I am looking for some insight regarding a particular situation that I have been experiencing with my mother-in-law. She is a wonderful woman and on most levels we get along extremely well. However, some problems have emerged since our children were born. The difficulty is that she is overtly critical about how I parent our children, and she speaks her criticism in front of the kids. Sometimes the problems emerge because our philosophies differ (i.e. she was upset that I didn't have the children potty trained by the time they turned two - we have had the same discussion for each of my three children). At other times I have (like most mothers) not handled a situation well - and sometimes not known how to handle it well - and rather than helping out, she makes it clear that she thoroughly disapproves of my actions (i.e. when my usually-happy infant son cried incessantly at dinner one night, and I couldn't figure out what was wrong. In the end, I took him out of his seat and cuddled him until he settled, but she was angry because I was missing supper). I am sure that our differences drive her crazy sometimes, and I hate to cause her such anger. The fact is, sometimes she is right; sometimes I am right; sometimes there are no rights, just different ways of doing things. I am sure that her comments must be said because she loves us, but I feel crushed when she speaks to me with such disapproval and I become tongue-tied. Can anyone provide some suggestions in terms of how to handle this situation? Mothers-in-law, can you give some insight regarding your perspective, so that I can understand and communicate better with my mother-in-law?
Welcome justme. Since you say you get along extremely well on most things, have you tried talking to her about it and how you feel?
Hi Pooh, Thanks for your note of welcome. I think you've hit the nail on the head, and this is where I'm struggling. How do I approach the subject? For me it is such an emotionally-charged issue, and I'm scared that my own anger and frustration will overwhelm the message that I want to communicate. Any suggestions?
Wine first
Well, since you recognize you are emotional on it, I would say the first advice I have is to try and take a step back and get a handle on your emotions so you can approach her calmly. Once you can do that, be honest but temper it with niceness. Us MILs that are also Moms, tend to think we are "helping" when we offer advice, and some don't know how to do it without sounding like they are "telling" you what to do.
All you can do is try and say things like, "I appreciate all your help and wisdom, but sometimes it makes me feel like you are angry and that you think I don't know what I am doing. There are times, when I am lost and learning and I could use your advice. And there are sometimes I just need to struggle through it on my own. So please don't think I am ignoring you or not listening when you say something that I don't agree with. I do value your input and help and I don't want to feel hurt when I know that's not your intention. Can we agree to let me try it my way first, and if that doesn't work or I can't figure it out, ask you for advice? Can we do that?"
I am only saying that because you said she is wonderful most of the time, so I would like to believe that she doesn't realize she is doing it. And if she continues after that, then at least you have set up your boundaries and made your intentions clear. She may not realize she is coming across that way. I certainly hope thats the case.
I have a horrible time with direct confrontation...since I never saw it when I was growing up. I know every way in the book (and out of it) to avoid it and nothing works. If, no, "when", you can get past your anger, which will sink the ship, probably, if you try to mask it...just tell her you know you are not perfect but you are doing your best and appreciate her support...however, (there's that word) please don't criticize me in front of my children. Later is OK, but not in front of them, please.
Welcome Just me:
You have come to this forum where you will get support and prespectives from DIL's and MIL's.
You sound like a very nice DIL, and I would say, that I would be proud to have you as such.
Pooh, gave very good advice, and I would have said the same thing.
I do not know how to hi-lite the section of Pooh's reply, so it as below.
Pasted from Pooh:-
All you can do is try and say things like, "I appreciate all your help and wisdom, but sometimes it makes me feel like you are angry and that you think I don't know what I am doing. There are times, when I am lost and learning and I could use your advice. And there are sometimes I just need to struggle through it on my own. So please don't think I am ignoring you or not listening when you say something that I don't agree with. I do value your input and help and I don't want to feel hurt when I know that's not your intention. Can we agree to let me try it my way first, and if that doesn't work or I can't figure it out, ask you for advice? Can we do that? End of paste
Sometimes, when we have raised our children, and then become MIL's or Grandmothers, we tend to forget that we were once young and raising children, that we also did not like a lot of advice from our own mothers and most of all MIL's. We have to step back and let the our children and their spouses raise their children as they see fit (unless we detect some harmful actions involving our GC).
I would say that you have all the incite in making your relationship smooth with your MIL, just try to stay calm and have a nice chat with your MIL with no one else there.
It sounds like you have a lot of love going on there and it is worth saving, so meet or take your MIL out for lunch in a quiet atmosphere and have a woman to woman talk.
I agree to chat with her, but if you don't want to outright come out and tell her, you could coach it a bit differently. Go to lunch or dinner with her when you're one on one and start innocently chatting about raising children and how hard it is, etc. and maybe ask her, "Did you have a lot of help from your mom or your mother-in-law?" Ask her how it was when she was raising her children. Tell her that you know you're going to make mistakes, joke about it, say, you just want to be sure none of them sticks a bean up their nose and they have to have surgery years down the road -- keep it light, but stick to it. I'll bet the conversation turns into something that will be productive for both of you.
StillTryen,
That is the best segue I've ever heard. I think that will definitely work, and take the pressure off of saying the exact right thing. Plus, the words you're trying to say may just come from her own mouth, and could create some common ground.
I'll bet this could be applied to a lot of other situations too.
Dear Ladies,
Thank you so much for your insight. Your wisdom is so helpful. (How I wish that one of you could have the conversation with my MIL on my behalf!)
And please be assured that many of us DILs do appreciate your advice. The difficult thing is that we often receive advice from a huge variety of sources and perspectives (moms, moms-in-law, friends, parenting books, doctors, the unknown lady that walks past us in the mall, etc...). We are often overwhelmed with (conflicting) advice, and eventually we need to choose the course of action that seems best for the situation. Sometimes we get it right, sometimes we don't. Thankfully we learn, and when treated with grace, I believe we can flourish.
My favourite quote for today, from theologian N.T. Wright: "Your tongue gives you the opportunity to bring God's grace to people, by what you say and how you say it, and it's a shame to pass up this chance."
Blessings to you for using your words to bring grace to my life today.
That was a very sweet post justme. And I can assure you, there are many MILs too that wish for great relationships and a DIL like you that is thoughtful enough to ask questions. I remember as a Mom being lost, wondering if I was doing the right things, etc. Heck, I'm still lost as an adult many times. I never had a problem with advice being given to me. Didn't matter if it was Mom, friends, other Moms, or whoever. I listened to all of it and made my choices based on what I thought fit best for me, my personality and was best for the situation. I did plenty of things right and I did plenty of things wrong. Even now as an adult, I am a researcher and will google something to death looking for different opinions.
But there are truly people that don't want to give you advice, they want to give you orders and hold animosity if you don't follow them. I had a MIL like that and it was very hard to deal with. I think you have a great attitude and just be youself and you will be fine.
JustMe,
By that post, I doubt you'll have any problems saying what you mean without being hurtful. :)
BTW...please stick around here. :)
I still say wine first... A nice dinner out .. a evening by the pool .. to me you're not buttering someone up but setting the table. If you really get along with your mil it's because she likes you as a person as well.. she may not even realize that she's stepping on your toes at times. Just talk to her as if she is the friend that she truly is.
I Think your MIL is lucky to have such a nice DIL and "Vice Versa"--sometimes
Say it like it is. Get her to read your post here.
Just me - You're saying she's a wonderful woman who just happens to harshly criticize you in front of your kids? Next time she does it, tell her to knock it off! You're the mom, you'll take care of it. Have some backbone girl!
Just Me
I love your attitude. I wish we could all be like you. You have a lot of patience. Good for you. I am a very intense person and would have probably exploded. When I was raising my children my mil did give me advice and we were also very close. But she was so sweet with me that I never minded her interference. She would give advice and never criticized my final decision.
All gave you good advice. Talking to her immediately before this escalates.
Laurie.....".you are really something".... When I feel down...I will send you a post so that you can make me laugh" some people do not like confrontations.....so if Just Me is one of them.....wine will help....and if it does not help.....at least she will care less. salud.
Love
Quote from: catchingup on February 10, 2011, 02:00:48 AM
I Think your MIL is lucky to have such a nice DIL and "Vice Versa"--sometimes
Say it like it is. Get her to read your post here.
This is the last place I would invite my mil, especially if I ever wanted to vent.. we think Facebook is unsafe?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure there's nothing good to come of this should I ever be found out. Probably a major step backwards.
Quote from: Nana on February 10, 2011, 03:17:43 AM
Laurie.....".you are really something".... When I feel down...I will send you a post so that you can make me laugh" some people do not like confrontations.....so if Just Me is one of them.....wine will help....and if it does not help.....at least she will care less. salud.
Aww thanks Nana.. but I really do believe in the casual approach first and see where it takes you... If you were to 'sit' this person down, then you are in effect saying.. I'm in control here and you will listen. Now of course this is the approach I took when my kids were younger but that's a whole different story.. for the record I did look in my kids rooms/drawers/closets while they were growing up.
But anytime you need a glass of wine and a chat... I'm here for ya Nana :)
If only MIL drank alcohol; you could be onto something for me Laurie.
Justme, welcome to the site. I agree with the posters who said you sounded like you will handle everything just fine. You have a kind heart and a great attitude. I hope your MIL can see how caring you are and how lucky she is to have a DIL like you.
Quote from: justme on February 09, 2011, 01:25:40 PM
I am looking for some insight regarding a particular situation that I have been experiencing with my mother-in-law. She is a wonderful woman and on most levels we get along extremely well. However, some problems have emerged since our children were born. The difficulty is that she is overtly critical about how I parent our children, and she speaks her criticism in front of the kids. Sometimes the problems emerge because our philosophies differ (i.e. she was upset that I didn't have the children potty trained by the time they turned two - we have had the same discussion for each of my three children). At other times I have (like most mothers) not handled a situation well - and sometimes not known how to handle it well - and rather than helping out, she makes it clear that she thoroughly disapproves of my actions (i.e. when my usually-happy infant son cried incessantly at dinner one night, and I couldn't figure out what was wrong. In the end, I took him out of his seat and cuddled him until he settled, but she was angry because I was missing supper). I am sure that our differences drive her crazy sometimes, and I hate to cause her such anger. The fact is, sometimes she is right; sometimes I am right; sometimes there are no rights, just different ways of doing things. I am sure that her comments must be said because she loves us, but I feel crushed when she speaks to me with such disapproval and I become tongue-tied. Can anyone provide some suggestions in terms of how to handle this situation? Mothers-in-law, can you give some insight regarding your perspective, so that I can understand and communicate better with my mother-in-law?
Hi justme and welcome....
I don't believe it's such a serious matter....and do believe it's workable....actually, give it time, and when the time is right, tell her exactly what you've written here....I know it's difficult for some DIL's to talk to an adult like this, but instead of viewing it as talking to her, view it as communicating your feelings to her....she might surprise you....and understand....?
I don't believe MIL's mean to harp so much so, that the DIL feels less then efficent....I believe they do it, b/c they're trying to problem solve and help....and we MIL's might take your response as a rejection, just as if you might take our words as controlling or wanting to live your life for you....we don't, really, we're simply trying to help and be a mom....all most of us MIL's want is to love you DIL's...honestly, and as you take things we say as perhaps a rejection, we do the same....and then the problems start to mount...so, can you sit down and share your feelings with her, confident, that you can both listen to each others views....not taking it as a personal attack, but actually, as the other person's culture?
I will never forget, my first visit to see my new baby GD....I woke up and heard the baby screaming and screaming, got up, walked out into the living room and there sat my DIL and son on the sofa with the baby in they're arms, tired and frustrated, and helpless....Gosh, I wanted to make it all better for them....I saw how completely exhausted and frustrated they were....you know those times, when the baby cries and nothing you try works...? Well, I wanted to tell them something I had read, and so wanted to get up and go over and take the baby, lay her on the floor and wrap her up good and tight in her blanky....but, I feared doing so...that my DIL might think I was telling her she was doing things all wrong, so I bit my lip, stayed out of it, and asked if there was anything I could do? And then sat up with them, saying nothing, until the baby fell asleep....but, omg, that was hard to do....
so.....
What I said to myslef was, "What can I do to help make our relationship better?".....I said it to myself over and over and over again, until I actually believed I had some ownership in problem, and I did....however, I didn't think I did anything wrong????? ;D
I'm wishing you the best....
Creme
Hi there Creme... did you guys get a snow day today?
Hi Justme
I am a soon to be MIL but also a GM .
Re the crying toddler at meal times .I don't see how anyone can enjoy a meal if a baby is crying .
My F/DIL told me in no uncertain terms that she was the parent and not to question her way of parenting , which I didn't .
Sure I took offence ,but she is the parent .
So I am now a nice smiley GM ,and if I see something really don't agree with ,I just zip up .
I would certainly say something if I thought the child was in danger , but we as parents all learnt by
our mistakes ,so you should be able to do likewise .
Now how you get this across to your MIL is a different thing .As this is your third child it's going to be hard .With hindsite perhaps you should have stated this with your first .
Perhaps when given advice you could say , ''I'll be sure to try that next time ''.
Or ask her how she managed to potty train at 2 years , ''Oh really ,I should have tried that ''
Or , ''Well you know I'm still learning ''...
you have to have an answer ready and not become tongue tied , when scolded at school we all became silent ...you are not at school .
You are the parent ...when you stand up to your MIL ,not in a nasty way ,she'll get the message .
hopefully .still be friends too .
no point letting it build up ,one day you might explode and say something you'll regret ...gentle persuasion ......good luck !
To me, this is your 3rd child.
You're seasoned, experienced and learned what works best for you. I wouldn't dream of giving my friends advice on their kids, especially when they have 2 and 3 kids already. They've been around the block. I say this as a new parent, but I would think the advice about the kids should naturally wear off after awhile. Maybe not with the first (as they continue to grow), but with the second and third, for sure. Especially when the advice sounds a little redundant and contrary to what you've obviously done before.
I really don't see what needs to be pointed out that you should be doing differently. So, I think a laid back discussion could definitely help. Brushing it off doesn't seem like it would be effective, especially since I'm assuming that's what you've been doing already.
To all of you who have responded - you have given me courage to move ahead with this situation. Thank you!
Mariatobe: From your mesage, I sense that you feel my frustration, and I thank you for your empathy. Hopefully I can gain some backbone! Please let me assure you that my MIL is indeed a wonderful woman - she is generous, she takes care of her friends who are ill, and she kept her husband alive for years as she daily administered his dialysis at home. She is without a doubt a self-sacrificing woman. The fact is that her flaw is that she is critical (not just with me, but others too... i.e comments re: the weight of a passerby, the way her son-in-law boils water, etc...). We all have flaws, right? I think that if I can handle this situation well, then we may see huge personal growth for both of us.
Creme: Thanks for sharing your experience as an MIL. I will make a real effort to share my feelings, as you have suggested. It seems that the conversation will be more profitable if I let her know how her actions have effected me, rather than simply defining boundaries. Perhaps then the relationship will change, not just because I've said it must, but because we have emerged with some common understanding.
Lancaster Lady: You're right! I should have done it with my first! I must admit that the first time I felt attacked by my MIL, I fought back, and while we both apologized afterwards, it still left me feeling awful. I suppose that in order to avoid that kind of confrontation again, I have resorted to quietly smiling and nodding. I am now hoping to pursue a more productive solution :).
Nana: I LOVE the quote that you have included!
Laurie: You make me smile.
Cheers and thanks to all of you! What an incredible community this is.
I think sometimes it takes more backbone to back off, be compromising and accept people for who they are.
You're dead on Pooh .. exerting the backbone in the right place the first time may ward off a lot of the later problems.. especially with family.
I am bothered that she does it in front of your children. When they are babies, the immediate affect is that their mother's confidence is shattered, but as they get older, they learn to not have faith in their own parents. If anything that should stop.
About the criticism in general, one thing I realized when my children were young was that my parents were even less prepared to have children than I was. They were younger, they did not have the benefit of the support that I had and both of them had deep personal issues that made being good parents very challenging. It helped me forgive them because I was not as prepared as I thought I was. My parents are like your MIL, very critical. I can tell you that they were not good parents and the hypocrisy of their criticism made me throw up in my mouth more than a couple of time. When I realized all of this, I stopped taking their criticism seriously.
It also kept me from criticizing SD when GD came along. I certainly did not and do not agree with many of the things she did/is doing. I can see how she is going to have trouble way in the future, but if I were raising GD, I would be making my own brand of mistakes that would bring trouble down the line. I've got no right to criticize.
I learned from my parent's mistakes that what a young parent needs is unwavering support, not constant criticism even if you don't agree with what they are doing as long as it isn't abuse. It is the best and most loving thing a GP can do for her GC
I agree that since she is a reasonable MIL who you have a good relationship with, you should talk to her and at the very least insist that she limit her criticism to never in front of the children. Elist your DH in policing her if necessary. He should not tolerate anyone treating you like that. The best thing he can do for his children is to make sure he protects their M from such things. I have a feeling she doesn't understand the impact of her words and once she does, she will temper them and there will be no need to get DH involved.
What does your DH say about it?