I am not one of the first ones who does not get along with her MIL. Seeking some helpful advise
Me and my DH come from slightly different wings of the same faith, which was OK till I got married and I have been pushed into accepting their faith since our wedding which I have been avoiding. DH was OK with me and my beliefs. All was well till the birth of my twins. MIL and mum visited us for the birth of my first.. Biggest mistake ever to have them under the roof at the same time that too for 3 months as we live in another country.. I recommended she arrive after mum left but she was already hurt that elder DIL did not have her for her first kids birth.. Could not help but bring them together at the same time. Needless to say there were grandmum wars and me and hubby got involved as each hated to see DM hurt.
what bothered me most was she caused fights between us before my mum arrived and till date states my mum instigated me and has caused a change in my behaviour towards her. But I have known MIL for long and what caused the change is to see for myself when I lived with her under the same roof. She states things that later she turned back on.. At times coming back days later with excuses for her unacceptable behaviour and remarks that DS always buys. She feels its coz of DM that I don't trust her, but I have experienced it first hand. Things that caused me getting distant were MIL relaying events in such a way that DH came home back to only fight with me, and on one occasion threw me out of the house when my kids were still in hospital after birth and forbid me to ever return to him or the kids. The second occasion when my Mum was in hospital during her visit. Making statements about things that I said and did that I never did or state in the first place. She claims my mum and I got her to do all the household work when the truth is the other way round that DH is an eyewitness of, but others at my IL's aren't. It got so out of hand we prepped their return.
She instigated my DH to such an extent that I was prohibited from being in touch with my family for almost a year. My mum n family kept their distance hoping it would make things better. MY elder SIL has said some mean things about me which DH was not aware of so I have kept my distance from her since day one. I had to tell him the truth when I was asked why I don't keep contact with them. MIL acknowledged the incident fortunately which was the one time DH stood by me.
She and SIL manipulate DH into feeling bad about him not being in touch with them as often after then leaving. I overheard her telling false stories about me and my mom when they thought their call did not get through on my child's first Bday (What a gift!!). I know she has been badmouthing about me and my mom to everyone at my IL's. People that I used to get along very well with have been keeping their distance. I have not spoken to her since my kids Bday and have no plans to. I am not comfortable with her trying to be in touch with my kids as I can clearly see she has poisoned my DH's mind and our relationship is not the same anymore. I do not wish my kids to be taken away from me either.
DH refuses to acknowledge that his DM is a conniving drama queen , a big liar and would go to any extent to gain control and keep DS to herself. She has been making plans to introduce him to other girls who he can remarry after divorcing me and planting this idea in his head for months. I love my DH very much and I do not wish to lose my family. But we do not spend a day when we do not fight mostly coz its something I know is coming from MIL as the words aren't part of DH's vocabulary.
I have not been able to DH to see my perspective ever as for him MIL is perfect. I have suggested counselling but he refuses to as MIL does not think it will help. The list of incidents in endless but hope I can present the picture.
Any advise to make things better is welcome.
I feel for you, inpain.
If he refuses counseling, I think I would get out of there. I know it's hard to break up a family but I think maybe it might be time to try to make things better for you, rather than better for the relationship.
Perhaps other women here will have some less drastic suggestions that would help - this is just what I think I would do in your situation.
I hope and pray there are some other options. I do not want my kids to go through the trauma of having divorced parents. I keep hoping it will get better some day, but the daily phone calls and discussions of what I had cooked and what the kids ate in the day are simply making matters worse. When you have known someone for as long as I have known my husband you can tell when they use words off someone elses vocabulary.
I haven't been divorced so my opinion is not worth much - but I wonder if the kids are already going through the trauma of having estranged parents not getting along every day? If you were in different houses, they would only see one parent who isn't under stress at a time.
I have a friend who has hated her husband for as long as I've known her - his failings come up in just about every conversation we've had. Now the daughter is an adult, finishing college and my friend won't divorce her husband because she wants her daughter to have one home for her holidays. I don't really understand that but I respect her choice and don't try to change her mind.
You know what's most important to you and you should follow your instincts.
Hope I get some other workable solutions and would prefer that to be my last resort. Don't wish to look back and feel I dint try hard enough to make it work.
Divorce should be a last resort, but I am concerned that
1. Your husband talks to his mother everyday and always sides with her,
2. Threw you out of the house apparently right after your twins were born (right?) and threatened to keep you from your children, and
3. Kept you from contacting your family for a year.
Did I understand your post right, that these things happened? Because if they did, it sounds to me as though you are being severely emotionally abused. By your MIL, yes, but even more by your husband.
I'd talk to a good lawyer.
:'(
I have dated DH for nine years before marriage and now been married over three years. He seems such a different person now. Think I haven't stopped hoping to see the man I fell in love with again someday
Trying hard enough to make it work involves both sides putting in an effort. If you put in all the effort and he doesn't, things will never change in this situation (which honestly comes across as emotionally abusive). I'd ask him again to go to counselling, and if he still refuses, go alone. It may give you the strength and perspective you need to either attempt to continue you relationship or end it. Either way you'll have the peace of knowing you tried.
Sorry, something else I wanted to add here: both DH and I have divorced parents. Mine split when I small (age 6) and his split when he was in his early 20s. I have zero recollection of my parents fighting or living in that kind of turmoil. They were also pretty good even after they split of not putting us in the middle. We were fortunate that way. DH's story is the opposite - he really only remembers his parent's marriage as being very unhappy for most of his life. They chose to stay together until after he graduated from university. It didn't do him any favors. He carried a lot of that baggage through the early parts of our relationship (and we broke up a couple times), because he thought all relationships will end badly someday so why get into one? He was curled up in the fetal position having a panic attack at the though of his parents being in the same room together for our wedding.
My point in all this is, staying together for the kids without trying to fix the relationship is always, always a bad idea. You are not doing them any favors. Yes, I wish my parents had put more of an effort into solving their issues, but I'm glad they decided to split if they weren't.
Hi inpain and welcome ,
I am sorry you are in such pain and can feel your distress in your post .
I think you have to sit down with your husband and ask him where you go from here .
Tell him how unhappy you are and you're not prepared to go on as you are .
You are his wife , or you're not .
Does he want to share his life with you , or his mother .
It may sound disrespectful towards a him and his mother , but what respect have they shown you .
It's your life to live and how you live it depends entirely on you .
Living under a shadow is very stressful , and in time your health will probably suffer .
If you decide to split , your MIL may have won the battle , but you will regain your life .
If you think it's worth saving , you have to tell your husband how you feel .
I come from an Asian background where we live with MIL N FILS all our lives. I have asked my husband this question and his answer is he will always put his mom first who is right does not matter. I respect the fact that he wishes to have a relationship with her but it seems to be at a price I am paying. I want him to see it from a third person's perspective but have failed. Think somewhere I have never imagined a life without him and can't hwever hard I try.
Thank you. I will surely try counselling on my own
Quote from: NewMama on May 11, 2012, 08:31:44 AM
Sorry, something else I wanted to add here: both DH and I have divorced parents. Mine split when I small (age 6) and his split when he was in his early 20s. I have zero recollection of my parents fighting or living in that kind of turmoil. They were also pretty good even after they split of not putting us in the middle. We were fortunate that way. DH's story is the opposite - he really only remembers his parent's marriage as being very unhappy for most of his life. They chose to stay together until after he graduated from university. It didn't do him any favors. He carried a lot of that baggage through the early parts of our relationship (and we broke up a couple times), because he thought all relationships will end badly someday so why get into one? He was curled up in the fetal position having a panic attack at the though of his parents being in the same room together for our wedding.
My point in all this is, staying together for the kids without trying to fix the relationship is always, always a bad idea. You are not doing them any favors. Yes, I wish my parents had put more of an effort into solving their issues, but I'm glad they decided to split if they weren't.
Inpain, welcome to the board. Please take a moment to read the posts in the "Open Me First" section. We ask all new posters to read them to familiarize you with the group. I also made one small change to your post. We have a no-bad-language rule, and I modified the one word in your post that broke that rule.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I really hope you take a previous poster's suggestion of getting counseling for yourself, whether or not your husband goes along with it.
I thought this might be the case in your marriage .
I know this is their tradition and it must be very hard for you , but in this modern society
I would have thought a wife has more standing in the household .
I am not sure what you can do to break this way of living and perhaps a counsellor from your
own background may be able to help .
I am sorry for your troubles .
I don't want to delve into dodgy subject matter, but you mentioned that you and your husband's family belong to different branches of the same religion. May I ask what religion? I ask in case you could find help there, that is with the teachings of your religion regarding marriage and honor to parents. Perhaps also a minister of your religion could be asked to help.
DH is not into religion at all hence was at peace with my beliefs. MIL on the other hand has succeeded in making this a debatable issue between us. I don't feel ministers will do any good as it's is more difficult to get him to see a minister than a counselor
Do you think you could get a minister to talk to your MIL, then, if she is the religious one?
Seems worth a shot. Though managing the logistics is my next thought as we are over 4k miles apart and I don't know any ministers from their side. Need to run this through DH as he hates family matters ever mentioned outside home boundaries and there is no neutral person I could turn to in the family who will be heard
Quote from: inpain on May 11, 2012, 01:16:07 PM
Seems worth a shot. Though managing the logistics is my next thought as we are over 4k miles apart and I don't know any ministers from their side. Need to run this through DH as he hates family matters ever mentioned outside home boundaries and there is no neutral person I could turn to in the family who will be heard
Four thousand miles! Goodness! I have read that marital happiness increases in inverse proportion to the number of miles between oneself and ones' MIL. If this were true, you should have the happiest marriage ever!
If your MIL is a Christian, someone needs to remind her of the biblical injunction for the man to leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife. I don't know much about Judaism or Islam, but I think that the wife at least has clear rights. Other religions I don't know about at all when it comes to marriage.
Distance has not helped as technology enables her in these times to talk to and see her DS as she pleases any time of the day she wants, nose around whenever she wants. I have lost all respect for her that I had built over the years in this past year. What hurts is my concerns seem to be falling on deaf ears by a son who has selective vision when it comes to mom. I can't help but feel extremely strong negative feelings towards her.
Quote from: inpain on May 11, 2012, 01:59:55 PM
Distance has not helped as technology enables her in these times to talk to and see her DS as she pleases any time of the day she wants, nose around whenever she wants. I have lost all respect for her that I had built over the years in this past year. What hurts is my concerns seem to be falling on deaf ears by a son who has selective vision when it comes to mom. I can't help but feel extremely strong negative feelings towards her.
I think your DH deserves some of those strong negative feelings, too! She would have no game to play here if he didn't allow her to be in charge of his life.
And I'm speaking as a Mom whose son has chosen to cut me out of his life in favor of his wife's choices and family. I'm sorry that it came to that, but I respect his right to do whatever he wants with his life.
I would arrange for a technical major failure in my house inpain .
I thought you all lived together , there would be a few blown fuses if all
that connects you is technology .
Have already tried it. But DH has far superior knowledge in fixing any disasters I am capable of creating. MIL called his cell n our landline instead. Felt silly bout takin such a measure when I know it is no long term solution which I am truly after.
I know if I part ways I will be homeless childless n penniless. All my earnings have been put towards mortgage payments for a house in his name which MIL is nominated to get shud anything happen to DH. Not even my kids. He claims he will ensure I won't get.custody of my kids on financial grounds n any other reasons he can come up with. I have contributed to his anger for the simple reason that I have tried to voice my concerns to him which he thinks is me being disrespectful of his mom. I wish I could contain my anger when in an argument with him but have found myself incapable of any tolerance and patience in the last year. I have seen that side of DH that I never knew existed till the arrival of my twins.
I wish I had intelligent advice to offer and hope someone else here does.
All I can say is that your DH is an abusive -- well, a word I can't use on this forum. Your MIL is not your real problem, he is. It sounds as though he has been using you and has you right where he wants you. I would feel absolutely no guilt of any kind in leaving him and suing for the house and complete custody of the kids.
Welcome inpain :)
Are there any women's shelters around where you live? They should have resources, or at least point you in the right direction, to help with what is going on. They can ease your fears about any custody matters (should you need to know anything) and can help provide counseling.
Don't know anymore who the problem is. But as of tonite my relationship has turned physically abusive all coz I mentioned counselling again which has made me realize I am fighting a lost battle. I am trying to find what to do next as have told my husband I am returning to my home country with my boys with or without his approval. Need some serious advice as airlines do not let one individual travel with two under two infants. I love him too much to report him, but prefer to walk away and let him be a good DS at least coz he doesn't seem to bother anymore about being a good husband or care about his kids wellbeing
Thanks for all your support ladies. Will keep you posted of how things go further
I think you need professional advice on where you stand , the sooner the better . Also the support of your family . If they could come to you , then you could travel back with them ro their home if they are willing to help . Now is the time , abuse is.not acceptable in any culture .
Dear Forum Members
thank you for all your valuable advise and guidance. The kindness shown means so much. It helps to know you have someone to talk to about your situation and do not have to face it alone.
I am trying to sort my trip back home. Have asked a couple friends if they wouldn't mind traveling with me and one has agreed. Family would need upto 6 weeks to reach as getting a visa is not a quick process. DH had held back my passport but has now handed it back. He seems to be equally upset about his outburst. Says is as unbelievable for him as for me and I feel his regret is genuine as I have never seen him in a fit of rage like this in all the years that I have known him. DH has calmed down and wishes to work something out to make things better for us which I must say for me is a unexpected big bonus. How far it will get implemented I do not know.
I know suggestions have been made to the fact that DH is to blame and not my MIL. But I felt respected and loved till she came to live with us last year. It has only been since then that I have seen changes in DH. I know it will be impossible to get her completely out of our lives as DH loves his Mom and refuses to see her manipulative behavior. His family keeps sending him on guilt trips and the most recent one was on Mothers day. Added to that the stigma attached to women & children coming from broken marriages is what I dread to face back home - not alone, but expose my kids to it as well.
I know if I wish to give this another shot, it will be in the interest of me and my kids to lay down some ground rules. Are there any suggestions for me to make to most of this opportunity as I do not know how to go about making my stand clear without offending or upsetting him in such a way that our marriage goes to the point of no return. There are certain things which are unacceptable in our culture like asking his parents to stay away or limit their interactions. Parents are the ones next to God and everyone else after that including wife and kids.. Please please please guide me. I am so lost..
The first thing you need to do is protect yourself. Do what you can to ensure that you will not end up homeless or cut off from your children if your husband gets into a rage.
Abusive people frequently seem to back down when they realize they are about to lose some power. I would not trust this show of remorse. It may be sincere, it may not. Husband will have to earn your trust back.
Is he of the same racial and cultural background as you? I'm asking because I want to know if he is acting out of that background of if he is using your background against you.
Yes our backgrounds are the same, except for variations in our religion.
Inpain ,
I am pleased that your DH is willing to sit and discuss your problems , it is a good sign .
I think if you ask for the respect you deserve , everything else should slot into place .
Even though the parents are highly valued , you too are a parent and should be treated with equal respect .
Spoke to DH. Unfortunately no one had to courage to refer to the elephant in the room, my MIL and her effect on our marriage. All other conversations refer to what has already been pointed out-
Quote from: Vasilisa on May 14, 2012, 09:34:20 AM
The first thing you need to do is protect yourself. Do what you can to ensure that you will not end up homeless or cut off from your children if your husband gets into a rage.
Abusive people frequently seem to back down when they realize they are about to lose some power. I would not trust this show of remorse. It may be sincere, it may not. Husband will have to earn your trust back.
Is he of the same racial and cultural background as you? I'm asking because I want to know if he is acting out of that background of if he is using your background against you.
DH going back to his obnoxious abusive self at the first opportunity. It is time to close this chapter of our lives as there seems to be no hope.