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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: nanalu on April 05, 2011, 06:58:21 AM

Title: Son in Law from down below
Post by: nanalu on April 05, 2011, 06:58:21 AM
Ever since my daughter married her husband, he does not like me. Ever since my grandson was born, he has caused problems with my daughter and myself. My grandson was a week old and my daughter asked me to come to help. I live 1600 miles away. She had to go back to school. The first night she went back to college, the baby was crying and he wouldn't let me pick him up. He said it was a learned behavior. I told him in frustration it was child abuse to let him cry like that. He threw me out. I was at he curb calling motels. The police were called by someone, and my daughter believes him that it was me. This caused me to be very depressed. I landed up in the hospital. I was then told I was not going to be a part of the grandchildren's lives because I was not safe. Then a few years ago my daughter got very sick. She almost died. I was again called to help. I stayed with her 24/7 for 3 months. He was never there. I told him I could watch the kids if he wanted to be with her, but he said no. Almost two years have gone by since this happened. My daughter survived after a horrible three months. I thought everything was good because I have been back there several times since. We even went on vacation together last summer. I was making plans to g for spring break in April of this year and received a call from my daughter saying not to come because they were having marital problems. Then I see on facebook her posting how happy they are and that se is married to her best friend, etc. I sent her an email asking if I did something wrong because what she is telling me and what she is telling everyone else are two different stories. She said well since you want the truth, my husband is upset with some papers you served him with while I was in the hospital. I didn't have time to file any papers, I was too busy keeping her alive. Even the hospital staff was in awe that he was never there. He served her with papers for Power of Attorney while she was in a coma. I lived at the hospital and didn't even know my way around much less find a way to serve him with papers for abandonment. The conversation ended with "We need a break from you." I am just brokenhearted because I miss my grandchildren so much and my daughter. How can someone you drop everything for just toss you out of their lives for an untruth????????
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: overwhelmed123 on April 05, 2011, 07:11:23 AM
Sounds like the stockholm syndrome some of the ladies were talking about awhile back.  Your daughter probably feels depressed and has some esteem issues after coming to terms with the fact that she is unhappy with her husband- so she tries to pretend on facebook that she has a better life than that.  I have a friend that does that, too.  This guy verbally abuses her a lot, she tells me the things he says, and then the next day she is on facebook telling everyone she has the best husband in the world and how much she loves him.  I wonder who she is trying to convince- them or herself?

I don't know what the right answer is for you.  I would make sure your daughter knows you are there for her when she needs you or wants you, and give her the break she is asking for- even if you don't understand.  It will, at the very least, eliminate a reason for her husband to start unnecessary drama with her.  She will see that you are respecting her wishes and her husband will continue to treat her poorly- she'll see where both of you stand.

I'm sorry you're going through this.  It seems strange that the baby crying situation escalated so quickly.  Sounds like maybe he has some anger issues.
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: holliberri on April 05, 2011, 07:16:44 AM
I'm willing to bet your DD is still having marital problems.

I know several people that have very bad problems in their marriage, but their Facebook tells a very different story. They go on and on and on about how wonderful things are...and really, they are only trying to convince themselves, or their partners.

It seems to me that your SIL had one foot out the door when your DD was sick. Either that, or he is excellent at being neglectful, since the "cry it out" method isn't recommended for newborns and you still have to let the child know that you're there by patting them and touching them.

I am very sorry about all of this, but I think your DD is in a healthy relationship. I'm also willing to bet that since she says things to the contrary on Facebook that you aren't likely to convince her of this.

Keep coming here to vent; I am very glad your DD is all better now.
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: Pooh on April 05, 2011, 07:23:13 AM
I'm with the others.  She's putting one face in public, and another behind closed doors.  How could you not be having marital problems if your DH didn't come around in the hospital for 3 months?  That to me, speaks volumes of his character.  If she is believing his lies, then there is nothing you can do except give her space and let her know you love her.  Then wait for her to come back to you.  So sorry nanalu.
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: holliberri on April 05, 2011, 07:36:03 AM
*Is not.

Good grief. Me and my edits. : (
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: higgins on April 05, 2011, 08:41:23 AM

  This is a very sad situation, and I'm sorry to hear about it.

  I agree with the above advice, I think the best thing you can do is not get involved in the situation, but wait for it to run it's course and then be a support for your DD and GC when things go wrong.

-H.J.
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: luise.volta on April 05, 2011, 09:12:42 AM
We can spend a lot of time and use a lot of energy trying to make sense of the senseless. We look for logic and cause and effect.

A step forward comes when we say..."It's nuts." Then we can create some much-needed distance and let our adult children and extended families do what they do. If and when they want to make sense, we are still willing to reconnect.

In the meantime...our job is to heal and find peace within ourselves...and that does make sense.
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: nanalu on April 06, 2011, 01:14:05 PM
Thank you everyone for your support. I am so glad I found this site. Today I was weepy because I just wonder what they told the grandkids about why Nana isn't calling them. She also told me that my grandkids only love me for what I buy them. I only send a box about twice a year. They really know how to hit me below the belt. I love those grandkids with my whole heart. When my daughter was in the hospital, he would hardly let me see them. I would go to their swimming lessons and to see them to take pictures so I could paste them all over her wall so she could see them when she woke up. The staff at the hospital was in awe about all of this. I started seeing a therapist on Monday, and it does help to talk to a non biased person. I will have to tell him tomorrow about this site. You all really helped me.  :)
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: misunderstood on April 06, 2011, 02:32:18 PM
Yes hitting below the belt hurts.  It probably isn't true though, if you spent time with the kids it'll be the time they remember not the things.

Glad you are seeing a therapist to work through your upset, a non-biased person is a great sounding board.

Take care x
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: nanalu on April 07, 2011, 01:57:46 PM
Pooh, I think he was on his way out of the marriage when all this happened because of the fact that he didnt want anyone to know what was going on. When my daughter came out of her coma, she asked me if she was divorced or getting divorced. The day she came home, he was outside mowing the lawn until evening, not even checking on her. I wanted to come home, but she begged me to stay and help her.  I just wonder why now. I was too busy keeping her alive to worry about if he did this to her or not. The hospital got the police envolved, but because no one, including me could say whether he did or not, I just thought it was over. But with him coming forth now with some crazy story that I served him with papers makes me wonder what he is hiding. I just thought because she got better, he had his wife back, and the kids had their mommy back that everyone could move forward. RED FLAG, what is he trying to hide. I know I have to just let this go, but now I truly fear for my daughter and grandkids. His family is very affluent in their little town, so it would be covered up in an instant. My hands are tied, but he has someone higher up to answer to for all this. I emailed my daughter today and told her my heart is breaking and I miss her and the kids.  :(
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: holliberri on April 07, 2011, 02:06:18 PM
Nanalu, I have nothing thoughtful to say, but when I read your last post, I got chills down my spine. This sounds like a totally frightening situation. I can't imagine your DD and GKs living a life like this, and I can't imagine the terror you must feel watching her life like this, either.
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: lancaster lady on April 07, 2011, 03:12:21 PM
If your daughter is being mistreated or abused in any way it's up to her the end this marriage .
she knows you are there to support her , there is nothing you can do but be there ..
I understand your feeling of helplessness but it's her call ...
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: Kennedy on April 08, 2011, 09:47:20 AM
It is so awful to be the (outsider) so to speak in a small town. A town tiny in size but with a chosen few who run the show. If your SIL's family is like this? I can see how your daughter "might" feel so alone and scared. Heck when you have enough people treating you like you are the problem you believe it too.
I've sent a prayer up for her, you, and the children. If I read your post correctly and that is what is happening? I'm like others who say that I'd be worried too!!!
That doesn't even sound like a man who wants a divorce to me. It sounds like someone who has ice in his heart and wants to keep her away from other people to be her "god".
How horrible for all of you! and I'm so very sorry! It can make you want to bang your head against a wall I'm sure. But there really isn't a thing someone can do until she reaches out.
In your shoes I'd try to keep a line open for her and make sure she knows it. And PRAY.. Hugs Nana!
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: nanalu on April 08, 2011, 12:30:22 PM
Kennedy, Thanks for you post. I do feel like banging my head at times. When I think back at all that I have seen going on, I truly believe that there is a lot hidden. She says she is happy, so I have to hope and pray that she is. When she was in the hospital, she had psychotic moments where she would just talk and talk and talk. The psychiatrist said that she could not form new thoughts but just say what is already in her memory. She would cry out that her husband was trying to take her kids away. One nurse said that while I went out for a walk that she was begging them to find her children and keep them safe. She also would tell me that her husband didn't love her. I just thought it was because of her brain problem. SHe had autoimmune encephalopathy. She was in and out of comas, and on life support twice. When I would call him from the hospital to tell him he wouldn't even come to her. What kind of husband wouldn't even come and be with his wife. He had plenty of people to help with the kids. I am going to talk with a therapist this afternoon. I have to find a way to be at peace. I am hurting because I wrote to her yesterday, but I think she has blocked me from her email. My daughter has never just banished me from her life. Thanks again for your prayers.
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: luise.volta on April 08, 2011, 07:54:52 PM
Having her be the way she is and having her do what she did is the way out. It doesn't matter that she's never done it before. Not having her be that way she is...is a way to perpetuate woundedness. Sending love...
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: forever spring on April 08, 2011, 11:25:36 PM
Nana, I'm deeply saddened by your plight. It must be so bad to sit back when things that are happening to the person that is nearest to your heart gets hurt. It is said that women return to an abusive relationship about seven times before they can free themselves from it. I do hope that your daughter gets to this point, but as Luise mentioned, she has to do this out of her free will. There are many people accross the miles who are thinking of you and wish that things will be resolved. ((((((((((hugs))))))))) from me too.
Pity that we have to endure pain when we thought we had done a good job bringing up the kids and prime them for life in the outside word.
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: nanalu on April 11, 2011, 06:52:24 AM
Luise, I didn't quite understand your post. It has now been over 3 weeks since she has talked or written to me. I hurt more and more each day. I can hardly function without thinking about all this. I almost lost her to the encephalopathy, and now I feel I have truly lost her. It is like a death for me. I guess I am in awe too that my daughter who was always so loving and caring could be like this.
She says because she was not conscious of what went on when she was out for those three months, that she has to believe him. He truly has her convinced that he was there. And like I said in my previous posts, he lives in a small town in Missouri where his name is prominent, and he knows they would all back him. Even though all her friends knew what he was doing, they are all into appearances and being accepted, so they would never tell her differently. I just want this lonely sad feeling to go away.
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: luise.volta on April 11, 2011, 04:41:30 PM
I am saying something you may not be ready to hear. We can document lies, abuse and unfairness but we can't change it. We can sink under the weight of the reality of it...or we can rescue ousrselves from it.
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: nanalu on April 11, 2011, 10:54:10 PM
 :'( :'( :'( Thanks for all the hugs and prayers from all. Today, I went back to work after being off for Spring Break. I was supposed to have gone to see my daughter and grandkids so it was a very hard break to go through. I am going to help with a pancake feed to aid Japan, and really pour myself into other community projects to help me get through this. I even called the hospital to see if they had a program where a person could go in and just hold the babies, but they don't do that anymore because of security reasons for the families. These are my only two grandkids, and I waited a long time to be a grandmother, so there are no other little kids to cherish right now.  I just want this heavy heart to lighten up once again. Again, thank you for all your kind words, hugs, and prayers.
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: luise.volta on April 12, 2011, 08:19:04 AM
I have a dear friend who has gone through all of this. She is a foster parent for babies to give them a loving start before they are placed. She finds deep joy in that. Sending love...
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: lancaster lady on April 12, 2011, 08:27:57 AM
Back in the days when we trusted people and took them at face value without all the security checks .
The nursery I used to run always welcomed adopted granny's !
As it was run under the church ''umbrella '' we welcomed older church members to help out with the little 'uns .
Nowadays of course this wouldn't  be allowed .I know health and safety comes first , but these older church
members were a God send on difficult days .
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: forever spring on April 13, 2011, 01:18:38 AM
Quote from: luise.volta on April 11, 2011, 04:41:30 PM
I am saying something you may not be ready to hear. We can document lies, abuse and unfairness but we can't change it. We can sink under the weight of the reality of it...or we can rescue ousrselves from it.

I don't seem to do the quotes nice and neat, I think.

I wanted to say that what you are saying is so true, Luise. We have the choice not to sink and be downtrodden! This is not an easy way out of a problem but at least we try and deal with it with our dignity intact. Nobody says this is easy - but in my view it's the only way to overcome.
I'm thinking of Nelson Mandela in this respect. Had he hated his captors, he could not have come out of that prison after 28 years and done the things he did after his release. The understanding he could muster for the people who behaved badly towards him made him strong.
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: forever spring on April 13, 2011, 01:19:34 AM
I did do that one nice and neat hurray :)
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: luise.volta on April 13, 2011, 12:47:35 PM
Yes, and a beautiful example! Thank you.  :D
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: nanalu on April 18, 2011, 11:56:00 AM
Yesterday was my granddaughter's birthday It was so hard not to be a part of it. I did call and leave a message on the phone to her that I was thinking about her on her special day. If he heard it first, I fear that he would erase it. If not, I didn't hear anythng  back, not that I expected too, but I must be truthful, I thought I would. I am doing all I can to keep busy, and not think about all this, but I can't. I don't have the support from my husband, so it is really hard. I guess I just want someone to advocate for me just once. I stop my world for everyone in the family, but no one does this for me.  :'(
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: luise.volta on April 18, 2011, 01:25:02 PM
I t is so hard when we know kindess is actually easy and others haven't found that out. Sending love...
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: jill on April 18, 2011, 06:25:49 PM
Nanalu, I feel your pain.  I have a granddaughter who I love dearly, and miss very much.  What about sending her a card, letter, something tangible that cannot be erased, and hopefully your sil will allow her to have it..........Jill
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: nanalu on April 18, 2011, 08:28:39 PM
HE is totally in control HE checks the mail too, he would probably distroy it. He doesn't want me in their lives at all. I found a book about Parents who get hurt by adult children. I think this generation of adults is really different. My sister is dealing with the same thing with her SIL. He has her daughter not speaking to her because my sister's husband died, and he is angry that they didn't get any of the insurance money. Money that my sister needs. He had her daughter borrow 2000 dollars from her and then when my sister asked about the loan, her daughter told her it is not her money, and that she was not going to pay it back. Not that my sister's story makes me feel any better, but it does help me see that this generation is really selfish and greedy.
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: LaurieS on April 18, 2011, 08:31:36 PM
It's not the entire generation, but greedy self-serving individuals
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: luise.volta on April 18, 2011, 08:38:58 PM
Good point Laurie. Sending love...
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: nanalu on April 20, 2011, 04:06:48 PM
You are right Laurie, I was having an angry moment after my sister called me about her SIL too. I am keeping really busy so I don't have time to think too much about this. The hurt doesn't go away, but I am sure tired at night and I sleep, insteac of crying myself to sleep. :'(
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: LaurieS on April 20, 2011, 05:20:02 PM
I know it's hard not to group people especially when your feelings have been attacked.  Most of us tend to turn that direction at one time or another.
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: stilltryen on April 20, 2011, 05:57:42 PM
I have a cousin whose older daughter "Sally" married a complete loser.  This guy beat the snot out of her, he'd tell her to get in the car and drive her out to the middle of nowhere and drop her off, etc., etc.  They had one daughter and my cousin was always terrified out of her mind that one day she'd get a call from the police telling her that Sally was dead - and she knew she'd never, ever see her granddaughter again.  Sally and loser hubby (LH) lived with his parents.  Then, no clue what LH did, but he was sent to prison.  Sally told my cousin she didn't want anything more to do with her and completely cut her off.  No, it wasn't anything my cousin did, we don't know why he was sent to prison.  My cousin was hoping for a reconciliation when he was sent away, and it turned out to be the opposite.

For years, my cousin heard about her daughter in snippets.  She'd run into LH's cousin who would mention that Sally had another baby, a boy; LH was out of prison and they'd moved out of state, etc., etc.  About 2 years ago, out of nowhere, Sally called my cousin and joined the family again.  I don't know the details, but I have to say, when I see her FB page and Sally is going on about how much she loves her hubby and how wonderful he is, I want to puke.  Ugh!  However, the point to the whole story is that Sally came back.  Your daughter might wake up someday and think, "I want my momma!"  Keeping my fingers crossed for ya!
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: mariakajsa123 on April 24, 2011, 03:10:23 PM
Well its Easter Sunday and haven't heard from our daughter. She and her husband went to stay with his parents for the weekend.Our son in law has posted his weekly picture of my daughter napping. He has a thing about taking pictures of her while she naps. Weird I think.To say nothing of how unbecoming some of those pictures can be.He still keeps notes between his ex and himself on facebook for everyone to see. Drives me to tears. I don't think my daughter could be this naive. But she seems happy and has told me everything is fine and I should talk to her first if I have any gripe. She has gained about 50 pounds since they have dated and now married, and seems oblivious to the health concerns she creating for herself. Talk about the Stockholm syndrome!!!  I am just dumbfounded........
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: luise.volta on April 24, 2011, 03:16:37 PM
M- Thinking of you and sending love...
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: nanalu on April 28, 2011, 08:10:56 PM
Well, I have been so busy with a benefit to help the Japan victims and haven't updated. Last Thursday (a week ago today) I was driving home from work and my cellphone rang. I pulled over and answered it because it was my daughter's number. It was my grandkids. They said hi Nana. I started to cry, and they wanted to know why I was so sad and crying. I told them I was happy to hear from them and they are tears of joy. We talked for almost half an hour. They sang to me, read to me, my grandson played the drums for me. It was wonderful, then like they used to do, they were done talking, so just walked away from the phone, so I hung up. My daugher never got on the phone, and I know he wasn't there, or he wouldn't have let her call for them. My grandson did remember that I was going to get them Bambi and Pinochio, and they are sitting on my table, but because I was told they only love me for what I buy them, I am not sure if I should send them. The call gave me hope, but I still miss the friendship my daughter and I used to have. *sigh* :'(
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: luise.volta on April 28, 2011, 09:06:21 PM
What an incredibly difficult situation. My heart goes out to you. Darned if you do and darned if you don't. Sending love...
Title: Re: Son in Law from down below
Post by: Rose799 on April 28, 2011, 10:24:23 PM
It's a small step...  I spoke to my gs today, also.  Let's be thankful for that much & hope a door has been opened. Thanks for all you're doing for the victims in Japan.  You're in my thoughts, Nanalu~