Chickie asked me a question that brought up some painful memories for me and I struggled to answer this one simple question. I realized that my association with "having money" was attached to a relationship that was very one-sided. I lost my composure and couldn't answer. I'm in my thinking corner Chickie.
So many people associate happiness and success with money. I have thought of a few wonderful things that "being without money" has taught me. These are some:
I've learned that Christmas is still Christmas, and sometimes it is better than I remember. I've noticed that when we all understand there will be no money related gifts, we have relaxed more and enjoyed the moment. I've felt that we had a better understanding of the "ideal" of sharing Christmas with eachother and truly giving what's in our hearts. This can't be measured or paid for. It's free, but is most likely the best gift I've ever received - "knowing I am loved."
I've learned that living in an expensive castle, doesn't always measure success. I've seen some very poor people who I feel have more wealth in their family (love and compassion shared), than some of the wealthiest people I've met. Chickie noticed that at a friends funeral she went to, and commented in one of her posts. And yes, Chickie – I agree wholeheartedly! This is success – the kind you CAN take with you and leave behind as well. What a wonderful post you wrote there!
I have had to learn to receive, rather than feel I should be "giving" all the time. Receiving is a gift too, and if done well can leave the giver with a sense of accomplishment and love in their hearts. Acceptance is something often wanted by the giver of gifts. Receiving help well is a gift to the giver. One is no more important than the other. You are both giving something. Never let pride get in your way...
I hope this starts some of you thinking, and adding things. I don't believe I'm the only one who has learned things and would like to hear what some of you have learned as well. Most of us have been in this place and sometimes I believe I was put into this position to learn some lessons I might never have thought without the experience. Things I wouldn't have known in that big house on the beach.
Anyway, thank you for reading. I hope you think of some things to put in here as well...
Wow...I've been avoiding thinking about this topic, because it takes me to some very negative places lately. DIL & family are totally about money and judge us because we're not. Suddenly I'm back in junior high being teased and not fitting in with the spoiled girls "in the 'hood." (DS cracks up when I call it that - we had famous, off-the-charts wealthy neighbors.) When DIL & fam treat us like scum I start to question my life and put myself down for not being successful.
We live in a non-profit, retirement center where there is low-income housing as well as some very large and expensive units. Some residents drive old cars and some have very costly, new ones...etc. What I have learned is that we all socialize at the same gatherings and we all volunteer together. You actually can't tell the rich from the poor. Everyone is respected and we are all equals; millionaires and those living on minimum Social Security. To find that money isn't the measuring stick has been wonderful! ;D
I think many times we point out that money can buy many things but not love. I think that is absolutely correct. I come from an educated but simple background. As a college professor I will never make a lot of money but I am fine with it and no one in my family or immediate circle looks down on me for that. My future in laws are ALL about having money and continually point out to my FH that I will not earn much because of my career choices. That's all they care about. I have even heard my FMIL tell me and her own son - "satisfaction in your job doesn't mean anything, only money". They all dump on FH for wanting to go into academics instead of using his medical degree to just churn out a lot of money. I think he's worth more than the dollar amount he can earn... As long as we are both happy, we will have enough - I'm not going to force him to work a job that he hates just for the money. I wish more people understood that kind of thing.
From watching members of this family, what I've also learned, is that money can buy a lot of things but in addition to love, it cannot buy you class. Some of the tackiest, worst behaved people I have ever met were some of the most privileged and financially wealthy - but I would not want to be them for all the money in the world!
I/ - Well, said. I read someplace that the "spendable income" or net income is often the same with the high rollers as it is with those earning much less. The reason given is that most of those with lots coming in often tend to create higher overhead and have lots going out. Deficit spending and high interest rates can complicate if further. Good for you and your guy for not buying into other people's values.
I never could see the "why" of measuring success by the size of someone's wallet, what kind of brand name people choose to wear, or the size of the house they choose to live in. If someone is a supportive friend, is there for their family, treats animals well and is in general a human being to others...then being successful with all the bells and whistles is icing on their cake. More power to them.
The quest for JUST the money and trappings without a moral base to support it leaves those poor people on a continuing mission to find that something they know is missing in their lives. THOSE are the ones that don't even waste the time to scrape you off their shoes, as they stomp over one, looking for that rainbow gold. They miss that jackpot of good friendships and loving relationships that are right there under their noses. Just don't get it, never will.
I think alot of people see "money" as power, when all you really have to do is love - it's more powerful than anything. Luise made a statement in response to Creme's post on "wHAT HAVE I LEARNED" that parallel's my feelings on this. I don't remember her exact words and you can go to that post to see it/can't remember the number in her post, but she said something that hit home to me here too!
You can show love to someone by just listening and trying to understand. That meaning is timeless for most of us. We all "want" to be understood. Isn't that why we're here?
People who don't worship the God of Money are never going to "get it."
We have a close relative that is a multimillionaire who comes to take us to lunch at Burger King and uses a coupon. I kid you not.
well, that must be one way he/she got to be a multimillionaire, Luise 8)
Yup! They live in a mansion and go to Europe twice a year...bike and ski. It's just a matter of priorities! ;D
Yes, those were some of my priorities 8) Never made it.
That's probably true for a lot of people but I can't picture you being stingy! ???
That's the problem with me, Luise...I was too generous. Never been stingy.
Shame on you/us!! :-[
Oh yes, Luise, anything for my boys.
That's what I thought. 8)
You are correct, Ma'am! 8)
Quote from: Anna on February 10, 2010, 06:40:07 AM
That's hard Coco. My dil places a lot on money. Hubby & I have given so much money, too much. We just don't have as much to give anymore. Hubby's pay went way down, & we have to look to the future, start thinking about retirement. You know there are so many things that don't require money. Like sitting in my backyard, early in the morning, enjoying my first cup of coffee. Listening to the birds singing, seeing the squirrels, rabbits, & sometimes even the neighbourhood skunk, hearing the neighbours waking, car doors slamming, & loud, boisterous voices as families load up & head out on day trips. All of these things are free. I just love early summer mornings. Its so quiet & peaceful, even with the neighbours chatting, some singing as the do their gardening, yelling at their pets to get out of the garden LOL. I just love those times.
Anna, I certainly understand not having the money you used to have. I sat my children down about a year and a half ago and explained my situation to all of them (they kept coming to me for money also). I had to tell them that it was time for them to stay within their own budgets, because mine had been emptied. I've also warned them that my inheritance (some day) is something I will not be able to hand out. It will pay for a roof over my head and I can't give it away. They have been fine. There have been a few problems since, but I gave them understanding and suggestions. One suggestion was to start a savings stricktly for an emergency (The borrow from mom account). So far I haven't heard anything. "Silence is golden..."
By the way, I love sitting outside in warmer weather too! It's a little piece of heaven! But I'm the neighbor who is chasing the dog out of the garden while I'm doing that too! Oops, sorry if we disturbed you! LOL! When we leave here, what do you think you will remember the most? The new expensive car, or sitting on the patio in the summer?
Quote from: penstamen on February 10, 2010, 08:10:22 AM
Wow...I've been avoiding thinking about this topic, because it takes me to some very negative places lately. DIL & family are totally about money and judge us because we're not. Suddenly I'm back in junior high being teased and not fitting in with the spoiled girls "in the 'hood." (DS cracks up when I call it that - we had famous, off-the-charts wealthy neighbors.) When DIL & fam treat us like scum I start to question my life and put myself down for not being successful.
Penstamen, I understand how you can start questioning your life for not being successful with money. Like Luise stated, your priorities are not that of a millionaire - you don't eat at Burger-King and if you did, probably wouldn't have gone to the trouble to track down a coupon to do it.
When all is said and done, do you think your son will remember you as being unsuccessful? Or, do you think he will remember how much you loved and cared for him?
You keep loving him! You're doing the best job as a mother! Don't forget to love yourself too and forgive yourself for not being stingy! HA! Next time you feel that way, I hope you will think about Luise's "Burger King" story. Would that have been worth it? Somehow I don't see you as the kind of person who would take your friends out to "Burger King" for dinner...
Feel that? It's me hugging you!
Coco, back at ya with the {{hug}} And Anna, I love the summer morns as well - quiet, balmy, the promise of a wonderful day...those things truly are priceless. DH and I consider our ability to enjoy simple pleasures like that as part of our "success" - we get a mini-vaca every day just by coming home and walking out our back door! To DIL, where we live is hell on earth, and to be fair it is a bit more rugged than a trip to the mall :)
My DDD and I have been regifted or cheap-gifted by my dad and stepmom as well as by DIL. We always spend more on them (not difficult since they spend next to nothing, LOL), and we have much less to work with! Even more than the $$$ spent, we try to take time to buy meaningful gifts that they will enjoy for years to come. DH hates to see me hurt by their obvious put-downs, but when we're tempted to do the same we just can't. Our "golden rule" values prevent us from treating anyone that way. Perhaps it's time to cut some BK coupons :)
DS is beginning to see it. I'm not sure he understands how much I'm hurt by their treatment, but that's OK. He may think I'm above all that, and that's a good way to be seen (even if it's not true - I can aspire to that, right?)
I'm proud of you for pointing out DIL's behavior to your son. I was tempted to but was afraid I'd make it worse; he brought it up himself after a really rough go for us, thank God. We still have a long way to go, but for now I'm happy to know he knows. I hope our guys continue to 'man up.'
the one time, and I have to kinda laugh, that my DIL and son came to a family dinner, and we all laughed about this...
She didn't try to have a conversation with anyone, she absolutely acted like she was stuck to my son's hip...if he went outside for a cigerette, she went along? She refused to socialize with anyone...so after they left...my older sister looked at me and said, "Wow, she is really aloof". And then my younger sister said, yeah, the only thing that came out of her mouth was, when Creme's son asked her whose Beemer that was parked out front...and when I said it was brother in laws...she goes..."REALLY", like, she was shocked that he owned one...my family is very private and closed mouth about they're careers and money...however, my brother in law always said, he wanted a beemer all his life, and he works hard enough so, he should have it...
my mom had a lot of money, however, she didn't have brand new "things"...she worked very hard to save all her life, and my dad did well in stocks....but, to look at them, you wouldn't know it....however, they were the warmest most giving people I have ever known, you would be shocked if I told you how much money they literally gave away to neighbors, family and friends, who needed help.
What great roll models, C. My dad was a true miser and it probably saved us during the depression. But he couldn't stop. And my mom was always at the effect of it. One of my sisters was a spendthrift and the other was a miser. I'm in the middle someplace...responsible but always giving anything extra away.
When money becomes God...I think we're in deep guano.