For the second time since I found this site, I'm going to take a break from the nastiness, snarkiness and sarcasm I'm reading recently from some posters. I value wisdom, support, and gentle persuasion to see things in an alternative light; being demeaned, lectured to and 'snarked at' even if it isn't to me personally but to the MIL population in general isn't what I need right now. This is such an emotional time of year anyway, and to add abuse from strangers is a bit much.
April 18, 2024, 06:00:54 PM
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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler. Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough. How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering? What do we do when there are communication problems? How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden? And how do our family members feel about these issues? We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."
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62
Helpful Resources / Interesting site re:narcissists
November 21, 2009, 12:26:54 AM63
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / DIL doesn't like our friends
November 18, 2009, 10:47:15 PM
Without thinking I invited some old friends for Thanksgiving who DIL doesn't like. I didn't do it on purpose; I was just trying to fill what might have been a lonely table with people whose DD is away at college this holiday. These old friends have been nothing but supportive to us, our DDD, our DS and now our DIL. They threw her a bridal shower, for Pete's sake! But she doesn't care for them at all.
I'm not sure DIL will come for Thanksgiving since she's made her feelings about us known and wouldn't THAT be awkward? Besides, she and DS are going to her family's bash before ours. Anyway, now I'm worried that DS and DIL will take it personally, not show up and DS will be mad at me and then DH will be mad at me for ruining Thanksgiving. In my desire to: A) Have a full table of guests, and B) Not let DIL run my life, I've managed to mess things up. Help!
I'm not sure DIL will come for Thanksgiving since she's made her feelings about us known and wouldn't THAT be awkward? Besides, she and DS are going to her family's bash before ours. Anyway, now I'm worried that DS and DIL will take it personally, not show up and DS will be mad at me and then DH will be mad at me for ruining Thanksgiving. In my desire to: A) Have a full table of guests, and B) Not let DIL run my life, I've managed to mess things up. Help!
64
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / A Therapist's View on DIL Bi-Polar behavior
November 16, 2009, 01:43:43 AM
from the site: http://www.mhsanctuary.com/therapist/569.htm
Ask the Therapist
Daughter-in-laws Behavior
Question: I have a daughter-in-law, who has been diagnosed as BPD (Bi-Polar Disorder.) She has suceeded in separating my son from all his siblings and myself. She tried to separate him from a daughter by another wife. I know he is partly to blame for allowing it to happen. My question is this: Is there anyway I can repair the family, or do I just have to admit I have lost my son and go on with my life? We tries therapy, but all she wanted to talk about were things that happened 8 years ago I dismissed as unimportant. Like my behavior at a birthday party fot my grandaughter. I feel as if she walked into my life and blew my family apart. That is when it all started.
Answer: Your daughter-in-law is doing what is called splitting. She is doing this to protect herself from some imagined emotional threat. There is nothing you can do to change her behavior. On the other hand, your relationship with your son is, or should be, independent of the triangulation that she has created. So, you can repair the relationship with your son, if he agrees to remove himself from the thrall of her behavior. That's the real question. It's not about what you can do, but what your son is willing to do.
The problem you are facing is that BPDs are often predatory, whether they know it or not, and will prey up another person's emotional dependence. It's a sort of psycho-social addiction. If your son recognizes the problem, sees that it is destructive, and is willing to separate himself from the source (not necessarily his marriage, but the power he gives over to his wife), then there is a chance. Otherwise, you are tilting at windmills. It's not about what you can do, but about what he is willing to do.
Ask the Therapist
Daughter-in-laws Behavior
Question: I have a daughter-in-law, who has been diagnosed as BPD (Bi-Polar Disorder.) She has suceeded in separating my son from all his siblings and myself. She tried to separate him from a daughter by another wife. I know he is partly to blame for allowing it to happen. My question is this: Is there anyway I can repair the family, or do I just have to admit I have lost my son and go on with my life? We tries therapy, but all she wanted to talk about were things that happened 8 years ago I dismissed as unimportant. Like my behavior at a birthday party fot my grandaughter. I feel as if she walked into my life and blew my family apart. That is when it all started.
Answer: Your daughter-in-law is doing what is called splitting. She is doing this to protect herself from some imagined emotional threat. There is nothing you can do to change her behavior. On the other hand, your relationship with your son is, or should be, independent of the triangulation that she has created. So, you can repair the relationship with your son, if he agrees to remove himself from the thrall of her behavior. That's the real question. It's not about what you can do, but what your son is willing to do.
The problem you are facing is that BPDs are often predatory, whether they know it or not, and will prey up another person's emotional dependence. It's a sort of psycho-social addiction. If your son recognizes the problem, sees that it is destructive, and is willing to separate himself from the source (not necessarily his marriage, but the power he gives over to his wife), then there is a chance. Otherwise, you are tilting at windmills. It's not about what you can do, but about what he is willing to do.
65
Daughter in Law's or Son in Law's Parents / We don't measure up
November 09, 2009, 10:40:13 PM
DILs family wants nothing to do with us, just as DIL wants nothing to do with us. I'm not sure who is egging on whom. Apparently we are poor, trashy, uneducated, stupid, horrible people who just happened to raise a son who is acceptable (must have been pure luck!) DS says it's their problem, not ours, but it sure feels like ours since they don't seem to see it as a problem! They got what they wanted and we get the dribs and drabs.
We were officially "dissed" at an event the other day, and it felt really weird and awkward. The saying, "It's their world and we just live in it" seems to fit. I'm now at home recovering, and they're totally uncaring, going about their business as usual. Blahhh!
We were officially "dissed" at an event the other day, and it felt really weird and awkward. The saying, "It's their world and we just live in it" seems to fit. I'm now at home recovering, and they're totally uncaring, going about their business as usual. Blahhh!
66
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Getting through the holidays
November 04, 2009, 05:32:25 PM
It seems as though many of us are really concerned about the upcoming holiday season. I know I am - we are up in the air over plans 'cos we don't know if DS & DIL are coming now and I'm too chicken to ask (I'm not asking 'til I can handle the answer.)
An article just found me (!) that could pertain to our sense of loss and grief even though it was written to help people get through the holidays who are dealing with the death of a loved one . With a little adjustment here and there it could be helpful to us.
http://www.divinecaroline.com/22088/86674-getting-holidays-loss
We're the forgotten ones - there's no ritual to give us closure like when there's a death. I feel guilty when my grief gets the best of me because at least my son is alive and happy, so, I imagine others thinking, "what's the big deal?" Thank goodness for this site. We're wingin' it here, and I'm grabbing all the help I can get.
An article just found me (!) that could pertain to our sense of loss and grief even though it was written to help people get through the holidays who are dealing with the death of a loved one . With a little adjustment here and there it could be helpful to us.
http://www.divinecaroline.com/22088/86674-getting-holidays-loss
We're the forgotten ones - there's no ritual to give us closure like when there's a death. I feel guilty when my grief gets the best of me because at least my son is alive and happy, so, I imagine others thinking, "what's the big deal?" Thank goodness for this site. We're wingin' it here, and I'm grabbing all the help I can get.
67
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Disabled adult children
November 03, 2009, 08:18:17 AM
We've just received a notice that our daughter isn't able to stay at her residential program anymore. We live in an area where there aren't many resources for the disabled and I'm trying not to worry, but I'm just on the verge of a major freak out. It's imperative to stay calm when dealing with this so the people who hold the cards don't think I'm insane 
Not a lot different than dealing with controlling ILs!
Many things are at stake here - her happiness and well-being, her health insurance, my job, my future retirement, DH & my freedom. We don't know what's going to happen. Along with the uncertainty is the worry about her recent behaviors (the reason she's being moved) and why they're happening.
We're without close family and our friends and aquaintances have their own things to deal with, so it's just us. The social workers seem resentful when having to work out issues with our daughter, and we've been manipulated behind our backs by care providers and case workers. Maybe that's why I'm so sensitive when it happens with DIL!
All I wanted was a family, nothing special, not riches or fame or glory. There must be something in my demeanor that lets controlling, cold & uncaring people know I'm easy prey. Thanks for letting me vent!
Not a lot different than dealing with controlling ILs! Many things are at stake here - her happiness and well-being, her health insurance, my job, my future retirement, DH & my freedom. We don't know what's going to happen. Along with the uncertainty is the worry about her recent behaviors (the reason she's being moved) and why they're happening.
We're without close family and our friends and aquaintances have their own things to deal with, so it's just us. The social workers seem resentful when having to work out issues with our daughter, and we've been manipulated behind our backs by care providers and case workers. Maybe that's why I'm so sensitive when it happens with DIL!
All I wanted was a family, nothing special, not riches or fame or glory. There must be something in my demeanor that lets controlling, cold & uncaring people know I'm easy prey. Thanks for letting me vent!