DILs -- do your parents say anything about your in laws? Have their been issues and how have you handled them between the 'rents?
Quote from: pam1 on May 18, 2011, 05:59:11 AM
DILs -- do your parents say anything about your in laws? Have their been issues and how have you handled them between the 'rents?
My parents do not like my FIL and his wife. They think his wife is way to overbearing of a person. But they are always nice to them when around.
SassyDI, do they ever avoid them or say they will not be around your in laws? Ever said anything to them?
Sorry but stuff is brewing on my end so I'm just looking to get some experience lol
Oh this is loaded....Lol. With my Ex-Mil, who was a pill to everyone, my Mother was always civil and gracious around her. To me, she would say things later like, "That is one unhappy woman. I feel sorry for her DH. No wonder you have such a hard time with her, etc." My Mother and I always had an honest relationship and talk about everything. My Mother is also a person that has always been able to treat her worst enemy with civility and niceness.
My current MIL is great and my Mother loves her too! They get together and will talk and talk. So when she says anything about my MIL now, it's always complimentary.
My mom doesn't like my MIL, but she doesn't mind my FIL (DM/BF, DH/I, and FIL/BILs are going camping memorial day weekend). She does not want to be "friends" with my MIL, but she is polite when they happen to be around each other--which was the wedding and the bridal shower. I felt (and DM too, but apparently not my Db/SIL) that MIL crossed the line at the bridal shower by signing all her gifts from Mom. Um, she's NOT my mom and my Mom was actually there. My DM found it offensive and so did I.
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on May 18, 2011, 06:11:09 AM
My mom doesn't like my MIL, but she doesn't mind my FIL (DM/BF, DH/I, and FIL/BILs are going camping memorial day weekend). She does not want to be "friends" with my MIL, but she is polite when they happen to be around each other--which was the wedding and the bridal shower. I felt (and DM too, but apparently not my Db/SIL) that MIL crossed the line at the bridal shower by signing all her gifts from Mom. Um, she's NOT my mom and my Mom was actually there. My DM found it offensive and so did I.
Was your DH at the shower. To me those presents even though the shower is traditionally for the woman aren't just for the bride. Whent its a gift for the couple my Mom always writes mom and dad(it would be werid for her to give a gift intended for me with their first name on it) on the card but if giving a gift just for DH she puts their first names.
My Mom always signs anything to either me or DH, or both...Love Mom and Dad. My DH hasn't ever taken offense and actually likes it.
SIL won't let MIL sign anything "Mom" to the outlaws lol. And none of us are allowed to call her Mom either per SILs orders. Ok, I just call her Grandma then :) My sense of manners bothers me to call her by her first name and it's painfully obvious the emotional distance if I call her Mrs. MIL so Grandma fits since that's what DD calls her.
I took offense BECAUSE it was my Bridal Shower as in, I wasn't married to her son yet (he wasn't there, it was a BRIDAL shower not a Wedding Shower) and my mother WAS there. I felt she was pushing the issue that I must call her mom, when I wasn't ready for it at that time nor am I now. It also confused the crap out of my note-taker.
Soooo, question being. Do you call (or your DH) your spouses mother "Mom" in front of your own Mother?
I call my MIL "Mother XXXX" because that is what everyone calls her and she likes it, and my DH refers to my Mom as "My other Mother XXXX" in front of his family and Mother.
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on May 18, 2011, 06:27:54 AM
I took offense BECAUSE it was my Bridal Shower as in, I wasn't married to her son yet (he wasn't there, it was a BRIDAL shower not a Wedding Shower) and my mother WAS there. I felt she was pushing the issue that I must call her mom, when I wasn't ready for it at that time nor am I now. It also confused the crap out of my note-taker.
Soooo, question being. Do you call (or your DH) your spouses mother "Mom" in front of your own Mother?
My MIL passed just months before I met dh. I call DH's father by his last name to his face and that says a lot because I am not a formal person at all. I don't call the people I am close to Mrs or Mr even as a child I didn't. To most people I call him Dh's dad. As for his wife yeah she gets her first name only because that is what DH calls her and calling her Mrs________ doesn't sit well with DH or I.
My DH also calls my parents by their first names because he is not comfortable calling anyone mom after losing his own mom. My parents are very respectful of it. FIL when he calls and I answer(the rare times I answer) says hi its dad. I just ignore it as I don't see him as a father figure at all.
Pam,
My mom and dad don't really like my ILs but they wouldn't ever do anything to "show" that, so to speak. They don't have anything in common and my ILs used to pressure them at every turn to spend holidays with their clan instead of my parents being able to do their traditions, too. It annoyed them, but they always politely declined- except one Christmas they actually showed up (only for me, because I asked them to) for awhile. They aren't friends, could never be friends, and don't really talk- even before the fallout between DH and me & the ILs. At this point though, my mom knows a lot of what my ILs have done to my DH and to me and she will make comments to me about them if they come up, but she would never ever seek them out or call them up to tell them what she thinks about them. She has asked before if she would be allowed to tell them what she really thought of their behavior SHOULD they call her up to talk to her about our situation (this was only a hypothetical because my GMIL did contact my Dad when DH first stopped contacting them, so it could happen- they like stirring up stuff) and my DH said YES, GO FOR IT! But that's a major "if" because I don't think they'd have the guts to call my mom. They think she is just like me, which basically means the devil, and that's why they sidestepped her last time and contacted my Dad.
ANYWAY, if things were different and we were still in touch with my ILs, and something came up where they all had to be together, I'm sure my parents would handle it gracefully. They were great at the wedding- very kind and civil, they were the ones who initiated conversation with my ILs (who kept to themselves the whole time), my mom was great at my bridal shower with them, and my family was great around them at a cocktail party my family hosted. So, they have no problem playing nice because they are just polite, kind people. But they have never really "liked" the ILs.
OW, thank you! That is exactly what is going on here. My parents have kept quiet for the most part but they have spoken up a lot recently since the events with my m/c.
My plan has always been just to keep them separated so that it's comfortable for everyone although my in laws think my parents should start doing their traditions...I'm not sure how that works out in their mind but whatever. Since they don't let anything drop, don't issue an invite and let it go...they keep on and on about it. Then someone must be "mean" for not accepting the invite etc.
Now though the stakes are raising higher and while I don't think my parents would normally ever say anything, my Dad is a wild card and if he hits his limit of acceptable behavior he is not shy to tell anyone.
I'm just wondering how has it gone after that has happened.
As a young DIL my Ps had their own issues and weren't very involved in my life. They had no interest in getting to know my ILs at all, other than pointing out once that they were "new money" conservatives with big, toothy grins. Don't ask me, I didn't say it. My mom had passed on before I remarried, and DF & SM have shown no interest in meeting my FIL/MIL/SMIL after a quarter century. Occasionally they'll ask DH how his dad is doing, but that's about it. They did meet DH's brother once & seemed to enjoy the visit.
Speaking for my DIL's FOO, the answer is: Who? Did SIL have a FOO before he met DD? They look like losers to us, even though they raised a great guy, paid most of his college expenses and all of his tuition. We'll shun them and that will take care of that. Oh wait, get the check for their share of the wedding first!
lol Pen...my parents have slipped in the "new money" sentiment too. My parents started out trying to be pleasant, they sent cards and a gift to his parents before our wedding with absolutely no response whatsoever. They are just radically different people, my parents drive normal cars, don't flash money etc so they have a harder time being around flashers. I knew that going in but for whatever reason my in laws haven't taken the social cue to back off from them.
There is also an element of competition, I don't know where the in laws get their ideas about things but my parents are fortunate to do what they want. The in laws keep making comments about how with so many kids it's obvious they can't afford something or have to cut back on financial help to us. When it's not true, they just don't use their money to control us. And have made it clear since we came out of the womb that their money is not our money lol.
It just occurred to me that maybe I should let nature just take it's course. I'm tired of trying to clean up for everyone and prevent explosions or upsets. None of this is really my problem.
No it's not your problem. I have whined about not having a big, extended family sometimes; what was I thinking???
Quote from: pam1 on May 18, 2011, 07:23:33 AM
OW, thank you! That is exactly what is going on here. My parents have kept quiet for the most part but they have spoken up a lot recently since the events with my m/c.
My plan has always been just to keep them separated so that it's comfortable for everyone although my in laws think my parents should start doing their traditions...I'm not sure how that works out in their mind but whatever. Since they don't let anything drop, don't issue an invite and let it go...they keep on and on about it. Then someone must be "mean" for not accepting the invite etc.
Now though the stakes are raising higher and while I don't think my parents would normally ever say anything, my Dad is a wild card and if he hits his limit of acceptable behavior he is not shy to tell anyone.
I'm just wondering how has it gone after that has happened.
Funny...my parents haven't hit that limit yet, but they have been accused of being snobby and "thinking they are better" than my ILs because they haven't assumed IL's holiday traditions, and instead have *gasp* kept doing their own as well.
It really isn't your problem, but I understand why it is a worry of yours. It would cause stress and tension on your marriage and your relationships with both sides of the family...but maybe that's what is needed for your ILs to back off your parents?
My parents have had issues with my ILs. My dad has been embarrassed by FIL's demands to put his order first when we sit down at a restaurant last (because he is hungry). My dad has also been embarrassed by the amount of cash tip he has seen him leave (dad generally pays, FIL says he has the tip...Dad excuses himself to the bathroom and then pads the tip more). My mom has had issues with MIL saying that my mom spends a lot of time with DD. She also modified her behavior...she doesn't invite me over anymore, really. I have to come fetch her...which is weird having to invite yourself over to someone's house.
My mom took issue with the fact that when my brother was deploying and she planned a trip to the Outer Banks, MIL booked the house right next door. So what did mom do? Cancelled the trip. She said they did not belong there when they've never met my brother. I have to agree.
So...a lot of behavior modification on my parents' part...but they haven't confronted the behavior directly either.
My parents were the crazy and inappropriate ones, and never met the ILs (my parents didn't come to the wedding and didn't speak to me for 3 years, because they disapproved of XH; the ILs lived 1000 miles away and were polite but distant - they had a rocky relationship with XH, but they were as kind to us as possible given the circumstances), so it never came up. My father disliked the concept of the ILs intensely, because he hated my then-husband (mainly for existing, but that's a rant for a different day). I made sure there were never any occasions to get the two families together, because my father tended to be extremely aggressive and openly hostile, even if he had agreed to show up, and I honestly couldn't handle how ugly it would have been. The ILs offered a couple of times to call my parents and talk to them to broker a reconciliation, but that would have been an absolute nightmare, so we always thanked them and changed the subject.
My Mom doesn't understand the IL's anymore that *I* do. But she does try and temper some of my harsher feelings toward them. But that's because my Mom really is a saint! She is seriously the nicest person I know.
I call the IL's by their first names and always have. I think it troubled them at first. I think DH and SIL's friends always called them Mr & Mrs and they didn't like the idea of "one of the kids" treating them like equals.
DH always called my parents by their first names, at their invitation.
OW, sometimes I really think we married brothers. My inlaws can't wrap their mind around why my parents wouldn't want to give up their traditions for theirs lol. This is the first holiday coming up that my parents get us all to themselves and they are beyond excited. While my in laws are ramping up. I can trust my Dad but only for so far and he just goes off. But, I think you're right, this is not my problem. This event is over a month away and I need to stop stressing about it.
Holly, that is just weird that your MIL did that. Totally inappropriate.
Elsieshaye, how difficult that must have been for you! You sound very classy about it all though.
Scoop, my parents aren't so nice. They wouldn't talk me down, the say stuff like "you're a better dil than I ever could be." They are wonderful parents but do not suffer fools. Yikes, I just don't want to be embarrassed.
I have an unusually hostile relationship with my in laws and because much of my in laws accusations against me (i.e. that I was a tramp, a thief, etc.) were also against my parents (they were thieves as well), they too have no contact with my inlaws. My situation is probably not a fair comparison though cause inlaws as awful as mine are pretty uncommon.
FF, we can only hope. Sorry you & your parents have been treated heinously by your ILs. That is simply uncalled for. Sounds like my first set of ILs.
Quote from: pam1 on May 18, 2011, 10:09:04 AM
OW, sometimes I really think we married brothers. My inlaws can't wrap their mind around why my parents wouldn't want to give up their traditions for theirs lol. This is the first holiday coming up that my parents get us all to themselves and they are beyond excited. While my in laws are ramping up. I can trust my Dad but only for so far and he just goes off. But, I think you're right, this is not my problem. This event is over a month away and I need to stop stressing about it.
Holly, that is just weird that your MIL did that. Totally inappropriate.
Elsieshaye, how difficult that must have been for you! You sound very classy about it all though.
Scoop, my parents aren't so nice. They wouldn't talk me down, the say stuff like "you're a better dil than I ever could be." They are wonderful parents but do not suffer fools. Yikes, I just don't want to be embarrassed.
My FIL is like this too. If it goes against something he believes he tell dh "Thats not how I raised you."(DH and I were raised very differently and he looks down a lot I think on the way I was raised) or my fav "Thats not how our family__________" DH reminds him all the time that we are going to take a little of DH's Traditions a little of my Traditions and make our own traditions. All he can see past though is what he wants.