March 29, 2024, 06:41:24 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Show posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Messages - Cranky Pants

1
I got some good news today.  The big things they were testing me for came up normal.  I still have a few other issues but they are  not life threatening.

Thanks to everyone who sent prayers and good vibes.
CP
2
I have a partial update.  I have some new symptoms that appear to me that I might have an ulcer, not sure if I have anything more serious will find out later this week when I get all the test results.  My computer was hacked last week at GMAIL and 7 years of correspondence and contacts was lost.  Just another little tiresome detail to make life a little "interesting". 

I have decided not to make a video for my son.  I've decided to take the wise advice of Sir Paul McCartney to "Let It Be".

Thanks to everyone,
CP
3
Thanks for the post, Elsie.

CP
4
Hi, I went to a walk in clinic today and was able to see a doctor.  They are sending me for a battery of tests on Tuesday but don't believe my symptoms are necessarily as dire as I predicted them to be.

I'm relieve that I'll get a full workup and should have some results soon.  I have always known that kidney disease is in my family, my genetic disposition since I turned 60 are the cards that I have to play.  So I hope the old saying "It's not the cards you're dealt, it's how you play the hand"

I'm hoping that I'll get some good news later this week or early next.  I'll keep doing what I was doing which is getting paperwork organized and even planning my funeral.  I bought a book that talks about planning the party of your life if you someone who has some advance notice.

Many thanks to all,
CP
5
Thanks, Pen.

I'm pretty sure I've got some serious problems with my kidneys, more and more symptoms are showing.  I have an appointment with a doctor next Friday but have decided to go to a walk in clinic tomorrow, would like to know what my creatinine levels are.

Will touch base when I have some news.

CP
6
Pen, any woman who have ever been on this board is going to be faced with circumstances dire and dramatic enough to fund a dozen "Notebook" type weepers.

I hope you don't mind if I caution you not to expect your note to your son to clear up misunderstandings.  I don't know that some people will ever reach a hand out to mend a relationship that has gone off the rails.  I suspect that the person who wants it the most will do the reaching out, but this gives the other person a major advantage in knowing that.  It reminds me of the saying in business "Whoever speaks first loses".

I hope in reaching out to your DS that things will improve.  One would assume it can't hurt to try, but it's a good idea to have a Plan B in case Plan A  doesn't pass.

It's always a cold water bath to find someone close to you who has to deal with their (possible, impending) mortality.  We've all come to believe those actuarial tables that show that we are all going to live to 89. 

Best of luck, and thank you for letting me know your thoughts are with me.  While I won't have an answer for a while as to whether or not I'm ill, it has given me a new perspective on arguing with call phone centre people and others where I might be compelled to express my indignation.  I know that that my energy is far too precious to waste it on anger.  Wish I had know this a few decades ago, but I guess this is how you get your wisdom!
CP
7
Thank you everyone for the feedback and for reading my posts. 

It's wonderful to have this wisdom and this group to reach out to.

CP
8
My friend chose people she had trusted in life (and ice) I'm a Canuck" I'll learn how to edit these posts one of these days!
9
Pooh, the question isn't mean.  I know where you are coming from.

I think I may be seriously ill as in "your symptoms could mean that you might have at most 48 hours".  It's a moving target.  I haven't told my doctor about all of the symptoms that have showed up in the last 5 weeks.  This week I've been feeling particular awful and yesterday, the pieces of the puzzle fell into place and I think I know that I could be in the top of the 9th inning of my life or even in the bottom of the 9th.

As a lifelong hypochrondiac (I don't know how to spell that one either!),  I have been quick to jump to conclusions about when a deep gash is a fracture, but having had a stand in the hallway at death's literally about 20 years ago when the doctors were desperate to keep me alive for another 24 hours because the symptoms I had weren't presently what they were treating me for and I was in the "come and say goodbye" stage I also know that my instinct are likely close to the mark if not right on it. 

I am going to see my doctor next week and will tell him about the additional symptoms.  I decided that I would just continue to live my life as I had planned.  Having been the caregiver to one of my friends who died for a year, I know that people who are terminally ill are at the most vulnerable in their lives.  Who they pick and choose to be close to them at the time is a bittersweet privilege.  My friend choose people she had trusted in ice and they hastened her death in an effort to get money from her.  I'm not going that route.  I don't think trying to reconcile with my son at this time would be a good idea if I am ill.  I'm maintaining the status quo until I see fit.  One friend of mine told me a few months ago "You have to call your son, you're his Mom, you always want your Mom".  I told her "I'm not ready yet".  I don't know if I ever will but if I don't get in touch with him it will be to protect myself from further stress and stress never helps any illness.

Putting together a letter and video has always been in the back of my mind but yesterday I decided it was time to put them on the front burner.  If I'm wrong and my health is in the 7nd or 8th inning, it will just be ready. 

I have always known that as a result of that illness that longevity was not in the cards for me, it has been a set of circumstances that motivated to me to do a lot of living while I could.  Not all of the years have been good, I've had times when the illness comes out of remission, but in all honesty, every single day of the last 20 years has been a gift whether or not it was painful or joyful.

My goal is to do what I can now, with the circumstances that I think I have.  The letter is for both of us and I think it's more for me than for him.  I don't know what is happening in his life, it's been years and I've never looked at Facebook and have no contact with anyone who would know what is going on in his universe.

That's all I know for today, thanks for asking, Pooh
CP
10
I don't know how to edit a post but the word I wrote was replaced by another.  I'm not part of the Rainbow Nation so thanks for your patience.
11
Thank you Pooh, your message brought me to tears.  Here's my first draft

Message in a Bottle - For My Son

1.  You can learn a lot from "The School of Lead By Bad Example". 

My life didn't go in the direction that I tried to force it to and yours won't either.  Nobody's does. The unexpected and sometimes tragic curveballs land in everyone's life.  Just because other people aren't crying on your shoulder about them doesn't mean they aren't trudging through the muddy ditches of life.  Everyone has problems, awful problems, but some deal with them with grace and quiet resolve.  My unreliable health and an upbringing in an alcoholic household,  (including a mother who was proud of her ability to hold a grudge for 88 years)conspired to turn me into a not nice person.  It didn't take I'm proud to say even though  I was tutored well.  My mother was for the first 20 years of my life my shining hero.  She taught me the rules of someone of "Good Character".  She chose to retain her increasing bitterness and resentments for the last 50 years of her life.  She revelled in the misfortunes and losses of others.  I'm proud that I recognized that I would become a malicious woman as I aged if I listened to her.  I decided to bring joy, laugher and generosity to the people in my life instead of that hateful chuckle that she would spit out when she was happy that someone she despised had lost a job, lost some money, lost their dog.  She despised lots of people "Serves them right" she would mutter.  When did God decide she did the serving?  It was a long and arduous process for me to distance myself from my mother and her "Serves Them Right" philosophy.  I did it, and didn't see her or speak to her for the last 15 years of her life, but continually sent thoughtful gifts for Christmas, her birthday and flowers on Mother's Day.  I never told her what I thought "Served her right" but I do believe the technical term is "Passive Aggressive".  I let her choose her own path and she tried to drag me down it, too.  It's is perhaps the most significant accomplishment of my life that I was able choose my own path of instead of joining those who rejoice in someone else's misery.  I was fortunate to have a social worker who enlightened and helped me more than 20 years ago and handed me the boxes of tissues that I sobbed into for years.   

You didn't get to choose your parents.  No one does.  What you take and what you do with what you learned from each one is entirely up to you.  If one of them used you as a pawn to get back at the other that reflects on them, not you.  Remember that when you point the finger at someone you always have at least 3 fingers pointing back at yourself.  You choose everything in your life, either actively or by default.  Everything is up to you including the father you may choose to be.

2.  Don't Look in the Rearview Mirror.

Don't spend time worrying about what you could have done, should have done, whose feeling you might have hurt etc. etc.  Think about where you are today, and look forward to what you can do now.  You can't change your destiny right away but a change in direction of only a few degrees can make a huge difference.  Take small steps every day to get to where you want to go whether it be happy or miserable. 

3.  Don't do anything at all when you are angry except to exercise, dig ditches or go to a large body of water, salt or not.   

I speak from experience.  The worst one being the day when I lost my temper and yelled unspeakable, unforgivable and unrepeatable words at you.  It ultimately led to our estrangement, but I think it would have happened anyway, it was a hook that was there and there was some "baiting" on your part.  Your wife-to-be was going to be the "Queen" and she didn't want a "Queen Mother".  There was only room for one crown in her "Palace" and she was wearing it.  If there was only one day in my life that I could live over it would be that one.  Sadly, we don't get "Do-overs", but I have learned from that day and used the phrase "I'm busy" when I wanted to tell someone "You're a bozo" or much, much worse.

While there have been many times that I have missed you in past years, especially at Christmas, your Birthday or mine, never once have I ever missed those times when you or your wife-to-be said with that nasty smile, "We aren't coming to visit, we're busy".  After nearly having a heart attack when you told me you didn't want to keep in touch with me I got busier.  After a long and painful mourning process after losing my relationship with you, eventually, I got happier too.  It was my life and it was all up to me after all.

Do not talk, yell, text or email anyone unless you are only using the phrase "I'm busy.  Will call later".  Later might be years.  Busy can take a long time.  The project is yourself.  You don't have to justify anything to anyone, ever.  No-body, no excuses, no exceptions. 

You will be tested, some people will bait you when you are angry, sometimes they will have made you angry and are looking for you to retaliate so they can play the "You are such an awful person card.  Poor me, I put up with so much from you".  This game is known as "Tails I Win, Heads you Lose".  Make no mistake, you will always be the loser to these people.  They will go to the end of the earth to make sure you lose, everything, love, money, and anything else.  The only way to win is to get away from them.  Open the front door and walk to Ushuaia alone without any electronic device if you have to.  Always change/leave a game you cannot win.  Let them play the game with someone else.  It's like going to Vegas and not buying chips.

Take as much time as you need and want to let your emotions come down from a high boiling froth to a slow simmer when angry.  Time and distance are great healers as long as you haven't left a relationship as if you have just walked out of an abattoir with a pair of bloody overalls.

Be a dog.  Watch the drug sniffing canines at the airport looking for drugs.  They sniff every purse and suitcase with the efficiency of 1 million Macbook Pros.  They don't give up until they find what they are looking for.  Set your goals.  Decide what you want and exactly and precisely what it will take to get you there.  Don't let anger, anyone or anything else distract you.  Decide what sacrifices you will make to get there and always understand that the price you will ultimately pay to achieve your goal will be much, much higher than what you think it will be. 

Don't forget that Diana Nyad had to try five times before she swam from Cuba to Key West.  Remember her quote "All of us suffer heartache.  All of us suffer difficulties in our lives.  And if you say to yourself "Find a Way" you'll make it through."

Make sure you do whatever it takes to make you happy for at least one hour every single day.   A walk with the dog, washing the car and star gazing all count.

You aren't perfect, you are human.  Make your motto "Close Enough".  Some will tell you "Close only counts in shaving and horseshoes" but those people are drowning their sorrows at the bottom of a bottle of Jack Daniels every night because "close" is never good enough for them.  I know.  I've met them.  I married one whose father drilled that into him, probably hearing the same refrain from those generations before him him who made the liquor companies rich.  You'll make mistakes, and make the same ones again.  Hopefully you will learn sooner rather than later that you are the only one who can stop making them. 

A GPS gets to recalculate, recalculate.  You do too.  You can recalculate your life's direction every day or every hour.  Spend all of your time with the very few people who make your soul sing and that includes your life partner.  Those who make you laugh from the bottom of your toes, who will always listen to your woes and who will jump with joy at whatever happiness or achievement you bring to the table are the only ones who deserve your presence.

Stay away from the people who don't make you feel good, but don't hurt them in the "leaving them alone" process.  "I'm busy" is fine.  "You're an unmentionable orifice" is not, the three fingers pointing back as yourself show up.

Finally, I hope you will remember the good times and good things that I taught you and that eventually you'll come to understand that any pain, grief or suffering that I was responsible for is because I'm human too.  I did my best.  Sometimes my best was horribly awful, but sometimes  my best was a whole bunch of fun and laughter.

I've saved every scrap of paper and and the drawings that you made for me.  I still have every photograph from the first day in the hospital and the years in between.  It's not surprising that when I cleaned out my safety deposit box the few items in there included was a note from you thanking me for everything when you were about 7 years old I have tucked away in a safe spot.  For so many years, I thought our relationship was one that had shot the rapids of the generations of passive aggressive or aggressive forefathers, especially when you were 16 and your friends razzed you but you insisted on always giving me a hug and a kiss and saying "I Love You" whenever we said "Goodbye".

I did my best with the circumstances, insight, hard work and intelligence that I had and I hope that somehow you'll find something in this note that will give you a hook to hang on to during your life.  It's the gravy that I've cooked up from the drippings, grease and flour that has been thrown my way in the last 60+ years.

Love, Mom

PS. to the Wise Women, It's not brief, but I think it's good.  I never liked to play by the rules anyway!
12
A friend of mine has recently come through her third bout of breast cancer.  She's not out of the woods yet.  The though of losing her has me thinking that if something were to happen to me, my son would for better or worse not have had a chance to talk to me again or for me to say Goodbye to him. 

I am thinking of putting together a video and leaving it with my will.

Now, what to say.

There is a saying in public speaking "Be Good, Be Brief". 

I'm going to try to whittle down my life experience into 3 lessons or pieces of advice for him.  I'll have to give it some thought, but I thought that maybe the wise ladies here might have some suggestions for me.

What 3 "life lessons" or pieces of advice would you leave to your estranged adult children?  This would be in addition to the sentiments that "this is not the way I thought things would work out".

CP
13
It's been years since I've looked at Facebook, hearing the stories of people who were hurt using electronic media was a "heads up" for me.

CP
14
Footloose, it's not as if I haven't grieved for the loss of the relationship with my son, it felt as if someone had cut out my heart in the early days, weeks and months since the cutoff.  It's been a few years, and this year I had a really good time, for a change.  Yes, we do have to take back as much as we can, whenever we can, however we can.  I know I'm not getting any younger and I need to make the best of all the days I have left.

I also intend to have a great Christmas.......yes, I know it's a bit of a ways away, but I'm going to plan something that takes me away from the Christmas carols and smiling families that reminds me that I'm not one of them.  As the Girl Guides used to say "Be Prepared".

Kudos to you too, Footloose,
CP
15
I want to share with you how I had the best Mother's Day in years.  I found out about a location nearby that had a lovely park.  I went, enjoyed the sunshine, talked to the people with small babies, and did whatever I wanted to do.  I treated myself to a large pizza on the way home and worked on a big project that I love to do.  It was close to midnight when I was finished working and I realized that I had a lot of fun on this particular Mother's Day.  No gifts from anyone, just the gift to myself of 24 hours to do exactly and precisely what I wanted to do. 

The flower sellers, jewelry merchants and gift shops probably love Mother's Day in the same way they love Christmas shoppers.  I say we "Take Back Mother's Day".......and start a movement to go to parks or shelters where homeless families are found.  Give them the gifts you didn't get, the flowers you wish you had received.  While Mother's Day has always been a day for the kids to remember their Moms, I think we should transform it into a day where we take the nurturing, affection and whatever we can afford to improve the lives of some children (and their parents, there is nothing worse than not being able to give your children what they need or want).  I wish I had thought of it yesterday, so today I'm off to make a donation to my local shelter that cares for the Homeless.

Don't dwell on what isn't in your life, make a difference in the life of someone else's children.

CP