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Hello, all,

I have posted here over the past several years, though infrequently, but I read fairly often.  My past posts were about my adult child who had cut off all contact with me.  Later that child encountered serious life difficulties and moved back in with me for about a year.   I did my best to support this child through legal difficulties, unemployment and the end of a very bad relationship. Strangers looking on would have thought all was mended, and I had that hope, but I also had my doubts,  At the end of a year's time, my child moved out overnight, basically.  I went to work in the morning, and my child was gone when I returned home that evening.   We had argued, and I had had to set a boundary, and I didn't think that would go over well, and it did not.  I have not spoken with this child since, no family member has.  The child cut off all contact with all of us and moved quite a ways away.  I have worked hard to make my peace and move forward with my life.  I have a large family, a full time job, a long commute, a farm and beautiful grandchildren whom I regularly see and love very much.

I am 62 and the oldest of five siblings.  Both my parents are still alive and live independently on their own and do pretty well.  For many reasons I have always been the black sheep of the family, long story, but I have worked hard to maintain my connection with everyone, especially my parents, whom I visit regularly.  My siblings and I are not close, but we have always been cordial and warm towards one another.   A big issue for me and my kids has always been, my parents, especially my mother, have always greatly and unapologetically favored my youngest brother and sister and their children.  This hurt me and my kids over the years.  My kids are all grown now, and most of them have little to nothing to do with my parents and siblings.  Some harbor deep resentments. 

A couple of years ago, one of my nieces shared a house with my daughter her own age and two other roommates.  This did not go well, because the niece took up with a man who was abusive and caused many problems.  After a particularly bad scene, the niece moved out without paying her portion of the rent, leaving my daughter and the two other housemates on the hook for her rent for the remainder of the lease.  This caused some pretty bad feelings including with my sister, the niece's mother, with whom my daughter had strong words.  Not only was my daughter upset about the rent, she was very upset about the abusive boyfriend and scared for my niece.  My sister did not respond well to this.

During the time of the unpaid rent/abusive boyfriend issues, my daughter had been planning her wedding and my niece was to be a bridesmaid. Those plans went up in smoke in the fallout around the abusive boyfriend, the moving out, the unpaid rent.   Both my sisters took my niece's side.  One, a florist, had agreed to do the flowers for my daughter's wedding, but at the last minute, with only a couple of weeks until the wedding, she backed out and said she would not do the flowers. In the end, neither of my two sisters or their families attended my daughter's (large, beautiful) wedding.  They did not RSVP, they did not attend, they did not send gifts, they did not acknowledge my daughter's wedding in any way.  My parents and two brothers and their families did attend, and I was grateful. 

This past weekend, my niece married the abusive boyfriend.  No member of my large family was invited to the wedding.   The wedding photos are all over the family FB pages with me -- the oldest daughter -- and my entire large family clearly missing.  No family member has said anything about the wedding directly to me (or to anyone in my family), even though I've seen my folks regularly and have seen and had contact with my brothers and my sister, for that matter.  We were all just pointedly and silently omitted. 

This is really hurtful to me.  I knew it would be, but it's worse than I thought it would be.  It's as though my whole family has been erased from the extended family and the network of friends.  (My immediate family counting spouses and grandchildren amounts to 24 people.)   It is both painful and bizarre.  In a way, it's like all of the favoritism of the past decades has reached its final outworking, which is the erasure of me and my children.  (I am divorced and have been a single mom since 2008.)

I don't really know how to move forward now.  Do I have regular conversations now and just avoid any talk of the wedding?   I don't see that any good would come from bringing it up, but I also don't see that any good can come from pretending it didn't happen.  I did deactivate my FB page, no need to subject myself to that.  While I can possibly see my sister's and niece's predicament-- they didn't want my daughter at the wedding after all of the unpleasantness, but also didn't want to exclude only my daughter, so they excluded all of us.  Confrontation, disagreements and arguments are not really acceptable in my extended family.  That was the problem in the first place-- my daughter dared to speak up and say, hey, my cousin has taken up with an abuser, they are fighting all the time, he's hurting her, they moved out and did not pay the rent, what the heck.  (I was not in on any of this directly, I just heard my daughter's side, and, of course, my sister just heard her daughter's side.  The other two roommates did confirm what had happened though-- they all came to me asking for advice.) 

I would so deeply value any words of wisdom anyone might have.  I feel like though I have tried hard to be part of my family, it's kind of been for naught.  It does really hurt, and I am also deeply hurt for my kids.  Fwiw, my adult kids are all successful, college graduates, good jobs, nice homes, good spouses.  They're just all good people.

Thanks so much for reading, those of you who have taken the time!

C.

I am so tired of the way I am routinely treated/spoken to by some of my kids.  I have a large family, all adults now but one.  Some of my kids are so consistently disrespectful, countering/arguing with everything I say, just about, criticizing me or being critical of me in ways they would not criticize anybody else in their lives, taking what I do for them for granted, etc.   I'm a peaceloving kind of person and am not critical or judgmental of my kids, do not speak to them disrespectfully, on the contrary, I go to the other extreme probably and am overly forebearing and accepting.  This causes me to just not want to be around them or to not really want to talk to them which in the past some have interpreted as my not being interested/not caring.  It's a no win situation.  If I confront them over their disrespect, they don't like that, and if I am silent and distance myself, they don't like that either.  I don't really like the latter, either, I would much prefer to be treated with simple respect!  The kids grew up seeing me disrespected (and abused) by my exes and although they didn't approve of how their dads treated me, they seem to still demonstrate some of the contempt their dads showed towards me at times.  I'm single and have been for some years now (and intend to stay single) but I think that kind of adds to the problem, something like there is no partner in the picture to stand up for me, something like that.  Any thoughts?  Thank you for reading!

Hello, all--
A while back, probably a couple of years now, I posted my story.  My child had decided they wanted nothing to do with me and had gone on a sort of crusade to turn my other children against me.    It was a horrible time, hard for me to just keep putting one foot ahead of the other, but I did.

By way of who I am, I am 61 and single.  I've been single for five years now.  I work fulltime 60 miles away, I commute by bus, and have for 12 years.  I have a large family of children and grandchildren with more grandchildren on the way.  I love them all very dearly.

About a year ago my child who decided they wanted nothing to do with me got into trouble, I'll call this child E.  E had had a DUI, wrecked E's car (and did not have insurance) and was in a battering relationship that ended up with the police being called, the batterer lying to police, and E being charged with assault, even though E had a bone broken.  All E had done in the altercation was break a window.  The abusive partner had E's phone, car keys, shoes and other essential items inside and E was outside in the dark without a way to get help so broke the window trying to get back in.  The abusive partner told police E was the batterer and that's why E was locked out and police believed the batterer.

Long story short, right around this time, unaware of the above, I emailed E asking one last time if there were anything I could do to restore our relationship. E responded very positively and we were reunited and it was wonderful and thrilling to me.  Within a few days E asked to come to live with me briefly while getting back on track.  I said sure and E moved in.  More long story short, E stayed a year.  Over the year, I took E to all of E's court hearings, got E toE's court-required community service and anger management classes and back home again, provided food, shelter, helped E get E's small dog neutered, etc.  During the time E was here E was able to complete two quarters of community college and has just begun a third.  When E is done, E will  have E's associate's degree.  The original plan was for E to finish the associates, then go to a four year college to finish the last two years and get a degree.  E was planning to go to the 4-year school in another city to get a new start.  E did not drink while here with me.

This past weekend E's plans changed and E told me E had decided not to go to a four year school after all.  E wanted instead to continue to stay with me, to get a job and save money for a car and after getting a car, save money for an apartment.  E wanted to know if E could ride with me to the bus stop mornings and get a ride home from the bus stop in the evenings until E could get a car.  E has some money right now, financial aid for school.  I was anxious about this plan.  For one thing, quite a few times over the past year, E was not at the bus stop when I arrived after work.  Several times I had to drive 30 miles back to the city to pick E up because E had missed the last bus.  I don't get home until 7 or so every night and I had my other minor child still at home etc.  We live way out and the last bus service to our area arrives at 7. After that time everyone is on their own.  My car is fragile with 170,000 miles on it.  I also worried about E's plan for other reasons.  E had taken in two abandoned kittens while here.  At first E tried to get them homes and several times had people who wanted to take them, but in the end E didn't really want to part with them.  I told E I was worried about E being gone all day working and E's dog and two cats being left alone in E's room without supervision.  When E moved in I told E I really did not want animals in E's room.  I am an animal lover but some of my kids are allergic to cats and E was staying in the one room I tried to keep cat free for those kids' sakes.  E's new  plan would mean the cats would stay more months, grow into big cats, would have to be neutered or spayed quickly, etc. 

I told E I would consider helping with transportation if 1.  E found a backup plan, so that on days I have off or am late or have plans, I would not have to orient my schedule around E's.   One of my adult kids lives not far away and had said she would help with this.   2.  If E had a plan for the cats.  3.  I did not want this to be open ended time-wise.  I wanted E to try to give me a date as to how long E thought E would want me to drive,  and how long it would take to save for a place, once E got a job.  I said I hoped this could be completed by the first of the  year realizing that was just an estimate.

E became upset and we argued.  Suddenly it was back to I was E's "birth mother", maybe I never wanted to be a mother.  E would be more comfortable calling me by my first name.  E said E could see I "did not want to be bothered."  E said E had not asked me to drive E anywhere (besides the community service, etc.; these court requirements required about nine months to complete but E did not remember this and thought it was much less.) E said E was putting E first now and would look at options and get back to me that day.  Our argument was not good and I became very upset and cried and was despairing.  After that E and I worked it out somewhat, I thought, but E still seemed frustrated.  E claimed not to be angry but said E was doing what E needed to do to survive, just like I was.  I repeatedly told E I loved E and would try to do this but just needed to negotiate some plan that I could feel comfortable with.

I came home tonight to find E's room empty and E's animals and things gone.  E left no note and no email.  E  had just gotten a new phone and had not called me yet, so I do not know E's new phone number.  I noticed E had taken a mug E had given me as a gift that had loving sentiments on it. 

As additional info, I am in bankruptcy and have very limited funds as most of my paycheck goes to the bankruptcy trustee.  I've been in bankruptcy two and a half years with at least another year or so to go, most likely.  I had a bone fracture this summer and had two surgeries.   I missed only four days work because of those surgeries.  I cannot afford to take nonpaid time off since I still support two children in high school.  I didn't ask E for household help, only to do E's own dishes.  E's room was left in very bad condition.  The smell is really, really bad and the carpet will probably have to be replaced.  I don't have money for this or to hire help or for anything except the very bare basics. 

E has cut off  all but one sibling over the past couple of years saying they were not there for E when E needed them.  Part of this is, they would not cut me off when E wanted them to.  E has never seen her newest nephew who is 18 months old now.  E was asked to be in a sibling's wedding coming up and is not only not going to be in the wedding but is not going to go to the wedding.  This is because, E says, she does not even know this sibling (who is several years younger than E).  All of E's siblings have reached out to E and affirmed their love and support and desire to see E but E has rejected all but one.  I have good relationships with my other children now.  All but the youngest are on their own, married, working.  I am on good terms with my grandkids and babysit the littlest one sometimes. 

I am fighting despair.  This was the last thing I wanted to see happen.  I love E dearly.  E is 26.   I am also worried for E.  E could have stayed, finished this last quarter, gone on to a four year school (with financial aid). 

I would so appreciate any support anyone feels led to offer.  Thank you all so much.

C

I have not been here for a while-- not a good decision on my part.     The short version of my story is, I am the mother of a large family of adult children and grandchildren, the oldest of whom is 18.  One of my adult children completed suicide two years ago after long struggles with drug and alcohol addiction, other struggles, legal problems related to substance abuse, inpatient and outpatient rehab.  We all tried so hard to help, we all gave it the best that we could and had and we were all devastated and heartbroken over this horror.

After my child's death, our family fell apart.  I am a single mother, have been single for five years now.  The kids' dads both have died (after we'd divorced).  There had been problems before the suicide, deep, complicated ones.  After the suicide, three of my adult sons (and two of their wives who were and are best friends) severed contact with me in varying degrees.  One, together with his wife, blamed me for the suicide and severed all contact with me; the other two blamed me for other things and severed contact with me as well, except that they said I should call them if I wanted to try to repair the relationships. I was no longer welcome at their homes or gatherings.  Two other of my sons and all but one of my daughters have stayed close with me and have not blamed me or severed contact.  My oldest daughter, 36, moved in with me after the suicide in part so we could support one another through this horrible time.  The three sons and the two wives who blamed me, also include this oldest daughter in the blame, in part because she continues to support me.   I have a close relationship with my teenage grandchildren and they visit often.

I have not been willing to agree to my sons' terms for restoring our relationship, i.e., that I call them, because they have been so disrespectful towards me for such a very long time.  I know from experience that my only option would be to agree with everything they say.  I know this because in the past I *have* agreed with everything they said, have apologized sincerely for my mistakes and for how I have harmed them as a mother, but that did not resolve any of the issues.  I have really struggled on their birthdays, and I have emailed them then to tell them I miss them, I love them, I hope for better days for our family.  One son doesn't respond at all.  Recently, one sent me a fairly long email. He is 39.

(*Note: the email was removed due to possible confidentiality issues and Website liability. Luise) 

This email is so so so hard for me.  I cannot heal my relationships with these three sons or their wives-- I have tried.  They want something from me, and I do not know what it is and they do not seem to be able to tell me.  But telling them I am truly sorry and being very specific has not been enough.  My mother and my grandmothers are not and were not "crazy" any more than I am.  They were and are (my mom is still alive and they have cut her off as well) beautiful women who suffered greatly in their lives in all sorts of ways, my mom the survivor of childhood sexual abuse.  My grandmother struggled with alcoholism and with my alcoholic grandfather who was abusive in all sorts of ways when he was drunk.  I am also the survivor of severe battering at the hands of my sons' fathers.  One of their fathers went to prison for trying to kill me and died there.  I have worked all my life, since I was 15 years old.  I still work every day, five days a week, at age 60.  I have a farm that I care for myself as again, I am single.    So far as I know I have not done anything to cause anyone pain for which I have not sincerely apologized.  I am not estranged from the rest of my children, just these three sons and their wives.  My mother, their grandma, is far from destructive!  They are demonizing her and it breaks my heart.  She is old now, almost 80, my dad is 86, they don't understand what they've done that these grandsons will have nothing to do with them.

I am feeling so hopeless right now.  After my child's suicide, I fell into a major depression, but I hung on, I managed not to lose my job.  More recently I've been able to go off of my medications and have been feeling as though I might be able to live again after all.  I know that I can and will, but am so heartbroken over these sons and their wives.  I feel as though anything I say will be twisted to prop up the views they all already share of me, that their anger with me is a sort of bond for them in this awful way.  But if I don't say anything, then it will be construed as meaning I don't care.  My experience is, even when I apologize sincerely and profusely and do my level best to understand their pain and struggles, they don't believe it, don't hear it. 

If someone could offer some words of wisdom for me I'd be so grateful.  Feeling so teary and tired and discouraged.

Thank you. 

C

This is my first post here, though I have been reading for a while.

I am so very weary.  My children are all grown.  I have a large family.  Three years ago,  One of my adult sons, I will call him "P," took his own life in a terrible way.  He had been addicted to drugs and alcohol and was in and out of rehab for years.  I spent my entire retirement trying to help him.   The aftermath is, some of my adult children  blamed me, for his suicide, but also for all of the various problems all of my adult kids have.  It's kind of bizarre, because my adult kids are all, for all intents and purposes, very successful  They have graduated from college, most of them, have good jobs, none has been in trouble with the law etc., except the son who took his own life.  The oldest of my kids were abused physically, verbally and emotionally by their father when they were young.  I divorced their dad many years ago and am still single now, but they blame me for everything wrong that ever happened, it feels lie.  One child in particular seems to  hate me passionately.   I have not had contact with my kids who are blaming me for some time now, but still, this particular adult child cannot let go and every so often sends horrible hate email to me with copies to all the family members.  This happened again recently. I feel so weary and heartbroken.   I have apologized all the ways I know how for my mistakes, which are many.  I have divorced my abusive ex and have not remarried.  I have been in therapy for many years for PTSD and depression and have done my best to heal myself. I've been a good granny to my grandkids and have had them innumerable weekends throughout their lives and for weeks when their parents traveled abroad.  (My grandkids are older teens now and we are close, thank God.)   This is true even though I worked full time and still work full time now.  I know my kids know how much I love them, but it just seems to make them hate and resent me even more.  I do have very close relationships with three of my adult children.  This is also very very hard on them because the kids who hate me resent the kids who are still close to me.   One daughter in law is kind of central to the way the ones who hate me, hate me.  I have always loved her and treated her as my own as much as I could. She and her son lived with me for over a year.  I knew they needed help and didn't ask for rent.  But these two now hate me and blame me too.  If someone could offer me comfort.  I am on anti-depressant medication and have been for a long time and it helps me.  I am still in counseling.  I was severely battered by the kids' dad too.