March 28, 2024, 02:33:07 AM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - elsieshaye

16
Grab Bag / Re: Happy Thanksgiving!
November 26, 2013, 06:38:28 PM
Me three!  May this week contain moments of peace for everyone here, no matter what.
17
Grab Bag / Re: Today's Positive Thought
September 24, 2013, 10:08:11 AM
My best thoughts today are "this too shall pass" and "just keep swimming"...
18
Grab Bag / Re: TPBM Game
September 24, 2013, 10:07:13 AM
I was a black cat (with brown hind paws, because i didn't have black boots, lol) when I was 7 or 8.  Mom sewed ears and a tail for me.  It's been a LONG time since I could wear a leotard in public, lololol!

What's your favorite genre of book, and a couple of your favorite authors in that genre?
19
I'm sorry.  I know it hurts, but E is an adult and made a choice both to not follow through with his plan and to treat you shabbily.  The things he said were calculated to hurt you, because they've done so before.  You did your best for him, and he needs to work this out on his own. 

(For the rug, if the smell is from pet stains, you might have luck with some enzyme cleaner from the pet supply store, and a steam cleaner rental from the grocery store.  It may at least make the room usable until you can figure out a way to replace the carpet.)
20
Tree, one of the biggest effects of being subject to abuse for me was that it really skewed my perception of what acceptable behavior was.  I thought that, since my now ex-h didn't hit me like my father that he wasn't abusive, which wasn't actually the case.  Please consider that something similar may be going on for you, and that your perception of what is acceptable behavior towards you needs some recalibrating. 
21
Grab Bag / Re: In honor of college football..... :)
September 05, 2013, 10:07:07 AM
Quote from: Pooh on September 03, 2013, 10:50:57 AMI spent the rest of the year begging to be a back....

I hated sports in school, and when we had to play anything with an outfield, I was as far away from the game as possible while still being on school property, lol.  DS played soccer, and preferred to be the goalie.  Much less running, but many more cleats to the face - he thought that was a totally fair trade.
22
Quote from: Bethe on September 04, 2013, 12:32:29 PM
I so want to focus on me, but I'm scared that when...if...they want to make contact, I won't be where they last saw or talked to me. I know...I even think it sounds absurd.

If they want to make contact, they'll find you.  It may even happen that, when they contact you, you're not ready to have them back in your life in the same way, because the peace from the constant demands and criticism is too good to give up for more of what got you to the point of apologizing for everything.  KWIM?  It's scary to focus on yourself after so long being completely focused on other people - you may not even remember who you used to be, or what makes you happy - but I promise you it gets easier and even joyful.  Yay for strong days!!
23
Go, Didi, go!!  W00t!!!
24
Quote from: Pooh on September 03, 2013, 07:01:00 AMI have found that happiness lies within me, not outside sources.  Part of my original problem was that I thought that others should help make me happy.  But I have learned that no one is responsible for my happiness, except me, and the people in my life can come along for the ride or find another bus.

Oh, I love this! 
25
Grab Bag / Re: In honor of college football..... :)
September 01, 2013, 03:30:08 PM
Hahahaha!!
26
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: DIL
September 01, 2013, 12:01:57 PM
Pooh, it does actually help a little, in terms of validation, to know he's not aiming it solely at me.  I think Auntie will keep on dashing herself against that rock, though, because she really believes that's what good people do.  There's a lot of judgement on her part about my stepping back from DS - she's been struggling with my ex-husband (her brother) for decades in the same way.  He gives her nothing but abuse and contempt, no matter how much she helps him and how much she goes out of her way, yet she can't seem to really stop, because it makes her feel that she's not a good person if she does.  I used to think that way too, but it makes me physically ill and depressed and does not one tiny bit of good for the other person.  I've learned to say "not my monkey, not my circus" where she is concerned.
27
Grab Bag / Re: In honor of college football..... :)
September 01, 2013, 11:50:27 AM
Hee!  I'm a brunette (now with new and improved "glitter highlights" aka grey, lol) and I feel very much the same way about it!  So, how come all those cute guys in tight pants line up in rows, run at each other, stop moving for no readily apparent reason, and then line up again to do it all over again?  Soccer is much easier to understand!
28
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Update
September 01, 2013, 11:47:09 AM
I'm working more and more with the off-ramp versus high road idea myself.  The trick for me seems to be checking in with myself to see why I'm making a particular decision.  I know for myself that if I make a decision out of anger or a desire to punish, or out of martyrdom/obligation, it never ends up being very satisfying or sustainable for me in the long run.  But when I come at a decision with the idea of getting to what's healthiest for me, it usually goes better and I have fewer regrets.  Right now, the best decision for me personally seems to be the off-ramp, in the way that Sad talks about it:  no dramatic statements, just letting things be what they are and moving on with other parts of my life. 

I'm thinking carefully over the next couple of weeks about DS' birthday from the off ramp/high road perspective:  I usually send a small check and a card ("usually" being what's been true over the last couple of years since I asked him to move out - before then I was a lot more lavish), and then do the same at Christmas.  I've had to rethink this approach recently, since it seems that DS' hostility has only grown over time.  I find myself a bit stuck in "what will he think of me if I stop," and it's slowly dawning on me that it might be more to the point to ask myself "what will I think of me?".   
29
Grandchildren / Re: Another Grandbaby on the way :)
August 24, 2013, 08:36:21 AM
Pooh, that's wonderful! 
30
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: DIL
August 24, 2013, 08:32:58 AM
Thanks, Pen.  As another friend of mine said, the college trip must have really scared DS, because (when I made the mistake of asking him how it went, silly me!) I got a face full of crazy that rocked me back on my heels for a few days.  I also heard from the aunt who took him that he was horrible to her when she refused to just hand him money and made him apply for financial aid, and was also horrible to the school staff.

I decided it was time to take another big step back.  No more initiating contact, and the door is now firmly shut.  No dramatic slamming of that door, or announcing that it was closing, just the quiet turning of a dead-bolt.  I realized I had been yet again doing all the heavy lifting, and that what it really showed was that I don't trust him to do the work to rebuild our relationship, so I was trying to do it for him.  He may never do that work, and we may never have a relationship again.  I'm working on being ok with that.