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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: lancaster lady on May 29, 2011, 01:33:56 AM

Title: Is it Me ?
Post by: lancaster lady on May 29, 2011, 01:33:56 AM
Isn't it strange how little things can keep returning to our minds to annoy us ?

Attended a family BBQ yesterday , my birthday , hosted by my nephew and his wife .
It was a great event , lots of family and familiar faces , sunny but windy , however a super occasion .
My DS , f/DIL , and GD were also there .The fact that we have decided to sell the business , house etc
came up with my Ds . I mentioned that we had a few DIY painting jobs to do before showing the house .
Which to my surprise he offered to do together with f/DIL .He said the sooner the better , re selling up !
I thought Money ??   hmmm!

Then I said that I could take my GD out for walks while the job was being done , to which my f/DIL
said ...'' Oh yes, she'll go with anyone now ''.......!!

Now is this me being touchy , or was this a definite dig !
I'm not just anyone !!

So mulling all this over , as you do , I am now ready to take this head on .If this saga flares
it's ugly head once again , which I hope it won't , I shall be ready .
No more tears and feeling sorry for myself , this is one changed lady !

Why should a careless remark spoil my whole day ?
I'm letting it go , obviously , but am wary of any consequent remarks should they occur .
Thankyou ladies for your attention , and as always your wise input .
I should be lost without you ..... :)
Title: Re: Is it Me ?
Post by: forever spring on May 29, 2011, 02:09:18 AM
Happy Birthday LL.
I also suffer from thoughtless remarks by DIL. I know that if anybody else said them they wouldn't register and if they did, I could just laugh about them.
It seems there is a special kind of dynamics between MIL and DIL which gives weight to all remarks. I also think this works for both sides. I am now very careful to say anything to her - even in jest, afraid it may be misunderstood. Somehow the sense of humour has left the relationship and that's bad.
Why oh why is this relationship so different from all others?
I'm trying to work very hard on not letting thoughtless remarks getting to me, but it' very hard and definitely work in progress.
My hope and wish is that in years to come I'll get together with DIL and we will laugh about the fact that we did make our lives difficult in the past. I'm ready for it now but I know it won't be for a while.
Good luck with your house sale, not easy nowadays!

Keep smiling  :)
Title: Re: Is it Me ?
Post by: luise.volta on May 29, 2011, 07:04:14 AM
I doubt that was a dig. My guess: a brag. Glad you had a great time and good luck with the sale. Sending  love...
Title: Re: Is it Me ?
Post by: holliberri on May 29, 2011, 07:43:58 AM
I think it was a brag. My dd became a people person a few months ago and I was so excited I kept telling people the same thing. I want her to be outgoing, so I was so excited that she was open enough to like spending time with everyone. I think when I have said it, it was more about my dd than the person she was with.
Title: Re: Is it Me ?
Post by: overwhelmed123 on May 29, 2011, 08:05:35 AM
I don't think it was a dig, either.  I would overlook it as you would want DIL to not jump to the wrong conclusion if you said something she took the wrong way.
Title: Re: Is it Me ?
Post by: lancaster lady on May 29, 2011, 08:46:42 AM
Hope so guys ....I suppose with our previous history , just makes me touchy !
At one time no one else was allowed to look after GD , now anyone can ..!

Too true OW , I'm very careful these days .I guess it was an innocent remark .
Title: Re: Is it Me ?
Post by: Keys Girl on May 29, 2011, 02:55:55 PM
LL, doesn't matter if it was a dig, at least you got to spend time with the GC, and if anyone can spend time with the GC, they are probably getting tired of being the only caregivers. 

I would be on my guard too, this type of hostility just doesn't grow wings and fly away in my experience.
Title: Re: Is it Me ?
Post by: Pooh on May 29, 2011, 03:16:52 PM
I don't think it was a dig either.  I think it was just a remark about GD maturing and starting to like people in general. 

Happy of Happiest Birthdays LL!
Title: Re: Is it Me ?
Post by: lancaster lady on May 30, 2011, 12:22:48 AM
Thank you Dear Pooh :

I'm not the kind of person to hold a grudge , but remembering the torture I went through , not
that long ago , kinda leaves a scar , and it's healing, sure , but at the back of my mind I am
still not 100% sure of my f/dil's motives sometimes .
If someone can be so cruel to another person ....does a leopard change it's spots ?
I hope so !
Title: Re: Is it Me ?
Post by: Pooh on May 30, 2011, 08:20:05 AM
I think it is rare that someone's spots change completely, but I do think the spots can get integrated with a few stripes as we grow.  I would like to think my spots have blurred a little with some cute little stripes along the way.
Title: Re: Is it Me ?
Post by: Kennedy on May 30, 2011, 12:15:48 PM
LL, I don't know your history with your DIL. But would it be possible to just ask when you're unsure of what is said, "What do you mean?" Instead of thinking the worst. I do that now instead of guessing what someone meant. I don't say it ugly or hateful. I just simply say, "What do you mean?" period.
Title: Re: Is it Me ?
Post by: Kennedy on May 30, 2011, 12:16:45 PM
OOOPPSSSS, Sorry, Happy birthday tooo. Hope it was a great one with many to follow.
Title: Re: Is it Me ?
Post by: lancaster lady on May 30, 2011, 12:57:38 PM
Hi Kennedy ...
as we were in company and at a family bbq , everyone there knows our history , so
I think those words would have met a stony silence .
what I would have said was ''I'm not just anybody ''
however I chose to smile and say that's good .
I never will know if she is being sincere when she's extra nice to me , it's just that feeling I get of doubt .
Thankx for the B'day wishes .....
Donna ;
The whole purpose of me befriending my f/dil is because of my GD .
As long as I see her on a regular basis ,I am fine .
She made it quite plain I will never have a mother/daughter relationship with her .
I would be ashamed if my own DD acted the way she did towards me .

Anyway water under the bridge etc .....My GD loves me and that's all that matters ... :)
Title: Re: Is it Me ?
Post by: holliberri on May 30, 2011, 01:17:26 PM
LL,

I agree with Kennedy. "What do you mean?" addresses inconsiderate behavior as well as passive aggression. It means you are confused by what she meant and it requires explanation. Particularly because there is no way of knowing for sure what she meant unless you ask. I have done this with my MIL. She always says, "Oh, you wish you weren't leaving so soon; you don't want to go home, you want to stay here forever and ever..." to my DD. I finally asked her what she meant, and she said, "I  mean I don't want her to leave so soon." Okay, THAT I can handle. I didn't have to wonder about what she meant (why wouldn't my baby ever want to go home to her own house with her parents?) because I asked and she explained. Since then, my MIL has begun to say "I wish you weren't leaving" instead of projecting her feelings onto DD...who was only 5 months old at the time this happened.

My FIL asked me "What do you mean?" when I said I wouldn't want to marry a baseball player because they'd be off in Florida for spring training for three months and then traveling. He thought I meant I hate Florida. I don't. I just meant that a baseball playing husband would be away for a long time for spring training and then gone for a good chunk of the year traveling here and there. That has to be hard on a marriage. He interpreted my first statement to mean I was against Florida for some reason (which is the state where he and MIL live). Since he questioned me, I could clarify what I meant and we could move on. If he chooses to not believe me and considers that I still have some complaint about Florida itself, that's his problem...but I was given the chance to explain. I wouldn't have thought anything of my original statement had he not asked. Had he not asked, he would still be bothered by it.

Fun times having to watch what we say, huh?
Title: Re: Is it Me ?
Post by: holliberri on May 30, 2011, 01:32:59 PM
..and I say that because I am sure that it won't be the only time she says something that could imply an insult. You have communicated well with her before, and have been successful. I think this is along those lines. You don't want to keep a lid on hurt feelings. People that are in fact passive aggressive often don't realize what they're doing is hurtful...they aren't managing their frustration well, so it comes out in other ways like backhanded compliments. Addressing it when it happens with them allows them to modify their behavior. I think that if you address it right away, she will modify her behavior naturally over time. Sometimes, we just don't realize the things we say can be hurtful.

My boss just did the same thing to me. He asked me how I liked my job, and I said "Good....I guess." He said, "What do you mean?" I said, "Oh, I like the job, I enjoy it, I think I am ready for some new challenges, I also was curious about what you thought about my performance." He corrected my poor communication skills for me..and hopefully I gave him a much better answer than, "Good, I guess..." LOL.
Title: Re: Is it Me ?
Post by: lancaster lady on May 30, 2011, 01:52:20 PM
thanks Holly :

I guess this statement translates totally different in this country .
I would take it as being aggressive , and I really don't want to go down that path
again .
Another instance of why would you do that ......
I bought a beautiful dress for my GD as agreed and 'passed ' by my f/dil for the forthcoming wedding .
It was agreed that I could buy all of my GD's outfit as a contribution towards cost .
My f/dil saw the dress before I bought it and thought it was wonderful , so I purchased it .
Two weeks later, she went out and bought another dress for my GD for the wedding ???
Her explanation was , I haven't decided which one she'll wear ....!

Now how does this translate , for a couple who are struggling to pay bills ?
To say I was lost for words ( my original post title ) was an understatement .
Rather than start a 'discussion ' , I said ''It's your wedding , whatever you decide '' !

So these little episodes are going over my head , but perhaps remaining in my heart .
No big deal I know , but niggling away just the same .
Title: Re: Is it Me ?
Post by: luise.volta on May 30, 2011, 01:58:36 PM
Thoughtlessness comes in all shapes and sizes...sending love...
Title: Re: Is it Me ?
Post by: Pooh on May 30, 2011, 02:56:04 PM
Ok, to me that one is different.  If she agreed you could purchase the dress and approved it ahead of time. that was just plain rude and selfish.  She could have asked you to wait until she decided or at least had the courtesy to ask before she bought the other one if the one you bought was returnable and would you be upset that she found a different one.  I would be willing to bet, just what I know of you on here, that you would have been happy to return the first one and get the other one had you been asked and wouldn't have thought twice about it.

What's wrong with people......
Title: Re: Is it Me ?
Post by: pam1 on May 30, 2011, 05:13:19 PM
Oh now that would be different in my eyes too, LL.  I would think you would absolutely have the right to bring up the dress b/c FDIL agreed to it.  IMO, that was really, really rude and inconsiderate.

How old is she? 

I don't think it has to be a huge discussion but stating that something hurt your feelings and moving on does do some good at times.  It puts other people on notice that you are not a doormat.
Title: Re: Is it Me ?
Post by: holliberri on May 30, 2011, 06:22:23 PM
LL,

I think the dress needs addressing (lol, that sounds weird). It is your money...and dresses aren't always returnable. Could you nicely ask her what she planned on doing with the dress she didn't want to use?

Coupled with that, I can see why her earlier comment would get you feeling upset. I think it will only build from there, which is why some of this stuff should be addressed. Perhaps, if the dress were talked about, you could have nicely made a joke of the earlier comment, "Like, oh, well, GD and I will have a great time. I'm twice the fun of anybody b/c I'm G-ma!"

Not everything should have a lid kept on it. I don't think issues with money should ever be suppressed either. It can create resentment as well as the expectation that you're there to shell out money on a moment's notice. I'm sorry, LL. I hope things get better once this big wedding is over and done with.
Title: Re: Is it Me ?
Post by: Pen on May 30, 2011, 06:33:59 PM
Nothing like a wedding to amplify whatever is going on to a higher degree! LL, know that we're with you all the way. Don't forget to take care of yourself during this time...let the little things go, do special things for yourself that feel special, enjoy the party (but don't get sloppy drunk.)
Title: Re: Is it Me ?
Post by: lancaster lady on May 31, 2011, 12:49:39 AM
Thank you ladies !

My take on everything is that my f/dil still wants to stamp her authority on my GD.
As you know I wasn't allowed to interact for the first year with my GD .
Now that I'm 'allowed' , everything has changed , as my GD loves me to bits !
Her face lights up when she sees me , and she runs to me laughing to be scooped up and hugged .
We sing , tell stories , and giggle , what fun we have .
Looking at us together I think she resents this , and still has to have that last say , hold , on every situation .
Also the fact that my DS has asked me for money makes them beholding to me , which I'm sure she resents .

I have never brought up our previous drama , or the fact that they are having financial trouble .
I never probe or ask about the wedding , just what I am told , as initially I wasn't involved at all .

Now I could really take everything to task and kick off and moan about things , but for me
that would give her fuel for the fire that might be smouldering .
Pooh :
You are correct in thinking that I would have exchanged the dress . That's why I got her approval
before the purchase , to make sure it was the RIGHT one .
We have still to buy shoes and accessories for the little one , I will just pay for whatever
her Mom chooses .

Not saying I am going back to walking on eggshells , but just aware of each little transaction .
For instance yesterday she sent me a video by email of my GD dancing to pop music !
How sweet was that , so mixed messages being received from every angle .

She is young and preparing for a wedding , so in a turmoil , I know .
So these lips are sealed , and the wheels on the bus go round and round , all day long ,
as me and my GD sing together !
Title: Re: Is it Me ?
Post by: lancaster lady on May 31, 2011, 01:27:25 AM
Donna :

Just a quick note for you .
I wasn't always strong .When I found this forum , I was a quivering mess , weak and in a turmoil .
Week by week with the help of my friends on this site , I became stronger .
It helps to know that you are not alone in your family traumas . When it is a family row , the ones
you would normally turn to are sometimes involved .
It was wonderful to find my cyber family here with these wonderful ladies .
I hope it will always be here for a shoulder to cry on , or somewhere to vent .

I will always be grateful to Luise for her time , consideration and effort , for her selfless act
of forming this forum which was an oasis in a desert for me .

Title: Re: Is it Me ?
Post by: SassyDI on May 31, 2011, 04:43:05 AM
Quote from: lancaster lady on May 31, 2011, 12:49:39 AM
Thank you ladies !

My take on everything is that my f/dil still wants to stamp her authority on my GD.
As you know I wasn't allowed to interact for the first year with my GD .
Now that I'm 'allowed' , everything has changed , as my GD loves me to bits !
Her face lights up when she sees me , and she runs to me laughing to be scooped up and hugged .
We sing , tell stories , and giggle , what fun we have .
Looking at us together I think she resents this , and still has to have that last say , hold , on every situation .
Also the fact that my DS has asked me for money makes them beholding to me , which I'm sure she resents .

I have never brought up our previous drama , or the fact that they are having financial trouble .
I never probe or ask about the wedding , just what I am told , as initially I wasn't involved at all .

Now I could really take everything to task and kick off and moan about things , but for me
that would give her fuel for the fire that might be smouldering .
Pooh :
You are correct in thinking that I would have exchanged the dress . That's why I got her approval
before the purchase , to make sure it was the RIGHT one .
We have still to buy shoes and accessories for the little one , I will just pay for whatever
her Mom chooses .

Not saying I am going back to walking on eggshells , but just aware of each little transaction .
For instance yesterday she sent me a video by email of my GD dancing to pop music !
How sweet was that , so mixed messages being received from every angle .

She is young and preparing for a wedding , so in a turmoil , I know .
So these lips are sealed , and the wheels on the bus go round and round , all day long ,
as me and my GD sing together !

May I ask why DS asking for money makes them Beholding to you.  And did FDIL want DS to ask you for money.  I know DH has taken money and a new window from FIL and it didn't make me happy at all.
Title: Re: Is it Me ?
Post by: Pooh on May 31, 2011, 06:19:28 AM


May I ask why DS asking for money makes them Beholding to you.  And did FDIL want DS to ask you for money.  I know DH has taken money and a new window from FIL and it didn't make me happy at all.
[/quote]

SassyDI, from her previous history with them, I think she meant beholding as in she wasn't getting to see GD for a long time and she thinks the money now has made them try to have more contact with her again on a regular basis? 
Title: Re: Is it Me ?
Post by: lancaster lady on May 31, 2011, 07:55:06 AM
thanks Pooh :

That is perhaps partly true .
The money is for their wedding SassyDI , when I offerd previously it was declined .
now money is in short supply , and they approached me together .
I just feel that she feels perhaps she has to make more of an effort re GD's visits
also to include me more in the plans for the wedding .
I may be completely wrong , and she loves me really .....lol
Title: Re: Is it Me ?
Post by: Pen on May 31, 2011, 08:10:22 AM
LL, if I'm reading this correctly, you aren't expecting anything in return for your financial help but your FDIL/DS are being more inclusive because of it. Perhaps this is good practice for FDIL and she eventually will appreciate you for you and not for your money.

I think you and I are in similar binds, in that our FDIL/DILs decided beforehand that we were not to be involved in any way in their lives. It's a form of predjudice against us as MILs/FMILs rather than based on anything concrete. It's a difficult position to be in since we don't know when we'll be shunned again. We want to go along with everything and do all they ask to avoid being cut off. Either we'll get sick of the emotional roller coaster or we'll find our peace with it for the sake of our DSs/GC.
Title: Re: Is it Me ?
Post by: lancaster lady on May 31, 2011, 08:39:17 AM
who knows Pen:
She blows hot and cold , I never really know where I am .
The money is a gift and was always intended for them , but initially refused .
One minute I'm getting visits aplenty , the next none .
I am not expecting anything by way of a reward for this money , I just feel
perhaps it makes her feel like she has to be more friendly b/c of it . I really don't want
a forced relationship with my f/dil , but I do want a genuine one with my GD.
I feel it's better to wait for an invite or for them to want to visit , on the whole
things are going well between us . Just that now and again I pick up on a remark
or things like the dress .
I suppose the real test of our relationship will come after the wedding .
Title: Re: Is it Me ?
Post by: Kennedy on May 31, 2011, 09:04:18 AM
Good Morning One and All,
LL, the statement in your last reply about your FDIL blowing hot and cold.. well I can really understand that. One of our DIL's is like that. One week she is our best friend and talks to us and includes us in everything.. Then the next week she just may not answer one phone call our talk to us at all. She will tell us all kinds of things about her family ect. Then we see her family NOT doing all she claimed. Like them not being nice to her ect. So we know we can't believe her stories. We just listen. It is confusing!! And we feel like we never know what to expect with her. Kinda like the feeling of being on a roller coaster. LOL
Title: Re: Is it Me ?
Post by: lcollins on June 15, 2011, 09:01:29 AM
i dont think it was a dig, but we never really know what our dil's are really meaning. its sounds harmless. for now id let that one go, but its good that you are aware and will be able to recognize negativity if or when it does come from dil.