well, another day, another dollar, SPENT! if any of you have read my posts on small breakthrough, well, it was just that. small and insignificant. ds and i went shopping for dil's birthday present, together. we met at the mall, ds picked the item dil had instructed him to purchase, i paid for it. off ds went! that short, no thank you from dil, no nothing. we have emailed a couple times last week about an event that's going on this weekend. she didn't say either way if ds and her were going to be able to make it with gc. so i called ds at work this am to ask about the event. "no, we cant make it' ok, ill let them know. i hung up.
so i guess since she got her b-day present, she doesn't feel the need to talk to me or thank us for that matter. rude, just rude. dil seems to act like she wants to be around us, only when her b-day is coming, or the holidays are coming. this has happened before, she tolerates us until she gets a gift, money, what ever, then just cuts us off. i thought we were past this maybe not.
SIGH!!!! onward and upward........ right?? :-X :-X :-X ??? ??? ??? :-\ :-\ :-\
It doesn't make you want to play nice does it Erma
It's so hard to get that works for her. How disgusting! Sending love...
no, not at all. but this year for Christmas, dh and i made a pact, and a budget, and we will stick to it! except for gc, i just cant have a budget for gc. ::) i am keeping my mouth shut though. and im not compromising myself either. :D
that's progress for me!
I'm sorry that your having to deal with this.
On the other hand as a newbie, I appreciate what you said about keeping your mouth shut and not compromising
yourself. Those are two big lessons for me. 8)
Erma sorry to hear that.
What did you learn today?
Lesson one-if you pay for a b-present for DIL , do not give it to your son,
take it home to wrap it and make arrangement for get together,
that you and your husband will get b-present to DIL personally
that was is working for us...
for me -lesson one
my son say no presents for him and girls for Christmas and I will respect that,
inviting him and whole family to a restaurant
is degrading my self down b/c he will say NO anyway
so today I wrote check for $200 as a donation for our hospital
no, it just reconfirms what we already know about her. and that she has no plans to change. however, i can change. i have changed. and i am not her doormat. next year, im going by the anne landers method. or maybe ill conveniently forget. :o
Erma, what is the Ann Landers method?
Tara
she says "no gift giving if the recipients don't reply with a thank you"
Wow...no thank you at all? That's incredibly tacky. Not even your son saying "Oh, btw, dil said thanks so much for the gift." Not that that's really acceptable...but it would be something.
If you never get a thank you...I'd never do more than a card, if that.
Erma,
You definitely got her number! Dare we say it is a ZERO in the common courtesy category? So many times many of us MIL's just want the same level of common courtesy one would extend to an acquaintance (much less family). That courtesy is denied us by our DIL's. Why is the ever present question.
Some of the things our DIL has forgiven in her friends make my head snap back yet we get guillotined for things we didn't even do. Our DIL is prompt and courteous with thank you's to friends. She is quick to inconvenience herself on their behalf. Never once has she inconvenienced herself for us or for that matter even inquired about our health when we were facing health issues. We know she knows how to be a good friend and could be kind/thoughtful toward us--we just know she doesn't want to be. Again, why is the ever present question.
Dear Erma,
I was sad when I read that you got her number but you know what? You do have her number and forewarned is forearmed. You have been "warned" and now it's up to you what you do in my opinion. You have to play this game with her to be able to see your son and grandchild. I know how this feels so I know what is going on.
Try to play the game while all the time knowing what is going on, expecting nothing from her, not even a thank you. People like this are users and also, with your DIL, it seems like she doesn't have a lot of sense when it comes to polite manners. She might not know she's supposed to say thank you. I know that sounds nuts but some don't.
Just go in now knowing what is going on. Put a little note in your heart that nothing can hurt you anymore, not even her. It might take some time, years in my case, but snap your fingers when you start expecting something from her so you will recognize that she will not/cannot give it. :'(
I just wanted to share a little item I am trying. It is an old behavior modification technique a professor had us try when I was in college (150 years ago ;).
I have put a rubber band around my wrist. When I get into that thought process that brings about my negative thinking that ends up making me very sad, I pop the rubberband and say "SNAP OUT OF IT!"
My trigger thoughts are things like , "Oh why us?, Why do we have this problem?, What did we do? Things will never change. She hates us ------blah blah blah " ;)
So far this simple thing is helping me catch how many times a day, I am thinking thoughts that just lead me to a place I don't want to visit much less live!
Quote from: justdontunderstand on November 04, 2010, 06:40:47 PM
I just wanted to share a little item I am trying. It is an old behavior modification technique a professor had us try when I was in college (150 years ago ;).
I have put a rubber band around my wrist. When I get into that thought process that brings about my negative thinking that ends up making me very sad, I pop the rubberband and say "SNAP OUT OF IT!"
My trigger thoughts are things like , "Oh why us?, Why do we have this problem?, What did we do? Things will never change. She hates us ------blah blah blah " ;)
So far this simple thing is helping me catch how many times a day, I am thinking thoughts that just lead me to a place I don't want to visit much less live!
JDU!!
I am too! Not the rubber band but a thought in my head that I put. I wish I could phrase it better but you know what I mean. It's like a click, "stop it, this is my life and I'm going to enjoy it. I was loved before and I still am".
I am still stunned that when I get with others how much more fun I'm having now. When I think of the past and how I tried everything and almost lost my mind doing it I look back and feel sorry for that lady (me). I honestly think I was having a breakdown of some sort when all this was going on at first. It hurts so much but I know I was fine before all this happened to us.
I don't do the rubber band but I do the click in my head so we're sisters in that! :)
I like the Behavior mod and mindfulness techniques. Coming back to the present moment, wonderful moment again and again, instead of living in the past or the past projected on the future. When I get in a 'state' about my kid I will try to remember to get out a rubber band!
I am remembering that one of my dtr in laws doesn't thank me for gifts. Its confusing. When she got her MBA in college while working full time and being a mom I wanted to let her know that I honored that and sent her a necklace, its not that it cost a lot, but I took sometime to pick it out for her. It was never acknowledged. Also my son doesn't say thank you for gifts, I always have to ask if he got the present I sent. I have talked with him about this and I am sending him a gift card and card for his bday this year and if he doesn't acknowledge (I've told him a text message would be fine ;- ) , I'm going with what 1Glitterati says: next year just a card. To me it is not just about 'good manners' but the acknowledgement of the gift completes the circle of giving. My son is tough to buy for, near impossible as he is wealthy and buys anything he wants himself (and is picky about what he wears or has as a possession)
With my dtr in law I have assumed that because her culture is different than mine, a then maybe that is how it is handled in her family or culture. I don't assume bad things necessarily, but certainly lack of intimacy. It is disappointing though. I sent my gd a really wonderful photo book of her time with us this summer (from my photos but made by shutterfly) and never heard back that she got it. Finally a couple of months later I called my DIL and left a 'check in' message and also asked if gd got the book I made and she and then she and my gd called back and and I got to talk to them and know she got it and she also thanked me. It made me happy.
We are getting into the thick of Xmas giving which I think is a bit twisted in this country and am very appreciative to talk about and hear others experiences re: these issues.
thank you ladies, yes, a card would do, but we've been that route, and she was non commutative then too. she too is most prompt with her foo and friends, and when anyone but ourside of the family needs anything, she goes out of her way, and i do mean OUT OF HER WAY, to do something nice for them. yes we are all to aware of whats going on. :(
she is determined to hurt us. oh how i wish i could understand this. its the common courtesy thing yanno? i know for a fact she treats others differently. just not us.
my dh is excepting of everyone. he sees just the good in people, to a fault. so when he said he didn't feel comfortable around dil, and thought she was rude and disrespectful, i just about dropped over. he never has said an unkind word of anyone! but he saw her for what she is.
i will try the rubberband thing, but this is absolutely ridicules. i don't believe any of us were brought up like that. not even her. she just acts as if its her birth right to be rude, and condescending. i am living my life for me and dh now, but having to balance on a high wire for scraps?? its insane!!!!
Well, you sure have the truth staring you in the face via DH. I think we all have to pick up our dignity sometimes and say "I'm done." Self-respect asks that of us. Maybe not always but I sure got to that place. Sending love...
Quote from: erma on November 04, 2010, 09:08:36 PM
thank you ladies, yes, a card would do, but we've been that route, and she was non commutative then too. she too is most prompt with her foo and friends, and when anyone but ourside of the family needs anything, she goes out of her way, and i do mean OUT OF HER WAY, to do something nice for them. yes we are all to aware of whats going on. :(
she is determined to hurt us. oh how i wish i could understand this. its the common courtesy thing yanno? i know for a fact she treats others differently. just not us.
my dh is excepting of everyone. he sees just the good in people, to a fault. so when he said he didn't feel comfortable around dil, and thought she was rude and disrespectful, i just about dropped over. he never has said an unkind word of anyone! but he saw her for what she is.
i will try the rubberband thing, but this is absolutely ridicules. i don't believe any of us were brought up like that. not even her. she just acts as if its her birth right to be rude, and condescending. i am living my life for me and dh now, but having to balance on a high wire for scraps?? its insane!!!!
thanks luise!! ;)
I think I'd put the rubber band on her arm and then snap it
;D ;D ;D, Laurie!
I know, I've got to quit thinking like that ;D
;D ;D ;D
Erma,
One thing that I can beg you not to do is to do what I did for so many years. That was trying harder and harder and harder to get a crumb. It doesn't work. It makes you sick and also, many DILs use that behavior to express that we are needy and clingy. Any need we have, emergency, illness, etc., some DIL's view as our being dramatic so they ignore us. In my opinion, expect nothing from her or your son. That will save you. Common courtesy would be so nice but somehow it's gone bye bye.
Case in point: we always go to our son's and DIL's who live here for Halloween to see what the kids are wearing. We didn't go this year; we were busy. DIL calls, "why didn't you come over?"
"We were busy and couldn't", I told her. We really were but nowadays, seeing them no longer consumes me. GOOD.
Quote from: Laurie on November 04, 2010, 09:22:01 PM
I think I'd put the rubber band on her arm and then snap it
"Oh Snap!"
oh snap! ;D ;D ;D yes she see's it as either guilt or being needy and clingy. neither of which we do. yes i want them here, NO, I WILL NOT BEG! :D three snapss and around the world!! ;D ;D ;D
Quote from: Pooh on November 05, 2010, 12:09:44 PM
Quote from: Laurie on November 04, 2010, 09:22:01 PM
I think I'd put the rubber band on her arm and then snap it
"Oh Snap!"
Pooh, you were doing the bend and snap.. not the same thing dear
Quote from: erma on November 05, 2010, 12:20:01 PM
oh snap! ;D ;D ;D yes she see's it as either guilt or being needy and clingy. neither of which we do. yes i want them here, NO, I WILL NOT BEG! :D three snapss and around the world!! ;D ;D ;D
You go girl!
Quote from: Laurie on November 05, 2010, 12:22:08 PM
Quote from: Pooh on November 05, 2010, 12:09:44 PM
Quote from: Laurie on November 04, 2010, 09:22:01 PM
I think I'd put the rubber band on her arm and then snap it
"Oh Snap!"
Pooh, you were doing the bend and snap.. not the same thing dear
My bad, I keep confusing those two and can't keep my mind on.......oh look...the UPS man!
What's a bend and snap? ???
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-4tIs00NvM&feature=related
It's 3 minutes long start is a little fuzzy.. but then it's explained.. this is the kind of stuff you learn and store in the back of your mind when your daughter is the age of mine.
Got it! That was wonderful! And my Chihuahua was in it!!!
(However, at 83, I have to be really careful because it often converts to the bend and crash... ;D ;D ;D)
Ha ha Luise! ;D
Bend and Crash.. tooooo funny
Erma... just checking to see how you feel about your situation, a couple of days later. It really is hard to not be bitter and angry, and I find myself slipping backwards at times... I was Christmas shopping this morning and realized that even now with hurt feelings, I still try to give gifts from the heart... My DIL is pretty good about letting me know if she received the gifts and her thoughts...
It's hard to turn off that side of ourselves, isn't it? This a.m. DH & I were somewhere we used to go with DIL/DS and I, w/o even thinking, bought a certain snack for DIL that she loved. We got back to the car and DH just looked at me and shook his head. Now I'm afraid to give it to her for fear she'll think it's a passive-aggresssive message regarding those past outings together.
What to do? What to do?
Quote from: Pen on November 06, 2010, 05:46:39 PM
It's hard to turn off that side of ourselves, isn't it? This a.m. DH & I were somewhere we used to go with DIL/DS and I, w/o even thinking, bought a certain snack for DIL that she loved. We got back to the car and DH just looked at me and shook his head. Now I'm afraid to give it to her for fear she'll think it's a passive-aggresssive message regarding those past outings together.
What to do? What to do?
I know what you mean but just because she is not kind doesn't mean you can't be. Look at it that way? Surely an act of kindness and thoughtfulness has a place in our society still? I hope so.
I would eat it.
Luise, you're so great! ;D
Now that would be passive-aggressive, a la SM's hambone from another topic, if I handed her a bag of bits and pieces. No, ladies, I'll not even open it....but darn you Luise for planting that thought in my head! :-\
I will eat anything...walls...crow... ;D
Quote from: Pen on November 06, 2010, 06:00:33 PM
Luise, you're so great! ;D
Now that would be passive-aggressive, a la SM's hambone from another topic, if I handed her a bag of bits and pieces. No, ladies, I'll not even open it....but darn you Luise for planting that thought in my head! :-\
Your SM was being cruel. No psycho name needed.
Does anyone else have a DIL who sets up "rules" all the time? When she got pregnant, the rule was we couldn't tell anyone. Then we couldn't buy anything unless she had "researched" it. Yes, works for the car seat, which one is best in a car crash - but seriously, what research is there for a cotton crib sheet? Where the cotton was grown? Now the baby is due around Christmas and the new rule is that we can't buy anything "Christmasy" for the baby. I actually was not planning on buying any, but now that it's a "RULE," I so feel like it.
And Christmas! They live in an old house and DS complained their master bedroom was cold (they need to redo the heating at some point). I bought them a set of those blankety, flannel kind of sheets last year. DIL immediately noted, "I've never had anything but cotton sheets," as if I'd totally offended her. I found out today that she gave them away almost immediately after ---- and this year they sent me a link for exactly what they want for Christmas. Guess she doesn't want to take the risk that I might buy something that she won't like again.
I think my DIL is a wonderful person and DS appears to be happy, so hubby and I just try to stay away and leave them be. It's less stressful, but with the baby coming up, aye, aye, aye! The only silver lining is that DS and I chat all the time, he knows that she grew up a spoiled narcissistic person and he's trying hard to bring her around. One time I asked something about the baby and she was incredibly snarly and rude when she responded. I immediately changed the subject and never said another word about the baby. So later on she's complaining to DS that "your mother never evens talks about the baby." DS turned and said, "Do you remember when she asked about the baby and you responded with your incredibly nasty, rude comment? Why in the world would she do that again if you can't respond with some common courtesy?" Yay for my son, he, at least sees it and tries to reason with her.
Quote from: stilltryen on November 11, 2010, 01:35:24 PM
It's less stressful, but with the baby coming up, aye, aye, aye!
That one part make me laugh.
My BIL & SIL were like this with my MIL concerning their kids.. They would send catalogs to them with exactly what they wanted my MIL to purchase. So much for giving from the heart huh :)
New babies are tough.. I'm sure she is nervous and anxious but still that should not take away from being civil. Your son sounds really balanced.. I think you guys are going to do just fine.... Happy Holidays
Yes Civility is so basic if we could all just practice that.
Re: christmas presents, I would love it if my ds and dil would send me a link to what they wanted!! Its been so difficult to buy for them. I asked my son if he would make a wish list on amazon last year but he didn't get around to it. . He has everything he could want or need and is way selective about what he owns and wears so in a way its just a exercise in futility but a ritual we practice that has some meaning. My DIL suggested gift certificates for DS. 8) 8)
I'm like your son. Everyone just gave up! (And make me fudge!)
Love it!
My mother used to make the best fudge at christmas
When my kids were growing up, Sunday afternoon was fudge and popcorn time. ;D
Nice
The house smelled heavenly!!
I've never made fudge.. is it hard?
I must think about fudge a whole lot because at least once daily I say 'oh fudge'
No, it's easy to make and there are lots of great recipes on the Web. It's fabulous with popcorn. Ever had peanut butter fudge? (I just gained 5 pounds during this conversation!)
(And I'm glad that's all you say! ;))
you mix the popcorn into the fudge?
Nope...you have a bowl of popcorn and a plate of fudge and go back and forth. Sugery/salty...yum! 8)
Have you ever heard of "moose munch"? it tastes like that. So yummy and delicious
No we have no mooses.. ok.. what is plural for moose? Every family eats odd things but it does seem funny trying to picture your kids sitting with their bowl of popcorn waiting for fresh fudge to go with it. Is fudge more a northern thing?
They don't wait, they get it all at once. Little dish of popcorn, little plate of fudge. Refills! :-) I lived in Michigan but it may have been the times more than the location. My "baby" (last of four sons) is 55!
luise, i was a MI fudgey too!! ;D
My mom made great candy during the holidays, it was one of her ways of being creative. I think she used the recipe on
Nestles chocolate chips and she used marshmellow creme as part of the recipe. awesome!
It is going to be nice this year and not worry about Christmas with ds and dil. They usually spend ALL holiday time with HER family and I have never said a complaining word to them. I was like some of you, just "accepted the crumbs"! They would show up at my home after everyone else left and we were ready to rest and go to bed. They'd stay a half hour to "get their loot", and off they'd go. Rude huh? THAT DID NOT HAPPEN LAST YEAR! I took both GD their gifts, and bought nothing for DS and DIL(tired of hearing how great the gifts from HER family were). Her parents have two kids and had 2 grandkids then, I have 3 kids and 8 grandkids to buy for. I now spend holidays with those family members that treat each other with kindness and respect. For my kids sake, for years I had EX HUSBAND and his family to my home for holidays! Trying to show my kids how we should treat others regardless of situations. My husband (such a kind wise man) never objected to it either, and accepted them in our home and he was a great host! Funny how I just LOVE to give gifts, really do not care to get any as I have everything I need and I'd rather others do for those that are needy...but DIL and DS ALWAYS buy for her grandparents, sister, parents, cousins etc...not once did they do for anyone of my sons sibs or grandmother etc. I just surround myself with other family members and other grandkids now. Things will be hard this year since I have separated myself from DD for now though. She and her ex husband used to do the same thing. Buy for members of his family (his mom and grandparents, sibs...but never hers). Strange. I send hugs and prayers to all who struggle with this issue. We have to "take care of me" more, keep snapping those rubber bands! And Luise...pass the fudge and popcorn please down here to Missouri!!! It is a rainy, cold day and that sounds lovely right now!
You got it!! ;D ;D
I'm in Missouri................send me some too Luise :)
;D ;D Buckets and barrels! ;D ;D
Erma, my fudge-making friend, where do you live in Michigan?
did live......................no longer. mackinaw city...................born in lansing. i miss my island!! 8) the bridge walk...................all of it!!! 8) still manage to get there every summer though! ;D yummmmmmm fudge!!!
Wonderful! I lived in Royal Oak, Grand Rapids, Bay City and East Tawas. I left there in 1954.
How about the fudge they make and sell on Mackinaw Island? (Oh, be still my stomach...!)
oh how i miss it soooooooooo! :P and the grand hotel??!!!! love, love, love.................. high tea at 2??? delightful!
And the ride over and back and the costumes!!!
I think it's Mackinaw Island, that my husband speaks about so fondly when reminiscing about childhood. Is this the place that you could only get to by boat? No wonder why he has such a passion for fudge.
Yes, by boat only. Look it up on the Web and you will see what we are talking about. Was he from Michigan?
Quote from: luise.volta on November 12, 2010, 10:18:43 AM
Yes, by boat only. Look it up on the Web and you will see what we are talking about. Was he from Michigan?
Sandusky Ohio is where my dh is from, but the family lived on the water every chance they got. He took me to one island, Kelly Island.. we could get there by ferry.. that was the first time I saw the Great Lakes.. I still can't imagine them freezing over
Pretty amazing country!
Makes you wonder what sayings people up north end up with... You can lead a horse to water but he can't drink it even if he wanted to.
Well, he sure can't drink it all!
;D funny ;D