March 28, 2024, 11:09:24 AM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - Stilllearning

466
Thanks for the tips Pen!  I may need a refresher course now and then.  LOL
467
Pen I completely understand!  For the last three years I have tried to ignore Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I used to have all sorts of relatives over but since my DS got married and started to ignore us entirely for all occasions my mood has been so bad that I don't feel like participating anymore.  If you find your way out of this flying funk please pass your tips along.  I could use some help too!  For now I just try to plan something else for special days (hiking, fishing, boating for me but maybe something different for you) that keeps my mind off of the fact that it is a 'special family day' and gives me something else to enjoy.  Good luck to you!
468
Grab Bag / Re: My Ex-husband's wife has died
July 03, 2013, 07:42:41 AM
Wow!  What a quick recovery for you Lilly!!  I think just venting those feeling here, with such a wonderfully understanding audience, helped.  I totally understand your hurt and anger and I think they are completely justified.  Your ex was just not thinking when he approved the obit, but then who is thinking when they are planning a funeral?  I am amazed that you got your feet under you so quickly.  You should take a bow!    :)
469
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: First Grand
June 19, 2013, 05:04:51 PM
Thanks Keys Girl!! ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)
470
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: First Grand
June 19, 2013, 04:11:27 PM
Thanks Keys Girl!!  I am still trying to 'take the high road' and not sink.....
471
Oh Clara, how that must hurt!  Since your son has PTSD I am assuming that he is seeing a therapist.  Often seeing a therapist drags up memories from childhood.  Times that you have completely forgotten when you may have made some remark or chastised him when it was not his fault.  He is still looking at the memory through a child's eyes.  All of that anger is focused on you.  Soon (hopefully very soon) he will understand that you were fallible and did not mean whatever happened the way he remembers it.  I watched my sister go through it (not pstd but still) and she hated my parents for a few years.  I never understood the hatred or remembered the incidents she described but they were so vivid for her and she hurt.  Eventually she understood because she had children of her own.  I am hoping that the same light goes off in your son's head!  Funny, I can remember thinking that my parents knew it all and should not have made any mistakes, heck I can even remember thinking that I could raise a child without making any!  So how did I end up on this forum???   You got it!  I was just doing the best I could, just like they did!! 
472
How hurt you must be!!  I can totally understand how difficult that would be to come to terms with.  I cannot help but wonder if he knew, even before the wedding, that the whole thing was doomed?  Maybe he did not want to tell you because he knew it was a farce?  You probably would have objected (evidently rightly so).  He was half a world away so he could keep it secret.  It could be that the secret actually caused the problems.  Keeping a secret like that from my parents would have driven me to drink!  Maybe now that the cat is out of the bag and the marriage is over he can pick up the pieces of his life and move on? 

473
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: First Grand
June 19, 2013, 03:40:52 PM
I went and hated it when the bridal shower was given by my wonderful SIL (brother's wife).  I gave a nice gift.  I kept quiet.  I smiled.  I oohed and aahed.  Got me nowhere.  For this shower I was only invited for the gift.  So now I sent the gift, avoided the tension, kept the lines open and did not torture myself for an afternoon.  It would be different if they showed an iota of interest in my life.  My DH is currently laid off and they know it.  All I have ever gotten from her or her family is requests for money or gifts.  I will not buy love, not even for a GC.  Maybe some day they will rethink the seeds they are sowing.....
474
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: First Grand
June 19, 2013, 02:06:18 PM
I decided that you were right!  I looked for a baby registry (isn't the internet wonderful!) and found one on Amazon!!  Lucky me!!  I ordered one of the things they requested, got it gift wrapped and sent it to them (even though I do not know where they live, Amazon does and so do some of my relatives and I won't ask them.  If DS wants me to know where he lives he will tell me...).  Done and over!  Thank you so much for your wonderful advice! 
475
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: First Grand
June 19, 2013, 10:44:52 AM
Lilly, could it be that easy??
476
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / First Grand
June 19, 2013, 10:05:33 AM
My first grandchild is due in August.  My DIL and most of her FOO have been less than welcoming and my DS has broken most contact with us.  They have been married for a little more than 2 years and are both quite young for today's averages on marriage and childbirth.  Both are 23.  My DIL is about to graduate college (yeah!) but my son is nowhere close since he has had to work full time to put her through school.  My son did call me for Mother's day and he managed to send an e-mail to DH before midnight on Father's day (11:40pm) so there is some movement toward contact this year, maybe because they are pregnant?  They had not called or sent a text or emailed for any occasion since they got married before this year.  Sooo......

I got an invitation to a baby shower for her and franky I do not want to go.  If it is anything like her bridal shower she will be practically sitting in her Mother's lap and all of her family will pick apart anything I say.  Fortunately they have all unfriended me on Facebook so I will not know what they are saying about me.  Unfortunately they have not unfriended my family members so, well, you get the picture.

I need a way to bow out gracefully, without ruffling feathers......any suggestions?
477
Grab Bag / Re: Having A Bad Day
June 18, 2013, 07:11:16 AM
Congratulations on taking control of your health!!  Too often we go in and talk to a Dr. for five minutes and expect him to cure us.  I have found a way of figuring out if your Dr. is good or not.  Ask questions!!  A lousy Dr. will almost always tell you to trust him/her and treat you like you have no brain.  Sometimes a good Dr. will do that too.  If your Dr. sits down and explains what he is doing and why the chances are extremely good that he/she is competent. 

Reminds me of something I heard once.  By a process of elimination there has to be a 'worst doctor' somewhere.  And someone has an appointment with him/her tomorrow.......
478


QuoteYou have to understand how hurtful this is to the mother of the father of the child.  She feels she is as much a grandmother to that baby as the mother of the DIL..  She is feeling left out of something she has dreamed about..


LC I am about to be a GM for the first time in August.  I will be the paternal GP.  I will be surprised if I learn of the birth before it is posted on facebook.  I do understand Mary Lee's pain.  It does not change my previous post.  What we focus on expands and if ML focuses on the things that are bothering her it will only make things worse.  The only time my DIL contacts me is when she want a present......like the baby shower invite I got yesterday.  Ooops!!  Wrong way to look at that too!  My bad!  LOL
479
How wonderful that your son and DIL want you to visit when their child is born!  There are usually so many people around right after the birth that it can be difficult to see the baby, especially if you are staying in a hotel so I understand your disappointment at not being invited to stay at their home.  When my first child was born I invited my MIL out for the event.  He was her first GC and long awaited (12 years!).  My MIL said that she would wait until the hubbub died down to visit.  I did not really understand but in retrospect she was very smart! Daughters need their mothers right after they give birth, especially their first time.   There are so many questions about their own body changes and so many things that would be difficult to discuss with even a very caring, very close MIL.  My MIL visited a couple of weeks later and I got a wonderful extension to the help I got instead of everyone showing up (and leaving) at the same time.  Maybe it would do for you to plan your trip for later? 

Try not to hold the fact that she does not want you to stay in her home against her.  We all know how those hormones can do some strange things when we are pregnant and I have a feeling she is just feeling overwhelmed.
480
Oh my goodness Lilly!   I am so there!!  And now my DIL is having a baby and everyone wants me to be all happy.  My siblings all have GC and that is all they talk about anymore.  I have always enjoyed our family reunion until my son got married.  I am working on it so I will be closely watching your topic for help.

Thanks Louise, I signed up for the webinar.  Fingers crossed.  Thanks for your words of wisdom and calm.  This too shall pass (hopefully before I do!  LOL)