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Problem Solving => Grandchildren => Topic started by: cpr on April 29, 2012, 01:03:16 PM

Title: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: cpr on April 29, 2012, 01:03:16 PM
Hello WW-

I am at a loss with my MIL and her actions with my child. As I can see from the many stories here, her actions have followed a well known pattern. She was most fond of me and appeared most anxious for my DH to propose, once he did she decided she hated me and did all she could to run me off. Now that we have a child I see the baby being involved and I am aghast that a Grandmother could act this way!

She has only asked to see our baby 3 times in the past year. We live less than 10 minutes away as do her other GC. She sees her other GC frequently, often daily in fact. When we first had little one (LO) I attempted to initiate visits so LO would know his GP. It was always a hassle. Every visit would take approximately 3 phone calls and an email from me before she would reply. Then when I would get there FIL wouldn't be there as MIL was not telling him I was bringing LO. One day DH stopped by and all he heard for the entire 30 minutes he was there was how uncomfortable she was with my visits. So I told her that I would not bring him over anymore unless invited, but told her that she could call any time she wished to see LO. 2 months pass w/o an invite.

Then there is a family function and all she can do is tell everyone how hurt she is that 'she isn't allowed to see that baby' and talk about how awful I am! I again approach her (after the function) and tell her that I would never keep her GC from her and that DH and I are very hurt that she doesn't seem to want anything to do with LO. I tell her again that she can see LO everyday if she so wishes, just call and let me know. It has now been over three weeks and once again...no phone call.

She is telling everyone that will listen that I won't let her see her GC and the reality is I am BEGGING her to take an interest in LO. Now strangers are talking about what a horrible person I am and approaching DH as well as myself. I don't want a public airing of our family affairs, but I am at a loss here!

She refuses to put up photographs or accept photographs of our LO as well, though her entire house is covered with photographs of her other GC. I suspect that she is telling people that I will not give her any, though I have tried now on multiple occasions. I actually had one of the family members tell me I should give MIL some photographs and completely overcome with frustration I blurted out, "But I have! She won't take them or put them up." Then teared up. I was mortified, but the family member looked shocked. She stuttered something about how that couldn't be right.

LO is too small to see this now, but I worry about how it will make LO feel when it becomes apparent in not too many years that GM loves the cousins and the cousin's family, but not us.   :(

I also worry that people will approach LO and say that "Grandma wants to see you, but your Mommy won't let her."

How do I get her to stop? If she doesn't want to see us I won't go, but I can't keep silently standing there as strangers tell me what a bad mother I am for keeping a grandchild from a grandmother.

DH is completely depressed about the whole situation as he never thought this would happen. He feels that the whole thing is hopeless, yet he feels guilty if we do not keep going through the motion. The motions are just making us feel worse! I don't know what to do. My FOO always welcomed ILs so I have no help from them.
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: Pen on April 29, 2012, 02:48:58 PM
Cpr, I'm so sorry you & your family are going through this. I don't know what to say, it seems to be an absurd situation. From what you say, your MIL must derive pleasure from getting sympathy from others for her outright lies. Until she can't get anyone to buy into her stories I don't see how she'll be motivated to stop. One would think that her love for a GC would override this ridiculous need for attention, so I'm baffled. Many of the GMs here would walk through hot coals to see their GC!
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: Pooh on April 30, 2012, 09:22:27 AM
Oh wow cpr.  I'm so sorry.  What a horrible position to be in.  I also see where everyone is believing her because she's so involved with the other GC, how could she not be telling the truth.

Do you know what her reasons for "hating" you are, after the proposal?  Not that any of it is true, just curious if she has made her reasons known to DS or you.
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: lancaster lady on April 30, 2012, 09:43:26 AM
CPR :

I would love to see you every day if you were my DIL !

Perhaps she can't believe the fact that she has a wonderful DIL , why she wants to make out she's a martyr
I've no idea .
Just back off and keep busy , perhaps that's the way to make her interested .
Maybe DH could pay a visit and ask WHY .
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: Doe on April 30, 2012, 12:03:54 PM
Quote from: lancaster lady on April 30, 2012, 09:43:26 AM
Just back off and keep busy , perhaps that's the way to make her interested .

Great advice!

I would be honest all around - if people say you aren't letting her see GC, tell them the truth.  Mechanically, maybe you could email photos to everyone with a CC to GM so that it's obvious to everyone that she is included. 

When LO gets a little older you can explain that GM is a little senile (nutty) and sometimes can't figure out what reality is so don't expect a lot out of her.   Meanwhile, surround LO with your FOO if at all possible so that he doesn't have time to miss your MIL!   

I can attest that if a GP isn't interested, there isn't much you can do to make them interested (I tried for years).  Just do what you need to do to fulfill your own expectations of yourself, for yourself.
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: cpr on April 30, 2012, 12:45:20 PM
Thanks WW.

As to why she decide to hate me, uh, well that's a great question. I don't have a mother anymore and when we started planning the wedding I called MIL and mentioned some plans I was thinking of and asked her to help me choose a date. I also asked her when I started looking at venues if she would like to go with me. One day she just went off on me. She called me some very ugly names and went on a rant. Something I had never even thought she was capable of before that. Fortunately DH was sitting beside me at the time or he would not have believed me. He called her about 30 minutes after we got off of the phone and asked why she would do that. She lied and said she had not. He then informed her that he had heard the entire thing. Then she changed her tune and cried. She said she was sorry (to him) and said she would call me right away. He told her not to as he knew I was most likely still crying. So she sent a half-hearted 'apology' email telling me she should have kept her opinions of me to herself. Two weeks before this she had been the woman that loved everything about me and told DH he would never find anyone else as great as me and that HE was lucky to be marrying me. After that it was just a constant barrage of hate.

The thing is DH had always felt like the black sheep of the family. I was the one that got him to start visiting them again. By the time we got engaged we were going over there for dinner at least once a week, I had been talking to DH about bringing MIL on vacation with us the following year as we were going somewhere she had always wanted to go and I was super excited about joining their family, not just marrying DH but becoming a part of their family.

His brother did tell him that she had done the same thing with his wife when they married years ago, but that she had calmed down. With me she has just continued to up the ante. It's very upsetting.

DH has tried on multiple occasions to talk to her about this. It does no good. She refuses to acknowledge there is an issue. She always calls me right before a big holiday or family gathering saying that she wants things to be different and that she is willing to try. Then she will be ugly (when no one is near) at said holiday or gathering then ignore me once the holiday or gathering has passed.

I've tried backing off - she just uses it against me whenever she does see me ("well, you never call ME!")
I've tried being the bigger person - she is just mean and ignores me
I've tried speaking to her directly - she tells everyone that I "attacked" her and then once again I'm awful
I've tried washing my hands of her - I am once again the bad guy and she has 'no idea' why I 'hate' her

It really seems that she is getting more pleasure from seeing others dislike me than from the sympathy she garners. I just don't know what to do. I hate the idea of having everyone know about this, but I am so sick of being the 'horrible mean DIL'.
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: lancaster lady on April 30, 2012, 01:41:47 PM
This sounds to me like a power struggle , she is yanking your chain big time .
She knows what she is doing and seems to enjoy doing it .
I wouldn't dance to her tune any more , do not acknowledge her at all , and if she ignores
you , well so be it .
I would bet she will soon come looking to see where her ''playmate'' has gone  .
Refuse to interact in any way until she treats you like a human being .
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: Pooh on April 30, 2012, 02:59:00 PM
I agree.  It sounds like she is getting "attention" by playing the whoa is me card with everyone else.  Let her play go fish by herself.  I know that's hard because you hate the lies she's telling, but the only way to deal with a liar is give them enough rope.  They'll hang themselves eventually.
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: Doe on April 30, 2012, 03:46:10 PM
Quote from: Pooh on April 30, 2012, 02:59:00 PM
I agree.  It sounds like she is getting "attention" by playing the whoa is me card with everyone else. 

Whoa...
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: Pooh on April 30, 2012, 03:59:52 PM
Oh dang it Doe!

WHOA = WOE

Ha ha ha
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: Doe on April 30, 2012, 05:10:21 PM
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: Vasilisa on April 30, 2012, 05:33:09 PM
She sounds mentally ill. Normal people can be real jerks, but this is just weird.
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: NewMama on April 30, 2012, 06:02:25 PM
Some people just love the drama and playing the victim and the attention that comes with it. I wouldn't hold back if people are saying things to you about keeping the GCs from her. I think that'd make my head explode if someone said that to me. What a terrible situation for you.

Where is your DH in all this? Has he talked to her about it?
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: cpr on April 30, 2012, 07:19:01 PM
DH has talked to her repeatedly for years now. He's at the point where he just avoids his entire family because of the situation with his mother. They have all told him to leave me repeatedly, even going so far as to speak to an attorney when they found out I was pregnant. They wanted to make sure that DH would 'have a case' should he want to leave before I had the baby! She told DH that they would be more than happy to cover any 'relocation expenses' if I would take the baby and leave the state. He is broken hearted about the entire thing. I would have given up long ago, but DH is crushed at the thought of loosing his FOO forever and it really seems that that is where we are now.

:(
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: lancaster lady on May 01, 2012, 01:14:55 AM
Time for your DH to make choices IMHO . It would be interesting to see inside that case file against you ! For goodness sake , sounds like he belongs to a mafia family . I would relocate , and take DH with you . She sounds like poison.
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: NewMama on May 01, 2012, 02:08:33 AM
I think if a situation gets to the point of being that toxic, you need to circle the wagons and protect your own family. IMHO, cutting off a FOO should always be a last resort, but you're tried to fix it and she's not cooperating. I don't think you should ever tolerate someone badmouthing you to your kids, ever. I know your child is still a baby, but the potential for her to do that is there. Is your DH open to some counseling? It may help him figure out how to detach.
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: Vasilisa on May 01, 2012, 07:18:42 AM
This isn't just about the baby, either. You do not deserve to be treated this way. This is beyond putting up with a MIL's annoying mannerisms and a personality that clashes with yours, it is outrageous abuse that you shouldn't have to submit to even if she were being the best grandma in the world. Which she obviously isn't going to be.

You know, I was blessed with lovely grandparents and I'm glad I had them, but in general grandparents are not the most important people in a child's life -- parents and siblings are first, then friends tend to be. Of course it is enriching and wonderful to have a childhood filled with loving extended family, but if you don't have it, I don't think it's the end of the world, especially if you have caring parents. Your son likely will not miss what he's never known. On the other hand, if he is continuously exposed to people who judge and reject his mother and are not interested in him, that will hurt him.

I just can't believe that people are such judgmental busybodies that they are coming up to you out of the blue to tell you how horrible you are. Anyone with a speck of maturity should realize that there are two sides to every story and that even if you were the Queen of Mean they wouldn't help matters by charging up to you and giving you what-for. I am so angry for you that you have to deal with that!
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: jdtm on May 01, 2012, 09:01:15 AM
QuoteYou know, I was blessed with lovely grandparents and I'm glad I had them, but in general grandparents are not the most important people in a child's life -- parents and siblings are first, then friends tend to be.

This is where the problems start.  As parents, our children are foremost in our lives.  Then, when our adult children get married, we don't count anymore.  So, after our children putting us "first" (or second or third or even fourth) for many years; in a blink of an eye, we become tossed on the garbage heap. Sometimes, not even a "Happy Mother's Day", let alone a birthday or Christmas greeting.  This is especially true if one has a son(s).  It is so difficult to go from being "special" to being "invisible", and that is why some of us "fight back".  If only someone told us years ago to help prepare us ...
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: Pen on May 01, 2012, 09:37:03 AM
So true, Jdtm. Very well put. Those of us who valued our relationships w/our GPs never imagine we'll be considered obsolete by our AC. Shocking when it happens!

IMO, Ps need to model and promote good relationships between DC & GPs. My Ps taught me to value my GPs and other older relatives. We weren't told to retreat when they visited; we were encouraged to listen to their stories and learn about history through them. That knowledge served us well when we studied bygone eras, social movements, wars, economics, politics, etc. in school. I felt like an important part of the FOO, sitting around  talking w/the grown ups. Those discussions are my fondest FOO memories.
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: Vasilisa on May 01, 2012, 10:28:13 AM
All that is true in a normal situation. The OP is dealing with someone who is either severely personality disordered or uncommonly vicious, so fun times with Grandma are unlikely to happen on that side of the family.

I am shocked that sons with loving mothers neglect that relationship when they grow up. I have no insights since I have never, literally never had a close relationship with a man who had had a normal mother/son relationship.
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: Vasilisa on May 01, 2012, 10:35:22 AM
By the way, my comment that GPs aren't usually the most important people in a child's life was not meant to be a comment on how important parents should be to an adult child. I refer to my own maternal GM, who had a definite hierarchy in her affections: first my GP, then her children, then her GC. I loved my GM and know she loved me, but neither of us got each other's first or even second best love and I think we were both the happier for it.

I don't mean that to knock anyone's pain in getting left out altogether, though, or only getting crumbs after giving your all.
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: Pooh on May 01, 2012, 11:44:41 AM
I think in a some-what normal situation, that is true as well.  I say some-what, because honestly, who's family tree isn't full of a few nuts?  We learn to deal with those few in whatever way.  I also think the family dynamics set up the priority order.  Mine would have been, my parents, my GPs and then my siblings.  Simply because there is 10 years difference in my brother and I, and my GP's helped raise me due to divorce, etc...so I was very close to them.  Sibling and I love each other, but were not that close as children because of the age difference. 

I actually had both sides going.  One set of GPS's that were like second parents, and the other set was never involved.  I miss my loving set every day, but don't miss the other side, because I never knew them.  So I do think that GPs can be very good for GC but I also think they are not required.  Each dynamic is different.

In this case, GM is toxic and verbally abusive.  She's using the family to promote her cause and I would start using the words, "This is our problem.  I refuse to gossip about MIL.  I so wish everyone else felt the same" and walk off.  Family members that are helping try to instigate a divorce don't deserve a response and are going to talk anyway, no matter what you say.
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: Scoop on May 01, 2012, 12:01:56 PM
I think it's 'telling' that CPR's DH didn't have much of a relationship with his M, prior to getting married.  I encouraged the relationship between DH and MIL too, until I realized that neither party appreciated it.  I've taken a huge step back, and sadly they've let the relationship settle to a very low level.  Oh well, not my problem, not my fault.

I know that MIL talks about us and badmouths us to anyone and everyone who'll listen.  Honestly, I don't care.  If these other people can't be bothered to make up their own minds about us, instead of just blindly relying on MIL's 'stories', then they're not anyone I need to worry about.

At first SIL would listen to MIL (her Mom) and then try and call us on the carpet for what we allegedly said about her.  The funny part is that this totally blew up in MIL's face.  We told SIL straight out to please consider the source.  That MIL talks smack about her too, but we don't believe a lick of it, and could she please give us the same courtesy.  Since then, SIL and I have been particularly close.

So CPR, drop the rope.  You can't win, so stop playing.  Step back.  Stop JADE-ing (justify, argue, defend, explain).  Let MIL talk smack to whomever she wants to, if they're foolish enough to BELIEVE her, then they can go push a rope.
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: Vasilisa on May 01, 2012, 12:28:18 PM
Been thinking. Although I have many years ahead of me before I have to worry about being someone's MIL, I do understand a lot of what the MILs here are saying about being high on the son's priority list and then getting scrapped when he marries. I understand that hurt because something similar happened to me when I had a baby. I used to be interesting and intelligent, had friends, did things, was looked at, spoken to, conversed with. I was friends with my SIL and my MIL was nice to me. Then I had a baby and everything completely changed. I got kicked off a couple of committees because those in charge decided I couldn't commit to them if I had a baby to take care of. My friends (all single folk) stopped coming over because they "knew you must be so busy with that baby". Nobody ever looked at me anymore, they looked only at the baby, anyone who came over was coming to see the baby, no one talked to me except about baby stuff, and my in-laws started the sneering, snubbing, and punishing, all the while expecting me to be available whenever they wanted something (namely access to baby). Yeah, I know how it feels to go from being a worthwhile human being who people like to being the stupid, boring bag who does everything wrong and nobody wants to see. I do feel for you ladies and will try to remember that in the midst of my anti-MIL feelings.
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: Pooh on May 01, 2012, 01:06:23 PM
It is hard for anyone to have someone important in their lives that suddenly drops them.   It hurts, no matter what the situation.  Your situation with your MIL is definately a hard one to be in and I don't get her.
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: pam1 on May 02, 2012, 11:38:27 AM
cpr, we have gone through similar here.  I was bewildered, I would even give MIL suggestions she could do with DD but to find out she was running around telling anyone who would listen that I was keeping her from DD!  it is very, very weird and unsettling. 

It was one thing when she was just telling stories about me (although that added up and I got fed up with that too) but WHY drag a child into it?  And it lead me to think that I couldn't trust her not to do this nasty mess with my child either.  She would speak about other children with such disdain, a small child once said that she didn't like where MIL lived and we heard about that for years lol.  I couldn't imagine thrusting my DD into a situation with this type of person.

*I* can't handle the woman, I won't leave a child to do it either.  Just my take.
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: cpr on May 02, 2012, 12:57:43 PM
I have known for some time that leaving LO alone with her was not something that I would ever be comfortable with, but I had hoped that we could have some kind of relationship with her if for nothing else then for my DH. His FOO is like a tiny universe with MIL as the sun. They all circle her. If we have nothing to do with her then he will loose his siblings and his father as well.
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: pam1 on May 02, 2012, 05:32:39 PM
DH was afraid of that too, cpr.  I thought it was a good possibility.  So far his father and his relationship has not suffered and to be frank, he never really had a relationship with his siblings.  He still talks to a couple but the others (who act similar to MIL) he doesn't seem to miss.  In hindsight I think I worried more about his relationships with his folks than he did, in fact I think he is taking it all better than I am.  And I'm not even close to them!
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: Doe on May 02, 2012, 06:15:26 PM
Quote from: Vasilisa on May 01, 2012, 12:28:18 PM
Yeah, I know how it feels to go from being a worthwhile human being who people like to being the stupid, boring bag who does everything wrong and nobody wants to see.

LOL!   This isn't quite how it is for me.   It's more like "did I raise an idiot?" at times.  Not all the time, but at times.
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: Pooh on May 04, 2012, 01:29:02 PM
Ha ha ha....I'm chalking mine up to "pod people"
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: herbalescapes on May 17, 2012, 11:34:09 AM
If you really want LO to know GPs, why not rope in the other GC in the area?  Make arrangements to visit with the cousins, then ask if you can invite the GPs to drop in at the same time.  Or invite GPs and the cousins to your place, making sure each knows the other is invited, too.  A group email can do wonders in advertising your efforts, just gotta make sure the sarcasm and judgement are kept low. 

Good luck.
Title: Re: Playing the Victim at the GC's Expense
Post by: FAFE on May 18, 2012, 12:37:01 PM
I sure do wish I lived closer to some of you whose kiddos don't have good (?) for a lack of better words grandparents!  I would be Fafe to all of them.  I have 2 of my own.  Get to see one of them a couple times a year - going in June to get him for a week.  The other one I do see a lot more often, but would not mind seeing her every day (LOL).  In fact, I just offered the other day to be a token grandma to one of the guys who works at the grocery store I shop at.  His wife left him at Christmas time with three boys, one who is 3 years old.  Told him I was availble to help him out if he ever needed me to.  And, I''d do it in a heartbeat.