WiseWomenUnite.com

Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: BROKENHEARTMOTHER on December 16, 2010, 03:51:54 PM

Title: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: BROKENHEARTMOTHER on December 16, 2010, 03:51:54 PM
This is my first time here. However, I should have come to this site much sooner. I was a single mother who raised her children with all the right Morales and values possible. I was uneducated, with a 8th grd education when the children's father and I divorced. At that time I knew I would not be able to raise these children flipping hamburgers at more than one job without getting educated. I worked 3 jobs and put myself through college and received a Social Work Degree; while doing what I thought was a great job raising my children. They were my focus as well as my drive to better my life. My children are now ages (girl) 38 (girl) 29 ( boy ) 26. I am Business owner and have respect for myself. Nonetheless, I found myself in the last few years ending up in abusive relationships where I was beat so bad that even bones were broke. I have also found myself allowing my brother to come stay with me while he attempts to receive Social Security and retire. I Had NOT SEEN MY BROTHER IN 23 YRS. yet find myself happy to assist him in his trying time. Now, my children were never supportive during any terrible event I went through and always blamed me stating to me " it was your choice" and  was my fault having putmyself in those situations. Recently my brother accidentally hot himself fooling around with his gun. It was a miner wound but still a gun shot. My children called the police, who read off the police report stating it was under investigation. OK, I did not shoot my brother and infact I refused to let him to continue to stay with me unless he sought out behavioral Health. e admitted himself into a Hospital for depression. Now with all that said, my children blame me for the beatings the gun shot and any other trauma in my life and refuse to have anything to do with me. My daughter actually said to me  " you are dead to me" my son is leaving for Iraq next month on his 1st tour of duty and recently got married in a fairytale wedding in which I was not allowed to attend. My oldest Daughter simply won't speak to me as hard as I have tried. To be honest, I just want to know what I have done for these children to hate me so bad. Yes, I have put myself into some bad situations, but did not mean to. What happened to unconditional love? Not to mention just love your parents. I think of myself as a good mother and a better grandmother, yet I'm denied to be either. I have told people to put on my headstone that she died of a broken heart. And that will be the truth. Please tell me what to do. Or is it really me?
Brokenheartedmother; Many thanks for whomever took the time to read this post.
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: SunnyDays09 on December 16, 2010, 04:35:20 PM
 You sound like an amazingly strong willed woman to me and welcome to wisewomenunite!!  Don't let the cruelness of another diminish what you have worked so hard to attain.  You endured some pretty difficult times without their assistance and I think you will do fine without them in your life. (If it comes to that, which it might and you must address the decision)

You have every right to set boundaries with those that do not support you.  Make them clear.  I would NOT go on hurting myself trying to please those people who were once very close to me...I have no contact with my only son since 2004 and haven't regretted it.  It was a very difficult decision to make, but my health depended on cutting these harmful and toxic people out of my life.  You may have to as well.

You are a kind soul by what I have read.  You have much to give those that need you.  Maybe you could volunteer to help with stray animals, read to children in a hospital or library, deliver meals to people.  Find something that you enjoy.  Dance lessons maybe?  Go out and enjoy YOU.  Don't let these people drag you down.  They sound just dreadful to be around.  Until they are ready to treat you with the respect you deserve, don't give them the time of day and don't be hurt by their actions.  Go do something nice for someone or for yourself.   Take charge again and keep smiling!!!
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: Pooh on December 17, 2010, 08:33:53 AM
Welcome BHM and keep coming here for support.  We all made mistakes as Mothers, we are human.  But if you can honestly say you tried your best, then you owe them no explaination or apologies.  They are going to be who they are, and believe what they want to believe.

Putting yourself through school, and being a business owner is a great accomplishment.  Pat yourself on the pat for all the "right" things you did and give yourself a break about bad decisions.  We all make them.  It's the learning from them part that makes us better people.

Big hugs!
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: luise.volta on December 17, 2010, 10:07:02 AM
Well, I took the time to read it and I think you have done a great job with your life under very difficult circumstances. I have yet to experience "unconditional love" except from my dog, (I'm serious), and I am unable to give it. There is always a line that is drawn, whether real or imagined...in my experience.

What your kids do is what they do and you have nothing to say about their choices as adults. You certainly don't have to accept their choices as well-founded but they have the right t make stupid ones. You were a whole and fine person before you started parenting and went down that road. Now, to my way of thinking, it is time to reclaim you life and move on beyond abuse...even that of your children. Sending love...
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: BROKENHEARTMOTHER on December 18, 2010, 12:35:13 PM
 :D I just want to thank everyone here who has responded to my broken heart story. Ladies, Thank you from my very heart and soul. I have no one to talk to about these things and have had no real way to vent. God Bless all of you. Your advice is something I knew with all my heart, but find it sooooooooo hard to do. dailey I wake up and say today is the day I will start living for me. However, as the day goes on and I find myself alone wishing and praying I could talk to one of my children. yet, I don't. I have been strong in that way.  instaed I simply pray. I am always alone due to the hours I work. Which makes it even harder. I wish my children would just tell me what they think I've done.... so I can try to defend myself. But at this point what does it matter. There is a point of no return.........and I think I'm there. So yes ladies I will attempt to live for me now. You know, what drove me to work so hard before was knowing I wanted to be the greatest mother ever and make sure my children never did without.  What is my drive now? I have found myself going days without getting dressed, or cleaning the house, or answering the phone or door. I have drug myself into the deepest whole on earth and now can't find my way out. What's the use? My normal weight is 110 5ft and now I'm 145 and feel so bad I won't leave the house.  I do have some ideas and have followed through with one of them. I have decided to continue to run my business, but obtain a job at Social Services as well. This would put me around a whole different type of people and possiably supportive people. But staying busy is what I need to do. Please pray that I get the Job on Monday that I am applying for. I would be so greatful. I will keep in touch with you lovely ladies and if you don't mind me saying.....my new friends
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!! Again Thank you so very much!!!!
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: Louey0727 on December 18, 2010, 01:14:11 PM
Welcome BHM:
I think everything has been said from all the wonderful ladies in their posts so far.
Do not try to analyze what you did wrong, it is like beating a "dead dog".  As far as I can comprehend from your post, you are a wonderful super person.  Your achievements and your drive to make a better life for your children, is commendable.  Be secure and happy within yourself knowing you made a better life for your children.
If you want appreciation and thanks.  We thank you for joining this forum and appreciate you sharing your story with us.
I congratulate you on all your hard work and you intentions on getting a job with Social Services.
I would ask all the wonderful ladies out there to pray for BHM that she get's the job on Monday.
Best Wishes and I will pray for you.
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: luise.volta on December 18, 2010, 01:19:32 PM
Amen! Sending love...
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: Faithlooksup on December 24, 2010, 03:41:41 PM
Dear BHMOM,  Welcome to WWU!!! :)
As I read your post it brought back memories to my very 1st post on WWU...Luise answered my 1st post with this:"I will tell you what you did wrong, you did not do anything wrong at all..."  I will always remember that so I had to share it with you.... You have not done anything wrong at all~really and as of today I want you to promise me you will stop beating yourself up, (we are good at that I know!)

YOU have done amazeingly well so be proud and loud and you raised your 3 children on your own, you did the best you could do.  Yes, we have all made mistakes along the way, and yes we probably wish we could all go back in time and take away this, and take away that--but we cant...  There was no perfect "Parenting Manual" book out when we were raising our kids, and as far as Dr. Spock goes---well thats another story in its self. ::)

So, Ok you were in a bad relationship and had some trouble with your brother~~that is life--but as long as we learn from our mistakes and do not repeat them--we have then earned our badge of Glory...

I know it hurts more than words can say how your children have walked away from you--we are all going thru that and maybe someday we will find the answer.  However your children have to grow and learn from their mistakes as well and they will.  They will walk down that road of life and trip, fall, stumble and hit many dead ends and then perhaps they will stop and realize all that you "their Mom" went thru, and did for them.  It is then that I believe they will look in a mirror and face reality of how harsh and judgemental they were towards you...But, that is simply my humble opinion...

If I may suggest being you are new, 2 books which I have found helpful.  1~When Parents Hurt by: Joshua Coleman PhD..  2: Boundaries by: Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.
These books have a lot of insight in them and may help you in many ways.

Its time to let go of your children~~do keep the lines of communication open, let them know the door is forever open...Give yourself a HUG, shake off the dust and move forward into your new adventure and journey in Life which is awaiting you...

We are here when ever you need us... HUGS, Faith :)
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: Keys Girl on December 30, 2010, 02:21:48 PM
Dear Brokenheartmother,

Unfortunately, no matter how hard you try or work, and do your best, somethings things don't work out the way you had hoped or planned for.  My aunt says "That's life".

If your children hate you, leave them be to wallow in their misery and their miserable lives.  There is always a choice to be miserable or to do something about it.  That choice rests in the individual, not the individual's parent. 

Here's my advice - forgetaboutthtem and get on with the next chapter of your life.  Take the love, dedication and find another focus for it, whether it be children, a pet, or helping the aged or some other new endeavour, like traveling by bus across the USA.

As a former single mother I know that there seems to be a special punishment reserved by their children and the disdain of smug spouses and other people which is undeserved, being the person who worked nights and weekends to put food on the table, clothes on his back and toys in his hands.  Not much of a reward, I know, but you don't have to keep them kids anymore if they treat you badly, they are adults, unfortunately too late to give them up for adoption.

You did your best and don't allow anyone else to tell you it wasn't good enough. 

Oh, and as for those children, well, I would encourage them to have a dozen grandchildren that you don't see, times are tough, jobs are hard to find and perhaps this younger generation that is so smug and hostile may just get a taste of what it's like to bring up their own children when they aren't sure if they will have a job the next day or know the special agony of walking into a grocery store with a hungry child and less than $10 in your pocket.

Forget unconditional love, that was a generation or two ago....times have changed and unless you want to continue to be someone's scapegoat, you'll have to shut the door and let them go poison someone else's life with their anger and resentment.  Lock the door, (get a new phone number and don't give it to them).

"You are dead to me"........okey dokey smokey, have a party, burn a few old photos of them, bake a cake in the shape of a gravestone, ice it with your name and call a few near and dear friends over who will give you love and rejoice in the fact that you are still here, and if you brought up 3 of those little rug rats who have now grown up to be large and hostile rug rats, along with assorted wives and grandchildren, there isn't much you can't do about their bad behaviour and attitudes.   I know you expected you would be treated better, I know I did.  It's a huge disappointment, but it's not the end of your life, just the expectations of what you had that haven't and aren't ever likely to materialize.  It could be worse, it's not terminal cancer.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did so. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."  Mark Twain

Sail away from those nasty rug rats, and explore, dream, discover and dream up a new Chapter to your life that will bring you joy and people who will appreciate you, and bake a "gravestone" cake every year, with a candle for each year that you celebrate yourself, your freedom, your own values and the joy that you bring to yourself and others around you in your new life.
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: tryingmybest on December 30, 2010, 03:29:59 PM
You know I don't know you Keys Girl but you are my frapping hero!!! ;D!!!! Have the happiest of all New Years!
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: cadagi101 on December 31, 2010, 03:02:12 PM
These posts in reply to broken Hearted mother are just brilliant.  I hang onto all these fabulous ideas you put on the table.  Thankyou from me and literally hundreds of others.

BHM your posts are read by many many ladies many who are going through what you are now.     (Over 200 read your post ..check the home page) why???   because they can relate to your topic.   Yet only some members have the strength to post and that is because they are changing their lives and getting on with loving themselves and in sharing their sadness they are gaining strength.    Reading the books suggested are very helpful...I am reading "When Parents Hurt"  if you have access to the internet ebay or many book stores have it and quite inexpensive.   I just realized oh goodness dumb me ...of course you do how would you post otherwise.  So many great suggestions so far for you to improve your self esteem and self worth.  I have another which may sound a little trivial but tiny things can help if you are interested and at the moment don't feel ready to leave the house ..wait for it!!  crosswords...or if not able to concentrate well enough try a Find a Word or similar.  I have been doing this for a couple of months now and wish I had started 10 years ago because we do just keep searching for what fits for us and one day you find  it!!   I find it gets my mind of things that worry me and I can easily find 2-3 hours fade away and a bit of brain action never goes astray.

Good luck today and feel even better tommorrow. 
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: cadagi101 on December 31, 2010, 03:08:24 PM
Quote from: Julia on December 31, 2010, 03:02:12 PM
These posts in reply to broken Hearted mother are just brilliant.  I hang onto all these fabulous ideas you put on the table.  Thankyou from me and literally hundreds of others.

BHM your posts are read by many many ladies many who are going through what you are now.     (Over 200 read your post ..check the home page) why???   because they can relate to your topic.   Yet only some members have the strength to post and that is because they are changing their lives and getting on with loving themselves and in sharing their sadness they are gaining strength.    Reading the books suggested are very helpful...I am reading "When Parents Hurt"  if you have access to the internet ebay or many book stores have it and quite inexpensive.   I just realized oh goodness dumb me ...of course you do how would you post otherwise.  So many great suggestions so far for you to improve your self esteem and self worth.  I have another which may sound a little trivial but tiny things can help if you are interested and at the moment don't feel ready to leave the house ..wait for it!!  crosswords...or if not able to concentrate well enough try a Find a Word or similar.  I have been doing this for a couple of months now and wish I had started 10 years ago because we do just keep searching for what fits for us and one day you find  it!!   I find it gets my mind of things that worry me and I can easily find 2-3 hours fade away and a bit of brain action never goes astray.

Good luck today and feel even better tommorrow.


I have to ask BHM have you seen your doctor, do you get any counselling, anti-depressants may be very helpful for you
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: JaneF on January 01, 2011, 03:03:11 AM
Happy New Year to everyone here! I agree with the post about just letting the adult kids go...enjoy your life and do not let them be the nasty hateful rug rats to you they are trying to be! Okay, so I changed the wording a bit...but the meaning is the same! We as parents who struggled to raise these unappreciative brats deserve better treatment than what we get, and I for one refuse to whine around and be sad and blue because they "hate me" for not continuing to "give to them"! Let them work as hard as I have instead of expecting the world (or me) owes them something, and always have their hand out instead of acting like a grown up and be willing to work 2 jobs if necessary, or doing without cable tv or a cell phone or expensive video games or eating out every day!!! I say let them struggle and MAYBE they will get some character, or MAYBE they will learn to appreciate what they themselves WORK for or EARN on their own instead of demanding to still be taken care of! This is my New Years resolution! The amount of money I will save by not giving to them so much, will make my life easier this year because I may not have to work twice as hard as I should at my age! The boundaries are set. If they want to call and be pleasant, fine. If they want to be nasty and ugly...they can call someone else who might give a hoot...but that won't be me! I have really been much happier lately because I refuse to play their games, and I have more energy too! This site has helped me to get stronger just by knowing there are others who understand these issues, and they offer great support! I wish you all much peace and happiness in this new year.
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: LaurieS on January 01, 2011, 12:28:50 PM
It's all about those personal boundaries isn't it.
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: luise.volta on January 01, 2011, 04:49:56 PM
I just love you graphics! Bottoms up!  8)

Kirk gave me a Sony DSC-W350 digital camera for Christmas and as I was wading through the instruction manual and the icons and the software download to my PC and the "First Picture" and downloading it from my camera to my PC and THEN getting it over to my email to show him I could do it...(he has this fantasy of an indomitable mom)...I kept sobbing, "Laurie, Laurie... where are you?"  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: stilltryen on January 09, 2011, 01:48:48 AM
You know, I haven't been on here in a while, but was reading about the adult children hating her - and while everyone here was rallying around the "brokenhearted mother," I'm thinking, "Whaaaa?"  She said she was working 3 jobs, maybe the kids felt abandoned, maybe one of the sitters did something they shouldn't have.  BHM doesn't mention a husband, the father of these children.  Where was he in the picture?  Maybe the kids got tired of seeing her beat up every other month, maybe they got tired of imploring her to quit getting involved with these losers, only to see her back in the ER a month later.  Think about it.  It would tear me up to keep seeing my mother beat the living crap out of, especially as she states, "abusive relationships," as in plural, as in more than one.  I imagine it tore them up as well.  She said she didn't see her brother for 23 years.  What if there's more to the brother that we're not privy to?  What if there's more to her family background?

Look, I'm all for being supportive of my sister women.  I also realize we have to take at face value a lot of what women write here.  There's a lot that BHW wrote that is commendable, but when I read it, I thought there were too many fine details missing, deliberate or not, for me.  Something made all these children react badly.  I would strongly suggest family counseling for all of them to see if they can reach a healthier relationship.  I hope they can someday become a good, happy, loving, supportive family.

And as for unconditional love, I've always had it from my family, I've always given it to my family.  Even my DIL, even when she is being a pill.  :-)
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: luise.volta on January 09, 2011, 08:23:41 AM
One of the most wonderful things about posting here is sharing our diverse perceptions, right? And one of the hardest things about posting here is sharing our diverse perceptions, as well. We post with our filters in place and we read the same way. And still...and still...for some reason, much of the time it works.  (Much, not all.)

Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: stilltryen on January 09, 2011, 11:06:18 AM
Courtney, I had to smile when I read "this site has not been about if I was actually, the kind, good hearted, hard working, generous, attentive, non-smothering, supportive and generally around best mother I believe I can be...nor has it been about if I am not the greatest mother I think I am to my younger daughter now in her life. Or does she have legitimate gripes and resentments toward me from long ago..." - because I think it sort of is.  Nobody in life is perfect.  One can give absolute love to another human being, pure and neverending, and guess what?  You still make mistakes!  No one on earth is perfect.  Sometimes when we think we're going the right thing, it turns out years later, nope, that was the biggest mistake.

I think this site is to vent, seek guidance, advice, offer solutions that might have worked for you, etc., etc.  Sometimes someone offers a fresh perspective that I previously never even thought of.  It may come from their own background and experience that the rest of us never had.  You may get support, you may get questions, you may get a lot of different responses, but I think they're all worthy of reading because each individual took the time to respond.  I think Luise has done a marvelous job here and I can't thank her enough.  We all just need to keep our minds open about each post, I think there's much validity because they all come from each person's experiences in life.

Frankly, I'm willing to bet that regarding your motherhood, you were actually the kindest, good hearted, hard working, generous, attentive, non-smothering, supportive and generally all-around best mother you could be.  I genuinely believe we all strive to be that to our children. 
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: neecee on January 09, 2011, 02:46:22 PM
Keys Girl - you make me laugh out loud!!!  I am working so hard to be a big girl and all spiritual and truly that is my goal and I know that there is my path....but you say what the other part of me is thinking!
I had what I felt was a really mean thought..."I hope they have ten kids!  and then they can try to blend those with ten others in a second marriage!  and then feed them and work nights and be at soccer games and ...and..."  You are a good soul dear. Yippee!  It is good to have a Mean Snakey moment!

Today, my daughter in law who is a very dear friend and I were talking about a spiritual boat that I could mediate upon.  I would send this boat across the water to other DIL and see if we can gently bring her across this vast water that has been created between us.  Well...then my DIL said "I want to send a boat that is really little and she can barely fit her skinny butt in it and some cold water gets on her...and and..."  I guess we can see where that was going.  And then I just laughed more! 

We know the truth my dear, but dear heavens it is good to just get down and dirty some days!!!
We are just human after all!!!
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: Keys Girl on January 09, 2011, 05:02:17 PM
Neecee, I moved a few years ago and came across a few boxes of cancelled cheques, the cheques that I wrote to send my son to all kinds of summer camps, etc.etc.  I had forgotten how difficult it had been to try to make it on my own and do the best that I could for him.  It must have been very difficult for him, but his father never acted in any kind of responsible way.  Today his father is still telling his son what a disappointment he is while his father now has all kinds of money, never having paid child support.  I carried a huge burden of debt for many, many years just to provide the basics that my son never knew about.  There were lot of other difficulties that he never knew about.  I wouldn't even date anyone who wouldn't treat him well and never remarried.  Frankly at this point in time, after 30 years of doing the best that I can with a very difficult set of circumstances, I'm not prepared to put myself out anymore for him.  I did the best I could with a bad bunch of cards and played the hand as best as I could by working hard, and giving him an example that included values of honesty and kindness.  If the cupcake is marrying a man who will treat her with some love and affection, it is because he learned that from me.  That he doesn't have any time for me unless there is some money coming his way is a huge disappointment, and maybe he didn't absorb all of my values or maybe this is such a mess that he's punishing both parents for his difficult childhood.

No matter, it's a new year, and as the words of a song "Never lose hope"......."Tomorrow is New Years Day, the past has done it's worst"......it seems to me that so many women in my shoes have so many regrets about what they didn't do.  As far as I'm concerned, I did my best.  If my best wasn't good enough for him and he's going to be resentful for the rest of his life, so be it.  There were times when I could have given him up for adoption when he was a teenager and I wish I had signed him into the army.....but effectively he's been adopted (and enjoying it, it seems) by his bride to be and his "new" family.

I have been adopted too.  By the globe that I'm still walking on, not hooked up to a machine with a heart attack, not thankfully going for chemo and worrying about wether I'll be here in a week or a day or a month.

An hour can make a difference, a car accident or some other unexpected event can take you off the planet.  With every day that goes by, I feel better, my blood pressure is slowly dropping and I'm ditching the other few toxic people in my life and enjoying the company of the many new people that have come in. 

Life is short, ya gotta play hard while you can.  I've done my crying (for a while, Christmas was tough, but next year it will be easier).  I'm considering changing my email address and phone number to preserve the peace and quiet that I'm coming to get used to and when you are out there having as much fun as you can well, there is less time for sitting around giving yourself a hard time over someone else's decisions on how to live his life.

Yes, I do have my days (once in a blue moon) where I would like my son and the cupcake to see exactly how difficult is was and how many nights I lay awake worrying about how I was going to get it all done and pay for everything on my meager salary, without any education and my own family who had pegged me the "loser" because I was a single parent.

I'm retired now, with a tiny pension, and the ability to make people laugh on paper and in person.  I've buried far too many good friends at early ages and my friends are now having strokes.  I don't know how many more years I'll have on the planet (without some huge health issues), but like I wrote once before, "These boots are made for walking" and my boots aren't sitting at home, while I drop tear stained tissued into my waste paper basket.  The women on this forum, Luise in particular have helped me enormously.  A friend of mine who died recently wrote me a letter and warned me that guilt as a weapon that he had seen used to turn good people into pawns by adult children and warned me not to walk down that path as he knew me well.  I treasure that letter and it was the anchor that kept me from believing that I deserved all the crap that has been thrown my way.

That my son and future daughter in law are now controlling people whose cruelty is emotional abuse is not my fault.  Never once when my son was growing up did I ever say "Well, let's turn him into someone that OJ Simpson would be proud of", quite the contrary.

It didn't work out well so far.  At this point, I don't have any motivation for me to give them or anyone else the opportunity to add even a teaspoon of misery to my life.  Misery loves company and I'm already pulling on my dancing boots to head for the door!!

Living well is the best revenge!!
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: luise.volta on January 09, 2011, 08:24:37 PM
Yay, Keys Girl!!!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: luise.volta on January 13, 2011, 12:13:32 PM
This is a day to know that you are going to live and beyond that you are going to thrive. This is a day to know that you aren't alone in your imperfection but have a lot of imperfect friends here. This a a day to know you are more than your biological roll...whether seen in a positive light or not. This is a day to know you are loved.
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: Pooh on January 13, 2011, 12:43:44 PM
Hang in there courtney, you are stronger than you think!  Just the statement you made "I could use warmer climates as an excuse-they don't have to know it's because I have a selfish brat for a younger daughter" tells me you have come miles in your journey of not trying to figure it out, but accept it for what it is. 

And I will join Luise in a motto:  "I am perfectly imperfect!"

Big, HUMONGOUS hugs to you Courtney!
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: cremebrulee on January 13, 2011, 01:45:56 PM
BHM
Welcome, and I'm very very sorry your kids feel the way they do, they are missing out on the best person in they're lives...shame on them...some day, they will be sorry, and by the way...
Yes you are a strong woman, and a beauty at that...they may not appreciate you, however, I do, not to mention, I'm very proud of what you've done with your life, and for the choices you've made...
BRAVO Lady!!!!

Your a keeper and yes, good luck with the job....

just adding one bit of advice....you have to learn how to be alone, and enjoy the company you keep...in other words, I'm alone, but not lonely in the least....the more women who I've talked to who have lost they're husbands, say, they would never marry again....they love they're independence and want to spend the rest of they're lives, pleasing themselves...and it's so true, the longer your alone, the more you enjoy it....

Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: neecee on January 16, 2011, 03:08:05 PM
AMEN Sisters!!
I flip between being the wimpy door mat still feeling sad and the furious wicked stepmother wishing I had a few poison apples to give away!  The sweetest revenge is to live a great life! A great life doesn't involve either one of those personas. I think we should all just live as joyously and authentically as possible. I also think a life of service to others can be incredibly healing.  I am going to do my best with some way to give to others this year.  A grateful smile can go a long way.
Go Ladies!!
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: Faithlooksup on January 16, 2011, 04:28:15 PM
Goooooo Sisters Amen......I am happily divorsed~~21 years...I LOVE my freedom and come and go as I please, if I am late, I dont get the third degree from anyone as to my where abouts etc.  Dinner does not have to be on the table at a certain time...you have to learn how to be alone in order to be with others.   2011 is the year of me.......
Sending Hugs to you...Faith
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: Pen on January 16, 2011, 06:58:23 PM
Good thread - love the upbeat advice and hopeful statements. This site is amazing! I love my WWU sisters.
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: luise.volta on January 16, 2011, 08:05:33 PM
Me, too!  :D
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: LaurieS on January 16, 2011, 08:14:22 PM
Now Now Now Luise... you really must be more careful with your postings... your post was the first on page three, but it just didn't quite reflex what you were really trying to say :)

(http://i1201.photobucket.com/albums/bb341/LaurieSS/metoo2.jpg)

Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: luise.volta on January 16, 2011, 08:19:02 PM
The last post was "I love my WWU sisters." And I said "Me, Too!" So shoot me!
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: LaurieS on January 16, 2011, 08:25:01 PM
That reminds me of a email my dh sent yesterday:

Church Ladies With typewriters . . .


They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies
with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared
in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight:
'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone
who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help
they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So
ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will
follow..
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: luise.volta on January 16, 2011, 08:38:55 PM
Oh, Laurie!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: Pen on January 16, 2011, 08:47:33 PM
I actually saw a sign that said "Meth Church hosts pancake breakfast."
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: luise.volta on January 16, 2011, 08:51:17 PM
I love it!  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: LaurieS on January 16, 2011, 09:02:11 PM
LOL.. Meth Church ... you know  you've just got to see the humor in things, even when it's not originally intended
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: luise.volta on January 16, 2011, 09:03:41 PM
Well, the Retirement Center where I live is owned and run by the Free Meth Church. Is doesn't get much better that that!
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: LaurieS on January 17, 2011, 08:28:04 PM
While I was doing my favorite thing in life today- getting a mother/daughter pedicure, we noticed a sign saying "Free Cookies" and the next line was "Only 1.00 per package"  good thing I'm on a diet.. I might have been tempted to find out which it really was.
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: luise.volta on January 17, 2011, 09:02:49 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: Gram on January 17, 2011, 09:12:55 PM
I am always amazed at how uplifted and understood I feel in WWU. I am also in awe (really) of Luise. You are so insightful, witty, compassionate, and wise....need I say more? Sometimes I'd like to crawl in your back pocket, and when I feel beat up by the world (DS and DIL that are still breaking my heart), I'd climb out and be encircled by your hug of understanding! Then all would be better with my world! (Yeah, I'm not thinking realistically , but it's nice to dream!) Thanks to Luise and to all of you for the blessings you are to me! Gram
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: Pooh on January 18, 2011, 06:01:25 AM
"The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday."
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: LaurieS on January 18, 2011, 08:52:36 AM
Those church ladies are a wild bunch
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: forever spring on January 18, 2011, 09:34:11 AM
Love it, keep up the good work. Laughter it THE GIFT FROM HEAVEN! Keep us smiling - thanks for the unintended 'jokes', they'll come in useful one day. :) :) :)
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: LaurieS on January 18, 2011, 09:48:54 AM
Quote from: Gram on January 17, 2011, 09:12:55 PM
I am always amazed at how uplifted and understood I feel in WWU. I am also in awe (really) of Luise. You are so insightful, witty, compassionate, and wise....need I say more? Sometimes I'd like to crawl in your back pocket, and when I feel beat up by the world (DS and DIL that are still breaking my heart), I'd climb out and be encircled by your hug of understanding! Then all would be better with my world! (Yeah, I'm not thinking realistically , but it's nice to dream!) Thanks to Luise and to all of you for the blessings you are to me! Gram
awe wasn't that sweet.. you are an insightful old dame Luise
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: luise.volta on January 18, 2011, 10:03:35 AM
Hummm...let's see....was that a compliment, Laurie? Hummmmm......
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: LaurieS on January 18, 2011, 11:16:51 AM
who was the busty blond who called herself an old dame
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: LaurieS on January 18, 2011, 11:17:21 AM
and don't come up with that Monroe woman it wasn't her.

Found her 'Mae West'

(http://i1201.photobucket.com/albums/bb341/LaurieSS/maewest2.jpg)
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: luise.volta on January 18, 2011, 12:23:14 PM
I was thinking of ZaZa Gabore http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1246470/Zsa-Zsa-Gabor-looks-tired-

Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: luise.volta on January 18, 2011, 01:30:32 PM
When the Lord passed out legs, I thought she said kegs and I asked for two big ones.

When the Lord passed out brains, I thought she said trains and I missed mine.

When the Lord passed out busts, I thought she said crusts and I said, "No thanks."
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: luise.volta on January 18, 2011, 01:55:50 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: neecee on January 20, 2011, 02:57:53 PM
Oh Laurie!  I laughed til I cried!  Those were the funniest church lines.  DH sitting on his computer next to me thought I lost my mind...when I started reading them to him...he did the same!
Made my day. I am recovering from pneumonia and my immune system really needed that laugh!
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: Gram on January 20, 2011, 07:32:46 PM
Quote from: Laurie on January 18, 2011, 09:48:54 AM
Quote from: Gram on January 17, 2011, 09:12:55 PM
I am always amazed at how uplifted and understood I feel in WWU. I am also in awe (really) of Luise. You are so insightful, witty, compassionate, and wise....need I say more? Sometimes I'd like to crawl in your back pocket, and when I feel beat up by the world (DS and DIL that are still breaking my heart), I'd climb out and be encircled by your hug of understanding! Then all would be better with my world! (Yeah, I'm not thinking realistically , but it's nice to dream!) Thanks to Luise and to all of you for the blessings you are to me! Gram
awe wasn't that sweet.. you are an insightful old dame Luise

I actually meant my words about Luise and her comfort in difficult times; guess I got into the humor stream! Sorry.
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: Pen on January 20, 2011, 07:44:43 PM
Gram, sometimes silliness overtakes these threads. I think it's a matter of "laughing to keep from crying." I'm sure your heartfelt sentiments were taken seriously. I loved your post, BTW, but for some reason I didn't reply. So here I am now, letting you know.
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: luise.volta on January 21, 2011, 02:48:24 PM
Well, I'm a "dame" ...and my name is "Luise"...and I often feel "grand"...but where does the "old" come in?  ;D ;D

Honestly, I do appreciate the kind words...they often keep me going...but I can get SO silly  :-[
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: LaurieS on January 21, 2011, 09:07:14 PM
"OLD" was typed in a loving manner
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: luise.volta on January 21, 2011, 09:10:19 PM
I know...I know, just horsing around. And actually I love being old!  :D
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: Mariatobe on January 30, 2011, 05:05:40 PM
I haven't read all of the other posts, but some of them.  Your children grew up with you.  They watched you make mistake after mistake with men.  Put yourself in their shoes.  You now have a brother who is having issues, and keeps guns in the house.  I would not go anywhere near there.  They are protecting themselves and their children (if they have children.)  What do you think it was like growing up there?  A cake walk?  I'm sorry to be harsh, but if a relationship with your children is important, you need to go to counseling, tell brother to find a new home, and get the chaos out of your life.  There is a POLICE REPORT with your name on it.  There was a GUN incident IN YOUR HOME.  I think you need to not blame your kids, but if you continue with these choices, you will live without them, as they are protecting themselves.  Did you protect them when they were younger and you were dating all these losers and bringing violence into your home?  Look at your life, and change it and get help.  Then maybe they will come around.  I'm sure they love you, they've just been hurt over and over again.  Good luck.
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: Pen on January 30, 2011, 08:05:06 PM
Mariatobe, I just reread BHM's OP and I'm not sure I understand your interpretation. BHM may have had chaos in her life, but it wasn't quite as you portray it. It sounds to me as if most of the chaos happened after her kids were grown and gone. I do agree that she needs help picking better partners, and as a social worker she probably has resources available. I hope she can improve that part of her life, too.

I was impressed by how hard she worked to provide a better life for her kids. I would have hoped her adult children would understand the circumstances and offer forgiveness and support, perhaps even a little gratitude for her effort.
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: luise.volta on January 30, 2011, 08:19:23 PM
If you are a newbie and haven't read all of the other posts, it's easy to misinterpret. Just read for a while and it will start to fall into place and make more sense. Sending love...
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: Mariatobe on January 31, 2011, 05:59:52 AM
I may be a newbie, but I'm not stupid.  This woman has had many boyfriends (husbands) that have abused her.  Sorry, but when I read something like that, my first thought is about the children in the home.  What was it like watching all these men come and go, and beat up your mother?  That sort of stuff usually comes with alcohol problems.  I don't need to read her other posts.  She had a brother with problems she let live in her home, and had a GUN incident.  This is NOT to be taken lightly.  I won't feel sorry for someone who's children won't talk to them, after envisioning how they grew up.  Did she EVER make time for them?  Or was she always working and getting another man?  Did she ever treat her children as number one, or was she worried about her next boyfriend?  I'm not saying this to be harsh, but look at the reality of the situation.
There was another poster on here who said her story had a number of holes in it.  I agree.  I think if she wants a relationship with her kids, she needs to take ownership of the fact they weren't raised in the greatest home, and hopefully, she is making much better choices.  Although the gun thing says to me, no, she's not.
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: Pooh on January 31, 2011, 06:18:34 AM
Maria, no one thinks you are stupid, just maybe not understanding her OP.  All the violence and abuse she said has occurred in the last few years, after her children were grown and gone.  I totally agree with you that her decisions as an adult, are on her and her children do not want anything to do with the situations that are occurring now, and I don't blame them either to a certain extent.  They could still offer support from afar and encourage her to get help, instead of writing her off.

But from her post, I see nothing but a single mother trying to make a better life for her children when they were in her house.  I am sure they harbor feelings of "Mom was never around" because she was working so much to help them, but as adults, I would hope they would go back and see the other side of how hard she worked, for them.

I think everyone was encouraging you to go back and reread her original post again.
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: luise.volta on January 31, 2011, 09:05:31 AM
Please take a step back and a deep breath and consider whether this is a site where you fit. Read many threads and many posts before you decide. It isn't a debate site or a right/wrong site. It is a gentle and loving support site. We are candid and helpful because that's what we need from others. We disagree without judgment. It's not for everyone.
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: cadagi101 on January 31, 2011, 01:55:22 PM
Maria Trobe,  I will say and it is in absolute support for Broken Hearted Mother and not to bait you.  I mean that and I hope so much aren't offended.  We do all have differing opinions on this site  so I am able to express mine also.   

To get the full picture it is very important to read original posts.   That is the only way one can reply with understanding of a situation.  if after reading the OP you feel the same way..so be it.     That is your opinion and it did sound very harsh as no-one can be honest and say they haven't made mistakes in their life.  My sister has been married 3x's and was verbably abused and I hope not but do not know if it was ever physical.    That is something i will never know but is always possible. My sister is  a trier and I respect her greatly she is always looking for the answer and may never find true happiness because  sadly she looks to the past and feels she has failed.      (when in reality she hasn't failed maybe been uknlucky in life through no fault of her own.)  I admire many of BHM achievements.   Also we can believe what BHM say's because we feel  her sadness and hearbreak...and we don't judge our cyber buddies  we need each other and we look after each other.     If mistakes have been made by BHM (as with all of us)....in the past, that's where they will stay.... in the past and we all need to move forward without harsh judgement      Bravo to BHM for posting to us.     As for guns well my god accidents happen just to often and I worry everytime my son goes pig shooting.      BMW stick with us you will find support here.   

Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: Keys Girl on January 31, 2011, 02:23:40 PM
Quote from: Mariatobe on January 31, 2011, 05:59:52 AM
I may be a newbie, but I'm not stupid.   I'm not saying this to be harsh, but look at the reality of the situation.

There was another poster on here who said her story had a number of holes in it.  I agree.  I think if she wants a relationship with her kids, she needs to take ownership of the fact they weren't raised in the greatest home, and hopefully, she is making much better choices.



One of the continuing drawbacks of being a single parent is that you are continually called upon to pick up the slack for everyone else's negligence (financial and emotional) and are an easy target for criticism.  It doesn't matter if it was the greatest home, many people grow up in chaotic homes, in neighborhoods where they dodge bullets every day and turn out just fine.  Look at Jennifer Hudson.  Her brother and mother were killed by her sister's estranged boyfriend who had a gun.  If you want to pass on some of your "not harsh" assessments, I suggest you give her a call.

If the children of single parents don't wish to keep in touch with their custodial parent they may not necessarily be shielding themselves from further hurt but rather extracting a form of punishment on the only parent they had and could trust when they were growing up.  That's the way it works.  I learned that when my son was young and a psychologist told me he would never fight with his father because he knew the bonds he had with him were so fragile, but the bond he had with me was so strong so he would vent on me.  Twenty five years later, some things haven't changed.

So for future reference, please read all the posts and if you have any judgmental advice, call the Pope, he'll pass it on and remember, when you point the finger at someone else you always have at least 3 fingers pointed back at yourself.


Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: luise.volta on January 31, 2011, 03:07:17 PM
MTB: It's clear that we gather around and protect anyone judged here. That's because it's not out intent to have that happen. We come here wounded, looking for understanding.

In the upper right-hand corner of the Home Page the little write up ends with: "We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts...and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

I would like to suggest that you are not quite ready and when you are, please share your challenges with us. You will find that the responses are wisdom, not judgment. 

Thank you.
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: Mariatobe on February 01, 2011, 03:13:31 AM
Look, I'm all for being supportive of my sister women.  I also realize we have to take at face value a lot of what women write here.  There's a lot that BHW wrote that is commendable, but when I read it, I thought there were too many fine details missing, deliberate or not, for me.  Something made all these children react badly.  I would strongly suggest family counseling for all of them to see if they can reach a healthier relationship.  I hope they can someday become a good, happy, loving, supportive family.

That was what stilltryen wrote.  I totally agree.  You can be supportive.  But you can also give tough love.  It wasn't my intention to be harsh, only, her kids were children when some of this happened.  You can't erase that out of your  head.  I know a woman who's 48 years old , was molested by her mother's husband, and to THIS DAY, has a hard time dealing with it.  She blames her mother for not stopping it.  She's been on and off drugs, has 3 children to 3 different men.  She LOVES her mother, but in the back of her head, STILL blames her.  Is this rational?  Should she let it go?  I can't answer that, as I can't imagine living with those images in my head the rest of my life.  That is what I am saying about the original poster.  We can be supportive.  But with some of that comes personal responsibility, not blaming everyone else, but taking a deep look inside yourself.  Because I think she needs counseling to help her out of the dark pit she is currently in.  I think it would help get her back in control.  If her kids see that, then they may come around.  But she let someone live at her house recently with issues, and had guns in the house.  My husband has guns, and never ONCE did they "accidently" go off.  If her adult children have kids, they have to protect them.  Period.  I think she would benefit from outside counseling.  I hope it helps. 
But, I believe like stilltryen does.  There are some holes in her story.   Something made her kids react badly.  I hope she does get her life on track.  Only then will a reunion happen.  I think of it as more of  a tough love approach than being harsh.  Sorry if it offends some people.
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: Pooh on February 01, 2011, 06:28:13 AM
I hope you understand that we welcome different viewpoints and opinions here, but when someone new comes in and they very harshly criticize a poster, right off the bat, and have not even offered some of their own history first, it is hard to take.  I have seen where people come in, blast someone and then leave.  So I am very glad to see you stayed and offered your explanation. 

Some things do happen even if you have not experienced it personally.  I also have an arsenal in my home, and no accidental shootings.  But over my career, we have had at least 5 truly accidental shootings.  It doesn't happen often (and most people will argue nothing is accidental, even wrecks) but more "accidental" in the sense a stupid error in judgement.  Not on purpose.  Most were when someone was cleaning a weapon and didn't clear it first.   So it does happen and we can't make assumptions.  Also I hope you never experience it, but some children do lash out and can react badly for no real reasons.  Many of us here are dealing with adult children who are doing just this.   
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: tryingmybest on February 01, 2011, 12:31:01 PM
I know what I get from Wisewomen is that we all know of course there are always two sides to a story, but when someone reaches out in pain they need to feel support so they can start to heal, and start to make good choices. I love this place ;D!
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: stilltryen on February 01, 2011, 01:06:53 PM
Yikes Maria!  I certainly didn't mean to dump on BHM.  The only way I figure to solve my own issues is to try and see both sides, and that's what I did in this case.  (No, I'm not always successful, but do try!)  Sometimes folks have a lot of history that they simply don't want to share - and that's their right.  Sure, I said that we didn't know it all, but at least BHM wrote it down, she seems to be sincere in attempting to work it through and get it all back together, and I guess that's really what counts.  I think when everyone posts on here, they point out the problem and then try to figure out where things went wrong.  Was it when they made a comment to DIL that was taken out of context?  Was it when they refused to help their children with money, etc.?  BHM seemed to pick up things from "the last few years."  She was missing a lot of history that must have happened previous to that, as her children are now 38, 29 & 26.  If I had been close to my mom until, say 28, then she started making bad decisions, I wouldn't hate her.  I think I'd try harder and fight to make sure she understood she'd taken the wrong fork in the road.  That's why I thought that perhaps these issues might have been brewing for far longer.  I don't know, but if someone posts on here, I figure they're trying to get advice, encouragement, etc. and that's always a promising start.   

Also, as one does tend to write based on personal experiences, I must also admit my answer partly reflected that.  My friend did the same thing.  She worked 2-3 jobs while going to college (hubby left her for another woman, moved away across country, never saw the kids again and rarely ever provided child support).  She had two kids and later told me her children had suffered immensely.  Her son and daughter were both molested by babysitters, her daughter was raped, both children had kids in high school (actually neither of them graduated either), it was very hard and that family went through a ton of counseling to make it through. 
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: Keys Girl on February 07, 2011, 09:32:30 AM
Quote from: stilltryen on February 01, 2011, 01:06:53 PM

Also, as one does tend to write based on personal experiences, I must also admit my answer partly reflected that.  My friend did the same thing.  She worked 2-3 jobs while going to college (hubby left her for another woman, moved away across country, never saw the kids again and rarely ever provided child support).  She had two kids and later told me her children had suffered immensely.  Her son and daughter were both molested by babysitters, her daughter was raped, both children had kids in high school (actually neither of them graduated either), it was very hard and that family went through a ton of counseling to make it through.

I would like to point out that it's not only the children of single parents who suffer sexual abuse.  There's many a "close knit" family with a lecherous uncle or other relative and there are many babysitters who are not molesting the children of single parents or people who are still a couple.

Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: stilltryen on February 07, 2011, 12:13:43 PM
@keys girl, re:  "I would like to point out that it's not only the children of single parents who suffer sexual abuse.  There's many a "close knit" family with a lecherous uncle or other relative and there are many babysitters who are not molesting the children of single parents or people who are still a couple."

You are absolutely correct, and I believe that's a given.  However, if you read from the beginning, that's exactly what this woman did.  Was left with 3 kids, went back to school, etc.  I was drawing from a parallel experience.  I also did not mean to infer that this is what happened to BHM's children.  I was merely pointing out that BHM is having problems with her adult children not caring about her, and my point was that there may (or may not) be a lot of history in the background that might have led up to this sorry state of affairs. 
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: Simply Mom on March 17, 2011, 02:50:33 PM
I read your story and am sorry you are going through this pain. I am too going through something very similar. I send a prayer up for you. I understand the pain of unconditional love not returned after so much given and sacrificed for our kids.
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: Pen on March 17, 2011, 08:16:27 PM
Simply Mom, welcome. I hope you have the posting thing fixed. I'm sorry you are going through whatever it is that led you here, but I'm glad you found us. This site has helped many of us get a grip on our lives after some very sudden, confusing, hurtful  occurrences with our adult children. Take care and keep posting!
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: me1ody on April 08, 2011, 05:18:37 AM
Hello everyone, it was only that I Googled "Why do my children hate me." because mine do, that I realized I was not alone.  It started for me with my ex-husband poisoned their minds against me.  I always wondered why anyone would want to turn a child against a parent.  It is not as though I am a monster with 3 heads, or even a drug addict or a drunk.  I appreciate the responses I have read and even though I cannot change my children I have to focus on moving forward.  I have been without them for 14 years now so I don't expect them to change.  Part of me doesn't even hope anymore.  I am trying to stay positive.  Wonderful husband, great job, new house and so much love to give. 
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: Pooh on April 08, 2011, 05:31:44 AM
Welcome me1ody.  I've never understood either why anyone would poison a child's mind the other parent, or anyone for that matter.  Using children as pawns and weapons takes a very insecure, ugly-souled person.  Stick around and keep reading and you will truly see you are not alone.  So sorry you have been going through this for 14 years, and yes...you deserve to move forward. 
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: holliberri on April 08, 2011, 05:40:18 AM
Hi Me1ody,

I am so sorry for what you've had to go through. I think staying positive is a good thing and the ladies around here are certainly able to help you do that! Welcome!  :)
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: Pen on April 08, 2011, 08:57:37 AM
Me1ody, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this sadness and loss. Usually it backfires when one parent sets out to destroy another. Your kids may come around after all, although I do agree that 14 years is a long time. It's good that you are trying to stay positive and can count your blessings. By moving forward you will be ready for a reconciliation or a break, whichever happens. You do deserve a good, peaceful, fulfilling life after all the sorrow and difficult times.
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: Kennedy on April 08, 2011, 09:29:04 AM
Hi Me1ody, It sounds just horrible what you've had to go through.
I'm fairly new here too. But I've been reading post after post and I have seen how the women who are members here are just amazing!
So kind and understanding!
I think it is horrible when people divorce and use children the way you talked about! It never has made sense to me? Those babies love both of their parents and in my opinion when a parent does that it hurts the person they calm to love.
I think you're very strong and brave. (((HUGS)))
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: me1ody on April 08, 2011, 02:47:18 PM
I do appreciate the understanding.  All of us seem to share one common link.  My story is long and sad and I am responsible for the break up of my marriage but that did not make me a woman who deserved to live a life without her children or they without me. My husband remarried and his wife assisted in the process of heaping untold misery onto our children.  My husband stood idly by while she was cruel and mean as a step mother. I tried to intervene and was treated with indignation and resentment by my husband.  Their union lasted 10 years until she also did what I had done and found herself another man.  I do not condone what I did or think it was the right thing.  I grew up in the bible belt, dad was a preacher and I knew better so please don't tell me about sin or I made my bed. I have had a lifetime of suffering and it isn't over yet.  When my ex's marriage was over he decided to contact me again and wanted to resume a kind of regular contact.  I was so angry and let him know it which did me no favors.  A few years later and he again wants to contact me and stay in touch via email.  It is the only contact where I can hear about the kids and how their lives are so I am keeping the lines of communication open.  I have lost respect though for a man who allowed a woman to rule his life and make my children suffer because she was cruel and mean to them.  While my ex is alone now I am happily married to an amazing man whom I adore and he does me.  I have known him for 14 years and married to him for 5.  He was not the person I had the affair with.  My children are always in my thoughts and I have begged them for their forgiveness for ruining their lives and screwing up their childhood.  I was 18 when I married and that was only because dad learned that I had become sexually active and he told me and his exact words were, "You have ruined my good family name" and "no man will ever want you so you better marry him".  I grew up in an isolated backward rural area and also grew up without TV for most of my life. TV is a bad influence according to dad. What dad said was gospel and I knew the small community would look down on me or thought they would so I married my ex at the age of 18.  I did not love him and our union was not perfect but I stayed because that is what I was taught to do and had children.  I then did the unthinkable and it is of course my children that have suffered throughout all of this but I have suffered too.  In the end I knew I had to leave because my husband made my life living hell when he learned of my indiscretion and he threatened to kill me. I know I had a breakdown then and even though I told a co worker about the threat I would not go to the Police but she did.  The Police came to me and wanting to protect my stupid husband I said that "no, it was not true" even though I was afraid of going to sleep at night in case I never woke up. I had to get away and did and it was then that my ex got a lawyer and they decided that I needed to be monitored when in the presence of the children and could not be trusted to be alone with them lest I abduct them. I tried to fight this but it was difficult with the limited funds I had and he had the support of an entire family of 12 siblings, his parents and my parents.  My in-laws assisted him financially while my parents had no money but even if they did have they would have supported him because after all I had an affair and was a bad woman. I look now to other posts where I can see I am not alone and I at least can feel a sense of understanding.  My father has sent me letters over the years to tell me that I am going to hell and that I better repent.  I know now my own childhood was screwed up but that is another issue altogether. I have sought counselling over the years.  I went to visit my parents about 7 years ago after Hurricane Katrina had been through and at that time I was not married but "living in sin" and my partner (my current husband) was with me.  I had travelled for over 17 hours to get there and it was late and it was uncertain whether or not there was accommodation in the nearby area that was opened or available and my parents told me that under the circumstances, coexisting without marriage, I was not able to stay under their roof.  I would not have asked anyway and would rather have spent the night in the car than with them but it was the audacity of the comment and I was floored but should not have been, nothing has changed.  I live a long way away and I am glad of that.    I have worked with children over the years as it has been part of my job but was treated in a way a child abuser is treated, unworthy of contact with their own children.  Today is a new day and if I have no expectations then I cannot be disappointed.  I am moving forward, cant change the past, can't control the future but how I react to where I am I do have control over and I will forge ahead. Thank you to all the kind thoughts, it helps to know I am not alone.
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: Rose799 on April 08, 2011, 04:35:28 PM
Quote from: me1ody on April 08, 2011, 02:47:18 PM
Today is a new day and if I have no expectations then I cannot be disappointed.  I am moving forward, cant change the past, can't control the future but how I react to where I am I do have control over and I will forge ahead. Thank you to all the kind thoughts, it helps to know I am not alone.

Today is indeed a new day, Melody...  I'm surprised that having been a preacher, your df didn't also tell you that we all fail & come short of the glory of God.  When our dd came to us 5 years ago, afraid to let us know she was pg, we smiled, told her that we believed in her, and that regardless if she married or not, we would stand by her.  Dd was grateful at the time but has all but kicked me to the curb since.  Life is not easy...   As you stated, we all seem to share this one common link.  Thanks to Luise & all these wonderful wise women, yourself included, we no longer have to go it alone.  Bless you Melody, & thanks for being here~

Rose
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: me1ody on April 08, 2011, 04:52:28 PM
Thank you Rose, I appreciate your thoughts.
Title: Re: My three adult children hate me.
Post by: justalone on April 27, 2011, 01:52:02 PM
Hi I read your story..and was so amazed how our lives are so alike...I also had children at a young age quit school in the 8th grade. I went back to school and to college.I have 5 children 3 that do not talk to me. My youngest daughter spit in my face the last time i saw her and that was 6 years ago..but I also have two grown sons that do talk to me.