Back in May of 2007 I am overdue with our second child, our first child is 2.5 years old.
My DH goes over to MILs summer home to go and get trim for the nursery. I start to get labour pains, all excited and scared I call over to MILs summer home to get my DH, let him know it is time. MIL answers the phone. I hear her talking to my DH and I say, "oh good, he is still there, I am in labour and I need to talk to him"
The answer I got I was not expecting at all. MIL in a sing song voice answers back "NOPE, sorry not here", I say, "ummm but I can hear you talking to him" she replies "nope sorry, not here" in the same sing song voicen enjoying every minute of the torture she was putting me through. I start to panic, I am crying and beg her to give me my DH on the phone, I am frantic in my mind trying to figure out what I am going to do I have my 2.5 year old beside me, how is she suppose to handle this, OMG if he doesn't come home he will miss the birth of our son.
After a good 15 minutes of trying to get her to admit my DH was there and realizing that I was going to get nothing but the same answer from her I hang up, defeated, scared, angry, humilated and not knowing what to do next.
My DH senses what happened luckily and comes home, and then MIL gets excused for this behavior when we talk about it later as he admits that yes he was right infront of her and watched her lie and enjoy every minute of it because MIL is not a fully functioning adult thus "couldn't"
do the right thing, she is not even expected to try and do the right thing. She apparently can not and should not be expected to be an adult.
I am suppose to accept that about MIL, be the bigger person and pretend that MIL did not do this behavior this day and thus give her no consequences for it either, since I am the "bigger" person and all.
How do you think I felt listening to MIL go on and on even after she did this claiming to be so gushing for love for me, the baby and my young 2.5 year old daughter? How would you feel?
How would you feel if you were me and were expected to invite this woman to be included in the birthday celebrations for the very child that was in my womb and ready to be born and the child that she left to deal with it at 2.5, she tried to keep my DH from our daughter as well, how would the 2.5 year handled it if got ugly, if it turned into an emergency?
Yet I am expected to include her in birthday celebrations and I just won't do it, I just can't. So MIL tries to sneak in them, using her enablers.
Want to hear MILs validation for why what she did was okay? It turned out to be false labour, thus no baby was born and I was not in actual labour after all........thus MIL is pronounced
INNOCENT
So if MILs antics don't do what she intended them to do, she is to be excused for all the ill will that was in her heart, in this family the denial is so strong that her antics producing no fruit means MIL did no malignant actions even.
My Daughters birthday celebrations are next weekend and MIL is not welcome at them, but I am sure I will be posting about how the dishonest measures she pulled to be there.
After years and years of counselling about this very issue the counsellor broke through my DHs very trained denial about his pink elephant of a mother and he admitted finally that what she did was horribly wrong. Took that much to break through the denial about her, denial they used growing up to survive having this woman as their mother.
Now our family is left to try and survive her......
I am probably way out in left field here, but to me this is not about your MIL or you daughter's birthday. This is about DH. Nice to "get away from the nursery" but look closer. You couldn't, you were a "walking nursery" with a 2.5 year old to cope with as well; you were at the end of your pregnancy and needing support. How could he go to his mother's summer place and break contact with you? Why did he put someone in charge of staying connected with you who was unreliable and cruel? Why wasn't he carrying a cell phone? And why didn't he check in regularly? Why would a man watch someone, ANYONE, torture his wife, stand by and do nothing and think it was funny? How has being raised by her affected him? What kind of values has he brought to the marriage from that distortion? It's counseling time...to my way of thinking...not checking a list of invitations to a birthday party,time...IMHO
I agree with Luise and I back you up honey 100%. Her behavior was childish and cruel and I would keep my back to the wall and my kids away from her. If this was teasing it was incredibly cruel and sounds like your hubby stood there and let it happen. :o I am a MIL and I can't even imagine somneone doing this to my DIL and the mother of my grandchildren. If your husband grew up thinkinig this was acceptible behavior keep a careful eye on him too.
Dear GWN,
This is really troubling! I'm sorry you went though this and agree with Luise and TMB.
What was your DH thinking? what was your MIL thinking? This seems to me to beyond
cruel, more like punishing. so sorry GWN.
Couples Counseling yes but please do a little research and find someone good. As a counselor myself , I can say that many of us are primarily trained in individual work vs family and couples.
We are here for you GWN
This incident actually happened 3.5 years ago and I whole heartedly agree with all of you, and what you suggest is actually exactly what happened.
In the counselling sessions our counsellor told DH straight up that most women would have left him after that, then infront of him she asked me why I am still with him after that happened? She explained to DH what a strong message to any spouse that would be that they are a team and that the spouse is an outsider and that it is them against her.
After alot of counselling, DH finally admitted, FINALLY, that what MIL did was wrong and MIL FINALLY reaped consequences for her behavior.
We stopped having her here for get togethers, stopped going over there to visit them. MIL has not been invited to any of our childrens birthdays since.
We worked hard to mend the damage to our marriage and by the time our third child came, MIL was not welcome to the hospital, MIL still maintains to this day that she did no wrong and as she keeps saying over and over and over again, and I quote
"I would appologize but I have done no wrong"
I remember this incident now any time my childrens birthdays come and MILs enablers, the ones that are left which include BIL, SIL and FIL expect that MIL should be invited to the birthday celebrations, as if it is her entitlement no matter how she behaves because of her status of DHs mother. To be fair to BIL and SIL though and FIL probably even doesn't know about this instance, they don't know what MIL did and why she is not welcome, they push believing what MIL is telling them and what MIL is telling them is:
That she is victimized by ME........(in me not wanting her there- she leaves out WHY that would be)
It just helps to share the story, there are so many horrid things she has done to us, I have a whole blog page full of documentation, each one a separate horrible thing she has done. I have that for documentation should I ever need it one day but it is on a blog page so that it is out there and off my computer.
Some of the stories still hurt though and that one is one of the big ones......
I was hoping the wise women here could help me put it to rest once and for all :)
Hi!! What MIL did was not funny at all. As a matter of fact it was quite sick in my opinion. If she has to come to family functions--fine--however I would never trust her again no matter what. Watch her when she is around the children, and simply have very little contact with her from here on end. She must know that what she did was NOT funny. Draw your line and do not let her ever step over it again. Peace...
Hi again! There is a book called "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud/John Townsend if you do not have this please do pick up a copy. I just received mine in the mail yesterday and am anxious to begin reading. You need to set boundaries with you MIL and the sooner the better--for your sake... HUGS, Faith
What BIL, SIL, and FIL expect of you in your relationships with people who do not treat you or your children well does.not.matter.
What your DH expects of you does matter. He is your partner. The others are not your partner and never vowed to be. Do you see the difference?
Can an internal awareness of that difference help you?
I agree that guest lists are literally the least of your concerns. But I understand sometimes they can symbolize something for you, of what you are and are not willing to participate in for your own life. Do you and your partner have a plan for how you'll respond if one of the enablers try to sneak MIL in (since that is what you fear). My MIL was not invited to my wedding. Our plan was to hire off duty police officers to serve as security at the event, and provide them with photographs of her. Some of my close friends also remained on alert. When MIL showed up in black and on the arm of one of DH's ex-GFs, she was immediately escorted out. Her ability to make a scene at our expense was secerely limited. Neither he or I ever saw her, and she despite her intentions to make a statement, she did not spoil our day. We knew what to expect from her and we made sure it was planned how to handle it.
I would hope a child's birthday does not need hired security. But, it sounds like you know exactly what to expect. So, plan for it. With your partner. Control the environment (i.e., do not hold your DD's party in someone else's home). Knowing what you do now, Not making efforts to protect your sanctity, is the same as issuing MIL an engraved inviatation. If you have do a partner who suuports your stance not to have DD's party crashed by someone who wishes your daughter and her mother (you) , then rest assured she will not be allowed to crash into your lives, at least via this private party. If your DH does not support your stance, then it appears BIL, SIL, and FIL are not the relevant enabler-types who expect her to be entitled to attend. They, and MIL herself, are irrelevant to your issue. If your partner wants MIL to attend, understand and accept that is because of troubles in your relationship with HIM, that is the ONLY cause for MIL being allowed to attend where she was not invited.
I hope with counseling that DH did not only finally see how his mother that was wrong that day years ago, but most importantly just how wrong HE was that day.
GWN-
That is horrible! I am so sorry that happened to you. I am curious to know why DH never told his father or sibs what MIL did? Keep your chin up!
I am beginning to see the difference between enabling and the family members not being enablers but just as bad as she is.
I tend to overfocus on MIL because she is the root of the problem, she is the one for instance going to BIL, going to DH claiming to be victim of me, not telling the whole story of what really happened, but I finally understand that if the others go along with her they are not enabling her they are instead just as bad, they are co-conspirators.
If I have this right, enabling would be more like when MIL employs the Karpmans Drama triangle, the one where there is the victim, rescuer, prosecutor and MIL makes herself the victim in order to gain the attention of the rescuer. The persons actions of filling the role of rescuer is the enabling activity because they are participating in keeping this dysfunction going.
But to actually do stuff on MILs behalf, act on her behalf...that is being just as bad and more points to the fact that those people are dysfunctional too, including my DH.
I think when things happen like that I almost scapegoat MIL, it is not that she is not part of it or responsible, but I tend to take everyone elses responsibility in the situation and absolve them of responsibility and give it all to MIL, that only intensifies my revolsion of her and it takes away the responsibility of the others that participated. It might help me deny problems in my marriage, perhaps they are too painful to see, but they don't solve the actual problem do they?
I do see what I am doing, finally.........
My DH in all this was actually telling me that he was responsible for what happened too, that he should not have been there to begin with, he worked over the years to ensure that he never did that to me again and never has, he was truly sorry...but I took that as him defending MIL and got upset. Taking the blame on behalf of MIL, but I see now that I was the one not thinking clearly.
I think sometimes I am too absorbed in MIL to see the real issue.
But I still don't want her there, she still only comes with her bagfull of tricks that she pulls one after the other and I find myself unable to enjoy the birthday because I am too busy being in protection mode. She doesn't come and interact she more comes to feed, on any ounce of attention that she can get.
I don't want to be unfair to anyone, including MIL, but she scares me. She has Ficticious disorder on top of her NPD and we caught her one summer doing the Munchausen by Proxy to our daughter. MIL diagnosed our daughter with constipation even though my daughter went at least twice that day. MILs criteria was that that DD did not go at the exact same time she did in the morning (when we were staying at her summer home years ago).
I caught MIL trying to sneak my DD a herbal concauction that she made up to cure my DD of the constipation that MIL diagnosed her of. She was whispering "hurry up, take this..before your parents get up"
MIL has also tried to feed my DD raw potatoes to remedy her apparent constipation. Raw potatoes relieve constipation because they are toxic, the toxicity of them leads to diahrea...but also leads to heart failure, kidney failure, ect down the road...because they are toxic...
MILs lack of boundaries means that she doesn't even ask us if this okay, just decides on her own to remedy our children when it is not her place to do so.
This is what scares me the most about MIL to be honest and I fear for my children. Louis is right when she talks about the effect on my DH from being raised by a woman like MIL, I see that too if I were completely honest and I don't want my children similarly damaged by her.
The childrens party is today, lets see if MIL crashes it....it is at an outside venue, a childrens play area that they love so much. A couple years ago, MIL did crash it and tried to occupy one of the childrens seats at the kids table because it pushed a button to be sitting beside my DD. We had to tell her that the seats at the table are only for the kids. MIL reluctantly gave up her seat for one of the 3.5 year old guests who was not able to sit down since she wrestled him for his chair and all. MIL truly is a case of arrested development, she really is, in every sense of the word.
We cancelled the family one, DH and I instead of fighting took 3 days to calm down and then honestly communicated about it. We agreed to not have the family party and just do the childrens one as we agreed to initially anyhow.
I talked to him about how MIL causes me so much anxiety that it is like an obsessive compulsive sort of reaction that I have to this anxiety, we talked about me getting counselling to deal with how I do that, to lessen that. Not that we are saying that MIL is innocent, but why does she get to me so much?
Sassy-along the lines of DH is my spouse, the others are not boundary.
This is true and why MILs behavior just doesn't matter, what matters is DH and I and how WE communicate in our marriage and how WE protect each other and our marriage.
It was the other family members that try and sneak MIL is for exposure and their behavior also doesn't matter, all that matters is that we set our boundaries when they try.
I have not cut off MIL but have limited contact, I can handle three exposures a year. Three is perfect because that amount does not cause too many issues for us and produces just enough discomfort to encourage me to keep working on myself, on the issue of why I let her get to me, how I get enmeshed in it. But more then that is overload for me.
My three exposures are Christmas, and the birthdays of our neices. I chose the birthdays because they tend to come with buffers that are SILs family, SILs family being there means that MIL will be relatively well behaved as long as they around because MIL wears her Narcissistic mask when they are around, her Narcissistic facade is that of godly saint. The Narcissistic facades are always the direct opposite of who the person really is.
People like BIL and FIL notice the pattern, they see the underlying theme of "only family traditions" thus they try and gain MIL more exposure then what I can handle ( the three a year) by increasing the number of "family traditions". In this family all it takes is once and it is a tradition and once it is a tradition they consider it set in stone.
For the last few years, they have tried to make family traditions out of BILs birthday, and FILs birthday too and MIL and FILs wedding anniversary. We set our boundaries. So they seem to re-group, it is like they say "ah ha....it is kids birthdays that work" .
This year, BIL phoned us on DDs birthday and asked what the plans are and when we said there is a kids birthday only, he directly asked if they could come and celebrate in a separate celebration to take place in our home, only intending to extend "they" to mean including MIL ( I would find this out later, after all has been agreed to, a day or two only before it is suppose to happen). Once I saw what happened I started to panic, started to deal with the anxiety of the thought of her created.
So I learned this year not to set up ANYTHING with any of the extended family, it is only meant to sneak in MIL, grant her more exposures, it is how they challenge boundaries, instead of respect them. MIL is at the heart (she is the pink elephant they dance around) but BIL came up with the plan and employed it without even doing research and askng why it is that we don't invite MIL.
In the past when BIL tried, MIL actually had 2 separate hour long crying fit tantrums on the phone. After the second tantrum, BIL gave her exactly what she wanted. He just can't seem to say no to her.
Sometimes it spills over into BIL doing things that effect us, that MIL wants him to do, but him not being able to say no to her is the issue really. I see that it is not enabling but a weakness in BIL.
I am getting this.....slowly
Ladies, PLEASE forgive me when I say I am so Happy I no longer have a MIL!!!!!!!!!! :) :D ;D
OHHHHH she was a nasty one "The Dysfunctional Queen" at her best all the time. She would actually call when X and I were married and if I answered she would hang up....X would say to me, "who was that" and I would reply, "your mother." When x and I divorsed she called me and I simply said to her, "you and I have nothing more to say to one another this hell of a nightmare is over, if you want to talk to your GC's wonderful, but you and I have nothing more to say." And I hung up on her and have not said one word to her in 21 years and I have NO regrets with that what so ever.....
So in my Heart I do understand all that you are going thru and I shake my head in awe as i read everything. But, I do promise you~~someday, you will have your day...to shake off all the dust and to rise above their evilness......One piece of advise I can give is "The sooner you put them in their place~the better off YOU will be and feel. Something I should have done to mine moons ago, but I did not for it was not the right thing to do (you respected your elders--no matter what!) WRONG~~~then you become a "door mat." >:( YOU DIL's are all wonderful women whom should be treated with respect, you are all in my prayers along with (((HUGS)))) galore...
Just remember who you are-----SPECIAL!!!!!!!
Faith xoxoxo
Faithlooksup-I don't consider that I ever had a MIL, or that DH ever had a mother or that my kids ever had a grandmother, she is just too self centered to function in these rolls. I think part of it is a mourning for a person that never really existed to begin with. I would give my eye teeth for a decent MIL, a decent grandmother for my kids, the person that MIL just can't be.
Quote from: GreatWhiteNorth on December 06, 2010, 03:00:18 AM
I would give my eye teeth for a decent MIL, a decent grandmother for my kids, the person that MIL just can't be.
[Stage directions. Elderly woman jumps up and down with her hand up.]Choose me! Choose me!
Here's the thing - I feel as if I AM a good MIL already and will be a non-buttinsky style GM, but I have already gotten "the speech" about how DIL's FOO will not only be the primary GM influence but possibly the only GM influence in future GC lives because DIL prefers her FOO & doesn't like us (no particular reason given, she just doesn't like us.) DS may prefer his FOO, but apparently he doesn't get a vote.
DH & I don't do any of the horrid stuff we hear about here - rarely call, text or email (usually let them initiate) and never ever ever drop in. We check before buying gifts to make sure we're on track, we don't force holiday or other visits, we always take the backseat (literally sometimes!) regarding holiday schedules, etc. We've never given advice or made comments to either of them regarding DIL or her FOO, DS, or the marriage. We pitched in appropriately on the wedding and peripherals, helped them get on their feet financially w/o expecting a thing in return. We've accepted DIL, her FOO, her culture of origin (COO?) and are thrilled that DS found his love and is happy.
Perhaps if things keep improving between DIL and us as they have been (yay!) the GP issues will be thought out more fairly, but I'm not hoping or expecting, just wondering.
Quote from: GreatWhiteNorth on December 06, 2010, 03:00:18 AM
Faithlooksup-I don't consider that I ever had a MIL, or that DH ever had a mother or that my kids ever had a grandmother, she is just too self centered to function in these rolls. I think part of it is a mourning for a person that never really existed to begin with. I would give my eye teeth for a decent MIL, a decent grandmother for my kids, the person that MIL just can't be.
Greatwhitenorth.
I dont know if you have ever attempted to explain to SIL,BIL etc what your MIL did when you wanted DH home because you were in labour.
I have never attempted to defend myself to my BIL's etc--MIL is long gone-- because Why? I dont know maybe it is a sense of loyalty or perhaps I think they would not hear me anyway.
NOW HEAR THIS-- At the next opportunity you get tell your SIL or whoever this story about a friend who's MIL attempted to prevent DH from going to attend to his wife in labour and hear,see the reaction then drop the bombshell of who you are talking about.
This will give you the opportunity to be heard before one of them swiches off---you know "old bitter DIL going on"
Believe me if anything could have caused me to divorce my husband it would have been because of MIL.
Unfortunately MIL's like this do not realize what distress they cause their sons when they behave like this. "Selfish love" and it almost always comes from the husband's mothers side.
I still distrust my husband in many ways because of loyalty to MIL by not giving me the moral support when I needed it. Some things I will never forget.
Fortunately he did eventually see the light but sometimes too much water goes under a bridge.
If he dares to support anyone against me he knows he will suffer dire consequenses which is not good either and most of it is because of the memories MIL left behind.
These women do not deserve any respect whatsoever.
I dont think my MIL ever had a word of praise or encouragement for me. She oppressed me to a point that I no longer knew who I was.
She was the total opposite to my own mother who always encouraged and she lived far away and so did the rest of my family so I had no backup whatsoever.
I will credit the "Old duck" with one thing. It taught me how not to be a MIL from hell
Seasage- I would take you up on that in a heartbeat.
Catching up-
I have actually thought of the effect of MILs passing when it eventually happens. I wonder if that time will mark it being too late for my husband to really step up to the plate, if I will have resentment towards him that he could only stop from happening during MILs lifetime, in terms of setting appropriate boundaries, etc.
I do find the stories of what it is like once MILs like mine do pass away.
I kind of hope for MIL that she uses the rest of her time wisely, that she makes her heart right with God, that she turns a new leaf and saves herself from where she might be going for eternity. I have no idea where she is going, Maybe God will have alot of empathy due to mental disease, but what if all MIL is is a Malignant Narcissist?
But MIL also has not even come close to even admitting that she is even a little out of line, so I don't see a lot of hope for her. Then I wonder when God says enough of the torment that we go through due to her existance.
It is not my call of course when it is her time, but these are questions that plague me about this situation. God has his plan, all I can do is trust that.
It is definitely a "selfish love" that comes from MIL.
MIL is essentially a thief, she has ample resources, 20 X more financially then we ever will, yet instead of using her resources to live, she wants to keep hers and use ours. She truly is so boundaryless that she believes that what is my DHs(her son) is hers, but it does not work the other way at all.
MIL has a cottage a beautiful cottage, MIL acts like it is all of theirs but only when it comes to the upkeep, so if MIL wants a new roof, she approaches her sons as if it is their responsibility (as if they all own it or something)but it is not shared in terms of who can use it. MIL is the only one that can use it. We can go, but she is always there and going when she is there means shenanigans being pulled right, left and center, making it hard to enjoy the time and MIL thinks that DH is there just to be her manservant thus the whole time is spent him doing jobs for her....we (his wife and kids) end up bored while he works for her.
That is what bothers me the most about her, she is thief, she has more then enough resources, but she wants to save hers and use ours, tapping out our family, basically being a parasite. I don't like the enmeshment of all that, don't want to behave like her cottage is ours at all, just making a point of how it works in her mind and how it only benefits her.
Do you know that when I met my DH and we were marrying, MIL actually warned my fiancee at the time to not allow me to put his name on my house (after the wedding) she warned him that if he lets me do that, I might expect him to contribute to it, as if this meant I was a gold digger. Yet she expected him to buy her groceries for her everyweek, fund all her renovations and put X amount of his pay into her account for her to spend.
She was warning him, acting like she was his dependent wife and I was no more then an imposter on their resources.
So backwards.....
Is that sick or what? :o
It seems to me your MIL wants to make you pay for what you may inherit one day.
I would say move as far away as possible if that is possible.
My MIL was a sergeant major in WW2 and when I married her son she was under the delusion that I joined her regiment.
She used to walk into our home like a sergeant major and I am not exaggerating. She marched like a sergeant major.
When we first moved into our home she brought a tree to plant--nothing wrong with that--but I bought some plants for the garden and asked hubby to help me plant something he refused yet he would do it if his mother told him.
I once uprooted a tree she and he had planted I was so mad.
I could see he did not want me to have any say in the garden. I am sure now that she put him up to it.
I would be here forever if I had to continue.
What MIL has the right to choose A Dil curtains and be allowed to do so by her son?
When she disapproved of something she had a way of raising her eyebrows to her sons and they would just conform.
When their Father entered the room they had to stand up say "Good evening sir" She did not grow beyond the war
She raised her eyebrows at me once in a restaurant at one of my childrens birthday parties because they were making too much noise (Talking all at once)
I got up and went over to the kids table (About 20 of them) and got them to sing "Why are we waiting" She was furious. HeeHee :o ;D
Oh, that's rich! ;)
Wow catchingup, your MIL sounds like she was very hard to get along with. Yikes.
Hi GWN
yanno, no one can second guess why people do things, especially a mind like your mother in law's. It is very sad that she not only did this to you, but that your husband will not validate your feelings...in other words, all this spent anger you have for her, is also probably eating away at you, b/c your DH refuses to admit to you, that this was unacceptable behavior on her part, she was absolutely wrong and console you during this difficult time...
You said, he finally admitted she was wrong at the counselors, however, it's not enough...he needs to grow up and realize, that what has happened is almost unforgivable....and should certainly understand your sentiments about this issue.
My thoughts are with you....I would suggest, you continue conseling with him so that he understands, the seriousness of this situation. People like you mil should never be parents.
Hugs
Creme
Quote from: catchingup on December 07, 2010, 02:27:53 PM
It seems to me your MIL wants to make you pay for what you may inherit one day.
I would say move as far away as possible if that is possible.
My MIL was a sergeant major in WW2 and when I married her son she was under the delusion that I joined her regiment.
She used to walk into our home like a sergeant major and I am not exaggerating. She marched like a sergeant major.
When we first moved into our home she brought a tree to plant--nothing wrong with that--but I bought some plants for the garden and asked hubby to help me plant something he refused yet he would do it if his mother told him.
I once uprooted a tree she and he had planted I was so mad.
I could see he did not want me to have any say in the garden. I am sure now that she put him up to it.
I would be here forever if I had to continue.
What MIL has the right to choose A Dil curtains and be allowed to do so by her son?
When she disapproved of something she had a way of raising her eyebrows to her sons and they would just conform.
When their Father entered the room they had to stand up say "Good evening sir" She did not grow beyond the war
She raised her eyebrows at me once in a restaurant at one of my childrens birthday parties because they were making too much noise (Talking all at once)
I got up and went over to the kids table (About 20 of them) and got them to sing "Why are we waiting" She was furious. HeeHee :o ;D
Catching Up, I know this woman was difficult for you to deal with so please forgive me for saying she would make a great character in a movie. I have a vivid picture of her in my mind from your wonderful descriptions. I'm glad you've survived; now go make something out of your experience! Best Screenplay, 2013? Which actress should play her?
Quote from: luise.volta on December 07, 2010, 12:22:43 PM
Is that sick or what? :o
Yes!
GWN, I once married into a very, very wealthy family too. I was treated like an outsider, a moron, a gold digger, a servant, you name it. XDH wasn't going to walk away from the loot so I walked (taking nothing of material value with me, BTW, so obviously I wasn't in it for the cash.) Life w/o all the big money hasn't been easy, but I'm much happier now.
I'm not saying my solution should be your solution; we didn't have children so it was easier to leave it all and not look back. As you say, you'll be tied to this family forever because of the kids and if you're not with your DH you'll be less able to monitor your MIL's shenanigans. I guess I'm saying I understand your predicament. Best wishes to you.
The reason I posted here about my unexpected and off the wall inheritance is because I think that's what they are. Unpredictable. People and circumstances shift around like the desert sands. To pattern ones life on the expectation that they won't do that, can be self-abuse. Sending love...
Yeah, we quit expecting an inheritance a long time ago, even when DF insisted we were in the will. We expect nothing. I'm sure we won't be disappointed, LOL.
Hey Creme- I have come realize something about the situation. Narcissists are self absorbed, it is not always that they want to hurt you, they actually couldn't care less, it is more that they are so self serving that only they matter, even at the expense of others. She was probably only thinking of herself that day and all excited thinking she was about to get her sonny do list completer back and finally she can get the island and dishwasher he was suppose to buy and install for her. That is probably why MIL doesn't even think she is even ever a little out of line, even though her behavior is so horrendous. She is the center of the Universe in her world, the rest of us just don't matter.
Pen- I would walk in a heart beat if it were not for the kids, this is so not worth it.
Luise- As always you make another amazingly valid point, you have a way of responding that really does help put the situation to rest, thank you for that.
Unexpected is right, I bet my DH never thought in his whole life about how things would change with her once he got married, how she would react. She definitely has been promising it to him and his brother all their lives.
Things can change again, you are so right....it is not even worth thinking about, I get that now. One of those nothing that is in my control situations.
I just wanted to add what else has transpired in this situation.
I was watching the movie Mrs. Miracle and in the movie there is a young lady who does not forgive her sister and she ends up punishing herself by not forgiving. The reconciled in the end and were very happy they did, their lives were more complete in letting go of the anger and forgiving.
My DH and I spoke about this later and he feels that the situation between MIL and I is similar to the lady and her sister in the movie. But I disagree. But it never ceases to amaze me the way they find to defend their pink elephant family member, they are well trained.
The ladies sister was actually sorry for the one thing she did four years ago that hurt her sister. With MIL is not an event that I am holding onto, it is a pattern of behavior that is so predominant that it is who she is. Also MIL is not sorry, she does not even think she is even a little out of line and MIL fights to be this way, she once wrote in an email that she is going to continue her horrendous behavior and she does not care if others do not like it.
That is a huge difference to me. MIL is not asking for forgiveness, she is asking that I pretend with FIL that she did nothing wrong and give her a carte blanche. (or be like BIL and SIL and don't ask what she did- just go full tilt on the assumption that she does no wrong). It is not that she misses anyones, she is likely just bored. I don't even giver her a chance to pull her shenanigans because I have very limited contact with her, so that leaves her with nothing else to do but fight with FIL.
Then he gives me this gem....
That we are hurting our family by not having her here............
Wow, is he serious, so not having a woman that performs shenanigan after shenanigan all for negative attention because without this she does not know that she exists, not having a glorified child abuser around our children...this hurts us? I literally can't enjoy my own childs birthday party because this woman is present because she just doesn't stop, she is feeding not interacting and I am constantly having to ensure she is not hurting the kids in some way. Constantly making sure that I don't give her any attention for her antics. Oh and lets not forget she has a fiasco planned for each and every grandchilds birthday, I can count on these. She can't stand the attention being on the grandchild and not on her.
He doesn't get that withdrawing does not hurt us, having her around does.
Does he not see how much we get along when she is not around? has he not noticed all the trouble she has caused for us over the years?
So that was the latest of the situation. I never did end up having her here, and I did find out what weapon she is using now to try and get her fingers back in the door. She is using her sons relationship, using DHs brother to push on her behalf and then issuing the threat of "if he does not do what his brother wants then he will loose his relationship with him"
This woman must have a PHD in Emotional Blackmail....I could post some more doozies
Like I have always said, MIL is unhinged and it truly has nothing to do with her being a MIL, like the Billy Joel song says, " I didn't start the fire...it was always burning" It was burning way before she ever became a MIL.
I have found that wherever I told MIL to her face what I thought of her behaviour is where I let go of that hurt.
I think this is what you need to do.
Christians will say it is not an "eye for an eye" but there is no black and white not even in the bible
Take a look at 2 verses in proverbs that seem to contradict one another and are quoted after each other
"Treat not a fool according to his folly lest you become like him"
"Treat a fool according to his folly lest he become wise in his own eyes"
One sometimes needs to treat people in the same way to let them know what it feels like.
You know the old saying"Two can play at your game"
I realize that depending on someone else like DH to defend me was "Pie in the sky"
If someone throws a snake at you hoping it will bite you,throw it back. It is a way of freeing oneself of the object of resentment that eats away at one. :o
I like the saying, "I'm outta here!" (I know, I know not mature...but remember I'm just a kid.)
Catching up- that is so interesting about those verses, I tend to follow the first one the most.
MIL had declared war a long time ago. When MIL launches an attack, what she does is she tries to pick a fight, typically by a whole string of shenanigans that are meant to push buttons. If the person gets upset with her, she plays victim and she gains attention.
I have decided that I want peace and am unwilling to fight with her and since MIL never comes without launching any attacks the best way to keep peace is to just withdraw, not have her here to launch her attacks to begin with. MIL is frustrated that I won't fight with her.
When she has pulled her shenanigans in the past, I have just walked away and MIL will grandstand at this point, all about "what did I do?" she is trying to gain the attention even when I walk away. So it frustrates her to no end when I just don't have her here as my way of getting peace from the situation.
What DH does not realize is that I am not looking to fight with her or be mean to her, I am actually just withdrawing from the conflict as I don't want to participate in it and when he tries to have her over here, he doesn't realize the position he puts me in.
This is not a new trick of MILs, she pulled this one on FIL for years. FIL would be talking about blueberries and how they taste and MIL would answer "oh why, oh why must you berate me" then she would sulk her head and people would say "ah poor mom". The problem is that FIL has a thick accent so he is hard to understand so it would be easy to mislead people.
The one time I watched MIL burn his food all week (we were staying at the summer place years and years ago), then on the weekend when the others guests come that she wants to protray victim to, after a whole week of burnt dinners FIL states "ah....you will probably burn it again" but this time since her guests are there, she chooses not to burn it. She takes out the unburnt food and sulks as if Nothing, nothing she ever does is good enough and they say "ah....poor mom" and MIL has effectively demonized her husband and played victim and received all kinds of attention.....but they don't see how she set him up all week.
These are the games that this woman plays....on a constant and continuous basis. There has never been even once that she has not come over with games like this.
Should be interesting to see what she pulls at Christmas, one of my three exposures in a year time fram to her...the one without the buffers of SILs family. Wish me luck :)
Good luck...may you find a way to keep smiling through it all. Do not let her ruin your day!
About that movie Pen.
A little Hitler would portray her exactly.
Greatwhitenorth---Keeping quiet to keep the peace is exactly what you will later regret.
Dang it! Orly's devil has just come for a visit to me again and told me to tell you GWN, "I have thought of a great Christmas present for your MIL. Go to the children's toy section and get a Snow White magic mirror......ha ha ha ha"
Orly! Come get him!
Rather buy a recorder or use a cell phone to record her when she goes off on one of her tantrums then give it to her as a present. ;D ::)
I am a MIL and this is horrible and I can't even image acting like this to my DIL. End of story.
I would reconsider whether I wanted any of DH's family at the birthday party.
Why not have a kids party for the child's friends ... and not the family?
If the rest of MIL's family can not be trusted, then don't invite them.
cd-1029-
This is exactly where I am at. I stopped having family birthday parties in May of 2008 due to MILs behavior at them. It was easier just to focus on the child part, that is the part the child enjoys most anyhow. These are at an outside venue with boundaries around them as to time and there are lots of people there to witness MILs behavior should she show up and attempt to crash it.
The first year MIL actually crashed it, she showed up and tried to wrestle the one 3.5 year old for his seat at the kids table. We literally had to tell MIL that those seats were for the children.
The mistake was that I invited BIL and SIL to this since their cousins are kids, I figured they could come to the kids party, they are kids. But see how this gets snowballed into their dance around the pink elephant of the family?
I have to remember that they are a dysfunctional family unit, that when too much focus is on the pink elephant that this unit dances around, I miss the effects of the dysfunctional family unit.
I have learned to never ever invite ANY of this dysfunctional unit this year and I will not that mistake again. All I am learning is that they are so enmeshed that any positive will extended to any of them is also expected to extend to MIL.
I am going to do this childs party early next year so that when they call and invite themselves like they did this year then the party is already completed. There is nothing to crash.
I have noticed that my DDs birthday is the one that is most suseptible to this behavior, I think it is because it is so close to Christmas and Christmas is a time that MIL ramps up big time. I need to do the party early, take it out of the Christmas window, do it before rememberance day.
It is very frowned upon here to start to celebrate Christmas before Rememberance day, so if I do it the beginning of November we should all be free and clear of the holiday effect.
Sending love...