Okay, I was going to start a new thread in a few days, but this topic has morphed into what is bugging me - at what point do we quit sucking it up, looking the other way, glossing over things? And when do we talk to DS and say - "hey, what is the deal?"
For background, we have a chilly DIL, and a good relationship with DS, but DIL wants very little to do with us. Very possessive of DS. They live in another city. (full history on earlier threads - won't bore you here). Latest is that DS' grandmother - my darling MIL - died about a month ago.
DIL has ignored this death in the family. DS and DIL were unable to come to the service - too far away, new job, etc. That is just fine. We totally understand, and believe that the important thing is to be kind and loving when the person is alive. Friends, neighbors, other family members sent cards, called, etc to show their support and concern. All grandchildren were supportive, sensitive to their father and GF, whose wife had just died. The only family member who has totally ignored the GM's death is our DIL. I am in disbelief, and deeply hurt. This isn't quite like forgetting a birthday or anniversary. I was stunned she ignored FIL's very serious illness last spring (in hospital for over 2 weeks) - and now his wife has died and no word from DIL. No card, no phone call. Nothing. Don't care that she didn't send flowers or a memorial donation. All we wanted was a card or just handwritten note to either FIL or my husband.
I really don't think I am over-reacting. After all, this is a DEATH of DS's grandmother. I tried to give it plenty of time - i think a month is enough.
Question for all you ladies is -- Do DH and I have a quiet, calm conversation with DS about this? Or do we just suck it up again and say nothing?
Pros of talking to DS are --
Clear the air
Don't have to spend the next 30 years with the elephant in the room.
Perhaps there is an explanation for all the snubs the last 6 years?
Cons of talking to DS are ---
it drives him away from us.
I welcome all thoughts - MIL and DIL. Thank you ladies.
Shelby, why do you expect DIL to do anything about DS's Gma's passing?
She's obviously of the opinion that it wasn't HER Gma, nor was it HER Gpa in the hospital.
I have to say that I feel the same way. I wouldn't go and visit an opposite gender, elderly IL in the hospital without my DH. When GMIL passes, I will encourage DH to go for the funeral and DD and I will go, if it's not too inconvenient. But, I won't send flowers, nor make a donation, nor will I get a card or sign it. It's none of my business. If DH wants any of that done, he's welcome and I certainly won't stop him or hinder him.
And, this is coming from a place where I've had close family die, so I know the feeling of appreciated these gestures are. Before I'd had anyone close to me die, I would not have known.
I don't know Shelby, I don't know why you're so angry at DIL over this. If DS didn't step up, then that's HIS fault. NOT HERS.
Shelby - did your DS call/etc? If he did, perhaps they felt he was doing it on behalf of his family.
When my aunt was very ill (this aunt and uncle have a horrific relationship with their DIL) last year, my cousin would call almost daily for updates. After the scare passed, my aunt and uncle called their son and gave him an earful about his wife not calling herself.
When I visited them in the summer, my CIL was totally angry about this. She said she was often sitting next to her DH as he made the calls, asking for updates, etc, but b/c she wasn't 'close' with them, its not like he'd hand her the phone after he had finished talking so she could say something. Also she's not comfortable with these discussions. So its a tough one.
I think there is something to be said for a "later marriage" where the couple have more maturity and stability. No one can "break" a strong relationship between husband and wife...but/and...it takes time and work to build one, especially when you are young.
Scoop - when DIL's grandfather died, both DIL and DS took a few days off of work and drove 3-4 hours to attend the services. DS had never even met this GF, but he went to show respect and caring - not just for his wife, but the rest of the family, including the widow of the GF that died and DS's MIL, who had lost her father. By your argument, DS should have just sent DIL off by herself to attend GF services. Instead he did what family members do - they participate. They show concern not just for the person they sleep with, but for extended family members. I think that to fail to show any concern - and thinking something like **it's none of my business and I won't do anything myself but I wont stop my husband from doing anything*** is very sad indeed. Very sad. These same grandparents took a much more loving approach when DIL and DS got married. Paid for a bunch of the flowers that DIL had selected -- all to make a lovely evening for the young couple. And when DIL's grandfather died, my DH and i sent cards and a donation to the memorial fund mentioned in the obituary. We never met this GF - but we let the surviving family know we cared for them.
So when they have a baby, do DH and I take position that it's not OUR baby, so no need to send a card or gift? After all, when it wasn't HER GM who died, nothing. I guess I should adopt the same attitude if and when there is a baby. Hey, not our baby - don't expect anything from us?
Aloho - I can understand the CIL not wanting to have a phone conversation with them particularly if she is not close to them. That's why a card is such a simple solution. 44 cents for the stamp, $1.99 for the card. Hallmark writes the message, DIL only has to sign name and has done her duty.. I just think $2.43 to acknowledge a very major, very sad event in the life of her husbands family is not much to ask.
So I take it you two DILs think it's unreasonable for anyone to expect DIL to participate in extending sympathy to family of DS.
I daresay we'll have some other responses. I sure hope so.
shelby :
Did DS acknowledge his GM's passing either by phone or card or anything ?
Perhaps if didn't do any of these things she felt it wasn't her place , just a thought .
However common courtesy , I would have thought should warrant a simple card if nothing else . Especially as she knew
him .
In this case I would have had a go at my Ds for ignoring the death of a beloved Gm . I know some
men are lackadaisical about family birthdays etc , however some respect was due in this case ,
and wasn't shown .
Why not get it out in the open , these things going round and round cause stress and are never resolved .
You have a good relationship with your DS , approach him and tell him how disappointed you are .
Quote from: Shelby on November 03, 2011, 12:28:49 PM
For background, we have a chilly DIL,
Shelby, I think this is your answer. From how you've described her, I think it would have been out of character if she
had reached out. I would take the lack of action on her part as just more confirmation of her indifference to your side of the family. I think what you've gotten out of her in the past is what you'll get out of her in the future so your expectations can end there. If DS disappointed you, talk to him and handle it, but I wouldn't bring up DIL.
However, don't let her lack of interest in your family determine how you'll act as a GM. Just be yourself and let her be herself.
Lancaster - yes DS did acknowledge GM passing. When we were with GF, DS called DH's cell # so he could speak with him (no phone in nursing home room). Plus DS was very good about visiting GF before he moved across the country.
If my DH failed to call or send a card, you'd be darn sure I would, and make sure both names are signed. In our 3 decades of marriage, there have been many occasions DH forgot - including on his side of the family - and I'd make sure that WE sent a card or otherwise acknowledged the event.
I agree it is just a common courtesy.
Thanks, Lancaster. DH and i are discussing whether to surface this with DS. And yes, we are deeply disappointed. Not angry. But deeply disappointed.
Oh, Doe - DS did not disappoint us - except in his choice of a wife. We have tried until we are tired. We only threw in the towel six months ago - after six years of trying only to get the cold shoulder. Thank god they never lived with us. I don't know how some of you take that.
I don't care that they live a thousand miles away. I just don't care anymore.
If DS had mailed a card (to GF? to you and DH?) and signed both his and DIL's name, would that have covered it?
Quote from: Sassy on November 03, 2011, 01:43:37 PM
If DS had mailed a card (to GF? to you and DH?) and signed both his and DIL's name, would that have covered it?
That would have absolutely thrilled both DH and me. :)
Shelby – from the tone of your posts it seems that you have already taken a stance and nothing is going to change your mind, perhaps being a bit more open to how others are viewing situations would be key, perhaps you are too close/involved in this particular situation that you cannot see the other side. You seem to expect very specific things to happen in specific situations. I believe that in this situation if your DIL really did not react in a caring way your DS would say something; you seem to insist that because you and your DH did things one way during a similar situation that you expect the same to be reciprocated from her to you. I think you being upset because she didn't send any message to YOU is a bit ridiculous, as long as she is warm and loving and supportive of her DH and your DS in this situation that is what matters. Not all DILs are quick to adopt their husband's family as their own right off the bat, so perhaps she did not feel close to the one who passed, but I would assume she did console your DS over his loss in private and isn't that what matters. Just because a woman may be 'cold' to others it doesn't mean that she isn't warm and loving in private with those she is close to and comfortable with. I believe I have stated in posts before that I do realize I tend to come off 'standoffish' with my FILs – FDH points it out all of the time – however he also knows that I am just trying to find my niche with his family as they tend to be quite different from mine; it is not that I do not like them, I just haven't found my comfort level with them.
Quote from: MoonChild on November 03, 2011, 02:06:41 PM
I think you being upset because she didn't send any message to YOU is a bit ridiculous, as long as she is warm and loving and supportive of her DH and your DS in this situation that is what matters. Not all DILs are quick to adopt their husband's family as their own right off the bat, so perhaps she did not feel close to the one who passed, but I would assume she did console your DS over his loss in private and isn't that what matters. Just because a woman may be 'cold' to others it doesn't mean that she isn't warm and loving in private with those she is close to and comfortable with. . . . . . it is not that I do not like them, I just haven't found my comfort level with them.
Moon - I am not upset she did not send any message to ME. I am deeply saddened there was no message of concern to either my FIL, who lost a wife, or my DH, who lost a mother. I do not consider my reaction to be ridiculous, and frankly resent such name-calling from you.
I too assume she consoled DS - but that is NOT the ONLY thing that matters - as he is not the only one who suffered a loss.
No, not all DILs are quick to adopt their husband's families - but an awful lot of them are quick to borrow cars, ask for favors, even MOVE IN, for heaven's sake. If a DIL can do any of those, a little note and a 44 cent stamp isn't much in return.
And I don't think it takes much of a comfort level to exhibit the common courtesy of sending condolences.
Who was it that said - on another thread - that there is a great divide? Wow
Just interjecting here that we offer our points of view rather than judging anyone. If we can stick the the "I" statements and stay away from the "You" ones...that's what works best. Sending love...
Quote from: Shelby on November 03, 2011, 01:50:30 PM
Quote from: Sassy on November 03, 2011, 01:43:37 PM
If DS had mailed a card (to GF? to you and DH?) and signed both his and DIL's name, would that have covered it?
That would have absolutely thrilled both DH and me. :)
So there it is. DS fell down on the job. My question is why are you (as it seems, perhaps I'm wrong) more upset with DIL?
I think it's nice you did things for your DH when he forgot. But times are changing in this area, women generally do not go into marriages to be the social secretary. I'm not saying whether it's right or wrong, that's another topic, it is what is now.
However, now that this is how it is the ball was clearly in your DS lap and he dropped it. Directing your disappointment/upset towards DIL seems counter-productive. I can't even think of a plausible solution to having a conversation about this with either your DS or DIL (regarding why DIL didn't acknowledge the death.)
When a more productive conversation would be why DS did not.
Quote from: Shelby on November 03, 2011, 01:32:56 PM
I don't care that they live a thousand miles away. I just don't care anymore.
I hear ya, sista. 8)
I don't understand why my son chose a part-time shrew to marry and I'm glad that they are a long way away.
QuoteIf my DH failed to call or send a card, you'd be darn sure I would, and make sure both names are signed.
Quote QuoteIf DS had mailed a card (to GF? to you and DH?) and signed both his and DIL's name, would that have covered it?.
That would have absolutely thrilled both DH and me.
I think it would have been great if DS, knowing his wife's behavior as well as he does, would have been willing to step up and follow the kind of spousal behavior that was modeled for him.
What did luise write in that one thread? Something along the lines of - when you learn that others are the way they are, and accept it, you'll find more peace? Am I totally off?
I think that applies here - Shelby expected her DIL to do something, but it seems that is simply not in DIL's character.
I don't know that there is an obligation either. If the relationship is chilly at best, you're expecting her to do something out of her character (I think this is what Luise said? She said it so much better then I am expressing here darn it!)
I'm thinking about when my DH's GM died. I lit candles in our house and put her photos out and we had a little service in our house just the two of us. We couldn't attend because we are so far away. DH talked to his father several times that week. He did so privately in the bedroom as he was having a moment(s) with his Dad. I didn't interfere.
DH sent a card and signed it from both of us. He also sent flowers on behalf of us. But I never spoke to my FIL or MIL. I supported my DH.
They called to thank us for the card and flowers. Again spoke to DH.
So there it is - they weren't upset with me. And I don't think I did anything wrong. I supported my husband, who in turn supported his family.
When my family member died I really had no expectation from the IL's either.
I think the Luise quote (I keep a lot of them handy) you may be thinking of is this:
QuoteI once had a situation where, when I looked closely at it, I could see that the other person would have to be someone else to comply. I just had to let it go and move on because I actually wanted him to be somebody else.
[/size]
That's the one! ;D
Quote from: pam1 on November 03, 2011, 02:48:12 PM
Quote from: Shelby on November 03, 2011, 01:50:30 PM
Quote from: Sassy on November 03, 2011, 01:43:37 PM
If DS had mailed a card (to GF? to you and DH?) and signed both his and DIL's name, would that have covered it?
That would have absolutely thrilled both DH and me. :)
So there it is. DS fell down on the job. My question is why are you (as it seems, perhaps I'm wrong) more upset with DIL?
I think it's nice you did things for your DH when he forgot. But times are changing in this area, women generally do not go into marriages to be the social secretary. I'm not saying whether it's right or wrong, that's another topic, it is what is now.
However, now that this is how it is the ball was clearly in your DS lap and he dropped it. Directing your disappointment/upset towards DIL seems counter-productive. I can't even think of a plausible solution to having a conversation about this with either your DS or DIL (regarding why DIL didn't acknowledge the death.)
When a more productive conversation would be why DS did not.
Pam - DS did NOT fall down on the job. You missed earlier posts where I made it clear he had been attentive to his grandfather. Please use correct facts. And I certainly don't expect the woman to be the social secretary. If DS had sent a card to which he had signed both of their names, it would certainly have covered for DIL. However, DS doesn't need to COVER for his wife unless she is lacking in polite behavior.
Quote from: Doe on November 03, 2011, 02:53:20 PM
Quote from: Shelby on November 03, 2011, 01:32:56 PM
I don't care that they live a thousand miles away. I just don't care anymore.
I hear ya, sista. 8)
I don't understand why my son chose a part-time shrew to marry and I'm glad that they are a long way away.
Quote from: Doe on November 03, 2011, 02:53:20 PM
Quote from: Shelby on November 03, 2011, 01:32:56 PM
I don't care that they live a thousand miles away. I just don't care anymore.
I hear ya, sista. 8)
I don't understand why my son chose a part-time shrew to marry and I'm glad that they are a long way away.
Doe - Thanks. I needed that. More than you know.
Hugs, Shelby
How'd you get so lucky? My eldest son married a full time shrew...
(Just trying to lighten this up a little...but...it's true.)
QuoteHowever, DS doesn't need to COVER for his wife unless she is lacking in polite behavior. [/size]
DS was raised with polite behavior. DS is aware DIL can be lacking in that kind of polite behavior. Or at least lacking in the kind of behavior he, as your son, knows would make you (or his DF, or GF) feel good. He
did need to cover for his wife. DS didn't do what
he needed to do to meet the expectations. Expectations I expect he was far more aware of than DIL was.
Quote from: amflautist on November 03, 2011, 11:32:41 AM
Quote from: Pen on November 03, 2011, 09:36:36 AM
DS & I have always been fine. He calls, texts, visits & invites us to meet up when DIL is otherwise engaged. DH & I rarely instigate a meet up. DIL's FOO is overbearing, bossy and belittling, but they are inked in solid on DIL's (& therefore DS's) social calendar while mellow DH & I go about our business grateful for dribs and drabs. We defend DS/DIL's marriage and support it, so it would never come down to a choice for DS between his DW & his FOO. (I'm not sure DIL knows that we refused to dump on DIL with DS when he came here angry & frustrated by DIL's treatment of us. We told him she was his priority now & he had to work it out with her. I understood that might have been the last time I saw my DS, but it was the honorable thing to do.)
I guess DH & I should have been more forceful in promoting our FOO from the start, but it's not our style. We thought we'd be appreciated more for backing off. Oops! Our loss, DIL's FOO's gain. I'm wiser now, but alas have no more sons, lol.
Pen, you seem to have changed in this post. Previously I have always heard that you thought it best to not rock the boat, to not discuss with DS the unequal treatment you receive. I have taken a lot of cues from you, because my situation with DS is almost the same as yours. Are you rethinking your hands-off approach?
AM, I'm still not ready to discuss our unequal treatment. I'm a big ol' chicken when it somes to self-advocacy. I have three jobs around DS & DIL: 1) don't cry 2)don't bring up problems & 3) don't talk about my needs or desires.
I'm thinking I should have planned more family activities that included DS & DIL. I should have filled up a more equal amount of time on their calendar & in their memory banks. I could have given DS family photos, nicely framed. We didn't do that because we were backing off and letting the newlyweds make their own way. What we didn't realize was that DIL's FOO would ooze into that vacuum and completely take over.
Now that I see this in writing I realize that may not have worked either. We couldn't have competed w/ the ILs financially, and the comparison between our activities and theirs would have been laughable. But I could have tried harder to put together camping trips, hikes, gallery crawls, beach days, etc. Perhaps DS would have enjoyed doing that stuff again. Maybe it's not too late?
Quote from: luise.volta on November 03, 2011, 04:25:29 PM
How'd you get so lucky? My eldest son married a full time shrew...
(Just trying to lighten this up a little...but...it's true.)
:D Luise - you make me laugh.
I think this must be a slow news day since we are chewing on this topic so thoroughly. We're like a cable news channel sometimes!
Shelby, I think if my son starts talking to me again, I'll ask him to act as interpreter between DIL and me. He seems to understand both our languages. He doesn't need to take sides, just translate.
I understand being hurt that your DH and FIL did not receive condolences. I have been there.
Without going into details, I have lost several people very close to me. For what is worth, the only time I was ever actually hurt by someone not sending condolences to me, was by someone I considered quite close. Someone who at least pretended to care about me, for years and years. Looking back, I understand that it was simply not in her to go to a dark place with me, even for a moment, even to offer comfort. It was too painful for her, for her own reasons. I have come to accept she has her limits just like the rest of us. I'm not going to be expanding her limits of what she's willing to give to me.
It's rather like trying to wrestle an apology out of someone. What's the point if they don't want to give one? Apologies, condolences...sharing deep feelings mean nothing if they're not authentic. It becomes a farce. A show. And one that I'm directing no less? I'll save us all the dog and pony show, and I'll save myself he expectations of thoughtfulness for those I feel really do give half a hoot about me.
I understand condolences weren't expected for yourself, but for DH and FIL. After six years of chilly, DH and FIL are most likely already very aware they're not close, at all, to DIL. I can't purport to speak for them, naturally, only myself. Maybe charades of caring from the otherwise uncaring do something for them that they just don't for me. But I do hope you can find some comfort in that expectations for support and attention do tend to be very limited with people one has shared mainly chilly exchanges with.
Quote from: Shelby on November 03, 2011, 04:12:59 PM
Quote from: pam1 on November 03, 2011, 02:48:12 PM
Quote from: Shelby on November 03, 2011, 01:50:30 PM
Quote from: Sassy on November 03, 2011, 01:43:37 PM
If DS had mailed a card (to GF? to you and DH?) and signed both his and DIL's name, would that have covered it?
That would have absolutely thrilled both DH and me. :)
So there it is. DS fell down on the job. My question is why are you (as it seems, perhaps I'm wrong) more upset with DIL?
I think it's nice you did things for your DH when he forgot. But times are changing in this area, women generally do not go into marriages to be the social secretary. I'm not saying whether it's right or wrong, that's another topic, it is what is now.
However, now that this is how it is the ball was clearly in your DS lap and he dropped it. Directing your disappointment/upset towards DIL seems counter-productive. I can't even think of a plausible solution to having a conversation about this with either your DS or DIL (regarding why DIL didn't acknowledge the death.)
When a more productive conversation would be why DS did not.
Pam - DS did NOT fall down on the job. You missed earlier posts where I made it clear he had been attentive to his grandfather. Please use correct facts. And I certainly don't expect the woman to be the social secretary. If DS had sent a card to which he had signed both of their names, it would certainly have covered for DIL. However, DS doesn't need to COVER for his wife unless she is lacking in polite behavior.
Quote from: Doe on November 03, 2011, 02:53:20 PM
Quote from: Shelby on November 03, 2011, 01:32:56 PM
I don't care that they live a thousand miles away. I just don't care anymore.
I hear ya, sista. 8)
I don't understand why my son chose a part-time shrew to marry and I'm glad that they are a long way away.
I read all your posts. I disagree with you. It was up to your son to send condolences for his family members and sign his families name to it. IMO, the disappointment is being directed in the wrong direction.
It's easier to blame those not close to us for our hurt feelings rather than people that are close to us. It's a lot easier for me to blame MIL when really DH made a boo boo.
This is getting a little weird for me. If I was a new person to the forum and had gotten this kind of response to my question, I would never have come back.
Can we take Luise's advice and lighten up?
D - Whenever it starts to feel like that...move over to another subject.
I split this topic, thanks for pointing it out the drift Doe. Although I will say the OP in the previous thread did express appreciation for the many thoughts of the conversation.
This is a "take what you want and leave the rest" forum. As long as the Forum Agreement is being adhered to topics can be discussed, especially when they are specifically brought up. That is what WWU is for. If the conversation is not to your liking, please move on. If you feel it violates the Forum Agreement please use the report button to alert the mods.
It is unfair to bring a topic up and then try to control the responses/opinions of fellow posters when they disagree with you. From my understanding Luise never intended to create WWU as a one sided, vent away forum. There are many, many places out there like that and it's not hard to find one. But it's hard to find a place like here. It is a place to explore difference in opinions and experiences and as Luise, I and other mods have received numerous thanks in emails/on the board (Luise especially) I'd say Luise's vision and approach are working for some.
For some it will not work, but the policies and overall vision of the board are not changing for a select few.
As a disclaimer, this post is not directed to any one poster in particular but to the board as a whole. We've had a few similar incidents lately. So please, again use your report button if you feel something violates the Forum Agreement. Skip a thread if it is not to your liking b/c there are those who will find a lot of information and enlightenment from what another might find uncomfortable.
QuoteI'm thinking I should have planned more family activities that included DS & DIL. I should have filled up a more equal amount of time on their calendar & in their memory banks.
Pen - I tried this. So, instead of our DS and now ex-DIL (plus the children) spending more time with us, they came up with excuses to spend less time with us. Our ex-DIL felt we were "interfering". One year the only time I asked them to a family event was Christmas (I was open to any day or afternoon or evening in the entire month). That year they spent a week with the IL's - and they live less than 20 miles away. But, our DS did object a bit - and they stopped in for a few minutes on Christmas Day while en route to the IL's - (probably the grandchildren wanted their gifts). I cried for weeks over this one. I really believe when you are wanted "out" of the family, you will be - if not physically, then mentally. But, as I stated earlier, our DIL is now our ex-DIL. As Dr. Phil says - if you treat some one badly, it will come back to bite you in the "end" (and I suspect there is a double meaning to "end").
In a previous posting I mentioned this process has been going on for generations - it definitely is in my husband's side of the family (they just do not interact with the maternal side and it has been occurring for generations). But, as children and young adults, we might "see" it but not really "get" it. The only solution I see is to "just get on with your life" and "count your blessing while doing it".
jdtm, that is so sad. I know logically why some people make their choices but my heart still says why? Why turn down love and caring? But you did try with them and that counts for a lot in my books.
Alienation of family is what brought me to these boards. When DH and I decided to start a family, I realized our troubled history with my IL's may get worse as we had kids, and I really would like to try and prevent that. Sometimes I talk to MIL and I get so angry. I think I'm able to handle her comments that I don't like because they're directed at me. But I know when it comes to my kids I'll have zero tolerance.
My wake up call was seeing my dad interact with my nephew. My BIL was at the house, (sisters husband) and my dad jokingly called my nephew a 'wimp.' BIL grimaced and rolled his eyes but didn't say anything. Everyone else in the room laughed (nephew was too little to understand) at a typical comment - joking comment - from my Dad. We're all used to his way of talking.
I thought to myself - if my Dad says that to my kid, I'd roll my eyes and explain to my child that grandpa's teasing and ignore him (or tease him back - that's how things work in my family's culture - a lot of teasing). But how would I react if FIL or MIL said the same thing to my kid? I knew right away. I would go nuts. Probably cut them off. But my dad would get only an eye roll.
When I realized what a massive double standard that was I started wondering why. Our history played a huge role - MIL has said a lot of things over the years to intentionally be mean - while my father has never said something insulting to my DH.
But when I started talking to MIL again after our three year cut off, I was determined to at least attempt a fresh start. Part of that was coming to forums like this, talking to MIL and reading their stories, trying to get their POV. I don't always agree, and sometimes no matter how hard I try I just don't understand 'the other side' of the argument. But I want my kids to have a good relationship with their grandparents, and I want them to see US having a good relationship with them, so I'll keep trying.
Shelby, I get where you are coming from completely. Please let me know if I'm close. You take your DIL's reaction as a clear sign that DH's family has no importance in her life, none of you matter to her, while you have probably struggled since DS married her to accommodate HER needs. You're angry and I don't blame you one bit. I would quite frankly at this point hear her and act accordingly.
I would however NOT complain to DS. putting him in the middle is never the way to go. Just realize you will never get anything from your DIL and stop expecting it. She is not worth the energy. Continue to be loving and supportive to DS. I really think some DIL's promote conflicts in order to force men to choose between them and their FOO, don't fall into the trap. :o
Quote from: alohomora on November 04, 2011, 09:33:25 AM
But when I started talking to MIL again after our three year cut off, I was determined to at least attempt a fresh start. Part of that was coming to forums like this, talking to MIL and reading their stories, trying to get their POV. I don't always agree, and sometimes no matter how hard I try I just don't understand 'the other side' of the argument. But I want my kids to have a good relationship with their grandparents, and I want them to see US having a good relationship with them, so I'll keep trying.
Good on you alohomora, peacemaker!
@Shelby - I'm sure there is some miscommunication somewhere.
You said:
"yes DS did acknowledge GM passing. When we were with GF, DS called DH's cell # so he could speak with him (no phone in nursing home room). Plus DS was very good about visiting GF before he moved across the country."
I'm sure this message was from the both of them, as I'm positive that your DIL is uncomfortable around your family, hence her "chilly-ness" so I'm betting 99% of the communication is through your DS.
When my grandpa passed away my MIL showed up to the viewing and I was furious. She had only met him once and she and I both knew/know we don't like each other. How could she spend the last 1 1/2 years talking crap about me to my own DH(her DS) and then show up to support me at my grandpa's funeral?? That's not gonna fly. I personally think she showed up to display to everyone else what a caring MIL she is, which just showed me how low she'll stoop. It was definitely awkward and we both knew it, which is why I'm sure she didn't show up to my grandma's viewing 6 weeks later. She had no business being there. She didn't know him at all & she was not related to him.
I'm sure she is giving her DH comfort and empathy which is why he doesn't have a problem with her behavior. She's giving her DH support and that's all that should matter. She's showing her respects by helping her DH grieve. I'm also sure that through your DIL's eyes there will be no elephant in the room. This is something that you are going to have to work through yourself. You are letting your DIL consume your thoughts and she doesn't even know it.
Just a note here...many people over the past couple of years have come here to this forum and just vented. I see nothing wrong with that. This is still a one of a kind forum..venting included.
Shelby was looking for agreement from her point of view.I don't think she was looking for a another one. I don't believe she was trying to control the responses she received. I don't believe she was looking to change anyones mind just validating about how she feels.
I personally agree with her.
Just my opinion.
I agree RR - I hope we haven't lost her for good!
Me either Doe, I appreciated her posts so much.
Sometimes..I think we must look at what we post and think about how a person might feel about a response.
Shelby: I read through the posts about this and my initial thought was that nothing is going to bring back those dear ones who have passed. I can relate to what you say because of a similar situation with my DS and his own GM.
It seems like there has been a lot of loss for you and now this (6 year) conflict and the absence of a card from DS and DIL put the frosting on the cake. These are such complicated issues when they involve love, loss and so many family dynamics. It sounds like your DS loved your GP and respected them. I would hold dear to that, maybe plan something with DS (and DIL if she chooses) where you could honor the GP with something special like ballons or a collection of photos with some stories attached for your DS.. You don't have to be together but could coordinate times. Something to unite you instead of divide you. I know my DS loved his GM so much but it is difficult for him to acknowledge feelings so he withdraws, and my DIL never does anything at all for me or for any of my family...she leaves that all to DS, who often is "forgetful." I have had to let go my expectations. My DIL is very thick with her family but would never think to send a card to any of us for any reason. When I was married it was our unspoken rule that if cards were going to be sent I would have to be the one who did it and guilt always pushed me to comply. My DS and DD do not have those same rules in their families which used to (and sometimes still does) cause me anxiety. But I have stopped signing their names to funeral flowers or cards (they are in their 40s, good grief!!) :D. Peace to you and your family...
Shelby, You sound very upset over your DS/DIL but they are adults and responsible for their own behavior. You need not be embarrassed over anything they do or don't do because you have no control over them. I think your son is too old to have a talking to. It is hard letting go and letting them be who they are, especially when we think that they are wrong.
Love is what enables us to bridge the gap of disappointment when others don't live up to the expectations we have of them. - Abigail Van Buren