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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: Barbie on December 18, 2010, 07:20:35 PM

Title: In need of advice again
Post by: Barbie on December 18, 2010, 07:20:35 PM
Hello everyone,

We've been following the advice of all you wonderful ladies to back off, we never mention DIL to DS since she has stated that she wants nothing to do with us, etc., well DS spoke to DH today and said DIL won't be joining on Christmas, DS will be coming with GD only, according to him DIL is upset because she thinks we don't care about her.

I personally am tired of all the drama but DH wants to continue putting up with it. I will try to do what it takes in order to keep the peace in the family, my question is, how should I proceed? It seems I'll never win no matter what I do. Advice please?
Title: Re: In need of advice again
Post by: Pen on December 18, 2010, 07:33:28 PM
I'm sorry to hear this. In some situations we truly "can't win no matter what [we] do." My advice is to state once and for all that you do care about her, and then let it go. It's her drama, not yours (although it affects you.) I'm glad DS & GD are coming on Christmas...that's a start. You can tell them both "we miss DIL, but we're glad you're here" or whatever to reiterate your position and take the high road. If you feel the need to send her gift home with them, do so. Other than that I wouldn't dwell on DIL's drama - enjoy the day!

When a toddler tries that behavior the best way to deal with it is to remind them we want them to be part of the event, but if they want to throw a fit they can stay in their room. We don't stop everything to cater to them. In my experience the toddler soon realizes they're missing all the fun and opts to join in. I think the same method might work here. Her happiness is up to her, isn't it?
Title: Re: In need of advice again
Post by: luise.volta on December 18, 2010, 07:34:41 PM
To me, this is an issue between your son and his wife. They have to hash it out and my guess is that it doesn't have anything to do with you. I would make sure he knew the door was always open to her and assure him that you have no such feelings and move on. If she's making a game of it...and it is about attention, control or whatever, I would not play. Just my take...
Title: Re: In need of advice again
Post by: tryingmybest on December 19, 2010, 05:35:50 AM
I've got to agree with Laurie. I would keep talking to both of them, and to your DIL directly. She sounds really insecure. I know the hardest part of dealing with the DIL issue is the feeling of walking on a high wire. Lord sometimes I long for the days when I could do things without thinking about everyones possible reactions.
Title: Re: In need of advice again
Post by: 1Glitterati on December 19, 2010, 07:43:42 AM
Quote from: Barbie on December 18, 2010, 07:20:35 PM
Hello everyone,

We've been following the advice of all you wonderful ladies to back off, we never mention DIL to DS since she has stated that she wants nothing to do with us, etc., well DS spoke to DH today and said DIL won't be joining on Christmas, DS will be coming with GD only, according to him DIL is upset because she thinks we don't care about her.

I personally am tired of all the drama but DH wants to continue putting up with it. I will try to do what it takes in order to keep the peace in the family, my question is, how should I proceed? It seems I'll never win no matter what I do. Advice please?
Reiterate that she is welcome and it is her choice to come or not.  Enjoy your day with your son and granddaughter.

YOu can't make her come if she doesn't want to come.  I would keep extending the invitations thought.  HOnestly...if she doesn't WANT to be there...then it's best for everyone (herself included) that she isn't.  Be glad she's willing to let her child go to a place she isn't willing to go.  Not all people are.
Title: Re: In need of advice again
Post by: SunnyDays09 on December 19, 2010, 08:15:18 AM
Quote from: 1Glitterati on December 19, 2010, 07:43:42 AM
Quote from: Barbie on December 18, 2010, 07:20:35 PM
Hello everyone,

We've been following the advice of all you wonderful ladies to back off, we never mention DIL to DS since she has stated that she wants nothing to do with us, etc., well DS spoke to DH today and said DIL won't be joining on Christmas, DS will be coming with GD only, according to him DIL is upset because she thinks we don't care about her.

I personally am tired of all the drama but DH wants to continue putting up with it. I will try to do what it takes in order to keep the peace in the family, my question is, how should I proceed? It seems I'll never win no matter what I do. Advice please?
Reiterate that she is welcome and it is her choice to come or not.  Enjoy your day with your son and granddaughter.

YOu can't make her come if she doesn't want to come.  I would keep extending the invitations thought.  HOnestly...if she doesn't WANT to be there...then it's best for everyone (herself included) that she isn't.  Be glad she's willing to let her child go to a place she isn't willing to go.  Not all people are.

^^^^^This.  I agree.   There isn't any amount of gifts, words, cards,etc that is going to be the magic "thing".  And it is something the couple needs to discuss.  I feel your son should be willing to kindly bring it up to her that her actions are hurting those that care about her.  Maybe he can get the whole story out of her?  Until then, welcome ds with open arms and just let it go for now. 
Title: Re: In need of advice again
Post by: cremebrulee on December 19, 2010, 08:33:06 AM
If it were me, I'd call her and invite her to dinner...and stop going thru son, but make it a point to call her.  Let her feel that she is the one making the decissions and not son....if you want to know something, ask her...if you want to purchase something for GC...call her first and ask her...that way you make her feel that her opinion counts, and if she says no then honor it.  It's worth a try, you've got nothing to loose.  If she states that she feels she is not wanted, tell her, she couldn't be more then wrong, that your family isn't complete without her...she sounds like she is very immature and wants to be asked...but by all means, stop going thru son, ask her...might not work right away, however, she may turn around....you never know until you try...

When you go thru son with invitations, it probably does make her feel like she isn't part of the family....in the stead, ask her if she and her family would like to join you....I'm just guessing, however, to me, it would be worth a try.
Title: Re: In need of advice again
Post by: Barbie on December 19, 2010, 08:55:06 AM
Thank you all, DH thinks either him or I should to talk to her directly, the reason I don't talk to her is because she told me not to contact her ever again via phone or email so I'm just respecting her wishes. In spite of this I texted her a few months ago on her birthday to wish her a happy birthday and she and DS got furious with me. It seems that she has a bigger issue with me than anyone else in the family so under the circumstances, should I still call her to extend the invitation or would it be better if DH does it?
Title: Re: In need of advice again
Post by: luise.volta on December 19, 2010, 09:40:39 AM
IMHO: I still think she is getting way too much attention and that not growing up is paying off for her. Now she's casting herself as The Christmas Victim. She knows she is welcome. She already knows anything you could say to her. She's made you up to be the wicked witch of the west and scared herself to death. The issue is hers to address and when she is ready, to face...(or not.)
Title: Re: In need of advice again
Post by: daisy on December 19, 2010, 10:39:44 AM
Quote from: Barbie on December 19, 2010, 08:55:06 AM
Thank you all, DH thinks either him or I should to talk to her directly, the reason I don't talk to her is because she told me not to contact her ever again via phone or email so I'm just respecting her wishes. In spite of this I texted her a few months ago on her birthday to wish her a happy birthday and she and DS got furious with me. It seems that she has a bigger issue with me than anyone else in the family so under the circumstances, should I still call her to extend the invitation or would it be better if DH does it?

So she said not to contact her, but you did and her and your son got mad. For Christmas you didn't contact her and now she is claiming "no one cares" about her?  Personally, I would just leave her be then.  It sounds like there is just no way you can win with this person.  It also sounds like she is just looking for things to be upset about. Like another poster said, when your son and the kids come over,  maybe say it one time, "Sorry DIL couldn't make it, but I'm glad you and the kids came over" and have a great time. :-)

Title: Re: In need of advice again
Post by: Pooh on December 20, 2010, 06:30:41 AM
I'm with Luise and Daisy on this.  She made a request and you are trying to honor it (ok, so one nice slip-up and she got mad).  I think no matter which way you go, you are not going to win with her.  She has made that clear at this point.  Enjoy your time with DS and GC and do not give her any more attention. 
Title: Re: In need of advice again
Post by: holliberri on December 20, 2010, 07:22:47 AM
If you honored her wishes, no worries! Tough to do, I know. Changing in response to her feelings about this would only inflame the situation, I think. What is that saying...dogs don't bark at parked cars? Keep your open door policy and keep honoring her initial request; you may just be in the very early stages of this transition. I think if you stay on the track, this problem will go away. She'll have to be "around" in order to feel more cared about. Invitations are all you can do.
Title: Re: In need of advice again
Post by: Barbie on December 20, 2010, 02:47:42 PM
Thanks everyone. I really appreciate all the responses and I will enjoy spending whatever time I can with DS and GD.

Louise, what you said about her getting way too much attention already is so true and she knows she's welcome and my DS said to me not too long ago that she already knows anything I'm going to say to her. Thank you for opening my eyes. She has been playing me for a fool and i have done it to make my DS happy, she does the same thing to him but he doesn't see it, he's in love. DS also plays being the victim sometimes, I've made mistakes but believe me DIL has contributed to a lot of the problems.
Title: Re: In need of advice again
Post by: luise.volta on December 20, 2010, 04:02:30 PM
Hang in there! Sending love...
Title: Re: In need of advice again
Post by: cremebrulee on December 21, 2010, 05:44:34 AM
I didn't know that she said not to contact her...boy, what a no win situation....

However, I would leave it go this year...and never contact her, until next Christmas...leave her be....and then, next year, contact her and invite them all to Christmas Celebrations...but hard as it is...leave her alone, do not contact her and contact son at a minimal for the following year...

It sounds like her issue is with you....and yes, she sounds like a spoiled brat...so, comply with her wishes and see what happens in the year to come...

I'm very sorry this is happening to you....sad...sending much love and hugs....
Title: Re: In need of advice again
Post by: mareluvsbrig on December 21, 2010, 09:40:26 AM
wow it really seems like you have the same problem I do.  All I can say to you and keep your chin up and suck it up.  You are not in control, DIL is.  End of story.
Title: Re: In need of advice again
Post by: Nana on December 21, 2010, 11:20:57 AM
Barbie

Yes you should not insist.  She was loud and clear.  Now, your son telling you she already knows what you are going to say?..... she anticipates your reaction?   Get out of that game...it isnt enjoyable.   

Barbie hang in there and be happy with what you do have. 

You and your husband have a Merry Christmas....
A big hug for you
Title: Re: In need of advice again
Post by: holliberri on December 21, 2010, 11:27:37 AM
Oh Barbie,

I'm learning to redirect my thought patterns and it is very hard to do. A bad habit of mine is that I have "negative assumptions" about things, people or events. I "already know" what will happen or be said. 

The truth is, this may or may not be true, but when I'm right, I remember it! That only furthers my negative assumptions and keeps the cycle going.

I think your DIL may be having a little bit of this. I think it is an insecurity thing; you try to anticipate and plan your reaction to things. It's very unproductive. I've learned that backing off in my expectations has been helpful. I really have NO idea how things will turn out.  My stress has been reduced significantly because of this. I didn't even know I was doing this!

I'm just pointing out that she may not even realize what she is doing; and the truth is, what she is doing is really her problem not yours. I promise you this isn't just affecting her relationship with you. Negative assumptions creep their way into work, home, friendships; just about anywhere you can imagine.

I'm sorry I can't offer much more than that.
Title: Re: In need of advice again
Post by: Butterfly Journey on December 21, 2010, 02:10:28 PM
Hello there!
My advise as a dil.
I would continue to move forward in keeping your opinion to yourself. Enjoy the fact that you'll be spending time with your GD and your son over the Holidays! It's a blessing! Plus, you won't be monitored... yippee!!  ;D Make sure to send back a nice plate of food and treats along with her Xmas gift. You could attach a little note to the plate with Merry Christmas (name) Love (your names). A very simple and personalized gesture in my opinion. Welcome your son with love and don't make any "pokes" or "comments" about his wife. Just enjoy his company...he's home! Bring out the old albums, put them on the coffee table and share some memories with your gd. It's a great way to involve the whole family! Make it light and fun! If you have some old family decorations hung on your tree, take your gd by the hand and point them out. Children love to be apart of family traditions so pass it on!! Now...you have the opportunity to bond with your gd! Go for it! Have a wonderful Holidays season! PS - Take lots of pictures!!
Title: Re: In need of advice again
Post by: Nana on December 21, 2010, 03:17:03 PM
Butterfly

Great Post.  Thank you for sharing as a dil.  Yet some dils are closed to any intent to get close.  I continue to believe that due to terrible mils, we were labeled and are paying their misdeeds lol.  I love it when you young dils come to this forum and give us your perspective.    We learn everyday.

Love
Title: Re: In need of advice again
Post by: Barbie on December 21, 2010, 06:30:32 PM
These are all really good ideas.

I love reading the DIL's perspectives. My DIL is well educated, she's also very insecure and needs constant reassurance and attention. I believe a lot of her insecurities come from being ashamed of her family, she's tried very hard to better herself, but feels really bad especially around me that the two families have nothing in common.

As for me, each day that goes by I feel more at peace with myself thanks to all of you who have helped me realize that her happiness is up to her and this whole thing has nothing to do with me, I tried making a few changes per DS's request and it didn't get me anywhere.

DIL and I connected at the beginning but we now know that she wasn't being honest, once she knew DS was going to marry her, her true colors started to show.
Title: Re: In need of advice again
Post by: Pooh on December 22, 2010, 05:54:57 AM
Welcome Butterfly and great post!  I too, love to read the perspectives of DILs and learn from them.

Barbie, so glad you are feeling better.  Holli, I love your ideas!

And Nana.....MUAH!
Title: Re: In need of advice again
Post by: Nana on December 22, 2010, 11:49:43 AM
Muah Pooh...love you
Title: Re: In need of advice again
Post by: jdtm on December 22, 2010, 12:10:27 PM
This will be blunt - I suspect your DIL suffers from BPD - Borderline Personality Disorder.  If I am correct, you will never win, she doesn't want you in her life, and you will be slandered and victimized.  Whether or not you continue to see your son and grandchild, that choice belongs to your son.  I'm sure he does not know this yet, but I suspect the next "plan" will be to remove your grandchild from your life; followed by your son. 

Please educate yourself on this disorder - there's lots of information on the internet in how to "interact" with those suffering from this disorder.  I know - we've been there.  The first Christmas that our DIL did not attend was 2002 and it escalated each year from there.  Luckily, the marriage broke up in 2009 but the hurt and pain does not disappear over night.  We were lucky in that she not only abandoned her husband but also her children.  Nonetheless, one of the two grandchildren has "sided" with the mother.  It's better but I don't think it ever will be "good".  I pray that my suspicions are wrong in your case (that your DIL is just insecure) but I doubt it.  May God be with you because you'll need Him ....
Title: Re: In need of advice again
Post by: luise.volta on December 22, 2010, 09:24:06 PM
Please be really, really careful when trying to decide what's wrong. Sometimes even the professionals aren't sure. Sending love...