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All very thought provoking. I believe in treating others the way you want to be treated. I feel in my own situation its getting difficult to continue to invest in a relationship when it isn't reciprocated. I am pleasant and respectful and send appropriate gifts/acknowledgments. Silence from them towards me. After nearly 10yrs married it is clear that all the married-in people are second class.  Its very lonely for me to be around them all.  I have been told to step aside and allow the relationship btwn them and our children.  The thing is, they do nothing to interact with our kids. Where Id like to be is indifferent... I admit I just go through the motions now but they have rekindled a relationship with my DH after a death in the foo.  I am glad.for my husband but wish that instead of just taking what they wanted they gave something to us as well (not material things)... I guess it's just my expectation and as long as i keep it is as long as I'll be disappointed.

You once mentioned a book Im still your Mother.  Does it offer any support in terms of grandbabies? I hope that your hurt subsides and you know you can love that baby regardless of his parents actions or inactions. 

I am sorry that you are going through this.  I am a DIL that lives away from both sides of the family. First off, I wouldn't wait on Skype for them.  Its unfair to yourselves. Additionally, since they are "hidden" users, I would think that they don't want you popping in everytime they log on.  Hurtful to you, yes but not necessarily intentionally.  (Btw, have you tried facetime? We find much btr audio and less interrupted connection)

Since you are feeling that the DIL is controlling things, how about trying to foster a relationship with her? After all, she is your son's wife and the mother of the grandchild.  Even if not through Skype regular phone calls or just email/notes to HER might motivate her to make more effort towards you all.  Ultimately, your son needs to step up and facilitate the relationship. 

I am sorry if there is a back story that I don't know.  For me the shoe was on the other foot so to speak but those are things I wished my Ils had done. A relationship is a two way street.  Hope things improve for you.

Thanks to you firelight (didn't mean to not acknowledge you,.especially after reading that epic novel/post).  I know that you're right and I have to perceive things the way you mentioned for my own self.  Additionally, I feel like your post helped me decide not to respond to gf/stepmil/widow as it only drags things on longer and will not change anything.

***always proof read I typo-ed "perceived things" into " receive thongs"... Certainly changes the meaning!!! 

Thank you both Luise and Pooh.  I was having a breakdown due to an of overload of emotion. As always you grounded me with acknowledgement, empathy and constructive advise.  thank you, thank you, thank you

Long, long story. Brief bg: mil and fil divorced some 30 yrs. Never really got on well with either side but able to tolerate and go along for husbands sake. Recently fil diag w terminal illness. He married longtime girlfriend and passed away all within 7wks time.  ILS come together all dh sibs take care of fil in his final days. Gf, now wife not helping. Fil wanting gf to receive his SS death benefits, not realizing the marriage not long enough. Resentments occur while fil is alive on both sides. I can empathize with the wife as my sil tends to run the show and new wife feels cast aside . However, new wife also purchasing numerous things for herself on fils credit cards... things the family finds strange since her husband is about to die. Fils will leaves all to his kids, but widow can stay in house. Widow proceeds to bad mouth the children (my dh and his sibs ) all over facebook, in direct emails to his now deceased fathers siblings, then to fils longtime friends. Its getting really ugly. I block widow on facebook as I frankly cant handle the drama. My child has birthday. My dh opens card from widow to ensure nothing untoward is included. Not sure what to do with the 10 she sent our child. Then widow facebook messages my dhs account on our child's bday and says how much she and my dhs father love our kids. And how she thought I understood her but blocked her so she was so wrong about that too..

Not sure how to proceed. She restricted my dh and his sibs from her fb and that was ok  but since I blocked her she's now the martyr?  I would love to tell her that I have known the real  her since I hear her disparaging me drunk late one night years ago.  Altho I could commiserate regarding the dynamics with my golden sisterinlaw and how the family isn't welcoming to nonblood relatives. To me what she has done to my dh and his siblings in the midst of their dads shocking diagnosis illness and death has been awful. They provided around the clock care as she couldn't handle it. They are maintaining her residence. She wants to keep fils childhood mementos, report cards hs class ring things that were packed in boxes she had never seen nor did she even know him then (met in their 50s). 

A lot of venting here but unsure if I respond to her and her ltr regarding how she thought I understood her. To me what she has done since negated any pity I may have felt for her. Not sure where to go from here.

As always thank you for listening and offering such kind words.  It seems.moment to.moment things change, a phone call wields such power.... Getting used to our new reality.   May be calling on you all in the near future. 

W. e just received news of file diagnosis with stage 4 cancer.  With chemo they give him 9mos, 3-4without.  I feel awful for my dh.  We live away from all other family.  Sil lives away from fil but around the rest of the foo.  Both dh and sil are with fil.  Fil decided to marry his longtime gf.  All of fils foo and sils husband and children drove the 20hrs to be there, to see him they weren't getting married at that point.  So essentially entire dhs foo, fils side , is there except for me and our 2 young children.  I feel bad not to be supporting my dh, what the foo will have to say (I have never had a good relationship with any of them). My dh did not want us to fly over for just a day and we are planning to take our girls to see him soon.  I just feel at a loss and unsure how to deal with this.  I am trying to support my husband.  In addition, we have another trip paid for to see my foo, not near fil.  I worry about their perception altho again I have told dh that we can go to see fil instead.  Also I am feeling under enormous pressure home with 2 kids, dealing with all household alone plus an obviously stressed sad dh and then guilty that I am feeling this way.  Not sure how to cope over the long haul with this.  Situation is compounded by the fact that I do not really get along with them all.  Even if I were there I would feel awkwardly out of place since I do not have a loving relationship with fil.  We are polite to one another, that is all. Thank you for listening, just needed a place to get this out. 

Thanks Herbal, that describes very much what I feel.
Lilly, I totally agree with you.  I should have spelled out exactly what mil could or could not do with the information.  Obviously, I didn't do a very good job at it.  Although I might call the information private  not secret, just saying.  To me this was all fell apart due to communication breakdown and different family of origin "norms".  To me MIL is a gossip, even if it is family news.  That fact that we didn't tell anyone else or post anything on fb or it was the eve of the procedure when she was told were intentional. 

I did call Mil and literally had my phone with the kind words You provided me and she said she meant to only post to.gsil an of course.call the one cousin who lives near is to order her flowers (unwire why aw she uses.a.computer and orders.stuff).  The important thing for me was by doing so ,I Was Able to move past it instead of being stuck there.  Her reasons didn't matter so much as to me as the feeling that I wasn't letting her get away with it.  I certainly don't think she intentionally did it to annoy me


I need to work.on my filter.  My husband, her son, said I need to talk to her without telling her anything... Umm, I think that has been his life strategy but I find the notion of that overwhelming as any word can be misinterpreted or twisted...  Regardless, I am going to be working on what I say or do t say to her. 

I agree Pooh.  My dh says it won't change anything.  It seems that's how they do it in his FOo.  And not I didn't put anything on fb but it sure was tempting, lol.

Lilly, I told dh,albeit when I was flaming mad, that I would call his dm.  Again he was like no, that'll only give them fuel.  I love what you wrote to say to MIL and I am certain she has no idea that she's spun me all up.  I don't know if I can say it without sounding irritated still.  Of course this will be going against what my dh wants me to do but otherwise how would I resolve these feelings?  Been there done that. 

Someone else wrote about taking intentions into account.  I think they should be a consideration but not the whole thing.

Anyway, our sweet girl was a champ and is resting comfortably now.

Thanks again for all your input

Surgery went hopefully.  Ten days to recover and she'll out and about. 
Jdtm the whole medium chill post is where I need to be but don't know how yo filter everything, hopefully it will come with practice?
Lilly your other side of the coin has been invaluable to me.  I feel similar to your dil in that things have built up over time.  However, it has always been MY dh who has requested that I not confront his FOO as he says it won't change anything other than giving them more fuel.  Not saying that's your situation but just putting it out there.
Thank you all so very.much.

Felt I did the right thing in calling mil to inform her of upcoming surgery for our dd. Mil must have mass emailed dhs family about it!  Not just his siblings but her siblings, all his cousins, people who live across the country that we don't even see.  Of course these people texted and fb msged by dh.  He knew I told his mom but we were unprepared for the onslaught of this.  Needless to say, we were they arguing my husband saying I should have followed his lead and not called her.  Bg: he never told me mot to call her.  He has actually been I'll and I though he would be late and unable to call her. 

I was trembling with fury at mil and dh.  He later said I did.it to myself and that I should have known.  I.spoke with my own mom about it and she was like I can't believe she did that but it's her family mews.  That I should stay out of it.  I want to ask her what gives her the right to tell everyone.  Obviously if we wanted everyone to know WE would have sent out an email.  I am mad at myself for trusting her to keep her trap shut. 

So where do so do from here?  I know some people would think what is the big deal.  On some sense I can understand.  I am a private person and for me it was a big step to trust her with private information.  And this is where I end up.  My mom says if I say anything then I will be painted as the bad guy.  Just don't know what to do.  Even if I do say something to her what's she going tonsqy oh sorry, it was just the family.  Her family which I am excluded.  I feel used and stupid.  Stupid for trusting her and used. me innocently doing something and her twisting it to some drama.  If the family cares so much about us, how come we never talk to any of them?  The whole thing just is a lesson for me.  Told my husband I am done talking to her.  Will not be giving any info, updates, calls, gifts, acrds to his FOo.  His department from now on.

I realize.im venting here and being a little nuts but man, it never ceases to amaze me that no good deep goes unpunished.

Interesting turn of events.  My Dh is being a jerk to me because apparently MIL told "the family" and he is getting texts from random relatives we never talk to
. I am very angry right now.  At my duH and mil.  The thought of taking to fb has come to mind but I know that would probably (definitely) be a mistake.  But I admit to wanting to post a general thank for sharing our business.  Grrr

We were posting simultaneously grieving but wanted to say that I never considered my mil commenting on our pics as a reaching out to be involved.  Maybe it will help my perception. 

I called them, mil and stepfil.  Talked to stepfil chitchatted about weather as mil wasn't home.  Stepfil was kind, concerned and said he appreciated me letting him know

Then mil arrived home while I was talking to stepfil.  Got to talk to her too.  I told her what was going to happen.  She asked a couple of relevant questions.  Then launched into conversation about golden sil, my dhs father (her ex) telling me stuff sil told her not to tell anyone per her words!  Then on and on about gsils kids, gsils eye issues ad nauseum.  During this 7-10 min conversation, Gsil, her dh and dd all txt mil as ell as 2 ph calls.  I could have done without this entire conversation.  As soon as I saw an out I took it.

in hindsight, glad I told them.  Mil wanted to talk to our dd who shook head head No.  I told mil she wasn't really wanting to talk about it.  It is what it is.  Bottom line I did it and glad and glad it's done.  Now just to have the procedure done.  Thanks for helping me along.