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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: 2chickiebaby on February 23, 2010, 06:21:48 AM

Title: The Blessing Here
Post by: 2chickiebaby on February 23, 2010, 06:21:48 AM
I can see where on this site, the DILs can help us in so many ways on how to deal with our own DILs and family members. :)

Like Scoop, she and the others can give us sometimes funny comments to give us ammunition when we are confronted without warning with baffling remarks, hurtful remarks from our DILs.

Most of us have these things come out of nowhere so we are so shocked by them that we stay silent.  We need to understand what is going on and I think, I hope and pray they can help. :)
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: cocobars on February 23, 2010, 06:40:48 AM
This is a good post Chickie!

What a profound and true statement.  This started out as a site for MIL's (MILU), but without the input of the DIL's we have had, there are things we would never understand.

Carmexx just replied this morning to Renny's post about her upcoming BD's, etc ("How to deal with DIL's BD).  We have been racking our brains on this post trying to help Renny figure out what to do, but she just walked in and said the simplest thing, which made more sense than any of us! 

I have noticed this happening so much, and really am growing to have even more of an appreciation of our DIL's on this site for their understanding and perceptions!
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: 2chickiebaby on February 23, 2010, 06:44:51 AM
me too, at first I was afraid of them but now, I think they will be more help to us and maybe us to them than we ever dreamed.

What a true miracle.....I never dreamed it would happen like this. That's the thing with miracles, they happen when you least expect it. :)
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: cocobars on February 23, 2010, 06:48:14 AM
 :)
Each one of them has brought something special in with them.  Scoop has kept us rolling with laughter, you are right about her!
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: cocobars on February 23, 2010, 07:02:14 AM
The simple fact that your own fears have been put to rest, is a miracle!  You are feeling better about your site and more comfortable with women who (in your past) have been a great source of sorrow for you, Chickie. 

I see the difference :)

Not only are we healing, but we are growing!
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: renny97 on February 23, 2010, 11:10:21 AM
I definitely agree. It is okay to find humor. This stuff, seems so ridiculous to have to contend with. I never thought as I got older, I'd have to walk into a room of bullies, and get ready to rumble....Who knew?

I totally view the posts, as help and nothing but. I am so blessed to have a venting post of mine, turn into such supportive advice and caring.

I am aware that I have to take on the whole room...because it is just basically unfair.

A few members of her family are morbidly obese--I have NEVER ever made one comment. My DIL, feeling bad one day? Said to me that "it runs in her family." It must have just crossed her mind? That would be easy to attack if I was an evil as they. But, they don't consider anyone else's feelings.

I thank the DILs knowing that they really do care about MILs that are really getting the full blast from inlaws. Like I said, everything I say doesn't come out exactly right, but they are taking their issues out on me. I cannot imagine their personal lives or what they call "love."
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: thesecondwife on February 24, 2010, 02:44:23 PM
This is a sweet post. It makes me happy. I had an extreme MIL case before with my XMIL and I know what its like to deal with someone very dysfunctional and Narcissistic. My own M has a DIL that can be difficult to her and it hurts me how that happens. My M is a reasonable person and sweet and is not meddling. So I can see it from both ends of the spectrum and appreciate hurt feelings on both sides. Not all MIL's are evil just like not all DIL's are evil. But there are a select few who are. ;) And those people are the reason we go on the internet and type in a search for difficult IL's hoping to find others who are going through the same thing we are. Finding these communities on line are a God send and blessing.

Oh and I know some good resources on line for verbal abuse and info on Narcissists. :) Just ask and I'll be happy to help out.
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: cocobars on February 24, 2010, 02:59:30 PM
Hi secondwife! 

Can you go into the resources folder and post those?  I think allot of women would find them interesting and helpful.  There is a folder there for internet...
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: 2chickiebaby on February 24, 2010, 03:37:13 PM
Dear Second Wife,
Maybe you can help me.  After years of being drawn into the web by one of my DILs and used to death, worked to death and her turning me against the other DIL, I'm sitting here wondering how I fell for this?  This is CDIL (close DIL)

The other DIL was really hateful too but this one who I was close to, I realize is nothing but a user who will use anyone and anything to get what she wants. The second you have a need, she is not there, ever.  Not ever.  If you need one thing, even a listening ear, she has to go and can't even listen.

I feel used and am after all these years getting madder and madder at her and our son for allowing it.  He has dropped his own brother because his wife, for whatever reason, doesn't want them in their lives.

His brother couldn't be a more wonderful person.  He married a stomper, a fit throwing woman but in her own way, much nicer than the one I was close to. 

Help if you can.  What would make a human being use people for their own gain?  What would make her give just enough attention so she can get something from you.  She is the one I always referred to as Close DIL. (CDIL.) 

One thing:  the other DIL, (DDIL) Distant DIL,  has her own set of horribleness.  I'm worn out, really sad about them both but most of all sad about the close one.  I am nothing but a sucker. 
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: cocobars on February 24, 2010, 04:54:17 PM
Chickie,  forgive yourself for being taken in.  We all would have been if in your shoes.  When our sons meet these wonderful girls and marry them, we naturally think our families just grew into something big and fun!  In all the excitement, we "want" those women they brought in to share that excitement and would not expect to be used by them.  I can only hope your sons wake up and see what's going on someday.  You did nothing wrong. 

You loved them because your sons did.  Seeing your sons love these women made you accepting of them.  You may even say you were as blindly "loving of them" as your sons.  You woke up.  They may stay for other reasons they can't tell you about, but I don't believe men can live in a controlling atmosphere forever.  I believe your sons will come back someday.  I have to believe that!
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: 2chickiebaby on February 24, 2010, 07:03:21 PM
Thank you so much, Coco....it is very hard to know you've just been used.  I want to live through this but don't know how.
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: cocobars on February 24, 2010, 08:38:14 PM
I don't know what to tell you to do.  I've spent three years getting over being used.  I'm much better now than I used to be.  I don't think it matters who does the using, it just makes you ashamed for falling so hard.  That's why I understood what you were feeling, Chickie.  I had to learn to forgive myself too.  We are human and we need to allow ourselves to make mistakes trusting people who may not deserve our trust.  If those people will treat us that way, then they have no self-respect.  It's hard to respect anyone else until you have and know how to respect yourself.  Once I realized that one thing, I felt sorry for the person who destroyed my trust.  They are doing things like that because of "them," not us.

Hold your head up and give yourself credit for that huge heart!  It was DIL's loss, not yours.
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: Pen on February 24, 2010, 10:00:02 PM
You did what you did out of love, with all good intentions and pure motives...if they wiped their feet on it by using you, that's on them. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Erring on the side of love is a much better way to live than always being suspicious and never letting anyone in. Most of the time we get love back, but every now and then someone stomps on us. If it happened all the time, we wouldn't be here questioning it because it would be normal to us!

Now I need to listen to my own words :)  Aren't we glad we're like we are and not like them?
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: cocobars on February 25, 2010, 06:46:31 AM
I agree so much Penstamen.  The hardest part is usually listening to your own words and remembering them when we're caught off guard.  It doesn't hurt to keep trying!  Although sometimes it's just funny to look back at our own reactions when we are trying to look composed! ;D :o
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: thesecondwife on February 25, 2010, 09:38:42 AM
"Help if you can.  What would make a human being use people for their own gain?  What would make her give just enough attention so she can get something from you.  She is the one I always referred to as Close DIL. (CDIL.)

One thing:  the other DIL, (DDIL) Distant DIL,  has her own set of horribleness.  I'm worn out, really sad about them both but most of all sad about the close one.  I am nothing but a sucker. "

Narcissists use other people for their own gain because they can't see them as a person. Narcissists only see people as tools. It hard to understand too. And the fact that she gives you just a little bit of attention to then turn around and flat out abuse you, that is another tactic for control as well.  And you get sucked in because there ARE good moments too. There is a cycle of abuse. It goes - rise of tension, abuse, honeymoon period. Don't blame yourself for being a sucker. Its not your fault. ((((hugs))))

I honestly can't understand why someone would intentionally hurt another person too. We can't understand because we are not that way. You can't understand someone who is mentally ill, just as Narcissism is a personality disorder.
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: 2chickiebaby on February 25, 2010, 09:56:37 AM
Thank you, Second Wife, so much!  I know it's not my fault.  I will lose my son, though if I get out of it.  (and grandchildren!) :'(

She doesn't boast about herself (although there are many beauty queen titles she has) but her sole purpose if to control others and SHE DOES. 
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: thesecondwife on February 25, 2010, 10:00:59 AM
The thing is too, if your son is in an abusive relationship, the best thing you can do is be available to him, even if he no longer contacts you. He'll still need his support system eventually. His friends and FOO are his support system. I'll never forget how my M and D were there for me even when my XH was rude to them. What I tell my M and I'll tell you too is to just keep going, stay true to yourself, and things will work out in the end. ((((hugs))))

And Cocoa, I posted a LOT in the internet forum!  :o
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: 2chickiebaby on February 25, 2010, 10:10:43 AM
SecondWife,  keep posting...you are more help than you know....thank you :)
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: 2chickiebaby on February 25, 2010, 01:50:55 PM
SecondWife,
Is it possible that our son is a narcissist too?  Are they ever married to each other?  I see a lot of him in these traits!!
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: cocobars on February 25, 2010, 02:44:56 PM
Quote from: thesecondwife on February 25, 2010, 10:00:59 AM

And Cocoa, I posted a LOT in the internet forum!  :o

Great!  I'm going to check them later!  I'm happy you posted them! ;D
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: Marilyn on February 25, 2010, 03:02:42 PM
Chickie,has your son changed?Are did you see these traits before he got married?
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: 2chickiebaby on February 25, 2010, 03:11:42 PM
Yes he did change about 6 years into the marriage. It took her awhile with him
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: Marilyn on February 25, 2010, 04:50:21 PM
Chickie,if he changed, thats not narcissist.Thats from the brain washing, don't you think?
After reading over some of the abuse sites,thats part of it.
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: renny97 on February 25, 2010, 05:14:52 PM
This is interesting. This is where my thoughts have been in the "recovery" process.

I think son started being "different" about 2 years ago? He didn't laugh like he used to. He became quiet. Everyone commented on how quiet he was. I figured, it was around the time of second GC being born and being dad for second time.

I wonder whether it was depression or maybe they were having issues? I mentioned to a friend one time that I thought he might be mad at me for something when son would just talk so short. Friend said for me not to take personally, maybe they were fighting about something and not even towards me.

Well, whatever it is, he is not the same. I used to tell others I had a funny (humerous) son..we used to laugh a lot. His view of the world is very different now. I understand, he has responsibilities--but, he doesn't want my input anymore or me? Something is bothering him.

Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: cocobars on February 25, 2010, 05:24:34 PM
Quote from: Mominwaiting on February 25, 2010, 04:50:21 PM
Chickie,if he changed, thats not narcissist.Thats from the brain washing, don't you think?
After reading over some of the abuse sites,thats part of it.
I think it's the brain washing too! It just makes sense if he really didn't have those traits before.  He's trying so hard to please, that he is really taking on her personality as much as he can.  I believe he may also be doing that to try to hold on to a peaceful environment at home.  That's just my suspicions.  You never know what he has had to put up with behind closed doors, and we (most of us) will do so much to get that praise from someone we love.
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: Carmexx on February 26, 2010, 05:53:39 AM
I've seen that happen before in a couple I know. The wife is the epitome of spite, anger, rudeness, and the husband had always been the jovial and happy one. After many years, he started taking on her character traits, and I was so shocked. However, years after that, he began to openly complain about her way of being. He once sarcastically said to a group of friends that he wanted to congratulate his wife on Mother's Day because she was like a mother to him -always screaming at him and scolding him.

We all laughed because it was so shocking, but we saw that as the first crack in his acceptance in her way of being.

My brother was also in a very abusive relationship for about 3 years, and he went through a miniature cycle that I described above. The good thing is that even though he didn't confide in my parents, he is very close to his siblings, and we just used different tactics to help him realize this was never going to get better. My younger sister is very feisty, and she would always tell him to break up. Sometimes that helped him, but sometimes that alienated him. My older sister is calm and thoughtful, and she would give him insight. I was also more calm and would try to give him objective views (while boiling inside), so he would often come to me because he didn't feel judged.

Ultimately, though, the one person who really helped him make the decision to cancel the wedding was her. We were there to support him, but she is the one who went crazy and made him realize that she was never going to change.

I'm happy to say they have been separated for almost a year, and there is no way he is going back. He is dating a sweet young woman now.

I agree that your son may be going through something like this if he had not been like that in the past. Give it time and be there for him (as long as it is not hurting you), and he will realize this too.
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: 2chickiebaby on February 26, 2010, 06:30:59 AM
Carmexx, thank you...and all of you, thank you....I have seen him jump through hoops to make her happy.  I mean it...never talking back, never saying a word.

You gotta remember, she has LOADS of money.  Also, she is beyond beautiful.  Of course, he is too.  They looks like models together.  Their kids are equally that way.

I am just waking up from "a long winter's nap' and coming to understand what is going on here.  I feel better knowing what it is.  So, Second Wife?  Thank you for making this clear.  It means the world to me.   I think Isitme brought this to my attention too.  Thank all of you. :) Even if I didn't mention your name, thank you!
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: isitme? on February 26, 2010, 07:39:40 AM
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on February 26, 2010, 06:30:59 AM
I am just waking up from "a long winter's nap' and coming to understand what is going on here.  I feel better knowing what it is.  So, Second Wife?  Thank you for making this clear.  It means the world to me.   I think Isitme brought this to my attention too.  Thank all of you. :) Even if I didn't mention your name, thank you!

Thanks to you too Chickie!  I haven't been posting much lately but have been thinking about how much my thinking has changed over the last several months thanks to all the insight I found here and all the support I got from people like you!
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: 2chickiebaby on February 26, 2010, 07:54:44 AM
You are darling, Isitme...just darling.  I know now that people/anyone who is really trying to understand will be here and not totally devoted to a hate site.

Thank you for being here.  It has been such an eyeopener for all of us!

I wish you'd tell us more that's going on in your life....

Coco, come back soon!!!!!   :-\
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: cocobars on February 26, 2010, 08:46:04 AM
My beautiful, tender hearted friend - I'm not going anywhere!  My hours are changing.  You won't get rid of me that easily!  HAHAHA! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

I love you too much to go away!
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: thesecondwife on February 26, 2010, 09:06:58 AM
mominwaiting is right. He sounds like he has been brainwashed. In the last part of the abuse signs list, it says your situation is critical if certain things apply. They start acting like their abuser, start to be more quiet around them...etc. My own brother has changed too. He never used to be materialistic and now he and SIL boast about all the things they have. SIL starves herself to look as thin as I am. She dies her hair to be blonde like me. I never knew it was a competition? LOL
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: cocobars on February 26, 2010, 12:06:36 PM
Quote from: thesecondwife on February 26, 2010, 09:06:58 AM
mominwaiting is right. He sounds like he has been brainwashed. In the last part of the abuse signs list, it says your situation is critical if certain things apply. They start acting like their abuser, start to be more quiet around them...etc. My own brother has changed too. He never used to be materialistic and now he and SIL boast about all the things they have. SIL starves herself to look as thin as I am. She dies her hair to be blonde like me. I never knew it was a competition? LOL
Ah, that brings to mind the saying "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery."  If she is imitating you, then it may be a compliment, but I believe it may be a red flag as well!  I have run up against jealousy and have found that sometimes it is the highest form of flattery and sometimes it's a sign of pathology. I think imitation IS the sincerest form of flattery - if kept in check!  I simply keep it in check!
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: cocobars on February 27, 2010, 03:50:11 PM
LOL!  In case you're wondering, I was struggling with that post and asked Luise for help.  I gave up and copied her words.  But her "sum" was much better than the whole explanation I was struggling with!  HAHAHA!
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: 2chickiebaby on February 27, 2010, 06:08:39 PM
I haven't been on in a day or two, realizing that my son is just as bad as my DIL.  Using us all these years for his own pleasure.  The best schools, all he ever wanted.  It has just about broken me and I don't know what to do about it. 

I fell in love with the granchildren, keeping them constantly for CDIL.  Now, they don't need me anymore and I've been thrown out.  This is too much to even speak out loud.  To say it kills me.  I can't believe I'm writing the words but it's true.  So much more to it than I'm able to say but these two are lethal, both of them.  I wonder where you go to get your heart mended? 

I look back and he's been this way all his life.  When he was here, he was so good to us but used us royally. That was okay, though because the sweetness made up for it.  He's changed so much with the money she has.  So high and mighty.  She doesn't like him to care for his brother.  He's afraid of her. This is way too much for me. 

Now, both the boys are out.  DDIL was so awful that we naturally fell for CDIL and there came the destruction of me.  I'm tender hearted and cared deeply for her and the kids. They knew it and both used us to death.  I am heartbroken.  I don't know what to do.   
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: Pen on February 27, 2010, 07:16:55 PM
Aiy, Chickie! What happened? You sound like you're having a rough go. I'm thinking of you...I know how it comes on all of a sudden and kicks us in the gut. Two steps forward, one back. Take care, you'll be balanced again.

Dealing with this pain and hurt is so hard because it comes in waves (tsunami reference, very timely) that are sometimes manageable and sometimes too rough to deal with. But if we've survived the first wave, or the biggest wave, or the most surprising wave, we can survive the rest of them (I tell myself...)

As you know, this site is my lifeline. But sometimes a post will trigger a hurt that's been simmering away untended, and it sets me off. I have to be careful to know what's my issue and what's someone else's, and also when I'm not able to deal with others issues 'cos they're so close to my own.
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: 2chickiebaby on February 27, 2010, 07:33:22 PM
Aw, Pen....nothing really happened except no contact, only thru DIL occasionally. Something just triggered this...I guess it was the narcissist thing.  To know they are both that way has been so hard.  I can't believe this!! 

I guarantee you if I called and said, "let us keep the kids or the dogs", they'd be on it.  I think.  The oldest GD is more into her friends now. That was hard!!  She loved me so.  A gradual decline in her wanting to do things with me.  I guess I've got on enough to what these users are up to that it toppled me over for a day or two.

To know I raised a narcissist!  I knew he was self-centered but showed enough love for us that it made it okay.  Now, they both are?  I just don't know what I'm up against  here.  I don't fit in anywhere.
Title: Re: The Blessing Here
Post by: cocobars on February 27, 2010, 07:44:01 PM
You fit in here Chickie.   ;)