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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: belweav on September 14, 2010, 04:16:28 PM

Title: This is my story
Post by: belweav on September 14, 2010, 04:16:28 PM
I just want to say I'm so grateful that I found this site. I have been in so much pain since March when my dil decided after almost three years of being at their beck and call watching my biological grandson, that I was neglecting her oldest son(my step gs) to take out revenge against her. I had been putting up with her nonsense for 2 years but this time my husband witnessed it. He went ballastic. Told my son that what she did was hateful and it was time for us to let them go and deal with their life on their own. I hated that because I knew I would not be allowed to see the grandson.  It has be six months now and it has not gotten any better. I suffer from depression and I'm on two different antidepressants because I don't want to be hospitalized.
We still pay for their cell phones because we held out the hope that they would contact us and reconcile. But now with my oldest son getting married, they have decided not to attend his wedding. This is hurting my future dil, who is a very nice, kind person. I feel so betrayed by my son who was not raised to behave this way and just have found no way to let go of the pain.
Title: Re: This is my story
Post by: luise.volta on September 14, 2010, 05:25:38 PM
We see so much of this. They make stupid decisions and we are stuck with them. Keep coming here, we understand and support you as you find ways to love and heal yourself.
Title: Re: This is my story
Post by: Miss Understood on September 14, 2010, 05:58:30 PM
Belweav....Read the old posts...you'll see that you aren't alone. I wish you the best in this....wish all the women the best in what they are going through.
I have to ask...why are you paying their cell phone bills when they can't speak to you? I would simply let them know that if you aren't good enough to be a part of their family and work this out, then your money must not be good enough either. 6 months was long enough for them to find a new cell phone plan. I'd give them a date (end of billing cycle) for them to either meet and resolve things or find a new cell plan. I know you are afraid....but once...my oldest DD (who is a wonderful woman now) went through a time in college where she ran our cell bill $300-$500 OVER each month...finally....I said enough was enough and if she went over...C'ya to the phone she was on her own. That scared me because I wanted her to have a phone and wanted to be able to call me since she went out of town. She actually cancelled the phone and got her own. I think she called me a week later to give me her # after she was never going to speak to me again. I know she is a DD, not a DS and DIL...so.....spend the money on you and DH and enough of the gimmy gimmy and you get nothing.
Keep your chin up. It's the principle and they know they don't have to do anything to work on the relationship...you are making this too easy.
OMG....I am talking and I just had a giant step towards sanity and not the pitty party. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! You deserve that. Stand on the truth and only the truth.
Title: Re: This is my story
Post by: belweav on September 14, 2010, 06:10:14 PM
We've kept paying the phones so in case they wanted to reconcile they could contact us. Right now my oldest son is getting married at the end of October and asked that we wait until after the wedding to spare everyone the drama during this time up until they get married. I tend to agree since the turmoil they would cause would be tremendous. And my husband as insisted that I not contact them at all so I have been unable to talk to my son and ask him why.

Title: Re: This is my story
Post by: Miss Understood on September 15, 2010, 12:42:03 AM
If they aren't coming to the wedding...how much more drama can it bring? I understand you want to wait till afterwards hoping that they will come. But did you read what you wrote: We've kept paying the phones so in case they wanted to reconcile they could contact us If they want to reconcile with you...they would contact you even if they didn't have those cell phones. This may come out sounding harsh because it is typed and sometimes typed conversations don't always come out the way they are intended, but do you think it is possible...in your thoughts here...that they are trying to see how far they can manipulate you into treating you the way you shouldn't and see what you will or won't do for them? If they can't talk to you and cut you out...why wouldn't they look for a different phone service? Do you get the bills? Are they really using the phones? The only reason I ask that...Maybe they aren't really using the phones and got their own phone service and didn't tell you. When my DIL and DS got married...my DS was on my phone, of course he had just gotten out of highschool...DIL was on her dad's plan and didn't even tell him for 5 months that she got new phone plan with DS. He paid the bill for 5 months without knowing. So, I would see if they are even using them...just incase. Also....If they are...do you think everytime they pick up the phone that they are saying, "Gee...we are so grateful we have these wonderful phones...I need to thank my MIL/DM and give her a call and let her know we are thinking about her and should respect her more?
My DIL posts negative and cruel stuff on FB with the computer that I gave her...I am sure that everytime she turns that thing on she is not thinking, "Gee my wonderful and kind MIL gave me this awsome computer...I need to be respectful and not post things that would purposely destroy her on it." Or every time she drives her car, "AW GEE...my FIL and MIL put brand new tires on my car and had it serviced so my DD and I can have a safe ride and I think I'll stop by and bring the GD for a visit to thank them and let them know I appreciate their generosity and how much we are glad to have them in our lives."
NOPE! They do not. They are spoiled brats who expect us to give and do regardless how horrible they treat us. I would take that cell phone money you spend on them and do something nice for yourself...like weekly manicures, maybe special dinners or how about a housekeeper. If they can't afford a cell phone, they can get change and use payphones if they are out like we all used to do before the days of convenience.
CHIN UP and enjoy the wedding. Your other DS will love you so much more if you let him shine that day. Put on a happy face and be there totally for him. Make the day all about him and don't allow yourself to go to that dark place that allows you to feel bad that your other DS is not there. You cannot take back these special events that occur and someday your other DS will regret that he was not there for his brother...but it is a day and I guarantee you will get through it and soon it will be the day after the wedding. SO...PLEASE make it a wonderful day so you don't have regrets.
Title: Re: This is my story
Post by: belweav on September 15, 2010, 04:49:29 PM
Actually I check our bill online and they do use the phones. And you're right, they know where we live. No they feel they are entitled to the phones, and the other things of ours that they kept.

It's been a juggline act trying to keep my husband calm and my oldest's wedding. I was there when my oldest got the card. He just tore the card up, told his almost wife and said he was relieved because he had been worried they would cause problems at the wedding.

But I've only been on this site for two days, and I feel my sanity coming back because I can talk about this situation. I don't have any close friends because my time had been tied up in babysitting the gs and working full time plus attending school full time.
You didn't come across harsh. It's just that sometimes the truth sounds harsh. I'm counting the days until November 1st.
Title: Re: This is my story
Post by: Miss Understood on September 15, 2010, 05:26:39 PM
Keep your chin up and you'll get through this. Find something that works for you. Something that takes you away from the pain even if it's just a moment. I'll be thinking about you.
Title: Re: This is my story
Post by: barelythere on September 15, 2010, 05:56:51 PM
Sometimes I think you get overwhelmed with memories of things you endured at the hands of your inlaws.  It might be MIL or DIL.  When it happens with the wives of sons, you lose everything, though, even your very self esteem.  You forget what you once were.  This comes and goes until it's like a death where you pass through all the stages but get stuck in them and go back and forth into another stage that you thought you were already done with. Losing your son this way when you've been nothing but the best on earth is too much sometimes.  I think I'm back in the stage of Anger today. I want back in Acceptance, thank you. I let go of so much she said and did to me over the years.  On some days they all come crashing down...like today.
Title: Re: This is my story
Post by: luise.volta on September 15, 2010, 06:01:15 PM
Yes, growth can be erratic and daunting. Sending love...
Title: Re: This is my story
Post by: belweav on September 15, 2010, 09:46:33 PM
It is so true.  I have days that I don't think about it. Then there are days when my husband just looks at me and shakes his head.
My doctor has been adjusting medication because the depression I went into when this happened hasn't completely lifted.

The sad thing is that I have a wonderful MIL. My husband was the one who had the problem of letting go of his mother. Unfortunately she is alone now and he is her only family. Yet she has told me that since my parents are gone, she is my mom now. But this problem with my dil means that she cannot she her great grand son.

I thought I was being like my MIL to my DIL. I didn't know there was a viper in her breast just waiting for a chance to strike.
Title: Re: This is my story
Post by: Nana on September 16, 2010, 12:31:09 AM
Barelythere

Great example of the stages we have to go through (such as when you are dying).  At least when you are dying you just pass through the stages once and what you are dealing with is going back and forth in the stages. 

Cheer up
Title: Re: This is my story
Post by: barelythere on September 16, 2010, 06:14:03 AM
Quote from: Nana on September 16, 2010, 12:31:09 AM
Barelythere

Great example of the stages we have to go through (such as when you are dying).  At least when you are dying you just pass through the stages once and what you are dealing with is going back and forth in the stages. 

Cheer up

I guess they are too young to know that when you throw a Mother out for no reason, it feels like death.  I'm sure there are Mothers who need throwing out but why, why does it 99% of the time end up being his Mother?  We loved our child too just as much as the wife of his and he love their kids.  With youth comes a sense of not being able to understand, I guess. It's the kind of thing that wounds so deeply, it does feel like death.  I want "acceptance" back today.  TODAY.  OH! I wish this on NO ONE!!
Title: Re: This is my story
Post by: Sassy on September 16, 2010, 11:02:18 AM
QuoteI had been putting up with her nonsense for 2 years but this time my husband witnessed it. He went ballastic. Told my son that what she did was hateful and it was time for us to let them go and deal with their life on their own. I hated that because I knew I would not be allowed to see the grandson.  It has be six months now and it has not gotten any better.

QuoteRight now my oldest son is getting married at the end of October and asked that we wait until after the wedding to spare everyone the drama during this time up until they get married. I tend to agree since the turmoil they would cause would be tremendous. And my husband as insisted that I not contact them at all so I have been unable to talk to my son and ask him why.

QuoteI have days that I don't think about it. Then there are days when my husband just looks at me and shakes his head.


I was very sorry to read your husband is insisting you not contact your son at all, going on six months.   I don't know if you've thought about a marriage counselor to help you negotiate some of the challenges with him.    Please don't take on the guilt for future DIL's problems, and the problems between brothers.  That is not within your power nor your responsibility.  Take care and well wishes.
Title: Re: This is my story
Post by: belweav on September 16, 2010, 04:22:14 PM
My husband is a lot like his grandfather who would simply walk away from people he had problems with. It took his grandfather four years to accept his ggs.

But I also understand my husband's position. He does not want to give them any reason to blame us again for their problems. He figures that it will get rough enough that their relationship will implode without us there to take the heat. And he is right because the youngest rushed into this marriage after only knowing this person 6 months. Not a good foundation for any relationship.
Title: Re: This is my story
Post by: Pooh on September 17, 2010, 08:05:32 AM
That and he is probably worried about the stress on you, and your health.  Be proud he is standing beside you on this and not allowing them to abuse you, as many on this site have issues with their DH not taking up for them.  Best of wishes.
Title: Re: This is my story
Post by: miss_priss on September 17, 2010, 11:03:15 AM
Belweav - your story is a sad one, and I hope it gets better.  I'm a DIL here, and I hope you won't be offended by my perspective.  It's only that, my perspective.

When people marry (or get into serious relationships), there are more "roles" created than just husband and wife, MIL, FIL, etc.  There are existing roles as sons, daughters, friends, siblings, etc. that we have to strive to maintain as well.  I've been doing a lot of research lately, and I've found that the inability or incapacity to maintain our previous roles, and be accepting of the new ones simultaneously, can be a huge factor contributing to the fact that about 15% of marriages fail within the first year, 50% fail overall.  Research has shown that "in-law issues" are very often a contributor. 

But it really is a balancing act of responsibilities of ALL parties.  Sons and daughters alike have a responsibility to their FOO's to maintain a level of love and appreciation.  Parents have a responsibility to support and love their children, but also have the responsibility to step out of the "#1" role in their childrens's lives, in order for the new couple to focus on making one another "#1."  SILs/DILs have a responsibility to their IL's to accept and adopt some of their customs and share parts of their lives with ILs.  ILs have a responsibility to accept SILs/FILs into their own "herds."  Parents and ILs alike have the responsibility to the children to maintain healthy boundaries, while the children have the responsibility of keeping "reasonable" boundaries.  All parties involved have the burden of maintaining open communication with respect.  These are only examples of those roles and responsibilites...there are LOTS of them for each person.  And those responsibilities and expectations for all parties involved have to be fluid and flexible for the whole darn thing to work! 

It's my observation through reading literally hundreds of stories, responses, and articles (on this site and others), that it's when one or more parties 1) fails to complete their responsibilities, 2) crosses the boundaries, 3) becomes less flexible, and/or 4) fails to maintain reasonable communication...that those In-Law issues root and grow.  And ONE person who fails will throw off the entire system, and the other participants respond accordingly, in ways that are either healthy OR unhealthy to the system.  Quite often, the actions, then reactions, then reactions, then reactions, then reactions leave the whole system so out-of-whack that we don't know how or when it broke or at what point to go back to repair it....and that's when we start to point fingers.  By that time, it's too late for any one person to take all of the blame, because our reactions to that person perpetuated the problem.  And more often than not, more than one person has reacted to the initial problem...which means that the initial problem has spun into something huge!  How do you stop a hurricane, one that just keeps turning, churning, and getting bigger and more chaotic as more people and issues contribute to it?

The only way I can think of is for all parties involved to agree to disagree and start over.  Its easier said than done though, and in "cutoff" situations, there is at least one person who's not willing to do this, and it could be ANY of the involved parties who intend to hold on to that grudge. 

Sometimes the hurricane sucks you up and takes your for a ride, even when you DID perform your own responsibilities.  I know that understanding the "hurricane" doesn't make coping with it much easier, but I've found that understanding it will at least help me be more aware of my own roles and responsibilities in my relationships.  IMHO, no one performs their "roles" perfectly, and I think everyone on this site has defaulted on their responsibilites at some point either intentionally or inadvertently, including myself.  I think it's when one or more parties lose the "flexibility" that "cuttoffs" occur.     



     
Title: Re: This is my story
Post by: cremebrulee on September 17, 2010, 11:42:55 AM
Miss Priss,
this was an excellent post...thank you for sharing

very well written and explained!!!!


Title: Re: This is my story
Post by: Pooh on September 17, 2010, 12:30:50 PM
Very nice post MP and you make some great points.

I too love to do research and have read everything I can get my hands on.  It's been my observation that the entire crux of most of our issues with either MIL or DIL here, seems to be that most of the give is from one side, and most of the take from the other side.  My friends and family that don't have MIL or DIL issues are those where each side has found a balance of give and take. 

I do have an opinion on the playing the roles perfectly thing.  I don't think it is about being perfect or never making a mistake.  Everyone makes mistakes, on both DIL and MIL side.  I can forgive a mistake.  I can accept that an individual makes multiple mistakes.  I make them all the time in all aspects of my life.  The difference is I learn from them, apologize for them and am not purposefully cruel.  Being purposefully spiteful and cruel is not a mistake, that is a choice.  And it seems that in most of our stories, someone is being manipulative or purposefully cruel.  It could be in the form of disrespect, emotional blackmail, taking advantage of someones love, generosity or just being flat out mean.  I did make some mistakes with my DIL, but it was out of anger and hurt over her actions.  I went on the defense and self-preservation course in the beginning.  I spoke to her harshly on a couple of occasions in reaction to her behavior, and basically walked off from her Mother a couple of times.  Did that endear her to me or me to her?  No, it started our relationship off badly.   I will accept my responsibility that there were definitely better ways to handle the situations.  But at the moment, it was a reaction to the issue at hand.

It is hard to separate your emotions, hate, anger, resentment, or hurt feelings when you do not understand how some one can cut you out of their lives, and feel no remorse as my DIL has.  She lacks character and empathy and it has absolutely nothing to do with our family. There may be legitimate reasons for her personality (from her childhood or such) and I can be understanding of why someone is how they are.  But that is not an excuse to treat others cruelly.  Life is hard and life is not fair.  Do I have demons from my childhood?  Yes, I do.  Does that get me a "get out of jail" free card to hurt people?  No, but for every bad part of my life, there has been a hundred good parts.  I have made the choice to be very self-aware of what the bad parts caused me, what personality traits they gave me, and work on myself. 

As far as my DS, its never been a matter of him picking her over me or wanting him to pick me or her...he's grown and married and she's his choice. I want him to be happy but I'm not going to be disrespected either.  By either one of them.  Thus the decision to not contact them and wait to see if they grow up.  I guess you could call that a "cutoff" but I prefer to think of it as a very long time out.  So although I agree with you that understanding someone gives you a better perspective on their behavior sometimes, and maybe help you deal with your MIL or DIL in a different way, it only works if the person understands themselves.
Title: Re: This is my story
Post by: luise.volta on September 17, 2010, 05:35:42 PM
Please remember that you don't have to "give them a reason." They will make one up. Sending love...
Title: Re: This is my story
Post by: Pen on September 17, 2010, 06:18:18 PM
Quote from: Pooh on September 17, 2010, 12:30:50 PM
.  I guess you could call that a "cutoff" but I prefer to think of it as a very long time out.  So although I agree with you that understanding someone gives you a better perspective on their behavior sometimes, and maybe help you deal with your MIL or DIL in a different way, it only works if the person understands themselves.

I love it, Pooh, a "long time out" instead of a "cutoff." Much less drastic. I'm picturing a very disgruntled MIL/DIL sitting in a time out chair in the corner. ;D
Title: Re: This is my story
Post by: belweav on September 17, 2010, 07:20:49 PM
Actually I am. He has never allowed anyone to be abusive towards me. I know it has been hard for him watching me hurting. and I love him for that.

We have been married 32 years. I was 16 and he was 19 so we've been together for a while.
Title: Re: This is my story
Post by: Pooh on September 20, 2010, 08:11:17 AM
Oh Pen!  Thanks for that visual.  A bench in a corner labeled "time out bench", the size being for a child, and our grownup MILs or DILs sitting there, arms crossed, sulking....OH LOL!!! ;D

Belweav, that is wonderful!
Title: Re: This is my story
Post by: Nana on September 20, 2010, 10:22:59 PM
Bealweave


I am so sorry all this is happening you.  I know the feeling you mentioned about you expecting to have an excellent relationship such as the one you had with mil.  I thought so too at the beginning.  My mil and I are still close friends.  I watched my mother also be a wonderful mil to my sisters-in-law.  I really thought when I was starting a family (marriage) that this was the way it was all the time.  New nothing then.   

I wish you the best of luck and do not lose hope.  Sometimes things do get better. 

You are also very lucky to have your husband that cares about you.   

By the way I have 34 years married to the same man.  And it seems as five minutes (but under water lol).  That is why I sometimes think that husbands should be more important to us than our own children because they (the good ones) will stick to us forever and support us when we are having problems with our grown children.   

My children are the most important persons in my life but I know that they can be so unworthy and ungrateful.   But as someone posted.  Its in our nature. 
Title: Re: This is my story
Post by: belweav on September 21, 2010, 06:44:42 AM
Sometimes it is hard for my husband because he is the one who put his foot down and said no more.
And yes, I think that we as mothers tie so much of ourselves into our children because of the years of raising them.
To be honest, I suffered greatly from the empty nest syndrome because through out the years my husband was more involved with his mother and grandmother than he was with his own family.
Yet again my MIL has been a cheerleader for me over the years and I've learned that she was not in competition with me. My husband just couldn't cut the ties.
It's sad if you think about it. The ladies here struggle with all of this because I think they truly love their ds and felt that the family circle was becoming complete with the addition of a dil. It is a shock when it doesn't turn out that way.

I know that I really liked my dil but suspected this was coming because she had already made sure I didn't call my son. We did walk on eggshells around her because we never knew what would set her off. You could actually track when she was on her period because that time of the month was treacherous and most of the problems arose during that time.


Miss_Priss
I do agree with you. Is funny because my mistake was believing that everyone was making the adjustements that you were talking about. We removed ourselves or I should say that my husband removed us because he wants them to not have us as a reason to have problems in their marriage.
She found ways to make everything our fault even though we would sit and hold her hand and tell her that they could work things out.
I might add one of the problems were the son she had from the her first relationship. He never helped actually made things worse because he had never been disiplined as a younger child.
However your insight is valuable because it is obvious that you have really thought about these issues. Never stop learning. We need that kind of insight.