, on God's green earth I would treat any woman who was at the hospital with my son, the way his parents threated her.  They should have been happy he had someone there with him....

there are, unfortunately, a lot of parents, including mothers that are not able to leave they're son's go...it's a shame, but they expect when they're son's marry for things to stay the same, with the exception of now having a Daughter...and it doesn't work like that...change is inevidable and heathy...we cannot expect to run a son's life once they marry...we have no business interferring in they're private lives...yes, it would be so nice to have them be a part of our families...but unfortunately there are some personality conflicts which clash, and not every DIL,MIL relationship is a good one...

I believe in this case...and this is from my heart...Willingtohelp is justified in her feelings about her inlaws...they should have never, ever been that rude to her in the hospital...and/or have done some of the other things they have done.

What they did in the hospital to this woman, I think was more then rude...

Just my feelings...

but I'd surely like it if we could discuss this issue...b/c as much as we ladies have been scarred by our DIL's, there are an awful lot of young women out there who are decent people who have been treated just as badly if not worse, then we have by they're inlaws. 

So, what I'm saying is, when a DIL comes into this site...even though we don't always think alike...it's important to remain nutural and kind.....respectful and most of all, try to view it from another point of view and not our own personal experiences...not every DIL out there is like ours...and WillingtoHelp sounds to me like a very wise young woman, whom, we could all learn from, and not your evil DIL that we have been made subjected to...

And Willingtohelp, I'd also like to say welcome, please do come back and share....remember, everyone, written words are never taken in the same way they would be taken if we were sitting across from the person writing and seeing they're expressions and empathy....sincerity sometimes doesn't always come through in written words, and I can definately atest to that...as a lot of times, my words have been taken wrong and completely the opposite of how they were meant.

Also, we may between ourselves, get a little overheated and argue a bit...but I don't believe and maybe I'm wrong, it's a reason to shut down a thread...I think we should be allowed to disagree and post our reasons for feeling as we do...we are bound to become emotionally charged, and I believe that should be allowed in this site, as long as people explain themselves and give they're apologies. 

It couldn't have been easy for Willing to Help to come into this site...or any DIL for that matter....so, I ask you all, that when they do...can we drop our own personal experiences and give them the benefit of the doubt...and try to understand and see it from they're point of view and not our personal experiences...you can't dislike all DIL's b/c ours are dysfunctional...right? 

What does everyone else think, and please tell me if you think I'm wrong...

I just don't want this site to be a hate site...or have DIL's who really do have problems fear coming in here and posting...deep down, I believe willingtohelp was looking for our feedback and compassion....sometimes, it takes the whole world off your shoulders just to know someone else understands, no matter who you are....

Creme

Dear Creme....this site is not a hate site and never will be. 
Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: cremebrulee on March 03, 2010, 06:48:10 AM
I wasn't stating it was??????
Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: Marilyn on March 03, 2010, 06:48:41 AM
I have the upmost respect for Luise,and will respect  her decission
Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: cremebrulee on March 03, 2010, 06:51:16 AM
I'm not stating I don't respect her decission...I was simply asking...I don't proclaim that my opinions are correct...I simply thought it would be a good idea to discuss the issue....
apparently I was wrong...I apologize for my post...it surely didn't go the way I thought it would....

I openly prensented this because I once belonged to another site, and in that site, if someone disagreed with another and it got a bit emotional, the thread was shut down...they were not using personal attacks, they were simply discussing an issue, that became emotional...so what I'm asking is, that we be allowed to express, as long as there are no personal attacks...

I respect Luise and her decissions...however, I believe it might be a good subject open for discussion, and, as I've stated, perhaps I'm way off base here....this is Luise's site...and perhaps I have no business making these statements....I mean no one any harm...or insult...I just thought a discussion would be good....

I apologize....


Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: Pen on March 03, 2010, 06:57:23 AM
It must have been my post that closed the thread. I'm very sorry if anyone thought I was being hateful or overly emotional. I certainly didn't feel that way and thought I was just giving Willing the input she asked for. My apologies all around. I feel so ashamed that Luise and others here might think poorly of me.
Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 03, 2010, 07:00:26 AM
Penstamen,
We love you here so much :)
Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: cremebrulee on March 03, 2010, 07:11:35 AM
Quote from: penstamen on March 03, 2010, 06:57:23 AM
It must have been my post that closed the thread. I'm very sorry if anyone thought I was being hateful or overly emotional. I certainly didn't feel that way and thought I was just giving Willing the input she asked for. My apologies all around. I feel so ashamed that Luise and others here might think poorly of me.

Penn, no, no no, I don't believe anyone thinks poorly of you...or anyone else here....sheeesh, I am really really sorry that I started this thread...
I just couldn't understand why the thread was shut down...b/c from what I read, it seemed as if everyone was getting along fine....and I was baffeled and thought perhaps something had been cut out of the thread that may have prompted Moditor or Luise to shut it down?

But Pen, I don't believe anyone was out of hand, they were simply expressing feelings...opionions, etc.

I truly apologize, I don't want anyone to feel badly...just wanted to truly express my feelings and confussions about what was going on...I don't believe anyone was cruel to the poster....or even lost patience with her....? 

Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: cremebrulee on March 03, 2010, 07:13:53 AM
yanno, much to my dismay, this thread is not working...
Please everyone, disregard it...it surely did not come out the way I meant it to....

I'm very, very sorry for starting it.....

Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: cocobars on March 03, 2010, 07:57:04 AM
Hi, I'm at work and don't have much time, but I made it a point to check in today. 

I just want to say that I believe it was my post that caused such conflict.  I saw so many red flags in that post that I couldn't address them all, and thought it looked like bait to me.   I just want to say that I lost my temper and my lips and fingers went with it, as poor as the excuse is.  I'm sorry I did that and all the posts leading up to mine were welcoming.  I promise that I'll make all efforts to hold myself back if I feel that way again, and I really don't want to be the cause of conflict here.  I felt at the time, I was saving us some heartache here, with this one's arrogance.  I do agree with Crème.  There have been other times that I thought someone was not being honest and just by holding back a little and asking questions (before losing myself like that), I've learned that I was wrong and the person writing in was really hurting and honest. 

I don't want to go into the reasons for all the "flags" I saw with this one, because we could be debating this for days.  I found something contradicting in each sentence, then each paragraph – and it was already a long post.  Then I also felt when I called her down on some of it, even so rudely on my part, she seemed to start back-peddling (another red flag to me on a pile of flags).   

I felt really awful  and I woke this morning and went in to re-read.  Long-story short, I don't regret saying what I did and could have said a lot more. My little mind had just "picked her letters apart."  What I did regret is the manner that I spoke, and the fact that I should have also acknowledged her feelings and unfair treatment.  I stared out saying there was a middle ground, and became so livid that I just never explained what I felt that may be.  I do believe she was treated unfairly at her first meeting and dished it back at the parents, and two wrongs never equal a "right." I believe I jerked the welcome mat out from under her that I had already rolled out, and put Luise in the "hot seat."  I'm ashamed for not having more control.

I don't regret my feelings, even today.   I regret responding so harshly, and I firmly believe the outcome would have been the same if I had not done that, but might have ended in a much more productive and caring way.

(I came through and did a quick email to myself so I could copy/paste this here.  I don't expect everyone to agree and it really is just my own opinion.  I expect others to have a different opinion. )  See you tonight!

Hugging you all!
Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: luise.volta on March 03, 2010, 09:28:21 AM
Hi All,

I think this topic is very valid and I don't think anyone has anything to apologize for. What we are doing here, thanks to C/ is taking a closer look at how we responded, individually, to the post from "willing" and the comments that followed.

I stopped it because it was escalating and when that happens, we often get so emotional that it gets in the way of doing the kind of work we come here to do. I watch for capital letters, excessive exclamation points and repetition. I'm pretty protective of our longtime, loyal members...so sue me.  ;D ;D

We can slip into a heated debate about whether "willing" did the right thing or the wrong thing when she met her in laws at the hospital..and some of us end up accessing feelings that have nothing to do with the current subject. It becomes a trigger, only. To some it felt like an invasion, for whatever reason. We are subjective creatures; it's in our genes.

I think looking at all of that is incredibly healthy. In the meantime, I am working with "willing" via PM and I encourage any of you who are so inclined to do the same.

Sending love. Pinging you all...and yes, "willing, too."

Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: luise.volta on March 03, 2010, 03:53:47 PM
So, what do you think about Creme's original post and suggestion that we look deeper and talk more about this? What I wanted to stop was our interaction with "willing" not our interaction with each other.
Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: Marilyn on March 03, 2010, 04:23:28 PM
I think thats a great idea luise.I just felt like Willing really didn't care about her IL's feelings.Thats what she stated,then ask for suggestions on how they could get along better.
Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: cocobars on March 03, 2010, 04:35:52 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on March 03, 2010, 03:53:47 PM
So, what do you think about Creme's original post and suggestion that we look deeper and talk more about this? What I wanted to stop was our interaction with "willing" not our interaction with each other.
Hi Luise!

I don't have a problem with talking a little deeper about "willings" post.  I have some reservations about a few people here and I'm just being honest.  I'm concerned it will lead into heated discussions.  I'm not sure I would participate at that point, but simply read.  It's a real touchy subject and as much as I believe we can learn from DIL's here, I also believe there are some DIL's that have nothing to offer us but arguments and excuses. 

This is your site and I have learned to trust that you are doing the very best you can.  I also know in my heart that you have enough experience to watch what's happening.  Anyway, I think it's worth a try.  If nobody tries, then we won't know if it would have worked and are just operating on fear. 

What has everyone else thought of this?  Chickie, Mominwaiting, Penstamen?
Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: cocobars on March 03, 2010, 04:41:06 PM
I guess the most important question is, how do you feel about it, Luise?
Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: cocobars on March 03, 2010, 05:15:17 PM
Quote from: luise.volta on March 03, 2010, 03:53:47 PM
So, what do you think about Creme's original post and suggestion that we look deeper and talk more about this? What I wanted to stop was our interaction with "willing" not our interaction with each other.
I don't believe you stopped our interactions with eachother. and agree with the "lock" on willing's post.  If you hadn't done that, I believe you would have ended up with a very divided site (which I think you have today anyway).  I'm trying to understand other people (I know we all are here), DIL's included.  At the same time, I expect to be understood too and I think the rest of the MIL's here would as well.  Isn't this a two way street?  I felt beraded by someone posting an anger management book last night after I gave my honest feelings here about a DIL that I didn't trust.  I apologised for my  behavior this morning.  I just can't apologise any further or take any more anger management books being thrown my way, or poor excuses, or a berade of back-peddling, from people who have the anger management issues.  I feel I've done my very best too and will continue, but I realized after that posting last night,  I was not respected for those efforts when I saw the "anger managment" book posted.  These are my honest feelings.  I don't think some of us were treated fairly this morning in the aftermath and should not have had to defend ourselves.  I personally took time off at a secured government homeland security facility to post my apology.  I think there needs to be some people and some emotions that are monitored very closely. 

I don't like being hurt.  I don't like hurting others. I don't like what I saw last night - from MIL's (me) and DIL's alike.   I thought I was in a safe place - until an anger management book was thrown at me the first time I lost my temper with a DIL.  Then I awoke this morning to that same person who posted the anger management book waiting for Creme's appearance when she arrived. It was easy for me to predict where the rest of the day was going.  I wrote the apology and mailed it to myself so I could re-read and edit when I could at work.  I don't get good vibes here...

That's just my opinion and I'm submitting it with a heavy heart.   
Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: Pen on March 03, 2010, 06:32:57 PM
I'm confused... I've re-read all the posts regarding this issue and I'm trying to understand what happened. I'm kind of a muddle-brain sometimes (think "Pooh Bear.")

Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: luise.volta on March 03, 2010, 07:50:27 PM
Thank you so much. I felt there was a lot that was left unsaid. We all have different filters and backgrounds and when we read each others posts, we can have different perceptions and reactions.

I shut the topic down because some us were getting hurt. For whatever reason, "willing" didn't seem to fit with the majority of our members and I am never going to stand still and watch pain be generated on this forum if there is anything I can do about it. We can always revisit the issue at a later date and take a closer look, it's not about censorship. Yes, it's my site and if I had to pay for it, Which I didn't, it would have cost me mega-thousand...but I created it for you.

Disagreements are always going to happen from time to time. That's OK, isn't it? My thinking was that we might profit from a general review without "willing" present. It seemed to me that several of us were put in a defensive position and I was hoping to move past that.

I doubt that there is such a thing as a safe place or space, the unknown always lurks, but I think we are all committed to coming as near to that as possible on WWU. We can't create the perfect site but we can give it our best shot.

I'm sorry but  I'm in the dark about the reference to anger management. We all have different fuses. What upsets me might be funny to someone else. Expressing rage on our site isn't OK. If that comes up, the person out of control needs to leave and cool off. That's in the agreement somewhere but I'm too lazy to look it up and quote it. 

Also, we all see different red flags. I'm very sensitive to anyone whose first post is very long, jammed with details and charged with negative energy. That's just me. I have to get to know someone a little at a time.

So how does this shake out. I'm the owner but I'm not heavy-handed and I want the best for everyone. Are we OK?
Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: Marilyn on March 03, 2010, 08:28:32 PM
I'm ok Luise,just concerned about Coco,i missed the anger management book also.I was not confortable with Willings post,after i read it,i had to wait a while,think about it,and re read it.Maybe an emotional scar,provoked my response.

I am here to learn and help if i can,and go forward.I feel you made a good call,and thank you for that.

Love and appreciate ya bunches :)
Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: Marilyn on March 03, 2010, 08:41:37 PM
The after affects of the full moon!!! :) :) :) :) :)
Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: cocobars on March 04, 2010, 03:25:29 AM
On my way to work, but wanted to check in and let everyone know I will try to come through today when and if I can!

I went to sleep last night and didn't get a chance to check again.  For me, as I stated before, I think when I don't try something, I never will know if it would work out.  That's just my opinion.  I have found that I over-reacted in the past (with my thoughts and feelings), and after questioning and responding to some of the new DIL's coming in, I realized they were here for the same reasons I was.  I wouldn't be here talking to some of our women if I hadn't tried that.  I saw by doing that, patience was important.  I also have to forgive myself and realize that I'm human and will keep stumbing at times.  That's ok.  I don't mind stumbing - I'll still get where I'm going...

I still stand by Luise's decisions here.  I believe she is doing the very best she can trying to make this a place where I and everyone else can come for understanding.  Thank you for that, Luise.  With patience, I believe all will work out.

This post presented a challenge for many of us (of course me too!).  Personally, I'm coming back in with an open mind.  That usually works for me - just changing my mind and lightening my own view that way.  I believe trust is not destroyed here, but can become much stronger if I work to understand more.  There is never a place to stop learning and I will be doing it until I die, maybe alot longer.  LOL!

Sending hugs to everyone!  Especially you Luise!  I know this one thread has been a challenge.  Your signature line is proving itself!  But yes, I think we are all going to be fine!

Thank you for understanding my feelings!  I would like to hear how everyone else feels too and personally put more value on women who have been here, than on the ones just walking in.  I would like to know everyone is ok too!
Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: cremebrulee on March 04, 2010, 04:14:06 AM
Quote from: cocobars on March 03, 2010, 04:41:06 PM
I guess the most important question is, how do you feel about it, Luise?

I agree with coco's last 2 posts...and yes, Louise, how do you feel about it....I suppose, I'm way to trusting...and I was literally confused as to why the thread was shut down...however, I have a much better understanding now....

Like Mom in Waiting said, I trust Luise's expertise, and, should have done so from the beginning...

Coco, I apologize, but I just honestly didn't see the contradictions in that post...I do know that people have come in here and posted to literally be contradictive and mocking...but, it's been a while, and I become somewhat forgetful and trust everyone....my bad....also, I didn't think you were getting over heated or emotionally charged...what I saw was, two people who disagreed and were discussing the issue?  Again, my bad...I just didn't see it...or hear it in either one of your words...coco, you have an uncanny knack, of writing very calmly, sincerely and understandingly...wish I had some of what you and some others possess here in this forum..not to mention...a lot of times, in other forums, I was being mocked, and just didn't see it...so....again...please forgive me....

Coco...thanks and Luise, thank you as well....I really am sorry but was honestly totally confused by the whole thing...

another thing, and I'm being honest here...sometimes I fear, that we as MIL's who have been scarred and hurt severely by our DIL's...tend to be leary of new DIL's who come in here...I think about what they have written and wonder to myself, "But what if they are legitament, and just cannot express themselves as good in written words, and I say that, b/c I am one of those people....I don't want to hurt anyone, and certainly don't want to be so gunshy that every new DIL who comes into this forum is someone who is like ours...they're are tons of really wonderful DIL's out there...who are having problems with MIL's....and I felt bad for the gal who posted that thread...so, please note, my questions were not reflected on anyone here....I just needed to understand what was going on? 

someone, please, hit me with a 2 x 4 will ya?



Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: Postscript on March 04, 2010, 04:27:24 AM
"you can't dislike all DIL's b/c ours are dysfunctional...right?"

This to me is the crux of the matter. I watched last nights thread and hesitated to post but I will now.  If this site is to remain a place of safety, it cannot be allowed to degenerate to where people are treated badly just because of their position in a family.  Luise was wise to shut down the original discussion, I also think it was wise to continue the discussion, to iron out just what it is we are all doing here.

I can see just how willing has got to the point where she doesn't care about her inlaws feelings.  We teach our children from a young age to ignore bullies, not to "let" them get to us etc.  Shutting out the emotion is a protective mechanism.  If willing doesn't care, they can't hurt her.

These women be they dils or mils, are bullies.  As I see it, this is not a site for Mils or Dils as such anymore, it is a site full of women being bullied by another woman in their family.  We are here to support each other and empower ourselves to overcome or even just cope with the bullying behavior.

Willing said she didn't prevent her husband from being with his family, sharing with his family etc.  I too think she was treated badly at the first meeting.  I think had subsequent behavior had been dissimilar, she would have put it down to a stressful situation, however when a parent thinks they should have some input by right, to their adult son buying a car, then they are far too involved in his life and need to take a step back.  Yes we are parents for life, but we must step back and allow our children to ask us to be involved rather than involve ourselves once they are adults.  Clearly she is in a siege type situation, being actively prevented from building a life and future family with the man she loves.

We all know parental love is strong and lasts forever.  It doesn't and shouldn't supersede the love between husband and wife.  When we get married we give our enduring love to the person we marry and promise to forsake all others for them.  I expect my husband to put me first, I put him first.  I fully expect my children to put their own spouses first in the future.  It won't mean they love or respect me any less, just like I don't love or respect my own parents less, since I became a married woman.  I firmly believe that there is room in our lives for many different types of love.  I remember being pregnant with my daughter (didn't know it was a daughter) and worrying that I would not love my new child with the overwhelming love I felt for my son.  I couldn't see how it was possible to love someone as much as I loved him.  Then I realised that I loved my husband as passionately and deeply as I loved my son (albeit in a different way I hasten to add) and that I could love another child, just as much.

Just my two cents worth
Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: cremebrulee on March 04, 2010, 04:56:13 AM
Pen, thank you, and beautifully said...well written and I believe speaks for all of us....

I to was thinking of this last evening and thinking, if my boyfriend were in the hospital, and I had to call his parents, and his parents came and treated me the way they treated her, I to would be hurt, and I believe they were so wrong...so rude...actually mean to her...I think they should have been happy to have someone there with they're son, who loved him....then I put myself in her parents place, and toyed with the idea of maybe they freak out when something like that happens and loose control of they're emotions, and under normal circumstances, they would have never ever treated Willing like that?  I know under stressful situations like that, some people loose it and are unable to function properly....so, I thought perhaps that might have been the case...but if it were my son, regardless of who was there, I would be happy someone was there with him...no matter how old he was, or who it was...and I certainly wouldn't push her out of any information or decissions that were made regarding his illness....

thank you
Creme
Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: cremebrulee on March 04, 2010, 05:29:20 AM
Hi Coco
thanks so very much but I don't believe it's necessary for you to apologize for your feelings because that is who you are, and we all know and realize, your a very deeply caring and compassionate woman....you've made time for all of us, and have responded to all of us, regardless...that speaks volumns.

again, I'm with Luise on any decission she makes, however, I do so appreciate you all taking the time to enter your input...again, I cannot see your faces, and sometimes, and I kid you not, I just don't get things...so I ask...it's not that I'm pointing fingers at anyone, but it's ok to ask, right?

As Luise said...there is no place 100% full proof...on the internet, that is safe...and from time to time, I suppose, some very angry woman will walk through these doors and do whatever they can to cause problems...however...and forgive me if I'm wrong....I know some people cannot be helped...but I do hope, this site becomes a haven for those who wish to better they're relationships with they're inlaws...so, that maybe at first, a new MIL or DIL who comes in is going to be contrary...(and I'm just throwing this out there for it to simmer with all of us) ok, she comes in, she has a chip on her shoulder, she's very young, and with youth a lot of times comes immaturity...however, she sticks it out in here with us...and she starts to understand our opinions and beliefs...but she's still a bit sharp and gun shy...but in time, it changes..she makes a complete 180 and starts to consider her inlaws feelings?  Those are the gals that I'm so interested in, b/c I feel deep in my soul...if we can help her understand, we are not only helping her, but saving her husband a lot of pain and grief, along with her MIL/FIL.....

Just something I thought about while reading all your posts....
doesn't say I think anyone did anything wrong...I don't....I really really don't....

and Coco...always stay who you are...you didn't do anything wrong...and I didn't read any problems in your posts, honest, I didn't.....I simply thought you two were disagreeing...and that's ok, we are never going to always agree with each other all of the time, which doesn't and shouldn't matter....doesn't make you wrong or me right, it's who we are and how we feel and from that we can all learn...

I want to thank everyone for taking the time to help me understand this...

I feel like I should tell you all, b/c you deserve an explaination...
I have M.S.  sometimes I'm great, other times I can't focus...and other times, I'm sharp as a tack....but a lot of times, I don't get it when I'm reading posts, b/c I can't see anyone's face or they're emotions...

I really, honestly didn't get what was going on here and wanted to understand and discuss it....

Coco, I have no idea about the anger management thing, but I'm sorry that happened...honest coco, I didn't see that you were angry at all....honest...

creme

Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: RedRose on March 04, 2010, 05:33:16 AM
I still stand by my original post about what happened to willing at the hospital. I won't repeat it.. I wrote it because I felt that I had something in common with her situation. I understood it.

I, also, see how the others feel about that first meeting too.

I also understand why Louise felt she needed to close the thread.

Having said that, I do think we could have discussed her problems. Maybe helped each other a little.



Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: Marilyn on March 04, 2010, 07:48:22 AM

Creme,thanks for sharing about your M.S.
I understand what you are saying.I have a good friend that has M.S.She is just like you.We were just co-workers when all this started with her.She would have days she could not comprehend,what i was trying to tell her.At first i had a real hard time with it.It made me leary to talk to her,because what i would say,she heard totally different.We are now really good friends,and i understand it's the M.S.She also will let me know when she is having trouble on trying to focus,and comprehend things..........it just kinda comes and go's.

This will really help all of us Creme,we can better understand you.There will be times,you will need a little more compassion on our part,to help you understand.

Sending Blessings and a hug
Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: Pen on March 04, 2010, 09:11:34 AM
So can we post our thoughts about the Willing situation here or are we done?
Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: luise.volta on March 04, 2010, 09:35:01 AM
We're still "open," P. It seems like an important thread to me. Most thread just kind of close themselves when all is said and done.
Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: cremebrulee on March 04, 2010, 09:53:23 AM
Quote from: Postscript on March 04, 2010, 04:27:24 AM
"you can't dislike all DIL's b/c ours are dysfunctional...right?"

This to me is the crux of the matter. I watched last nights thread and hesitated to post but I will now.  If this site is to remain a place of safety, it cannot be allowed to degenerate to where people are treated badly just because of their position in a family.  Luise was wise to shut down the original discussion, I also think it was wise to continue the discussion, to iron out just what it is we are all doing here.

I can see just how willing has got to the point where she doesn't care about her inlaws feelings.  We teach our children from a young age to ignore bullies, not to "let" them get to us etc.  Shutting out the emotion is a protective mechanism.  If willing doesn't care, they can't hurt her.

These women be they dils or mils, are bullies.  As I see it, this is not a site for Mils or Dils as such anymore, it is a site full of women being bullied by another woman in their family.  We are here to support each other and empower ourselves to overcome or even just cope with the bullying behavior.

Willing said she didn't prevent her husband from being with his family, sharing with his family etc.  I too think she was treated badly at the first meeting.  I think had subsequent behavior had been dissimilar, she would have put it down to a stressful situation, however when a parent thinks they should have some input by right, to their adult son buying a car, then they are far too involved in his life and need to take a step back.  Yes we are parents for life, but we must step back and allow our children to ask us to be involved rather than involve ourselves once they are adults.  Clearly she is in a siege type situation, being actively prevented from building a life and future family with the man she loves.

We all know parental love is strong and lasts forever.  It doesn't and shouldn't supersede the love between husband and wife.  When we get married we give our enduring love to the person we marry and promise to forsake all others for them.  I expect my husband to put me first, I put him first.  I fully expect my children to put their own spouses first in the future.  It won't mean they love or respect me any less, just like I don't love or respect my own parents less, since I became a married woman.  I firmly believe that there is room in our lives for many different types of love.  I remember being pregnant with my daughter (didn't know it was a daughter) and worrying that I would not love my new child with the overwhelming love I felt for my son.  I couldn't see how it was possible to love someone as much as I loved him.  Then I realised that I loved my husband as passionately and deeply as I loved my son (albeit in a different way I hasten to add) and that I could love another child, just as much.

Just my two cents worth

This was such a beautiful post...thank you for sharing
Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: cremebrulee on March 04, 2010, 09:54:24 AM
Quote from: penstamen on March 04, 2010, 09:11:34 AM
So can we post our thoughts about the Willing situation here or are we done?

Yes, Pen....I would love to read everyone's ideas on the subject....so please share....

Creme

Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: luise.volta on March 04, 2010, 12:18:33 PM
I can understand the reason some of you feel that my shutting "willing" down was premature, while others were relieved when I did it. As I've said, I don't want any topic to engender fear or hurt feelings, if that can be avoided. The possibility that we might loose a valued, long-term member concerns me. I would rather error by doing what I did, than look back and wish I had.

There are no "Robert's Rules." One person doesn't have to floor while the others listen attentively. It's not like that. There's no body language or tone of voice to aid in communication. We get a new person and we have no foundation. If the person is gentle and comes in softy, it's easier for most of us.

We want to welcome new members but sometimes they hit a nerve. We want to contribute to them...but with some we may not be quite ready for what they bring to the table or how they present it. Once in a while, someone comes with malice...and we bend over backward to give that person the benefit of the doubt.

I appreciate everyone's support.

Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: luise.volta on March 04, 2010, 05:14:18 PM
Pen?
Title: Re: Thread for Willing to Help
Post by: Pen on March 04, 2010, 06:20:19 PM
Hi, all -

I had such a great post (in my own mind, LOL) ready to go and then thought I should check. I hope I can remember my brilliant thoughts after a very odd day at work and a glass of zin :) Here goes:

If we're an MIL we've also been a DIL (officially or not) so we have insight that young DILs don't have yet.

Because of this perspective, I thought I was seeing both sides pretty clearly. I remember my first meeting with my future ILs - they had no idea their DS and I were serious, in fact they knew very little about me. It was very awkward. To them I was just another girlfriend, for all they'd been informed. I would not have taken over in an emergency until my status was established; it wouldn't have been my place, and I understood that.

As an MIL, I remember my first meeting with now-DIL. I had no idea she and DS were dating let alone serious, so I was as polite to her as I would be to anyone I just met in a casual, non-stressful situation. For all I knew she was a co-worker or classmate. If DS had suddenly had an emergency I would have been shocked to have this young woman jump in and take over...comforting him is one thing, and that would have been appreciated, but I would have been puzzled and probably very resentful if she'd tried to do more. Now that they're married, I expect DIL to jump in and she has (luckily not a life-threatening illness) with my blessing.

Once the marriage is in place, the parents of DIL and the parents of DS need to back off and let the couple make major decisions, such as a car purhase, on their own. If the couple ask for advice the ILs need to remember it may come back to haunt them. In a lot of cases I see the parents of DS having to step aside while the parents of DIL are still super-involved, which can cause hurt and resentment.

I'm confused by Willing's posts because at first she complains the parents brushed her off, and later she complains that MIL wants to be friends and hang out. I guess I don't understand what Willing wants.