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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: 2chickiebaby on November 02, 2009, 05:06:17 AM

Title: How does your Husband react to your devastation?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 02, 2009, 05:06:17 AM
I need to know from all of you who are married how your husband reacts to your devastation about the loss of your son from a hateful DIL? 

Just wondering what is normal?
Title: Re: How does your Husband react to your devastation?
Post by: Pen on November 02, 2009, 07:35:03 AM
What is normal? I surely don't know...this is all so crazy that it brings out the strangest reactions in people. In our situation, my husband and I both were a little wary of FDIL because of her situation and the speed in which DS and she went from dating to marriage (no, not a pregnancy, thank God!) I can't say too much, but the result is that we felt duped and uneasy. We did voice our concern regarding DS's schooling (that we were paying for) since we didn't want the marriage to cause disruption in his plans to get a degree and go on to grad school.

DH and I tried very hard, under the circumstances, to accept FDIL and her family. We knew we couldn't match them financially, but never dreamed we'd be put down, insulted, and ultimately shunned by DIL. My DH is slowly getting the picture of what this means for the future - loss of a close relationship with DS, loss of contact with future grandkids, loss of relationship between darling disabled daughter (DDD?) and her brother, etc. DH is very methodical, lives in the moment, and doesn't react immediately. He says we need to hope for the best, keep the doors open and stay positive.

He didn't see or hear the put downs and comments made to me by DIL, and if he doesn't witness it first hand, he doesn't pass judgement (frustrating on a jury!) I know he misses his son and mistrusts our DIL right now. But, there have been times when I feel like I can't talk to him because it upsets him when I'm upset and he doesn't have a way to fix it. He feels that I'm worrying too much into about what might happen in the future and not paying enough attention to our marriage and our mental and physical health, i.e. wallowing, crying, complaining instead of moving on. So, that's good because it helps me stay on track (well, most of the time...) I am so grateful for this site!!!
Title: Re: How does your Husband react to your devastation?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 02, 2009, 07:43:00 AM
My husband has shut down to me in many ways.  He is devastated too but doesn't want to discuss it.  He wants me to get over it and not talk about it (not talking about it to him means it's not happening)  I feel so alienated from him now.  I need him now more than ever. 

I feel totally alone.  All the friends I know cannot relate to this.  Everything in their family life is just wonderful!  How can I be the only one going through this out of all the people I know?

This is what makes me so crazy, well, one of the reasons. 
Title: Re: How does your Husband react to your devastation?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 02, 2009, 09:14:32 AM
Thanks so much, Anna and Penstamen for helping me not feel so alone with the husband thing.  I know that God made men but really, why?  (I'm kidding, kinda)

They don't think like we do, have to fix everything instead of dealing with it, need to have you HAPPY all the time so they can feel like they are a husband.   For Heaven sake!  This is crazy. 

My husband is the same as both of yours.  I feel better now.... ;D
Title: Re: How does your Husband react to your devastation?
Post by: Pen on November 02, 2009, 09:35:48 AM
I guess the same could go for our sons as well - since they're men, too, ya know :) Since they can't fix it, they probably ignore it. They're probably frustrated with their wives, too, and just want to keep peace in the home. Our husbands don't want to see us hurt, but they understand the son's perspective also. Darn it, I wanted my DH to rant and rave with me a little to validate my pain and indignation, but it's not going to happen.

So true about our DHs feeling left out and forgotten...we really need to keep ourselves healthy so we can keep the home fires burning for them. They already feel impotent about the situation, and men don't do well with the impotence thing. I, too, don't want to ruin my relationship with my DH over this. My DH actually said to me yesterday, "You are enough for me. I was hoping I would be enough for you." He enjoys the time we have together now that the kids are living elsewhere. He takes it as rejection if I'm hyper-focused on DS and DIL.
Title: Re: How does your Husband react to your devastation?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 02, 2009, 09:44:56 AM
You are probably right about the sons.  They have to keep the little lady okay.  Let's not have the little lady upset now.  Poor widda thang! 

I know you're right about the husbands too.  Gosh!  I can't remember all the planets but I think they are from one of them....not Mars, someplace else, far, far away where they make these people.

Those Scientologists think that humans came from Beings millions of years ago that inhabited volcano's and we're the spirits of them. Holy Moly! (I hope I don't hurt anyone's feelings but that's quite a stretch to me)  I guess that's where men are from then.  They came from the spirits in the volcano's.

I'm just kidding (kind of) 
Title: Re: How does your Husband react to your devastation?
Post by: mom2 on November 02, 2009, 09:48:10 AM
Wow, this is interesting !! OMG! our situations are so different but so alike at the same time !
My husband, in the beginning, used to tell me " Maybe you are reading too much into it, or maybe ( DIL ) didn't mean it that way".  and then he would say " I'm sure she didn't. He simply didn't want to hear it ! and I had no one to talk to ( and was losing my mind ) I even started to think that I was just dreaming all this up until.....
DIL offended him ! he told her off and then brought up all the ways she had disrespected me ! That was, of course, in defense of himself. Now, he can't stand her. I did, later, say to him " oh, I'm sure she didn't mean anything by that". LOL

It took her insulting him personally for him to be on my team.



Title: Re: How does your Husband react to your devastation?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 02, 2009, 09:57:02 AM
okay, now we're getting somewhere.....same man, married to you too.  Mine has said the same things!  He has never told her off but so that I can retain this faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamily.  It's a pretend family but it's all I've got. 

The DILs on the MIL hate sites call our get togethers, CrapTaculars.  Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamily Craptaculars. Doesn't that just break your heart?  Anyway,
I know he wanted a close family, they were all he had too but it didn't happen.  This is the way they are in the Village in the Volcano's where his people came from. I guess it's more normal to him.

Why do other people (all the ones I know) have wonderful families and we don't? 
Title: Re: How does your Husband react to your devastation?
Post by: mom2 on November 02, 2009, 10:07:22 AM
 Oh, they are from a volcano far far away !! I know I wouldn't want to visit it !! My DIL has been there though.... she must be Mayor.

Anna,
I have too started to focus on my hubby... I was way too close to our children and he was neglected because of that. That could have been his problem, maybe he was jealous; I never thought about that one. After all , my Son sure put his wife first ( even in the wrong things ).
Title: Re: How does your Husband react to your devastation?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 02, 2009, 10:08:58 AM
I am dying laughing over here!!!  She's the Mayor??  HAHAHAHA!!!!  Mine if the dang Governor.  Heck, she's the Senator from the Volcano!!
Title: Re: How does your Husband react to your devastation?
Post by: mom2 on November 02, 2009, 10:11:50 AM
Or.. President ????
Title: Re: How does your Husband react to your devastation?
Post by: mom2 on November 02, 2009, 10:13:45 AM
Chickiebaby

We should mention that Volcanos have all that hot fire and ash.. Don't that remind you of hell???
Title: Re: How does your Husband react to your devastation?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 02, 2009, 10:15:32 AM
yes, hell.....
Title: Re: How does your Husband react to your devastation?
Post by: mom2 on November 02, 2009, 10:31:32 AM
That is so very true. When this happened to our family, I was ashamed to tell anyone because I felt it was a reflection of my parenting. When I finally opened up to my sister she proceeds to tell me that she has never even seen her one yr. old grandchild. She also said that her adult children would probably have to sneak into the bathroom to put artificial tears in their eyes at the event of her death because they seem to care so little about her now...LOL ;D
Title: Re: How does your Husband react to your devastation?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 02, 2009, 10:36:43 AM
Oh, Anna!!!  Someone else!!! Hooray!!  We're not alone....I wish I could hear a story like that from people I know.. They're all just wonderful, perfect, lovely.  They must have a secret pact to never reveal one flaw to others.

Yes, is there anything higher than the President?  Maybe she's the owner of the Volcano or something. 
Title: Re: How does your Husband react to your devastation?
Post by: just2baccepted on November 02, 2009, 10:43:49 AM
so I guess the moral of my story is, you never know what truly goes on in someone else's life.   I think in-law problems are, sadly, very common.  My cousin & I found out, that no matter how it looks from the outside no family is perfect, & without problems.

As I was reading all of your posts, I thought this same thing.  Things can look perfect on the outside but when your dealing with flawed human beings nothing is going to be perfect, I promise. 





She also said that her adult children would probably have to sneak into the bathroom to put artificial tears in their eyes at the event of her death because they seem to care so little about her

Oh my gosh! That is so horrible!  I don't want my mom to ever feel that way.  I hope she doesn't.  Sometimes when I'm trying to avoid my sister and her criminal behavior my mom gets caught in the cross fire.  I will definitely have to work on that.  Thanks for sharing.
Title: Re: How does your Husband react to your devastation?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 02, 2009, 10:56:35 AM
are you freakin (notice the youthful word?)  kidding me?  Your Sister had this happen too and you didn't know it?  Well, that makes at least 5 of us or 6 and now, I feel even better.

I'm not well, though so don't leave me. 
Title: Re: How does your Husband react to your devastation?
Post by: mom2 on November 02, 2009, 12:08:47 PM
Oh yes, my sister had that happen to her and so much more! I have been trying to encourage her to join us here. I honestly believe what has happened to her is worse than any I have read so far including mine. Matter of fact, she refers to us all as the 'Mothers Club' and stated that so far she has the blue ribbon and no one has topped her yet ! ( she has been reading our posts )
Title: Re: How does your Husband react to your devastation?
Post by: mom2 on November 02, 2009, 12:17:05 PM
Ie... my sisterI

I honestly didn't know all this was going on in her life. All I ever heard was how adorable the grandchildren are and how often they see them, kept them all night...so on and so forth..

J2B,

You know that is exactly what I said to my sister " If I thought for one second I had hurt my mother like that, I would be begging for forgiveness". Isn't that just awful?
Title: Re: How does your Husband react to your devastation?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 02, 2009, 02:40:07 PM
Anna, your DIL is exactly like mine and I had zero idea of what a control freak was either.  She just is one. It's like she is terrified of the word, "I'm sorry".  I have never seen anything like it.  How can that be?

I know I'm too sensitive but gosh, this woman is not normal.
Title: Re: How does your Husband react to your devastation?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 02, 2009, 02:42:27 PM
Mom2's Sister,
Please join us....we're all in the same boat.  We're fabulous people who would love you to death!
Title: Re: How does your Husband react to your devastation?
Post by: mom2 on November 02, 2009, 03:03:23 PM
Thank you Chickiebaby for the invitation for sister... bless her heart, she has been through it too. I talked to her a little while ago and told her I had posted a couple things for her and she was happy about that and has asked me to post another one.

Her health is very bad and I know that most of it is due to grief and stress but anyway when she was in the hospital with pneumonia , her youngest son showed up fully dressed in mask gown and gloves ( he had already been informed that she was NOT contagious); it almost destroyed her. While he was there, the nurse was in the room and told him several times " honey, your mom is not contagious '" He kept his distance by standing back away from her.
She ( sister ) said it made her feel as if he thought she was dirty.

Some of the things ' mothers club' we do talk and sometimes laugh about... not cause it's funny but because sometimes, it's laugh or cry. It's all a tragedy.
Title: Re: How does your Husband react to your devastation?
Post by: 2chickiebaby on November 02, 2009, 03:22:47 PM
oh, that just makes me hurt for her.  I can only imagine how that made her feel.  No one could have made our son act that way toward us in the past....what happened?  He got married. 

First of all, the DILs say just enough to them, little by little to make them think less of you.  They are grown men so they have their say in it too but boy oh boy...when the control freak gets hold of him, he either shapes up and ships his Mother out or he can get out. 

It's as simple as that.  Also, she has more kids so he feels more and more responsible, which he should be.