Hi, I'm new and have been searching the web for answers. I think I found the place where I can make some sense on what is happening. I'll try to give a quick run down of my history.
Married at 23 to a man who 7 years later was diagnosed as a Bipolar and spent the rest of his life in a mental institution. In that time, we had two kids, a boy and girl. Everyone knows all the struggles as a single Mom and I finally meet a nice man and remarried. He always was good with the kids and gave them stability. When the ex-husband was released on day furlows, he started stalking past the house, I was advised from the Doctors to move. We all moved 1000 miles away to start a new life. We had a normal family, going on vacations, Christmas, etc. When I sold the house up north, I had half the money in the bank and made sure the kids had cars, clothes. My son was a typical teenager and pushed me always to the limit. I felt I did a good job teaching him to be an up standing citzen. He now has a good job and was transferred out of state. My daughter did well in school, and when she wanted to get married, my husband and I had no problem giving her a wonderful wedding. That's when it all changed. My daughter moved away to continue her education and each new visit was becoming stranger each time.
It's now 10 years later and for the life of me I can't figure out why the both of them do not want to be a family. My son will not return any calls,. My daughter will call and if I just mention that we went on a hike, etc. she will burst out that is it always about you. She now has a baby and I am not looking forward to visiting. I thought having a baby would mellow her out but I don't see this happening. Over the years, our conversations how become less and less like friends that I thought we were. If she was not related, I doubt I would continue taking the out bursts she pulls on every conversation. There has to be a way to handle my broken heart. I want to be able to not let this eat me up alive, but it is.
I hope this short essay of my problem covers it enough that someone can guide me in this ongoing dilemma. As time goes on, I'm sure I can shed more light on why two kids who are loved more than anything can be so cruel and cold to their mother.. My husband is as confused as I am. We have been married 23 years and the kids are 33 and 30 so he has a long history with these kids.
Did it ever cross your mind that they may have bipolar issues like their father?
My DS's father was a pathalogical liar, freaked out and pulled his hair when he was angry...everything was a lie and he abandoned us as a family when my DS was a baby. We grew to be friends after 6 years, us both remarrying and me having the willingness to get him back involved in my DS's life.
I didn't realize that his traits were hereditary until he did what he did a few months back when my problems started. He pulled his hair out of anger, he freaked out for nothing and told lie after lie and then abandoned our family. All in one day...I realized that my DS was his father and these traits are hereditary. I thought my ex was like that when he was younger and changed (but I hadn't lived with him for 20 years...so I didn't realize he is still the same) Until I ran into him in a parking lot and he ran and hid from me. It all became totally clear.
So...Maybe your kids have Bipolar!
I'll be praying for you and your situation. Bipolar disorder can only get under control when the person who has it recognizes it and gets help. Nobody can change that but themselves. ((((hugs))))
Thank you so much for your insight. Yes, I have thought of the kids having bipolar. I thought most of the teenage problems were normal, but now I can not face it. I have gone to a PhD for counselling and she brought this up as well. Now what do I do? Do I tell them? When I am in their company, which is very rare, I step back and watch the split-personality that I remember when I was married to their father. I keep repeating to myself and my husband keeps reminding me that they are both 1/2 of me. I want the good to come out, but why are they turning on the one person who loves them and always forgives them, no matter what. I know I can not change DNA. I guess what I am hoping is that this support system I am joining will get me through this heartship. We live in a city where the neighbors don't know anyone and really do not have any long term friends. Thanks for the hug too, it made my day :>)
Quote from: dablacks on October 29, 2010, 07:29:57 AM
I want the good to come out, but why are they turning on the one person who loves them and always forgives them, no matter what.
Could it be in part because you are as you put it
who always forgives them, no matter what? While raising our kids we give them boundaries and we even set numerous boundaries between ourselves and our children. There are certain behaviors that are simply unacceptable such as unqualified emotional outburst. For your own wellbeing I would reestablish your own personal boundaries.
Laurie, I have tried taking a stand and saying to each of them. "Is this necessary, to speak to me this way" I can give dozens of examples of me trying to get them to speak to me respectful. I always speak directly and softly. I think I have already established with them that they can behave this way and I will "always" be there. It's my mistake, I keep hoping it will change.
I really am a very confident person at work, in business. I handle huge accounting problems, yet when it comes to these kids I am a failure. My son placed a block on his phone and all I did was wish him a Merry Christmas. I mentioned to my daughter that her stepfather and I felt very unwelcomed when we visited last time. She said, "maybe you need not to come anymore". I said, Oh, honey, you can't mean that. I haven't seen her in over a year, the baby came a month ago and she pretty much sent emails asking us to come. No sooner we booked the plane tickets & hotel(nonrefundable) and I get a call yesterday at work. I whisper when I have a personal call, and she twisted the whole conversation around when I said I was surprised when she told me that her in-laws were flying in today and never mentioned it on FB. She accused me of raising my voice, which I reminded her that is impossible, as I know I whisper. To say the least, it is just another opportunity of hers to abuse me. My husband has kept neutral because he said at least he can keep some lines open, but now he is talking about stepping in when we visit next week. I am afraid that it will all blow up now with the baby, it will be a pawn like I read about other people where they can not see their grandkids. I have to not take it to heart but it's impossible not too.
"Is this necessary, to speak to me this way"
In their mind, yes it is. Don't do the wounded response .....tell them..."YOU don't talk to me that way!". You need to stand up strong for yourself. Sometimes the soft and direct approach isn't the best way to go. Have you EVER gotten mad at your kids? I mean mad to the point of righteous anger, with the follow up punishment of "you earned it, you got it" response? Your kids have crossed your limits and you need to let them know without a doubt they have and it isn't acceptable. Give them that something they would never expect from their mother...it may realign their vision of you, allowing things to change.
Loving them doesn't mean you HAVE to love their behaviors....or even put up with those.
What c0uld you do today or plan for tomorrow that would be only for you that would make your heart sing? Can you back off from the untenable and the unexplainable and focus on healing and wholeness, momentarily? Can your life again be about you and not about what you expected from others? These are some of the questions we ask ourselves here. Sending love...
I hear you, and when I went to counselling, the Doctor reinforced all these points. Back off, let them come to you, etc. It works for a week with my daughter, then it's back to the same old story. My son would not even look at me at my father's funeral 3 years ago.
Let me go back a little. As a parent, I was fair but stern. I did say NO and stuck to my guns when I did. My husband and I agreed that it was best if I was the main person to discipline them. We heard too many horror stories of stepfathers being the heavy and it doesn't work. It has gotten worse each year because it happened so slowly. After she was married it was like night and day. First the smart remarks, then she didn't want to do Christmas, yet bought for others. Little by little the pattern was set and the hurts build up. I have answered her back just yesterday when I was trying to chat about babies and mentioned some little trick I thought would be useful and she went into a rage. " WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, 16". I said No, of course not. I am just chatting like I do the young mothers at work who do not take offense.
Horrible day yesterday, knowing now that I have to fly in there for a week and like in the past she and her silent husband will just scare at us most of the time. When I have no reaction to it, she will start a fight about how heavy I walk, or that the dishcloth doesn't go there, etc.
My husband is great, he said, we will go next week, and just stay focused on the baby, go for walks and at least we can go back to the hotel. By the way, she asked that we stay in a hotel, small apartment. and we said no problem.
Yeah, I know that one about putting the dishcloth in the wrong place. Sheesh!!! Hang in...we're here! Sending love..
Quote from: dablacks on October 29, 2010, 10:42:38 AM
I hear you, and when I went to counselling, the Doctor reinforced all these points. Back off, let them come to you, etc. It works for a week with my daughter, then it's back to the same old story. My son would not even look at me at my father's funeral 3 years ago.
Let me go back a little. As a parent, I was fair but stern. I did say NO and stuck to my guns when I did. My husband and I agreed that it was best if I was the main person to discipline them. We heard too many horror stories of stepfathers being the heavy and it doesn't work. It has gotten worse each year because it happened so slowly. After she was married it was like night and day. First the smart remarks, then she didn't want to do Christmas, yet bought for others. Little by little the pattern was set and the hurts build up. I have answered her back just yesterday when I was trying to chat about babies and mentioned some little trick I thought would be useful and she went into a rage. " WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, 16". I said No, of course not. I am just chatting like I do the young mothers at work who do not take offense.
Horrible day yesterday, knowing now that I have to fly in there for a week and like in the past she and her silent husband will just scare at us most of the time. When I have no reaction to it, she will start a fight about how heavy I walk, or that the dishcloth doesn't go there, etc.
My husband is great, he said, we will go next week, and just stay focused on the baby, go for walks and at least we can go back to the hotel. By the way, she asked that we stay in a hotel, small apartment. and we said no problem.
Dear Dablacks,
I'm a MIL so please don't take this as an offense but when I was reading this post I noticed where you said, "when I was trying to chat about babies and mentioned some little trick I thought would be useful and she went into a rage. " WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, 16". I said No, of course not. I am just chatting like I do the young mothers at work who do not take offense. "
Right there, I'm wondering if she thinks you're being passive aggressive trying to make her think you can talk to all the young women where you work and not to her (which is all true) and maybe they gave you hints of things to do with babies. Wonder if she is feeling criticized?
Just shooting in the dark so please don't take offense...I am a journeyman too.
No offense taken, I am cherishing each and every one of the replies today. I took a walk after lunch and I felt like I was flying, I felt so light and happy.
I'm not sure what passive aggressive is exactly so I might be guilty. I was explaining to her that when I chat with the young girls at work, I am the same person I am with her. I see them everyday and have great relationships. They ask my advice and I respect them. I always have told my daughter I was proud of her education and the accomplishments she has made. I feel that I should have done something years ago, but like I said it started so slightly and has built up to this uncaring situation. She lives far away and we talk maybe 5 minutes every few weeks with very uncomfortable feelings. I just don't know what to talk about, She stays silent and answers with one word. "How are ya feeling today" "Fine" " Does the baby kick a lot at night" "No". Oh well honey, I'm going to have to let you go. THEN AGAIN, a few times I have confronted her and she goes into a verbal rage. I have told her she was mean-spirted and that I have never spoken to my Mother this way. I talk to strangers nicer. I know now as I type that I try to avoid this at all costs and stay as passive as possible. I am trying to save myself from a total heart break and that is what I want to learn, how to cope without it tearing me apart.
Quote from: dablacks on October 29, 2010, 12:05:21 PM
No offense taken, I am cherishing each and every one of the replies today. I took a walk after lunch and I felt like I was flying, I felt so light and happy.
I'm not sure what passive aggressive is exactly so I might be guilty. I was explaining to her that when I chat with the young girls at work, I am the same person I am with her. I see them everyday and have great relationships. They ask my advice and I respect them. I always have told my daughter I was proud of her education and the accomplishments she has made. I feel that I should have done something years ago, but like I said it started so slightly and has built up to this uncaring situation. She lives far away and we talk maybe 5 minutes every few weeks with very uncomfortable feelings. I just don't know what to talk about, She stays silent and answers with one word. "How are ya feeling today" "Fine" " Does the baby kick a lot at night" "No". Oh well honey, I'm going to have to let you go. THEN AGAIN, a few times I have confronted her and she goes into a verbal rage. I have told her she was mean-spirted and that I have never spoken to my Mother this way. I talk to strangers nicer. I know now as I type that I try to avoid this at all costs and stay as passive as possible. I am trying to save myself from a total heart break and that is what I want to learn, how to cope without it tearing me apart.
I know how hard this is, Dablacks. I do. I am so sorry too, she is missing out on a great Mom but she is very angry and you never know what that is really about. Anger at herself most likely. You seem to be the only person who will take it. :'(
Hi Dablacks,
I know exactly how you feel, I have the same problem with my ODD. When we talked on the phone she was always screaming at me, and afterwards I would be in tears. Now she doesn't want me in her life. I miss her and my GD but I don't miss all the fighting. I am praying for you.
Quote from: dablacks on October 29, 2010, 09:39:14 AM
I have tried taking a stand and saying to each of them. "Is this necessary, to speak to me this way" I can give dozens of examples of me trying to get them to speak to me respectful. I always speak directly and softly. I think I have already established with them that they can behave this way and I will "always" be there. It's my mistake, I keep hoping it will change.[/size]
They hear something totally different than what you are saying. I didn't realize this till recently. My parents (the backstabbers) told me that my DS said he wanted to talk to me but only if me and oldest DD would stop yelling or being crazy. Of course, I don't really believe what my parents say because they lie if it is convenient for them...but besides the point here. I did not yell, ever....raise my voice, ever...was definately not the crazy one and did nothing but apologize and ask if we can talk, in a calm, sincere and loving tone. If my DS thinks that is crazy and yelling, he is the delusional one....I know for a fact my DD didn't yell at him either. He just hears that. WHY? Who knows. So...maybe it's not what you do...it doesn't make a difference how you say it or what you say to them. They will twist whatever it is into what ever it is they claim it is.
You can not tell your children that they are bipolar...they have to figure it out themselves. And even if they do figure it out...most likley, they will blame it on you...because that is what they do. You need to believe in you.
Luise...GD that is visiting is in bed...had wonderful time tonight carving pumpkins and dancing. 2 full days no tears! I am not the victim anymore. I realized that regardless...How I love my DS has nothing to do with anything. I am going to love him always and it is not a reflection on me for his choices. I am focusing on other things. I have accepted that things will never be the same...part of me is so afraid for them to come back in my life because I have finally started to feel some peace. I am so afraid if they do that I will fall in love with the GD that will be used as a pawn when it is convenient for them...I don't want that. So...quiet is my refuge right now.
Fear of "what ifs" can take a lot of energy. When you can, MU, (Moo?) live in the now. That's where peace lies. :)
Quote from: dablacks on October 29, 2010, 05:01:02 AM
Hi, I'm new and have been searching the web for answers. I think I found the place where I can make some sense on what is happening. I'll try to give a quick run down of my history.
Married at 23 to a man who 7 years later was diagnosed as a Bipolar and spent the rest of his life in a mental institution. In that time, we had two kids, a boy and girl. Everyone knows all the struggles as a single Mom and I finally meet a nice man and remarried. He always was good with the kids and gave them stability. When the ex-husband was released on day furlows, he started stalking past the house, I was advised from the Doctors to move. We all moved 1000 miles away to start a new life. We had a normal family, going on vacations, Christmas, etc. When I sold the house up north, I had half the money in the bank and made sure the kids had cars, clothes. My son was a typical teenager and pushed me always to the limit. I felt I did a good job teaching him to be an up standing citzen. He now has a good job and was transferred out of state. My daughter did well in school, and when she wanted to get married, my husband and I had no problem giving her a wonderful wedding. That's when it all changed. My daughter moved away to continue her education and each new visit was becoming stranger each time.
It's now 10 years later and for the life of me I can't figure out why the both of them do not want to be a family. My son will not return any calls,. My daughter will call and if I just mention that we went on a hike, etc. she will burst out that is it always about you. She now has a baby and I am not looking forward to visiting. I thought having a baby would mellow her out but I don't see this happening. Over the years, our conversations how become less and less like friends that I thought we were. If she was not related, I doubt I would continue taking the out bursts she pulls on every conversation. There has to be a way to handle my broken heart. I want to be able to not let this eat me up alive, but it is.
I hope this short essay of my problem covers it enough that someone can guide me in this ongoing dilemma. As time goes on, I'm sure I can shed more light on why two kids who are loved more than anything can be so cruel and cold to their mother.. My husband is as confused as I am. We have been married 23 years and the kids are 33 and 30 so he has a long history with these kids.
dablacks,
I think you would be wise to listen to your counselor.....by keeping your distance from your dc and allowing them to come to you. I know it's painful to take a step back from your dc, but I don't think you will get the results you so desperately want by initiating contact. The strained five minute phone calls certainly aren't bringing you and your dd closer. By allowing them to come to you - even if it takes years - you can begin to rebuild respect. I know firsthand how difficult it is b/c I am doing the same with my ds/dil. I haven't been a big presence in their lives in the past few years, but for the past few months I've stopped initiating any contact - except for sending them birthday/anniversary cards and birthday gifts. I did send a birthday email to my dil at my ds's text request (which was sent to a large group). It's a slow process and I haven't seen any results yet, but I have confidence that eventually my ds will take note and want me back in his life.......I don't think my dil would care if she ever saw me again. I'm convinced that no matter what I do she will not accept me. My dh and I have been nothing but generous and loving to her, but she still finds fault in whatever she can......by twisting the truth or by demonizing whatever we do. I don't hear it firsthand, but she has treated my dh with distain - which is unbelievable b/c he has been so gracious, considerate, and kind to her from the first time they met and has never stopped. She's made it very clear that she doesn't want us around. I have a gs who is 3 1/2 months old and I only get to see him when there is a large get together. They never stop by our house, invite us over, or ask us to babysit. Since I am not initiating contact, I am not inviting them over here or asking if we can go there. I know it sounds senseless - and I feel like just another relative - not a grandparent. My ds makes me angry - what is he thinking?????? Doesn't he realize that my heart is broken? Doesn't he care? It's like I don't know him any more. I'll continue to be kind and loving to them when we are together for the big family events (showers, weddings, christenings, holidays). I'm just trying to be patient in hopes that they will come around. If not, I will learn to adapt. I'm happy I have two loving daughters and sils to spend some time with.
I wish you peace and contentment.
Hugs, Hope
Quote from: Hope on October 29, 2010, 08:37:51 PM
Quote from: dablacks on October 29, 2010, 05:01:02 AM
Hi, I'm new and have been searching the web for answers. I think I found the place where I can make some sense on what is happening. I'll try to give a quick run down of my history.
Married at 23 to a man who 7 years later was diagnosed as a Bipolar and spent the rest of his life in a mental institution. In that time, we had two kids, a boy and girl. Everyone knows all the struggles as a single Mom and I finally meet a nice man and remarried. He always was good with the kids and gave them stability. When the ex-husband was released on day furlows, he started stalking past the house, I was advised from the Doctors to move. We all moved 1000 miles away to start a new life. We had a normal family, going on vacations, Christmas, etc. When I sold the house up north, I had half the money in the bank and made sure the kids had cars, clothes. My son was a typical teenager and pushed me always to the limit. I felt I did a good job teaching him to be an up standing citzen. He now has a good job and was transferred out of state. My daughter did well in school, and when she wanted to get married, my husband and I had no problem giving her a wonderful wedding. That's when it all changed. My daughter moved away to continue her education and each new visit was becoming stranger each time.
It's now 10 years later and for the life of me I can't figure out why the both of them do not want to be a family. My son will not return any calls,. My daughter will call and if I just mention that we went on a hike, etc. she will burst out that is it always about you. She now has a baby and I am not looking forward to visiting. I thought having a baby would mellow her out but I don't see this happening. Over the years, our conversations how become less and less like friends that I thought we were. If she was not related, I doubt I would continue taking the out bursts she pulls on every conversation. There has to be a way to handle my broken heart. I want to be able to not let this eat me up alive, but it is.
I hope this short essay of my problem covers it enough that someone can guide me in this ongoing dilemma. As time goes on, I'm sure I can shed more light on why two kids who are loved more than anything can be so cruel and cold to their mother.. My husband is as confused as I am. We have been married 23 years and the kids are 33 and 30 so he has a long history with these kids.
dablacks,
I think you would be wise to listen to your counselor.....by keeping your distance from your dc and allowing them to come to you. I know it's painful to take a step back from your dc, but I don't think you will get the results you so desperately want by initiating contact. The strained five minute phone calls certainly aren't bringing you and your dd closer. By allowing them to come to you - even if it takes years - you can begin to rebuild respect. I know firsthand how difficult it is b/c I am doing the same with my ds/dil. I haven't been a big presence in their lives in the past few years, but for the past few months I've stopped initiating any contact - except for sending them birthday/anniversary cards and birthday gifts. I did send a birthday email to my dil at my ds's text request (which was sent to a large group). It's a slow process and I haven't seen any results yet, but I have confidence that eventually my ds will take note and want me back in his life.......I don't think my dil would care if she ever saw me again. I'm convinced that no matter what I do she will not accept me. My dh and I have been nothing but generous and loving to her, but she still finds fault in whatever she can......by twisting the truth or by demonizing whatever we do. I don't hear it firsthand, but she has treated my dh with distain - which is unbelievable b/c he has been so gracious, considerate, and kind to her from the first time they met and has never stopped. She's made it very clear that she doesn't want us around. I have a gs who is 3 1/2 months old and I only get to see him when there is a large get together. They never stop by our house, invite us over, or ask us to babysit. Since I am not initiating contact, I am not inviting them over here or asking if we can go there. I know it sounds senseless - and I feel like just another relative - not a grandparent. My ds makes me angry - what is he thinking?????? Doesn't he realize that my heart is broken? Doesn't he care? It's like I don't know him any more. I'll continue to be kind and loving to them when we are together for the big family events (showers, weddings, christenings, holidays). I'm just trying to be patient in hopes that they will come around. If not, I will learn to adapt. I'm happy I have two loving daughters and sils to spend some time with.
I wish you peace and contentment.
Hugs, Hope
Hope, I just saw that you have daughters!! Good for you...it's small comfort but it's something to think about. I wonder if he's doing to you what I did to my Caregiver? I have no way of knowing but it's becoming so common for the DIL to be this way that it's almost like it's expected and strange when it isn't that way. It sounds like he's got his hands full. They do try to make their wives happy, whatever the cost. Stay strong, he'll be back.
I feel like we are caught between a rock and a hard place,, or excuse the language, but damned if we do and damned if we don't. I like the live in the now. I can't figure out this generation or any of this disrespect etc. I did go through a period in my life when I didn't like my parents. Maybe this is common, not sure. I did get over it. But, I never dreamed what is happening to you , like me, would ever have happened after all we did for our kids. Not sure if it is a different society of what, but whatever it is, gaining knowledge here and working on taking care of our broken hearts here sure helps. Prayers on the way to you. cdb
Thanks for caring, I care so much for people too. I know each and everyone on this post is sincere and have helped me more than I can explain. It's funny how we all want to protect ourselves from this hurt, yet fall right back into the pattern.
An example: My sister visited my daughter while on vacation. My sister and my whole family other than my husband has no idea that my daughter and son have split personalities. They behave like chatting away, life of the party people. Actually, they talk nonstop and if I try to add something I get an undercutting remark like I am a moran, so I just stay out of any rare times they are together, last time was the funeral for my Dad. That was the worse, not one caring remark to me.
So, getting back to my sister, she told me what a great time she had and that my daughter and her went out for the afternoon, had dinner while my son in law watched the baby. That last conversation I mentioned earlier when I was at work, I asked my daughter if she has been out at all since the baby was born. I really did not think about my sisters visit when I asked. I was just wondering if she has walked around a little. My daughter said no, I haven't. Trying to find neutrel chatting, I then did ask if she had seen my sister yet because I knew she was in that state last week, My daughter flat out lied and said, they came over for 20 min., most people do and don't stay longer than that., hint, hint. "What gives with that", why would a grown woman find it necessary to lie about this when it is my sister visiting. Didn't she think my sister and I would talk about her trip.
I'm feeling like I should STOP asking questions even if they seem like just simple chit chat. You see the spiral I'm in, Between a hard place and a rock as they say.
Let me finish my long post by saying that I am taking piano lessons, hiking, bike riding and generally enjoying my life. I really want to handle this as I would with a bad coworker. Just tolerate and don't tip my mitt in front of them. Smile, Smile Smile next week.
Thanks cdb, your comment and everyone has been right on the money, as they say.
Thank you Luise, your comments are uplifting!
dablacks - I'm so glad you found us. There is comfort in knowing you are not alone. Hang in there - hopefully, things will change over time. Just know we are here for you any time you need support.
Barelythere and cdb - your kindness means the world to me. Thanks!
Hugs to all, Hope
Quote from: Hope on October 30, 2010, 06:37:49 AM
dablacks - I'm so glad you found us. There is comfort in knowing you are not alone. Hang in there - hopefully, things will change over time. Just know we are here for you any time you need support.
Barelythere and cdb - your kindness means the world to me. Thanks!
Hugs to all, Hope
Hope, it's easy to be kind to someone so sweet...hang in there, Dablacks, cdb and Hope! :)
Dear dablacks,
You really have had a very tough time, beginning with your Bi-Polar husband, having to begin a new life and now the way your kids are treating you. You said you had a good relationship with your daughter and you have done so much for her and this is how she is treating you. Why now (excuse the statement) keep flooging a dead horse.?? You deserve so much better than this. My daughter and I don't have a very good relationship she is 17 and I am putting it down to her age. If she were to continue to treat me with disrespect into adulthood and relationships etc. I would tell her "you have treated your family like dirt for years, you are an adult now no longer a child and I will not put up with it another minute. I have my own life I plan to enjoy every minute I did the best I could for you. We are here for you if you need us. When you can be pleasant and respect us I will look forward to seeing you.
The point is I have already had enough of her the way she is so no way is this going to continue, she will have to come to us. I have said to her when she seems depressed and unmotivated there is counsellors that she can always see if she needs support.
My son is 20 and is just now being respectful to me. I try to be positive but I have always felt he has an underlying disorder maybe bi-polar or split personality so I am prepared things to turn sour again one day. Anyhow I think it is a good idea to mention to your daughter you are worried she may have bi-polar and tell her she is so dreadful to you and you try your best all the time, I would tell she is nasty to you when you don't deserve it she is are moody, often seem sad etc.. Suggest she see someone as life is to short to be miserable and suffer. If she takes offense to that then you will know you have done all you can to help her.
I have said all of those things to my son and he saw an adolescent counsellor. My son insisted I be there which I was but then i wouldn't go in with him, he needed that time with the counsellor. People would say how lovely and kind he is and yes what 18yr old would want there mum in counselling with them. Anyhow he did take anti-depressant and then told me 12 months later he felt he could go of them. I made sure he saw a Dr before he did we can at least talk about it and I have no trouble asking him how he is feeling.
It is a huge worry when you think your adult children are suffering and I know I blame myself, it must be because great grandfather suicided etc and I run through everything that is my fault. Suggesting a cousellor and my worries is the only thing that has changed me and given me peace. You can't change your daughters reaction but you can feel satisfied you have done all you can to help. It is up to her.
Thank you Julia for all your help. I am not sure I can mention that I feel both my kids are bipolar. I can not bring up their father, years ago it was a touchy subject that they both rejected.
When my kids were 17 and 20 I felt I had more influence because they were still so young and dependent. Those years were hard in a lot of ways. Both kids were smoking pot, I would find it out on the porch, confort them while they laid on the couch, and then would flush it down the toilet. They both knew this was unacceptable to me. I felt this was my responsibility to be their parent. They both had been in trouble getting caught with pot and drinking and I had to bail both out and pay high prices for lawyers. I feel now that they both learned their lesson on DUI.
Now that they are both financially independent, they both now don't need me to fall back on. I am glad that they both do not ask for money, that is a good thing. I have helped them anytime they needed help and never asked to be re-paid.
I know I will always have my good days and bad days. I feel that I over react to other situations because of this heartship. Just the other day, my neighbor, who has always been good about watching the house when we went on vacation, has a dog that barks alot. Most times I close the windows and turn the radio up but that day I called and told them that I count as a person and the dog has got to be placed in the house. Needless to say, it was very uncomfortable for both of us. My busband got defensive that I am over the top and that a dog barking next door is normal, as long as the people are home too. It is causing a lot of stress because I am really not a very happy person feeling so isolated from family. and no friends to really rely on.
You sound sad, it can be a very sad world. Our situations make us sad, people make us sad, but the really big one is family. I never thought my children would make me so sad and depressed. We overreact when things occur that we once didn't worry to much about. I think I would take a cake or flowers out of your garden or something small to your neighbour and explain you aren't sleeping well,very stressed etc and you feel you did overreact. If she is a friend and looks after your house etc. she will be kind and hopefully keep the dodg inside or compromise.
I must have misunderstood your post, I thought!! you asked advise as to if you should speak to your daughter about having bi-polar. Sorry, I feel I overstepped your post.
You have had a tough time with your children but sound as though you handled it kindly. ie' smoking pot.
You do count as a person, sometimes we don't feel like we do though, good luck
Hi Julia,
You did not overstep when advising me to speak to the kids about bipolar. My Doctor said that I should as well, but only in person. I just can not bring myself to say to them, guess what, you could have the gene that your father had. I think they both have a milder case because they are both working, living in a normal society and blending. Their father was committed at 33 years old. He could not work, washed his hands all day, physically violent, it was a nightmare, Thank God I was young, strong and kept my wits about me to protect the kids.
Neither one wants to rekindle any memory of those days. My son remembers the most and my daughter said once that she has very little memory of when she was little, I bring up the fun stuff, mostly after I remarried because it was fun to relax and enjoy being a whole family.
I regret overreacting with the neighbor as soon as I opened my mouth. She was defensive and I tried to calm the situation down by mentioning we were friends. Your suggestion of bringing over a little Sunday treat or flowers is loving and I will do this later. I would not have thought of this and I thank you from my heart for your reply.
Welcome dablacks, loving your posts, hating your situation.
I have learned one thing, people (including our children) find it easier to blame the people that love them for all their problems instead of facing their problems. It's easier because they know that no matter how they treat us, we will love them.
So yes, I will always love my DS.....I'm just loving him from afar right now! Take a step back and focus on your piano. You are worth it!
Hello Pooh, Reading yours and everyone's posts is like receiving a great big gulp of air, it feels so good... You hit the nail on the head as everyone here does. The incite and natural flow of everyone is a gift from God to me.
I practiced all simple Christmas songs yesterday and they are sounding good. I enjoyed every moment and I actually forgot about everything but the now. What a blessing to not have all these different thoughts racing through your head.
My daughter called, the last call during the week did not go well. It seems to work like this. She is over the top with her mean-spirted remarks. I clam up and say, Oh, the mailman is here, got to go, Then she calls in a week like not a thing is wrong. She knows just how to "Win" me back. I get confident and then blindsided again on a future call that I did not expect. The pattern is set for our trip on Thursday. I am really, really worried that she will turn on us again. The last two visits were a disaster. I have to find a way to not feed the fire with her. A simple remark can turn into an attack. I'm left to defend and it spirals down into the drain. I will focus on not answering her and maybe just stare with a confused look. Defending doesn't help so maybe this will.
Quote from: dablacks on November 01, 2010, 10:16:56 AM
The pattern is set for our trip on Thursday. I am really, really worried that she will turn on us again. The last two visits were a disaster. I have to find a way to not feed the fire with her. A simple remark can turn into an attack. I'm left to defend and it spirals down into the drain. I will focus on not answering her and maybe just stare with a confused look. Defending doesn't help so maybe this will.
I think your proposed defense is wonderful. But don't look confused. Look surprised that anyone would say such a thing!
Miss Manners (whoever she is) recommends the following when someone addresses you with a rude or impertinent remark: Stare at the offending person without speaking for a few moments. Then, with your best manners, say "I beg your pardon". I have always wanted to use this defensive tactic somewhere. I have used the first half of it many times. I find that saying nothing is very effective. I just look at the person and let her remark ring in the air.
I think I will try that seafoam except instead of "I beg your pardon" I am going to insert, "Yes, tea sounds lovely."
Quote from: Pooh on November 01, 2010, 10:43:04 AM
I think I will try that seafoam except instead of "I beg your pardon" I am going to insert, "Yes, tea sounds lovely."
HA HA HA!!! Tea sounds lovely!! I love it. Such a defusive sentence!
Love it!!! 8)
So when I shouted "Say What????" that wasn't the correct response :)
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Ummm...ummmm......nope...nope....don't see a problem with it Laurie! Lol.
Seaform, Pooh, Luise,barelythere, and Laurie, Can I laugh out loud, you are ALL so funny. I will practice my best Meryl Streep and maybe win an Oscar!! It is so very very wonderful that I have the confidence to handle this and it has NOT cost me a cent.
Thank you so much from every corner of my heart. You are the most wonderful women and I have not even met you in person. Technology is a Godsent and I am so fortunate to be able to reach out to you women of the world.
[quote author=seafoam link=topic=1060.msg21390#msg21390 date=1288633132]
Quote from: dablacks on November 01, 2010, 10:16:56 AM
The pattern is set for our trip on Thursday. I am really, really worried that she will turn on us again. The last two visits were a disaster. I have to find a way to not feed the fire with her. A simple remark can turn into an attack. I'm left to defend and it spirals down into the drain. I will focus on not answering her and maybe just stare with a confused look. Defending doesn't help so maybe this will.
I think your proposed defense is wonderful. But don't look confused. Look surprised that anyone would say such a thing!
Miss Manners (whoever she is) recommends the following when someone addresses you with a rude or impertinent remark: Stare at the offending person without speaking for a few moments. Then, with your best manners, say "I beg your pardon". I have always wanted to use this defensive tactic somewhere. I have used the first half of it many times. I find that saying nothing is very effective. I just look at the person and let her remark ring in the air.
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Ha ha, what uplifting to have bit of a laugh at these posts. posts. Well dablacks I have had the exact same things as you have described with your daughter with my son. It is emotionally tiring, draining and so confusing when one minute young adult in question is kind and thoughtful, then angry and nasty all inthe space of an hour or so. I can't keep up with the emotional and verbal abuse. Now my son has left home I can pause on the phone when I am offended, in person i will stare blankly (not confused) and that is because he tells me I am don't understand him, he has a lot of friends so he says I am the one confused!!!! After staring blankly I will say a cup of tea will be nice thankyou, whilst drinking my tea (it would probably be thrown at me but in the remote case I get one) I will say to ds I thought we were past this rudeness and disrespect and to come back when he can be nice to and...I really am a nice person I don't deserve it.
I've enjoyed this thread so much - you ladies are a hoot! I love what "Miss Manners" had to say. I hope I can remember to do that next time I'm spoken to rudely by anyone. When this happens to me my problem is that I'm taken by such surprise I forget all about how I wanted to respond. I hope I can remember the next time. Love it~!
Hugs, Hope
Me too, I'm always so surprised I just stand there with raised eyebrows and a goofy grin. It's way later that I think of the witty reply. "I beg your pardon" is a great response, and I really like "Yes, tea sounds lovely." I'd like to use that one in really random situations and see what looks I get, LOL. A friend always says, "Good to know" when someone feels the need to say something demeaning. I wish I could remember these lines when I need them.
Thumbs up!
Quote from: Pen on November 01, 2010, 06:36:37 PM
Me too, I'm always so surprised I just stand there with raised eyebrows and a goofy grin. It's way later that I think of the witty reply. "I beg your pardon" is a great response, and I really like "Yes, tea sounds lovely." I'd like to use that one in really random situations and see what looks I get, LOL. A friend always says, "Good to know" when someone feels the need to say something demeaning. I wish I could remember these lines when I need them.
Don't you wish you could have an automatic response when you're shocked by someone's bad temper/behavior and say something really good like: that's interesting. These things catch me off guard and I go into shock and pretend it didn't happen. Then, I think of something really great but it's too late.
I liked "good to know"
BT - You could have a little book that you whip open and search your list of comebacks, that will keep them off balance
Quote from: Laurie on November 01, 2010, 07:26:16 PM
I liked "good to know"
BT - You could have a little book that you whip open and search your list of comebacks, that will keep them off balance
By the time I get the little book out of my purse, it will be too late. I can't find anything in the purse anyway. I'll put "good to know" in my long term memory which is still intact.
I am really good at thinking of the perfect come-back...three days later! 8)
In reading all of your responses....I see where truly telling my daughter I was not going to take it anymore after years of loving her unconditionally is the answer. Just know that I understand the hurt....It is like the death of a child....who is still alive..... I have no answers other than to say...I am sorry your heart hurts............and I understand....
Hugs....lots of hugs....
The best "line" to remember is "That sounds like something you would say."
It's awesome because if the words were nice and were meant nicely, then it's a nice comment - meaning: you're so nice, you always say nice words.
BUT - if the words were malicious and intended to hurt then it means: I'm onto your mean-girl games. And the best part is that the person can't complain about your statement without revealing that their intentions were not good.
Oooh. I like that Scoop!
If anyone is a fan of the movie: "Sense and Sensibility". It is the story of all women living during the 19th century England. The youngest daughter pips in a remark while her mother and older sisters are speaking and the mother says to the youngest daughter;
"If you do not have anything of worth to say, then say nothing at all"
With a British accent it is priceless and what I have dreamed of saying to my daughter or for that matter anyone else who steps over the line.
Not this; ??? This: 8)
Quote from: dablacks on November 02, 2010, 06:36:58 AM
If anyone is a fan of the movie: "Sense and Sensibility". It is the story of all women living during the 19th century England. The youngest daughter pips in a remark while her mother and older sisters are speaking and the mother says to the youngest daughter;
"If you do not have anything of worth to say, then say nothing at all"
With a British accent it is priceless and what I have dreamed of saying to my daughter or for that matter anyone else who steps over the line.
Not this; ??? This: 8)
I love!!! love!! love!! that movie!!! It is one of my all time favorites. Miss Dashwood, Mr. Darcy. Maryanne Dashwood was having a nervous breakdown in losing her love, Willowby. Loved it. It turned out great, though.
We could just all buy fake hearing aids and when something mean is said we could reach up and politely fidget with it saying, "I'm sorry, my hearing aid was turned down. Could you repeat that?"
Hee hee. My Mother is 100% deaf in one ear and has 20% hearing in the other with the help of her hearing aid, so I have heard her say that...........HEY WAIT!!!!!
I "ve spent a lot of time reading here the past day. Trying to learn what others have do to help deal with issues. I enjoyed this thread a lot! I can never think of a quick come back when I need to either, because I am shocked at what the other person said! I have chosen the route of not responding to them at all , no matter what they say or do. They WANT me to react, they enjoy upsetting me. I will not play that game. I read today on Facebook my DIL had yet ANOTHER comment to just keep a feud stirred up, and it said she had considered divorcing my son because she couldn't spend the rest of her life hearing the stuff from "his family". Funny though when you look at ALL of the discussions (arguments) they have stupidly displayed on Facebook it is only my DIL, my son, DIL's mom and sis and cousin and THEIR FRIENDS! lol The only other person commenting back (feuding) is my dd who has been difficult situation for me for years. So I laugh at DIL's comment because it's her clan that's voicing all the time. I think my decision to cut ties for sanity sake is a wise one. My DIL also made snide remarks about my dd and mental illness, yet DIL has same bipolar disorder, as does my son! She refuses to acknowledge her diagnosis however. My 11 year old gd that is being sexually provocative on Facebook with photos and messages is allowed to continue this behavior as DIL and son think it's NORMAL behavior ??? I would need a notebook to explain how strange DIL family is. Her grandfather is a pastor, and when their daughter (DIL's mom) was confronted about extra-marital affairs, the pastors wife physically jumped between the two ladies and stated "she didn't know any better!" HUH???? By the time you are 40, and if your dad is a preacher, if you don't know any better than to do that...there MIGHT be a problem here! So the husand divorces her after putting up with that for over 20 years, and DIL calls her dads new girlfriend a tramp (she used a worse word)...again HUH?!!!
Time to focus on your own well-being and health. You do have a choice there.
I agree with you 100%, and I am beginning to follow that advice TODAY! I wrote my daughter a 5 page letter today and informed her of my choice to walk away to give myself "sanity", and peace in my life. I let her know I loved her, but I cannot tolerate the madness any longer, nor will I allow the grandkids to be used to control me any longer. I officially have set myself FREE today...one day at a time is all I can handle at a time. Ahhhh deep breath, time to meditate, I am feeling hopeful once again. Thank you all for the support...you are very wise women indeed! This is a great web site to have found.
Good for you! Mark this day down on the calendar and we walk with you! :)
Hi Jane
When we make a decision that is somehow hard to reach.....we get a sense of peace. Uncertainty is what kills us (me).
Love
I agree with that as well. I am feeling okay today actually. I think just setting boundaries and standing up for myself helped give me peace of mind. I will think of my grandsons, of course...but I WILL be okay! The house is a bit quieter in the afternoons I bet! lol I plan to keep busy, which is not usually a problem for us because even though we both work full time we still have our rental properties to deaL with also. My husband is a gem, and can do anything he sets his mind to, so he does all repairs by himself except for charging air condiotioning and an occaisional furnace issue. Sh he is REALLY busy! He is such a nice guy he even mows ALL of the rentals yards too! Have a most wonderful day all! Jane
Welcome Jane and kudos to you for taking back your life!
Viva la Jane! ;D
Hi Everyone: Returned from our trip to see the grandbaby. We handled ourselves very well considering that my daughter and son in law think they are the ultimate experts in baby care. The baby is 4 wks.old and they are not sure if they should feed her too much when she cries. She might interpet food for comfort and get fat. OKAY, I heard this and said, "the baby is hungry, if you limit her intake, you will have a sick baby" When she is older, you would play with her instead of handing over a cookie when she cries. I am PRETTY darm sure I got the point across. After this, any thing we did was disputed. If I held the baby too much one day and then the next day, "Didn't I want to hold the baby". Blah, Blah, Blah, that is what it sounds like to me too so I will end the details.
She informed me that my son came to her shower and all her inlaws/grandparents, aunts, uncles. I was told at the time that it was a VERY small shower with just a few girls from work and not worth the effort to fly in. I really think she got pleasure in seeing me surprised on how big of a shindig it was. It really hurt me a lot and I do believe I covered it up pretty good. What a shame to have to be a phoney with your own daughter and have no relationship with either of your children.
My husband said that I have to stop putting my heart on a string. He is right about that. We spent most of each morning on our own, by 11:00 she was calling. I would say, oh sure, we can pick up lunch and see you later. Afterward we would leave on and off for short periods or we would have to sit all day with nothing to focus on but the baby. When you have nothing in common with people, it is torture to sit all day and be taold your wrong about everything under the sun.
I am happy I am home and back to work.
Yes...welcome home! :)
Thanks, glad to be here! ;D