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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Daughter in-law
« Last post by luise.volta on June 23, 2018, 09:22:53 AM »
Yes, please change your User Name unless it is not your own.

I didn't do anything like what you have done when my grandchildren were little, but I still got stuck in my own expectations and didn't realize they were mine, not my DS and DIL's. In being the best mom I could, like most moms I put myself second for so many years that I didn't see myself deserving more as a grandmother. Eventually, self-respect won and I got unstuck. Hugs and hang in there!.,
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Daughter in-law
« Last post by Stilllearning on June 22, 2018, 03:12:58 AM »
Welcome,L. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.  Also, you might want to pick a screen name that is less personal so others who come here will not know who you are.

Wow!  I really have no personal experience to give you because I have never offered to keep my grands five days a week.  I work at a daycare five days a week so that I won't miss my grands so much.  I tell people that it is like being paid to be a grandma and it is!  Maybe you could find a job like mine?  At least they appreciate me and if I am sick the daycare covers for me.  Oh, and I can get a vacation!  Sounds to me like you could use a vacation.  Have you had one of those recently?  After all they say "absence make the heart grow fonder"

Anyway the one thing that we have advocated over and over is that once our children are grown our parenting job is done.  Now I can start spending my life doing things I enjoy.  Planning trips and volunteering or working at the day care.  I am retired but I found myself depressed if I stayed at home because my DH was still working and there was no human interaction all day long.  Now I work for a few hours every morning (it is only part time) and take off when I want to (mostly).  My life improved so much when I started focusing on making myself happy instead of worrying about what I could do to make my relationship with my DS/DIL better.  Actually the relationship with my DS improved also. 

Good luck!!
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Daughter in-law
« Last post by Laurel on June 21, 2018, 08:52:33 PM »
I'm having a problem with my daughter-in-law and I don't know how to deal with it I moved from out of state to live in their state to help take care of my grandchildren to save their money on a child care I watch their children Monday through Friday sometimes I get a break when the other Grandma can do some of it I tidy the house I feed the kids I pick him up from school take him to their sport games I love my grandchildren but I will admit they are a handful they're not always nice and sweet but I love him anyway my daughter-in-law always finds fault and everything that I do and of course my son backs her up which I understand I feel their expectations of me or way too high I'm beginning to feel more like a made a servant nanny and not like a grandma I'm about ready to pack up and go back where I came from my daughter-in-law never complains about her own mother only about me which I can understand it's her mother but I know I'm not perfect but I'm here trying to help I've uprooted my whole way of life to accommodate them and now I feel I made a big mistake I don't know how to fix the problem
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Conflicted
« Last post by Frustrated Oma on June 19, 2018, 10:39:03 PM »
Point taken Stilllearning, your message has clicked.  I need to just stop trying to figure it out.  There are more ways than one to move on.  You are correct, I do need to figure out if I am there yet.  Thank you.
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Conflicted
« Last post by Stilllearning on June 19, 2018, 07:22:57 PM »
My point was (and is) that my life did not change until I stopped trying to figure things out and started living for myself.  My DS had to figure out what mattered to him  and I was just fortunate to find out that I was on the good side of that equation.  I did have to be prepared to be on the losing side before I took that plunge.  Perhaps you are not quite ready for that change.

It was quite refreshing to find myself on the sidelines......

Not my circus, not my monkeys....
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Conflicted
« Last post by Frustrated Oma on June 19, 2018, 06:58:47 PM »
Thank you Stilllearning, I am home and recovering from my hysterectomy and all is good with my health, for that I am grateful.  Naming this initial post last year "conflicted"  Seems to always comes back at just that... I did back off and lighten my expectations and my DS reopened the door to our relationship.  But the things he tells me in private conflict with his actions in public.  I  know when is with us and my DIL is present, he is cold, very quit and on edge.  When he shows up on his own, he returns to his warm funny self.  I know he is the way he is with her to appease her and not to cause a fight.  The question is, Is he the way he is when alone with us to appease us.  If that is the case, how in the world will my son ever find peace in his life? Ughh just can't seem to wrap my head around this situation as this whole thing started over something trivial....
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Conflicted
« Last post by Stilllearning on June 19, 2018, 02:30:59 AM »
Hi Frustrated.  I am so sorry that you are faced with such an untenable situation.  I felt about the same way about my DS.  I went to the hospital with chest pains and was admitted from the ER and my DS could not even come by to give my DH a ride home.  Both my DH and I were livid and we certainly let my DS know.  Things did not change for us until I finally realized that I did not even enjoy my DS's presence because he felt like visiting us was an imposition and my DIL was texting every 5 minutes about when he was coming home.  She even went so far as to set a frying pan on fire on the stove and then call him to come rushing home.  It was ridiculous!  Anyway like I said one day I stopped and asked myself why I was struggling so hard to be around someone who made me so uncomfortable and mad.  I realized that my life was better (yes, better!) and happier if I did not include him or expect him to participate. 

The next thing I figured out was that some holidays (Mother's Day, Christmas and such) were going to be difficult to manage without noticing my DS's absence so I started planning things.  There was one Thanksgiving when my DH and I decided not to have the big feast on Thursday because the weather was so wonderful.  We went canoeing on Thursday and I cooked on Friday when it was raining.  It was really liberating to realize that I could just shift the celebration around, Christmas did not have to be on December 25th.  So I started making plans for important days and letting my DS know what they were.  I stopped expecting him to show up (I knew he did not want to be there anyway) but I would tell him he could come if he wanted.

It was the most amazing thing.  Once I stopped pulling on him he stopped pulling away.  It was like I had been part of the problem by constantly demanding he change things.  I only had control over myself so the only way I could change the situation was for me to change the way I looked at things.  I started reciting my three mantras:

1) No news is good news
2) For things to change first I must change
3) What you focus on expands

I started practicing changing my focus.  When I thought about my situation with my DS I would tell myself number 1 and then work on changing my focus from that horrible situation to something that I enjoyed (like planning a camping trip).  My relationship with my DH was the first to improve.  He was so tired of trying to fix the impossible situation with my DS and so tired of watching me hurt without any way of making it better.  I never realized how unfair I was being to my DH until after it was over.

After a few months of loving detachment my DS realized what he was missing and has slowly moved into a better relationship with my DH and myself.  We are now seeing my DS and grands every Saturday (for the summer) and everyone enjoys it.  My DIL gets the day off from being a Mom, my DS gets help watching the children and I get the hugs and squeals that make my heart smile and brighten my life. 

I know that I was fortunate with my eventual outcome but honestly when I pulled away it was out of desperation.  Things had to change, one way or the other.  I could not go on in the same way.  Period.  Quite frankly if it had turned out that I was estranged from my DS I think I would have been OK.  I just could not put up with being treated that way any longer and with the help from the wonderful women here I found my way of stopping the abuse.  After all no one can hurt my feelings  if I don't let them, right?

Anyway Frustrated, I feel for you and I hope you find a way to recover your former self from this horrible situation!  Hugs!
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Conflicted
« Last post by Frustrated Oma on June 18, 2018, 07:38:56 PM »
The hurt continues.....  Memorial Day weekend I was rushed to the hospital with severe adominal pain.  My DH and DD rushed to my side.  My son who lives exactly 8 minutes from the hospital was called and he said to keep him posted as the DIL had a yoga class within the hour and he did not want to take the baby to the hospital.  I find out that I have a football size mass in my pelvis and need to go in for a full hysterectomy and biopsy.  Well surgery was scheduled for one week later.  My DD immediately told work she would not be in the day of and the day after surgery.  My DH sternly told our DS, that he needed to be there before I went into surgery and when I came out as we did not know what the outcome would be.  Luckily for me it was a benign tumor.  My DH and DD stated that my DIL was texting him the whole time asking him when he expected to arrive home.  I just don't understand some of the cold hearted people that are in this generation.  Instead of supporting him during this worrisome time, she just needed to know when he would be home to take over baby duties.  5 days post op in the hospital, my DS never came to visit me.  He did call to check in on his way home from work before being with her for the night.  I just don't get the lack of compassion.  Thank you for letting me vent....
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Sad and feeling sorry for myself
« Last post by luise.volta on June 18, 2018, 08:48:18 AM »
Progress of great magnitude! You matter and you deserve peace and fulfillment. Many of us here have found there is life beyond parenting and have accepted that we can't 'make sense of the senseless'. Putting our well-being into the hands of those who have no respect is something we can reverse! Good for you!
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Sad and feeling sorry for myself
« Last post by Bookworm on June 18, 2018, 05:31:27 AM »
Thank you Luise ! I have been, since I posted this thread been repeating no news is good news and trying to detach as much as possible when I feel negative! It is working ! This weekend we had DGD ballet recital and DSIL family planned an entire outing after to which we were not included, and I was on the verge of feeling so upset, when I reminded myself that I was too tired to go anywhere anyway. That is not to say that I did not feel sad not to be invited, I just did not dwell on it and was aware of other reasons that they might be doing so as the following day was fathers day and DSIL father could not attend as he had to work and all his other kids from out of town where there. I gave them the benefit of the doubt and told myself they may be having a family celebration.

Additionally DGD other grandmother purchased her balloons, flowers and gifts for the ballet recital and for the first time ever I thought, "I'm not in a competition", and after that I felt pretty good! Thanks so much for all the support!
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