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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - Nana

1
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Rough day
August 06, 2012, 12:57:34 AM
Sorry Pen you are still hurting for this unsensitive dil who does not deserve a space in your mind or your life.  She has taken advantage of her position and of your son trying to keep peace with her.  I was there too, believe me, but I am not as good and patient as you.  I was lucky and things began to change.  I couldnt take it anymore and decided to draw my line too. 

You are having indeed a bad day...but you will be ok again.  There is much more to be written to this story.  Some good has to come out of this, you'll see. 

Love
2
I loved this topic....and the way everyone posted.  I relate to this a lot.  Both grandparents  (I am included) live near .  I might say they are even closer to my dil's family.  They babysit from Monday-Thursday, I only babysit on Fridays and have them frequentely on weekends together with my son and dil.  I now dont mind who is closer.  I cherish my Friday as crazy.  I give thanks to my Lord for not having the three gc everyday as my dil's mother have them.  (Son and dil work).  When our first gc was born, I resented just having one day for me, now I couldnt be so grateful.....they are handsful....I end up exhausted on Fridays because now they are three (5, 4 and 1).  I enjoy them tons...play with them, pick up the two older from pre-school, kiss them as if was the last time.  Maybe dil's mother have more benefits...she is practically raising them....but who cares.....I have all week to recover physically and store all my love for them.  I couldnt love them more if they'd be more days with me.  It is quality time that counts.....and it is what they will remember. 

Love you all.

3
Ruth..
So happy for this great surprise from your son.  As Scoop said...being hugged by a non-hugger is something huge.  I see it though as he really wanted to tell you he loved you.  Some people are not use to hug because they are not good expressing their feelings.  But they do have feelings inside.  Some people are warm-hearted some are not.  I am a born hugger and kisser.  My AS is not so much, so when he hugs me during his visits I feel so flattered.  I could even fly.   Good not to have expectations, but for now you can enjoy and cherish the memories of this last visit.  I love when I feel.I cant believe something so good is happening to me.  Awesome. 

Love
4
New Mama

I relate perfectly well to what you are saying.  When my first gc was born and dil had to return to work, my dil's mother would watch over the baby (babysit) 4 days a week, and I got only one.  Now I am thankful for it (lol) as now son/dil now have three children.  I now pitty (lol) and admire my dil's mother because it takes a lot of work taking care of the three (5, 4 and 1 year old).  So when the eldest started growing, and they would comment on how close the baby was with dil's mother I felt a hole in my stomack.  I knew I was jealous.  I also knew that their comments where not said with the intention of hurting me, and I also realized that it was normal that baby was closer to the other grandma because he was spending more time with her.  So I never said nothing to anyone about my feelings.  Now that two of them are older, the 4-year old gd is so close to me and always want to stay at Nana's house (me).  The oldest is kind of closer still to other grandma but still loves me very much.  Besides, the other grandma has neighbors with kids the age of my gs so he loves to be there.  At my house only we adults play with our grandchildren. 

So as a grandmother, I would advice you to just be normal.  Dont hide the fact of the close relationship of your son/daughter with your mother, just dont over do it.   You mil has to realized that people get closer to people they see more.  It is not your fault that she lives farther.  You cannot force love to your kids for a grandparent or relative, it  just comes out naturally. 

I admire your good heart.  Not all dils care about mil's feelings.  Your mil is very lucky to have you, sorry she is not valueing it. 

Love
5
Grab Bag / Re: Personal Request
March 13, 2012, 02:39:02 PM
Luise"

I registered with no problem.  Good luck.

Love
6
Lancaster Lady

Thanks for your response.  Yes....we have to be very careful with what we say.  Walking on egg shells.  No problem.....can bear with that lol.     I

Such is life.

Love you LL
7
Grab Bag / Re: Birthday Wishes
March 12, 2012, 02:21:22 PM
Happy Belated Birthday Dear Luise.

Love you
8
Thanks you for your responses.
Scoop:  What did I expect to happen?  Well I really dont know.  I was not judging dil or her parenting.  GD was crying because brother said "I dont forgive you".  It was just a comment which I suppose she did not like.  You are right in the sense that now gd knows what it feels not to be forgiven.  I only realized that she was just hard on me (by the tone of her voice).  No big deal....  After that, my husband invited us all to Chinese Food and we had a good time.  Maybe you feel Scoop I was being nosey, but as Ruth says...when you are a regular gm who regularly babysits you are family with a voice.  Times have changed.  My mil (who still lives) was not intrusive, but express her opinion without me getting upset.   My mother was just the same with her dils and with me.  And we all loved and respected her.  I appreciate your point of view.  It helps me be more objective.

Ruth:  Thanks also.  I do remember your story about your gs not being ready when you came for them.  I also thought that you as a grandmother had the right (or privilege) to reprimand them and let them know you did not approve of their rudeness.  They did understand but not your daughter.  Of course we as gp make mistakes, but as you said we have the right to be wrong sometimes.  Your daughter should have supported you but she didnt and she feels she is right.  Boy, things did change my dear Ruth, our children see things different.  You did the correct thing so dont be upset.  Life will tell. 

Dear Luise.  As always with your wise comments.  My gs was honest with himself....he did not forgive her because it did hurt him.  I saw everything.  They were jumping all over me and hit my gs with her shoe on his head.  It happens very often.  What called my attention is that gs finally said "ok, I forgive you" and went to his mom and said "Mom, I forgave my sister eventhough she sometimes doesnt forgive me"  just the words dil had said.  Lol. 

Love you
9

Dear Wise-Women
Today my son and dil came home with my three grandchildren. So my two eldest 3 and 5 were playing and my 3-year old granddaugher accidentally hit my 5-year old grandson.  She said I am sorry, and my grandson said "Ï dont forgive you".   So we were all together in the living room.  I said to dil " gd said she was sorry and gs said he did not forgive her (said it in a joking way).  She turned towards me and said (in a very serious mode) "Ï cannot reprimand son because sometimes its the other way around and daughter says No when son apologizes to her".   I just shut my mouth....well no, I actually said "ökey" lol. 

I wonder now.....did I do the correct thing?     I really think that two wrongs dont make a right one. 

I really dont have now problems with dil....but I hate not being able to debate or express an opinion.  I think that maybe she was not in a good mood.   Oh Well.   

Love 

10
Dear AL:

Congratulations for your new grandchild.   It was indeed a wonderful, unbelievable surprise.... After all, dil and son have a good heart.  Baby steps, as you said.  Try to be very cautious and prudent.  More good things coming, you''ll see.  Think positive. 

God Bless You and Your Family

Love
11
Dear Cherry.

Your daughter obviously feels embarrass of you... she is a vain and materialistic daughter.  The cost of our cloth does not make us better or worse.  I might like wearing nice expensive clothing but I respect and love those who dont.  What is important to some, is not to others.  I dont mind traveling (have never been in Europe) but I love to spend in home refurnishing.  Sometimes we cannot afford things, and some other times we really dont consider it a priority. 

I agree with other posters that your daughter does not want you near her children and husband because she is insecure... because of all the lies she has said. 

Now you know you cannot count on your husband.  My husband stands by me when someone hurts me, and when I am wrong he lets me know it, and even reprimands me behind closed doors, but will not permit anyone to abuse me or him.   I think your husband feels flattered that he is not an embarrassment to his daughters.  Your daughter must be so happy having daddy by her side....ughs....I am so angry at him. 

Cherry, I also agree that you seem a nice fun person.  They are missing all these.  What good is to gain all material things if you lose your heart (speaking of your daughter of course).  You have a good heart......what they think about you is their problem....you are awesome. 

We show people the way we want to be treated.  Dont take more abuse from any of them.

Love
12
Dear Jill

Herbal is right about going to Al-anon for help.  I had a brother who was a heavy drinker and put all our family up side down.  My father attended the Al-Anon meeting and they helped him a lot to cope with my brother's behavior.  Your problem is more complicated because your daughter is a Mom, and it will be terrible if bf's family took the baby away from her. 
She is not capable of taking care of the baby though. 

The only thing for certain is that your daughter needs help.  She is jeoparizing her life and the baby's.   You also need help to cope and to be able to help her in every way possible. 

I am sure you will be better advice from many wise women here.

Love
13
Yes Luise is really the wiser women I have known.....she always have the right words.  Concise, precise and funny lol. 

All here wise women are awesome...  all contribute their own experiences and always something in a post clicks in....in something we are struggling with.   I dont post often but am here almost everyday.  And even if it seems I am not... I am backstage, laughing, thinking and sometimes crying. 

Love you all
14
Grab Bag / Re: I don't know how to feel about this
February 22, 2012, 03:48:14 AM
Dear Somon

My fil was a good man but liked to make me angry with comments or teasing me in things I did not like....my mother was a sugar pie nad loved me dearly.  When my fil made  a comment I did like, my husband would just smile as if we wer just joking.  I would answer back....and my husband would also just smile.  It was how he dealt with the issue. Probably he did not supported me but never did he questioned me or got angry at me for aswering back.  He let me be me lol.  So I felt I could defend myself.   At the end, before he passed away, I realized he really loved me when he held my hand for the last time.     I know your case is different because your bil was rude.     

In the case of your husband not standing u-p for you.....just try to think that men are different from us women.....they do not know how to deal with certain issues.  That is so true.
Love
15
Grab Bag / Re: Motherhood
February 22, 2012, 03:34:41 AM
I was also impressed with the video.  Its what mothers do, feed them, protect them, love them, but soon they will fly on their own....to their own life.    That's it...mission accomplished.   Anything we get back from that is an asset to our heart and soul.   But lets see it in a positive way....we are now Free too, to retake our life as it once was lol. 

Love