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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: willingtohelp on March 29, 2010, 09:56:13 PM

Title: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: willingtohelp on March 29, 2010, 09:56:13 PM
I'm curious what type of relationship you wanted to have with your IL(s).  What did you imagine it would be when they were just figments of your imagination?  I always assumed that my ILs and I would have a cordial and friendly relationship.  I saw things playing out a bit like how my mom and dad interacted with his mom.  They'd go over to Granny and Paps house about once a month.  Mom and Granny would have coffee (and I'd get to have coffee with them that consisted of about 1 tsp of coffee to 1c milk) while Dad and Paps would watch TV or do some yard work or grill out.   We'd all get together at some other location (eg, our home, a restuarant, the park) to celebrate birthdays or other "big" events (new job, promotion, report cards).  Holidays were usually spent at our home with the family descending upon it (mainly because my dad can really cook and my family likes to eat).   

While my mom and Granny were good friends, I wouldn't say that she treated my mom like a second daughter or that my mom treated my grandmother like a mom.  I define that relationship to be one where truly and completely anything goes.  I can tell my mom I need to pee (heck, I can tell my mom about my pee) and not be embarrassed about it.  I don't know that my mom and Granny would have ever discussed bodily functions.  That line was still there.  I'm curious about when people say they were getting another daughter....do you really want that level of closeness or just a good friend?  Would what I imagined be equal to what you wanted, more than or less than? 

Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: luise.volta on March 29, 2010, 10:20:20 PM
I wanted a woman who made my son happy. It never dawned on me that she wouldn't treat me with respect and kindness. It was just a given in my fantasy. I wasn't looking for a girlfriend and I don't think getting a daughter was an issue. She would be someone else's daughter and grown. I saw her as someone I would admire and respect. I had a full life and had lots of room for them to do the same. I didn't want anyone living in my "pocket" or visa versa. I don't think I gave much thought to holidays...I probably thought it would all just work out.

My two sons gave me six DILs. I know that sounds  awful but I set the tradition. I have been married five times. Each time I married the right man but it wasn't until my now DH that I found one that was willing to grow with me. I outgrew the others, so that what once was a fit became pretty difficult.

I was raised in a no-divorce home. I doubt there had ever been one back to Adam and Eve. However, I saw lots of dead marriages. Not my thing. My younger son's second ex is closer to me than anyone on the planet and they were divorced twenty-five years ago. My eldest son's first wife, and the mother of my grandsons, comes to family picnics etc. We are cordial but not tight. His second wife is the one who attacked me nine days after his death. We have learned to be cordial at family affairs. My younger son's first wife was a nut case. Then he married the DIL that I am still so close to. Then he married the Wicked witch of the West and now he has a great partner and I dearly love her.

So, there you have it...my fantasies and my realities.
Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: Pen on March 29, 2010, 11:22:32 PM
Good topic! I was hoping we'd be friendly, respectful to each other and kind. I didn't want or need another daughter, and she definitely didn't want or need another mom (her family walks on water.) I pictured all of us being grown-ups together, getting together for the usual family events and celebrations when possible but being OK with it if not, sharing those times with DILs family or dividing the time equally, and feeling comfortable enough to call when we needed to but not too often. I also hoped she would see that although we are different from her parents, we have interests and knowledge that would enhance FGC's lives. Alas, so far we're not doing so well.
Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: cocobars on March 30, 2010, 05:32:12 AM
I think the relationship I wanted with my DIL was more inbetween friendship and having a daughter.  At first I believe we had it, but when I started noticing that "ALL" my conversations had to be with her, I faltered a bit.  I wanted to talk to my son too and those conversations had been modified by her input.  If I asked a question, he gave me her answer and there was an echo effect in my conversations with my son.  We seem to be doing well now and I get to talk to both of them, but he's living at my house right now.  I hope that doesn't change and my son and I talked about it, so if they ever work out their problems I'm hopeful that we all can be better together.  We really had great relationships other than that but that was a biggie for me.

I always had  a great relationship with my MIL.  She was my best friend and pushed me to go out with her son.  My DIL was like my best friend also and like I said, that was the only problem.  My biggest problem has been with my son-IL and I believe it goes way back to when he hit my daughter and she broke up with him in high school.  When they got back together I threatened him, so that started us out on the wrong foot.  I believe he's abusive and controlling, so I just need to stay back and let her wake up on her own - I believe she will someday.
Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: Scoop on March 30, 2010, 05:50:17 AM
I was SO hopeful when I met DH, because his family is very similar to mine, we come from the same background, religion, culture, language - everything!  We even fold towels the same way.  It seemed like his family was close, but in hindsight, they only ever SAID they were close.

I was also aware that it would be hard for ANYONE to marry into my Family, because we ARE a close family and that it would be hard for anyone to measure up to my Mom - because my Mom is a saint.  She's one of those genuinely GOOD people.  My brother married a woman who can be a pill, but my Mom really makes a BIG effort to get along with her DIL (because she knows that the DIL controls the social calendar and access to the kids).  It's actually funny because we make such an effort to get along with her, biting our tongues ect, that she can't cut us off, so she gets 'punished' by spending MORE time with our family.

I expected to be welcomed into DH's family, like he had been welcomed into mine.  I expected to be able to visit and joke and laugh together.  In every IL situation I had seen, the PIL's actually 'favour' the SnIL / DIL, often sticking up for them and also trying learn about them, particularly favourite / disliked foods.  My Mom figured out pretty quick what my DH likes / dislikes and she caters to that (as much as she caters to everyone else's likes / dislikes).

A dozen years later and I doubt that MIL could tell you much of anything about me, she certainly doesn't know what I like / dislike to eat.  Or maybe she doesn't care, because I married the Golden Child and she does everything for HIM.  My MIL doesn't even know (or doesn't care) what her grandkids like / dislike, so I guess expecting anything different for me is just crazy.

I think that part of the problem between my MIL and I is that I considered myself a "grown up" and she considered DH and I as "the kids".  He had never stood up to his parents, or established himself as an independent adult, he had no boundary between where he ended and they began.  (I want to point out here that he had gone away to school and was working and living a couple of hours away from them when we met.)  I feel badly for DH because he still doesn't have an adult / friend type relationship with his parents.  He doesn't see them as 'friends', they're still more like 'authority figures', not that he obeys them or anything, but it's like seeing your teachers outside of school.

When my cousin got married, her IL's gave such a nice speech at the wedding, they welcomed her so warmly and so unconditionally that I teared up, because I knew that I did not and would NEVER have that with my IL's.  Even now, we're working slowly back towards each other, but I think there has been too much water under the bridge for us to ever be more than acquaintance-friendly.
Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: Kinzey on March 30, 2010, 06:44:34 AM
I really don't know what I expected. I had a very close relationship with my ex boyfriends' mom and I knew that it was an uncommon relationship for mother in laws and the girls. I didn't have an example to follow either because my dad's parents died very early in my parents marriage so I didn't see my mother's relationship with my grandmother. When I met my husband's parents I didn't connect with them very well because we are so different so I don't think we got past that first meeting.
Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 30, 2010, 07:16:25 AM
It just seems hopeless to me...our son's girlfiends loved us so much!  Every one of them wanted us to be their inlaws.

I guess it's just different when you marry...don't want us anywhere except when we're needed to do something.

I don't know where to turn anymore.  Just don't.
Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: womenrule123 on March 30, 2010, 08:03:45 AM
Hello ladies!!
I've deeply enjoy reading your posts!! I've been with dh for over 14 yrs now and we share a dd who we both cherish...she adds zest in our life!  ;)  Through the years, I've experienced the "roller coaster" ride in dealing with in laws, my own family and life in general. My mil is very outgoing, an only child, has two sons, been married for 40 yrs and loves to socialize. My fil is more reserved, very opinionated, has 3 siblings, and  he drives my mil crazy. He works hard and has been a good provider for his family. My bil is kind-hearted, loves to travel , engaged and lives near his parent's farm. I married the oldest son who has grown into an amazing family man and a loving husband. Sounds like a fantasy...doesn't it?? As I mentioned, it's a roller coaster ride but what family doesn't experience up's and down's throughout life. I love my in laws...whole-hearted! They are who they are and they are not going to change after this many years. LOL We did have major losses and various other challenges in one year...this did change the foundation of the family but we moved forward. It could have destroyed the family but that story is for another time! My ideals of my in laws were not exactly as I imagined but doesn't that apply to most things in life?? I do have another story to share (besides the one mentioned above) about my bil's future wife...can't wait to read your posts! LOL All I can say...my mil doesn't have much chance with the youngest son's future wife. Outgoing vs anti-social!! Ladies...many thanks and many hugs! XO
Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: cocobars on March 30, 2010, 08:06:27 AM
Chickie your whole situation is so hard for me to understand sometimes.  I would have loved to have a MIL with your sense of humor and personality!  They really don't know what they're missing and I can only hope someday things turn around.  I'm at a loss.  I hope you find something to fill your heart! 

Hugging you and keeping you in my prayers, where you already were, but I want you to know you still are!
Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: cocobars on March 30, 2010, 08:11:01 AM
Welcom womenrule!  Glad you're here with us too!  I agree with your statement that we don't always get what we imagine we want, and yes, most families have their roller coaster rides.  LOL!  I guess that's good even if we scream like a little girl!

When you get the time, why don't you post your own stories?  Sounds interesting and I'm looking forward to reading about it!

Thanks again!  Sending you hugs!
Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: womenrule123 on March 30, 2010, 08:16:21 AM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on March 30, 2010, 07:16:25 AM
It just seems hopeless to me...our son's girlfriends loved us so much!  Every one of them wanted us to be their in laws.

I guess it's just different when you marry...don't want us anywhere except when we're needed to do something.

I don't know where to turn anymore.  Just don't.

Hi Chickie!! It'll work out! Just allow them space to adjust to marriage and in general...learning to be adults and taking on adult responsibilities! It's not easy but I feel it'll work itself out! XOXO
Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: luise.volta on March 30, 2010, 08:52:09 AM
Regarding "the kids"...we do that, too. I think it can just be a healthy reference or it can be very demeaning depending on the bigger picture.

My husband thinks of me as a "kid" and I am 83.  ;D ;D From his position of being 98, it sometimes looks like that. He will mention something and then he will say "Well, you wouldn't know about that...you're hardly dry around the ears!" Or "There's no way you could remember that, you weren't even born yet!" More  ;D ;D.
Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 30, 2010, 09:28:37 AM
Thank you, Womenrule and all of you....but 16 and 17 years?  It seems like that would be enough time to adjust. 
Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 30, 2010, 09:31:03 AM
Quote from: Anna on March 30, 2010, 08:23:29 AM
Chickie, I'm so sorry you feel so hopeless.  I know that feeling, it's not a nice one.  Have you talked to your sons recently?  I know you have talked to them bit do they truly understand how unhappy you are, & how willing you are to love your dils? 
sending you a huge hug.   :'(

Anna,
No, I can't talk to our sons.  They run and tell the DILs.  It becomes horrible for me...one gets on the phone and tells
me off for talking to him.  I never dreamed I'd be dealing with these kinds of people in my whole life.
Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: jkm426 on March 30, 2010, 09:31:43 AM
I really didn't think about a relationship with a bonus child(in-law)until my oldest married his first wife.  Luckily that didn't last long(lots to this story).  His wife(now, my wonderful DIL set the bar really high.  She is more than a friend but not exactly a daughter.  I just love her.
My SIL is just another of my boys.  Yes I still refer to my grown sons as my boys and my daughter will be baby girl until the day I die.  I knew my SIL from the time has 9 or so.  He just fit right in.
The FDIL, she is making it very hard for me to tolerate her, let alone love her.  I used to ask about wedding plans, colors, flower.(you get the idea).  Now I never mention it.  I will show up at the rehearsal and wedding and go through the motions.  But I will not be blackmailed into losing weight for the pictures, going to multiple showers, buying a wedding gift I can not afford.  I will not be bullied into keeping my house up to her standards, changing my hobbies, other relationships or reordering my life to suit her. 
Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: luise.volta on March 30, 2010, 09:50:57 AM
OMG! Is she really bent on a FMIL remake? Good for you to see that the whole extended family thing has been working very well for you without any of that artificial foolishness. So, it's not you!
Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: Pen on March 30, 2010, 09:51:13 AM
JKM, good for you! I did try to measure up to my DIL's standards and there's no way I could come close - even if I could, or wanted to, it wouldn't make a difference. She was just using all those issues as an excuse to hate us. She'd have come up with something else, I'm sure. I should have saved my money and my sanity! We thought it would give us more access to our DS, but it hasn't.

IMHO, when someone has a mind to hate something, nothing you can do or say will change it. Because the hater is looking through hate-filled glasses, everything he/she sees will validate his/her beliefs. The opposite is also true - if someone has a mind to accept and love, then they see what's acceptable and loving about everything they see. Some of us got lucky, some of us didn't.
Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: willingtohelp on March 30, 2010, 10:19:11 AM
Pen, I think what you said about the glasses is true.  When I get rubbed the wrong way once or twice, I get defensive and start looking for the barbs so I can learn to avoid them in the future.  And I probably do see an offensive comment or action where none was intended.  That's something I can work on.  Trying to look at things as being from a loving place. 
Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: Pen on March 30, 2010, 02:15:14 PM
Yeah, Clover, I think Chickie said in a post awhile back that she used to be fun-loving, happy, the life of the party and that she doesn't recognize herself anymore; she doesn't like who she's become after all the horrible treatment. I feel the same - I'm becoming someone I don't like because I'm looking out for the bad treatment and adjusting my behavior to avoid traps. My glasses are changing from rosy to dingy, I guess...I'm looking for ways to get "me" back, and to let the insults roll off my back. I've not been too successful lately. If anyone comes up with a suggestion, pass it on :)
Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 30, 2010, 02:36:26 PM
Quote from: penstamen on March 30, 2010, 02:15:14 PM
Yeah, Clover, I think Chickie said in a post awhile back that she used to be fun-loving, happy, the life of the party and that she doesn't recognize herself anymore; she doesn't like who she's become after all the horrible treatment. I feel the same - I'm becoming someone I don't like because I'm looking out for the bad treatment and adjusting my behavior to avoid traps. My glasses are changing from rosy to dingy, I guess...I'm looking for ways to get "me" back, and to let the insults roll off my back. I've not been too successful lately. If anyone comes up with a suggestion, pass it on :)

MY DH called her (must talk to her only) and inquired about getting together for Easter.  She'll have to see.  We always
have gotten together but now, she shows her intense dislike about doing anything she doesn't want to do. Ever.

One time when other son and DIL spent the night with them in their mansion, DIL asked if she could wash the sheets
where they had slept?  DIL said no.

In a few minutes, DIL walked down stairs carrying the same sheets to wash so that the DIL who spent the night would
see her displeasure with them being there.  It was humiliating. 

We had kept the kids while they shopped last year...we had had some painting done and needed to get home to pay
the painters and the paint was still wet.  We called them and they wouldn't answer the phone.  They only came home when
they got ready. 

Where do I go to get my fun and sanity back?  I don't think I've truly ever met anyone who is so cruel. Even the cruelest
people I've met have some sort of redeeming quality, not her.  No longer our sweet son.  So afraid of seeing his Mother.

If we do get togther at Easter, I hope she doesn't show her displeasure.  Please!  One time, please don't.  I am getting to
where I hate holidays. 
Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: womenrule123 on March 30, 2010, 02:54:53 PM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on March 30, 2010, 09:28:37 AM
Thank you, Womenrule and all of you....but 16 and 17 years?  It seems like that would be enough time to adjust.

Wow! Now that's another issue...it's not like they're newly married. I truly feel for you!! XOXO
Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: Pen on March 30, 2010, 08:05:37 PM
Just common courtesy and kindness, that's all we ask. No drama, no diva behavior, no games, no holding holidays or grandchildren hostage, no playing DS against us or us against DS, etc. I'm too old and too simple-minded to keep up anymore...I want to enjoy my relationships, putter in the garden, watch the moon rise (thanks Coco!) and fill the bird feeders.

In addition, if I send money to Haiti or help a friend keep her house from foreclosure instead of getting my nails done or buying a new car, it's my business. If I choose to clean house while listening to punk rock, that's my business. If I choose to read instead of taking a toothbrush to the guest bath grout, again -  it's my business! Now you all know why I'm such an embarrassment to DIL & DS. Big stupid loser :)

Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 30, 2010, 08:17:06 PM
No, you're not a big stupid loser, Penstamen...you are a good hearted woman.  I'd sing the rest of the song but I know
you're in love with a good hearted man!!  HA!!

You keep doing the things you love...at least you're doing the things you love instead of trying to cater to your son's
wife's demands.  It's pathetic to get judged by someone else when we've raised great kids and have nothing to be
ashamed about. 

Dancing the distancing dance with the DIL is hard, too hard to learn.  I don't want to learn it....the Texas Two Step is
fine and dandy with me.  This whole thing is getting to be the Theater of the Absurd.
Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: mixedmediamom on March 30, 2010, 09:05:43 PM
Wow! I wanted to be close friends with her. Until recently she told me she loved me. She is in the process of getting

diagnosed and recently did something to drive a wedge between me end my son. What happened? What did i do wrong?

I am heartsick over all of this. And I am so ANGRY
Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: Pen on March 30, 2010, 09:37:23 PM
MMM, I understand your anger but don't let it get the best of you! It could make you say or do something that will ruin any chance of reconciliation. Take a deep breath. Talk to us. Don't let it pull you down.
Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: momX3 on March 30, 2010, 10:07:26 PM
2Chickiebaby,
I just have to tell you.......your thoughts are so right on.  DILs do act like they love us until after the wedding and then it is like "phoof".....we don't rate now to be included in her or
their plans.

I know holidays are difficult for me, as DIL always has a reason (church plans, family from out of town or whatever) why her family is getting together and it is all about that.  My plans for our family isn't one that is even considered.  I thought we would "share" holidays, then I realized "sharing" meant DIL's family gets Christmas Day, Easter, 4th of July, and Thanksgiving. I had to talk to myself and make myself realize that it will always be about her family. DS just takes it all in stride and he doesn't act as if there is anything wrong with this picture.

You hang in there.  When I read your posts, I either sit here and laugh out loud or I bawl like a baby, as they hit close to my heart.  I wish we lived close to each other, as I would adopt you for my family.

Keep us posted on how it goes for Easter.
Keep your fantastic sense of humor and great posts on here.  ;)

Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 31, 2010, 04:28:55 AM
Quote from: momX3 on March 30, 2010, 10:07:26 PM
2Chickiebaby,
I just have to tell you.......your thoughts are so right on.  DILs do act like they love us until after the wedding and then it is like "phoof".....we don't rate now to be included in her or
their plans.

I know holidays are difficult for me, as DIL always has a reason (church plans, family from out of town or whatever) why her family is getting together and it is all about that.  My plans for our family isn't one that is even considered.  I thought we would "share" holidays, then I realized "sharing" meant DIL's family gets Christmas Day, Easter, 4th of July, and Thanksgiving. I had to talk to myself and make myself realize that it will always be about her family. DS just takes it all in stride and he doesn't act as if there is anything wrong with this picture.

You hang in there.  When I read your posts, I either sit here and laugh out loud or I bawl like a baby, as they hit close to my heart.  I wish we lived close to each other, as I would adopt you for my family.

Keep us posted on how it goes for Easter.
Keep your fantastic sense of humor and great posts on here.  ;)

Thank you, Mom3....it helps just knowing there are "others" out there. The sons are so in "controlled" situations.  If they
are happy, I should be happy.  I wonder where they got the idea that control was love, though? 
Thank you for the encouragement...it means so much to me...XOXO
Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: luise.volta on March 31, 2010, 08:35:53 AM
Some DILs. Not all. That needs to be reinforced. We don't have a negative DIL profile here. We have negative experiences sometimes. We need to honor the lovely DILs ous site by by not generalizing. We all know the pain when MILs are generalized. Sending love, hugs and Pings!
Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on March 31, 2010, 10:26:49 AM
Quote from: luise.volta on March 31, 2010, 08:35:53 AM
Some DILs. Not all. That needs to be reinforced. We don't have a negative DIL profile here. We have negative experiences sometimes. We need to honor the lovely DILs ous site by by not generalizing. We all know the pain when MILs are generalized. Sending love, hugs and Pings!

Some DILs, not the ones on this site.  Not yours, just mine. 
Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: luise.volta on March 31, 2010, 09:29:07 PM
C/B - Please put me in your prayers. I just had Val admitted to our nursing facility and my heart is broken.
Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: Hope on April 01, 2010, 08:20:55 PM
Luise,
We are here to give you support and help hold you up.  You are going through so much.  Sending prayers your way.......
Love and hugs, Hope
Title: Re: What relationship did you want to have?
Post by: michelledona on April 07, 2010, 09:23:47 AM
anything but the one we have... it's at the point of no return... I'd be happy with even a slight improvement though...