Hi All,
My mom is almost 80 and she has planned her own birthday party. She is so excited and I am excited for her. I wish that she was not in the middle of this situation with DS and DIL but she is. I only told her of the situation and she based her own opinion. They blame me for the way she feels. She has said many things to my DS about DIL. I do not do that because I am too chicken.
The thing of it is, is that my mom saw the truth when she first met her. She immediately disliked her. I was the one to convince her to give her a chance. I really wanted to my son to have a chance for happiness and thought he was getting it. I mean he must be happy he is marrying her or else he feels trapped because they have a baby together.
I just feel bad that my mom has those feelings and she doesn't want to but she feels strongly that they are wrong about me and she is not going to sway or attend the wedding.
As long as she does not lean towards them, they will continue to blame me for everything. They say she is old and should never have been involved. But my mom is a very vibrant and intelligent woman. She does not let anyone influence her about things. She tells me alot that she is old but she is NOT DEAD. LOL
SAD
Sadat,
I can relate, as my mother was aware and in pain from DILs manipulation. I don't recall her being vocal to DIL, which was out of respect for my son and her grandson. My mother, always cringed and said to me that she didn't want to attend a holiday or function around DILs family. She knew that they thought they were superior. My mother didn't drive and said the only way she would go is if I drove her there. She went through the same strained visits that I did until recently. We were each other's witnesses.
But, these wise old girls, are not to be fooled. I disliked seeing my mother in tears one time, because she had thought she even had something to do with her grandson "putting up with" such attacks by DIL. She went through the same questions as to why he would do it. Her and my son were very close. She made no secret about anyone that tried to treat him badly.
Some mothers, do not compromise their dignity. It would seem they would "bend" to get along, but, many stand up. And, they do not feel guilt about doing so. I suppose it depends on our own personal experiences.
I think that is cool that your mother is planning her own party. :) I wish her a very happy one!
I will be 83 next month and I'm perpetually young because my husband is 98 and tells me that "I'm not dry behind the ears, yet." ;D ;D
We all go through life with different personalities, opinions, reactions and values. Some feisty, some chicken; many are an unpredictable mix. We face conflict in various ways from head-in-sand to overt war.
Luise,do you have any insight into narsissistic personality disorder?I wonder if some of our DILs would fit this trait.
I'm sure some DILs are narcissistic...but...we need to remember that most of the time we don't hear from MILs that are ticked pink with their DILs; we usually hear about the nasty and disturbed ones.
DILs come in all sizes and shapes. Some MILs, like me, have had the best and the worst. I have two DILs that would take a bullet for me. And I have had two that would cheerfully put a contract out on me. Same MIL; go figure. I think it's become pretty clear on our site that they bring their short suites to our extended families. Some DILs have very few hang-ups and some are darn near disabled by insecurity and a sense of being threatened. When control issues arise and war is declared, horror reigns.
Thanks Luise,I'm glad you got to experience good DIL's.You seem so loving,and i truly admire you.I still have one single son,and have always said there is still hope that i get a good spirited DIL.And your story gives me more hope.
I have several neighbors, that have son's Dil's and grand children, and the one called me the other day, she's presently in Floriday, but her Grandson, comes to her home, and stays with her, or helps her cook and clean on Holidays...before family comes, which to me, speaks volumns about his upbringing...her DIL's also love her and would do anything for her...and then there is the other neighbor...same thing, and my friends and family's dil's....they're all wonderful and I to enjoy them....there are many wonderful relationships out there....
I think everything both negative and positive that we experience with some DILs is also experienced by them with other MILs in other relationships. There are just as many disturbed, unbalanced and vicious MILs out there as there are insecure and controlling DILs.
What most of us are trying to do here is escape the stereotypes and find a way to deal with pathology without sinking into generalization. (That's an oversimplification, of course.)
That beautiful example just given by P/ is not the exception to the rule even if it the exception to our personal circumstances. When we don't have the same thing in our lives, it doesn't mean we don't deserve it or that it doesn't exist.
We get dealt the hand that comes our way and we band together and learn survival techniques. Most of all we experience understanding here...and support. Something that is often missing in our lives. It's called love and love heals. It doesn't necessarily change things but it changes us.
Quote from: luise.volta on February 12, 2010, 05:55:15 AM
I think everything both negative and positive that we experience with some DILs is also experienced by them with other MILs in other relationships. There are just as many disturbed, unbalanced and vicious MILs out there as there are insecure and controlling DILs.
What most of us are trying to do here is escape the stereotypes and find a way to deal with pathology without sinking into generalization. (That's an oversimplification, of course.)
That beautiful example just given by P/ is not the exception to the rule even if it the exception to our personal circumstances. When we don't have the same thing in our lives, it doesn't mean we don't deserve it or that it doesn't exist.
We get dealt the hand that comes our way and we band together and learn survival techniques. Most of all we experience understanding here...and support. Something that is often missing in our lives. It's called love and love heals. It doesn't necessarily change things but it changes us.
yes, it sure does change us....
yanno, I know at times I sound like I am demeaning my DIL....I'm not...more then anything I wanted to be her friend, to perhaps help her along a little, b/c I've been there, I've had a really bad mother, but had wonderful foster parents...sometimes I believe my DIL was placed in my life, to remind me of how lucky I am...I tried so hard to give my son's friends a safe, enjoyable place to be....I love children, always have...and used to prepare the biggest meals for them, get out my good china and crystal, so they'd all feel so special....and we'd all sit and talk after dinner...was a great time for venting....laughing, a mental intimacy...yanno....it was a wonderful time....and that is all I wanted to give my DIL, a safe haven...a friend, someone who knows where she's been....and I believe that is what hurts the most, and is the biggest failure in my life....b/c I've failed my son, and my GD as well....they will never know me as I really am....my son, has forgotten, who I was and surely doesn't know me anymore....
I'm such a better person now...and he'll never know me, neither will my grand daughter....
C - You haven't failed anyone. Please look in the mirror and repeat after me; "I have not failed anyone." We offer our best and perfection isn't an option.
Even when a parent fails, like your birth-mother did, your choices have been yours...not a reflection of hers. And your triumphs are yours as well.
Some of our adult kids take difficult paths in life. There's a fork in the road and they take the one that guarantees strife. We don't make those choices for them and we would give anything if they had seen where it would take them, (and us.)
Here are a couple of useful platitudes: if at all possible, "never say never." Miracles happen even though they may not be the ones we prayed for. And "it ain't over 'til it's over," dear one.
Luise, Really like those wise words and thoughts. :)
Get used to being "awed" Renny! You're in the right place! So many deep thinkers in this think tank - and Luise too! Heaven, positively heaven on earth!
This is a very healing place. And very addicting because of that..
Absolutely, Coco. That is the word and emotion I was searching for; healing. It feels so good after so much strife just for the sake of "battle" it seems. Life happens, but, it "should be" about joy and finding peace.
I am learning that everyone has a choice. Even when it doesn't turn out the way we hope, I am not around the verbal attacks and dirty looks, and such nonsense. That, in itself, feels so good. Now, it seems silly that I "thought" by putting up with that disrespect, I would be able to have an a relationship with GC or son. But, anything that isn't authentic, won't last, I believe. My son knows, and maybe GC will understand one day? God knows.
I am even getting over the "why's". It is the way it is. Someone calls me names, I gotta go. It happens to be family or inlaw members. That where it got "cloudy" for me. But, the clouds are lifting and the sun is shining.
We choose how we live to a certain extent. I am okay with it. If DIL grows up, I'll be here.
I agree with your feelings. Really, life is just too short to let others bother you or make you feel bad about yourself. I believe people are good at heart and I realize not everyone feels that way (it's a very general view and there are always exceptions). I don't believe anyone really goes out of their house saying to themselves, "I'm going to do something very hurtful to _____ today." I work hard on trying to understand people and have reached some very hard to reach people in doing so, but have ended up with such a wide range of friends to love!
I love this place and I'm happy you are here! It's always encouraging to see other women come in and see things so clearly. I've been there, so I know that feeling - what a nice thing when we can "breathe!"
Great to read this thread. I, too, have let go of the "whys" and have graduated to, "Oh, well..." From that place I can practice my own beliefs and values which don't include hating others and inflicting harm...or...spending my life reacting to those things. I believe that's the goal, (for whatever reason), to keep me off-balance and dysfunctional.
Nope. Supremacy is not a game I'm interested in playing... either as victim or aggressor. .
I'm hoping to get to that place too, Luise....this sitting and trying to come up with a reason why, has effected my health and my peace of mind. I will never know why, though, that people can't be nice to someone else.
I was thinking last night about how small the earth is, just hanging out there in space. I guess if we could see ourselves from way above, we'd behave. We're just hanging out there and SPINNING too all at the same time. Such a miraculous thing and we're blowing it.
I think and always have, that we are alone in the Universe. Just us and we can't get along. What a shame.
That is beautiful, Luise. :)
I think it should become the new mission statement for the site. Which got me to thinking about an idea to put favorite quotes in an area on the site. They don't have to be profound, maybe like, Orly's "valentine's deposits!" :) Just an inspirational area to place healing or even funny thoughts.
??? Or is that similar to "Grab bag"?
Renny
Luise, I'm trying, too...I stumble a lot. I can't seem to get it into my brain that I really have no control over the situation!
Chickie, your thoughts on our lonely planet remind me of the James Taylor song "There We Are." One part says,
"Drifting through time and space
On the face of a little blue ball
Falling around the sun
One in a million, billion, twinkling lights
Shining out for no one
In the middle of the night..."
It's actually a love song.
It's true!! We're just spinning....we don't even feel it spinning!! Everyday, just like clockwork, the Sun is up and just like clockwork the Moon is there. What a miracle!
Someone is a wonderful Architect!
Let me ask Kirk of it's possible to give us a new category. What do you think of "Inspiration?" Just a corner where we can go for a leg-up when we need it?
It seems to me that it's easy to get caught in "why." One of our best survival techniques is Cause and Effect. As in: Why is my hand burned? Oh, I see...the stove top is not a friendly place."
If there is a "why" and we can find a way to address and resolve it, that's the way to go. Saying "Oh, well..." smacks of giving up and I think it takes most of us a long time to realize it can also be a survival technique.
I just love you guys to pieces! :-*
Yay! Inspiration sounds great! What a positive thought!
I will contact him shortly and report back. ;D
Excellent, Captain ;D!
Well...I'm contacting Captain Kirk! 8)
Perfect!!!
My mother is 85 and I thank God she has dementia to the point that she does not know what my DIL and older son has done to this family. I am glad she is not aware of this hurtful situation.
So sad, CG. My mother (passed), would cringe if she knew that her adored grandson was being further manipulated by DIL against me. And, nothing seems to stop them. They don't have anyone or anything "taken away."
I've said before, I believe that dysfunction only has a certain "shelf life." Fate/karma, has to be there somewhere? I have been feeling a bit better every day. It is kinda odd that if I need to feel better, all I have to do is think of how I felt in their house. It is the creepiest feeling. That, "knowing-what-is-going-on" feeling, and killing me trying to be respectful just had to end with or without son's blessings. My health, was at risk--really. I kept thinking, "What if I have a heart attack over here"? What a way to go?
I forgot that I am older. No, I don't know everything (part of the wisdom). And, to continue under her rule, was literally killing me. It felt like watching someone who is wrong, lead us all? That what was confusing, the power and the emotions and the kin-aspect. Once, I decided to view the situation/DIL as a person not related, it made me see that I would not let anyone treat me this way. So why now? I usually have to be pushed to confrontation, but I've been realizing I can calmly state my response, even at the risk of not having it turn out my way. I cannot and will not live to someone else's control. I am too independent for that.
Thanks. A good thing to remember and to use as a yardstick. If anyone else did that, what would I do? A great tool regarding self-respect.
And, you feel so much better than just limping away...