My son and DIL are expecting in Oct. They were married in June and I was included in the bridal shower activities. From what I understand a freind of hers is throwing a baby shower for her and I was lead to believe I would be included in this shower also but now I have my doubts because it is on 9/17 and I have not received an invitation and my emails to her mom have gone without response. I don't know whether to start planning my own small shower or just let it pass. I have less then 6 people in my family to invite if I do. Most the time my son and DIL treat me like I don't matter. DIL has mocked me before about my son's not paying attention to me etc... I traveled all the way to Mexico for wedding and they barely spoke to me and my new husband the whole week because we don't fit in with their drinking habits, which was pretty much my son's only activity. DIL wasn't drinking though but she still avoids me at every chance. I just don't know what protocol is? I was already suckered into helping pay for the baby furniture and I designed and had a homeade quilt made for the baby. Maybe I need to grow some self respect and let it go at that. :)
Absolutely. I would step back, take a breath and do something spectacular for you. It sounds like you have done some great things for your grandchild, and it sounds like your son and DIL need to learn to value you. You deserve better.
Thank you! I needed some validation on this! It feels very odd To take this step back!
Yup, you paid your dues and then some!
Agreed! If your DIL is anything like mine, she will give you many other opportunities to give her more presents - more than you ever wanted. :P
Yes everyone, it is soo true. This is the beginning of a difficult relationship that will not get better unless you back up. DIL sounds a bit cruel too, so don't let her see you sweat. Mocking you eh? Hold your head up, you are a great grandmother and probably were a good mom too.
I made the mistake of giving in to my dil and son, and kept thinking things would get better if I were only patient. I put up with way too much. If do-overs were possible, well, I would not have been quite so understanding or needy about seeing my grandchildren. Sometimes you just should let go, be kind, polite to them but mostly to yourself.
I don't think you need to throw her another shower. I don't know if new-moms these days necessarily expect showers. I know I specifically didn't want one. Mostly because I knew that if anyone wanted to give me/the baby a gift, they would, even if I didn't have a shower.
I think you've done more than enough. When the baby is born, you can show up with a little 'something', but more a token than anything else. Do you have any superstitions? For us it's good luck to give a baby "hard" money (i.e. coins, not paper). So a penny bank, with some silver in it is considered a very nice baby gift.
If any of your 6 people ask about a shower, just tell the truth, you haven't heard anything, but you've given DIL xxx & yyy and then give them the address if they want to send a gift too.
I think I would have a little trip planned for the 17th! That way, if you should get an invitation, you can send your regrets along with a card.
I agree! Plan something else and no more emails asking! Since you inquired, it's now on them not you. You have contributed already and what you are doing is very nice. Step back and don't plan another shower. She's having one, and knows you would like to be included so it's in their court. You did what you could do and I'm with Scoop, give your friends an address to send gifts if they ask.
Pssshhh......"mockery" gets my hackles up! Hmmmpppfffff.....
I agree with everyone else, Meanlady. Do something awesome for yourself!
I passed on my first gc's baby shower after ydd's attempts to organize one for ods went ignored. Mil had already made plans for a large one. Even then, we sucked it up, until we were offered to work the serving line. Self respect is more than it's cracked to be. :)
Just very confused because one minute i am in and the next i m out. The whole thing is causing friction with people on my side of family because some did not get invited to weddimg shower. I didnt make out invites but i did put there names on list? I think my new in- laws are toxic! All of them drink like fish! They act like a bunch of high schoolers and there is no use trying to make sense of it. Sadly! I sent my email 3 days ago and have not gotten response from mil? I will take a deep breath and walk away from this. I know i dont have a chance for a normal relationship with gc and its sad because i would make a great gm. :). I still have a lot of energy! Guess i need to channel that into something more productive.
There are a lot of neglected little guys out there. Sending love...
ML, it looks like the vote is in...and I'm one more who thinks enough is enough. Spend the money on yourself and be elsewhere the day of the shower.
Etiquette dictates that a family member (through blood or marriage) does not host a shower - bridal or baby. You are off the hook.
Good Luck.
That rule seems to have gone out the window, at least in my area. :o
I found out there's a new etiquette rule:
If people don't come to the shower or send gifts soon enough, you send out a mass email saying sorry you missed it but here's how you can still give me gifts (with link to the registry). You do this starting in the 6th month - don't wait for the baby to be born.
This one has been tested - I wrote that this was bad manners and was assured it was perfectly OK.
I think it's time to pass on ettiquette and just use horse sense. (Nay...)
Quote from: Doe on August 28, 2011, 08:26:43 AM
I found out there's a new etiquette rule:
If people don't come to the shower or send gifts soon enough, you send out a mass email saying sorry you missed it but here's how you can still give me gifts (with link to the registry). You do this starting in the 6th month - don't wait for the baby to be born.
This one has been tested - I wrote that this was bad manners and was assured it was perfectly OK.
Wow, I'm almost speechless!
Wow, so people are just pulling new etiquette rules out of their whatnots? Unbelievable! I'm absolutely astounded.
I notice a lot of these new rules only apply to young people having showers or marking milestones; when do we older folks get to cash in???
We just say..."Hey, look at the new rule I just made up!" ;D ;D ;D
I keep waiting to be an official Senior Citizen, but they keep moving the age back. I get close and they change it. ???
There are a lot of them here. 55 in a restaurant. 62 for Social Security. 65 to be official. And for me, it's now been moved up to 75! ;D ;D ;D
I've never worried about proper etiquette to the point that I do something that doesn't feel right or wrong. I do what I feel is appropriate. As in the showers, we have always given family members showers because we want to. Maybe it's not the right etiquette, but it feels right to do it.
I also work the other way. I'm not going to do something that I don't want to do just because it's considered proper etiquette in a book.
I think etiquette is a useful tool, especially in tension filled situations. Like anything, it can be used as a weapon though. It does seem to naturally solve a lot of issues without a whole lot of fuss and drama if the user intends to use it that way.
I guess I see etiquette as someones opinion. There are so many opinions on what is proper etiquette. One renowned person says a face-to-face thank you is proper etiquette and the next will say you must send a handwritten card. Which one is right? I try to base it on the person and what feels right. I feel I am polite and respectful, but not necessarily Mrs. Etiquette.
I just upset one of my co-workers over "etiquette". She is having child number 2, one year and a half after the first one. I attended her shower and bought her a gift last time and I am not attending this one. One of the girls here at work is giving her this one and wanted RSVPs. I send back "no" and caused some hurt feelings, but I personally don't believe in multiple baby showers unless it's been years since they had a child. I only ever do the first one.
That's true, but I also think there is cultural etiquette which is useful.
And I agree on multiple showers, heck I don't even do one for the most part. I thought that purpose of a shower was to celebrate a woman becoming a mother, so it wouldn't make sense to have a shower for a second child. But again, showers aren't really a part of my culture, I don't think much if other people do them though. I do think it's absolutely rude to demand peoples presence for anything, especially an event that requires a gift.
Choice is nice...whatever happened to that? Did jumping through hoops replace it?
There may be many opinions about what is proper etiqette, but there is only one true authority on that matter: Me. So, if everyone would just bow to my naturally superior wisdom, the world would be such a better place.
Seriously, people can make up what they want, but it doesn't mean you have to follow their rules regarding showers, weddings, etc. Do unto others as you would have done unto you is pretty good advice for everyone regardless of personal religion. Also, assume no insult intended would go a long way to soothing things.
Lol herbalescapes!
Unfortunately since so many people these days feel the earth and the planets revolve around them, anytime things don't go exactly their way it is an INSULT! And they feel totally entitled to become enraged. "sigh". ::)
Amen, tmb. I feel like there are general agreements that existed as I was growing up that have faded away.
North Face coats, I think you should find another website to spam on.
I agree, those rules have gone the way of the dodo bird.
Now that I've been married a few decades, I'd like a wedding shower - high time for new towels, sheets, and small appliances, lol.
Showering you with love... :)