WiseWomenUnite.com

Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: Deb123 on February 08, 2012, 04:40:33 PM

Title: In dire need of some advise
Post by: Deb123 on February 08, 2012, 04:40:33 PM
I need some input here.  My son is marrying Bridezilla in July2012.  One week I hear that I am NOT invited to the wedding, because my son's ex girlfriend is a friend on my Facebook.  (I don't chat or email her, she is just a farmville friend)  I thought that was somewhat of a lame excuse.  My son said it makes him feel uneasy.  I deleted her off my facebook, and Bam, I'm invited to the wedding, but for only 2 days.  He and his fiance came to see us, and we took them out to dinner.  Everything was fine, except the fiance really didn't speak much to me.  In fact, maybe only one or 2 sentences the whole time.  Then the next day, Bam, I am a liar according to my son, I still had her on my Facebook.( I never added her back, so I am falsely accused).  He and his fiance are done with me and I am not invited to the wedding!  Previous to all of this, my husband and I were never allowed to meet her family.  My son and her have been living together for the past 2 yrs, and apparently her family doesn't know this.  I was informed right after Christmas that her mother is having a shower for her, but I and my mother are NOT invited because they are having it catered and they just can't afford to feed 2 more people.  Here's my question:  What the heck do I do?  I've told her that if I have offended her in any way, I am sorry.  I guess that's not enough?  Do I confront her and ask her what's her problem?  My son is so darned messed up right now, and I agree that he is just as responsible for this high school drama game.  I need some imput here, ladies.................................  Do I crash the wedding, or get drunk that day out in some alley all alone or what?HELP!
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: luise.volta on February 08, 2012, 05:14:55 PM
Well, I think the first thing I would do would be to unfriend the ex-GF on Farmville...and let him know that you were happy to do that. No big deal. Sending love...
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: Pen on February 08, 2012, 08:15:01 PM
Luise, it sounds as if Deb already did that but is now being accused of not having done so? Am I right Deb?

Deb, you are in a very tricky situation. If you speak up about this it may totally backfire on you by getting twisted around to put you in a bad light. If you don't speak up you're setting the tone for how you will be treated from here on. Pick your issues - bridal shower not so important, wedding very important. Perhaps if you calmly & unemotionally explain to DS how much you love him & how he may later regret not having you & DH there he'll come through for you. If not, have a plan B; hit the road for a nice getaway w/DH if that's possible. Oh, and don't pay for anything that's usually considered the "groom" expenses.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope your situation changes, but to be honest it looks like you're in for a rough go. Glad you're here to get support and comfort :)
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: luise.volta on February 08, 2012, 08:27:14 PM
Sorry I missed that. Sending love...
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: jill1963 on February 09, 2012, 01:28:34 AM
hi Deb123,

i have to agree that your DS ex-GF being a neighbour on Farmville on facebook is a very lame excuse for you not being invited to a wedding.
  It sounds more like his current GF/Fiance is very controlling as are her family, i am not saying you should have to but her family haven't even given you the option of paying for your own places at this shower (although it sounds as if you did go you wouldn't be particularly welcome)  :( .
I think you have been treated appallingly, you should not of had to apologize as you had done nothing wrong!
i do not understand why your DS is like this but when people are "in love" sometimes all reasoning and common sense go out of the window, I understand that his Fiance wants a perfect wedding day but that should include family members from both side of the family, my wedding wasn't perfect and before it i had, had a falling out with my DF but it never crossed my mind not to invite him or any  other members of my family, it wouldn't of been a happy wedding without them.
It sounds as if you need a good talk one on one with your son to get to the bottom of it, would he do that? he owes you that courtesy at least, if you don't know what you are supposed to have done wrong how can you rectify it?

Jillx
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: Deb123 on February 09, 2012, 04:39:27 AM
Thanks for all your replies.  I have talked with my son about this the first time it happened, and he said he wanted me at his wedding.  But after 24 hours, the same excuse came onto me that I had not deleted his ex off facebook.  I'm beginning to think that he told his fiance that he wanted me there, and she really is the one who doesn't want me to have anything with my son or the wedding.  It is obvious, since I wasn't invited to the shower.  It does really hurt, he is my only child, and we were so close before this girl dug her claws into him.  I am so undecided as to what to do.  What is it with these girls now days?  They look at the future MIL as if they are some sort of competition!  I was raised to respect others.  Should I lay low for a while or call my son and ask him if he's been pressured to do this to me?  That is what I am beginning to think?
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: FAFE on February 09, 2012, 06:04:01 AM
Sounds like your son needs to grow a pair and tell her up front, if my family is not invited to the wedding, then there's not gonna be one.  Or they will run off and elope and have no family from either side there.  Are you contributing financially to the wedding?  If so, that is totally a no brainer - finacial help stops now. 
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: jdtm on February 09, 2012, 06:18:58 AM
QuoteShould I lay low for a while or call my son and ask him if he's been pressured to do this to me? 

Perhaps a bit of both and neither of both.  By that I mean that I would consider contacting him to tell him that you and his father love him very much and that you will always be there for him.  I'm not sure but it might be wise not to mention the wedding or the fiancee.  This could be your future - you walk on eggs around your son and "pretend" there is no DIL (because it sounds to me as if there will not be a DIL for you).  It is possible a relationship with future grandchildren and your son could depend upon the action you and your husband take re this wedding.

I haven't been in the same situation as you are in presently, although our DIL turned against us shortly (if not immediately) after the wedding day.  She worked hard to get us out of "their lives" (and I am including two grandchildren) and frankly, she succeeded.  However, three years ago (after over a decade of marriage) she left our son and both children and they are now divorced.  Today, we are trying to put the relationship back together - but it will never be what it was or should have been.  I so feel for you - you cannot "win" this; hopefully, you will be able to "survive" this with "some" aspect of a relationship with your son.  This situation can have devastating effects upon the health (mental, physical and emotional) on everyone.  The people here will be able to help you.  So sorry ....
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: Scoop on February 09, 2012, 06:48:04 AM
I think you should talk to your son.  Ask him what you can do to smooth things out between you and DIL.  He is the one who has the key.  He knows and loves both of you.  He knows what her triggers are and he knows what yours are.  So I think you should recruit him to help you out.  If you come to him, open and WANTING a decent relationship with DIL, how can he refuse? 

The thing is, you'll have to listen to what he says and do your best with DIL.  I'm not talking about doing anything you're not comfortable with or bending over backwards.  But it's an easy thing for you to not push her particular buttons, if your DS tells you what they are.

Another thing, for the record saying "I'm sorry if I have offended you in any way." is not really an apology.  It's the word "if" that messes it up.  I think the best thing would be to talk to DS and find out what exactly you did to offend DIL or further the distance between you.  And then apologize for that (if you are sorry).  If she's mad because you're Hispanic, for example, well, you can't really do anything about THAT.

I really think the key point here is that your DS can help you out in this situation.  Tell him that you really want to go to their wedding, because you don't want to start your relationship with them as a married couple like this.

Good luck.
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: Silver Spring on February 09, 2012, 07:33:49 AM
I don't have much in the way of constructive advice, but a simple explanation about the Facebook status could be that Facebook does not keep accurate records of friends. My daughter and I just experimented and she unfriended me to make sure that my privacy settings were in check to prevent an outsider from seeing my photos and vice versa for her. Believe it or not, my friend count hasn't changed, and neither has hers. She is still listed as a friend sometimes and others as not. Since I'm adding her back now that we got our privacy settings straight, I can't say what might happen in a few days time. I thought that information might be relevant to your situation.

Good luck. This isn't your fault, your DIL should just take your word for it, if it had to be asked of you at all (because I don't think it should have been). For the record, it sounds odd that she is that focused on your friend count.  It doesn't seem like a good path she is on.
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: pam1 on February 09, 2012, 07:34:22 AM
Welcome Deb123 :)

Please read the Forum Agreement and WWU History, both threads are located in the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.  Glad you found us, I think you'll find a lot of people to relate to here.

The way I read your post is that it has more to do with your son rather than FDIL.  He said *he* was uneasy with you being in contact with his ex-girlfriend.  I know it's easy to put this on FDIL but it really sounds as if this is a Mother/Son issue.  In a lot of our threads here we've come to the conclusion that if the Mother/Son relationship is strained, it is almost impossible for the MIL/DIL relationship to work.

As far as her shower, I think it is rude that she even told you about it.  It's ok not to invite people, it's another thing entirely to rub it in their face.  I'm so sorry you had to be the recipient of that.

Weddings really do bring out some of the worst in people. 
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: Doe on February 09, 2012, 08:03:16 AM
Hi Deb-

When my sons first got engaged, I contacted the families of the fdils to introduce myself.  Have you considered calling her mom and suggesting a friendly get together?  Not to rant but to get to know her.  You might get some insight coming at it from that direction.
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: lancaster lady on February 09, 2012, 08:24:00 AM
hello Deb and Welcome ..

July is a 5 months away , so I would back off and let him come looking for you .
Hopefully he will get wedding overload and need some space .
My son was a different person on the run up to his wedding , it's a stressful time .
No excuse for any disrespect though .
Just for  the record Facebook should come with a health warning !
It has caused a lot of trouble with families , mine included !
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: foofoo on February 09, 2012, 11:03:21 AM
This is my take and it may be totally off-base, but I am going to offer it up anyway.  My guess, and it is only a guess, is that your son has complained about things that occurred in his childhood and it has given his fiance a very negative view of his foo.  My basis for suggesting this is that I think this happens very commonly and it is the only logical explanation as to why she would dislike you without even knowing you.  I know things that my DH has told me about his family has made my opinion of his family even more negative than it would otherwise be and has made me even more protective of my children as I do not want them subjected to what my DH has told me he was subjected to.

As such, I would start with your son.  Find out if there is something bothering him about his upbringing.  If there is, try to right whatever wrong he claims exists as this may smooth over the issue with your dil.  She obviously harbors resentment towards you and if you truly have not done anything to her, either she is crazy or your son has made you out to be a jerk. 

Just my two cents.
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: foofoo on February 09, 2012, 11:12:31 AM
One other thing to note, my DH has told me a lot of things that his parents did that I found to be abusive.  I honestly don't think he understands why I am concerned that his parents may be abusive towards our children, because he views what they did as normal.  A part of me thinks that he told me all these things not realize how it would color my opinion of his family.  Sometimes I think he was just venting, but once he told me things, I could just not remember them and not take them into consideration later on.  It may be that your son told his fiance things that he didn't realize how she would view them.  Now, she has this very negative opinion and he may be at total loss as to why.  He may not understand his role in the problem or how she may have taken the things he told her.  Everyone has a very different perspective on appropriate parenting and everyone has a different normal.  If her parents did things differently than you did, she may view your disciplinary methods or child rearing methods with horror, even though others would consider them perfectly normal.   My DH thought nothing of the fact that his mom used to tell him that he was adopted cause he was too dark to be her son.  I found this horrifying.
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: Pooh on February 09, 2012, 12:46:09 PM
My take: It wasn't about the ex GF on facebook just due to the simple fact of what was said about the shower.  That was cruel.    Seriously, you are invited....you are uninvited.....you are invited.....you are uninvited....it's like 1st grade all over.  You're my friend....you're not my friend....you're my friend....blah. 

I wonder how it would have went over if you had told DS, "Look, unless you remove so-and-so from your facebook I'm not coming to your wedding." 
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: Ruth on February 09, 2012, 01:34:00 PM
Quote from: Deb123 on February 08, 2012, 04:40:33 PM
  Previous to all of this, my husband and I were never allowed to meet her family.  My son and her have been living together for the past 2 yrs, and apparently her family doesn't know this.  I was informed right after Ch


whaaat??? Am I missing something here?  How is it that this 'controlling family' could not know where their daughter was living the past two years?  And if this is the case, I think its self explanatory why you aren't including in wedding, etc., as she doesn't want her cover blown.  I find this all very bizarre how you could not know if your child is living with someone for over two years.
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: Deb123 on February 09, 2012, 09:13:00 PM
Thank you all for your support.  Your advise and support means a lot.  I feel for all of you that have problems also.  I have come to the conclusion in this matter is to leave it in God's hands and just love my son and his fiance with unconditional love, and to keep some distance for a while.  I think it's best.  We, as parents are the ones who set the example of what family and love is.   However, I will stand my ground and not be a doormat, and I believe that we women must remember that in all relationships............  Again, thanks for all of your imput and advise..............  Much appreciated........... :)
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: Pen on February 09, 2012, 11:23:56 PM
Quote from: foofoo on February 09, 2012, 11:03:21 AM
This is my take and it may be totally off-base, but I am going to offer it up anyway.  My guess, and it is only a guess, is that your son has complained about things that occurred in his childhood and it has given his fiance a very negative view of his foo.  My basis for suggesting this is that I think this happens very commonly and it is the only logical explanation as to why she would dislike you without even knowing you.  I know things that my DH has told me about his family has made my opinion of his family even more negative than it would otherwise be and has made me even more protective of my children as I do not want them subjected to what my DH has told me he was subjected to.

As such, I would start with your son.  Find out if there is something bothering him about his upbringing.  If there is, try to right whatever wrong he claims exists as this may smooth over the issue with your dil.  She obviously harbors resentment towards you and if you truly have not done anything to her, either she is crazy or your son has made you out to be a jerk. 

Just my two cents.

Foofoo, you've got something there. I believe that this could be at the heart of my DIL's treatment of us.

A lot to think about - I'm still processing this concept.
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: herbalescapes on February 10, 2012, 06:15:28 AM
Deb, I think you "solved" your own problem - leave it in God's hands.  Not to be a downer, but you've got 4-5 months til the big day, so if you came to a resolution today with DS and/or DIL, it could very easily be out the window next week.  Sounds like a lot of immaturity in this relationship.  Good Luck!

Foo, I want to thank you for bringing up a point that is usually lost.  A DIL usually gets her first impression of MIL through her husband.  There's that saying "You can't unring a bell."  If your BF tells you how controlling/dominating/selfish/unloving/etc. his mother was, that influences your perceptions.  Even if he's just blowing off steam and exaggerating, those adjectives are in your mind.  When my DH and I were dating, we went to his hometown for a hs friend's wedding and stayed with DH's parents.  His mom asked a few times if DH had picked out a gift (no).  After the visit, my DH complained about his mom "nagging" him about selecting a gift.  If I hadn't been on the spot, I would have imagined her asking a helluva lot more times than she had and been liable to view any question she asked as "nagging."  Since I was there, I could put things in perspective (my DH is a little oversensitive to his mom asking questions). 

Even if a man has a good relationship with his parents, how he talks about them could be slanted in a negative way.  Let's face it, in our society saying you call your mom once a week is a good way of being labled a mama's boy.  In the early stages of a relationship (and even in the later ones) a man may try to make himself appear more manly and independent in the stories he tells.  Add on that the different way men and women communicate, you have a perfect scenario for instant MIL/DIL dislike based on nothing that is true.
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: Deb123 on February 10, 2012, 03:08:15 PM
Re Foo and Pen, you both were right.  I had a talk with son today, and he harbors things from his past.  His father whom I divorced 12 yrs ago, was an alcoholic and into drugs quite heavy.  He was also abusive towards me and a little towards our son.  I know my son has issues about that, he has suppressed a lot of memories and I do know he needs counseling for that.  We both stayed in that environment for 14 yrs.  (too long)  Two years ago his father passed away, and I don't believe my son really mourned over his death.  My son really never went through a rebellious stage, and I think that he subconsciously believes that he can only have one relationship at a time?  Make sense?  However, I do know he has badmouthed me to his fiance and her family.  He likes to tell stories that aren't so true.  I believe that is how he tries to build his self esteem.  I'm not a psychologist, maybe I'm wrong here, but today, again on the rollercoaster, I am invited to the wedding!  Geesh!  Until next time, (or I should say, next day) America!  Oh the drama!!!

Before all hell broke out and I was uninvited to the wedding the first time, I called the parents of fiance about the wedding shower, to see if her mother would like to do a combined family shower, but her father answered the phone and rudely stated that they don't want to talk to me or my DH, meet us, and to never call them again.  He said that these were the wishes of their daughter and my son, and they are going by the kid's wishes and then hung up on me.  I was totally shocked! You know, I am biting my lip here, thinking what the heck is my son getting into?
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: JaneF on February 10, 2012, 03:25:46 PM
After reading some stuff on these posts I suddenly find myself angry! I am angry because apparently some sons bad mouth their mom or their family to DIL or FDIL, which causes them to have formed an opinion of the family without truly knowing both sides. GRRRR!  The last post about the future in law being so rude with what he said on the phone and then hanging up would have been the last straw for this lady I'll tell you that much!  People that don't explore situations and form their opinion on what "someone else" said are idiots.  I'd be tempted to be really mad at my son, and as far as the guy on the phone...there would never be a relationship with those people!  After going through all I have in the last 13 years with my son and his wife and her family, I guess I have been hardened!  I refuse to be a doormat, and I certainly would refuse to be treated like that last post!  If that is a sign of future relationship issues, I think I'd run like the wind or say ta ta...I don't have to tolerate that!  I wish you luck.  Sounds like a stressful mess.
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: tryingmybest on February 10, 2012, 03:43:24 PM
I'll tell you what I'd do. Call your son, tell him you love him, your door will always be open, and you will respect his wishes and give him space. Then no more contact. Financial support, cut it off. Block everyone associated with then, as well as DS from FaceBook, or better yet unfriend them. Get busy with your life, travel , reach out in a volunteer capacity. Let him see exactly what he's getting into. Let him come back to you, I just think it's key that you not get into any type of conflict right now. give him what he's asking for. Do not plan on going to the wedding or anything associated with it, and really why would you want to? Don't get mad, just do nothing.
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: Silver Spring on February 10, 2012, 03:45:15 PM
Unless issues were very very serious, I don't know that it is the DIL's place to hold the parents responsible for an issue between a child and parent. We all complain about parents from time to time, and I think we do so more with our spouses (who better than those that are closest to us?). I think many kids have a gripe about their parents but it isn't necessarily serious, it is just how they feel about a certain situation, and they still love their parents despite those issues. I think an appropriate thing to do as a listening spouse is realize that our significant others need to vent and that doesn't necessarily mean that we should become defensive of them regarding issues that they already have squared away or reconciled. Difficult to do, but it might be worth the effort. Even if we do believe parents have done wrong, we should try not to add fuel to the fire.

I don't know if that applies to your case or not Deb, but considering how you have not met these people and have tried to be cordial, I will go out on a limb and say a parent/adult child issue should not have any involvement from the adult child's in-laws. It isn't their place to defend your son, especially when your son and you are communicating to a degree about what is now going on and what has gone on in the past. I think I might say that even if your son exaggerated, no one perspective is totally accurate, even where there is no exaggeration. I do think your son's in-laws owed you a chance to make your own impression, and should have at least been respectful on the phone. I'm sorry for this.
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: Pen on February 10, 2012, 08:32:39 PM
Deb, what you said about your DS telling "tales that aren't so true" possibly to raise his self-esteem hits home. I can see that with my DS.

IMO, DS's unfortunate venting and DIL's need for her FOO to be #1 combined to create our sad situation.
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: Keys Girl on February 10, 2012, 09:47:30 PM
Deb, I've been there, and was invited, uninvited, "Crazybook" was involved and ultimately I did not attend the wedding because I wasn't invited.  I also had an alcoholic ex-husband who I'm told has told my son lies about me that would have had me in sitting in the dock with the Gestapo during the war crimes trial.  Since he lived with me for a couple of decades I would have thought that all the good things that I did for him would have given him at least a few decent memories.

This is a swamp, and IMHO, you'll be scapegoated for the next 2,5,15 years (or months) as long as their marriage lasts.

I would unfriend all of them with the phrase "I think it's better that the younger generation spend time on Facebook with people their own age". 

I would cut off any financial aid and do what your doing, letting God take the lead, however, God helps those who help themselves and I would plan for a trip or spa day/week in the event that you are not invited to the wedding.  I spent the day quietly in the company of some close friends, have never looked on anyone's Facebook page, so haven't seen any wedding photos and am no longer in touch with my son.

Never in my wildest nightmares did I ever imagine during all those years of taking care of him day in and day out that his wedding day would come and go and I would be banished from a place of pride there.

It's been quite a few decades since I married, and in those days families ties and expectations were stronger, with invitations mandated to be sent to someone's third cousin that you hadn't see in decades. 

Remember this isn't about you, except that IMHO you are unfortunately stuck in the scapegoat role and 2 against 1 isn't an easy spot to be in.

There's no bulls eye on my back, but as someone who has lived through what you might have to I would have Plan B ready, and I wouldn't tolerate the "invited, not invited", this isn't a game of "She loves me, she loves me not" that we used to play with daisies.

I would sit them both down and tell them that you are considering whether or not you are prepared to consider attending the wedding after being treated in such a badly mannered way.  They will likely revolt and tell you to take a hike, but I'll bet you $$ to donuts that will happen in the end anyway. 

Always deal from a position of strength, and if they can't accord you a minimum of courtesy, getting whipsawed for the next few months with the invitation being dangled as a carrot on a stick is only going to make it worse and if you aren't invited, send them a donkey as a wedding gift with a basket of carrots.  (Wish I had thought of that earlier and done it myself).

Take care, be good to yourself, and find as much solace as possible that your active mothering role is over and it's time to move on and find as much joy, happiness, laughter and delight in your life that you can grab with both hands.

KG



Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: lancaster lady on February 11, 2012, 01:20:32 AM
Deb.      Imagine if you do go to the wedding without this being resolved . That would be one awkward situation . I would have a serious talk with my DS and find out exactly what he has said about you .Kind of heartbreaking to think he has disrespected you in this way , sounds like he is messed up .  What are his inlaws going to think of him if he tries to explain . A tangled web indeed and one only he can fix .
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: JaneF on February 11, 2012, 05:28:45 AM
This post really has stuck in my craw! Perhaps it just reminded me of my own DS and DIL's wedding a dozen years ago or so.  Oh I was invited for sure...but the only posistion I was awarded at that wedding was one of PAYING for my share of junk and a wedding gift!  It may have been better to NOT have been invited since I was really made to feel like I did not belong there.  I had zero part in decorating, all her family, no part in having more than a few token relatives there, all guests were on her side except a few, no part in reception, didn't even get to host rehearsal dinner because I wasn't asked to attend that either!  Her family did all that too.  I got zero photos either, nada, none, zip.  Things were about the same when first grandaughter arrived, just change the situation is all...but my gifts and money were sure expected!  I guess what I am trying to say is this...if your son and future daughter in law as well as her relatives are pulling this nasty junk NOW, my guess is you will live the same reality as long as they are involved, and it will probably get worse if grandchildren arrive.  It boggles the mind that people can be this way huh?  I'm so sorry you are experiencing this.  I agree with the wise other posters here.  I definitely would let them both know immediately that I was not a doormat, and they want to play yes you are invited, no you are not invited...I would have PREVIOUS plans and would NOT be attending, so sorry!!!  I would not cough up a single penny either. I agree her family owes you an apology, bet you never get it though.  Glad you are here for some support and understanding.  It's a tough circumstance, but my boss says "we teach people how to treat us".  Wise man...time to teach the dogs new tricks I say!  Blessings to you.
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: lancaster lady on February 11, 2012, 06:44:47 AM
That sort of.happened to me Jane , however they realised they needed me more than they ever realised othetwise I would be in your situation now . 
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: JaneF on February 12, 2012, 02:58:44 AM
Lancaster lady...funny though they treated me that way for years, but my son who I had not seen or spoken to for a year and a half called me last week and sincerely apologised...guess perhaps he either got his conscience back or sees that I am not so bad after all!  He admitted it was him that was wrong, wow.  As far as DIL though, I expect no change from her so I will not be disappointed!  lol
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: artlady on February 12, 2012, 07:03:12 AM
Deb ,
so sorry you are going through this prior to the wedding . We had to deal with SIL dad and stepmom who gave us trouble the whole time , made the SIL/DD think they would pay for their part (rehearsal, reception and groom's part of others things) Wrong we had to take it ALL out of savings to pay for it all with no help from them and that was a big hit for us. DD is my only child DH has 2 DS , so we wanted it to be a special day for DD and SIL . What I'm saying is if they are treating you this way I do hope you are not helping $$$$$ with this wedding. I didn't have the same of being uninvited etc but the in laws and sil ( who changed like a chameleon on the wedding day) are very similar. I'm new to this site and so far I feel so much better as I don't feel so alone by posting and reading here . Take care of your self . prayers to you
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: Beth 2011 on February 12, 2012, 01:39:38 PM
Hi Deb,

Welcome to my world because this all sounds all to familiar to me.  It sounds to me like she is using GF on FB as an excuse for you not to attend the wedding....see I know because my DIL cancelled the rehearsal dinner for their wedding and told by email, she hoped I could get my deposit back because they she and DS had decided that it was too much trouble to get everyone to come to the location that she picked out and told me about.....  But we still went to the wedding.  We did not contribute financially and I didn't feel bad at all because of our treatment and also because it was DS's 2nd marriage and we gave generously to that and he is over 30 and makes great money and so does she.  I would try to talk with her parents but be prepared to get stonewalled. 
When I talked to my DS's FMIL for the 1st time, it was like she was unsure of what she was saying.....she was very guarded.  I wish you the best in being strong for yourself and your FOO.  Hopefully you will make a breakthrough before this all goes to far.
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: foofoo on February 13, 2012, 12:29:47 PM
I'm glad you at least know why now.  At least this way, you have a starting point and even if your son does have a revisionist memory, at least you can sort of anticipate what is coming next.  Good luck to you.
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: Nana on February 19, 2012, 04:12:42 AM
Hi Deb

I am thinking about many things here.  When I was having difficult times with dil....I also took all (disrespect, rolling eyes, ignoring me, you name it).  I tried to buy her love or acceptance being nice, buying gifts, treating dil as a princess---nothing worked.  It only left me a sense of worthlessness and feeling I have lost my dignity.   I fell into a severe depression and stepped back completely....I was the one who said ënoügh...no more. I did tell my son I loved him and grandson and always would.....but that having a relationship with them was making me sick...and that I didnt even recognize myself...I wanted my old "me".  Okey...Deb....all this to tell you that this was the turning point for our relationship.  Its been 3 or 4 years since then....and we all get along real good....now I have two other grandchildren and are very close. 

Please do not beg.... let them solve their issues....You still have some few months for the wedding.  Step back....and only God knows what will happen.  The disrespect from dil's foo is unbelievable.  Dont go back to them....you are not their punching bag.  You are worth a lot more. 

Good luck
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: Karina53 on February 20, 2012, 06:26:03 PM
Hi Deb, what an amazing story! If your DS marries this woman, I'm betting he won't be very happy. She sounds quite controlling. And so does her FOO. I find it odd that they never knew about your DS and their DD living together. I'm guessing that she thinks you might spill the beans to her family. The whole thing sounds like one big mess. This does not sound like a very healthy relationship, and if their relationship is that tenuous now, they will have more issues as the wedding date nears. Take good care of yourself, let your son know that you love him, and really fill your life up with interesting people and situations. It sounds like the only thing you can do. And another thing--never say anything negative about his fiancee to him. I guess what I'm suggesting here is a friendly but detached interest in her.
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: Pooh on February 21, 2012, 06:58:07 AM
There's my Nana!
Title: Re: In dire need of some advise
Post by: Nana on February 22, 2012, 03:00:23 AM
Still here my dearest Pooh

Hugs